Story Discussion Black Tulip 4-10-2005 "Egyptian Dreams"

Black Tulip

Not so delicate flower
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Posts
5,945
As promised, a story that's not yet available to the public. LOL

It's chapter 1 of a series I'm writing against the backdrop an Egyptian Tarot Deck I have and I use the images as a kind of incentive. The whole was inspired by my trip to Egypt last summer. :D

The story is about a young priestess who needs to gain insight by studying the cards.
In each chapter she learns about the gods and goddesses and some of the myths surrounding them. This alters her perceptions, including that of the god Bes. The god Bes is playing tricks however so all her visions get a sexual connotation. In the end the god himself is tricked as he falls in love with this mortal woman while she is tranformed into one of the images of the cards.

My main concern: is it interesting enough to read on?

Do I need to give more hints about what is to come?

Is the main focus of the story clear?

Anything else you see or miss is appreciated too.

Enjoy, I hope. :D

----------------

Egyptian dreams - Chapter 1

It was still early in the morning but the sun was already hot, bleaching the stones of the temple and the walkways in the glare, making them uncomfortable to the touch. At the same time, the clear light seemed to magnify all life, etching everything with clear, sharp lines.

Jahi stood for a moment, looking out over the valley below the temple, seeing the blue ribbon of the Nile winding its way to the north. As always, he was amazed at the contrast between the stark emptiness of the mountains and the valley of the river, teeming with life.

Small fishing boats crowded each other in the shallow waters near the banks while bigger, slower moving barges and the occasional yacht speeding along on the Pharaoh's business used the middle of the river. Near the riverbanks, he could see the fields with crops, further away the oxcarts rumbled towards the market and he could detect a group of little boys approaching a lesser temple.

Jahi shook his head as he noticed a slim figure climbing the steps to the top tier of the temple where he stood. Sanura, 'kitten' in English. He allowed himself a small smile because she was so aptly named. With her black hair and green eyes she looked like the human embodiment of the elegant temple cats. And she was just as wayward.

How many times had he chided her for not wearing a cape or shawl? And today was no exception. The simple linen kalisiris left her arms bare to the sun, hugging her slender form with the pleated material, cinched around the waist with a simple belt of leather. For a moment he was glad she had forgotten to cover herself properly again as he watched her climb up, enjoying the movement of her limbs beneath the thin white dress.

"Sanura, you disobeyed again."

His stern voice made her stop short of the top step and she bowed her head. Her arms folded around her waist, as if she needed to hold herself against his anger. He knew he had been harsh with her on a number of occasions, but he had his reasons. In his mind he recited the justification, he had his reasons.

"Come." Jahi turned without waiting to see if the young priestess would obey him. She would.

The top level of the temple consisted of a colonnade running the breadth of the temple, giving shade to those who managed to climb all the way to the top. On either side the arcade swept back into a walkway carved out into the rock, embracing an open space behind the shaded entrance. The sun beat down directly into the potted garden, doing his best to burn the swaying fronds off of the date palms, dry up the poppies planted around the small basin in the middle.

Jahi entered the walkway to the right, glanced for a moment at the beautiful small garden and continued on. Following the marble steps that led down into the mountain he brought Sanura to a little cubicle at the foot of the steps.

"This will be your sleeping place for the next cycles. Since you have been chosen as initiate I expect you to behave properly."

"I will, dignified one." Sanura's voice was soft and full of remorse, but her eyes sparkled with the excitement of being the chosen one.

Jahi allowed her a few moments to take in her new home for the next turning of the moon or more. The rock kept out the heat but in winter it could be cold and unforgiving, as the walls were bare. Since the girl was supposed to be devoting herself to learning and honing her awareness nothing inside should detract from it. The sole furnishing was a pallet with a straw mattress, covered with plain unbleached cloth.

"I'll show you the way."

Jahi knew he was being harsh again, but he couldn't help it. Apart from wanting the girl to succeed as the new high priestess, he was desperate to keep himself apart from her. She was highly intuitive, an obvious choice to be initiated into the secrets of the cards. It wouldn't do to confuse her training with intimate knowledge of his mature body. He sighed. How he wished things were different. Her smooth, golden skin would be beautiful against his darker, tougher hide. His tall, lean frame embracing her softer, rounder form.

Abruptly Jahi cleared his throat, dispelling the enticing images from his mind. He stepped aside and gestured Sanura inside the proper temple quarters, showing her the place for eating, for cleaning her body and for praying. Finally he led her out again, continuing along the curve around the inner garden till they came to the back of it. There, hacked out from the sheer face of the mountain stood a sturdy wooden door, which was adorned with the Eye of Horus.

"Sanura, observe the symbol. Can you explain why this hall - and no other - is guarded with such a door?" Jahi's voice was a bit less cold as he looked at the young woman.

* * *

Sanura looked at the large painting in gold and blue and nodded her head. She glanced at Jahi for a moment, biting her lip as she saw his dark eyes resting squarely on her face. Waiting for her words. She knew the right explanation would gain her entrance, give her the right to study what was behind the door, striving to become the new high priestess, to turn into Sameref.

"The Eye is not only the symbol of Horus, son of Isis and Osiris, it's also the reminder of the way the heqat is made up of fractions. It helps us remember the fractions. The six elements of the symbol are also the representation of the six senses. It shows us touch, taste, hearing, thought, sight and smell. And lastly the Eye guards us against evil, watching our spiritual growth."

"Yes, it does all that." Jahi's answer was a soft breath as he pushed the door open. "Enter Sanura."

Behind the door was a large rectangular hall, the floor a smooth marble. White with faint purple and pink veins, but all attention was drawn toward the paintings that decorated the walls. Each wall was divided into seven panels, beautiful images that depicted the Major Arcana, the sacred cards of the Tarot. The long wall to the left carried the first seven paintings, the ones devoted to life on earth. Opposite, on the wall to the right of the door were the next seven panels, the ones dealing with the judgement after death, and on the short wall, face-to-face with the door were the last seven panels, the images that showed life after death.

With a small frown between the elegant line of her dark eyebrows, Sanura counted the panels. She turned to ask Jahi why there were only twenty-one panels when she noticed the backside of the door. There, painted on the polished wood, was the twenty-second card, Hotep. The fool of the deck who insured peace and happiness. The beginning and the end. How befitting that he adorned the door. Beneath his feet were painted the four suits.

Sanura walked back and reached out. With reverent fingers she traced the golden Ankh, sign of life, symbolizing confirmation. Next to it was a vibrant blue and black beetle, the Scarab, the sustaining force of the spirit. Almost in trance, Sanura's fingers traced the symbols below these two; the purple club, Ded; the spine of Osiris for physical strength; and, finally, the ocher and red cup of Heset, symbol for transformation.

A small sigh escaped her lips as she turned back to look at the high priest. She knew he wanted her to succeed, but she wished he would be a little less aloof, a bit more human. Inwardly she smiled as she thought of the possibility he had molded himself to resemble his name. Jahi, the dignified one.

Answering his gesture she reached his side as he led her around the hall. Showing her the paintings, explaining their significance, telling her she would need to absorb all, learn to use all her senses in dealing with the cards, getting in touch with all aspects of their meaning in order to become a true high priestess. Casting the cards and guarding the people from mistaken actions, guiding them in their troubles, she would shoulder a heavy burden once she was installed.

Sanura nodded her understanding. Of course she knew all that. Just as she was familiar with the broad outline of the Tarot. But this was the first time she was permitted to see it all, to take in the beautiful colors, the precise and clear lines of the images.

She was aware how Jahi told her she would have at least one moon cycle to prepare herself. If necessary she could apply for more time, but one cycle would be best. She also heard Jahi leave her, the door closing behind him with a soft thud. But all the while her attention was focussed on the images of gods and goddesses, some there to guide and help, others to test and devour.

Although the door shut out the sun the hall was lighted from small holes above it, providing fresh air as well as illumination. Looking around, Sanura decided to light the oil lamps to give her a clearer sight. Then she made another tour. Jahi had left it to her how to proceed in her studying, clearly expecting her to get guidance from the gods if she really were worthy. Slowly Sanura walked from one panel to the next. Starting at the left side of the door she came face to face with the first of the seven cards, the ones portraying life on earth.

With her head to the side she looked at Bes, god of the home and travelers. Bes loved music and jokes. He was the embodiment of the prankster. At first sight Sanura saw an ugly dwarf. A small, sturdy man with a broad mouth and slightly bowed legs. His dark hair was streaked with white and sported a colorful feather. Around his shoulders was a leopard skin. It was the only clothing on his body, leaving his impressive male attributes uncovered.

Sanura studied Bes for a long time. Trying to take in all that he symbolized, striving to use all the senses. Somehow she came back to touch, every time she tried to think of smell or hearing or any other sense. No matter his grotesque appearance, the god was still able to kindle a small spark in her belly. Shaking her head, Sanura finally walked away, chiding herself for getting aroused by the thought of Bes using his big, fat cock on her.

The second image represented Sameref, the high priestess. Sanura absorbed the image of the slim woman, her dark hair unbound, clad in a thin dress that did nothing to disguise her body. It only enhanced her small perky breasts and soft smooth mound. The thought that she herself could become that woman was faintly disturbing but it did nothing to dispel the effect Bes had on her.

With a sigh, Sanura stepped to the next panel. The high priestess would have to wait for a while. She knew it was supposed to symbolize the connection between humans and gods. It reflected her own task after all. Aiding in communicating with the gods. She merely wished it could be done in a less revealing dress.

The third image evoked an immediate awe. Sanura had no trouble recognizing Isis, a beautiful woman who faced to the right as befitted a queen. She was kneeling, her hands held up as if warding off evil or supplicating to another.

Next was Osiris, the ultimate pharaoh. Just like his sister facing to the right, the god was seated on a carved throne, carrying the symbols of his rulership. On his head the double crown of Upper and Lower Egypt.

Number five was Joemtef, the high priest. With a slight frown Sanura gazed at the panel. Joemtef was represented by a tall man, lean with a dark skin. He wore a simple white kalisiris, the white cloth draped around his hips, with a leopard skin across his shoulders. The skin reminded her of Bes. Odd that a priest should wear the same adornments as a god. Joemtef held a knocker in the form of an ibis in his hand. His means to attract the attention of the gods. He was supposed to provide entrance to their realm.

