Story Discussion Boxlicker101 3-6-2005 Main Queue

Boxlicker101

Licker of Boxes
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This is a story I posted last month in the "Exhibitionist & Voyeur" section. It is mainly stroke, like most of my stories but it has some differences. I put more work into it, did more editing and tried to make it more "literary", with an actual story line and a developed character. It is written in the third person and the central character is a woman, which is also unusual for me.

I hoped to make this the first of an ongoing series, with Cindy Lou having sexual adventures in New York, and I even solicited suggestions for future episodes. So far, I am disappointed at the lukewarm reaction I have gotten from readers. The story ranks lower than I expected and I have received no feedback, except for the PC that I posted, trying to get things started.

What I am looking for is advice on how to improve the story and I expect to ,ake changes and incorporate the advice in future episodes. One thing that concerns me is my descriptions of her reactions. I am not a woman so I have never experienced sex as a woman. Because it is a stroke story, I want to exaggerate things, but not too much. The story was posted as E & V because it seemed to fit better there than anywhere else. I also considered E/C or Interracial but it didn't seem to fit there as well.

Cindy Lou Moves to New York

“Darn,” Cindy Lou said to herself. “This bus is taking forever to get to New York.” She had known, of course, that the trip from Birmingham would be a long one but she feared flying too much to take an airplane and preferred the greater room and privacy the bus seats would provide. A train would have taken almost as long and would have been less comfortable because in the bus, she could snuggle into the cocoon of a seat and lose herself in her thoughts and memories.

Most of those thoughts and memories involved Bobby, her former husband of ten years, who had divorced her just a month ago. As befits a “good girl”, she had been a virgin when, at 18, she had married a man ten years older. Her virginity had come to an end on her wedding night, of course, and Bobby had been such an accomplished and considerate lover that it had ended in a series of explosions as Cindy Lou enjoyed four orgasms, each more satisfying than the one before. Even a “good girl” sometimes explores her clit with her fingers but the results of those explorations paled in comparison to what Bobby had done with his mouth and his cock.

In the darkened bus, she lay by herself on the back seat, covered with a blanket supplied by the bus company. As Cindy Lou remembered that first time with Bobby, she smiled, opened the waistband of her blue jeans and unzipped the fly to let her hand slip through the waistband of her nylon panties and fondle her clit, which had already become swollen with her desire. She had chosen to ride in the back seat of the bus so she would have more room to stretch out, either to sleep or for what she was just then starting to do. The somewhat greater swaying and bouncing in the back seat was an annoyance but one she was willing to endure.

Those four orgasms on her wedding night had been the first of many thousands she had shared with Bobby and, after the honeymoon, with other men because he was a swinger and expected his wife to join him. Reluctantly at first, Cindy Lou had gone along but after the first foursome, she was a willing, even eager companion. The second cock of her life had been just as nice as Bobby’s and had felt every bit as good in her mouth and her pussy. After that, she had lost count of the number of tongues and cocks that had pleasured her pussy, her mouth and even her ass.

Cindy Lou smiled even more and her fingers became even more active on her clit as she remembered the first cock in her ass. She remembered how, a little tipsy with wine, she had enjoyed a screaming, fist-pounding orgasm as one man rammed his cock all the way in and out of her formerly virginal ass while another man’s tongue laved her clit. After that, she was ready for anything and especially enjoyed being sandwiched between two men, their cocks pistoning into her ass and pussy with Cindy Lou cumming repeatedly. Once she had even sucked off a third man while getting those two holes pleasured.

After ten years, those days had come to an abrupt end. Bobby, seeing a golden opportunity, had demanded a divorce so that he could marry Charity, the spinster daughter of the richest man in the small Alabama town. She was having too much fun to want a divorce but Bobby’s offer of a big cash settlement and regular alimony, paid mostly by his father-in-law to be, changed her mind, especially because the alternative was a threat to tell everybody in town all about their lifestyle. Cindy Lou did not contest the quickie divorce. Members of her family, who had heard rumors about that lifestyle and wanted to avoid any possible embarrassment, insisted she leave town. They arranged a job in New York City in the office of a company owned by a distant relative. She would be doing work similar to what she had been doing in her home town and her salary, combined with her alimony income, was expected to be enough to allow her to live comfortably. She was to stay with the relative until she could make her own living arrangements.

Cindy Lou was agreeable to moving to New York and making a fresh start so she packed two large suitcases and a trunk. The suitcases would go on the bus with her and the trunk would be shipped after she had gotten settled. After a suitable sendoff, an uncle had driven her to the Birmingham bus station and she boarded the bus to New York, carrying a small bag with her makeup and a change of bra and panties.

Four hours later, while making a meal stop, Cindy Lou had covertly looked over the male passengers. They were all aware of her blonde good looks, even though, for comfort on the trip, she was wearing a bulky jacket and loose fitting jeans. At least three of them, she thought, would make very welcome sex partners. She briefly considered inviting one or more of them to join her on the back seat for that purpose but decided it would be better to wait until she reached New York. For over a month, during the divorce proceedings, her family had kept her away from men, meaning that neither her pussy, nor her ass nor her mouth had experienced a tongue or a cock and these pleasures had been sorely missed. In reversion to her days as a virgin, Cindy Lou had used her fingers but, even supported by one or two dildos, they had been a poor substitute for what men would have supplied. “When I get to New York,” she had quietly vowed to herself, “the first thing I am going to do is get good and thoroughly fucked.”

But that was still in the future and all she had just then was her hand and it was not even close to being enough, especially since her dildos were packed away and unavailable. If she had planned better, there would have been at least one of them in the makeup bag but that hadn’t happened. All the fingers on Cindy Lou’s right hand were churning on her clit by that time, and it felt good, but she knew she would not cum from it. Until then she had been lying back with her eyes closed, but they suddenly popped open and she became aware that a man, just across the aisle and only few feet away was staring at her. The blanket had slipped to the floor and, by the small light on the corner of the seat in front of her, he could see the wide open front of her blue jeans and her fingers moving frantically under her panties.

Before embarrassment could overcome Cindy Lou, the man spoke. “It seems a shame that a pretty girl like you should have to play with herself. I’d love to eat your pussy and we’d both have a lot more fun.”

Although taken by surprise, she quickly decided what she wanted to do. There weren’t very many other passengers on the bus and they all seemed to be asleep. The young man, who was one of the three possible partners she had thought about earlier, seemed pleasant enough and he was a southerner. Besides that, he was 100% right. Her fingers weren’t getting the job done and his mouth and, hopefully, his cock could. After hesitating no more than a few seconds, and without speaking, the horny young woman rose up slightly from her seat to pull her jeans down and around her ass. She pushed the pants down her legs and lifted her feet to remove them and her sneakers and leave them on the floor. She rose up again and her panties made the same journey and ended in the same heap. Naked below the waist except for her socks, Cindy Lou leaned back with her legs raised and spread, hoping the man would live up to his offer and even do a lot more.

Seconds later, the young southerner was kneeling on her pile of clothing with his face buried in Cindy Lou’s crotch while her legs rested on his shoulders. The first marvelous sensation she had was his tongue licking up the juices that had trickled from her pussy down her legs. The soft, sensitive skin of her upper thighs reveled in the feel of a man’s tongue after the long wait, and it got even better when he started licking her crotch. Back and forth and from side to side on her bare ass she rocked, with her head tossing from side to side on the back of the seat. Cindy Lou was moaning in pleasure and her hands were clenching and opening as the young man started slowly licking his way up one of her engorged pussy lips. Several times she had tried stroking herself there with fingertips dipped in olive oil but nothing felt as good as a real tongue slowly licking its way along that very sensitive place.

Both Cindy Lou and the young man were immensely enjoying themselves. In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten. The pretty blonde, who was so willing, had a really nice figure and the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips felt incredible on his tongue. Avidly but slowly he licked to the end of the inner lip and started sucking on her clit, which was so engorged it had crowded its way out from its protective hood. Even before his lips enveloped her clit, the woman had been thrashing around on the bus seat and her pussy was jamming into his face. Once he started sucking her sweetest of sweet spots, she was fucking against his mouth so hard that her ass was almost lifting off the seat and he was afraid that her moans of pleasure would wake the other passengers. He was more than willing to take that chance; the pussy he was eating was so amazing.

After a less than a minute of having her clit sucked, Cindy Lou started cumming. Her arms flailed against the seat and her legs squeezed the man’s head, holding his face against her crotch and swinging from side to side while his mouth remained on her clit and he continued sucking. His head was a captive anyhow and he couldn’t have gone anywhere. Cindy Lou enjoyed every second of her cumming until she climaxed, her first real orgasm in a month, bracing her arms on the seat, arching her back and jamming her pussy one last time into the face of the man whose mouth had given her such immense pleasure.

Her upper body relaxed and she breathed a relieved sigh but Cindy Lou hoped they weren’t through yet. Her thighs still imprisoned the man’s head, but he wasn’t trying very hard to escape. “That was wonderful,” she panted. “Can you do it some more?”

“U huh,” he answered, unable to speak clearly with his mouth pressed against her wet pussy.

Taking the young man’s answer as a “yes”, she loosened the grip of her thighs so her legs rested loosely on his shoulders again. She was correct in her interpretation; he made no effort to leave and started to lick the fresh juices from her thighs and crotch. Cindy Lou smiled happily and leaned back to enjoy what he was doing, hoping to cum again and even better this time.

After licking off all the nectar the young man’s tongue started caressing the incredibly hot woman’s other pussy lip. “That was fantastic,” he told himself. “I’ve never been this lucky before, not even close to it.” Although his head had been held tightly, he could have easily pulled out from between the woman’s legs if he had wanted to. “Who in his right mind,” he asked himself rhetorically, “would want to get out from between those great legs and take his face away from the hottest, wettest cunt in the world?” He knew he certainly wouldn’t and he continued eating the pussy of the blonde whose name he didn’t even know.

After her first orgasm, the engorgement of her pussy lips and clit had decreased but as her young sex partner continued licking, Cindy Lou could feel them becoming swollen again. The man so skillfully using his tongue could feel it too and he marveled again at his luck in running into this hot woman and her marvelous pussy. She was already producing more of the juices that had been so delicious and she was starting to fuck into his face. Once again he could hear her moaning with pleasure and he hoped she didn’t wake anybody else up. “She wants to cum again,” he thought, “And I damn sure want to help her. And once from my cock too, he hoped and expected.”

Cindy Lou wasn’t thinking about much except how great her pussy felt, and how it was feeling even better with every stroke of the man’s tongue. Her first orgasm had been the only real one in over a month, and the first time her pussy had been really pleasured since the last sex party with Bobby and four other couples. She hoped her second one would be even better and, judging from the waves of pleasure flowing from where the man’s mouth was moving, it would be.

Just then, after licking all the way to the end of her second pair of labia and stroking her clit hood, his tongue was burrowing under the inside edges of her inner lips, crossing back and forth over the pink hole that was gushing with fresh juices. Cindy Lou was aware that she was moaning from the immense pleasure and that her pussy was fucking into the man’s face but she was too close to ecstasy to care. The only thing that concerned her was that she was on the verge of cumming.

“She’s almost ready to cum,” the man thought as he licked up the latest trickle of delicious juices. “And I know how to really get her off.” After licking all around the entrance to her dripping vagina, his tongue started probing into the small area just below her clit. This indirect stimulation made fresh juices flow and caused Cindy Lou’s pussy to fuck even harder into the man’s face, while her ass rocked from side to side and back and forth even more strongly. He raised his mouth a fraction of an inch, drew her clit into his mouth and gently sucked on it while caressing her there with his tongue.

Cindy Lou felt her clit being enveloped by the man’s mouth. “Yes! Yes!” she whispered. “Suck me there!” The man didn’t really need the instruction but he was gratified to know that he was giving this hot woman so much pleasure. Knowing she would start cumming soon, he continued sucking and licking while bracing for the cataclysm that he was expecting.

This time, with her pussy ramming into the man’s face, it took slightly more than a minute of having her clit sucked for Cindy Lou to start cumming. “Oh! Oh!” she gasped, and her legs again squeezed his head. While holding him captive, her ass bounced up and down and from side to side and back and forth. Once again, the young man had no wish to escape; he was loving her cumming just as much as she was and his mouth firmly held her clit while his tongue continued its caresses.

As she had hoped, Cindy Lou’s second climax was even better than her first; her back arched even more and she rammed her pussy into her partner’s face even more strongly than before. This time, she relaxed her legs also and, after the man had licked up the fresh juices he had elicited from her pussy, he stood partly up, allowing her legs to drop from his shoulders to encircle his hips and ass.

