Story Discussion Boxlicker101 Main Queue 5-20-05

Boxlicker101

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Cindy Lou and Her Roommate

They get to know each other EXTREMELY well

For background on this story, see “Cindy Lou Moves to New York”.

Cindy Lou looked out the window at the landscape whipping past as the bus barreled down the highway. Only about one hour was left of the 28 hour ride from Birmingham and she was looking forward, although with some trepidation, to starting her new life in New York. The ride was boring but it had become tolerable, after enjoying two good orgasms the previous night from the young man eating her pussy and another when they fucked on the back seat of the bus. She smiled and her pussy tingled from the memories of his tongue caressing her lips and his mouth enveloping her clit, capped off by his big cock being driven deeply into her.

Sucking off the bus driver who caught them had been the perfect nightcap. More delightful memories flowed across her mind, of his cock sliding in and out of her mouth and of his pungent aroma and delicious semen. That had been Cindy Lou’s first sexual experience with a black man and she intended to have a lot more in New York, as well as many more with other men.

Nothing of that sort could have happened now because the bus was almost full, with most of the passengers having gotten on at the last stop. Instead of having the back seat to herself as had been the case the previous night, she was sharing it with another woman and two men.

Finally, the bus pulled into the terminal. This was the last stop so everybody in front of her crowded toward the door. She looked around nervously and clutched her overnight bag against her chest. Cindy Lou had been warned about pickpockets and muggers and other kinds of thieves and lowlifes so she kept a wary eye on her surroundings, especially on men who might be eyeing her. She was one of the last persons off the bus and onto the grimy pavement, where she was assailed by the noise and the stench of the city.

Although her stomach almost revolted from the odors of urine and dog feces and unidentifiable refuse, Cindy Lou had more important concerns as she trudged with the crowd into the lobby. Anxiously, she looked around for the relatives who were supposed to be meeting her, fully aware of the many mishaps that might have prevented them from being there. Relief washed over her as she spotted them, a middle-aged man and woman, huddled together against the wall and holding up a sign with her name on it. Uncle Fred and Aunt Wilma were their names but otherwise she knew very little about them. Close in front of the couple was an attractive, slender woman with long, black hair. She looked to be about Cindy Lou’s age, which was 28.

Although they had never met until that day, once the family tie was established, there was an abundance of hugging and kissing with all three of the persons waiting in the lobby. Amanda was the young woman’s name and she was the daughter of the other two. Although they would be addressed as “Aunt” and “Uncle”, the actual relationship was a bit vague. It was distant and tenuous but they all thought of themselves as being family.

None of the four had ever been in this miserable place before and all hoped they would never have to return. Although everybody wanted to leave as quickly as possible, Cindy Lou had to first claim her baggage so they could haul it out to the family station wagon. While the other three were stowing the two suitcases, Aunt Wilma took the seat next to where her husband would sit, leaving the young women to share the back seat and get acquainted.

During the long drive home, Cindy Lou tried to be charming and outgoing, talking of her love of country and western music, which her cousin didn’t share. She described her life in Alabama and the bus trip, omitting details she thought might scandalize the others, and asked about life in New York. Amanda answered her questions mostly in monosyllables and was disinclined toward conversation. She seemed reserved, almost aloof, spending much of her time staring out the window.

In the overheated car, her bulky jacket soon became unbearable so Cindy Lou removed it. While pulling off the sleeves behind her back, she leaned forward, thrusting out her chest, causing her large breasts to move under her clinging flannel shirt. For the sake of comfort on the long bus ride, she hadn't worn a bra. Her aunt and uncle were looking through the windshield at the street ahead and the only person who saw her was her cousin, another woman, so she was not embarrassed at the way her figure had been somewhat on display. With the heavy coat off, she continued her friendly overtures and was finally successful. Amanda seemed to warm up considerably, smiling and being attentive to the pretty blonde sharing the seat, even moving closer and affectionately patting her knee several times.

“Does anyone know anything about apartments that might be available?” Cindy Lou asked. “I picked up a rental listing at the last rest stop but they’re all so expensive, even the dumpy ones.”

“Hey, Mandy,” Uncle Fred responded. “Aren’t you looking for a roommate after what’s-her-name got married? What about Cindy here?”

Both women were surprised at his suggestion and more than a little doubtful. Cindy Lou had enjoyed her wild lifestyle in Alabama and wanted to resume it as soon as she had a place to live. Sharing an apartment with the daughter of her employer might very well put a damper on that. Besides that drawback, she considered Amanda to be more than a little stuck up. She conceded to herself that a roommate might be necessary but wanted to find somebody she liked, or at least didn’t dislike as much as she already disliked her snooty cousin. However, she was unwilling to express that attitude toward somebody she barely knew.

Amanda thought of herself as a sophisticated and sexually liberated woman, which she was. She had a circle of swinging friends and was reluctant to be tied down by someone she thought of as a yokel from the Bible belt, even though she was quite attractive. There was also a vague dislike of Cindy Lou for being the cause of having to go to the noisy, smelly bus terminal. She did need a roommate but felt that she could find somebody more compatible. Almost anybody would be better than a fan of shit-kicking music.

However, neither woman wanted to express her reservations to the older couple, since they might have been asked to give reasons. They couldn’t express dislike; the old man would think it preposterous since they were family and barely knew each other. They were also both anxious to avoid saying anything at all about the rich and varied sex lives they wanted to continue enjoying, although neither knew anything about what the other had been doing.

“That might work,” Amanda replied.

“If you’re sure it’s not too much trouble.” Cindy Lou was hoping her cousin would say it was.

“No trouble at all. I do need a roommate and I’d rather it was family than some stranger. You can’t trust everybody. The apartment rent is controlled and I’ve been there since it was built so it’s cheaper than you might expect, even though it’s quite a nice place.”

“Fine, then,” Uncle Fred said to both young women. “It’s settled. It’s too late in the day to go there now so suppose both you girls stay at the house tonight and we’ll get Cindy moved in tomorrow?”

“I’ll need to call Mom and Dad and tell them I’ve arrived safely and what my new address and phone number will be. I’ll ask them to send my trunk to the apartment. Can I use your telephone to do that?” Nobody objected and her parents were glad she had arrived safely and that things seemed to be working out. They told her they would go to Birmingham and ship her trunk the next day.

Early the next morning, Uncle Fred drove to a modern high-rise building where his daughter had an apartment on the third floor. Cindy Lou was assigned the smaller of the two bedrooms. After Uncle Fred left for his office furniture business and Amanda went to her job, she looked around the small room with green pastel walls and got busy moving in. That day was Thursday and her job would be starting on the following Monday, giving her a few days to get settled and take care of personal business. The first task was transferring her clothing and other things to the closet and drawers available.

Two of the things to be put away were the dildos Cindy Lou had brought. Holding the one named “Big Pete”, she considered giving herself a quickie. As she rubbed her fingers on the pleasure bumps along the shaft of the toy and touched the front of her jeans with the head, she thought about how pleasant he would feel going in and out of her pussy. Although the dildo would never replace a real cock or tongue, it was good enough for occasional relief.

“Not just now,” she decided, and buried it and its slightly smaller partner, “Pete Junior”, in a drawer under her panties. “Maybe tomorrow, depending on what I feel like.” She expected to need Big Pete in her pussy and Pete Junior in her ass sometime in the next few days. The orgasms Cindy Lou had enjoyed two nights earlier on the bus were still fresh but she knew she would be horny again before the weekend was over.

With unpacking finished, she went to the cheerful kitchen to make herself lunch and to familiarize herself with the locations of things she would be using. The small but well-designed room was all Formica and stainless steel with enameled yellow walls and a tile floor. As she looked through the cabinets and other storage places, she found one drawer filled with paperwork and the receipt on top was from a video store just down the block. To her surprise, she learned that Amanda had recently rented and returned two videotapes named “Suburban Swingers” and “Lesbian Lust.”

She had seen the first at a sex party a few months earlier and her pussy throbbed pleasantly as she recalled one scene in particular. The central female character had one big cock fucking her ass and an even bigger one doing the same for her pussy while she was sucking off a third man. It had been such an inspiring scene that Cindy Lou had re-enacted the same combination twice that night, with two different groups of men, cumming twice each time. Her pussy almost started to lubricate, remembering that party, which had been one of the biggest and best and wildest she had ever attended.

“Could it be,” she asked herself, turning the idea over in her mind, “that Mandy is not the stick-in-the-mud she seemed like at first? Did she have some people here watching these movies with her, maybe even acting them out the way I did? I hope so. If she has some swinging friends, I would love to meet them and get in on the action. Maybe I can find out tonight. This morning she seemed much friendlier than she did at first.”

The nature of the other videotape was obvious from its name and that got her thinking along another line. At sex parties, sometimes two or three women would be pleasuring each other orally and Cindy Lou would look at them and wonder what it would be like, but she was always having too much fun with their husbands to want to find out. Looking at the receipt, she thought aloud about the possibilities again.

“Those women always had a good time with each other but they had just as much fun with men, maybe even more. I wonder if Mandy is kind of bisexual like that too, which would explain why she rented both a lesbian movie and the other one. If she is, maybe I can find out what I’ve always been curious about. She’s quite pretty and I think it would be fun having her eat my pussy, if she wants to.”

As the new roommates had decided that morning, Cindy Lou prepared a dinner of fried chicken and salad and included a bottle of wine. They had settled the financial details the night before so, after dinner, they took the rest of the wine into the living room to watch television and talk about whatever subject might come up. Amanda described how she had graduated from New York University and her position as a copy writer in an advertising agency. Cindy Lou had never gone to college but she talked about her life in Alabama and speculated about what her new job would be like, working for her uncle. With the wine making conversation easier, they started exchanging confidences and chatted, as young women often do, about boys and men who had been in their lives.

Cindy Lou had been a virgin when she married at 18, and wasn’t ready yet to talk about her subsequent swinging life so she didn’t contribute much to the discussion. Amanda had no such problem. She made it clear that her virginity had been gladly given up long ago and that she had enjoyed the attentions of many lovers since then. Not only that, she revealed that she was currently seeing several men and having some great times with all of them. That was the kind of thing Cindy Lou was very happy to learn and she felt herself drastically revising her opinion of her new roommate, very much for the better. There certainly didn’t seem to be anything snooty about her any more, and it looked like there could be the potential for a very warm friendship.

“You certainly have had a lot of experiences, Mandy. Makes me sorry I got married so young. I missed out on a lot of fun.”

“You didn’t ‘miss out on it.’ You just delayed it a few years. The fun is still there to be had, especially for a girl as pretty as you.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I know so. There are plenty of guys who would love to get next to you. Or get into your pants.” Amanda giggled at that expression.

“Get into my pants?”

“Oh, not literally. I mean they would love to have sex with you. Speaking of you having sex, what was your favorite way to get it on with your husband?”

“Oh, I liked everything we used to do.”

“Did he ever kiss you down here?” Amanda patted her skirt over her own pussy as she asked, and left her hand where she had patted.

“Yeah, he sure did, and I really loved it. That was how I had my first orgasm on our wedding night.”

“How many tines did you cum that night?”

“Four times.”

“Cool!”

“You know, I’m not ashamed to tell you this. I used to play with myself and even cum from it sometimes before I got married. That was nothing, though, compared to how it was with Bobby’s tongue and his cock.” Cindy Lou had always enjoyed sex with her ex-husband and didn’t mind talking about it, but she really wanted to get the conversation back to the men who would want to get into her pants. Those were the people who interested her, not an ex-husband who was a thousand miles away.

“So, you really liked it when Bobby ate your pussy?”

“I’ll say. When we used to make love, I would always cum first from that and then from fucking.”

“Did you ever have another woman eat your pussy?”

“No. I’ve sometimes wondered what it would be like, though.”

“Do you think it would be any different than it was with your husband?”

“I don’t know. I think it would probably feel about the same but I might not feel the same about it.”

“Of course. Sex is always better with somebody really close to you. But if you didn’t happen to have anybody just then, do you think you would like to have your pussy eaten by another woman?”

From the direction the conversation had taken and from knowing about the lesbian movie that had been rented, Cindy Lou had become fairly sure that Amanda did like to swing both ways, and that the hypothetical woman being discussed was herself. She hoped so because it might mean that her curiosity would be satisfied that evening. It would almost certainly be better than putting Big Pete and his assistant to work.

As their conversation had gotten more personal, both women had moved toward the center of the small blue sofa and by that time their knees were almost touching. Cindy Lou leaned toward Mandy, rested her hand on the other’s leg just below the hem of her short skirt and smiled as she answered, “Yes. Yes, I think I would like that. I think I would like that very much.”

Amanda was smiling back. Her brown eyes looked directly into the clear blue eyes of her cousin and she asked “Do you want to find out for sure?”

“With you?” As she spoke, Cindy Lou leaned in closer and lightly squeezed Amanda’s leg. It was obvious what she hoped the answer would be.

“Yes. I like boys and girls both. Last night in the back seat of the station wagon I could hardly keep from jumping your body. You are one of the hottest women I’ve ever met, and I would really love to bury my face in your pussy.”

Cindy Lou’s smile grew wider and more lascivious. “Just a minute,” she said, as she responded the same way as she had to the man on the bus who had offered to eat her pussy. She stood up, unfastened her jeans and pushed them down to her knees. After sitting back down and pulling them the rest of the way off, she stood up again, pulled her panties all the way down and stepped out of them. Still smiling, she turned to stand on the carpet before her roommate, naked below the waist, her legs spread and her pubic area thrust forward.

“Is this the pussy you want to bury your face in?”

After kissing both creamy thighs and enjoying her roommate’s musky aroma, Amanda stood up also. “A sofa or the floor are okay when you don’t have any other place but my bed is a lot better.”

As they walked to the bedroom, Mandy was really looking forward to eating the pussy of such a sensuous and sexy woman. She felt good about introducing her roommate to the joys of woman-on-woman sex and she knew Cindy Lou was also anticipating her first experience. She could smell the delectable aroma of juices that were trickling down her roommate’s bare legs, and Amanda expected them to taste as good as they smelled.

“Just lie down there,” she directed, pointing to the unmade bed. “Let me get the comforter out of the way.”

“Wait till I take off my shirt and bra. I think it’s always a lot more fun to be naked.” As she spoke, Cindy Lou was removing the last of her clothing.

“Me too.” Amanda had turned on the light when they entered the room and neither woman saw any reason to turn it off.

By the time they were equally naked, Cindy Lou was lying comfortably, her head on a pillow and her legs spread, looking forward to finding out what it felt like to have another woman pleasuring her. She didn’t believe there would be much difference between that and a man but she was also thinking about what would happen next.

“I wonder if she’ll want me to eat her pussy too. I wonder if I’ll want to,” she asked herself.

When Amanda lay down next to her, they shared an embrace and a kiss. With the second kiss, Cindy Lou felt a tongue pressing against her lips and touched it with her own. With the third kiss, their tongues became entwined. She was surprised at how much she was enjoying sensuously kissing another woman and she was very pleasantly surprised at the erotic effect it was having on her body.

“Mmmmm,” she murmured. “That’s really good.”