The next panel was a little less clear. She remembered Jahi telling her it was called Hathor. But a first glance showed her two persons with a pole between them. The only thing to indicate Hathor was the head of a cow on top of the pole. Hathor, the nurturing mother, the symbol of love. How these two lovers symbolized the goddess eluded her and she moved to the last of the panels for life on earth.

Nesjmet. The boat was a beautiful image of a barge, ready to carry the soul of the dead across the gulf of nothingness between life and afterlife. Leaning a bit forward she could see tiny figures of shabti, the servants for afterlife, depicted inside the boat, ready to execute tasks for the mummy who rested at the bottom. Nesjmet, change in every meaning of the word.

Sanura took a step back and rubbed a hand across her forehead. A look at the light from the holes above the door told her she had been studying the panels for a long time. Reluctantly she left the rest of them for the next day.

After dousing the lamps she closed the door behind her. There was no need for a lock, who would transgress beneath the Eye of Horus? With a shy gesture Sanura touched the symbol, following the lines with her fingers, telling herself it was all right to touch. After all, that was one of the senses she was supposed to use, wasn't it?

Suddenly very tired, Sanura slipped into her little cubicle after washing and eating. A very quick prayer to Bes, asking for a restorative sleep, was all before she curled up on her austere bed. Soon the only sound was her breathing and the occasional rustling of the straw beneath the sheets when she turned.

Near dawn, another sound added itself. Soft footsteps halted beside the simple resting-place. Although there was no other sound, it was obvious someone was watching the sleeping priestess. To Jahi she had seemed like a girl, she was after all almost twenty years younger, but the one watching her now merely saw a woman, young and alluring.

Dark eyes studied the slender limbs with the golden skin, the eyebrows that looked as if painted on her triangular face with the lightly slanted eyes. He knew they were green, he had seen her looking at him today. A grin split the broad face as he touched himself. She had been looking all right. Oh, yes, she had.

He was not sure why, but her scrutiny or maybe her involuntary reaction to his image had evoked him. And when she prayed for sleep to restore her for another day of studying and scrutinizing, he could not resist his urge to play a trick on her. Well, on his fellow deities as well. They could be so stuffy at times, so full of themselves. It was not as if he would disrupt anything important. He knew as well as the rest of them, this young woman were destined to be the new Sameref, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that. Just a small prank, no more.

A quick gesture of his large hands as they traced the form of her, no more than inches above her body. The air sparkled for a moment, faint white pinpoints settling in the lush black hair, sinking below the smooth skin of her brow. Anticipating a lot of entertainment over the next few days, Bes skipped out of the room again. His sturdy legs carrying him silently back to the hall behind the Eye of Horus.

Refreshed Sanura got up with the dawn, rising with the sun, mighty Ra himself. With a small smile she reminded herself that Ra was number nineteen, part of the last seven, the cards devoted to the afterlife. Donning a simple dress in pale green, she looked like reeds of papyrus as she drifted through the arcade, on her way to the kitchens to take away some bread. Together with a few chunks of cheese and a pitcher of barley beer it would serve as an ample breakfast, enough to sustain her for most of the day.

Eager to continue her perusal in the Hall of Cards, Sanura hurried down the arcade, the pitcher of beer balancing on her shoulder, the bread and cheese in a cloth bundle dangling from her hand. She was already near the door when the whip of a voice halted her.

"Sanura! Are you a servant now? Trying to feel like a slave, perhaps?" Jahi was furious.

With something like despair he raked his hands through his hair. How was she ever to become a dignified, respected high priestess if she kept behaving like a commoner or, worse, like a slave? His lips tightened into an angry scowl.

"You know perfectly well there are enough servants to do your bidding. I've told you before, it's not seemly for a priestess of your stature to carry things." After a short pause he continued. "If I see you doing this one more time, I swear I'll make you regret it."

Obviously still fuming Jahi turned on his heels and stamped back down the arcade. Never even saying why he was there in the first place. His task probably forgotten in the anger over Sanura's behavior.

Heaving a massive sigh, Sanura opened the door and slipped inside the hall. For a moment she hesitated and then she decided to close the door behind her. She would have liked to let the sunshine in, but she didn't think it wise to anger Jahi any further. The pitcher of beer was still cool and she closed her eyes as she took a long draught, enjoying the flow of the liquid down her throat. Next she nibbled from the bread and cheese while her eyes took in the first seven panels.

Quickly she skimmed over the image of Bes; a sudden blush coloring her cheeks a warm pink. A vague memory stirred in the back of her mind. Had she been dreaming of Bes? She wasn't sure, but the picture made her uncomfortable for some reason.

After she finished her breakfast Sanura climbed to her feet and started to walk along the wall to the right of the door. Looking at the seven panels depicting the judgement after life on earth was done. Like the ones on the left wall, all were done in vibrant colors and with obvious skill.

Number eight, across from Bes, was Toth. The god who supervised the measuring of the dead, carried his pen and ink for writing down the judgements. Sanura shivered as she gazed upon the stern image, even though his face was the head of an ibis.

Ma'at was next, number nine. The goddess symbolized the order of the world, representing the measure stick of eternal values. She was painted as an introvert woman, wrapped in a blue cloak, sitting in one of the scales used in the final judgement. As Toth faced to the left and Ma'at faced to the right, both deities faced each other.

With a frown Sanura turned around; of the first seven panels only Sameref, the high priestess looked to the left. It made her look at Bes, who faced straight ahead. Quickly Sanura turned back to the panels at her back. The grotesque image was very unsettling for some reason.

The panel for number ten depicted Sjai, the wheel of fortune. The god who represented the forces of change and growth, was shown as a big yellow circle, filled with all life had to offer. Animals, plants, humans, it was all there. For good or for evil, everything had to change on a regular basis.

The heat of midday was kept out of the hall, but the dry scent of sunbaked dust drifted in through the ventilation holes and Sanura decided to take a short break, sip some beer and watch the garden for a few moments, contemplating the images she had studied. A small smile crept around her full lips as she carried the remains of her breakfast with her.

The narrow path in front of the door was perfect for sitting down and letting her legs dangle. The drop into the garden was small, but she thought it would be unwise right now. Jahi had been so very angry. Jumping down like a playful girl would make it worse, she was sure. And only the gods knew what kind of punishment he would come up with.

Her white teeth bit into the remaining bread as her eyes swept over the secluded garden. The heat of midday made the air motionless, the light glaring back from the tiles and bouncing off the small pond in the middle. It would need filling again by the end of the day, like always. The chore was perfect for doing penance and so there was never a shortage of men carrying water up the mountain, providing the temple and its occupants with the life preserving liquid.

Slowly the heat and the stillness got to her and after a while Sanura sat nodding, her thoughts drifting in lazy circles and arabesques, forming absurd patterns in her mind. She was not really asleep, her eyes were just heavy and she could still hear the footsteps that came her way. The sandals slapping on the marble walkway of the arcade sounded forceful, but she was too languid to really care.

"Sanura!" The angry voice hissed in exasperation. "You really have gone too far this time. Leaving the Hall of Cards open to anyone coming this way."

With a sigh Sanura forced herself to look up at a livid Jahi. Unable to sit up, she waved a hand at the open door behind her.

"Nobody ever comes this way, Jahi. Besides, the gods will take care of themselves. They don't mind." With a smile she added: "In fact, I think they like getting a bit of sunlight in there."

"That's not the point, and you know it. You behave irresponsibly. How will you ever become focused enough?"

"Oh, come on, Jahi. It's not that bad. I mean, irresponsible." Sanura laughed softly. "It's not as if I'm seducing you, for example."

Sanura couldn't believe her own audacity. Now, where had that thought come from? For a moment she wondered why she had said that. The bright flush that crept over Jahi's face caught her attention however, and she forgot the odd occurrence.

"Jahi? You look as if you wouldn't mind that at all ... Oh, my."

Her voice was no more than a soft breath as one of her hands crept to her neck and softly stroked down the smooth column.

Jahi watched her through narrowed eyes, his jaws clenched and his hands balled into fists. She lifted one leg and planted the small sandalled foot on the ground, leaving the other dangling so the plaids in the green dress fell down between her legs, baring her thigh to his gaze.

"Do you want to be treated like a slave? Stop it, Sanura." His voice had dropped to a soft, low growl.

Licking his lips Jahi looked as if he had to force himself to turn around. He breathed deeply, in and out, obviously trying to keep himself under control, but it seemed very hard. Real hard, judging by the bulge starting between his legs.

"I don't know, Jahi. How would you treat a slave?"

Jahi blinked, for a moment looking as if he were dreaming. He stood rigid, his spine stiff as if he had swallowed a barging pole, his fists so tight he could feel his nails digging into his palms. Then something seemed to shift inside him. Maybe because all of his blood appeared to pool between his legs.

Turning around he took a few steps and leaned down to Sanura. He grabbed her arms and hauled her to her feet. Not a difficult task, as she was a slender woman, barely reaching to his breastbone.

"How I treat a slave? I'll show you." His voice was almost savage.

He looked into her face, no doubt seeing the gleam in her eyes, noting the faint blush on her cheeks. Never before had she looked like this at him, but she couldn't stop herself. Very deliberately he hooked his fingers between her breasts under the dress and yanked the top half down to her waist.

"Slaves do not cover themselves."

Sanura stood transfixed. She didn't even try to hide from those burning eyes, feeling strangely excited by the obvious admiration. Never before had she bared her breasts in public, not since she had turned into a woman. But she was feeling no shame, more something like pride in her body, wanting to show herself.

"Take it off. All of it."

Jahi's hands left her arms to give her freedom enough to unwind the soft green fabric from around her hips. They slid up to her shoulders however, caressing the soft skin over her collarbones, stroking her neck and getting hold of her long black hair.