“That was even more wonderful,” she whispered, her legs squeezing him and sending an unmistakable message. “But I still need something more.” She reached out her hands and unfastened the man’s belt and pants.

He needed the same thing and reached into his pocket, took out a condom and opened the foil packet before letting her pull his pants down to his knees. Cindy Lou was glad he was prepared. She had condoms in her jacket pocket and would have insisted he use one if he had not had his own but she was glad it would not be necessary. She wouldn’t have wanted the young man, who was still a stranger, to think she was such a slut that she carried contraceptives around in her pocket.

When his cock was ready, she slung her right foot up onto the bus seat. Holding to his pants to keep from tripping, the man mounted the seat on his knees and her left leg followed so he was kneeling between Cindy Lou’s legs, her pussy already wet and ready. With one hand on the back of her seat and the other holding to the back of the next seat, the young man leaned slowly forward. She reached out and held his cock, admiring the size and firmness, and guided the tip to her waiting pussy. Once the first penetration was made, he started slowly thrusting into the hole that desired his cock so much.

Cindy Lou sighed happily when she felt the hard, young cock burrow deeply into her pussy. She sighed again when she felt it withdraw and plunge back in even deeper the second time. With the third stroke, however, there was something wrong. He had lowered himself to lie on top of her, and his weight was pinning her down, keeping her from moving and preventing her from getting the maximum pleasure. The fourth surge of his cock into her pussy felt good too, but it could have been much better.

She had never been any kind of a women’s liberationist but Cindy Lou had no trouble at all speaking her mind about something as important to her as good fucking. She also knew that flattery, combined with instruction, worked better than instructions alone. Hugging him around his shoulders, she murmured into his ear “Oooo, your big cock feels so good. I really love it.” and, a second later, “But I know how it can be even better for both of us.”

“How?”

“Curl your arms under mine so your weight is all on your knees and forearms. I’ll be able to move under you and you can stick your wonderful big, hot cock into me even better.”

The young man had a certain amount of masculine pride but he was no fool. He was well aware that he had lucked into a meeting with one of the hottest and most sexually skilled women in the world and he had no problem ignoring that pride and listening to her. There were no qualms whatsoever about taking her suggestion.

They were both immediately glad he had. Freed of the weight that had been pressing her against the bus seat, Cindy Lou began moving under the man, fucking back to meet his thrusts into her pussy. Besides meeting his strokes, she rocked from side to side on her ass and swiveled her hips so every time his cock plowed into her, it entered slightly differently, multiplying the pleasure for both of them. Besides the movements of her body, Cindy Lou kept her arms around the man’s shoulders, whispering into his ear the most graphic words about what a great cock he had and what a terrific job he was doing of fucking her. The flattery worked and he concentrated on giving her as much pleasure as he could, thereby getting more himself.

Earlier, the swaying and the extra bouncing of the back seat of the bus had been annoying but now it was increasing the pleasure they were feeling. With every abrupt bounce, his cock drove deeper into Cindy Lou’s pussy. When the bus swayed and yawed, it was even better than the way her hips were swiveling, and they were both pleasured even more. Her words of encouragement and flattery were punctuated by completely sincere moans and whimpers.

Her body was writhing under him and she could feel herself getting close to cumming so Cindy Lou whispered into the man’s ear “Your cock feels so great and you’re so hot you’re gonna make me cum again. I really love the way you fuck me but slide up a little farther on me so I’ll get all of your big cock on my clit, and fuck me faster.”

He could feel his own climax approaching and he did what she said. As his cock surged faster into her, Cindy Lou matched his pace and the movements of her hips and legs became even more frantic. Although her upper body thrashed on the bus seat under him, she kept her arms around his shoulders and her lips at his ear. The faster pace and his cock massaging her clit were driving her closer to cumming and the speed and her clit scraping on his cock were doing the same for him.

“Yes! Yes! I’m cumming!” She whispered hoarsely into his ear. Gripping him even more tightly with her legs and her arms, she plastered herself against the man and the jolt of her ass against the seat every time he rammed his cock into her drove her to new heights of ecstasy. Although she had cum twice already, she knew that this time would be the best of all.

The man was glad that Cindy Lou was cumming because he couldn’t hold back any more. His climax would be, he knew, the best one too, but it would be the best of his life, and the sex that he was experiencing was the best he had ever had, or had ever heard of anybody ever having. The muscles in his ass bunched, he groaned from ecstasy, jammed his cock in as deeply as he could and ejaculated into his condom. A few seconds later, she gripped him tighter than ever, dug her fingernails into his shoulders which were, fortunately, covered by a heavy jacket, and climaxed. Totally happy and satisfied, she sagged back on the seat and he sprawled on top of her.

For a few minutes they lay together quietly until Cindy Lou whispered into his ear “You were just wonderful. That was the best I’ve ever had.” There was some truth to that; the sex that she had just enjoyed with the young southern man was certainly the most welcome of her life, and had given her pleasure and relief comparable to any or her many encounters.

He never expected to have anything as good again and was already feeling slightly downcast when the feel of the bus turning onto an off ramp reminded him that he was getting off at the next stop and would have to quickly get dressed and collect his things. “Ma’am, this is my stop and I’ll have to go back to my seat and get ready to get off.”

After discarding the used condom under a nearby seat, pulling his underwear and pants back on and straightening out his other clothing, he started to leave. First, though, he remembered his manners and turned and said to the sexy woman whose name he still didn’t know, “Thank you, ma’am. I really liked being with you. Have a nice trip, the rest of the way.”

“You’re welcome, and thank you, too. I really had a good time myself.” The man left and Cindy Lou, relaxed and happy from her three great orgasms, decided to try to get some sleep.

She was just dozing off when she felt a hand squeezing her knee. The interior lights had been turned on and when she looked up, she saw a man in a bus driver’s uniform. She recognized him as the driver of the bus she was on. When boarding in Birmingham, she had noticed he was a tall, young African American but had thought nothing of that. Now she wondered what he wanted and why he had disturbed her.

“I saw what you were doing back here and I heard it too. That’s against the law, you know, in public like that. I’ve got a good mind to call the cops and turn your ass in.”

“Oh, please don’t do that. I wasn’t hurting anybody.”

“I’m going off shift here and we have about a half hour before anybody else gets on. You and I are the only people on the bus right now. If you want to stay out of trouble, you better give me a blow job right now.” As he spoke, he was unzipping his pants and reaching inside to bring out his cock.

Cindy Lou was worried. She didn’t want to get into any trouble and really didn’t want to be suddenly stuck in the middle of a strange town in the middle of the night. In all the sex parties she had attended, there had never been any Black persons but sometimes there had been pornographic videotapes and some of the actors had been White and some had been Black. The only difference she had seen between them was that the Black guys usually had bigger cocks and she had sometimes wondered about what it would be like to feel one of those bigger cocks somewhere inside her. She decided she was going to find out.

“Okay,” she said, sitting up and smiling.

The bus driver stepped closer. She remained sitting and reached into his fly and his shorts and pulled out his cock. It was semi-erect but stiffened in her hands and become rigid after she leaned forward and took it into her mouth. As Cindy Lou moved her head back and forth, stroking the hard cock with her lips, it felt like any of the hundreds that had been there before, bigger than most and smaller than some. It tasted the same too, but it smelled different, better somehow, and she realized why. Most of the men of her experience had been freshly showered before having sex with her but this man had been driving for at least eight hours since his last shower. He was sweaty, with a pungent aroma that she knew would have been extremely arousing to her if she hadn’t just been so sexually satisfied. Even though she had no real desire to fuck, though, she wanted to suck the man off and she wanted him to enjoy it too.

Cindy Lou took the bus driver’s cock out of her mouth, licked off her saliva and asked, “Is it okay if I pull your pants down? I really like the way you smell.” Hearing no objection from the rather surprised man, she pulled his pants down and carefully worked his underwear around his stiff cock. When his clothing was down by his knees, she leaned forward again, breathed deeply of his aroma and enthusiastically resumed sucking him off. She wondered what his semen would taste like but didn’t worry because she knew she would find out soon.

Slowly at first, and then using faster strokes, she sucked the big, black cock in and out, caressing it with her tongue and thoroughly enjoying the way it felt in her mouth. Just as every other time she had sucked a man off, Cindy Lou loved the feel of the firm roundness sliding between her lips and the blunt head pressing against the back of her throat. She loved the feel of the smooth, tightly-stretched skin and the way his pubic hair tickled her nose. As she moved her face back and forth, she murmured happily, almost purring and the more she sucked his cock, the better it felt to her. Even though there was a deadline, she hoped he wouldn’t cum too soon.

The bus driver was very pleasantly surprised that the pretty young blonde was sucking him off with so much skill and that she seemed to be enjoying it so much. What she was doing with her lips and tongue felt so good that he had to hold onto the seats on either side of the aisle for support. Intense pleasure radiated out from his cock, possibly the most he had ever experienced. The blowjob was a visual delight too, as he looked down and saw the blonde head moving back and forth as his cock plunged in and out of her mouth. Reflexively, he started stroking his cock forward to meet the movements of her head.

Cindy Lou would have preferred that he be more passive while being sucked off but she was used to men thrusting their cocks into her mouth and had no problem dealing with it. She was still in control and set the pace as she caressed his cock with all parts of her mouth.

After ten minutes of the most fun he could remember, the man told her, “Lady, I’m going to cum.”

A little disappointed that it would end so soon, but looking forward to a nice mouthful of his semen, Cindy Lou tightened her lips and started sucking faster. After another minute, she felt his cock throbbing and jerking in her mouth and positioned her tongue to catch his cum when it squirted out. The first big gob landed right where it was wanted and she relished the somewhat exotic flavor. It tasted just as good as she had expected and she swallowed it in time to catch the second spurt. While she was enjoying that one, the third gob landed on her tongue, but after that, it was just a few drops oozing out. Cindy Lou swallowed the delicious treat and pulled her head almost all the way back so she could enjoy the rest of the man’s viscous juices. Starting at the base, she brought her thumb forward along the bottom of the still-erect cock, milking out all the remaining semen. It bubbled out onto her tongue and she swallowed it and took the cock all the way out of her mouth and licked everything off from the head and under the ridge.

When she was done, Cindy Lou smiled up at the man and complimented him. “That was really fun. You have a nice cock and I loved the taste of your juices.”

He pulled his clothing back on and patted his cock once his pants were zipped up. “Lady, that was the best blowjob I ever had. You can ride on my bus any time you want to and do anything you want to.” After that, he turned and left.

The pleasure she had gotten from sucking off the bus driver, added to the three marvelous orgasms from the first man had completely relaxed Cindy Lou and she knew she would be able to sleep. With a contented smile, she drifted off to sweet dreams of the many cocks and tongues that awaited her in New York.
 
What I am looking for is advice on how to improve the story and I expect to make changes and incorporate the advice in future episodes.

One thing that concerns me is my descriptions of her reactions. I am not a woman so I have never experienced sex as a woman. Because it is a stroke story, I want to exaggerate things, but not too much.

The story was posted as E & V because it seemed to fit better there than anywhere else. I also considered E/C or Interracial but it didn't seem to fit there as well.
Box,

IMHO, here are some possible reasons the story hasn't scored any better.

1 The first thousand words are all backstory. And while it's not uninteresting, that's a lot. It also means there are over a thousand words before a sex scene. For a "stroke" story, that's an eternity.

2. There is no description of Cindy Lou other than her being attractive and having long legs. That can make it tough for some readers to identify with her.

3. The story is in Exhibitionist & Voyeur, but there is only one sentence relating to that in the first 4000 words.
The blanket had slipped to the floor and, by the small light on the corner of the seat in front of her, he could see the wide open front of her blue jeans and her fingers moving frantically under her panties.
There might have been more appeal for readers of that category if she had known the man was watching. Maybe she could have become aroused earlier while looking out the bus window into a convertable with the top down and watching a woman give the male driver a blow-job. Some of her memories might have included swing parties with her ex during which she got turned on knowing others were watching her perform, etc. etc. etc..

After that one sentence, it's another 3000 before the bus driver says:
“I saw what you were doing back here and I heard it too. That’s against the law, you know, in public like that.

IMHO, the dialogue is a little stilted. There is also no mention of her emotions except that she's "worried" and doesn't want to get in trouble. Does she feel threatened, frightened, or aroused? What sort of expression is there on the driver's face?

In the midst of the sex scenes, you switch POV's to that of the guy. That's not an absolute no-no, but it can break the mood for some readers. During the sex scenes, especially the blowjob, comments about her past experiences kept coming up. That too, runs the risk of breaking the mood.