Amanda was also pleased at the responses she was already getting and continued kissing her cousin, on her eyes, her ears, and all over her face and down her throat. She was familiar with a woman’s erogenous places and her lips and tongue caressed all of them. She heard and felt Cindy Lou breathing hard and saw how her face was flushed by the time the kisses reached her breasts.

From what she had observed the previous night, Amanda was aware of her roommate’s voluptuousness, but now she was very pleased at how firm and shapely her breasts were, and how they were topped by such pretty pink nipples. “Cindy Lou, you have a really beautiful body,” she said while holding one of the lovely globes in either hand.

When she licked first one then the other nipple, she was elated at how they were already erect and how good they felt on her tongue. From their rigid state and from the pussy juices she had smelled earlier, and could smell much more strongly now, she knew the other woman was already aroused.

Because Cindy Lou’s breasts were so delightful, Amanda spent a lot of time licking and sucking them, even burrowing her face into the channel between the beautiful twins and stroking there with her tongue, reveling in the way they felt to her cheeks and her mouth. While all parts of her face were active, her hands were too, on her cousin’s body. The hips and belly and other places she was caressing felt good to Amanda’s hands, but not as good as the succulent breasts felt to her lips and tongue.

“Oooh, Mandy, that feels wonderful. You do that better than anyone.” Everything did feel wonderful to Cindy Lou and her upper body was squirming on the bed under the ministrations of the first woman ever to touch her so intimately. After saying that, Cindy Lou realized that she may have given away more about herself than she meant to. However, she had already decided to tell Mandy about the swinging life she had been leading with her husband, so it didn’t matter anyhow.

Nothing mattered very much just then except for what was being done to her body. Many men had sucked and licked her breasts but usually just briefly while they were on their way to her pussy, and they had always ignored so many of her other erogenous places, the ones that were being caressed so expertly. The hands, the lips, the tongue, and even the soft cheeks of another woman were doing something better than it had ever been done before, and her pussy was starting to hump into the air as if there were somebody between her legs.

Amanda expected to be there soon. “This is one terrific pair,” she told herself while her mouth and Cindy Lou’s breasts were sharing sensuous delights. “But her pussy is about as ready to be eaten as any I’ve ever seen or smelled. Time to go lower.” She removed her mouth from the breasts that had been so fascinating, but her lips and tongue continued to give and receive pleasure as she licked and kissed her way down the sexily plump body toward the blonde pubic hair.

Cindy Lou felt the soft lips and tongue meandering down her belly. She knew where they were going and it was something she wanted just about as much as she had ever wanted anything. The magically pleasuring mouth continued its tour down her body, even licking her hair and didn’t hesitate until it had covered her mons, stopping just above her wet, squirming pussy. Even then, the owner of the mouth didn’t pause very long, just taking enough time to get off the bed and climb right back on.

Her eyes had been closed while luxuriating in the tremendous pleasure she was receiving but Cindy Lou opened them when she felt Amanda climbing back onto the bed. Looking down her body, she saw the other woman approaching. She raised and spread her legs, draping them across the shoulders that ducked down to receive them. A pillow was slipped under her hips; arms went around her legs and fingers rested above Cindy Lou’s pussy.

The next thing she felt was a tongue stroking the insides of her thighs, licking up the juices that had trickled there. Although she had been licked there before, the feel of the first female tongue was so much better. Amanda was gentle and thorough. Even after she had licked up the nectar, her tongue continued its caressing of Cindy Lou’s sensitive skin, sending shivers of excitement swirling through her body.

“That feels so wonderful.”

“It gets better,” Amanda replied. Immediately after speaking, she resumed pleasuring herself and her roommate.

It got much better for both of them. The tongue that had felt so good on Cindy Lou’s thighs felt even better as it sluiced away the juices that were flowing between her legs and licked all around her pussy. Her pubic hair was soft, almost feathery, and prefious sex partners had often expressed their appreciation of the way it felt so Cindy Lou had never done any more than trim the edges. Mandy seemed to like it just as much; her mouth spent more time there than any one else’s ever had, as she licked all around her ultimate goal.

It got even better. The next place the pleasuring tongue explored was between a pair of pussy lips. Pleasure throbbed through Cindy Lou’s body from Amanda probing this very sensitive place with the tip of her tongue. Besides what was happening to her labia, there were two soft hands gently massaging around her clit, their every movement sending waves of pure delight coursing through her body. Cindy Lou moaned from the pleasure she was getting and the movements of her pussy escalated from squirming to fucking into the face of the woman who was giving it to her.

She felt Amanda’s tongue, darting like a hummingbird but moving slowly as it traveled upward. Back and forth it moved, licking her entire outer lip and probing between there and the swollen inner one. When the inner lip ended, the tongue continued, caressing all the way to Cindy Lou’s mons and the hair that covered it.

Amanda raised her face and surveyed the beauty of her roommate’s pussy. “This is fantastic,” she told herself, admiring the soft yellow hair surrounding the red, swollen lips and the clit that was crowding its way out from under its protective hood. With her fingers, she pulled the labia apart to gaze at the wet, pink hole that was surrounded by the inner lips, also enjoying the aroma of the juices that were bubbling out.

“She’s got one of the prettiest pussies I’ve ever seen, and one of the best-tasting,” Amanda told herself. “I wonder if I can talk her into coming to the sex party with me on Saturday. She seemed interested in meeting men.” Deciding that worthy goal would remain to be seen, her tongue resumed caressing the pussy that she was finding so delightful, starting with the other pair of lips.

Cindy Lou had been truly delighted by the marvelous tongue working its way along her pussy. She was lying back, her eyes closed and her body writhing while her head luxuriously rolled from side to side on the pillow. When the tongue stopped, she waited for it to resume giving her pleasure. After a few seconds, she opened her eyes and saw Amanda’s face, shiny-wet with juices, gazing almost rapturously at the pussy she was eating. After another few seconds the face was lowered again and Cindy Lou felt and heard the tongue lapping up all the fresh juices.

Once again she felt her roommate’s clever tongue moving quickly but traveling slowly, this time on the other pair of pussy lips. Cindy Lou’s sounds of delight continued from the exquisite pleasure that was mounting with every subtle movement of Amanda’s tongue. This time, when that incredible giver of joy reached the clit hood, she did not continue upward, but stroked across the protective covering.

“Oh! Oh, my God, that feels good. Keep licking me there,” Cindy Lou interrupted her moaning to implore her roommate. When she looked down her body this time, she saw black hair fanned out over her legs, a forehead covered with bangs and the bridge of a nose, bobbing up and down, riding her pussy as it fucked wildly into Mandy’s face.

“Yes! Yes! Lick my clit!” she cried out as she felt the tongue curl around her clit hood and gently caress her swollen love button. The contact had been very brief but it had brought the blonde closer to ecstasy.

Her roommate’s tongue had felt like a living sponge, as it licked Cindy Lou’s pussy lips but suddenly it felt like the tip of an erect cock as it investigated her vagina. Probing first at the lower and side edges before thrusting itself inside the wet, pink hole, the tongue felt more and more like a cock, but a flexible cock with a tip that could stroke the top of the hole it was pleasuring. Flicking back and forth, it stimulated the base of her clit, bringing her to the verge of cumming. Cindy Lou’s whole body was thrashing on the bed while her legs thrust back and forth over Mandy’s shoulders.

“Yes! Yes, like that. Make me cum.”

Amanda knew that her roommate was ready. With her fingers, she peeled the hood away from the treasure it had been protecting. Her mouth enveloped the swollen clit while her tongue caressed the sides and top. Her hands reached up until each one encompassed a breast and a rigid nipple was lightly held between the fingers. While her tongue pleasured the clit that filled her mouth, Amanda’s fingers gently squeezed a pair of highly sensitive nipples.

Cindy Lou felt immense pleasure pouring through her body from three places, coursing to the tips of her extremities and rushing back to its sources. After less than a minute, “Yes! Oh, god, yes, I’m cumming,” she cried out. Her arms, which had been thrashing about aimlessly, flailed against the bed and her legs squeezed her roommate’s head. From side to side and back and forth she rocked while long, black hair swirled around both women. Amanda kept her mouth wrapped around Cindy Lou’s clit while her tongue stroked everywhere it could and her fingers fondled the nipples they held. Both women enjoyed every second of the blonde’s cumming and Cindy Lou knew it was one of the best of the many she had experienced.

Her orgasm was also one of the best; her arms pressed against the mattress while her back arched, jamming her pussy into Mandy’s face. After a few intense seconds, she completely relaxed, her body sagging against the bed and her legs releasing the head they had imprisoned.

Amanda stayed where she was until she was certain Cindy Lou had climaxed, and then she licked off all the delicious fresh juices that had sprayed over thighs, belly and pussy. When all the nectar had been devoured, she crawled out from under the legs that had been draped over her shoulders. Looking up, she beheld her roommate’s face, almost bisected by a smile that, she knew, matched her own.

“Mandy, that was wonderful! Nobody has ever eaten my pussy as good as you just did.”

While wiping the leftover juices off her face, Amanda thought about that. “Nobody? How many people have eaten your pussy anyhow?” While waiting for an answer, she moved up on the bed to lie beside her sensuous roommate.

“Quite a few. I didn’t tell you everything about myself because I didn’t know how you would react. I really was a virgin on my wedding night but a month after that, Bobby and I were out swinging all over Alabama.” Cindy Lou then went on to describe her life with her husband for the last ten years, and how their sexual adventures had only ended because of the divorce. She couldn’t include every detail because there had been so much partying. She did think it a good idea, however, to describe her long-time bi-curiosity. She grinned as she finished her recitation by telling about her three orgasms on the back seat of the bus and how she had sucked off the bus driver two nights earlier.

“Wow, Cindy Lou, you are really something. I wasn’t completely honest with you either. I said I get it on with a lot of boyfriends. Actually, I don’t really have any boyfriends. I have a lot of friends, men and women, and we get together for sex parties almost every weekend.” Amanda then went on to describe her own life, which paralleled that of her cousin in many ways, except that most of the persons at her parties were single.

“We have a big party this Saturday night and I hope you can come with me. And maybe cum with me too,” she added with a wink. “You’ll have a great time and I know everybody will enjoy having you there.”

“That sounds great to me. I was hoping to find some people just like what you’ve been talking about.” Both women were silent then, thinking about how they had apparently lucked into what would be a very enjoyable relationship for both of them.

Cindy Lou broke the silence. “You know, I told you about seeing women at these sex parties, and wondering what it would be like. It was wonderful what you did to me just now but I want to find out about the other side too.”

“You mean you want to reciprocate and eat my pussy? You don’t have to, you know. I’m really turned on and wet but I can use my dildo to get off. I call him “Steady Eddie” because he’s always ready to fuck and never cums too soon.”

“I know I don’t have to but I really want to. I want to experience everything.”

“Okay.” Amanda turned over her pillow and lay down where Cindy Lou had been. “You know what you like, and you can figure the same thing will be fun for me. Just do what you know feels good to you.”

The two women embraced and kissed as they had earlier but this time their roles were reversed. Cindy Lou was the initiator and the one who slowly trailed kisses down Mandy’s face and throat until she reached her breasts and took one in either hand. Until then, she had often played with her own nipples while masturbating, but Cindy Lou had never touched the breasts of another woman. She was surprised at how natural they felt in her hands, and how good, heavy and firm but with soft skin, and seeming to vibrate with life. Leaning forward, she took a tentative lick on one of the nipples.

There was nothing at all tentative about the second stroke of her tongue, or the third or any of those that followed. The pebbly surface of Mandy’s areolas and the tiny ridges of her erect nipples felt almost as good as her own breasts had felt when they were being licked. Eagerly, her tongue caressed the beautiful twins, switching between them as Amanda had done.

“That feels good but, you know they’re not ice cream cones. You don’t have to lick so fast; they won’t melt.”

Cindy Lou slowed down and let her tongue play with the breasts in her hands rather than rapidly licking them. The slower strokes felt better and Amanda also liked them more.

“That’s better. I can feel the connection between my nipples and my clit.”

After slowly licking for a few more minutes and hearing her roommate’s breathing becoming faster and more erratic, Cindy Lou drew one lovely breast into her mouth as far as she could and started sucking on it. When she felt her tongue pressed against the soft flesh, she backed off slightly and started caressing the nipple while she sucked.

“Mmmmm, that feels really good. I think you’re a natural.”

“I like it too,” Cindy Lou responded. After that, she didn’t talk, her mouth being better used in sucking and licking her roommate’s delightful breasts. Amanda didn’t say anything either but her soft cooing from the pleasure she was getting, and the squirming of her upper body said much more than any words could.

Although she was really enjoying what her mouth had been doing so far, Cindy Lou knew that eating Mandy’s pussy would be a much bigger step. She had enjoyed the taste of her own juices when kissing a man who had just eaten her, but she had no experience with those of another woman. That night would be a first for her if Amanda was ready and, judging from the pleasurable sounds she was making and the way her lower body was moving on the bed, she was. With some reluctance, she left the breasts that had given her so much fun and started kissing and licking her way down her roommate’s flat belly. A pat on the shoulder encouraged her.

Amanda’s pubic hair was trimmed to a Mohawk and the short wiry curls actually felt somewhat unpleasant on Cindy Lou’s tongue. The clean-shaven skin beside the strip of hair had a much better texture and she licked down first one side and then the other. The tempting aroma of Courtney’s trickling juices encouraged her to continue her experiment. Although she had sometimes seen women 69ing, men had always preferred to eat her pussy from between her legs, as Mandy had done earlier, so Cindy Lou decided to use that position too. After licking one more time beside the pubic hair, she got off the bed and climbed on again at the foot.

Amanda saw her roommate approaching and smiled saying “You’re doing great. I’m really enjoying this and it looks like you are too.” Handing over a pillow and raising herself from the bed, she told the novice how to slide it in place to provide the best access to the pussy she was about to eat. Being aware that this was the first time ever for her pupil, Mandy was prepared to give whatever advice and instructions might be needed to maximize the pleasure for both of them.

Cindy Lou was aware of this and appreciated it. With the pillow in place and her roommate’s legs draped over her shoulders, the natural thing was to wrap her arms around the thighs and lean forward. Except for in porno movies, which never seemed very real to her, this was the first time she had seen a pussy from so close and the sight was fascinating. Besides the Mohawk effect, the pubic hair had been almost entirely shaved from the outer lips, leaving a thin line right at the edges. Amanda’s inner lips were dark pink, engorged from desire and protruding from her slit. Her clit was also swollen, so much so that it was crowding its way out from its protective hood. With her fingers, Cindy Lou gently pulled open Mandy’s pussy lips, exposing her lovely, pink vagina. As it became visible, a wonderful cloud of fragrance arose, pleasuring the nostrils that were just inches away.

“Your pussy is beautiful and it smells great. I’m going to really like this.”

Just as Cindy Lou was about to start licking the smooth, wet skin of an outer lip, she remembered how Amanda had started, and backed away slightly to taste the juices that had trickled onto her legs. When her mouth started to caress the thighs of another woman, she found them to be completely different from anything in her experience. Besides the juices, which were delicious, she reveled in the feel of supple skin on her tongue and lips. As Amanda had done earlier, Cindy Lou spent a long time with her tongue caressing her roommate’s thighs before going on to places that promised to be even softer and more delightful.