He pulled her head back and forced her to take a few steps away from him. Giving him an unobstructed view of her supple body. She knew her skin was smooth and golden, but she had not been prepared for the effect of his eyes on her small breasts topped with dark nipples that were starting to harden under his scrutiny. Where her legs met his eyes lingered on the small trimmed patch of black that left the beginning of her slit bare.

He licked his lips and heaved a massive sigh. "Gods, you are so beautiful. There's no doubt about it now. I will treat you like a slave." One of his hands folded around her neck to pull her closer again. "But a treasured one."

His lips met hers with a force that left her breathless. The heat from his body so close to hers was seeping into her and she lifted her hands to ward him off. His kiss was taking her down another road however. Her hands slid from his chest to his shoulders. And when his tongue traced her mouth and gained entrance, her body moved closer to his of its own accord.

"No." Jahi pushed her back. "I told you. I'll treat you like a slave. This will not be about you, but about me first. And, I want to look at your body."

Even though Sanura could tell he was aroused, his eyes were still angry too. With both hands around her upper arms he pushed her back till she felt the wood of the door against her bare back. For a fleeting moment she imagined her buttocks touching the drawings of Ded and Heset, physical strength and transformation, and it seemed strangely appropriate.

The minute she was backed up against the open door though, Jahi let his hands trail down her body. His fingers lightly stroking the soft skin between her breasts, circling her bellybutton and tracing her hipbones till he grasped her thighs. He was almost savage as he forced her legs apart but Sanura was not in the least interested in opposing him.

Standing in the small corridor in front of the Hall of Cards, naked in the reflected light from the heat shimmering garden, she felt desirable, aroused like never before. The warmth between her legs turned into a steady throb, almost shouting for attention. But Jahi had said it wasn't about her, but all about him. It was his way of punishing her, forcing her into the role of a slave, if only for a few moments.

Sanura bit her lip as Jahi finally decided to touch her properly. Both his hands cupped her breasts, his thumbs rubbing her nipples, teasing the dark tips to hard peaks, causing jolts of fire to speed to her clit, making it throb even more as he pinched them.

The first moans coming from Sanura seemed to jolt Jahi back from his cloud of anger and lust. He blinked a few times but obviously the sight of her, standing naked before him, defenseless, open to his touch, her head back and her eyes closed, waiting for him to please himself with her body, was too much to resist.

Not only her voice, but her flushed face and body language all told him she was getting very aroused and with a small smile he bent his head. Sanura never saw the little triumphant lights jump into his eyes when she moaned even louder when he started sucking her nipples.

Jahi even had to still her hips with his hand as she started to move in search of him. He made it clear he was not yet ready to end the game. One hand on her hip, the other glided between her legs, discovering the heat and wetness there as his lips kept teasing the sensitive peaks of her breasts.

Slowly she felt one of his fingers slide over her slick folds. He let his finger travel back to stop at the small hard pearl near the top, softly rubbing the sensitive spot, spreading her juices around. Her scent wafted up and he inhaled deeply, emitting a deep sigh. He knew she was no virgin any more, so maybe that was why he drove his fingers inside, up as far as they would go.

Sanura almost snapped upright, throwing back her head and twisting her hips, making it clear she liked the feeling. Jahi needed no further incentive and his fingers pumped furiously inside her, causing her to whimper and plead with him to please continue. He did till he felt her clench her pussy, her legs quivering from tautly stretched muscles and her voice a low moan.

She guessed his anger was long gone as Jahi threw his arms around her and led her inside the Hall of Cards where he eased her body onto the floor, sinking down beside her. His kiss was soothing at first as his hands stroked her body. It only took him a moment however to decide he wanted to get rid of his robes as well.

Apparently he was no longer concerned with the sentiments of the gods because Jahi kissed her with all the skill and ardor of his mature body. Her smooth golden skin was gorgeous against his much darker brown, lean limbs. She could tell he watched with growing excitement how his long fingered hands caressed her perky breasts, trailed over her stomach, down the softly rounded belly and dipped between her slender legs. She was still wet and hot, and when he spread her legs she lifted her hips, whimpering softly.

"Please Jahi, fill me. Now. Please."

Jahi did. Bending her legs he slid between her softly rounded thighs and stroked his cock through her juices. When he stopped at her entrance he took a moment to position himself before he entered her in one swift movement. The sudden sensation caused her to snap open her eyes as she arched her back.

She clenched her hands around his arms as he started pumping in and out of her slick body, but her eyes were staring past his shoulder. No doubt he thought she was returning to her private world of pleasure as he built up the tempo, maybe feeling his own release near at hand.

Little did he know she was mesmerized by a pair of dark eyes, gleaming wickedly in the half-light where the god stood in the entrance of the hall. The broad face split by a grin, Bes winked at Sanura and blatantly took his swollen manhood in hand. He licked his lips and somehow conveyed the certainty that he was pleased with her, her body and her responsiveness.

The dark eyes boring into hers, the thick cock raising its purple head because of her and the knowledge Bes found her body exciting, it all added to the tension and with a shudder and a harsh cry Sanura climaxed. The spasms of her body caused Jahi to come as well and Bes had a roguish expression on his face as his seed spurted with a bow into the garden, his laughter a soft rumble as if the mountains reasserted themselves.

After a while their breathing came down to a normal level again and Sanura watched with interest how Jahi tried to get back to being a dignified priest. It was quite a fascinating exercise and she couldn't suppress a small chuckle as he had to go hunting for his robes.

Once dressed Jahi resumed his rigid posture, looking down at her where she still lay naked on the floor. She felt utterly sated and had no desire to get back to every day life yet. He opened his mouth, no doubt to lecture her some more, but something made him shut up. To her amazement he turned on his heels and marched out, not even closing the door.

Frowning Sanura propped herself up on her elbows. Was he sorry he had made love to her? Sitting up she bit her fingers as she realized just what had transpired. It had been weird, now that she thought about it. She never behaved that brash, never. So, why now?

Still deep in thought Sanura looked for her dress and, when she found the green cloth, her hands started to fold it into pleats again as best as she could. Sitting cross-legged she tried to think her way through the afternoon's events. She knew very well she had provoked Jahi, but why had she?

Jahi had always been attractive to her but unobtainable. The high priest was much too aloof, too dignified to even consider approaching him as she would other men. And Bes. The thought alone made her blush and a new spark of heat speared through her body.

Her head flew up and she looked at the entrance, but it was empty, only letting in the thinning rays of the setting sun. Next she looked over to the first panel, but nothing indicated something numinous had happened. Had she imagined the whole thing?

With an odd mixture of shame and arousal Sanura wrapped herself in the less than pristine dress and hurried out of the hall. She closed the door with care, as if she wanted to make sure nothing could escape the suddenly not so sacred room.

Cleaning her body, eating, spending some time with the young girls who were still in training for temple duties, Sanura kept herself busy till it was time to retreat to her little cubicle. No longer able to keep her mind busy with other things, her thoughts went back to the events of the afternoon. More specific, the minute she closed her eyes she saw Bes.

The ugly little bastard was leering at her, stroking his immense phallus and urging her to assume an upside down position. Resting on her shoulders with her legs in the air she looked like the female image of the Inverted One, the panel with number 12 which she had not yet studied in full.

Shocked at her own irreverent thoughts on the deity worshiped in most households in the entire kingdom, Sanura shot upright. Her eyes wide open in the darkness, her breath coming in gasps, she felt almost suffocated and threw back the thin linen sheet. After a while she calmed down again and her eyes drifted close.

The rest of her sleep was uninterrupted with unwelcome images but the compact shadow in one of the corners chuckled when one of her hands crept between her thighs to hold herself, even while sleeping. Bes was having a lot of fun, even more than he had anticipated. And he couldn't wait for her to move on with her studies.
 
Tulip,

I love your story, or at least this part. The descriptions are sound, the mood is good, the characters lively. You not only invited me to become Sanura, you insisted I do so. It helped that you gave her some traits easy to identify with, simple things like getting her own food and wanting to jump the wall. Nice touches, those- and others too. A lot of little things like that add to the immersion, at least for me.

Ok, I don't know all that much about Egyptian history or religion, so I can't say how accurate this is, but I had no trouble both picturing and believing the narration.

My only major concern is a continuity issue, this being- how long does Sanura spend reflecting upon the portraits? Reading this scene, I pictured that she walks through at a pace appropriate to a museum, less ten minutes per picture, except that first one. Afterward, I get the impression that it was many hours. She notices it's been a while too, but I didn't gather whether this surprised her, as if somehow time had passed differently than she, and I, imagined- or not.

Just after this, there is this line:
Near dawn, another sound added itself. Dawn? Did you perhaps mean dusk? Dawn would make for a long nap. Plus, later: Refreshed Sanura got up with the dawn, rising with the sun...

I also found what I thought to be three typos and a handful of areas where there may have been some redundancy. A couple clunky sentences too. All of these are minor. I'll drop you a PM. Ok, title might be a little weak too.

I guess I've sounded like a broken record in this forum, saying story after story failed to arouse me. Well, you broke that record. Sanura and Rahi have a steamy moment. The pace, level of detail, originality, believability, even with the supernatural aspect- I like it. For a relatively short buildup, this is an exceptionally hot scene. Oh, and I adore that she's not a virgin. Thank you.

Take Care,
Penny


Oh yes, you had a few questions:

My main concern: is it interesting enough to read on?
Yes.

Do I need to give more hints about what is to come?
Not knowing what is to come, how would I know?

Is the main focus of the story clear?
If the focus is to remind the rest of us how hot a good straight fuck can be, yes. Otherwise, maybe not.

Enjoy, I hope.
You hope correctly.
 
Last edited:
Bl. Tulip,

Thank you. I thoroughly enjoyed the morning read -- I should read it again and think on it before reacting, but this is a busy week so I'll give quick reactions now and try to come back later ....

Myth, magic, and history are among my passions so I am automatically in your audience with this story. I find the tale interesting and I think, as you develop the story and the series, one of the most interesting parts of it will be the tension between the Tarot/Egyptian mythologies and the very human characters. (I've recently posted a story where I played with similar tensions with very mixed success.)

You have a charming and vivid way of providing both character and exposition, and the action (their sex especially) is immediate and engaging.