IMHO, some of your passages are wordy and put a distance between the reader and the action. The sentences and paragraphs are also on the long side. That's a matter of author's taste, of course. But today's readers, especially those reading on a computer screen, usually prefer shorter sentences and paragrapshs.

The following sentence is 48 words long.
Cindy Lou enjoyed every second of her cumming until she climaxed, her first real orgasm in a month, bracing her arms on the seat, arching her back and jamming her pussy one last time into the face of the man whose mouth had given her such immense pleasure.[/qutoe]

There are probably a million ways to do that differently. Here's one example. It isn't necessarily better, but is shorter with shorter sentences. It was her first real orgasm in months, and so incredible. She braced her arms on the seat, arched her back and jammed her pussy one last time against the mouth that had given her such immense pleasure.(38 words)

As I said, all of this, most especially the last part, is strictly IMHO-type stuff. Use it, abuse it, lose it; that's up to you, the writer. I just hope one or two things helped.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
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RESPONSE TO A POSTING BY RUMPLEFORESKIN:

Thanks for the suggestions, Rumps. I had some qualms about the category too but, since the sex was in a public place, I felt that E & V was the best place for it. I might change it to something else, probably E/C.

There are actually 1,156 words before the first man offers to eat her pussy. That is a lot but I thought it necessary to describe why Cindy Lou was on the bus going to New York. I had hoped the interest of readers would be whetted by the references to her past sexual activities and by the fact that she is masturbating. I might expand her memories of her first anal experience into a complete sex scene, but this would mean adding 800 or so more words. Maybe some others might present an opinion on that.

I will add more description of her, especially at the meal stop where she is evaluating the male passengers. (Okay. I have already done this in the version I am editing.)

Cindy Lou is not really an exhibitionist and she would have been embarrassed, not turned on by knowing the man was watching her masturbate, or by knowing the bus driver had seen and heard them. She takes pride in her looks and is not the least bit modest about being naked and enjoying sex in a group of other naked people enjoying sex. However, she would not like the idea of people surreptitiously watching her. She is also not a voyeur although she can admire handsome men.

There isn’t much dialogue and the three persons in the story are strangers to each other. They have never seen each other before that bus trip and will probably never run across each other again. However, I will see what changes I think are needed.

I have now made Cindy Lou more than just worried.

I don’t usually write in the third person but when I do, I like being able to switch POV among the characters. Perhaps I am overdoing this during the sex scenes. I will look this over and probably make changes.

When I am writing, I like to mix long and short sentences. I feel this gives a better flow to a story. The sentence you mention might be overdoing it a bit, though. I will see about breaking it in two, and maybe doing the same with some others and some of the paragraphs.
 
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Box,

It's always a matter of feel and the writer's judgment. Other than point out mechanical errors, about all a critique can do is suggest other possible ways to do, essentially, the same thing.

That said, if you want to keep the backstory, I strongly encourage you to consider some rearranging. It's usually best to began with a strong hook, if possible in the first line, such as Toni Morrison's famous, "They shoot the white girl first."

The old writing wisdom is your first sentence should be your best, your first paragraph your best, your first page your best, etc.. IMHO, what you have now, isn't.

One thing you might want to think about doing is to open with the first sex scene. Then let her relax in the afterglow and reflect on why she's on a bus plus her past life and sexual experiences. Then she could drift off to sleep and have the driver wake her for scene two.

Just a thought.

Rumple
 
Boxlicker –

I will follow my usual MO in commenting as I read, so that you can see one reader’s reactions to the story as it unfolds. I will sum up with some comments at the end. I’m keeping in mind your goals – stroke with a slight elevation.

Shanglan

Sexual statistics are a pet peeve of mine. If they don’t bother you and they don’t bother your audience, then of course tell me to go jump in a lake. But the careful counting – and double mention – of her nuptial orgasms from ten years ago was distracting to me. I supposed it seemed to me that she would be more likely to recall sensation and emotion than an exact count. But then, I’m a very inexact horse, so I wholly acknowledge that this may be a personal peccadillo.

I quite love the image of her there in the back of the bus enjoying her body. I’m a little surprised to find her masturbating to the image of a man who’s just divorced her, though. The effect on me is that I wonder if this scene wholly makes sense from an emotional point of view, or I wonder if I’m meant to perceive her as someone who no longer perceives sex as closely tied to emotion. That would certainly fit with the swinger background of the character, but I find it hard to imagine even someone who had thoroughly separated sex and emotion daydreaming of someone who’d just divorced here. But again – quite possibly an entirely personal issue.

“a screaming, fist-pounding orgasm” – I like that phrase ;) Certainly the descriptions of the group sex that occur in that paragraph are nicely powerful without being wordy. (I recognize concision when I see it; I just don’t possess it.)

Hmmm. Having read further, I suppose I see where you’re going with her quickie divorce – i.e., she’s not utterly devastated by it and is left comfortably supported – but what comes through is a character I’m having trouble connecting with. She seems interested only in sex and money; I recognize that that is quite possible, but it’s hard to see depth in her. I suppose I wanted to see more feeling about her sudden transplantation from small town Alabama to New York City than “I’m going to go get fucked.” I’m fine with her having a wild and exciting sex life, but I’m not getting a great deal else out of her.

(A bit further on ...) I’m getting a nagging vibe at the second mention of the “three possible partners.” I’m starting to worry that this will turn into “let’s try all permutations of those three guys, mentioned specifically so that I could involve each of them.” I suppose it fits the character as you might intend her, but again – it’s hard for me to connect with a character who looks at a bus full of people and sees only three sex partners with no distinguishing characteristics to them.

In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten. The pretty blonde, who was so willing, had a really nice figure and the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips felt incredible on his tongue.

This, for me, could use less “tell” and more “show.” What was great about it? What did it taste and feel like? Were there sounds, motions, and sensations that made this event exciting?

I felt like dialog could do a bit more to develop character voice. The feelings and ideas seem fair enough, but ideally I would like to see more individual style and personality in the way in which they are expressed. Some of it, too, is more tell that could be show – for instance:

“She’s almost ready to cum,” the man thought as he licked up the latest trickle of delicious juices. “And I know how to really get her off.”

I’m wondering if many people really think this to themselves in so many words, or if they just act in a more physical and instinctive response. I tend to think the latter, and to think that actions and internal voicing capture this better than direct statements.

I’m enjoying the daring humor / exaggeration (as you mentioned) of the back-of-the-bus shag. I do like the unashamed revelry in wild sexual abandon. I enjoy your attention to the motion of the bus and its impact on the sensations of your leads.

Good visceral detail on scent and response in the scene with the bus driver. I like the earthy detail there. I’m still having trouble connecting with Cindy Lou on any deeper level, but I’m getting her enjoyment of the sex in a pleasantly enthusiastic way.

(Did it absolutely have to be “the big, black cock”? Aside from how one feels about the stereotype, it’s very worn phrase.)

At the end, I’m relieved not to have had her run the gamut of all three “potential sex partners,” but back to the careful enumeration of orgasms.


So, to sum up ...

Content: I like the wild, joyously enthusiastic approach to sex, and despite what my comments above may seem to suggest, I don’t think it’s necessary to cut any of it. It’s the heart of the story and more power to you if that’s what you enjoy. I would, however, suggest adding some elements, specifically some character development to Cindy. I know that sex is the main point of the story and that that is fine, but surely she has some interests, feelings, and experiences in her life other than sex?

Style: Less tell and more show, I think. It’s better to see or feel the sensations than to be told “it was an amazing blowjob.” Dialogue could use some work to develop a stronger sense of character and individual voice. Do keep some sense of unabashed and proudly exaggerated stroke; I think it’s part of the piece’s charm, and it gives it a good, honest feel.

Hope that’s of some use –

Shanglan
 
Addendum:

I posted before reading Rumple's comments (deliberately - wanted to see how I felt about the story on my own). I think he's right about dialogue, but the backstory didn't bother me. I agree that stroke on the whole aims to get right to the "business," but I also think that a sex scene totally out of context or setting is hard to get involved in. Then again, my last was over 21,000 words to the first and only sex scene, so what do I know?

Shanglan
 
Hi Box,

Looking at a key early passage:

Until then she had been lying back with her eyes closed, but they suddenly popped open and she became aware that a man, just across the aisle and only few feet away was staring at her. The blanket had slipped to the floor and, by the small light on the corner of the seat in front of her, he could see the wide open front of her blue jeans and her fingers moving frantically under her panties.

Before embarrassment could overcome Cindy Lou, the man spoke. “It seems a shame that a pretty girl like you should have to play with herself. I’d love to eat your pussy and we’d both have a lot more fun.”

----

Comment: This is your classic, pizza boy rings doorbell, and she's half clad, beautiful swelling breast under the filmy night gown, "Here you're pizza ma'am, that will be $10.00. I'd love to fuck you." "Why sure."

Although taken by surprise, she quickly decided what she wanted to do. There weren’t very many other passengers on the bus and they all seemed to be asleep. The young man, who was one of the three possible partners she had thought about earlier, seemed pleasant enough and he was a southerner. Besides that, he was 100% right. Her fingers weren’t getting the job done and his mouth and, hopefully, his cock could.

Comment: Very wordy. Consider this abridgement, as an example:
Though surprised, she showed 'yes' by opening her legs slightly. She'd noticed him earlier and taken him for a fellow Southerner. His mouth, she thought, would do the job where her fingers weren't succeeding. And there was his cock...


After hesitating no more than a few seconds, and without speaking, the horny young woman rose up slightly from her seat to pull her jeans down and around her ass. She pushed the pants down her legs and lifted her feet to remove them and her sneakers and leave them on the floor. She rose up again and her panties made the same journey and ended in the same heap. Naked below the waist except for her socks, Cindy Lou leaned back with her legs raised and spread, hoping the man would live up to his offer and even do a lot more.

I realize that delay can titillate, as in undressing but, the effect is not achieved here: Consider.

Hesitating for only a few second, she lift up her hips and pulled her jeans and panties down. Entirely naked below the waist, she raised her legs. She figure the sight of her pussy would inspire the man give her the best tongue she'd ever had. Then fuck her silly.



Seconds later, the young southerner was kneeling on her pile of clothing with his face buried in Cindy Lou’s crotch while her legs rested on his shoulders. The first //marvelous sensation// she had was his tongue licking up the juices that had trickled from her pussy down her legs. The soft, sensitive skin of her upper thighs reveled in the feel of a man’s tongue after the long wait, and it got even better when he started licking her crotch. Back and forth and from side to side on her bare ass she rocked, with her head tossing from side to side on the back of the seat. Cindy Lou was moaning in pleasure and her hands were clenching and opening as the young man started slowly licking his way up one of her engorged pussy lips. Several times she had tried stroking herself there with fingertips dipped in olive oil but nothing felt as good as a real tongue slowly licking its way along that very sensitive place.


The bolded parts would be adequate. "marvelous sensation" should be demonstrated, not labelled.


Both Cindy Lou and the young man were immensely enjoying themselves.

Show it, don't say it.


In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten. The pretty blonde, who was so willing, had a really nice figure and the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips //felt incredible// on his tongue.

I'm not entirely comfortable with changed pov, since there is no foundation. e.g., a look from him, and his thoughts of fucking her. "Felt incredible" sounds pretty prosaic.


Avidly but slowly he licked to the end of the inner lip and started sucking on her clit, which was so engorged it had crowded its way out from its protective hood. Even before his lips enveloped her clit, the woman had been thrashing around on the bus seat and her pussy was jamming into his face. Once he started sucking her sweetest of sweet spots, she was fucking against his mouth so hard that her ass was almost lifting off the seat and he was afraid that her moans of pleasure would wake the other passengers. He was more than willing to take that chance; //the pussy he was eating was so amazing.//

Not bad, but the 'amazing pussy' should be evident (without that phrase).

After a less than a minute of having her clit sucked, Cindy Lou started cumming.

This kind of passage is in fact, not easy to write well. It easily becomes a standard list of details. To bring it off, some surprises are needed, little 'flies in the ointment', as all of us have noticed. The problem, not peculiar to you, is that, perhaps 40 years ago, the mere detail would be shocking, as earlier in Lady Chatterly's Lover. Now, that can't be relied on, even getting down to which pussy lip, etc.

Incidentally, the man's view is more compatible with the voyeur thing. So if the story were to be recast, it would have to start in the man's view and make it more inferential as to back story. Perhaps even have 3 mins of conversation before oral sex.