After her first taste of another woman’s pussy juices, she wanted more. Cindy Lou noted how the freshest ones were trickling out of Mandy and down between her legs so she started there. Licking the whole area between her roommate’s ass and pussy, she relished the combination of sweat and fresh juices until the entire area was clean. Once again, she turned her attentions to the shaven areas of Amanda’s outer lips.

As soon as Cindy Lou started licking there, she was reminded of the fluffy fur of a kitten. The smooth skin felt as soft to her tongue as a kitten’s fur had felt to her fingers. Her nose remained just inches from the marvelous pussy aroma and, after she had licked both outer lips as far as the mons, she could hear the moans of pleasure that had replaced Mandy’s cooing. Before moving her mouth back lower, she peeked up and was gratified to see the slender brunette’s body squirming on the bed and her head moving back and forth on the pillow.

Besides the other movements of her body, Amanda’s pussy was humping into Cindy Lou’s face. She knew all these movements were indications of her extreme pleasure, and meant that she was on her way to cumming. Cindy Lou took pride in knowing that her ministrations were having such a pronounced effect. She wanted to make the other woman cum, but not too soon. Eating a pussy had been so much fun already that she wanted it to continue for a long time.

Once again she feasted on the wealth of fresh juices, followed by slipping the tip of her tongue between a pair of pussy lips. This produced an extra loud moan of pleasure and Cindy Lou slowly moved her tongue upward, thoroughly enjoying the delightful texture and flavor of both lips. Wiggling the tip of her tongue as she went, she made sure to cover both surfaces many times over. After reaching Mandy’s clit hood, she continued stroking back and forth, relishing both the effect she knew her tongue was having and the way it felt to her.

“Yes! Yes! Lick me there. Suck my clit,” Amanda pleaded, interrupting her moaning and her whimpering.

Cindy Lou raised her head to again enjoy the beauty and the aroma of the pussy she was having such a great time eating. The clit had become so swollen it was almost all the way out from under its protective hood. Knowing that if she sucked and licked her there, Mandy would cum quickly, Cindy Lou decided against it. From her experience, she was aware that an orgasm that was delayed was even better, and she was enjoying herself too much to want it to end. She chose, instead, to resume by licking the other pair of pussy lips as she had licked the first. This time after reaching the end of Amanda’s inner lip, she stopped short. With the utmost delicacy, Cindy Lou extended her tongue and let it fondle the throbbing clit, flicking up and down and from side to side.

The reaction was even more dramatic than contact with the clit hood had been. “Yes! Yes, oh, God, yes! Lick my clit; I wanna cum!” Amanda begged. Besides the spoken entreaties, her entire body was thrashing on the bed while she bounced up and down, seemingly trying to wrap her pussy around her roommate’s face.

Throughout her swinging life, Cindy Lou had always done everything possible to give maximum pleasure to her sex partners while getting as much as she could from them. She felt another surge of pride that she had brought another woman to such a height of ecstasy while having so much fun herself. Having personally reached that level many times, she knew it was time for her roommate to cum.

Once again Cindy Lou brought her mouth back to the pink hole that was producing the delicious juices. She pressed her face close and thrust her tongue against the lower edge, relishing the nectar that squirted out. Advancing very slowly and moving only a tiny fraction of an inch, first on one side and then the other, she probed with her tongue, actually penetrating the pink wetness. Because of the erratic way Amanda’s hips were swiveling and rocking, Cindy Lou had to keep her arms tightly wrapped around the thighs on either side of her face as she moved upward.

When she reached the top edge of the adorable place, her tongue was thrusting into the small area between there and Mandy’s clit. With another slight movement upward, her tongue was fondling the engorged sides of the sweetest of sweet spots. Her fingers peeled away the last of the protective hood and Cindy Lou enveloped the throbbing clit in her mouth, sucking gently while her tongue continued caressing the top and sides.

Less than a minute later, Amanda let out a joyous yell. “Yes! Yes! I’m cumming. I’m cumming,” she cried. Cindy Lou felt her temples squeezed by a strong pair of thighs and she felt hands on the back of her head pressing her face against the lovely pussy she was eating. While her roommate rocked from side to side and back and forth, Cindy Lou clung tightly to the thighs that held her an extremely willing prisoner, keeping Mandy’s clit firmly in her mouth and stroking with her tongue.

“Yes! Ahhhh!” Amanda screamed as she climaxed. Her back arched, thrusting her pussy against the mouth that had brought her to that ecstatic state. After her orgasm, her legs released their grip and her hands fell away from Cindy Lou’s head to flop onto the bed.

Although it was obvious that her roommate had climaxed, Cindy Lou was enjoying the feel of the clit in her mouth too much to let go immediately. She continued sucking and licking for a few more seconds before releasing her hold. Amanda’s pussy was covered in fragrant juices and Cindy Lou devoured them, relishing their taste and the feel of the flesh against her tongue. Finally, she backed out from under the legs that were still draped over her shoulders, straightened up and looked at s smiling face.

“That was wonderful,” Mandy sighed. “Like I said, you’re a natural.”

Cindy Lou smiled back and crept up to lie beside the woman who had introduced her to the marvelous new pleasures. They embraced and kissed each other firmly on the lips.

“After you eat a pussy, you should wipe your face off before kissing the other woman. I don’t mind, and I actually like to taste myself, but some women are bothered by it.” They kissed again and lay quietly in each other’s arms for a few minutes.

So far that evening, Cindy Lou’s experiences had been wonderful, being eaten out so expertly and eating what she hoped would be the first of many pussies. Even so the night was still short of perfection.

“This has been really great but there’s something still missing and I know what it is,” she said to Amanda. “You ate my pussy better than anybody ever has and I really loved cumming from that, but I always like to fuck afterward. What I need now is to have a nice, big cock in my pussy.”

“I know what you mean and I feel the same way. We can take turns with Steady Eddie. I don’t mind if he’s not always steady.”

“Thanks, but I’ll go get my own. I call him ‘Big Pete.’ That’s short for ‘Big Peter’. I’ll be right back. Don’t start without me.”

When she returned, Amanda had gotten her dildo out and was lying on the bed licking its head. Cindy Lou didn’t need any saliva for lubrication; she was wet enough from the thrill of eating her first pussy and from anticipating what Big Pete would soon be doing for her.

Lying side by side again, the two women compared their toys. They were quite similar, long and thick and made of firm, lifelike plastic. Each had a narrow tip, good for wedging into a tight hole, and flared out into a mushroom-shaped head. Both dildos were designed with raised triangular bumps along their shafts to pleasure the user’s sweet spots and a spur for stimulating her clit. Both ended in a replica of a scrotum, and behind that was a molded ring, intended to serve as a handle. Cindy Lou’s was pink while the other was clear, but that was the only apparent difference.

“It looks like we have the same taste in cocks,” Amanda observed. “Let’s get the heads started inside us and I’ll do you while you do me. It’s more fun when someone else does the work.” She got off the bed, taking one of the pillows with her to put under her head, and got back on lying in the opposite direction, with her feet braced against the headboard. In this position, each woman had easy access to the other’s pussy.

Once the tip was inserted and Amanda had reached under the blonde’s leg and took control of the toy, Cindy Lou found her roommate to be correct. A dildo in her pussy felt good when she was the one handling it but it felt so much better and more real when someone else was thrusting it in and out. With every stroke after the first few, the toy was plunging all the way into her and she was fucking back to meet it. The cleverly designed bumps massaged the inside of her pussy and the spur fondled her clit every time the shaft entered. Cindy Lou moaned as the pleasure quickly mounted; her whole body writhed and her hips started swiveling, thrusting her legs out like pistons.

Amanda was not far behind her partner. Although all the juices had been licked from the outside of her pussy, there were plenty still inside to provide lubrication. After some initial awkwardness, Cindy Lou established a rhythm and was driving the dildo all the way into her roommate. Mandy’s legs waved in the air as she rocked back and forth to meet the thrusts of the thick plastic cock. The raised triangles and spur on her toy were also doing a great job, and both women were expressing their joy at the immense pleasure they were getting.

“Fuck me. Fuck me good,” Cindy Lou urged her partner and, as if to demonstrate, she stroked the toy she controlled faster and harder into Mandy’s pussy.

“Yes! Give it to me. Give it to me hard!” her roommate responded to the stronger thrusts, and matched the increase in speed. Both women were totally enjoying themselves as they moved toward their orgasms.

Cindy Lou started cumming first. “Yes! Yes!” she cried out joyously. “Keep fucking me!” Her hips continued their swiveling motion, driving her legs back and forth over the arm that was pumping the dildo in and out of her pussy. One hand maintained its grip on Amanda’s toy although the thrusts into Mandy were erratic as Cindy Lou concentrated on cumming. Her other hand grabbed her clit and began massaging, intensifying the contact with the spur on Big Pete. When she climaxed, her back arched, her heels digging into the bed. Just at the moment of orgasm, her fingers lost their grip on Steady Eddie and that arm thumped into the mattress.

Amanda knew when Cindy Lou was ready to start cumming, and thought the blonde might not be able to maintain control of the dildo in her hand. She reached down and held onto the scrotum replica and, when her roommate climaxed and her fingers slipped away, took control. With just a few more thrusts, the brunette started cumming.

“Yes!” she cried and her legs clamped together, holding the dildo in place, deep in her pussy with the spur pressed tightly against her clit. Bending at the hips with both hands between her legs, she rocked and twisted for as long as she continued cumming. When she climaxed, it was with a wordless yell. Her body abruptly straightened until her back arched, jamming her pussy against the hands that still held Steady Eddie in place. Seconds later, she joined Cindy Lou in total relaxation, the two women still lying with their heads at opposite ends of the bed.

They lay quietly, tired and happy, each one with an arm draped across the other’s body. Cindy Lou broke the silence. “Mandy, do you want me to sleep here with you tonight?”

“I don’t think so. You’d want to fool around and I’d want to fool around, and we’d fool around all night, and I have to work tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Amanda thought she should expand on her answer a little. “You’re really hot and sexy, Cindy Lou, and I like you a lot. We both had a great time tonight but it was just for tonight. We’ll do it again, maybe a lot of times, but those times will be just for then. I love sex, but usually with a bunch of people and I like girls, especially you, but I really like boys more.”

“Good. I feel the same way. I loved eating your pussy and I want to do that some more, and other women’s pussies too, but if I had a choice, I’d rather suck off a big cock.”

“Me too. Not too big though, because I like to be able to move it around in my mouth.”

“Yeah. I like that too.”

Cindy Lou got off the bed and stood looking down at Mandy and smiling. “I know you have to go to work tomorrow and I’m tired too. I had a terrific time tonight and I know we’ll be great friends.” She bent down to kiss her goodnight.

“Friends with benefits,” Amanda responded. She sat up and the two friends hugged each other, their breasts pressed together, and kissed, long and hard but each with her mouth closed.

Cindy Lou picked up her clothing and went to the living room to retrieve what she had left on the floor. After turning out the lights there and in the kitchen, she went to her own bed and crawled, still naked between the sheets. As she fell asleep, she was thinking happily of what she and her new friend had done that night and what they would be doing again, hopefully many times, but more than anything else she was looking forward to the sex party on Saturday night.
 
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Hi.

George, isn't it?

I think this second installment is an improvement over the first, but it still lacks many of the ingredients I look for in a story. The characters aren't real enough that I care about them. Or maybe they are real, but they are so different from me that I can't relate. I get the impression that Cindy would have had her lesbian experience with any physcially attractive woman so inclined, that to her Courtney is nothing more than a convenient vagina and tongue combo.

There are some character development possibilities in those first several paragraphs, but the pace feels rushed and thus, I think, those opportunities are missed. For example:

>When she entered the lobby of the bus terminal, Cindy Lou looked for the relatives who would be meeting her. She quickly spotted them, a middle-aged man and woman, holding up a banner with her name on it. With them was an attractive, slender woman, about Cindy Lou’s age, with long black hair. Although they had never met until that day, once the family tie was established, there was an abundance of hugging and kissing with all three of the persons waiting in the lobby. Courtney was the young woman’s name and she was the daughter of the other two. Uncle Fred and Aunt Wilma would be the names her future employer and temporary host and hostess would be called, although their exact relationship to Cindy Lou’s mother was a bit vague.

This paragraph, the second of the story, is lifeless, especially those last two sentences. But there are some excellent chances for me to get to know Cindy here. How does she feel as she gets off that bus, a southern girl in a strange northern city? I think that's an anxious moment we can all identify with. Did you even consider starting the story at that moment? My stomach would be churning. Until I found my relatives, I'd be literally worried sick. Then, once I found them, well, there'd be a different set of butterflies. But that's me. Cindy's not me. I want to know how she feels. As it is, I have no idea if she strides off that bus with a smile and a swagger or with her shoulders clenched and her eyes darting. Also important, how does Cindy feel when she first sees Courtney- especially since physical attractiveness appears to be quite important to Cindy. Was she expecting to meet another young woman? Then, I'd like to hear what was said, know who initiated the hugs, those kinds of things. How does Cindy react when Courtney hugs her? Was the kissing expected? Enjoyed?

Next paragraph:

>While her husband was helping stow the trunks in the station wagon, Aunt Wilma took the front passenger seat, leaving the young women to share the back seat and get acquainted. During the long drive home, Cindy Lou was charming and talkative. At first Courtney seemed reserved, almost aloof and staring out her window, but she soon warmed up a bit, smiling and being attentive to her pretty blonde cousin, even moving closer and affectionately patting her knee.

I was especially disappointed not hearing what the two women say in that backseat. They are getting to know each other and I could have gotten to know them as well. I felt cheated. Plus, what a great flirting opportunity. What if Courtney slides her hand over to Cindy's leg; Cindy looks at the hand, then to Courtney who at once withdraws the hand; then Cindy's lips form a purse as she realizes she liked it there? Little things like that work for me with regard to increasing my belief that the characters are attracted to one another, even if I don't know why.

I focused on those two paragraphs because they come so early in the story and have, imo, so many missed possibilities.

Tension was also missing in this tale. I'd have thought it a better story if Cindy is attracted to Courtney, but is reluctant to make a move and risk alienating not only her roommate, but this entire branch of the family. Even if I know it's a lesbian story and Cindy has nothing to worry about, it still increases the believability and thus my involvement is she's worried. I can be empathetic with a character's concerns, even if I know she has nothing to fret about.

As it is, I found it a bit incredulous how fast the two women get together. I think Cindy finding Courtney's receipt is a clever touch, I'd have just liked it better if it doesn't happen the first day. Any reason they can't get to know one another a bit longer first? Cindy goes from not wanting to share an apartment with Courtney to wanting to share much more in a matter of hours. Even a week would be so much easier to believe. The basic attraction appears to be primarily physical on both of their parts. Other than that, I don't know much of what either is thinking or feeling or why she's behaving the way she does except that it's a sex story and she has to.

When the women have the extended conversation beginning with, You certainly have had a lot of experiences, Courtney. Makes me sorry I got married so young. I missed out on a lot of fun, that was the closest I ever felt to them. I think the exchange should be subtler, slower, but I liked that they had an exchange and tested the waters a bit. This is what I think the story is missing- the testing, the teasing, the flirting, the hints- dare I say the romance?