I did have to encourage myself to have patience and to focus during some of the longer passages of exposition, most especially those detailing the mythology of each of the cards ... and I think we're less than half way through the deck! Thank goodness you kept short paras!

Is there any way to blend more of that necessary (I assume) information into action and interaction to create human interest? Failing that, is there any way you could spend more time building the importance of knowing the cards (for us) as well as for her -- perhaps by building in foreshadowing that will build suspense and interest for the role each card will play in the coming sections?

If you don't find some way of creating interest for those less engaged by mythology, you run the risk of boring most readers like Herman Melville does when he spends many pages describing the anatomy of a whale in 'Moby Dick.' A great book I've been assured, but because I'm not very interested in blubber, not one I'd read for pleaure. (I'm overstating to make the point. I am not bored in your case, but perhaps my prior interest sustains me as much as your writing?)

I too am a little perplexed by the transitions into, and out of, sleep. I'm just not clear on what is happening soon enough .... it should be simple to move the telling words into place.

I was very surprised when I heard she had clothing and food available! The early part of the story had made much of the spareness of her surroundings and, so far as I noticed (this is why I wish I could, and will, read it again), no mention was made of servants or the presence of any other person once Jahi had left.

I think his anger, and her character, would be clearer if the respectful distance (but presence) of others, especially servants, was made clear. Otherwise, not being familiar with this orientation ritual, it was my assumption she was to be isolated for the moon cycle with hunger and deprivation to be part of the experience, and I didn't find out I was wrong until later.

Of course, much of this has to be from your imagination, and some of this may be historically accurate. As I read, I trust you that all of the verifiable information will be correct. Or is all of this ritual an imagined rite that you have created? Just curious.

One last question/observation: I've always heard the Nile is brown (due to the load of silt it carries). Is this not true? Just an accuracy check since you describe it as blue ... I'm very willing to be wrong and, if you have tickets, I would volunteer to visit Egypt as your on-site researcher. :) :)

To summarize and answer your questions:

Yes, I'll keep reading. No, I'm not certain of where the story goes ultimately, though I assume she will grow in confidence through a number of sexual encounters and ultimately become the priestess. She and Jahi are very attractive characters. If the focus is on her development as priestess, the sex may be a distraction unless she spends more time weaving it into her 'sprititual' mission. If the focus is on the sex, and I hope it is not, the priestess initiation and schooling seems a waste.

Please feel free to ask if I'm not clear. I'll try to be back as the schedule allows! Best,

Softouch
 
Dear Tulip - whom I adore for introducing me to the delicate vice of Leonidas chocolates -

I plan to read this through and comment as I go. I hope that it helps. I will make some summary comments at the end.

Shanglan

Black Tulip said:
It's chapter 1 of a series I'm writing against the backdrop an Egyptian Tarot Deck I have and I use the images as a kind of incentive. The whole was inspired by my trip to Egypt last summer. :D

What an excellent idea! Neat concept.

It was still early in the morning but the sun was already hot, bleaching the stones of the temple and the walkways in the glare, making them uncomfortable to the touch. At the same time, the clear light seemed to magnify all life, etching everything with clear, sharp lines.

Nice opening lines - they give me a feel for the setting immediately, the sun and glare and heat of it. The paragraphs that follow are good and solid too - a nice opening that interests and entertains while setting your stage.

Small fishing boats crowded each other in the shallow waters near the banks while bigger, slower moving barges and the occasional yacht speeding along on the Pharaoh's business used the middle of the river. Near the riverbanks, he could see the fields with crops, further away the oxcarts rumbled towards the market and he could detect a group of little boys approaching a lesser temple.

I don't know if you care about grammar, and I hate to mention it much because it sometimes makes people think that I am not paying attention to the story (which I am). If you do care, however, there is a comma splice in the last sentence - second comma. (I won't mention grammar again, but let me know if you ever want a grammar edit.)

I like Sanbura's introduction as well, the playful half-exasperated, half-appreciative glance given to her. I get a good feel for her immediately. Fine writing here.

The sun beat down directly into the potted garden, doing his best to burn the swaying fronds off of the date palms, dry up the poppies planted around the small basin in the middle.

Wonderful description here - rich and tactile and visual without being overblown, and keen with attention to detail, like the sun being "his" rather than "its."

Jahi's thoughts about Sanura are good - they capture physical attraction together with duty and emotional depth and awareness. I like the relative complexity of this.

Good on the ideas and images of the religion and spirituality - accurate to what little I know, and intriguing without being so complex as to be a barrier. Teasing, in a pleasant way.

Behind the door was a large rectangular hall, the floor a smooth marble. White with faint purple and pink veins, but all attention was drawn toward the paintings that decorated the walls. Each wall was divided into seven panels, beautiful images that depicted the Major Arcana, the sacred cards of the Tarot. The long wall to the left carried the first seven paintings, the ones devoted to life on earth. Opposite, on the wall to the right of the door were the next seven panels, the ones dealing with the judgement after death, and on the short wall, face-to-face with the door were the last seven panels, the images that showed life after death.

I'm a little hesitant about the Egyptian / Tarot connection, simply because I know relatively little. I think I must be thinking of the modern / Ryder Tarot deck, which is a product of the late 1800's; I hadn't thought to associate the deck with what appears, here, to be ancient Egypt. It's giving me a little difficulty placing the time period. Your explanation of the symbols, a little later, helps a great deal in recontextualizing the iconography.

But all the while her attention was focussed on the images of gods and goddesses, some there to guide and help, others to test and devour.

Nice. Captures the ambiguity and tensions driving the modern deck in a very nice way.

With a sigh, Sanura stepped to the next panel. The high priestess would have to wait for a while. She knew it was supposed to symbolize the connection between humans and gods. It reflected her own task after all. Aiding in communicating with the gods. She merely wished it could be done in a less revealing dress.

I like the warm touch of human feeling here, and the way she swings between the divine mystery of becoming a goddess and the humble query as to whether she might wear something less revealing.

I'm reading through the section describing all of the life tarot images. I am torn. Individually they are all good descriptions, but it's hard to keep them straight from each other. I'm at five and am starting to forget the ones I have seen, which may just be me - but it's hard to keep them all in my mind with any degree of clarity. That said, I know that the number is the right number for the deck ... just wondering if she has to interact with all seven at once? If I was not reading for the SDC, I have to admit that I would be tempted to skim.

Dark eyes studied the slender limbs with the golden skin, the eyebrows that looked as if painted on her triangular face with the lightly slanted eyes. He knew they were green, he had seen her looking at him today. A grin split the broad face as he touched himself. She had been looking all right. Oh, yes, she had.

I like this introduction. It captures the essential humanity of such gods - people with very comprehensible emotions and a sense of humor as well as desire. What follows is good and playful, and has me eager to read more.

Donning a simple dress in pale green, she looked like reeds of papyrus as she drifted through the arcade, on her way to the kitchens to take away some bread. Together with a few chunks of cheese and a pitcher of barley beer it would serve as an ample breakfast, enough to sustain her for most of the day.

I very much enjoy your descriptions - this one is a good example. It's pleasantly "real," simple, and solid, yet beautiful as well.

I admit, I did feel a certain unease when I realized that we would move on to the next seven panels. I don't mind the images of the tarot, but I just find them a bit much to keep up with. They make me anxious, because I can't tel if they are going to be important to the plot and I know that I won't be able to remember them all. Just one neurotic horse's thought.

The heat of midday was kept out of the hall, but the dry scent of sunbaked dust drifted in through the ventilation holes and Sanura decided to take a short break, sip some beer and watch the garden for a few moments, contemplating the images she had studied. A small smile crept around her full lips as she carried the remains of her breakfast with her.

Good lines in and of themselves, but the break to them seemed a bit abrupt.

"Oh, come on, Jahi. It's not that bad. I mean, irresponsible." Sanura laughed softly. "It's not as if I'm seducing you, for example."

Sanura couldn't believe her own audacity. Now, where had that thought come from? For a moment she wondered why she had said that. The bright flush that crept over Jahi's face caught her attention however, and she forgot the odd occurrence.

"Jahi? You look as if you wouldn't mind that at all ... Oh, my."

I like what you did here. I admit, my first reaction to the first paragraph was "Oh, that's a bit sudden, really." Then I saw the second and it clicked - ah, Bes. Clever little bugger. I like it.

"Do you want to be treated like a slave? Stop it, Sanura." His voice had dropped to a soft, low growl.

Mmmm. Deliciously enticing.

Jahi's hands left her arms to give her freedom enough to unwind the soft green fabric from around her hips. They slid up to her shoulders however, caressing the soft skin over her collarbones, stroking her neck and getting hold of her long black hair.

I like the general trend of the actions, but the stroking and caressing here seem an odd shift from the yanking and tearing a moment ago. They have a very different emotional feel, and left me a bit conflicted on the scene.

He licked his lips and heaved a massive sigh. "Gods, you are so beautiful. There's no doubt about it now. I will treat you like a slave." One of his hands folded around her neck to pull her closer again. "But a treasured one."

Might one humbly suggest that this would be nicely show-not-tell if you simply eliminated the first two sentences of dialogue while keeping the action?

"No." Jahi pushed her back. "I told you. I'll treat you like a slave. This will not be about you, but about me first. And, I want to look at your body."

Personally, I would like to see his words trimmed down. He's in the grip of a desire powerful enough to make him violate his sense of duty and restraint; I would get the idea of that more powerfully through actions than through words.

The minute she was backed up against the open door though, Jahi let his hands trail down her body. His fingers lightly stroking the soft skin between her breasts, circling her bellybutton and tracing her hipbones till he grasped her thighs. He was almost savage as he forced her legs apart but Sanura was not in the least interested in opposing him.

This is another place where the soft and hard images of his possession mingle oddly to my eye. I understand that he's a bit torn - hence the comment on a treasured slave - but the swing in characterization in this short space is a bit wide, in my opinion, to totally work.

The central sex scene is good - good level of detail, not too heavily written, enticing without being overwhelming. I like the decision to have them go into the Hall of Cards as well, with the implied voyeurism on Bes's part as well as the eroticism of sex in a place of worship.