[pure's re-write, man's pov; getting to the point in hurry]
He saw the slender blonde board the bush carrying a large suitcase. 'Definitely bound for NY," he thought.
The subtle sensuality of her walk, her apparent consciousness of how she moved her hips made his think she was well experienced. But the dress definitley said 'small town.' Likely she gotten well fucked by the well hung mill worker who'd grown up next door to her. Yet she lacked a bounce in her step. He saw now expectant optimism on her face. I wonder if she's just broken up, or gotten a divorce. He'd have to find out: "Going far?" She taken a seat just a row behind his, at the opposite side of the aisle. "New York City." Her words were said like a southerner, and her eyes seemed to welcome his conversation. Though she turned her eyes to her magazine, he had the feeling she remained aware of his presence. He became immersed in his own thought till he heard the slightest of moans. She probably thought the magazine hid the sight of her fingers plunging into the front of her pants. They did, in part, but her hips confirmed what was going on. When she realized his gaze, he thought she'd try to cover up. Her look, though, became more intense; she let him see her desire and he found himself llicking his lips. He hardened immediately when he saw her tongue doing the same thing. Seeing his surprise, she did it again, and motioned with her head.
A neon sign saying 'Come and get it' was not necessary and this point.
As he came over to her, he dropped to his knees and she pulled off the jeans and panties, treating his nose to the aroma of her full arousal.
----

Condensing and pacing; avoiding a, then b, then c. suprising the reader; these are what to work on. Basic writing skills are quite adequate.
 
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Hi BL,
Nice premise, but does it really belong in "Exhibition/Voyer"? Perhaps if you described the young southern man watrching her. That way you could also describe her better.

I too have the same problem as never having had sex as a woman, I think a sex-change would be over compensating, however.

Describing the young man or the bus driver is not necessary, they are just means to an end for Her sexual satisfaction. More attention paid to her looks, feelings, IMHO would make the story better. For example, specifically, what did she feel as the young man pleased different parts of her? IMHO she needs to be larger than life so that her partners are mere shadows, just there for her.

Hope these suggestions helped BL, stay hard and keep writing.
msboy8
 
Cindy Lou? The first thing I thought of was the cute little girl from The Grinch that Stole Christmas. A cartoon toddler is probably not the image one wants to conjure for a stroke story.

I usually don't care for stroke stories anyway and this was no exception. I need to know the characters, and like at least one of them, before I care what happens to them or what they do. I didn't have so much trouble believing Cindy as a woman as I did believing her as a person. In spite of the thousand words spent on development, I didn’t feel I really knew Cindy. I believe first person might have been a better choice for this story.

Cindy's past is somewhat interesting, more interesting than the sex to me- but it's presented in a dry fashion. Also, it's a history that left me with some questions I wanted answered, such as: What kind of family keeps a woman away from all men during the month before to her divorce, then insists she leaves town? And how did they accomplish this? This seems like a really bizarre, or even dysfunctional, family. I want to know more about them.

Alternately, Cindy could have told the man her story, telling us as she does so. As night falls and the bus empties a bit, the conversation turns to her swinging days, or some other lively topic, etc.

A few of the sensations she experiences are also beyond what I've experienced, such as feeling her clit and pussy lips swelling. Sometimes I feel a warmth or a tingling, maybe even an itching, but never swelling. Ok, maybe that's just me or maybe it's part of the aforementioned exaggeration, but the bit about his cock rubbing her clit while he fucks her? Unless I'm misreading something, she has to have a mutant clit before that's gonna happen.

Since I'm not part of the target audience, I hope it will not be any great disappointment that I found the story more amusing than arousing. The biggest chuckle I got was when, between the cunnilingus and the coitus, Cindy is thankful she doesn't have to dig into her purse for condoms lest her lover think she's a slut. The man who demands, and receives, a blowjob addressing her as "lady" was also amusing.

Of course, I'm not part of your target audience; I might read the best stroke story ever and still roll my eyes most the way through it. Planning a series and writing the first story is no easy task. It's even more daring to do so with a member of the opposite sex as the central character. Even so, my suggestion would be to have more confidence, more daring; show me how she feels, why she likes having sex with strangers, what the bus driver's cum tastes like, etc. Really go for it, if you know what I mean. I don't see anything in the underlying writing skills to think such confidence and daring to be unjustified.

Take Care,
Penny
 
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Hi Boxlicker

Better declare straight off that I'm not a great fan of 'stroke' stories, I prefer some meat on the bones of my characters, best you feel free to ignore my thoughts. I've not looked at the other critiques, I would imagine others will look at specific phrases and terminology.

Dealing with the questions you raise in your preamble.

This is not IMO an E&V story and that may be why you are receiving lower than expected votes and little to no readership feedback.

As a 'stroke' story, there is more than enough to titilate, it all comes down to how you like your meal served. For me, this one is plain, l'd prefer a little more spice and a lot more gravy.

As a reader (of one of Boxlicker's stories), I'm looking for the action from the outset, and whilst there is mention of Cindy Lou's past exploits in the first dozen or so para's there is insufficient detail to make me want to reach for my zip, in fact, it almost becomes annoying, it is frustrating because there are enough good ideas in the story to make it very hot. For me the problem lies in the way you've tried to tell it.

You need to make up your mind on catagory and write for that audience. Let's look at at as an E&V story.

Dump the background. It's superfluous to the needs of the reader in a 'stroke' E&V setting. I'd talk about her slowly walking down the aisle of the bus, taking stock of who's on for the ride. I'd talk about her clothing and her hair, deliberately chosen and arranged to attract stares. I'd talk about her mentally selecting candidates, catagorising them, thinking what she'd like to do with them. I'd talk about her displaying herself so the driver gets a view in his rear mirror. She shouldn't be wearing jeans, she's riding for the ride, a simple slip over dress is easier to slide up her hips, exposes her legs, panties optional.

I'd talk about her excitement of fooling around in a public place, her desire to perform for an audience, even 1 person is an audience, you can make them sound like a crowd.

What Cindy Lou is thinking is important, you say you're having trouble getting the female thinking 'correct'. I'd say, for this story, keep asking yourself "Why would she do that?" and I don't mean give background, but give motivation, and pointers to hook readers into future chapters. For example, what has made Cindy Lou an exhibitionist - 'Cindy Lou got her kicks from displaying herself to potential sexual partners, a trait developed by her former husband's insistence upon swinging.' One short sentence, covers her background, motivation and establishes she's a divorcee, gives you lee way to introduce other stories about Cindy Lou in future episodes; but most importantly, it establishes her mind set for the role she's about to play on the bus, she's centre stage, ready to perform and is just waiting for the audience to turn up.

An exhibitionist needs an audience, her prime target is the stud driving the bus, afterall he's the only one who can watch her preliminaries and warm up bouts. She needs to be checking all the time that the driver is watching, she needs to be excited by seeing his eyes in the rear view mirror and when he finally makes his move she needs to be on the edge of exploding mentally and physically because she's done her show and here comes the finale, the object of the entire display, a rousting bout across the back seat when she'd finally get her hot red lips round that glistening black cock.

All the scenes are in your story, my advice is to dump the irrelevant, kick in the motivation, then write the sex around the desire to be watched, the desire to experiment with multiple partners, and the desire to entice 'the target - the driver' until nothing is going to stop him from 'punching her ticket'.

To write this story as an EC you need to find a story device to explain why all of this action is taking place on a bus. The divorce arrangements can serve, but from the outset you need Cindy Lou getting on the bus desperate to fuck anything after a months lay-off with only her fingers and dildo's for company, the desperation has to outway the public nature of the setting. She'd be trying not to be too obvious or exposed, trying to shield her activiities from the driver and genuinely shocked when he approaches her and demands his slice of the pie.

Either way it leads to a rip rollocking climax powerful enough to want to read more of Cindy Lou's exploits in New York.

Just my thoughts on how I think a reader would want to see the story played out from the catagory perspectives, please disregard or use as you feel appropriate.

neonlyte

EDIT: I've just read your reply to Rumples crit and I'm a little curious as to why you ever considered placing this story as E&V when you consider your character to be neither an exhibitionist or a voyeur? I'm left feeling you've written the wrong story for the wrong catagory, just my opinion.
 
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{{edited, i.e., formated by pure, for clarity}}
Black Shanglan said, Boxlicker –

I will follow my usual MO in commenting as I read, so that you can see one reader’s reactions to the story as it unfolds. I will sum up with some comments at the end. I’m keeping in mind your goals – stroke with a slight elevation.

[...]

Sexual statistics are a pet peeve of mine. If they don’t bother you and they don’t bother your audience, then of course tell me to go jump in a lake. But the careful counting – and double mention – of her nuptial orgasms from ten years ago was distracting to me. I supposed it seemed to me that she would be more likely to recall sensation and emotion than an exact count. But then, I’m a very inexact horse, so I wholly acknowledge that this may be a personal peccadillo.

I quite love the image of her there in the back of the bus enjoying her body. I’m a little surprised to find her masturbating to the image of a man who’s just divorced her, though. The effect on me is that I wonder if this scene wholly makes sense from an emotional point of view, or I wonder if I’m meant to perceive her as someone who no longer perceives sex as closely tied to emotion. That would certainly fit with the swinger background of the character, but I find it hard to imagine even someone who had thoroughly separated sex and emotion daydreaming of someone who’d just divorced here. But again – quite possibly an entirely personal issue.


Boxlicker: Hi, Horsie. Thanks for your interest.

I also don’t much take to sexual statistics but her wedding night was a watershed event in the life of Cindy Lou because she went from virginal to sexually active and learned just how great sex with her husband was. She will always remember the events of that night, including how she had four orgasms, all much more satisfying than what she had done for herself. Another watershed event was the first time she went swinging with her husband and she learned how great sex with anybody was. Another memorable event was the first time she got fucked in the ass. Other sex parties would tend to blur together and, as I said, she quickly lost count of orgasms, etal but she would never forget those four great orgasms on her wedding night.


BS quoting BL //“a screaming, fist-pounding orgasm” //– BS: I like that phrase Certainly the descriptions of the group sex that occur in that paragraph are nicely powerful without being wordy. (I recognize concision when I see it; I just don’t possess it.)

Hmmm. Having read further, I suppose I see where you’re going with her quickie divorce – i.e., she’s not utterly devastated by it and is left comfortably supported – but what comes through is a character I’m having trouble connecting with. She seems interested only in sex and money; I recognize that that is quite possible, but it’s hard to see depth in her. I suppose I wanted to see more feeling about her sudden transplantation from small town Alabama to New York City than “I’m going to go get fucked.” I’m fine with her having a wild and exciting sex life, but I’m not getting a great deal else out of her.


BL: will be doing some serious editing and I expect to add more about her feelings. Her sexual memories are closely tied to memories of her ex-husband so, while she masturbates, she is thinking about sex with him and sex parties they attended. This seems reasonable. Most people think about sex while they masturbate, either fantasies or memories. I will try to change the wording a bit so her thoughts are more of sex and less of her husband per se.

I will also try to develop her character a little although, as Rumps pointed out and I agreed, there are more than 1,100 words in the backstory already and some references to sex but no actual sex scene. The possibility exists that I will expand the reference to the first anal experience to a sex scene. With an E/C story, which I expect this to be, I don’t like to go too long without one. Besides that, to the degree that I have developed any steady readers, early sex scenes are expected, and the references and Cindy Lou starting to play with herself would not be enough.



BS: (A bit further on ...) I’m getting a nagging vibe at the second mention of the “three possible partners.” I’m starting to worry that this will turn into “let’s try all permutations of those three guys, mentioned specifically so that I could involve each of them.” I suppose it fits the character as you might intend her, but again – it’s hard for me to connect with a character who looks at a bus full of people and sees only three sex partners with no distinguishing characteristics to them.
Quote, from BL:
//In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten. The pretty blonde, who was so willing, had a really nice figure and the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips felt incredible on his tongue.//

This, for me, could use less “tell” and more “show.” What was great about it? What did it taste and feel like? Were there sounds, motions, and sensations that made this event exciting?


BL: Cindy Lou is very interested in sex, and she can separate it from emotion. In that way, she is much like men, who can have fun sex with no commitment. She is not really money hungry, though, but she does want to live comfortably.

I don’t know how I can describe smells and tastes. I can describe the bus driver as having been sitting in his seat for the last eight hours and sweating and everybody will know what he would smell like. As for the taste or smell of a pussy, I’m not so sure. I usually just say “delicious” or some similar word and leave it at that. I think most people reading on this site know what a pussy smells like anyhow.