Compared to the first story, the sex scene is a little more involved and has a slower pace, but the feel is still off, detached even. I'm told the sex is fabulous, and once again her orgasm was also one of the best, but once again I don't feel it. I think the core of the problem is that the story focuses the exterior of the woman instead of her core - if that makes sense?

Examples:

Certain descriptions during the erotic scene read like an instruction manual, devoid of emotion:
>...followed by insinuating the tip of her tongue between a pair of Courtney’s inner and outer pussy lips.
> Starting once again below her vagina, she could feel her roommate’s clever tongue moving quickly but traveling slowly, this time up the other pair of pussy lips.
> The next place the pleasuring tongue visited was between an inner and outer pussy lip at their origins.
>A pillow was slipped under her hips; arms went around her legs and fingers rested above her pussy.
> She was familiar with the erogenous pulse spots on a woman’s throat and her lips and tongue caressed all of them
About this last one- I've never heard of the erogenous pulse spots on my neck, or anyone else's. Am I missing something? Do tell!

Other descriptions included little bits of information I found simply distracting. In a way, I felt the women were distracted as well.
>she was reminded of the fluffy fur of a kitten
> ... as she had so many times for men ...
> ... men had often expressed their appreciation of the way it felt so Cindy Lou had never done any more than trim the edges
>Courtney knew when Cindy Lou was ready to start cumming, and thought the blonde might not be able to maintain control and continue pounding...

Some of the dialogue during the sex was a little on the long side. For example:
> “You’re doing great. I’m really enjoying this and it looks like you are too.”
> “Your pussy is beautiful and it smells great. I think I’m really going to like this.”
This is more like what I'd expect:
> "Yes! Yes! Lick me there. Suck my clit"

Lastly, what is with these toy names? My Pussy's Friend, My Ass's Friend, and My Steady Boyfriend? These left me shaking my head. It's not just that they are awkward to read. They make me think if these women had a dog it would be named "Our Friendly Pet" or "My Carpet's Nemesis" instead of Zippy or Spot. Did you consider names like Little Blue, Big Red, and B.O.B.? I think the women discussing their toy names could be a sexy conversation too.

In spite of my reservations, I'm impressed that you're attempting a series like this. It has to be daunting, especially when I show up and don't have a lot of positive things to say aside from the technical aspects being flawless. Having read your comments on other stories, I can't help but think you're holding yourself back here. Are you maybe too worried about making mistakes to take a few chances?

I'll send a PM regarding minor issues related to specific sentences.

Take Care,
Penny
 
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That girl from Bamalama

Hi:

Thanks for posting this up for us to read. I want to agree with Penny and say that I think it has a lot of potential, but still needs some work. I essentially agree with what she has to say, but want to add a few points of my own:

1. The first paragraph kind of hit me over the head. The fact that CL fucked a guy on the bus and sucked off the bus driver in that first paragraph kind of came on too strong for me. I would have preferred some explanation, rather than the kind of matter-of-fact recounting of these events. By that, I mean, a paragraph or two explaining why she's on the bus at all (I know it's part of a series, but you have to assume that the reader is only going to start with this one), how bored she got on that long ride, how she flirted with the boy she ended up fucking, using her swinger's skills to take advantage of him, and how she'd fantasized about the bus driver, only to have her fantasy fulfilled. Maybe she even wanted him to catch her with the boy?

2. I don't have a good sense for what any of these characters look like. They are all body parts (breasts, labia, etc.), without any real description. It's a personal preference, but I like to be able to visualize the characters I'm reading about so I can create pictures in my mind of what they are doing when they do it.

3. I'd also prefer some more 'atomospherics' by which I mean, what does NYC smell like ? It has a very distinctive smell and a newcomer from Bamalama would certainly notice it. How loud is it? What does the apartment look like?

4. The bit about her renting an apartment from an ad in the rest stop doesn't work. NYC has a huge housing shortage and one doesn't find an apartment that way, so this seems too unbelievable.

5. Like Penny, I'm missing a sense of tension. The sex between C and CL seems like a foregone conclusion. Why not have each woman thinking more about how hot she thinks the other is, but is worried about approaching her for fear of putting a wrong foot forward at the beginnig of their relationship? Also, do you really think it's believable that their sex life together would progress this fast? My own feeling is that even the most forward of people would wait a day or two before moving to the next level with a new roommate. I guess it just seems forced to me.

So, I'd say back up a bit and try to establish more of a foundation for the actions the two women are taking here and it will improve the story a lot.

Thanks again for putting this up for us to read. Like I said, I think it has a lot of potential.

Allan
 
NYC smells? Well, who would have thought?

Interesting point on the scent. So, really, what does New York smell like?

The New York housing information is also useful- and easy to incorporate. With an apartment shortage, what if Cindy is only staying with Courtney, at least initially, until she can find a place of her own? That could be months. In such a situation, there could be all manner of tension, especially if Courtney only has one bedroom. Maybe Uncle Fred is paying a good portion of Courtney's rent- housing is expensive right? If so, then Uncle Fred may have insisted Courtney put Cindy up; and Courtney resents it, but doesn't tell Cindy. Just a couple of possibilities, of course. All kinds of interesting options there, I think.

I too had trouble telling the woman apart, but not because of their appearance. I care about who they are, not what they look like, yet I'm not finding any distinction- they both like the same things, they're the same age, they're both bi, both beautiful, both swingers, etc.

Wouldn't it be interesting if Courtney is, at least on the surface, a prig? At first, Cindy would probably be a little shocked to find the big city girl being so conformist, but then she could discover a sultry curious side lurking just beneath her cousin's surface, especially if Courtney learns of Cindy's lifestyle and is intrigued rather than repulsed. If Courtney's conservative nature comes from her puritan parents, there's a good source of potential conflict, if not in this chapter then perhaps in a later one.

So far as the opening paragraph backfill goes, I agree with drlust that it's awkward, but I'd suggest removing it rather than expanding it. It's not really part of this story; it's part of Cindy's history- any important pieces of which she can tell Courtney, and us, in due time.

I also agree that all the basic ingredients of an arousing scene are present; the situation has appeal and potential far beyond what the simple bus episode had to offer.

Take Care,
Penny
 
Hi.

Feedback from Penelope Street:
My responses are in boldface

PS: George, isn't it?

I think this second installment is an improvement over the first, but it still lacks many of the ingredients I look for in a story. The characters aren't real enough that I care about them. Or maybe they are real, but they are so different from me that I can't relate. I get the impression that Cindy would have had her lesbian experience with any physcially attractive woman so inclined, that to her Courtney is nothing more than a convenient vagina and tongue combo.

BL: Yes, it is George. My last name isn’t really Boxlicker but that’s the name I always use. Cindy Lou had been curious for a long time and, yes, she would have had her first experience with any reasonably good looking-woman, unless there was some other negative possibility. After she realized she may have misjudged Courtney, she develops a certain affection and kinship for her. Courtney is more than a sex object although she is that also.

PS: There are some character development possibilities in those first several paragraphs, but the pace feels rushed and thus, I think, those opportunities are missed. For example:

>When she entered the lobby of the bus terminal, Cindy Lou looked for the relatives who would be meeting her. She quickly spotted them, a middle-aged man and woman, holding up a banner with her name on it. With them was an attractive, slender woman, about Cindy Lou’s age, with long black hair. Although they had never met until that day, once the family tie was established, there was an abundance of hugging and kissing with all three of the persons waiting in the lobby. Courtney was the young woman’s name and she was the daughter of the other two. Uncle Fred and Aunt Wilma would be the names her future employer and temporary host and hostess would be called, although their exact relationship to Cindy Lou’s mother was a bit vague.

This paragraph, the second of the story, is lifeless, especially those last two sentences. But there are some excellent chances for me to get to know Cindy here. How does she feel as she gets off that bus, a southern girl in a strange northern city? I think that's an anxious moment we can all identify with. Did you even consider starting the story at that moment? My stomach would be churning. Until I found my relatives, I'd be literally worried sick. Then, once I found them, well, there'd be a different set of butterflies. But that's me. Cindy's not me. I want to know how she feels. As it is, I have no idea if she strides off that bus with a smile and a swagger or with her shoulders clenched and her eyes darting. Also important, how does Cindy feel when she first sees Courtney- especially since physical attractiveness appears to be quite important to Cindy. Was she expecting to meet another young woman? Then, I'd like to hear what was said, know who initiated the hugs, those kinds of things. How does Cindy react when Courtney hugs her? Was the kissing expected? Enjoyed?

BL: I think you are right about the anxiety and I will make some changes to reflect that. The second paragraph may become two. When I first started the story, I had about three pages before Cindy even got off the bus. I realized that was too much and I cut way back, maybe too much.

The first para is something of a synopsis of the first story and I feel it needs to be included for that reason and to get some sex into the story right away. Otherwise, it goes over 2,000 words before Cindy Lou takes off her pants. In fact, I am going to add more sex to this and some other tidbits. They are intended to advance the stories and to whet the appetite of a reader looking for my usual smut.

Cindy is only bi-curious and just then she is interested only in meeting her relatives and getting a place to live. Even after that, she would not be sexually attracted to Courtney. She would see her as part of a group of relatives. The hugging and kissing was among family members and affectionate, not sexual, which is why I mentioned the family ties. Cindy would have hugged and kissed all three people who met her, and it would be something she would have been expected to do, and something she would have been happy to do.


PS: Next paragraph:

>While her husband was helping stow the trunks in the station wagon, Aunt Wilma took the front passenger seat, leaving the young women to share the back seat and get acquainted. During the long drive home, Cindy Lou was charming and talkative. At first Courtney seemed reserved, almost aloof and staring out her window, but she soon warmed up a bit, smiling and being attentive to her pretty blonde cousin, even moving closer and affectionately patting her knee.

I was especially disappointed not hearing what the two women say in that backseat. They are getting to know each other and I could have gotten to know them as well. I felt cheated. Plus, what a great flirting opportunity. What if Courtney slides her hand over to Cindy's leg; Cindy looks at the hand, then to Courtney who at once withdraws the hand; then Cindy's lips form a purse as she realizes she liked it there? Little things like that work for me with regard to increasing my belief that the characters are attracted to one another, even if I don't know why.

I focused on those two paragraphs because they come so early in the story and have, imo, so many missed possibilities.

BL: She would have talked about family news from Alabama, and her trip and her divorce and other things like that. I might add that fact but I won’t go into any detail because, although it would have been interesting to the family members, it would have been extremely boring to the reader. Courtney would not have done much flirting while her parents were in the front seat. Later, I mention that she was attracted to Cindy Lou. I will demonstrate this more while they are still in the car but not too strongly. The readers, knowing the story is about woman on woman sex will recognize it but not Cindy Lou.

Remember, neither young woman wants the older couple or each other to know about their swinging lifestyles so they can’t talk about that while in the car.


PS: Tension was also missing in this tale. I'd have thought it a better story if Cindy is attracted to Courtney, but is reluctant to make a move and risk alienating not only her roommate, but this entire branch of the family. Even if I know it's a lesbian story and Cindy has nothing to worry about, it still increases the believability and thus my involvement is she's worried. I can be empathetic with a character's concerns, even if I know she has nothing to fret about.

BL: Cindy is bi-curious only, not bi-sexual. She would not have been attracted to another woman, at least not until she suspected the other woman had lesbian tendencies. The first impressions both women made were bad, as being snooty and as being a yokel from the Bible Belt. Both women later realize their first impressions were 180 degrees off and become close friends, with benefits. There is no real tension but there is a certain amount of sexual awakening in Cindy Lou as she enjoys new experiences.

PS: As it is, I found it a bit incredulous how fast the two women get together. I think Cindy finding Courtney's receipt is a clever touch, I'd have just liked it better if it doesn't happen the first day. Any reason they can't get to know one another a bit longer first? Cindy goes from not wanting to share an apartment with Courtney to wanting to share much more in a matter of hours. Even a week would be so much easier to believe. The basic attraction appears to be primarily physical on both of their parts. Other than that, I don't know much of what either is thinking or feeling or why she's behaving the way she does except that it's a sex story and she has to.

BL: She had to find the receipt the first day. She was looking in all the drawers in the kitchen in order to familiarize herself with the place where she will be cooking and doing other chores, and ran across it by accident. If she hadn’t found it then, Courtney probably would have removed it because she was keeping her swinging life a secret. Both women disliked the idea of sharing an apartment because they didn’t know about each other. Once they learned how much they have in common, they see the relationship as being highly beneficial to both of them. This story actually seems to have more of a message than most of what I write, besides being smutty.

You are right; this is a sex story, not a romance,with a budding relationship being consummated after a week or so. If I were to write about their mundane comings and goings for a week, I would have even bored myself, let alone the readers. I think it is perfectly reasonable that they would want to get to know each other better, which is why the long conversation and the wine after dinner. The attraction on Courtney’s part is that she has the hots. For Cindy, it is curiosity. It becomes more than that but both women think of sex as primarily being fun, which is why they indulge whenever they can.


PS: When the women have the extended conversation beginning with, You certainly have had a lot of experiences, Courtney. Makes me sorry I got married so young. I missed out on a lot of fun, that was the closest I ever felt to them. I think the exchange should be subtler, slower, but I liked that they had an exchange and tested the waters a bit. This is what I think the story is missing- the testing, the teasing, the flirting, the hints- dare I say the romance?

BL: I felt proud of that conversation. At first it was about generalities such as life in Alabama or New York or work or other things that I didn’t want to describe in any detail. This had to happen to lay the groundwork for the confidentialities that were later exchanged but I didn’t need any description, except to say they talked about things like that, because the details wouldn’t have advanced the story and would have been boring to the readers. Each of the women had her own agenda. Cindy Lou wanted to find our about Courtney’s possible lesbian tendencies in order to satisfy her own curiosity and she wanted to meet possible sex partners through her roommate. Therefore, since she is a good conversationalist, she encouraged Courtney to describe her sexual activities. The fact that Courtney was quite promiscuous was very encouraging. Courtney wanted to have sex with Cindy Lou, whom she knew was unattached, so she wanted to know what kind of sex was preferred and they went on from there. I could have made the conversation longer and added some tangents but I would have considered that to be padding.

PS: Compared to the first story, the sex scene is a little more involved and has a slower pace, but the feel is still off, detached even. I'm told the sex is fabulous, and once again her orgasm was also one of the best, but once again I don't feel it. I think the core of the problem is that the story focuses the exterior of the woman instead of her core - if that makes sense?

BL: The sex is more involved because they have a bed and they both want foreplay. They also need to test the waters and each has to find out what the other wants. On the bus, Everybody knew what was wanted and they went right at it. The young man knew she was horny and he wanted to eat her pussy. She wanted him to do it so he knelt right in front of her and went at it. After she had cum twice from that, they both wanted to fuck so they did so with a minimum of discussion, except during the actual fucking. The bus driver wanted a blowjob and thought she would have to provide it so he was not subtle. She had no qualms about sucking him off and went right for it.