Little did he know she was mesmerized by a pair of dark eyes, gleaming wickedly in the half-light where the god stood in the entrance of the hall. The broad face split by a grin, Bes winked at Sanura and blatantly took his swollen manhood in hand. He licked his lips and somehow conveyed the certainty that he was pleased with her, her body and her responsiveness.

Ha! Loved it.

his laughter a soft rumble as if the mountains reasserted themselves.

Great phrase, and ...

After a while their breathing came down to a normal level again and Sanura watched with interest how Jahi tried to get back to being a dignified priest. It was quite a fascinating exercise and she couldn't suppress a small chuckle as he had to go hunting for his robes.

Wonderful. Human and amusing.

She closed the door with care, as if she wanted to make sure nothing could escape the suddenly not so sacred room.

A nice detail that captures her feelings well. It closes well, too.

On the whole, I very much enjoyed this and was eager to read more. Bes, Jahi, and Sanura all come through as interesting likable characters, and I'm intrigued and amused by Bes's playful antics. There's very little I would change here; interesting writing with a good, strong sense of physical location and a controlled and effective use of detail and description. There are a few characteristic grammatical issues that niggle a bit, but not enough to severely hinder an interesting, playful, and intriguing story. Thanks for sharing, Tulip.

Shanglan
 
Your latest contribution...

Hi BT:

I haven't been active on this thread for a while (almost a year, in fact), but it's nice to reacquaint myself by beginning with this story of yours. As for your main question, yes, I'd keep reading. You definitely drew me in and made me want to know what was going to happen next. I want to compliment you on the pacing. The rhythm of the prose is nice--I get a sense of the languid world the characters lived in and the way that the quickening of life (sex, emotion, etc.) was often at odds with the heat of the day, the slower pace of the world.

A couple of questions/comments:

1. A couple of minor details bothered me. The first was the "blue ribbon" of the Nile. In every image I can remember seeing of the Nile it was a kind of muddy brown. You said you'd been there recently, so I'll bow to your experiences and accept it as blue if it really is/was. Related to that, the yachts speeding down the middle of the river sounded a bit too modern for me. I imagined them with outboard motors zipping past sail boats and row boats. A simple way to fix that would be to add a clause about their large sails being filled or the many oars that were rowing them to make them speed along.

2. The sex is very well described and the sense of erotic tension between Sanura and Jahi works. I wonder at the phrase "perky breasts" that Sanura uses in her mind when reviewing the panels. That sounds a bit too modern for me...I have a hard time imagining an ancient Egyptian saying "perky breasts". Likewise, "clit" is a modern term and so sounds a bit modern to my ears. This is the danger, of course, of writing about the past. Putting modern words into people's mouths sounds odd, but who knows what words the ancients used for clit or cock?

3. I like the opening scene of Jahi steeling himself to not have sex with Sanura, but I wonder if this could be expanded on just a tiny bit? Is this a recurring problem for him? Has he screwed up before and ruined previous acolytes? Was he personally at risk for this behavior, i.e., was he in danger of losing his position for being a bit too involved with the candidates for high priestess? Just a thought, but it would make him even more interesting to me.

4. Like one of the previous commentors, I thought the descriptions of the panels went on too long. I began to get a sense that you were showing off just a bit--that you actually knew all of these and wanted me to know it too. I actually skipped the last few because I suspected they were more of the same and were not advancing the plot.

5. Finally, this story reminds me of a book by the great Sci-Fi author Roger Zelazny written many years ago in which the Hindu pantheon is made real in a future civilization. The book is Lord of Light. After you've finished your draft of this story you might take a look at his book to see how someone else tackled a similar problem. Zelazny was a wordsmith of the first order and his attention to detail is one of the things I've always admired in an author.

So, I hope this all helps at least a little. Keep going on this one...I'll look forward to reading more.

Allan (aka drlust)
 
BT,

An interesting concept with a lot of possibilities. In places, such as the four opening paragraphs, the writing is wonderful. I thought the sex scene was especially well done. But, there are some BUT’s.

I have no idea what this story is about.

The section is nearly over before Jahi’s role is revealed.

Jahi mentions slaves, but until Sanura visits with some of the young girls near the end of the section, no other human is mentioned.

There is a LOT of description, including those first four paragraphs. This slows the pace and, in places, means this reads more like a travelogue with a story than a story set in ancient Egypt. Others have mentioned the description of the room with the Tarot cards as being, perhaps, a bit too much. I agree.

Here are a few nit-picks.

You begin a number of paragraphs with “ly” adverbs: abruptly, suddenly, etc.

There is a fair amount of POV switching, some even within scenes and at least once, within a paragraph. None of that is a crime against the writing gods, romance writers do it all the time in love scenes, but it can confuse readers and, for what it’s worth, I noticed.

(THIS IS THE PARAGRAPH I MENTIONED
(S)Slowly she felt one of his fingers slide over her slick folds. (J)He let his finger travel back to stop at the small hard pearl near the top, softly rubbing the sensitive spot, spreading her juices around. Her scent wafted up and he inhaled deeply, emitting a deep sigh. He knew she was no virgin any more, so maybe that was why he drove his fingers inside, up as far as they would go.

There are some more nit-picky comments in the text below.

I’d hate to write a story based in ancient Egypt. There is just so much history to deal with along with constant issues of what to explain and what to let reader’s figure out. It’s a real challenge. Good luck.

Looking forward to the next installment.

Rumple

My main concern: is it interesting enough to read on?
RF: No

Do I need to give more hints about what is to come?
RF: Yes

Is the main focus of the story clear?
RF: No

----------------

Egyptian dreams - Chapter 1

It was still early in the morning but the sun was already hot, bleaching the stones of the temple and the walkways in the glare, making them uncomfortable to the touch. At the same time, the clear light seemed to magnify all life, etching everything with clear, sharp lines.

Jahi stood for a moment, looking out over the valley below the temple, seeing the blue ribbon of the Nile winding its way to the north. As always, he was amazed at the contrast between the stark emptiness of the mountains and the valley of the river, teeming with life.

Small fishing boats crowded each other in the shallow waters near the banks while bigger, slower moving barges and the occasional yacht speeding along on the Pharaoh's business used the middle of the river. Near the riverbanks, he could see the fields with crops, further away the oxcarts rumbled towards the market and he could detect a group of little boys approaching a lesser temple.

Jahi shook his head as he noticed a slim figure climbing the steps to the top tier of the temple where he stood. Sanura, 'kitten' in English. He allowed himself a small smile because she was so aptly named. With her black hair and green eyes she looked like the human embodiment of the elegant temple cats. And she was just as wayward.

How many times had he chided her for not wearing a cape or shawl? And today was no exception. The simple linen kalisiris left her arms bare to the sun, hugging her slender form with the pleated material, cinched around the waist with a simple belt of leather. For a moment he was glad she had forgotten to cover herself properly again as he watched her climb up, enjoying the movement of her limbs beneath the thin white dress. (THE FIRST FOUR PARAGRAPHS ARE VERY WELL DON, BUT IMHO, THE LAST TWO SENTENCES ARE A LITTLE AWKWARD.)

"Sanura, you disobeyed again."

His stern voice made her stop (JAS: AT THE SOUND OF HIS STERN VOICE SHE STOPPED) short of the top step and she(OMIT “SHE”) bowed her head. Her arms folded around her waist, as if she needed to hold herself against his anger. He knew he had been harsh with her on a number of occasions, but he had his reasons. In his mind he recited the justification, he had his reasons.

"Come." Jahi turned without waiting to see if the young priestess would obey him. She would(DID?).

The top level of the temple consisted of a colonnade running the breadth of the temple, (JAS: A COLONNADE RAN THE BREADTH OF THE TEMPLE’S TOP LEVEL) giving shade to those who managed to climb (JAS: OMIT THE REST OF THE SENTENCE, ADD “THAT FAR.”) all the way to the top. On either side the arcade swept back (MIGHT MOVE “ON EITHER SIDE” HERE) into a walkway carved out into the rock, embracing an open space behind the shaded entrance. The sun beat down directly into the potted garden, doing his best to burn the swaying fronds off of the date palms, dry up the poppies planted around the small basin in the middle.

Jahi entered the walkway to the right, glanced for a moment at the beautiful small garden and continued on. Following the marble steps that led down into the mountain he brought Sanura to a little cubicle at the foot of the steps.

(THIS IS A VERY SUBJECTIVE, ON THE FLY THOUGHT, BUT YOU MAY BE SPENDING A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME HERE IN THE OPENING ON DESCRIPTION AND NOT ENOUGH ON “HOOKING” THE READER.)

"This will be your sleeping place for the next cycles. Since you have been chosen as initiate I expect you to behave properly."

"I will, dignified one." Sanura's voice was soft and full of remorse, but her eyes sparkled with the excitement of being the chosen one.

Jahi allowed her a few moments to take in her new home for the next turning of the moon or more. The rock kept out the heat but in winter it could be cold and unforgiving, as the walls were bare. Since the girl was supposed to be devoting herself to learning and honing her awareness(COMMA) nothing inside should detract from it. The sole furnishing was a pallet with a straw mattress, covered with plain unbleached cloth.

"I'll show you the way."

Jahi knew he was being harsh again, but he couldn't help it. Apart from wanting the girl to succeed as the new high priestess, he was desperate to keep himself apart from her. She was highly intuitive, an obvious choice to be initiated into the secrets of the cards. It wouldn't do to confuse her training with intimate knowledge of his mature body. He sighed. How he wished things were different. Her smooth, golden skin would be beautiful against his darker, tougher hide. His tall, lean frame embracing her softer, rounder form.

Abruptly(OMIT?) Jahi cleared his throat, dispelling the enticing images from his mind. He stepped aside and gestured Sanura inside the proper temple quarters, showing her the place for eating, for cleaning her body and for praying. Finally he led her out again, continuing along the curve around the inner garden till they came to the back of it(COULD OMIT “OF IT”). There, hacked out from the sheer face of the mountain stood a sturdy wooden door,(WAS A WOODEN DOOR HACKED OUT OF A MOUNTAIN, OR WAS IT A DOORWAY/PORTAL/OPENING?) which was adorned with the Eye of Horus.