BS: I felt like dialog could do a bit more to develop character voice. The feelings and ideas seem fair enough, but ideally I would like to see more individual style and personality in the way in which they are expressed. Some of it, too, is more tell that could be show – for instance:
Quote:
BL//“She’s almost ready to cum,” the man thought as he licked up the latest trickle of delicious juices. “And I know how to really get her off.” //


I’m wondering if many people really think this to themselves in so many words, or if they just act in a more physical and instinctive response. I tend to think the latter, and to think that actions and internal voicing capture this better than direct statements.


BL: I’m not sure just how much I can do with dialogue. There is very little conversation between Cindy Lou and the two men except where she is instructing the young man in how to fuck her better. I have taken Rumps’ suggestion and punched up the initial conversation between Cindy Lou and the driver so she is now terrified instead of worried. I think that is an improvement. The dialogue when the men leave is somewhat stilted because they are actually strangers who never saw each other before and never will again. Also, although a wanton and sexually uninhibited, Cindy Lou is still a lady, as I showed in the very first word of the story and in her concern about not appearing slutty to the man who had just eaten her pussy and was about to start fucking her. When they left, she thanked them for their company, in her own way, and she wished the young man a safe and pleasant journey. That’s what a lady would have done. I may make some minor changes but, except for the encounter with the driver, nothing major.


BS: I’m enjoying the daring humor / exaggeration (as you mentioned) of the back-of-the-bus shag. I do like the unashamed revelry in wild sexual abandon. I enjoy your attention to the motion of the bus and its impact on the sensations of your leads.

Good visceral detail on scent and response in the scene with the bus driver. I like the earthy detail there. I’m still having trouble connecting with Cindy Lou on any deeper level, but I’m getting her enjoyment of the sex in a pleasantly enthusiastic way.

(Did it absolutely have to be “the big, black cock”? Aside from how one feels about the stereotype, it’s very worn phrase.)

BL: I agree, and I will eliminate the two middle words of that phrase. It’s not really true anyhow, because it is not all that big. I am now saying: “As Cindy Lou moved her head back and forth, stroking the hard cock with her lips, it felt like any of the hundreds that had been there before, bigger than some and smaller than some.”

BS: At the end, I’m relieved not to have had her run the gamut of all three “potential sex partners,” but back to the careful enumeration of orgasms.


So, to sum up ...

Content: I like the wild, joyously enthusiastic approach to sex, and despite what my comments above may seem to suggest, I don’t think it’s necessary to cut any of it. It’s the heart of the story and more power to you if that’s what you enjoy. I would, however, suggest adding some elements, specifically some character development to Cindy. I know that sex is the main point of the story and that that is fine, but surely she has some interests, feelings, and experiences in her life other than sex?

Style: Less tell and more show, I think. It’s better to see or feel the sensations than to be told “it was an amazing blowjob.” Dialogue could use some work to develop a stronger sense of character and individual voice. Do keep some sense of unabashed and proudly exaggerated stroke; I think it’s part of the piece’s charm, and it gives it a good, honest feel.

Hope that’s of some use –

Shanglan


BL: I’m glad you like some parts of it. I will follow at least some of your suggestions and I think that when I post the edited version, it sill be a much better story. I have already started making changes.
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BL,

A night's sleep and a second read leave my opinion largely unchanged. Having perused the other responses, I find myself in agreement with most of the other comments, particularly those by BlackShanglan.

Here are a few lines that caught my attention:

"Darn," Cindy Lou said to herself. "This bus is taking forever to get to New York."
Normally I would not have taken much note of this, but it is the first line. It strikes me as an odd thing for a person to verbalize.

Most of those thoughts and memories involved Bobby, her former husband of ten years
My ex-husband is always my "ex-husband" or, more often, simply my "ex". I can't recall ever hearing any woman refer to a previous spouse as "former husband". Of course, it's not a line spoken or thought, but it still struck me as odd.

As befits a "good girl", she had been a virgin when, at 18...
First thing I thought when I read this was, "Oh? So I wasn't a 'good girl' because I spent all of maybe five minutes prior to my eighteenth birthday with a dick in my pussy?" I wasn't quite offended, but it did jar me a pinch and I re-read the line to see if I was missing something.

... with other men because he was a swinger and expected his wife to join him
I need to see a bit more before I really believe the "good girl" to "swinger" transition. Why even make her a virgin at the altar anyway, just to have such an abrupt, and apparently unnecessary, character shift? This is where I think first-person could really have added some depth to Cindy in an efficient manner, something like: 'I loved being a swinger, all these men wanting to fuck me just because I was beautiful- does it get any sexier than that?'

At least three of them, she thought, would make very welcome sex partners.
This is where the old 'slut' label reared its head for me in a big way. Maybe some women analyze men in this fashion, but it seems foreign. Ok, I check out a guy's butt once in a while and this one Canadian Game Warden from last summer, I'll remember his eyes forever- but I don't classify men as fuck material or not based on an ogle. Of course, Cindy has to be a slut for the series to work, but I'd at least like to know what about these men she finds alluring. Curiously, it never crossed my mind as it did Shanglan's that she might become involved with all three, perhaps even at the same time.

... and it got even better when he started licking her crotch
I found the term 'crotch' unromantic in this context.

... he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten.
And she's been on this bus how long?

...enjoyed every second of her cumming until she climaxed
What?

After her first orgasm, the engorgement of her pussy lips and clit had decreased
BUZZZT! Wrong answer. For me, the first orgasm only increases arousal.

"Ma’am, this is my stop and I’ll have to go back to my seat and get ready to get off."
First thing I thought was, "Didn't he just get off?"

After another minute, she felt his cock throbbing and jerking in her mouth and positioned her tongue to catch his cum when it squirted out.
I see this as a story for men anyway, so I'm not sure it matters, but there are a few details about being on the giving end of a blowjob that had me shaking my head. If you'd like me to explain, just say so.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. I've been working for several months on a similar theme, a series with a slut as the protagonist, so I understand writing the initial piece is quite a chore. In spite of all the reservations expressed, I think your concept is sound and you've all the ingredients in place for the series. I certainly wouldn't want any of my nit-picking to dampen your enthusiasm for the project.

Take Care,
Penny
 
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Hi Box :)

I write alot of stories from the 3rd person and most of mine are long. Here are some things I see.

1. Cindy is too 2-d. Too much of a cardboard cutout chracter. When you are going for a story that calls for a lot of summary information about a character, you have to really go out of your way to project that character back into the story. Your intro reads a lot like a second chapter, where you are expanding the back story and asume I already know Cindy Lou.

The back story is...impersonal. I need some physical description of Cindy, of Bobby, Maybe even of the first man besides her husband she hooked up with. I need to feel some connection to her, and to do that, you need to give her some traits I can identify with.

In my humble opinion, you would have done a lot better in building her and making connection, if you had told some of this backstory in flashback. Specifically, you could have flashed back to her sexual awakening, or her first time swinging and injected some of her thoughts and perceptions that would have given her depth as a character and given your reader some action to keep them interested.


2. You seem to feel her being a "good girl" gives us an idea of what she is like, but it really dosen't. A good girl in 1950 gives a definte set of traits, because it was important back then to be a good girl. A good girl today is totally subjective, and there is likely to be more emphasis on her not coking up than not letting her panties down now & again. The story gives no sense to me in the early parts of when it is set, so I can't even make a guess, then back track 30 years from there. Not that you want your reader doing such mental gymnastics in the first place.

3. Even when caught she seems...emotionally gelded. One of third person's primary advantages is the narrator can jump right into a character's head and tell the reader what's going on. You aren't limited to trying to show emotion through action as you are in a limited POV. You really haven't taken advantage of the POV to jump into her head and let us know what she things, feels, her perceptions, value sets, most importantly, her original values vs. the modificiations made through swiging. You just leave it all to be assumed by the reader.

That's a technique some people employ regularly, but in a setting where you are contemplating a series of the character's adventures, I really need to know the character enough to follow them. While you can leave a good deal to the reader's imagination in a short story, in a series you will be revisiting this character again and again. You need to give her some concrete traits, else you risk loosing readers with each charpter as the story forces you to make her make choices and have those choices run counter to the reader's imagined trait set for her.


I think you already have the telling of the act down, not much I can say there.

Obviously, my aproach is from my perspective here. If your intent is to leave her nebulous to fill out later or to leave her nebulous to let the reader fill out or even to simply write a nympho then nothing I've said applies. If you were shooting for a deeper story than your usual stroke, I think you went too deep into back story and didn't do enough charicterization to make the character come alive.
 
RESPONSE TO A POSTING BY PURE

Boxlicker101:Hi, Pure. Thanks for taking an interest in the story. I will definitely follow up on some of your suggestions but some of them don't apply.

P: Hi Box,

Looking at a key early passage:

Until then she had been lying back with her eyes closed, but they suddenly popped open and she became aware that a man, just across the aisle and only few feet away was staring at her. The blanket had slipped to the floor and, by the small light on the corner of the seat in front of her, he could see the wide open front of her blue jeans and her fingers moving frantically under her panties.

Before embarrassment could overcome Cindy Lou, the man spoke. “It seems a shame that a pretty girl like you should have to play with herself. I’d love to eat your pussy and we’d both have a lot more fun.”

This is your classic, pizza boy rings doorbell, and she's half clad, beautiful swelling breast under the filmy night gown, "Here you're pizza ma'am, that will be $10.00. I'd love to fuck you." "Why sure."

Boxlicker101: I don’t think there’s that much similarity. Cindy Lou was surprised while actually trying to cover up her activities, which are obviously sexual, while the woman you cite is deliberately showing herself off.

P: Although taken by surprise, she quickly decided what she wanted to do. There weren’t very many other passengers on the bus and they all seemed to be asleep. The young man, who was one of the three possible partners she had thought about earlier, seemed pleasant enough and he was a southerner. Besides that, he was 100% right. Her fingers weren’t getting the job done and his mouth and, hopefully, his cock could.

Very wordy,
Though surprised, she showed 'yes' by opening her legs slightly. She'd noticed him earlier and taken him for a fellow Southerner. His mouth, she thought, would do the job where her fingers weren't succeeding. And there was his cock...

.
BL: I could probably have been less wordy but I would rather use a few excessive words than omit important details. I don’t like to have loose ends and I don’t want questions to arise in readers’ minds, for instance, wondering if the young man was one of the three possible sex partners. As I’ve said to some others, I am going to be moving this out of the E&V category, probably to E/C. It doesn’t really belong here because Cindy Lou is not an exhibitionist, just immodest. I wanted to show how she weighed the possibilities and decided the negatives were outweighed by the benefits.

P: After hesitating no more than a few seconds, and without speaking, the horny young woman rose up slightly from her seat to pull her jeans down and around her ass. She pushed the pants down her legs and lifted her feet to remove them and her sneakers and leave them on the floor. She rose up again and her panties made the same journey and ended in the same heap. Naked below the waist except for her socks, Cindy Lou leaned back with her legs raised and spread, hoping the man would live up to his offer and even do a lot more.

I realize that delay can titillate, as in undressing but the effect is not achieved here: Consider.

Hesitating for only a few second, she lift up her hips and pulled her jeans and panties down. Entirely naked below the waist, she raised her legs. She figure the sight of her pussy would inspire the man give her the best tongue she'd ever had. Then fuck her silly.

BL: I wasn’t trying to delay anything; I just wanted to describe her act of undressing the way she would have done it. I don’t think she would have removed her socks. She wanted to have her pussy eaten; she didn’t actually expect to get “the best tongue she’d ever had”. I don’t think I have ever referred to somebody being “fucked silly” except maybe in dialogue. It seems like to much of a cliché. I will delete the first nine words of that paragraph because they are redundant.

P: Seconds later, the young southerner was kneeling on her pile of clothing with his face buried in Cindy Lou’s crotch while her legs rested on his shoulders. The first //marvelous sensation// she had was his tongue licking up the juices that had trickled from her pussy down her legs. The soft, sensitive skin of her upper thighs reveled in the feel of a man’s tongue after the long wait, and it got even better when he started licking her crotch. Back and forth and from side to side on her bare ass she rocked, with her head tossing from side to side on the back of the seat. Cindy Lou was moaning in pleasure and her hands were clenching and opening as the young man started slowly licking his way up one of her engorged pussy lips. Several times she had tried stroking herself there with fingertips dipped in olive oil but nothing felt as good as a real tongue slowly licking its way along that very sensitive place.

The bolded parts would be adequate. "marvelous sensation" should be demonstrated, not labelled.

BL: I thought I did demonstrate the sensation but I can try to make my wording more descriptive of what she was feeling. I don’t like to use too many similes, though. I wanted to show how this was so much better than masturbating.