Although they like each other, there is no feeling deeper than that. The sex in both stories is just physical fun for all involved, as it usually is for both women. They are both swingers and they enjoy sex on a strictly physical level because that’s all they have just then. They both realize that sex in a loving relationship is better but they settle for what they have.



PS: Examples:

Certain descriptions during the erotic scene read like an instruction manual, devoid of emotion:
>...followed by insinuating the tip of her tongue between a pair of Courtney’s inner and outer pussy lips.
> Starting once again below her vagina, she could feel her roommate’s clever tongue moving quickly but traveling slowly, this time up the other pair of pussy lips.
> The next place the pleasuring tongue visited was between an inner and outer pussy lip at their origins.
>A pillow was slipped under her hips; arms went around her legs and fingers rested above her pussy.
> She was familiar with the erogenous pulse spots on a woman’s throat and her lips and tongue caressed all of them
About this last one- I've never heard of the erogenous pulse spots on my neck, or anyone else's. Am I missing something? Do tell!

BL: One thing I always include in my stories is a lot of graphic descriptions of sex, and I include them in great detail. This is probably one difference between smut that I write and erotica. Anyhow, sometimes in order to describe the same thing in different ways, I have been known to get a bit clinical. I try to avoid doing it too much but I don’t think I can avoid it entirely. Before I submit the story I will be looking for egregious examples of what you say. I have several reference books that I use, including “Joy of Sex” and I read in them about the erogenous places in a woman’s throat, in the front of her neck between her jaw and her collarbones.

PS: Other descriptions included little bits of information I found simply distracting. In a way, I felt the women were distracted as well.
>she was reminded of the fluffy fur of a kitten
> ... as she had so many times for men ...
> ... men had often expressed their appreciation of the way it felt so Cindy Lou had never done any more than trim the edges
>Courtney knew when Cindy Lou was ready to start cumming, and thought the blonde might not be able to maintain control and continue pounding...

BL: The last phrase probably needs changing. I may have compared sex with men to sex with Courtney too often and I may delete some references, but probably not the one about pubic hair because Courtney likedthe hair too. I thought I made a good comparison between the kitten fur and Courtney’s skin but let’s see what others think.

PS: Some of the dialogue during the sex was a little on the long side. For example:
> “You’re doing great. I’m really enjoying this and it looks like you are too.”
> “Your pussy is beautiful and it smells great. I think I’m really going to like this.”
This is more like what I'd expect:
> "Yes! Yes! Lick me there. Suck my clit"

BL: Courtney sees herself as being something of a teacher here so she would encourage Cindy and have other things to say. I might cut down Cindy Lou’s sentences by a little but I didn’t think they were all that long.

PS: Lastly, what is with these toy names? My Pussy's Friend, My Ass's Friend, and My Steady Boyfriend? These left me shaking my head. It's not just that they are awkward to read. They make me think if these women had a dog it would be named "Our Friendly Pet" or "My Carpet's Nemesis" instead of Zippy or Spot. Did you consider names like Little Blue, Big Red, and B.O.B.? I think the women discussing their toy names could be a sexy conversation too.

I think you’re right about that. I believe I will change them to Big Pete, Pete Junior and Steady Eddie, in that order. The reasons for the first two are obvious and I might add a few words about the third.

PS: In spite of my reservations, I'm impressed that you're attempting a series like this. It has to be daunting, especially when I show up and don't have a lot of positive things to say aside from the technical aspects being flawless. Having read your comments on other stories, I can't help but think you're holding yourself back here. Are you maybe too worried about making mistakes to take a few chances?

BL: Hi, Penny. Thanks for the compliments. You actually have a lot of constructive criticism and suggestions and some I will follow, some I will partly follow and some I will disregard. I don’t know what you mean when you say I am holding myself back. I think I am being quite daring. Even though my three previous lesbian stories have been poorly received, I am trying another, and I am trying to do a better job of this one.

PS: I'll send a PM regarding minor issues related to specific sentences.

Take Care,
Penny
 
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Feedback from Dr. Lust:
BL: My responses will be in boldface.
That girl from Bamalama

L: Hi:

Thanks for posting this up for us to read. I want to agree with Penny and say that I think it has a lot of potential, but still needs some work. I essentially agree with what she has to say, but want to add a few points of my own:

1. The first paragraph kind of hit me over the head. The fact that CL fucked a guy on the bus and sucked off the bus driver in that first paragraph kind of came on too strong for me. I would have preferred some explanation, rather than the kind of matter-of-fact recounting of these events. By that, I mean, a paragraph or two explaining why she's on the bus at all (I know it's part of a series, but you have to assume that the reader is only going to start with this one), how bored she got on that long ride, how she flirted with the boy she ended up fucking, using her swinger's skills to take advantage of him, and how she'd fantasized about the bus driver, only to have her fantasy fulfilled. Maybe she even wanted him to catch her with the boy?

BL: Hi, Doc. Thanks for your interest. I believe most of my readers expect me to get into the smut pretty quickly and I don’t want to disappoint them. It takes over 2,000 words before Cindy Lou removes her pants and I want to have some sex in there to whet readers’ appetites. I have actually added more to three places.

There was no flirting whatsoever and nobody took advantage of anybody. Cindy Lou and the young man both wanted sex and they got together with no hesitation. She didn’t fantasize about the bus driver. He saw and heard what was going on and wanted in on the action. She obliged him for a very good reason, besides lust.

I’m not going to do a lot of explaining what happened to cause her to be on the bus going to New York. I mention the divorce and the new job and I might say a little more but if anybody wants all the details behind this story, they will have to read the first story.


L: 2. I don't have a good sense for what any of these characters look like. They are all body parts (breasts, labia, etc.), without any real description. It's a personal preference, but I like to be able to visualize the characters I'm reading about so I can create pictures in my mind of what they are doing when they do it.

BL I have some description there but I will see if I need to add more.

L: 3. I'd also prefer some more 'atomospherics' by which I mean, what does NYC smell like ? It has a very distinctive smell and a newcomer from Bamalama would certainly notice it. How loud is it? What does the apartment look like?

BL: Since Penny has echoed these sentiments, I will add some.

L: 4. The bit about her renting an apartment from an ad in the rest stop doesn't work. NYC has a huge housing shortage and one doesn't find an apartment that way, so this seems too unbelievable.

BL: She didn’t rent an apartment. At a rest stop, she found a publication advertising or describing apartments for rent and was appalled at the high prices. Originally, she wanted her own place to do her own thing but when she saw the high rentals, she realized it wouldn’t happen.

L: 5. Like Penny, I'm missing a sense of tension. The sex between C and CL seems like a foregone conclusion. Why not have each woman thinking more about how hot she thinks the other is, but is worried about approaching her for fear of putting a wrong foot forward at the beginnig of their relationship? Also, do you really think it's believable that their sex life together would progress this fast? My own feeling is that even the most forward of people would wait a day or two before moving to the next level with a new roommate. I guess it just seems forced to me.

So, I'd say back up a bit and try to establish more of a foundation for the actions the two women are taking here and it will improve the story a lot.

BL: The cat. Is “Lesbian Love” so any reader will know quite early that the sex will be between the two young women. I tried to show how C is very attracted to CL and how CL thinks C might be bisexual and part of a group of swingers, and wants to satisfy her curiosity and become a part of that group. They do feel each other out and, after dinner and while sharing a bottle of wine, they both find what they want and go for it. They are both swingers, used to casual sex with strangers so that doesn’t seem too far-fetched. Later, they comment on how lucky they are to have found each other.

L: Thanks again for putting this up for us to read. Like I said, I think it has a lot of potential.

Allan

BL: You’re welcome. And thanks for your suggestions.
 
More comments by Penelope Street.

My responses will be in boldface.

PS: Interesting point on the scent. So, really, what does New York smell like?

BL: I will add something about that and some more description but I don’t want to overdo that. The story is set in the winter so the smell would not be too overpowering.

PS: The New York housing information is also useful- and easy to incorporate. With an apartment shortage, what if Cindy is only staying with Courtney, at least initially, until she can find a place of her own? That could be months. In such a situation, there could be all manner of tension, especially if Courtney only has one bedroom. Maybe Uncle Fred is paying a good portion of Courtney's rent- housing is expensive right? If so, then Uncle Fred may have insisted Courtney put Cindy up; and Courtney resents it, but doesn't tell Cindy. Just a couple of possibilities, of course. All kinds of interesting options there, I think.

BL: I will add a mention but I don’t think a lot of details are relevant. Cindy Lou is sharing the apartment because of the high rents. She has alimony coming from Bobby and her salary but even with that, she would not be able to get a nice place of her own. I believe most new apartments are built with two bedrooms, for sharing and for family starters. At least, this one was. Courtney has been there a long time and benefits from rent control and has had a roommate in the past so she was able to afford her half. Uncle Fred didn’t have to insist on anything because both women agreed, albeit reluctantly. The reluctance might have eventually changed to resentment but it didn’t have a chance to.

PS: I too had trouble telling the woman apart, but not because of their appearance. I care about who they are, not what they look like, yet I'm not finding any distinction- they both like the same things, they're the same age, they're both bi, both beautiful, both swingers, etc.

BL: They are very much alike although they don’t know it at first. Besides pure smut, that is part of the point of the story. Cindy Lou is not truly bi, she just enjoys variety. They don’t look much alike, they have different levels of education and Cindy married at 18 while Courtney has never married.

PS: Wouldn't it be interesting if Courtney is, at least on the surface, a prig? At first, Cindy would probably be a little shocked to find the big city girl being so conformist, but then she could discover a sultry curious side lurking just beneath her cousin's surface, especially if Courtney learns of Cindy's lifestyle and is intrigued rather than repulsed. If Courtney's conservative nature comes from her puritan parents, there's a good source of potential conflict, if not in this chapter then perhaps in a later one.

BL: It would be interesting but it wouldn’t be this story. Courtney is miles from being a prig and is delighted to learn of Cindy Lou’s lifestyle. In a future story, I might have Cindy seducing a young woman but not in this one. There is nothing puritan about either Courtney or her father but that last part will come out in another future story.

PS: So far as the opening paragraph backfill goes, I agree with drlust that it's awkward, but I'd suggest removing it rather than expanding it. It's not really part of this story; it's part of Cindy's history- any important pieces of which she can tell Courtney, and us, in due time.

BL: For reasons given earlier, I am not going to remove the first paragraph and I have even sexed it up a little more. I may try to make it less awkward, though.

PS: I also agree that all the basic ingredients of an arousing scene are present; the situation has appeal and potential far beyond what the simple bus episode had to offer.

Take Care,
Penny

BL: Thanks, Penny. You take care too.
 
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Some comments

The story as porn is cleanly presented. Probably its straightforwardness will be an asset and your audience will be reached. Grammar and punctuation, OK. Style, ??

If I may say one thing; there was a time when porn or erotica achieved its effect by simply mentioning things. Assholes and vaginas, with the right slang, bunghole and pussy.

Hence we hear that porn is 'graphic' or 'explicit.' There is the phrase "pornographic detail." But I think the limits of explicitness were reached at least 10 years ago. In movies, every possible body part has been close-upped.
In terms of mainstream writing, no detail is now 'pornographic'. I.e., a novel may say, 'his cock was hard.'

My sense is that, below, you're trying for effect through the piling up of minute detail, some of it apparently knowledgeable. It's sort of like a porn movie that's all close-ups (8 ins away).

The mental processes are chained to these details, and are relatively emotionless
Knowing that if she sucked and licked her there, Courtney would cum quickly, Cindy Lou decided against it. After an event, it's "That was great" "I came so hard."

You need to imagine how to capture a porn reader by means other than, or besides, details. If I may use the analogy above, you need to pull the camera back from the labia a few feet and let the women be seen and known. And it's not simply bodily movements (her arms thrashing) that I'm talking about.

I note that you explain your approach in terms consistent with what I'm saying:
One thing I always include in my stories is a lot of graphic descriptions of sex, and I include them in great detail. This is probably one difference between smut that I write and erotica.

This is what makes real dialogue about your stories difficult, Box. What's there is intentional. It's sort of like my saying to a guy, "your fly is open and you shirt smells," and he says, "I leave it open to air my cock and I hate doing laundry. And my friend compliment me on my unique style in dress."

It's good that you're working to improve your writing. For myself, a rule would be that, aside from the sex, something is happening, and characters are interacting on an emotional level. The simplest things will work. A, a male, wants revenge on his boss, a female, B. So A rapes B. And feels good about it.

That's a story**; all the sexual detail is added to this, which makes the detail colored by the emotion: i.e. 'jamming into her pussy' is suggestive of the anger he is feeling. As opposed to "Cindy inserted the plastic dildo, about 4 ins., sliding it gently past int the slick inner lips.' The only motives you indicate have to do with sexual performance per se. "Cindy wanted Courtney to come hard." Note: these quotes are made up, but may illustrate the point.

Best of luck.

**provided that the reader is kept interested and occasionally surprised through such writerly means as delays, unforeseen obstacles, dilemmas, 'tension.'

---
PS I notice Penny and others have made some excellent comments on many issues I've not touched on.





Once again she feasted on the wealth of fresh juices, followed by insinuating the tip of her tongue between a pair of Courtney’s inner and outer pussy lips. This produced an extra loud moan of pleasure and Cindy Lou slowly moved her tongue upward, thoroughly enjoying the delightful texture and flavor of both lips. Wiggling the tip of her tongue as she went, she made sure to cover both surfaces many times over. After reaching Courtney’s clit hood, she continued stroking back and forth with her tongue, relishing both the effect she knew it was having and the way it felt to her.

“Yes! Yes! Lick me there. Suck my clit,” Courtney pleaded, interrupting her moaning and her whimpering.

Cindy Lou raised her head to again enjoy the beauty and the aroma of the pussy she was having such a great time eating. The clit had become so swollen it was almost all the way out from under its protective hood. Knowing that if she sucked and licked her there, Courtney would cum quickly, Cindy Lou decided against it. From her experience, she was aware that an orgasm that was a bit delayed was even better, and she was enjoying herself too much to want it to end. She chose, instead, to resume by licking the other pair of pussy lips as she had licked the first. This time after reaching the end of Courtney’s inner lip, she stopped short. With the utmost delicacy, she extended her tongue and let it fondle the throbbing clit, flicking up and down and from side to side.

The reaction was even more dramatic than contact with the clit hood had been. “Yes! Yes, oh, God, yes! Lick my clit; I wanna cum!” Courtney begged. Besides the spoken entreaties, her entire body was thrashing on the bed while she bounced up and down, seemingly trying to wrap her pussy around her roommate’s face.

Throughout her swinging life, Cindy Lou [....]

Once again Cindy Lou brought her mouth back to the pink hole that was producing the delicious juices. She pressed her face closely against it and thrust her tongue against the lower edge, relishing the nectar that squirted out. Advancing very slowly and moving only a tiny fraction of an inch, first on one side and then the other, she probed with her tongue, actually penetrating the pink wetness. Because of the erratic way Courtney’s hips were swiveling and rocking, Cindy Lou had to keep her arms tightly wrapped around the thighs on either side of her face as she moved upward.