"Sanura, observe the symbol. Can you explain why this hall - and no other - is guarded with such a door?" Jahi's voice was a bit less cold as he looked at the young woman.

--

He was not sure why, but her scrutiny or maybe (ADD “IT WAS”?) her involuntary reaction to his image had evoked him. And when she prayed for sleep to restore her for another day of studying and scrutinizing, he could not resist his(THE) urge to play a trick on her. Well, on his fellow deities as well. They could be so stuffy at times, so full of themselves. It was not as if he would disrupt anything important. He knew as well as the rest of them, this young woman were(WAS) destined to be the new Sameref, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that. Just a small prank, no more.
 
Penelope Street said:
...
My only major concern is a continuity issue, this being- how long does Sanura spend reflecting upon the portraits? Reading this scene, I pictured that she walks through at a pace appropriate to a museum, less ten minutes per picture, except that first one. Afterward, I get the impression that it was many hours. She notices it's been a while too, but I didn't gather whether this surprised her, as if somehow time had passed differently than she, and I, imagined- or not...
Hmm, seems I need to fix this. She is supposed to spend hours contemplating the things.
Just after this, there is this line:
Near dawn, another sound added itself. Dawn? Did you perhaps mean dusk? Dawn would make for a long nap. Plus, later: Refreshed Sanura got up with the dawn, rising with the sun...
Could very well be a glitch. I'll look at it.
I also found what I thought to be three typos and a handful of areas where there may have been some redundancy. A couple clunky sentences too. All of these are minor. I'll drop you a PM. Ok, title might be a little weak too.
I'm interested in any suggestion you have for a better title. I'm not very happy with it either.

Do I need to give more hints about what is to come?
Not knowing what is to come, how would I know?
That's why I said the story is about her growing into her role as high priestess and along the way she and Bes get to know each other on a more equal basis.
Enjoy, I hope.
You hope correctly.

Penny, I'm glad you liked it and your comments are very useful. Thank you.

:D
 
Softouch911 said:
....
I did have to encourage myself to have patience and to focus during some of the longer passages of exposition, most especially those detailing the mythology of each of the cards ... and I think we're less than half way through the deck! Thank goodness you kept short paras!
Well, you hit the nail on the head so to speak. That is one of my main concerns with the story as a whole. There are 22 cards in the Great Arcana. LOL
Is there any way to blend more of that necessary (I assume) information into action and interaction to create human interest? Failing that, is there any way you could spend more time building the importance of knowing the cards (for us) as well as for her -- perhaps by building in foreshadowing that will build suspense and interest for the role each card will play in the coming sections?
I'm stewing on that one. Not quite sure but perhaps I should reverse the proces? Have her dream/see and then describe the cards she dreamed about?

I too am a little perplexed by the transitions into, and out of, sleep. I'm just not clear on what is happening soon enough .... it should be simple to move the telling words into place.
I kept it vague on purpose. Is she dreaming or is she having visions? LOL Maybe I should try to find out.

I was very surprised when I heard she had clothing and food available! The early part of the story had made much of the spareness of her surroundings and, so far as I noticed (this is why I wish I could, and will, read it again), no mention was made of servants or the presence of any other person once Jahi had left.
I thought I had been clear. I'll have a look. It's a big temple complex with lots of priests and priestesses and servants and slaves. She is apart from normal temple life because of her special status. Perhaps this needs more clarification, also in view of your next comment.

I think his anger, and her character, would be clearer if the respectful distance (but presence) of others, especially servants, was made clear. Otherwise, not being familiar with this orientation ritual, it was my assumption she was to be isolated for the moon cycle with hunger and deprivation to be part of the experience, and I didn't find out I was wrong until later.

Of course, much of this has to be from your imagination, and some of this may be historically accurate. As I read, I trust you that all of the verifiable information will be correct. Or is all of this ritual an imagined rite that you have created? Just curious.
The gods and goddesses, their main characteristics and the legends are all true for as far as we can tell. The rituals are all fantasy just as the interpretation of the myths. LOL

If the focus is on her development as priestess, the sex may be a distraction unless she spends more time weaving it into her 'sprititual' mission. If the focus is on the sex, and I hope it is not, the priestess initiation and schooling seems a waste.
In short, Bes tries to confuse the issue by mixing in sex, but it serves only to enhance her understanding. Well, at least that is what I am aiming for.

Softouch, thank you very much. Your comments have pointed out some important weaknesses.

:D
 
BlackShanglan said:
...
I don't know if you care about grammar, and I hate to mention it much because it sometimes makes people think that I am not paying attention to the story (which I am). If you do care, however, there is a comma splice in the last sentence - second comma. (I won't mention grammar again, but let me know if you ever want a grammar edit.)
As a language teacher I care very much about grammar. That's why I always use an editor. :D I am so glad I can blame him for any errors you find. LOL Please feel free to point them out.
The use of the comma is especially difficult since its use is different in my own language. And I find I have a hard time getting it right, in my head that is. :rolleyes:

Wonderful description here - rich and tactile and visual without being overblown, and keen with attention to detail, like the sun being "his" rather than "its."
Ok, I'll be honest here. In my own language the sun would be a he. LOL
I'm afraid this is a case of sloppy writing turned right.

I'm a little hesitant about the Egyptian / Tarot connection, simply because I know relatively little. I think I must be thinking of the modern / Ryder Tarot deck, which is a product of the late 1800's; I hadn't thought to associate the deck with what appears, here, to be ancient Egypt. It's giving me a little difficulty placing the time period. Your explanation of the symbols, a little later, helps a great deal in recontextualizing the iconography.
LOL Now you have me switching to teacher mode.
The Tarot is very old. The first hints of its surfaced during the Middle Ages, possibly brought back from the Middle East by the Crusaders. Some say it is a concept that originated in Ancient Egypt.

I'm reading through the section describing all of the life tarot images. I am torn. Individually they are all good descriptions, but it's hard to keep them straight from each other. I'm at five and am starting to forget the ones I have seen, which may just be me - but it's hard to keep them all in my mind with any degree of clarity. That said, I know that the number is the right number for the deck ... just wondering if she has to interact with all seven at once? If I was not reading for the SDC, I have to admit that I would be tempted to skim.
This is clearly a major problem with the story. Not that it surprises me. Imagine my editor after part three. The poor man was getting a bit desperate. :D

I like this introduction. It captures the essential humanity of such gods - people with very comprehensible emotions and a sense of humor as well as desire. What follows is good and playful, and has me eager to read more.
I'm so glad you feel that way. It's part of what I wanted to create. Get her to understand that the gods are at least part human.

I admit, I did feel a certain unease when I realized that we would move on to the next seven panels. I don't mind the images of the tarot, but I just find them a bit much to keep up with. They make me anxious, because I can't tel if they are going to be important to the plot and I know that I won't be able to remember them all. Just one neurotic horse's thought.
Not just yours. It's too much.

I like what you did here. I admit, my first reaction to the first paragraph was "Oh, that's a bit sudden, really." Then I saw the second and it clicked - ah, Bes. Clever little bugger. I like it.
I'm very pleased you got that. He is supposed to be a clever little bugger.

I like the general trend of the actions, but the stroking and caressing here seem an odd shift from the yanking and tearing a moment ago. They have a very different emotional feel, and left me a bit conflicted on the scene.
I get the impression I've been doing that on more than one place in the story. I will have a good look. The problem is possibly caused by my need to make a clear choice on his kind of behavior.

On the whole, I very much enjoyed this and was eager to read more. Bes, Jahi, and Sanura all come through as interesting likable characters, and I'm intrigued and amused by Bes's playful antics. There's very little I would change here; interesting writing with a good, strong sense of physical location and a controlled and effective use of detail and description. There are a few characteristic grammatical issues that niggle a bit, but not enough to severely hinder an interesting, playful, and intriguing story.
Shanglan
Your comments have made me a very happy person. I have not answered to all of them in detail but just picked out the most important ones. On the whole you gave me a lot to work with. Thank you.
:D
 
drlust said:
...
1. A couple of minor details bothered me. The first was the "blue ribbon" of the Nile. In every image I can remember seeing of the Nile it was a kind of muddy brown. You said you'd been there recently, so I'll bow to your experiences and accept it as blue if it really is/was. Related to that, the yachts speeding down the middle of the river sounded a bit too modern for me. I imagined them with outboard motors zipping past sail boats and row boats. A simple way to fix that would be to add a clause about their large sails being filled or the many oars that were rowing them to make them speed along.
I swear, honestly, it was a green-blue color. But since you're not the only one having trouble with it, perhaps I should leave the color reference out.

Your comment on the yachts is putting the finger on a sore spot. I think I need another word here, but I can't find the right one. I can see the boats I mean but what the f*** is the proper English name for them? :mad: Perhaps I will have to settle for adding something about sails or oars.

2. The sex is very well described and the sense of erotic tension between Sanura and Jahi works. I wonder at the phrase "perky breasts" that Sanura uses in her mind when reviewing the panels. That sounds a bit too modern for me...I have a hard time imagining an ancient Egyptian saying "perky breasts". Likewise, "clit" is a modern term and so sounds a bit modern to my ears. This is the danger, of course, of writing about the past. Putting modern words into people's mouths sounds odd, but who knows what words the ancients used for clit or cock?
Hmm, I'll have a look at the words I use in relation with sexuality. I tried to be as simple as possible because of the time thing.

3. I like the opening scene of Jahi steeling himself to not have sex with Sanura, but I wonder if this could be expanded on just a tiny bit? Is this a recurring problem for him? Has he screwed up before and ruined previous acolytes? Was he personally at risk for this behavior, i.e., was he in danger of losing his position for being a bit too involved with the candidates for high priestess? Just a thought, but it would make him even more interesting to me.
That is a very interesting suggestion. Not sure, but it could be a nice side line. I'll give it some serious thought. You can be sure of that. LOL

5. Finally, this story reminds me of a book by the great Sci-Fi author Roger Zelazny written many years ago in which the Hindu pantheon is made real in a future civilization. The book is Lord of Light. After you've finished your draft of this story you might take a look at his book to see how someone else tackled a similar problem. Zelazny was a wordsmith of the first order and his attention to detail is one of the things I've always admired in an author.
I know Zelazny, of course, but I don't think I've read Lord of Light. But who knows, it's very well possible. I will wait till after I finish this undertaking before reading it however. Don't want to go plagiarizing, even if it's unconscious.
Allan (aka drlust)[/QUOTE]

Dr. Lust, very nice to have you back. And I'm glad you spend some of your time on this baby of mine. Like I said, your suggestions are valuable and I will most certainly make use of them. Thanks.