P: Both Cindy Lou and the young man were immensely enjoying themselves.

Show it, don't say it.

BL: I do describe her reactions. I can probably punch up the man’s reactions but I’m not sure what more I can do.

P: In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten. The pretty blonde, who was so willing, had a really nice figure and the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips //felt incredible// on his tongue.

Not entiely comfortable with changed pov, since no foundation. e.g., a look from him, and his thoughts of fucking her. "Felt incredible" sounds pretty prosaic.

BL: I will make some changes here but the POV will remain mostly hers. I will describe the feeling more also.

P: Avidly but slowly he licked to the end of the inner lip and started sucking on her clit, which was so engorged it had crowded its way out from its protective hood. Even before his lips enveloped her clit, the woman had been thrashing around on the bus seat and her pussy was jamming into his face. Once he started sucking her sweetest of sweet spots, she was fucking against his mouth so hard that her ass was almost lifting off the seat and he was afraid that her moans of pleasure would wake the other passengers. He was more than willing to take that chance; //the pussy he was eating was so amazing.//

Not bad, but the 'amazing pussy' should be evident.

BL: I felt I had to call it something and I had used “incredible” in the previous paragraph. That will be changing, though.

P: After a less than a minute of having her clit sucked, Cindy Lou started cumming.

This kind of passage is in fact, not easy to write well. It easily becomes a standard list of details. To bring it off, some surprises are needed, little 'flies in the ointment', as all of us have noticed. The problem, not peculiar to you is that, perhaps 40 years ago, the mere detail would be schocking, as earlier in Lady Chatterly's Lover. Now that can't be relied on, even getting down to which pussy lip, etc.

BL: All of my stories that include a man and a woman have at least one woman cumming at least once, and I try to vary the descriptions of the reactions of different women, but not vary the reactions too much of a woman who cums twice.

P: Incidentally, the man's view is more compatible with the voyeur thing. So if the story were to be recast, it would have to start in the man's view and make it more inferential as to back story. Perhaps even have 3 mins of conversation before oral sex.

[pure's re-write, man's pov; getting to the point in hurry]
He saw the slender blonde board the bush carrying a large suitcase. 'Definitely bound for NY," he thought.
The subtle sensuality of her walk, her apparent consciousness of how she moved her hips made his think she was well experienced. But the dress definitley said 'small town.' Likely she gotten well fucked by the well hung mill worker who'd grown up next door to her. Yet she lack a bounce in her step. He saw now expectant optimism on her face. I wonder if she's just broken up, or gotten a divorce. He'd have to find out: "Going far?" She taken a seat just a row behind his, at the opposite side of the aisle. "New York City." Her words were said like a southerner, and her eyes seemed to welcome his conversation. Though she turned her eyes to her magazine, he had the feeling she remained aware of his presence. He became immersed in his own thought till he heard the slightest of moans. She probably thought the magazine hid the sight of her fingers plunging into the front of her pants. They did, in part, but her hips confirmed what was going on. When she realized his gaze, he thought she'd try to cover up. Her look, though, became more intense; she let him see her desire and he found himself llicking his lips. He hardened immediately when he saw her tongue doing the same thing. Seeing his surprise, she did it again, and motioned with her head.
A neon sign saying 'Come and get it' was not necessary and this point.
As he came over to her, he dropped to his knees and she pulled off the jeans and panties, treating his nose to the aroma of her full arousal.
----

Condensing and pacing; avoiding a, then b, then c. suprising the reader
these are what to work on. Basic writing skills are quite adequate.

BL: I am going to be changing this to E/C. Several persons have pointed out that it just does not belong in the present category and I agree with them. I didn’t feel right about putting it there in the first place but the action was taking place in public so it seemed better than any other category.

This is intended to be the first in a series featuring Cindy Lou so she has to remain the protag. And the POV has to remain hers. By the way, when she boarded the bus, she was wearing a bulky jacket and loose blue jeans for comfort and she was carrying a makeup case. Her large suitcases are in the baggage hold.
 
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REPLY TO A POSTING BY MsBOY8


M: Hi BL,
Nice premise, but does it really belong in "Exhibition/Voyer"? Perhaps if you described the young southern man watrching her. That way you could also describe her better.

BL: Hi, Msboy. This will be changed to E/C when I resubmit it. I have made some changes on a copy I have on my HD and which will be replacing the edition now on Lit. The changes include more description of Cindy Lou.

M: I too have the same problem as never having had sex as a woman, I think a sex-change would be over compensating, however.

Describing the young man or the bus driver is not necessary, they are just means to an end for Her sexual satisfaction. More attention paid to her looks, feelings, IMHO would make the story better. For example, specifically, what did she feel as the young man pleased different parts of her? IMHO she needs to be larger than life so that her partners are mere shadows, just there for her.

BL: Except for being young and a southerner, I will not be describing the young man at all although I will imply that he is reasonably attractive. I believe no more is needed. I describe the bus driver as being a tall, young African-American because I want to show that Cindy Lou is open to new experiences. He will not reappear in the series but he will affect another chapter.

M: Hope these suggestions helped BL, stay hard and keep writing.
msboy8

BL: Yes, thanks, they have, as part of a consensus and maybe more.
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I know that Box prides himself on writing pure smut or stroke, stories with no redeeming features or literary pretensions whatsoever, but I also know that he’s better than he lets on. I haven’t read much of his work, just a few contest stories, and I remember one about a couple on a cruise ship that comprised a bunch of stories and was very nicely done, with well-drawn characters and realiztic dialogue and inventive situations. It was spicey and playful and fun.

I can’t say the same for this one. I think you’re selling everyone short here, Box. The story feels stiff, the sex wooden (and not in a good way), and your characters are mere cardboard cut-outs. I guess you could say that I’m coming down hard on what’s supposed to be nothing more than a stroke story, but I think that even as a stroker it’s weak. You can run from literary technique, but you can’t hide, and here it catches up with you.

In my opinion, starting a story with a flashback is a sure sign that you’ve started in the wrong place. A story should start with the action, and then once the story has started rolling and the reader’s interested, then you can feed him the background, if absolutely necessary. The only time you should dump the backstory in the reader’s lap like this is when it’s absolutely essential to understanding what’s going on, and that isn’t the case here. Here we start with a girl on a bus and immediately jump into a major flashback, and that’s bad.

I don’t know how important her background will be to this story as it goes on, but I’m going to guess not very. I think you’re writing a kind of “Cindy Lou’s New York Adventure”, a sexual odyssey, and so if that’s the case I really don’t think we need the details of her previous marriage and divorce. Just saying she was fleeing a childhood marriage that didn’t work out would do the trick and save us a lot of time. Maybe I’m wrong though.

I also don’t know whether the fact that she’s engaged in group sex before is vital to the story later on, but I would guess that if it is, it can be dealt with in a line or two when the time comes. And there’s no need to tell us she’s a wild and sexually active young woman when we can see her getting it on with a stranger in the backseat of a Grayhound. That says more about her than 500 words of exposition. Actions always speak louder than words in fiction.

I think the story would have been much more lively and engaging had we started out with the image of a good looking woman masturbating in the back of a dark Grayhound bus, a willing gentleman sneaking peeks back at her, not believing his eyes, wondering whether he dare go back there. That would hook us at the start, and we would learn a lot about her character from the way she made love. There’s time for the flashback later, if it’s absolutely essential.

As it is, we start out with the prosaic “Oh, when will this bus ever get to New York?” in order to establish the setting, followed by Cindy Lou’s life story, stuff we really don’t need to know at this point, if ever. The flashback was so long that, when we fnally rejoined Cindy outside the bus, I didn't know if we were still in flashback of a bit forward in time or what.

The sex. Big point here. This is supposed to be a stroke story, which means it lives and dies by the heat of the sex. I found the sex quite underwhelming and totally lacking in heat, and I’ll bet if this story’s not doing well, it's because a lot of readers feel the same way.

There are several reasons for the flatness of the sex. The first is language and imagery. Look at this paragraph:

Both Cindy Lou and the young man were immensely enjoying themselves. In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten. The pretty blonde, who was so willing, had a really nice figure and the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips felt incredible on his tongue. Avidly but slowly he licked to the end of the inner lip and started sucking on her clit, which was so engorged it had crowded its way out from its protective hood. Even before his lips enveloped her clit, the woman had been thrashing around on the bus seat and her pussy was jamming into his face. Once he started sucking her sweetest of sweet spots, she was fucking against his mouth so hard that her ass was almost lifting off the seat and he was afraid that her moans of pleasure would wake the other passengers. He was more than willing to take that chance; the pussy he was eating was so amazing.

The first 3-4 lines especially are composed entirely of what I call subjective judgments. They don’t help the reader form a mental image of what’s happening. To say that they were “immensely enjoying themselves”, that this was “the best pussy he had ever eaten”, and that Cindy Lou was “pretty” and “had a really nice figure”, and that she felt "incredible" on his tongue does absolutely nothing to paint us a picture of what was really going on. We want to know how was she pretty? What were they doing to show us they were enjoying themselves? Apparently it was her taste that made him decide she was “best pussy he had ever eaten”. All right. Fair enough. That’s not my thing. I look for something more than taste, but hey, if he gets off on it, that’s his business. But in any case, I still don’t know what she tasted like or what it means for her to feel "incredible". It’s just not descriptive enough.

In my opinion, hot porn is graphic, sensual, and vivid. As I read this paragraph, there’s only one image that meets those criteria, and that’s her ass almost lifting off the seat. The rest is all tell and no show: her thrashing, lifting, fucking are all descriptive but they’re hardly vivid. It reminds me of the kind of porn where we keep hearing, “she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen”, “her tits were just perfect”, “she had a figure to die for”, and “I’d never felt anything so wonderful in my life.” Those kinds of subjective judgments might make the author think he’s saying something of import (after all, he knows what his idea of perfect tits are), but they mean nothing to a reader. They're lazy. The author doesn't tell us what things looked or felt like, he just tells us the felt good or incredible. Subjective judgments look descriptive but they’re not. They pack absolutely no erotic heat.

What I want to see is the look on her face, the way her clothes are rumpled, the way she grips the seat cushion as he fucks her. The way it’s told here, it sounds like the way you'd tell a dirty joke: This good looking girl with a really nice figure meets this guy on a bus and they really start enjoying themselves. He goes down on her and thinks how this is the best pussy he’s ever eaten and she’s thrashing around and fucking her hips at him… etc. etc. Those kind of stories may be dirty, but they’re never really arousing because they lack the detail that lets us see it in our minds. They lack concrete sensory detail.


There’s also a lot of belaboring the obvious in the sex, and a striking mismatch between whatthe characters are supposedly feeling and the language used to describe it. Example:

The man was glad that Cindy Lou was cumming because he couldn’t hold back any more. His climax would be, he knew, the best one too, but it would be the best of his life, and the sex that he was experiencing was the best he had ever had, or had ever heard of anybody ever having.

I’m not sure what the problem is here. Partially it’s the weakness of the language for describing that excruciatingly delicious moment before orgasm. To say he was “glad” just seems so weak. And then, to be at the moment of release and to be thinking to yourself “Hey! This sex I’m experiencing is the best I’ve ever had! In fact, this is the best sex I’ve ever heard of anyone having!” just sounds so wrong. It’s like I have an image of him at the moment of climax shouting, “This is the best sex I’ve ever had!”

There are false notes like this throught the sex. For instance, I really don’t know if girls think to themselves that they hope their next orgasm is better than the first, but I kind of doubt it. It makes it sound as if she’s wondering whether it will rain tomorrow. I also doubt that guys stop and tell themselves, “I know what would really feel good to her at this point.” People involved in hot sex are usually to busy feeling things to be planning their next move, or so it would seem to me. The sex in here is strangely objectified and detached, and I have to think that you’re aware of that too.

But I think you’ve got a bigger problem than language and imagery, and that’s Cindy Lou’s character, or rather lack of it, because she has none. Despite all that flashback, we still don’t know what she’s like, and in the end it turns out that she’s another one of those Literotica stock characters who just walks around and fucks anything that moves without rhyme or reason or a thought inher head. I’m not saying she has to be Emma Bovary, but in my opinion porn is about what happens to people, not just what happens to their organs. I don’t think the problem you face is so much an inability to describe a woman’s experience of sex as it is making Cindy Lou seem like a human being we can understand and empathize with in the first place.