When she reached the top edge of the adorable hole, her tongue was thrusting into the small area between there and Courtney’s clit. With another slight movement upward, her tongue was fondling the engorged sides of the sweetest of sweet spots. Her fingers peeled away the last of the protective hood and Cindy Lou enveloped the throbbing clit in her mouth, sucking gently while her tongue continued caressing the top and sides.

Less than a minute later, Courtney let out a joyous yell. “Yes! Yes! I’m cumming. I’m cumming,” she cried.
 
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Comments by Pure

Boxlicker101: My responses are in boldface.

P: The story as porn is cleanly presented. Probably its straightforwardness will be an asset and your audience will be reached. Grammar and punctuation, OK. Style, ??

If I may say one thing; there was a time when porn or erotica achieved its effect by simply mentioning things. Assholes and vaginas, with the right slang, bunghole and pussy.

BL: I just want to interrupt by saying that I consider “Asshole” and “ass” “arse” if you are from England, to be slang words, unless you are referring to a donkey. “Anus” would be on the same level as “vagina”.

P: Hence we hear that porn is 'graphic' or 'explicit.' There is the phrase "pornographic detail." But I think the limits of explicitness were reached at least 10 years ago. In movies, every possible body part has been close-upped.
In terms of mainstream writing, no detail is now 'pornographic'. I.e., a novel may say, 'his cock was hard.'

BL: I’ve never heard of “pornographic detail” but I can see what you mean. As for the “limits of explicitness”, if there is such a thing, it was reached more than ten years ago. I have seen porno movies and read passages in porno books that are as explicit as anything around now and I did so much more than ten years ago. “Deep Throat”, for instance, was issued over thirty years ago and parts of it are highly explicit. There were pornographic books around, even then, that were equally explicit.

Actually, I don’t think there is a limit to explicitness, at least not without being ridiculous. I can write “Fuck her asshole. Fuck her pussy. Suck his cock. Eat her pussy. Fuck his asshole” and keep repeating the same words for three hundred pages but it would be silly. Nobody would ever read it beyond the first hundred or so words. Some people might say that my stories verge on that level of silliness but I try to avoid being that extreme.


P: My sense is that, below, you're trying for effect through the piling up of minute detail, some of it apparently knowledgeable. It's sort of like a porn movie that's all close-ups (8 ins away).

The mental processes are chained to these details, and are relatively emotionless
Knowing that if she sucked and licked her there, Courtney would cum quickly, Cindy Lou decided against it. After an event, it's "That was great" "I came so hard."

BL: Most of my stories, at least most of the first person ones, I compare to a porno loop. I start with a few paragraphs describing somebody and telling what she likes. The next 3,000 or so words are about the two of us performing various highly-enjoyable sex acts and, when we are done, I stop writing. Now I am trying to write stories that are more like “Deep Throat” to use the best known example. I want the stories to have detailed and graphic sex but I also want to tell a story and develop my characters. In the case of Cindy Lou, she is a blonde, sexy woman, a high school graduate who has always lived in the same town in Alabama and has kept up with childhood friends. She was a virgin when she married at 18. She had always been a good girl and did what her parents told her. She enjoyed her deflowering and, two weeks after their wedding, they were out swinging. Although reluctant at first, she enjoyed this also, including various types of group sex. Ten years after her wedding, her husband wanted a divorce, for business reasons. She was reluctant because she enjoyed being married but her husband offered her a big settlement and threatened to make their swinging lifestyle public knowledge if she refused. Because of rumors they had heard, her parents feared for the family reputation if her swinging ways became known, and they persuaded her to accept the offer ad live with them during the proceedings. They kept a close watch on her and kept her away from men because they feared for the family reputation.

After the divorce, they persuaded her to go to New York and take a job with a distant relative. On the long ride on the bus, she was very horny and had sex with a man and then sucked off the bus driver at a rest stop.

She expected to rent an apartment in NY until she learned how expensive they are. When she arrived she was picked up by the relatives who would be hiring her, and agreed to share an apartment with their daughter. She was reluctant because she was afraid the daughter might put a damper on her swinging, which she expected to resume in NY. The daughter was also reluctant because, unknown to her parents or to Cindy Lou, she was also a swinger and thought that a roommate might interfere with her activities.

While making herself at home in the apt, CL learned some things about C that made her think she might be a bisexual swinger. CL had always wondered about lesbian sex and hoped to find out. She also hoped that C could introduce her to her friends. After dinner, the two women discussed their sex lives and discovered they wanted to have sex together. They had oral sex and used dildos on each other and discovered how much they had in common and how they could have fun together.

Courtney is also 28 years old, attractive, slender with long, black hair. She is a graduate of NYU and works as a copy writer at an advertising agency. She is mostly straight but has strong lesbian tendencies and was very attracted to CL. There is no real tension or conflict in the story and probably never will be very much. It is a story of the sexual adventures of Cindy Lou from Alabama.

In the example of thought processes you describe, CL wants to bring C to a climax but she delays it. Since this would seem to be contrary to her goal, I explain it by quoting her thoughts. I did this because people might ask “Why is she doing that instead of this.” Would it be better to explain this by narrative? After sex, the participants talk about how great it was and how hard they came. What’s wrong or emotionless with that.


P: You need to imagine how to capture a porn reader by means other than, or besides, details. If I may use the analogy above, you need to pull the camera back from the labia a few feet and let the women be seen and known. And it's not simply bodily movements (her arms thrashing) that I'm talking about.

BL: I’m unsure what you mean. I’m not going to interrupt the sex action by a political speech or a discussion of philosophy. I do have each woman draw back to admire the pussy she is eating. This gives me a chance to show how all her senses are pleased by the sex but I don’t think you mean that.

P: I note that you explain your approach in terms consistent with what I'm saying:
One thing I always include in my stories is a lot of graphic descriptions of sex, and I include them in great detail. This is probably one difference between smut that I write and erotica.

This is what makes real dialogue about your stories difficult, Box. What's there is intentional. It's sort of like my saying to a guy, "your fly is open and you shirt smells," and he says, "I leave it open to air my cock and I hate doing laundry. And my friend compliment me on my unique style in dress."

It's good that you're working to improve your writing. For myself, a rule would be that, aside from the sex, something is happening, and characters are interacting on an emotional level. The simplest things will work. A, a male, wants revenge on his boss, a female, B. So A rapes B. And feels good about it.

That's a story**; all the sexual detail is added to this, which makes the detail colored by the emotion: i.e. 'jamming into her pussy' is suggestive of the anger he is feeling. As opposed to "Cindy inserted the plastic dildo, about 4 ins., sliding it gently past int the slick inner lips.' The only motives you indicate have to do with sexual performance per se. "Cindy wanted Courtney to come hard." Note: these quotes are made up, but may illustrate the point.

BL: I freely admit that most of my stories are just about sex and that there is no attempt or wish to change that. The only change I would want would be to make them sexier. An older exception to this was “Karen’s Birthday”, which I wrote almost two years ago. However, I want the Cindy Lou stories to also be exceptions. In the first one, the story is told mostly in flashback and she remembers her wedding night, and other things that led to her divorce. She lived with her parents and agreed to accept the job in NY. There is little or no sex anywhere in those events. Once in NY, she stayed at the home of her new employer and agreed to share an apartment with their daughter. Once there, she learned more about herself and satisfied an old curiosity. At the end of the story she is looking forward to some fun activities with her new roommate, who has become a friend. There is a lot of sex in both stories. After all, these are intended to be sex stories, but there is a story even without that.

P: Best of luck.

BL: Thanks, Pure. Good luck to you too.



**provided that the reader is kept interested and occasionally surprised through such writerly means as delays, unforeseen obstacles, dilemmas, 'tension.'

---
PS I notice Penny and others have made some excellent comments on many issues I've not touched on.
 
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Hey box :)

To start with, I would suggest a name change for Courtney. Something that starts with a letter other than C. In a scene where both characters are women you are already in a situation where confusion can arise with pronouns like her and she. It makes it even easier to get lost when the girl's proper names start with the same letter.

The flipping POV here kind of throws me. Jumps back and forth between haracter's perceptions is a little off putting to me. I prefer to tie the POV more closely to one or the other character. At the very least, I would try to keep their separate perceptions in separate paragraphs.

Ex:
As the two women walked to the bedroom, Cindy Lou was so eagerly anticipating her first woman-on-woman experience that a few drops of her juices were already trickling down her bare legs. Courtney could smell their delectable aroma and was very much looking forward to eating the pussy of somebody who was so sensual, besides having such a sexy figure.

The jumping from character to character's perceptions really gives it a staccato feel that detracts from the story, IMHO.

I think you do a pretty good job with the descritptive work. I also liked the way you let the scene develop without pushing it towards climax.

The scene is a little more impersonal than I usually write so it's hard to comment on flow. Overall it seems to work well.

Hope this helped. If you have any specific questions just pm me :)
 
Comments from Collie:

My responses are in boldface

Collie: Hey box

To start with, I would suggest a name change for Courtney. Something that starts with a letter other than C. In a scene where both characters are women you are already in a situation where confusion can arise with pronouns like her and she. It makes it even easier to get lost when the girl's proper names start with the same letter.

Box: You are the second person, and the other was also a woman, to mention that so I will try to come up with a different name. Although they do have the same first letter, the sound of the letter is different.

Collie: The flipping POV here kind of throws me. Jumps back and forth between haracter's perceptions is a little off putting to me. I prefer to tie the POV more closely to one or the other character. At the very least, I would try to keep their separate perceptions in separate paragraphs.

Ex:
As the two women walked to the bedroom, Cindy Lou was so eagerly anticipating her first woman-on-woman experience that a few drops of her juices were already trickling down her bare legs. Courtney could smell their delectable aroma and was very much looking forward to eating the pussy of somebody who was so sensual, besides having such a sexy figure.

The jumping from character to character's perceptions really gives it a staccato feel that detracts from the story, IMHO.

Box: I will rewrite the example so it is all in Courtney’s POV. Cindy Lou is the main character and the stories are about what she does and what happens to her so the POV will be mainly hers, but I do need to switch to that of others sometimes, to show their thoughts and their perceptions. I will try to make the transitions smoother, possibly by inserting dialogue. There were changes in POV than I realized. I may have to do something about that.

Collie: I think you do a pretty good job with the descriptive work. I also liked the way you let the scene develop without pushing it towards climax.

The scene is a little more impersonal than I usually write so it's hard to comment on flow. Overall it seems to work well.

Box: I put most of my time and effort into writing detailed descriptions of the sexual activity. I am a writer of smut but I am trying here to write a better quality of smut by including developed characters and a story line, although a simple one. Both women are swingers and used to rather impersonal sex with strangers or near-strangers but I want to show developing affection between them.

Collie: Hope this helped. If you have any specific questions just pm me

Box. Thanks, I will do that. I appreciate your help.

I have changed the other woman’s name from Courtney to Amanda and am now in the process of making that change and others.
 
One word comes to mind to describe this story: Quaint.

My dictionary defines that word several ways, but the meaning I’m thinking of is this one: attractively old-fashioned (but not necessarily authentic).

I’m afraid I’d have to argue with that word “attractively”, though. This story to me was a total yawner. Worse, I had the distinct feeling that not even the author was very interested in this one. It has the feel of something very tired and tedious; just going through the motions.

“Old-fashioned” is fitting because the story has the innocent earnestness of 1970’s porn movies, which had no plot, no characterization, and no tension, the story merely being the vehicle to have people fuck in different ways. The sex in those movies had a drab, clinical feel to it, and you got the distinct feeling that no one was really enjoying themselves, but just going through the motions. The directors seemed to think that merely showing the conjoined gonads was about all the eroticism the viewer could handle, and so you never got a spark of real emotion or human involvement.

“Not necessarily authentic.” The kiss of death. We don’t expect fantastic realism in our smut, but I don’t think it’s too much to expect convincing atmosphere and setting and some believability in the way the characters interact. There’s absolutely no sense of place here, no feeling of being anywhere. The characters are stock fuck-dummy, the interactions trite and flaccid and, well, quaint.

“Wait till I take off my shirt and bra. I think it’s always a lot more fun to be naked.” As she spoke, Cindy Lou was removing the last of her clothing.

“Me too.”


Isn’t that from “Debbie Does Dallas” or “High School Cheerleaders” or some other 1978 porn flick? Does anyone say things like that anymore? Doesn’t that “being naked is such fun!” smack of 1970’s naughtiness?

Ah, I could go on, but what’s the point? I like Boxlicker and I don’t mean to beat him up.

There’s certainly a place for light-hearted ‘70’s-style porn in the world. It doesn’t all have to be sturm-und-drang and whips and chains, but what bothers me is that this story really seems totally devoid of any joy or interest on Box’s part. This might be my own fears talking, because lately I’m wondering if maybe I’m not getting in a rut with my writing, bored and only going through the motions. But I’d really like to know if Box enjoyed writing this one. Did it hold your interest and delight you? Were there times when you just couldn’t wait to get to the computer and get back into the story? Because it doesn’t feel like it to me.


Edited after reading other reviews: Well, I don't know what to say. I see that Box is very serious about this series, so I guess he's giving it his best shot, which means that my remarks about phoning it in are just dead wrong.

I guess I'll just say that this isn't my kind of smut. Or literature, or porn, or whatever we decide to call it. It just fails to work for me on so many levels.

One thing I would suggest, and that's how you go about upgrading the quality of porn. I don't think you do it by writing more detailed or even more graphic sex scenes. I think it's more a matter of fleshing out the characters and the other story elements. I think you make porn hotter by adding more emotion rather than more friction, and to add emotion you have to have characters that live and breathe and feel in situations of some interest.

I wish you the best with Cindy Lou. As Penny says, it's a very gratifying and ambitious project. It's just not my cup of tea.
 
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Here are comments from Dr. Mabeuse.

My responses are in boldface.

Doc. M: One word comes to mind to describe this story: Quaint.

My dictionary defines that word several ways, but the meaning I’m thinking of is this one: attractively old-fashioned (but not necessarily authentic).

I’m afraid I’d have to argue with that word “attractively”, though. This story to me was a total yawner. Worse, I had the distinct feeling that not even the author was very interested in this one. It has the feel of something very tired and tedious; just going through the motions.

Boxlicker101: Actually, I put quite a bit of time and work into it, much more than I usually do.

Doc. M. “Old-fashioned” is fitting because the story has the innocent earnestness of 1970’s porn movies, which had no plot, no characterization, and no tension, the story merely being the vehicle to have people fuck in different ways. The sex in those movies had a drab, clinical feel to it, and you got the distinct feeling that no one was really enjoying themselves, but just going through the motions. The directors seemed to think that merely showing the conjoined gonads was about all the eroticism the viewer could handle, and so you never got a spark of real emotion or human involvement.

BL: In another post, I compared the story to “Deep Throat”, which was another porn movie from the 70’s. I have seen that one. I have heard of “Debbie Does Dallas” but not seen it. I have never heard of “High School Cheerleaders”. I made the comparison because the two stories about Cindy Lou actually have a story line and characters. This is in contrast to most of my other stories, which I compare to porno loops, in that they are just about some persons performing sexually, with nothing else happening. Neither the story line nor the characters are complex, nor are they intended to be. The stories are action-driven, not plot or character-driven.