:D
 
by Rumple Foreskin
...
There is a fair amount of POV switching, some even within scenes and at least once, within a paragraph. None of that is a crime against the writing gods, romance writers do it all the time in love scenes, but it can confuse readers and, for what it’s worth, I noticed
...

Damn, I did it again, did I? :eek:

Here are a few nit-picks.
I hope you realize this kind of thing is almost begging for enlistment? :D

I really appreciate you going over the text with a fine-toothed comb. Just one thing I don't understand. What does JAS means?
Just Ask Sweetie-pie? :confused:

As for your other concerns. The description of the cards will have to be cut down considerably. And I need to think long and hard on a way to give readers a hint of what is to come.

By the way, if there's anybody with a good or even a great idea for a title: feel free!

:D

Thanks for your efforts Rumple. You could well be afraid I might be in touch. :rose:
 
Black Tulip said:
I really appreciate you going over the text with a fine-toothed comb. Just one thing I don't understand. What does JAS means?
Just Ask Sweetie-pie? :confused:

--

Thanks for your efforts Rumple. You could well be afraid I might be in touch. :rose:
No problem, BT. Feel free to touch. :heart:

As for JAS, you were close: Just A Suggestion

Rumple
 
The Nile may have been blue when and where Tulip saw it, but might the Aswan dam block the silt that once made the river brown? Or could the river be different colors at different points or in different seasons? Isn't there a branch called the Blue Nile? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. Coming as early in the tale as it does, it's probably worth researching a little more to find out and get it right.

I know Shanglan's recent masterful effort of Victorian prose is still fresh in most of our minds, but I don't mind modern language used to tell stories set in ancient times. Modern names might throw me, but not terms. Like one of the other reviewers noted, the people of ancient Egypt had words for speeding, etc- even if speeding was only five miles per hour. ;)

As for more hints regarding what will follow, I am comfortable not knowing where the story is going. I wish you hadn't even told me that Sanura would become the high priestess. You've the growth of this girl into the woman she must become, the changing nature of her relationship with Jahi, how the current high priestess will react to her eventual replacement, plus who knows what that little pervert Bes has in mind. I don't need anything else to read on with interest.

Take Care,
Penny
 
LOL You are right, Penny. There is a Blue Nile and a White Nile, but both of them are way up above the Aswan Dam. Not sure, but I think the Blue one is coming down into Egypt. I will leave the color out. It's not really necessary.

:D
 
I thought it was a very good story, especially in the way it establishes setting and tone. The feeling of ancient Egypt really comes through, all the way down to the smell of the unbaked dust. The imagery involving light is just striking

One thing jumped out at me immediately, though. This statement about her name: Sanura, 'kitten' in English. It immediately yanks us out of the mood. Who’s speaking English back then? How about just something like “Sanura—“kitten” in their tongue—etc.” Minor point but it was glaring.

Now, I’ve got to be careful here, because I’ve done a couple of ancient Egypt stories too, and in fact one of them involves possession of a priestess by a goddess, although it’s a non-Egyptian goddess. I dealt with the same problem of how an innocent girl would become a sexual temptress under a goddess’s spell, and I must say I handled it quite differently. [shameless plug: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=143193]). Anyhow, I did a bunch of research into XVIIIth dynasty and have my own conceptions of what things were like back then. I don’t want to come across as a nit-picker, but there’s a couple things I’ve got to mention just to get them off my chest.

First of all, the tarot is also a subject of deep fascination for me, and I’m familiar with the idea that the tarot deck was originally developed by the ancient Egyptians. It’s an idea that’s supported by a lot of devotees, but generally rejected by serious historians (and me too), who tend to place the origins of the Tarot in Italy in the middle of the fifteenth century. So I’ve got to say that the idea of the Egyptians having these playing cards (made of papyrus, presumably) was hard for me to swallow. But okay. Let’s not be nit-picky. It’s a story, after all, and who’s to say it didn’t happen this way?

I was also surprised to read about Jahi runing his hands through his hair. I’m pretty sure that all priests—and all noble Egyptians, for that matter—kept their bodies (and especially their heads) shaved, and wore wigs. The problem was lice.

That’s all I’ll say about that picayune stuff. Honest.

I was a little confused as to the purpose of this temple. I got a very vivid sence of its setting and feeling, but I couldn’t really understand what the temple was for or how it was used. I assume it was an oracle? A place people would come to get their futures divined by the cards? If so, I wonder if that’s all her training would consist of, just staring at pictures. I also wonder how they could have a new priestess every month. Oracles were usually “staffed” by a gifted psychic (or charlatan, depending on your beliefs). But I’m picking nits again.

I liked the bit about men constantly bringing water to replenish the pool, but other than that, the temple seemed quite deserted except for Sanura and Jahi. When he chastised her for carrying her own breakfast, I had to wonder who else was there to carry it for her. At the end there is a mention of other girls there studying for the priesthood, but if there was a mention of them earlier, I must have missed it.

I guess what I’m saying, is that I could use a better sense of the aliveness of the temple. The description at the beginning is beautiful, but once they start looking at the pictures, it sounds like they’re in a little private cave or something, a bit too convenient for a seduction.

There were two main problem in the story for me: (1) was the seduction believable? (2) Bes.

(1) For a priest, Jahi didn’t seem to put up much resistance to having sex with an acolyte in the holiest spot in the temple. I think you could have made this more believable just by seeding a few words about his attraction to her at the start, The opening, where he’s watching her approach the temple, would have been perfect. Just a few words about him noticing her curves and then forcing down his impure thoughts. That also might have added some depth and nuance to their realtionship, and explained his testiness towards her, because he was trying to control his lust.

It also seems to me that Bes must have enchanted Jahi more than he did Sanura. All she does is have the naughty idea and show some leg, and he takes it from there. I wonder if you could say something about how he suddenly became intoxicated or something as he fell under Sanura’s (Bes’s) spell?

I guess what I’m saying, is that their joining just seems a little too contrived. It doesn’t follow from what we know of their relationship. I understand that Bes waved his magic wand to make it happen, but I can’t help but think it would make a more satisfying story if we knew that there was some attraction beforehand and that Bes had just removed some inhibitions.

(2) I’m a little concerned that Bes’ entire motivation here was just to have some fun. I confess that I don’t know much about him and I had to look him up (I thought you were talking about Bast at first), and he just strikes me as very un-Egyptian in temperament, more like a Greek god that Egyptian. I guess I would have liked it better if he’d enchanted both Sanura and Jahi as a way of mocking them for their seriousness and Jahi’s self-importance, but that’s really no big deal. I just wonder, though, that if this is going to be the start of a multi-chapter work, whether him just having fun will be suitable motivation for other adventures. Maybe she could have angered him at first or something?

I guess my essential uneasiness is the tension I feel between the majesty of the Tarot and the Egyptian pantheon and the idea of a mischevious god yanking Sanura’s sexual chian just for the sake of some giggles. I just don’t know how you’re going to pull that off as a series.

But really, these things are very nit-picky. I really thought this was a lovely story, and captures the spirit of the ancient world very very well, and a Shanglan pointed out, there are some really lovely touches. A very good job.

---dr.M..
 
Last edited:
Hi, BT. Sorry to be so late chiming in, but this is a pretty long story and I went over it multiple times. I enjoyed it and I hope you will continue with it but I did notice several things:

I noticed sentence fragments in several places in the narration. Here are two examples:

Her smooth, golden skin would be beautiful against his darker, tougher hide. His tall, lean frame embracing her softer, rounder form.

Never even saying why he was there in the first place. His task probably forgotten in the anger over Sanura's behavior.


For proper sentence structure, these two examples should each have been combined in one sentence. I don’t know if this is a deliberate part of your writing style or not but if it is, it is not effective.

This is the first line of the story:

It was still early in the morning but the sun was already hot, bleaching the stones of the temple and the walkways in the glare, making them uncomfortable to the touch.

The sun bleaching something would not make it uncomfortable to the touch. Maybe you should say “baking”.

Near the riverbanks, he could see the fields with crops, FURTHER away the oxcarts rumbled towards the market and he could detect a group of little boys approaching a lesser temple.

The capitalized word should be “FARTHER”. “Detect” as you use it here is technically correct but the word is usually used when making scientific observations, not ordinary seeing or hearing something. Instead of “could detect”, just say “saw” or “spied” or “observed”.

The sun beat down directly into the potted garden, doing HIS best to burn the swaying fronds off of the date palms AND dry up the poppies planted around the small basin in the middle.

Since the sun has no gender, the neuter “its” should replace “his”. I have added the conjunction and deleted the comma that was there.

Jahi entered the walkway to the right, glanced for a moment at the beautiful small garden and continued on. Following the marble STEPS that led down into the mountain he brought Sanura to a little cubicle at the foot of the STEPS.

You have the same word twice in one sentence. You can avoid this by replacing the first one with “stairway” or by omitting the last prep. phrase.

You mention Tarot Cards. Are they really that old?

was not as if he would disrupt anything important. He knew as well as the rest of them, this young woman WERE destined to be the new Sameref, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that. Just a small prank, no more.

The word in caps should be “was”. There should be a semicolon between “Samaref” and “he” or else a sentence break.

[/b]Refreshed Sanura got up with the dawn, rising with the sun, mighty Ra himself. With a small smile she reminded herself that Ra was number nineteen, part of the last seven, the cards devoted to the afterlife. Donning a simple dress in pale green, she looked like reeds of papyrus as she drifted through the arcade, on her way to the kitchens to take away some bread. Together with a few chunks of cheese and a pitcher of barley beer it would serve as an ample breakfast, enough to sustain her for most of the day.[/b]

Where did she get the change of clothing. Would she have brought it with her the previous day? Since she had not been aware of the change of her sleeping quarters, why would she have brought a change of clothing?.