I was also surprised that there was so little attention given to the setting in this piece. I mean, fucking on a bus with all these passengers sleeping around you as you speed down a dark highway should be very erotic, but you simply ignore it here. There was some mention of the bus rocking, but what were all those other passengers doing while Cindy Lou was getting it on? Maybe they were sleeping or something, but there’s not a single mention of them. There’s no feeling of secrecy or fear of discovery, no crowding and pushing to get her to fit on the back seat, no biting her hand to keep from groaning out loud, nothing like that. It’s like you just told us she was on a bus and then forgot about it. You let all that erotic potential just go to waste.

If this is going to be a regular story with some literary pretensions, then you need some character and conflict in there. It doesn’t have any. If it’s just going to be a stroker, then you need some blistering sex, and I’m afraid it doesn’t have that either. I think that’s why it’s gotten such a cool reception.

---dr.M.
 
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The man was glad that Cindy Lou was cumming because he couldn’t hold back any more. His climax would be, he knew, the best one too, but it would be the best of his life, and the sex that he was experiencing was the best he had ever had, or had ever heard of anybody ever having.

I’m not sure what the problem is here. Partially it’s the weakness of the language for describing that excruciatingly delicious moment before orgasm. To say he was “glad” just seems so weak. And then, to be at the moment of release and to be thinking to yourself “Hey! This sex I’m experiencing is the best I’ve ever had! In fact, this is the best sex I’ve ever heard of anyone having!” just sounds so wrong. It’s like I have an image of him at the moment of climax shouting, “This is the best sex I’ve ever had!”
--

Doc, Box, and others,

I've seen many others do this same thing and I keep trying to find a term for the problem. It's like the writer has put an extra level between the reader and the action. There's bound to be a term for it, there's one for just about everything in writing.

This is a huge WAG (wild ass guess) but term aside, part of the problem may be the narrative being third person past tense. There are a lot of "past tense" sounding words in that paragraph. I did a quick count and came up with the following numbers:

WAS = 4
WOULD = 2
HAD = 3
EVER = 3

This is something else I just noticed. The story is supposed to be limited third person, with this scene in the man's POV. However, the narrator continues to refer to her as Cindy Lou, even though I don't believe they've been formerly introduced, instead of something sweet and endearing like "this hot piece of ass." IMHO, that gives the impression an omniscient narrator is telling us what the man is feeling and thinking which automatically adds distance and lowers the erotic temperature.

All that's IMHO. Any thoughts?

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Penolope Street: Cindy Lou? The first thing I thought of was the cute little girl from The Grinch that Stole Christmas. A cartoon toddler is probably not the image one wants to conjure for a stroke story.

Boxlicker101: Hi, Penny.
Thanks for your comments. The name came from an old Doris Day song that I heard on the car radio just before I started the story.


PS: I usually don't care for stroke stories anyway and this was no exception. I need to know the characters, and like at least one of them, before I care what happens to them or what they do. I didn't have so much trouble believing Cindy as a woman as I did believing her as a person. In spite of the thousand words spent on development, I didn’t feel I really knew Cindy. I believe first person might have been a better choice for this story.

Cindy's past is somewhat interesting, more interesting than the sex to me- but it's presented in a dry fashion. Also, it's a history that left me with some questions I wanted answered, such as: What kind of family keeps a woman away from all men during the month before to her divorce, then insists she leaves town? And how did they accomplish this? This seems like a really bizarre, or even dysfunctional, family. I want to know more about them.

BL: I am doing extensive rewriting of the first part, which some have called the backstory. I am trying to develop the character better and explain why she was on the bus going a thousand miles to start a new life. I will also go into the motivations of her family.

Most of my stories are written in the first person and the narrator is a man. I believed it would be hard enough to write from the POV of a woman without the limitations of the first person form.


PS: Alternately, Cindy could have told the man her story, telling us as she does so. As night falls and the bus empties a bit, the conversation turns to her swinging days, or some other lively topic, etc.

A few of the sensations she experiences are also beyond what I've experienced, such as feeling her clit and pussy lips swelling. Sometimes I feel a warmth or a tingling, maybe even an itching, but never swelling. Ok, maybe that's just me or maybe it's part of the aforementioned exaggeration, but the bit about his cock rubbing her clit while he fucks her? Unless I'm misreading something, she has to have a mutant clit before that's gonna happen.

BL: The sensations are part of the exaggeration common to stroke stories. His cock would not actually touch her clit but when he moves farther up, on her body, the angle of penetration would change so his cock would be more strongly pressed against the upper lining of her vagina, indirectly stimulating her clit.

PS: Since I'm not part of the target audience, I hope it will not be any great disappointment that I found the story more amusing than arousing. The biggest chuckle I got was when, between the cunnilingus and the coitus, Cindy is thankful she doesn't have to dig into her purse for condoms lest her lover think she's a slut. The man who demands, and receives, a blowjob addressing her as "lady" was also amusing.

BL: I liked the irony of Cindy Lou cumming twice from the stranger eating her pussy and preparing to fuck him on the back seat of the public bus and being worried about being perceived by him as a slut. I would never call anybody that but there are many who would. So far, you are the only person who has mentioned that.

“Lady” would be a normal form of address by the bus driver when speaking to a woman passenger whose name he doesn’t know.


PS: Of course, I'm not part of your target audience; I might read the best stroke story ever and still roll my eyes most the way through it. Planning a series and writing the first story is no easy task. It's even more daring to do so with a member of the opposite sex as the central character. Even so, my suggestion would be to have more confidence, more daring; show me how she feels, why she likes having sex with strangers, what the bus driver's cum tastes like, etc. Really go for it, if you know what I mean. I don't see anything in the underlying writing skills to think such confidence and daring to be unjustified.

Take Care,
Penny

BL: Cindy Lou enjoys having sex and doesn’t care if it is with a stranger or not. This is the new description of the bus driver’s cum: The first big gob landed right where it was wanted and she relished the exotic, rather garlicky flavor, much tastier than the rather bland semen she was used to.

Thanks for the compliment. I really want to do this right.





PS: A night's sleep and a second read leave my opinion largely unchanged. Having perused the other responses, I find myself in agreement with most of the other comments, particularly those by BlackShanglan.

Here are a few lines that caught my attention:

"Darn," Cindy Lou said to herself. "This bus is taking forever to get to New York."
Normally I would not have taken much note of this, but it is the first line. It strikes me as an odd thing for a person to verbalize.

Most of those thoughts and memories involved Bobby, her former husband of ten years
My ex-husband is always my "ex-husband" or, more often, simply my "ex". I can't recall ever hearing any woman refer to a previous spouse as "former husband". Of course, it's not a line spoken or thought, but it still struck me as odd.

BL: I have changed the reference to “ex-husband”

PS: As befits a "good girl", she had been a virgin when, at 18...
First thing I thought when I read this was, "Oh? So I wasn't a 'good girl' because I spent all of maybe five minutes prior to my eighteenth birthday with a dick in my pussy?" I wasn't quite offended, but it did jar me a pinch and I re-read the line to see if I was missing something.

BL: I put the words in quotation marks as a way of implying that she had never done anything against her parents’ wishes. That would include fucking, drugs and anything else. Her parents had always been controlling and they still are after her divorce, which is part of the reason she went to NY.

PS: ... with other men because he was a swinger and expected his wife to join him
I need to see a bit more before I really believe the "good girl" to "swinger" transition. Why even make her a virgin at the altar anyway, just to have such an abrupt, and apparently unnecessary, character shift? This is where I think first-person could really have added some depth to Cindy in an efficient manner, something like: 'I loved being a swinger, all these men wanting to fuck me just because I was beautiful- does it get any sexier than that?'

BL: She was a virgin at the altar because of her domineering parents. She was reluctant to go to the first swinging party but her husband talked her into it. She enjoyed herself so much that she wanted to go to more.

PS: At least three of them, she thought, would make very welcome sex partners.
This is where the old 'slut' label reared its head for me in a big way. Maybe some women analyze men in this fashion, but it seems foreign. Ok, I check out a guy's butt once in a while and this one Canadian Game Warden from last summer, I'll remember his eyes forever- but I don't classify men as fuck material or not based on an ogle. Of course, Cindy has to be a slut for the series to work, but I'd at least like to know what about these men she finds alluring. Curiously, it never crossed my mind as it did Shanglan's that she might become involved with all three, perhaps even at the same time.

BL: She is sexually uninhibited and horny. Why wouldn’t she be checking out men who were her fellow-passengers? They weren’t actually alluring, just acceptable. She would not have invited them to join her, though, for the same reason she hoped she would not have to provide the condom. As I said, I would not call Cindy Lou a slut but those who use the term would.

PS: ... and it got even better when he started licking her crotch

I found the term 'crotch' unromantic in this context.

... he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten.
And she's been on this bus how long?

BL: She carefully bathed shortly before boarding the bus, which would have been about ten hours earlier. I am going to take issue with what I think you are thinking. Personally, I think pussies are much better eating when the woman is not excessively clean and when her musky natural perfume is there. I find this a big turnon and I believe most men do. Now, why do you not question why Cindy Lou was turned on by the smell of the bus driver?

PS: ...enjoyed every second of her cumming until she climaxed
What?

After her first orgasm, the engorgement of her pussy lips and clit had decreased
BUZZZT! Wrong answer. For me, the first orgasm only increases arousal.

"Ma’am, this is my stop and I’ll have to go back to my seat and get ready to get off."
First thing I thought was, "Didn't he just get off?"

After another minute, she felt his cock throbbing and jerking in her mouth and positioned her tongue to catch his cum when it squirted out.
I see this as a story for men anyway, so I'm not sure it matters, but there are a few details about being on the giving end of a blowjob that had me shaking my head. If you'd like me to explain, just say so.

BL: In porno movies, sometimes the man will start masturbating while the woman holds her mouth open so he can cum on her tongue. I don’t think this would ever actually happen but Cindy Lou could involve her hand to some degree, stop using her tongue so much and use shorter strokes so the head of his cock was always over her tongue. I will include this in the story.

PS: I hope I wasn't too harsh. I've been working for several months on a similar theme, a series with a slut as the protagonist, so I understand writing the initial piece is quite a chore. In spite of all the reservations expressed, I think your concept is sound and you've all the ingredients in place for the series. I certainly wouldn't want any of my nit-picking to dampen your enthusiasm for the project.

Take Care,
Penny

BL: Thanks, Penny. You weren’t too harsh. I expected to get somewhat dissected when I put the story on the table.
 
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RESPONSE TO A POSTING BY NEONLYTE

N: Hi Boxlicker

Better declare straight off that I'm not a great fan of 'stroke' stories, I prefer some meat on the bones of my characters, best you feel free to ignore my thoughts. I've not looked at the other critiques, I would imagine others will look at specific phrases and terminology.

Dealing with the questions you raise in your preamble.

This is not IMO an E&V story and that may be why you are receiving lower than expected votes and little to no readership feedback.

As a 'stroke' story, there is more than enough to titilate, it all comes down to how you like your meal served. For me, this one is plain, l'd prefer a little more spice and a lot more gravy.

As a reader (of one of Boxlicker's stories), I'm looking for the action from the outset, and whilst there is mention of Cindy Lou's past exploits in the first dozen or so para's there is insufficient detail to make me want to reach for my zip, in fact, it almost becomes annoying, it is frustrating because there are enough good ideas in the story to make it very hot. For me the problem lies in the way you've tried to tell it.

BL: You’re right about it not being an E&V story. I am going to change the category to E/C when I submit the revised version. The only reason it was E&V was because the action took place on a public bus.

N: You need to make up your mind on catagory and write for that audience. Let's look at at as an E&V story.

Dump the background. It's superfluous to the needs of the reader in a 'stroke' E&V setting. I'd talk about her slowly walking down the aisle of the bus, taking stock of who's on for the ride. I'd talk about her clothing and her hair, deliberately chosen and arranged to attract stares. I'd talk about her mentally selecting candidates, catagorising them, thinking what she'd like to do with them. I'd talk about her displaying herself so the driver gets a view in his rear mirror. She shouldn't be wearing jeans, she's riding for the ride, a simple slip over dress is easier to slide up her hips, exposes her legs, panties optional.

BL: I need that background to develop her character. I have to say why she is on the bus going from Alabama to NY and I have to describe why she is horny. I expect to expand her thoughts about her first anal sex into a whole sex scene.

N: I'd talk about her excitement of fooling around in a public place, her desire to perform for an audience, even 1 person is an audience, you can make them sound like a crowd.