Doc M: “Not necessarily authentic.” The kiss of death. We don’t expect fantastic realism in our smut, but I don’t think it’s too much to expect convincing atmosphere and setting and some believability in the way the characters interact. There’s absolutely no sense of place here, no feeling of being anywhere. The characters are stock fuck-dummy, the interactions trite and flaccid and, well, quaint.

“Wait till I take off my shirt and bra. I think it’s always a lot more fun to be naked.” As she spoke, Cindy Lou was removing the last of her clothing.

“Me too.”

Isn’t that from “Debbie Does Dallas” or “High School Cheerleaders” or some other 1978 porn flick? Does anyone say things like that anymore? Doesn’t that “being naked is such fun!” smack of 1970’s naughtiness?

BL: There were three locations in the story. One was a bus terminal in NY; one was in a station wagon going from the terminal and the third was a two bedroom apartment in NY. Which of these was not realistic? As for the snippet of dialogue you singled out, I have never seen either movie you mention so I don’t know if it was in one of them. I have also never seen or heard two women preparing to have sex so I can’t say how authentic it was but it seemed not too far off, especially since they were in their apartment so they can relax and not worry about interruptions. Have you seen or heard two women preparing to have sex, making you able to judge its realism?

Doc M: Ah, I could go on, but what’s the point? I like Boxlicker and I don’t mean to beat him up.

There’s certainly a place for light-hearted ‘70’s-style porn in the world. It doesn’t all have to be sturm-und-drang and whips and chains, but what bothers me is that this story really seems totally devoid of any joy or interest on Box’s part. This might be my own fears talking, because lately I’m wondering if maybe I’m not getting in a rut with my writing, bored and only going through the motions. But I’d really like to know if Box enjoyed writing this one. Did it hold your interest and delight you? Were there times when you just couldn’t wait to get to the computer and get back into the story? Because it doesn’t feel like it to me.

BL: Yes, it did hold my interest, and it did enjoy writing it. Saying it “delighted me” might be a bit strong.


Doc M: Edited after reading other reviews: Well, I don't know what to say. I see that Box is very serious about this series, so I guess he's giving it his best shot, which means that my remarks about phoning it in are just dead wrong.

I guess I'll just say that this isn't my kind of smut. Or literature, or porn, or whatever we decide to call it. It just fails to work for me on so many levels.

One thing I would suggest, and that's how you go about upgrading the quality of porn. I don't think you do it by writing more detailed or even more graphic sex scenes. I think it's more a matter of fleshing out the characters and the other story elements. I think you make porn hotter by adding more emotion rather than more friction, and to add emotion you have to have characters that live and breathe and feel in situations of some interest.

I wish you the best with Cindy Lou. As Penny says, it's a very gratifying and ambitious project. It's just not my cup of tea.

BL: I’m not sure what else to say. Some of the critiques on this story included specific suggestions and I adopted most of those and disregarded others. This one, however, and, to a lesser degree, the one from Pure seemed to be just general putdowns, rather than suggestions
 
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BL said:
Now I am trying to write stories that are more like “Deep Throat” to use the best known example. I want the stories to have detailed and graphic sex but I also want to tell a story and develop my characters.

I haven't seen "Deep Throat", but I think the point Pure and Dr.M. are trying to get at is older porn films do not involve developed characters. Perhaps we all have differing definitions regarding the meaning of 'developed character', but I think the consensus is that Cindy Lou and Courtney are underdeveloped to an extent that it makes the sex boring.

Interesting that Miss Colly should join us. When George mentioned her essay in the sticky thread, I had in mind he was going for a dramatic change in style. Miss Colly spends time developing her characters, showing the reader two women interacting in mundane ways, so that when they interact in an intimate way, we're with them.

The amazing part for me is that George apparently envisions a pair of interesting characters in his head and has definite ideas about what these women are thinking and feeling, but little of it makes it into the text, at least not for me.

What to do about it? Well, one option is to do nothing. If the story is as the author intended and he likes it, quaint or otherwise, well, that's one of the beauties about being an amateur, isn't it, not having to please anyone but yourself?

On the other hand, if there exists a desire to add additional depth to the characters, I think there are ways to achieve the depth without altering the story itself.

For instance, Courtney being snooty. The word snooty appears twice in the story, but nowhere does Courtney actually do anything that I would label snooty. Similarly with regard to Cindy being a hick or yokel or whatever the term was; I didn't see that either.

I could have seen both the snooty and the yokel character facets with something simple, such as Cindy asking, "Hey, Uncle Fred, could you put the radio to a country music station?" and Courtney looking down her nose and saying, "You aren't in Hickville anymore. You don't have to listen to that crap." Later, at an opportune moment when the women are alone, Courtney could set the radio to a country music station. That would work, no?

I don't believe character development needs to be expensive in terms of word usage and dialogue is one of the most efficient means to that end. For example, because of the following lines I formed a picture of Fred being an overbearing ass:
"Fine, then," Uncle Fred said to both young women. "It's settled. It's too late in the day to go there now so suppose both you girls stay at the house tonight and we'll get Cindy moved in tomorrow?"

More dialogue like Fred's would, imo, be a big help in making the characters more lively.

Although it contains a few punctuation glitches, I think ronde's is a decent little "How To" on the subject of dialogue:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=122987

Take Care,
Penny
 
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Boxlicker101 said:
BL: I’m not sure what else to say. Some of the critiques on this story included specific suggestions and I adopted most of those and disregarded others. This one, however, and, to a lesser degree, the one from Pure seemed to be just general putdowns, rather than suggestions

I didn't mean for it to sound so put-downy, certainly nothing personal, because I like you, Box. You're a very decent guy and you're the first to say that you have no intention of writing anything but nice, light-hearted porn. Besides, we share an interest in origins of the bible and western religion, and so are mutually cool.

But Penny's exactly right about '70's porn, and I think it should bother you that you aspire to nothing better than to create the mood and feeling of something like "Deep Throat", which is known as kind of a joke not only for the silliness or its plot and the transparency of its actors, but because we now know there was human drama going on behind the scenes that totally dwarfs what we see on the screen. I don’t know of anyone who considers Throat a light-hearted sexual romp anymore. It's kind of held up as an example of the horrors and superficiality and exploitativeness of the early porn industry. Deep Throat is fun only to the most casual observer.

I was absolutely serious when I called your story "quaint", though, in that it does seek to recreate that era of early porn, and in that I really think you were wildly successful. The problem is, I think most of us (or maybe just me) have left those days behind, and we don’t look back with admiration. Women in those movies where no more than cunts with tits. That was good enough back then, but these days I think we expect more. We expect some character and some humanity, some conflict and some drama. We're no longer in an era where the sight of two girls going down on each other has the erotic impact it did in 1974. We're jaded and spoiled, and so this story struck me as quaint. A throwback.

You've already got a lot of good advice on what this story needs to make it feel more modern and relevant. Character is the biggest thing. Character is revealed a number of ways, but one of the most vivid is through conflict. All of us have conflicts we deal with every day, and we sympathize and identify with other people who share our struggles. Cindy Lou & Courtney are totally conflict-less, like the girls in the 70's porn flicks. That may be what you want, but it turns them into cunts with tits again. They’re not real, so we don’t care about them. If Cindy had some doubts about what she was doing, or who she was, or whether Courtney would reject her, or anything, that would go a long way towards making her come alive and make her someone we can believe in and care about.

If you want to keep her a cunt with tits, that your author's prerogative, but there's simply no way you're going to squeeze any additional heat out this story with the characters the way they are. You can describe the cunnilingus in terms as precise as microsurgery, but as long as these girls are cardboard cut-outs, it just won’t have any human warmth or erotic appeal, no more than a description of open heart surgery. It's like the beginning author's trick of trying to turn up the heat buy giving the girls bigger tits or the guys longer dicks. It just doesn't work. You can only go so far and then no further.

As for setting, Dr. Lust mentioned the fact that we get no feel for Cindy's coming to the Big Apple. There's no sense of big city excitement, no color, no sound. No concrete sensual detail. This was the big thing I learned in my best-ever writing class: concrete sensual detail. Let me be specific as to what I mean:

concrete: solid, definite. Something that's out there in the word; not a feeling or internal state.
sensual: it appeals to the senses. It's something we can see or hear or feel or smell, as opposed to things we think or feel inside.
detail: it's something minor, that little clue that sets a scene. The smoke in a nightclub, the candle light in a bedroom, the lipstick on her lips, the slant of light on an afternoon street.

CSD: They're what makes scenes live and breathe. They're what make life vivid.

Example: the bus station: the grit, the squealing of the air brakes, the smell of diesel fuel, the confusion of the crowds. She gets off the bus holding her skirt down against the city wind (I assume buses come in to the Port Authority below street level as they do in Chicago) She's bewildered by the crowds, the people with battered suitcases, the pimps and low-lifes (Port Authority bus station is filled with hustlers and low-lifes, men who are looking for young ingénues just like Cindy Lou to turn them into junkie whores.)

Right away we're in a different world. It's fast, glitzy and dangerous. We're not in Bama anymore. We get to share her perceptions. We're there with her.

The family: They're wealthy, they must feel like they're in hell. Wealthy people don’t ride the bus. They don’t have anything to do with people who do ride the bus. They probably stand huddled together, pissed off and resentful at having to be there. Courtney's probably hugging herself to keep anyone from touching her. She's wearing sunglasses and has that big-city "don't touch me" look on her face. Fred and Wilma (I got the joke by the way, although these are very old-fashioned names which also feel wrong) are angry and impatient to get out of there. Courtney already dislikes Cindy for having been forced to come down to this hell-hole. Rather than a big happy family hug-fest, I think they'd grab her and hustle her out of there.

Courtney already dislikes Cindy for having been forced to come down to this hell-hole. And see, we already know this without being told. We know this because we can see how pissed she is. By showing us how she stands, you're telling us how she feels. That's how stories work.

So there: right away we have a sense of place, of atmosphere, mood, and a sense of the complex and nuanced relationship between these people. We have conflict, personality, depth of character, taste and flavor, and all done with a few lines about the concrete sensual detail Cindy experiences as she gets off the bus.

To me, this is a writer's stock in trade. If you don’t know what the Port Authority Bus Station is like, you dream it up, but you dream it up in such detail that you can see it and hear it and taste it. Then you tell us about it.

I could go on. The apartment—was it a luxury duplex or a cold-water flat? I know it was on the third floor, but that's all I know. How can I see what goes on in there if I don’t know where they are? Courtney living surrounded by rare antiques is not the same person as Courtney living with a mattress on the floor. Both are interesting. I want to know which one she is.

Anyhow, that's enough.

I hope this helped somewhat. I hope at least you don't think I was picking on you. That's $50 worth of writing lessons right there.

---dr.M.
 
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More comments by Penelope Street.

My responses will be in boldface.

PS: Interesting point on the scent. So, really, what does New York smell like?

BL: I will add something about that and some more description but I don’t want to overdo that. The story is set in the winter so the smell would not be too overpowering.

PS: The New York housing information is also useful- and easy to incorporate. With an apartment shortage, what if Cindy is only staying with Courtney, at least initially, until she can find a place of her own? That could be months. In such a situation, there could be all manner of tension, especially if Courtney only has one bedroom. Maybe Uncle Fred is paying a good portion of Courtney's rent- housing is expensive right? If so, then Uncle Fred may have insisted Courtney put Cindy up; and Courtney resents it, but doesn't tell Cindy. Just a couple of possibilities, of course. All kinds of interesting options there, I think.

BL: I will add a mention but I don’t think a lot of details are relevant. Cindy Lou is sharing the apartment because of the high rents. She has alimony coming from Bobby and her salary but even with that, she would not be able to get a nice place of her own, probably not ever. I believe most modern apartments are built with two or more bedrooms, for sharing and for family starters. I described the building as being “A modern, high-rise building” and I will be adding more description of the apartment itself. Amanda, which will now be the name of the roommate, has been there since it was built and benefits from rent control and has had a roommate in the past so she was able to afford her half. Uncle Fred didn’t have to insist on anything because both women agreed, albeit reluctantly. The reluctance might have eventually changed to resentment but it didn’t have a chance to.

PS: I too had trouble telling the woman apart, but not because of their appearance. I care about who they are, not what they look like, yet I'm not finding any distinction- they both like the same things, they're the same age, they're both bi, both beautiful, both swingers, etc.

BL: They are very much alike although they don’t know it at first. Besides pure smut, that is part of the point of the story, how their first impressions are proven to be so wrong. Cindy Lou is not truly bi, she just enjoys variety. They don’t look much alike, they have different levels of education and Cindy married at 18 while Amanda has never married.

PS: Wouldn't it be interesting if Courtney is, at least on the surface, a prig? At first, Cindy would probably be a little shocked to find the big city girl being so conformist, but then she could discover a sultry curious side lurking just beneath her cousin's surface, especially if Courtney learns of Cindy's lifestyle and is intrigued rather than repulsed. If Courtney's conservative nature comes from her puritan parents, there's a good source of potential conflict, if not in this chapter then perhaps in a later one.

BL: It would be interesting but it wouldn’t be this story. Amanda is miles from being a prig and is delighted when she learns of Cindy Lou’s previous lifestyle. In a future story, I might have Cindy seducing a young woman but not in this one. There is nothing puritan about either Amanda or her father but that last part will probably come out in another future story.

PS: So far as the opening paragraph backfill goes, I agree with drlust that it's awkward, but I'd suggest removing it rather than expanding it. It's not really part of this story; it's part of Cindy's history- any important pieces of which she can tell Courtney, and us, in due time.

BL: For reasons given earlier, I am not going to remove the first paragraph and I have even sexed it up a little more. I may try to make it less awkward, though. I’m also going to expand on the second to include more description of the bus station although it is not actually very relevant to the story.

PS: I also agree that all the basic ingredients of an arousing scene are present; the situation has appeal and potential far beyond what the simple bus episode had to offer.

Take Care,
Penny

BL: Thanks, Penny. You take care too.
 
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Additional Feedback from Penelope street.

My responses are in boldface.


Originally Posted by BL
Now I am trying to write stories that are more like “Deep Throat” to use the best known example. I want the stories to have detailed and graphic sex but I also want to tell a story and develop my characters.


PS: I haven't seen "Deep Throat", but I think the point Pure and Dr.M. are trying to get at is older porn films do not involve developed characters. Perhaps we all have differing definitions regarding the meaning of 'developed character', but I think the consensus is that Cindy Lou and Courtney are underdeveloped to an extent that it makes the sex boring.

Interesting that Miss Colly should join us. When George mentioned her essay in the sticky thread, I had in mind he was going for a dramatic change in style. Miss Colly spends time developing her characters, showing the reader two women interacting in mundane ways, so that when they interact in an intimate way, we're with them.

The amazing part for me is that George apparently envisions a pair of interesting characters in his head and has definite ideas about what these women are thinking and feeling, but little of it makes it into the text, at least not for me.

Boxlicker: Actually, I have never thought of them as being especially interesting. Except for being swingers, which really doesn’t get involved until the sex part, they are pretty ordinary. I’m hoping to at least make them sympathetic. Cindy Lou is a person who knows what she wants and goes after it but doesn’t want to hurt or offend anybody. The other is much the same and I have added some narrative to show her being attracted, such as she says later.

PS: What to do about it? Well, one option is to do nothing. If the story is as the author intended and he likes it, quaint or otherwise, well, that's one of the beauties about being an amateur, isn't it, not having to please anyone but yourself?

On the other hand, if there exists a desire to add additional depth to the characters, I think there are ways to achieve the depth without altering the story itself.

For instance, Courtney being snooty. The word snooty appears twice in the story, but nowhere does Courtney actually do anything that I would label snooty. Similarly with regard to Cindy being a hick or yokel or whatever the term was; I didn't see that either.

BL: Cindy Lou thinks of Amanda, which is the new name, as being snooty because of the way she is so unresponsive while riding in the car. She is thought of as a yokel because she is from a small town in the Deep South. These are both false impressions and this is part of the story.

PS: I could have seen both the snooty and the yokel character facets with something simple, such as Cindy asking, "Hey, Uncle Fred, could you put the radio to a country music station?" and Courtney looking down her nose and saying, "You aren't in Hickville anymore. You don't have to listen to that crap." Later, at an opportune moment when the women are alone, Courtney could set the radio to a country music station. That would work, no?

BL: I added a reference to Country Music but that is no more than reinforcement. Cindy Lou has never been to Hicksville because that is on Long Island.

PS: I don't believe character development needs to be expensive in terms of word usage and dialogue is one of the most efficient means to that end. For example, because of the following lines I formed a picture of Fred being an overbearing ass:
"Fine, then," Uncle Fred said to both young women. "It's settled. It's too late in the day to go there now so suppose both you girls stay at the house tonight and we'll get Cindy moved in tomorrow?"

BL: That is an accurate picture and that is what was intended. Besides that, he has shortened her name to “Cindy” rather than using the longer form, which she prefers and that everybody else uses. He is a minor character in this story but he may appear in a subsequent one as a sexual harasser.

PS: More dialogue like Fred's would, imo, be a big help in making the characters more lively.

Although it contains a few punctuation glitches, I think ronde's is a decent little "How To" on the subject of dialogue:
http://english.literotica.com/stori...y.php?id=122987

Take Care,
Penny

BL: Thanks, Penny. Take care yourself.
 
Additional comments from Dr. Mabeuse:

My responses are in bold face.


Dr. M: I didn't mean for it to sound so put-downy, certainly nothing personal, because I like you, Box. You're a very decent guy and you're the first to say that you have no intention of writing anything but nice, light-hearted porn. Besides, we share an interest in origins of the bible and western religion, and so are mutually cool.

But Penny's exactly right about '70's porn, and I think it should bother you that you aspire to nothing better than to create the mood and feeling of something like "Deep Throat", which is known as kind of a joke not only for the silliness or its plot and the transparency of its actors, but because we now know there was human drama going on behind the scenes that totally dwarfs what we see on the screen. I don’t know of anyone who considers Throat a light-hearted sexual romp anymore. It's kind of held up as an example of the horrors and superficiality and exploitativeness of the early porn industry. Deep Throat is fun only to the most casual observer.

BL: Personally, I consider THE MOVIE to be a light-hearted sexual romp. There may be some nasty business in the making of it but THE MOVIE remains what it has always been. I don’t want to get into the making of it right now. Maybe another thread.

Say what you like but “Throat” was something of a pioneer. Up until then, porno movies, or stag movies as they were also called, were strictly depictions of sex. There were no story lines whatsoever and no character development. The characters didn’t even have names. When I compare this story to “Throat”, I mean that it is unlike most of my stories which are strictly about sex, with no story line. I chose that movie because it is well known and I have seen it.


Dr. M: I was absolutely serious when I called your story "quaint", though, in that it does seek to recreate that era of early porn, and in that I really think you were wildly successful. The problem is, I think most of us (or maybe just me) have left those days behind, and we don’t look back with admiration. Women in those movies where no more than cunts with tits. That was good enough back then, but these days I think we expect more. We expect some character and some humanity, some conflict and some drama. We're no longer in an era where the sight of two girls going down on each other has the erotic impact it did in 1974. We're jaded and spoiled, and so this story struck me as quaint. A throwback.

BL: “Deep Throat” was mostly about oral sex. In the first scene, Linda’s roommate was being pleasured by a man, and then the two women threw a party where a group of men came over and sexually serviced them. Linda was somewhat disappointed and went to see a shrink who found that her clit was located inside her throat and taught her to deep throat. After that, as a sex therapist, she went about and was sexually pleasured by men, climaxing when she sucked them off. One of them wanted to marry her but she turned him down because his cock was too small. What I am saying is that the movie was NOT about sexual exploitation. I didn’t see any CHARACTER being exploited. Everybody had fun. If there was any exploitation in the MOVIE itself, it was of men by women.

Dr. M: You've already got a lot of good advice on what this story needs to make it feel more modern and relevant. Character is the biggest thing. Character is revealed a number of ways, but one of the most vivid is through conflict. All of us have conflicts we deal with every day, and we sympathize and identify with other people who share our struggles. Cindy Lou & Courtney are totally conflict-less, like the girls in the 70's porn flicks. That may be what you want, but it turns them into cunts with tits again. They’re not real, so we don’t care about them. If Cindy had some doubts about what she was doing, or who she was, or whether Courtney would reject her, or anything, that would go a long way toward making her come alive and make her someone we can believe in and care about.

BL: The only conflict here is that both women are against the idea of sharing an apartment, but afraid to make their wishes known. Cindy Lou then learns some things she didn’t know about Amanda. That is her new name, by the way. Amanda has developed the hots for Cindy Lou and in a conversation, they both realize they want the same thing. Later, they realize how much alike they really are and what a good thing it is to share the apartment. That’s the resolution of the conflict, that there isn’t any, and never should have been any. If there is a moral to the story, it is “Don’t be misled by false first impressions.”

Dr. M: If you want to keep her a cunt with tits, that your author's prerogative, but there's simply no way you're going to squeeze any additional heat out this story with the characters the way they are. You can describe the cunnilingus in terms as precise as microsurgery, but as long as these girls are cardboard cut-outs, it just won’t have any human warmth or erotic appeal, no more than a description of open heart surgery. It's like the beginning author's trick of trying to turn up the heat buy giving the girls bigger tits or the guys longer dicks. It just doesn't work. You can only go so far and then no further.

As for setting, Dr. Lust mentioned the fact that we get no feel for Cindy's coming to the Big Apple. There's no sense of big city excitement, no color, no sound. No concrete sensual detail. This was the big thing I learned in my best-ever writing class: concrete sensual detail. Let me be specific as to what I mean:

concrete: solid, definite. Something that's out there in the word; not a feeling or internal state.
sensual: it appeals to the senses. It's something we can see or hear or feel or smell, as opposed to things we think or feel inside.
detail: it's something minor, that little clue that sets a scene. The smoke in a nightclub, the candle light in a bedroom, the lipstick on her lips, the slant of light on an afternoon street.

CSD: They're what makes scenes live and breathe. They're what make life vivid.

Example: the bus station: the grit, the squealing of the air brakes, the smell of diesel fuel, the confusion of the crowds. She gets off the bus holding her skirt down against the city wind (I assume buses come in to the Port Authority below street level as they do in Chicago) She's bewildered by the crowds, the people with battered suitcases, the pimps and low-lifes (Port Authority bus station is filled with hustlers and low-lifes, men who are looking for young ingénues just like Cindy Lou to turn them into junkie whores.)

Right away we're in a different world. It's fast, glitzy and dangerous. We're not in Bama anymore. We get to share her perceptions. We're there with her.

BL: I have never been to NY but, as I wrote, I visualized the bus station in San Francisco. According to the Greyhound website, there are several terminals in NY. This was one of the smaller ones. I have added some sensual (I hope) details to the description of the terminal. Cindy Lou was wearing blue jeans on the bus and she is old enough to be aware of the dangers and to watch out for herself. Even so, she is glad to see the people waiting for her.

Dr. M: The family: They're wealthy, they must feel like they're in hell. Wealthy people don’t ride the bus. They don’t have anything to do with people who do ride the bus. They probably stand huddled together, pissed off and resentful at having to be there. Courtney's probably hugging herself to keep anyone from touching her. She's wearing sunglasses and has that big-city "don't touch me" look on her face. Fred and Wilma (I got the joke by the way, although these are very old-fashioned names which also feel wrong) are angry and impatient to get out of there. Courtney already dislikes Cindy for having been forced to come down to this hell-hole. Rather than a big happy family hug-fest, I think they'd grab her and hustle her out of there.

BL: They are well off but not really wealthy. They aren’t happy about having to go to the bus station but they feel a family obligation and accept it as something that has to be done. They are in a hurry to leave but they have to get Cindy Lou’s luggage before they can go. I described Fred and Wilma as being middle-aged. I thought of them as being in their fifties, and they are both a little old-fashioned.

Dr. M: Courtney already dislikes Cindy for having been forced to come down to this hell-hole. And see, we already know this without being told. We know this because we can see how pissed she is. By showing us how she stands, you're telling us how she feels. That's how stories work.

BL: Amanda does feel some resentment and she shows it by her aloofness, which is seen as being snooty. It was a cloudy winter day and she wasn’t wearing sunglasses in the terminal. She gets friendlier when she sees how sexy her cousin is.

Dr. M: So there: right away we have a sense of place, of atmosphere, mood, and a sense of the complex and nuanced relationship between these people. We have conflict, personality, depth of character, taste and flavor, and all done with a few lines about the concrete sensual detail Cindy experiences as she gets off the bus.

To me, this is a writer's stock in trade. If you don’t know what the Port Authority Bus Station is like, you dream it up, but you dream it up in such detail that you can see it and hear it and taste it. Then you tell us about it.

I could go on. The apartment—was it a luxury duplex or a cold-water flat? I know it was on the third floor, but that's all I know. How can I see what goes on in there if I don’t know where they are? Courtney living surrounded by rare antiques is not the same person as Courtney living with a mattress on the floor. Both are interesting. I want to know which one she is.

BL: I described it as being in a modern high-rise but I have now added some details as to its appearance.

Dr. M: Anyhow, that's enough.

I hope this helped somewhat. I hope at least you don't think I was picking on you. That's $50 worth of writing lessons right there.

---dr.M.

BL: Thanks. Yes, I think it did.
 
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I have incorporated many changes that were suggested and I will be posting the improved version tomorrow morning.

Okay, I changed my mind. I already posted it.
 
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Sorry I was too late, Box.

Real life was interferring on a major scale. Leaving me time enough to flit across the board but not enough to sit down for a quiet and concentrated read.
Not when you're supposed to write papers and stuff. :rolleyes:

Again, sorry.

:rose:
 
Hi Box,

How'd the story do relative to your expectations? I noticed it has one comment, a postive one. Surely you've gotten some private feedback too? Was the response better, worse, or about the same as chapter one? Any of it useful or something you'd care to share?

Penny
 
Penelope Street said:
Hi Box,

How'd the story do relative to your expectations? I noticed it has one comment, a postive one. Surely you've gotten some private feedback too? Was the response better, worse, or about the same as chapter one? Any of it useful or something you'd care to share?

Penny

Hi, Penny.
Neither one is doing as well as I would like. The first one stands at 4.47 with 38 votes and the second stands at 4.40 with 30 votes. The first may have been hurt by being listed when it was new as an E/V story because that is not a popular catregory. The second is rather disappointing because it has gotten relatively few views so far, for a lesbian story. There mightr be some kind of built-in negative sesponse to a lesbian story written by a man.

These aren't really chapters; they are stand-alone stories with some references to earlier stories. These are the emails I have gotten, all anon.:

This message contains feedback for: Boxlicker101
About the submission: Cindy Lou Moves to New York
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

Great story, a real turn on. Nice to have the woman swallowing for a change. I love giving blowjobs and I swallow and proud of it.
An appreciating woman

This message contains feedback for: Boxlicker101
About the submission: Cindy Lou Gets a Roommate
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

Very erotic, but in the next CHAPTER, COULD YOU PLEASE HAVE THESE TWO COUSINS
LICK EACH OTHER'S ASSHOLE (A LOT)
THANK YOU

This message contains feedback for: Boxlicker101
About the submission: Cindy Lou Gets a Roommate
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

Oh great, another fucking moron who doesn't understand the concept of chapter numbers.

It should not be the job of the reader to decipher the order of your stories, and, given the number of stories you've posted, it's a bigger task than usual. Omitting the chapter number and relying on the reader opening this chapter and only then finding out this is the continuation of an older story shows a lack of respect for the readers.

Since that is your attitude, I therefore have no choice but to rate this as a
one (1).

It it weren't for the troll who sent the last email, the story would have a rating of 4.51, giving it the coveted H

By the way, I don't expect to have these two women licking each other's assholes but somebody else might to that to Cindy Lou. She is quite fond of anal sex.
 
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Box,

I'm saddened to learn the results are not what you had hoped- especially after you put so much effort into it. <sigh> Saying what turns readers away is so difficult, especially since the vast majority neither vote nor comment.

There might be some kind of built-in negative response to a lesbian story written by a man.
I can sympathize a little. I felt like I was the victim of some gender prejudice this week too. Being talked down to by a man really pisses me off, and unless you're a woman I don't think you have any idea how often it happens. It's especially irritating when a man comes by afterwards and says essentially the same thing I did and gets a different response. Grrr!!! Ok. Vent over I guess.

Anyway, I don't have a problem with men writing about or as a woman. I adore neonlyte's lesbian story. Doesn't his sig have something from Mat in it about being an honorary lesbian? And what of Miss Colly's how-to piece? If she had a problem with men writing lesbian stories, why would she have written that essay? My intuition is that probably some prejudice exists, but that it's not a major reason the story didn't do as well as you had hoped.

Consider this story:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43107
This story made me cry and then squirm, all in within about ten minutes and over the course of one Lit page. Seriously, this is one of the few stories to stir me in a physical way. Yet I don't see any "H" (A crime that!) and it has only one PC- ok, it'll have two as soon as I'm done with this post. My point is, if voting and comments are the only criteria by which to judge a story, then Cindy's story is in the same league as Katherine's. No offense intented, but I think that's clearly not the case.

Pure and others offered the premise that innocent porn style of the seventies has become passe. Thusfar, my personal experience and the SDC discussions in general lend credence to that position. Readers, at least those that comment and vote, seem to want involved stories with the classic elements of fiction, like plot, setting, characters and conflict. The majority of readers may be seeking a different style of story than the one you prefer to write. I'm not saying it's wrong for any author to write what they want- to the contrary I think that's the best possible thing for any amateur author to do. What I am saying is maybe a 4.5ish rating (once that '1' vote gets purged) and thirty votes isn't such a negative response after all?

Gosh, I hope I made sense there without coming across as a condescending witch. After being talked down to myself so recently, that's the last thing I even want to appear to do to someone else.

Take Care,
Penny

P.S.
Anonymous feedback said:
Nice to have the woman swallowing for a change.
For a change? :rolleyes: Yeah, the women in Lit stories never swallow! LOL
 
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