What Cindy Lou is thinking is important, you say you're having trouble getting the female thinking 'correct'. I'd say, for this story, keep asking yourself "Why would she do that?" and I don't mean give background, but give motivation, and pointers to hook readers into future chapters. For example, what has made Cindy Lou an exhibitionist - 'Cindy Lou got her kicks from displaying herself to potential sexual partners, a trait developed by her former husband's insistence upon swinging.' One short sentence, covers her background, motivation and establishes she's a divorcee, gives you lee way to introduce other stories about Cindy Lou in future episodes; but most importantly, it establishes her mind set for the role she's about to play on the bus, she's centre stage, ready to perform and is just waiting for the audience to turn up.

An exhibitionist needs an audience, her prime target is the stud driving the bus, afterall he's the only one who can watch her preliminaries and warm up bouts. She needs to be checking all the time that the driver is watching, she needs to be excited by seeing his eyes in the rear view mirror and when he finally makes his move she needs to be on the edge of exploding mentally and physically because she's done her show and here comes the finale, the object of the entire display, a rousting bout across the back seat when she'd finally get her hot red lips round that glistening black cock.

All the scenes are in your story, my advice is to dump the irrelevant, kick in the motivation, then write the sex around the desire to be watched, the desire to experiment with multiple partners, and the desire to entice 'the target - the driver' until nothing is going to stop him from 'punching her ticket'.

To write this story as an EC you need to find a story device to explain why all of this action is taking place on a bus. The divorce arrangements can serve, but from the outset you need Cindy Lou getting on the bus desperate to fuck anything after a months lay-off with only her fingers and dildo's for company, the desperation has to outway the public nature of the setting. She'd be trying not to be too obvious or exposed, trying to shield her activiities from the driver and genuinely shocked when he approaches her and demands his slice of the pie.

Either way it leads to a rip rollocking climax powerful enough to want to read more of Cindy Lou's exploits in New York.

Just my thoughts on how I think a reader would want to see the story played out from the catagory perspectives, please disregard or use as you feel appropriate.

neonlyte

EDIT: I've just read your reply to Rumples crit and I'm a little curious as to why you ever considered placing this story as E&V when you consider your character to be neither an exhibitionist or a voyeur? I'm left feeling you've written the wrong story for the wrong catagory, just my opinion.

BL: I was swayed too much by the public nature of the sex.
__________________
 
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I'm still learning how to do a critique so please bear with me. Don't beat me unless you intend for it to be fun for both of us. ;)

For me this story was difficult to read. It didn't flow smoothly and felt quite clinical. Gave me the feeling of "Cindy Lou fucked, came, had fun, the end." Quite honestly, if it weren't for it being on SDC, I would not have read past the second paragraph. :kiss:

On a positive note it is a decent storyline that just needs to be developed.
I would like to see further details. Capture the emotions, the sensations, and the reactions. I want to be Cindy Lou.:D

The notes that I took as I read are as follows:

I love these 2 phrases: "enjoyed a screaming, fist-pounding orgasm" and "tongue laved her clit"

"Four hours later, while making a meal stop, Cindy Lou had covertly looked over the male passengers. They were all aware of her blonde good looks" how do we know this...?

"especially because the alternative was a threat to tell everybody in town all about their lifestyle"
"Members of her family, who had heard rumors about that lifestyle"
conflicting thoughts, if there are already rumors what is she worried about? also, sounds like an empty threat on his part. he's marrying the daughter of the richest man in town, he wouldn't want his proclivities known.

"Until then she had been lying back with her eyes closed, but they suddenly popped open" why did they suddenly pop open?

"In less than a minute, he had become aware that this was by far the best pussy he had ever eaten." huh? better to state that it WAS the best... not that he became aware of it, he would know immediately IMO

"the most wonderful juices he had ever smelled or tasted. Besides her aroma and taste, her swollen pussy lips felt incredible on his tongue." not necessary to say "besides her aroma and taste".

"His head was a captive anyhow and he couldn't have gone anywhere." pointless sentence, IMO

"She wouldn't have wanted the young man, who was still a stranger, to think she was such a slut that she carried contraceptives around in her pocket" Kind of struck me as funny... she's fucking someone she doesn't know and is worried he might think she's a slut for carrying condoms?

"The man was glad that Cindy Lou was cumming because he couldn't hold back any more." when did he learn her name?

"When boarding in Birmingham, she had noticed he was a tall, young African American but had thought nothing of that." if she thinks nothing of it, IMO it's better to include this detail another way. maybe "The interior lights had been turned on and when she looked up, she saw an african american man in a bus driver's uniform."

"...any Black persons..." "...had been White and some had been Black..." questioning your use of capitals. for me it created an unnecessary emphasis that some might find offensive.

"The bus driver was very pleasantly surprised that the pretty young blonde was sucking him off with so much skill and that she seemed to be enjoying it so much." why is he surprised? he just watched her fuck a stranger in public.

end of notes, on to comments...

Cindy Lou is suppose to be 28, but the feeling I got through to the end was that of a much younger "girl". Sounds strange, but there is almost an innocence about her that wouldn't be there considering her experience as a swinger. Maybe this is intentional, I don't know.

Difficulty with the believability of the dialogue throughout.

I enjoy a good stroke story and, quite frankly, this did nothing for me. I know I probably didn't help much, but I hope that I didn't irritate you. You are a very good writer, I have read some of your other pieces, but this one just didn't live up to my expectations. I can't wait to read what the others have said and see what changes you make. I am very interested in this story, I want to make that clear.

 
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Rumple Foreskin said:
The man was glad that Cindy Lou was cumming because he couldn’t hold back any more. His climax would be, he knew, the best one too, but it would be the best of his life, and the sex that he was experiencing was the best he had ever had, or had ever heard of anybody ever having.


I've seen many others do this same thing and I keep trying to find a term for the problem. It's like the writer has put an extra level between the reader and the action. There's bound to be a term for it, there's one for just about everything in writing.

I don't think it's all that mysterious. We're at the penultimate moment in what's supposed to be a wild and wooly fuck scene here, a moment when the guy's emotions and sensations are at their absolute peaks and he's about to come, and what are we given as the image that expresses and embodies this moment? Basically we're told that he's objectively evaluating his experience and comparing it to other sexual experiences he's had and kind of making an abstract value judgment. It totally takes us out of the moment. I think you'd be hard-pressed to come up with a less sexy thing he could be thinkng about.

If porn is vicarious sex, then the duty of porn should be to describe the feelings and emotions and imagery of sex in such a way that we can feel them and see them ourselves. Telling us what a character is thinking doesn't help us do that at all. It just puts us at one or two removes from the raw experience.

Anyhow, that's how I understand it.
 
Hi Box,
I hoped you would take a hint, when I reformatted one of your earlier postings (replying to Black S). The aim is to make clear who is saying what; that's to be done with intro labels: "mabeuse said" and/or typography, where, for example, mabeuse's stuff is always in italics, *and the reader is informed of this convention*. That has only partially occurred.

Please edit your postings (in this thread, past and present) so that it's abundantly clear when you're quoting and whom you quote, and when you're responding. your today 3-10 posting, 1: 22 pm EST, beginning "Hi Boxlicker, Better declare" is an example of a hard-to-follow entity.

Thanks.
 
Pure said:
Hi Box,
I hoped you would take a hint, when I reformatted one of your earlier postings (replying to Black S). The aim is to make clear who is saying what; that's to be done with intro labels: "mabeuse said" and/or typography, where, for example, mabeuse's stuff is always in italics, *and the reader is informed of this convention*. That has only partially occurred.

Please edit your postings (in this thread, past and present) so that it's abundantly clear when you're quoting and whom you quote, and when you're responding. your today 3-10 posting, 1: 22 pm EST, beginning "Hi Boxlicker, Better declare" is an example of a hard-to-follow entity.

Thanks.

Allright, I will but my responses are in boldface, compared to regular face, which I thought would be good enough.
 
dr_mabeuse said:
I don't think it's all that mysterious. We're at the penultimate moment in what's supposed to be a wild and wooly fuck scene here, a moment when the guy's emotions and sensations are at their absolute peaks and he's about to come, and what are we given as the image that expresses and embodies this moment? Basically we're told that he's objectively evaluating his experience and comparing it to other sexual experiences he's had and kind of making an abstract value judgment. It totally takes us out of the moment. I think you'd be hard-pressed to come up with a less sexy thing he could be thinkng about.

If porn is vicarious sex, then the duty of porn should be to describe the feelings and emotions and imagery of sex in such a way that we can feel them and see them ourselves. Telling us what a character is thinking doesn't help us do that at all. It just puts us at one or two removes from the raw experience.

Anyhow, that's how I understand it.
Doc,

The condition isn't mysterious. In my experience, it's a common problem. Most of us have probably done it at one time or another. What is mysterious, at least to me, is some commonly accepted term for this failing. "Distancing" is about my best effort.

--

Box,

I've been told some monitors don't do a good job of distingushing bold type. If the quote function isn't practical, as is the case with the post in question, then I'd just label with initials or short names. It the passage has more than one paragraph, maybe seperate with some sort of line break.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
RESPONSE TO A POST BY COLLEEN THOMAS:

CT: Hi Box

I write alot of stories from the 3rd person and most of mine are long. Here are some things I see.

1. Cindy is too 2-d. Too much of a cardboard cutout chracter. When you are going for a story that calls for a lot of summary information about a character, you have to really go out of your way to project that character back into the story. Your intro reads a lot like a second chapter, where you are expanding the back story and asume I already know Cindy Lou.

The back story is...impersonal. I need some physical description of Cindy, of Bobby, Maybe even of the first man besides her husband she hooked up with. I need to feel some connection to her, and to do that, you need to give her some traits I can identify with.

In my humble opinion, you would have done a lot better in building her and making connection, if you had told some of this backstory in flashback. Specifically, you could have flashed back to her sexual awakening, or her first time swinging and injected some of her thoughts and perceptions that would have given her depth as a character and given your reader some action to keep them interested.

Boxlicker101: Hi, Colly, thanks for your interest. The story starts with Cindy Lou riding on a bus from Alabama to NY and I say a little about why she is on the bus. Then I flashback to her wedding night, which was her sexual awakening, then back to the bus again, where she starts masturbating. Another flashback describes memories of her first swinging experience, how she loved it and wanted more. Because, as others have pointed out, the backstory is quite long to go without a sex scene, at least for a stroke story, I am expanding the reference to her first anal experience into such a scene. I am also working her description into the narration but I don’t want to use separate sentences to describe her. I have added a reference to her husband as “a handsome businessman” and have identified her first swinging partner as a business friend of Bobby’s and I have given a name to her first anal partner. The other men on the bus will not be further described nor will they be named because Cindy Lou nevfer learns their names.

CT: 2. You seem to feel her being a "good girl" gives us an idea of what she is like, but it really dosen't. A good girl in 1950 gives a definte set of traits, because it was important back then to be a good girl. A good girl today is totally subjective, and there is likely to be more emphasis on her not coking up than not letting her panties down now & again. The story gives no sense to me in the early parts of when it is set, so I can't even make a guess, then back track 30 years from there. Not that you want your reader doing such mental gymnastics in the first place.

BL: The story is intended to be contemporary although I don’t say that since I consider it to be not necessary. She would have been married in June or July 1994 and I have expanded the description of her life before marriage to add a little more detail. One important part of her life before marriage is her rather domineering parents, and I want to bring that out also.

CT: 3. Even when caught she seems...emotionally gelded. One of third person's primary advantages is the narrator can jump right into a character's head and tell the reader what's going on. You aren't limited to trying to show emotion through action as you are in a limited POV. You really haven't taken advantage of the POV to jump into her head and let us know what she things, feels, her perceptions, value sets, most importantly, her original values vs. the modificiations made through swiging. You just leave it all to be assumed by the reader.

BL: I have now changed her reaction at the bus driver’s ultimatum to show her fear of being arrested. Most of the backstory consists of her memories and thoughts and I also cite the thoughts of others, perhaps too much. By the way, how do you geld a woman?

CT: That's a technique some people employ regularly, but in a setting where you are contemplating a series of the character's adventures, I really need to know the character enough to follow them. While you can leave a good deal to the reader's imagination in a short story, in a series you will be revisiting this character again and again. You need to give her some concrete traits, else you risk loosing readers with each charpter as the story forces you to make her make choices and have those choices run counter to the reader's imagined trait set for her.


I think you already have the telling of the act down, not much I can say there.

Obviously, my aproach is from my perspective here. If your intent is to leave her nebulous to fill out later or to leave her nebulous to let the reader fill out or even to simply write a nympho then nothing I've said applies. If you were shooting for a deeper story than your usual stroke, I think you went too deep into back story and didn't do enough charicterization to make the character come alive.

BL: I hope to have the character fairly well established by the time I finish the story. There will be more stories in the series, which is why I want to as good a job of writing this first one as I can.
 
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