"Sanura! Are you a servant now? Trying to feel like a slave, perhaps?" Jahi was furious.

Would he really have gotten so pissed off over this? She was just trying to save time because serving herself would be faster than having somebody wait on her.

Number eight, across from Bes, was Toth. The god who supervised the measuring of the dead, carried his pen and ink for writing down the judgements. Sanura shivered as she gazed upon the stern image, even though his face was the head of an ibis.

How can an ibis have a stern image?

"Oh, come on, Jahi. It's not that bad. I mean, irresponsible." Sanura laughed softly. "It's not as if I'm seducing you, for example."

You need a question after “irresponsible”. She is questioning his choice of words.

Licking his lips Jahi looked as if he had to force himself to turn around. He breathed deeply, in and out, obviously trying to keep himself under control, but it seemed very hard. Real hard, judging by the bulge starting between his legs.

The word “very” is redundant here and “real” should be “really” or “very”. This is a good double entendre.

Jahi blinked, for a moment looking as if he were dreaming. He stood rigid, his spine stiff as if he had swallowed a barging pole, his fists so tight he could feel his nails digging into his palms. Then something seemed to shift inside him. Maybe because all of his blood appeared to pool between his legs.

Technically, that last sentence is ungrammatical, as a fragment, but I think it belongs just like that.

"How I treat a slave? I'll show you." His voice was almost savage.

The omitted word is probably a typo.

Jahi's hands left her arms to give her freedom enough to unwind the soft green fabric from around her hips. They slid up to her shoulders however, caressing the soft skin over her collarbones, stroking her neck and getting hold of her long black hair.

I had to read this over before I realized what you were saying. I might read better as: Jahi released her arms…..His hands slid up to…..

Even though Sanura could tell he was aroused, his eyes were still angry too. With both hands around her upper arms he pushed her back till she felt the wood of the door against her bare back. For a fleeting moment she imagined her buttocks touching the DRAWINGS of Ded and Heset, physical strength and transformation, and it seemed strangely appropriate.

You should probably continue to call them paintings. Wouldn’t those two gods be part of the life-on-Earth group?

Even though Sanura could tell he was aroused, his eyes were still angry too. With both hands around her upper arms he pushed her back till she felt the wood of the door against her bare back. For a fleeting moment she imagined her buttocks touching the drawings of Ded and Heset, physical strength and transformation, and it seemed strangely appropriate.

The minute she was backed up against the open door though, Jahi let his hands trail down her body. His fingers lightly stroking the soft skin between her breasts, circling her BELLYBUTTON and tracing her hipbones till he grasped her thighs. He was almost savage as he forced her legs apart but Sanura was not in the least interested in opposing him.


At first she had the wood of the door at her back, then suddenly it was the opening. What happened to the door? “Bellybutton” is a child’s word. “Navel” would be more appropriate.

She guessed his anger was long gone as Jahi threw his arms around her and led her inside the Hall of Cards where he eased her body onto the floor, sinking down beside her. His kiss was soothing at first as his hands stroked her body. It only took him a moment however to decide he wanted to get rid of his robes as well.

“However” serves no purpose in that paragraph.

The rest of her sleep was uninterrupted with unwelcome images but the compact shadow in one of the corners chuckled when one of her hands crept between her thighs to hold herself, even while sleeping. Bes was having a lot of fun, even more than he had anticipated. And he couldn't wait for her to move on with her studies.

That first sentence is awkward. How about: “No more unwelcome images interrupted her sleep but the compact shadow……..”

All in all, I really enjoyed the story and I would definitely continue with it. The last sentence gives a hint of what is to transpire, without giving it away.

The main focus is clear. Sanura and Jahi will continue their sexual relationship, under the influence of Bes. Where that will lead to remains to be seen.
 
Some good catches by Boxlicker, but I must disagree on a few points.

Boxlicker101 said:
The sun beat down directly into the potted garden, doing HIS best to burn the swaying fronds off of the date palms AND dry up the poppies planted around the small basin in the middle.
Since the sun has no gender, the neuter “its” should replace “his”. I have added the conjunction and deleted the comma that was there.
Usually the sun doesn't have a gender, but in the context of this story the sun is associated with Ra, a male. I thought referring to the sun as a masculine entity was one of the many clever subtleties within this story.


Boxlicker101 said:
"Sanura! Are you a servant now? Trying to feel like a slave, perhaps?" Jahi was furious.
Would he really have gotten so pissed off over this? She was just trying to save time because serving herself would be faster than having somebody wait on her.

I like that Sanura goes to get the food herself and I like that Jahi is angry about it. To me, his response underlines the detached nature of the high priestess and how far Sanura has to go in learning to fill that role. I found the trailing Jahi was furious redundant, but that's another issue.

Take Care,
Penny
 
Last edited:
Hi, BT.
I have now been looking over sone of the comments other persons have added. Penny said:

My only major concern is a continuity issue, this being- how long does Sanura spend reflecting upon the portraits? Reading this scene, I pictured that she walks through at a pace appropriate to a museum, less ten minutes per picture, except that first one. Afterward, I get the impression that it was many hours. She notices it's been a while too, but I didn't gather whether this surprised her, as if somehow time had passed differently than she, and I, imagined- or not.

Just after this, there is this line:
Near dawn, another sound added itself. Dawn? Did you perhaps mean dusk? Dawn would make for a long nap. Plus, later: Refreshed Sanura got up with the dawn, rising with the sun...


It was clear to me that Sanura had spent all day studying the paintings but she didn't realize it until she noticed how little light was coming in the holes below the ceiling. You might make this clearer by changing this line slightly:

Sanura took a step back and rubbed a hand across her forehead. A look at the WAN light from the holes above the door told her she had been studying the panels ALL DAY. Reluctantly she left the rest of them for the next day.

That would make it clear that she was not just taking a nap; she was turning in for a night's sleep. Since it is summer and near the equator, the nights would be quite short.

Softie and some others felt you spent too much time on descriptions of the last six paintings that were studied. I would disagree. Assuming these paintings will be important in future chapters, I think they needed to be briefly introduced. There were seven paragraphs but they were all very short, between two and four lines on the thread. I don't think that's excessive, but that is assuming they will figure in future chapters. If you compress them all into just a few sentences, it will seem like you are hurrying to get to the sex part.

I agreed with what the horse whinnied.

Except for his comments about the length of the descriptions of the paintings, I also agree with what Dr. Lust said.

I am also inclined to agree with Rumps about POV changes. I had trouble following the action too. He also thought there was too much description in the first paragraphs. You could probably cut out some but a certain amount is needed to orient the readers as to time and place. As for the yachts, maybe a mention of oarsmen might suffice.

Doc M. said: One thing jumped out at me immediately, though. This statement about her name: Sanura, 'kitten' in English. It immediately yanks us out of the mood. Who’s speaking English back then? How about just something like “Sanura—“kitten” in their tongue—etc.” Minor point but it was glaring.

I agree the reference to English should go.

He also said: (1) For a priest, Jahi didn’t seem to put up much resistance to having sex with an acolyte in the holiest spot in the temple. I think you could have made this more believable just by seeding a few words about his attraction to her at the start, The opening, where he’s watching her approach the temple, would have been perfect. Just a few words about him noticing her curves and then forcing down his impure thoughts. That also might have added some depth and nuance to their realtionship, and explained his testiness towards her, because he was trying to control his lust.

Two of your earliest paragraphs say:
Jahi shook his head as he noticed a slim figure climbing the steps to the top tier of the temple where he stood. Sanura, 'kitten' in English. He allowed himself a small smile because she was so aptly named. With her black hair and green eyes she looked like the human embodiment of the elegant temple cats. And she was just as wayward.

How many times had he chided her for not wearing a cape or shawl? And today was no exception. The simple linen kalisiris left her arms bare to the sun, hugging her slender form with the pleated material, cinched around the waist with a simple belt of leather. For a moment he was glad she had forgotten to cover herself properly again as he watched her climb up, enjoying the movement of her limbs beneath the thin white dress.


That describes a physical attraction and there are other hints of it further on. If I had been writing, I would have gone into some detail about the allure of her succulent breasts moving under the dress and her curvacious buttocks straining at the thin fabric but, then, I write smut.

I don't think Bes enchanted Jahi. He did enchant Sanura and the enchantment somehow attached itself to the priest. As for how this could happen, well, he is a god.

As I said earlier, I enjoyed reading the story so far. It could be a stand-alone story but I think it goes better as the first chapter of a longer work.
 
Rumple said:
There is a fair amount of POV switching, some even within scenes and at least once, within a paragraph. None of that is a crime against the writing gods, romance writers do it all the time in love scenes, but it can confuse readers and, for what it’s worth, I noticed.
Boxlicker said:
I am also inclined to agree with Rumps about POV changes. I had trouble following the action too.
This isn't meant as a dig or a slam, but is being bothered by POV-switching a 'guy thing'? When I'm reading strictly for pleasure, and I did find this story a most pleasant read, I don't even notice changes in POV. I get the impression Tulip didn't notice when she wrote it either. One of my primary editors has a similar complaint when I swap POVs; he has a hard time following the action. So, seriously, is this something that bothers men much more than women?


dr mabeuse said:
It also seems to me that Bes must have enchanted Jahi more than he did Sanura. All she does is have the naughty idea and show some leg, and he takes it from there.
Yeah? Sounds like a normal guy to me; what's the problem?
Ok, that was a little dig, just for example, of course. :D


Boxlicker said:
Since it is summer and near the equator, the nights would be quite short.
I've lived far enough north where January can come and go without the temperature ever getting above freezing. In the winter, the shadows are long by mid-afternoon. In the summer the sun doesn't set until near midnight. Since the length of the night varies so much with the season near the poles, I should imagine the night length doesn't change much at all near the equator. Come to think of it, when is it summer at the equator?


Boxlicker said:
It was clear to me that Sanura had spent all day studying the paintings but she didn't realize it until she noticed how little light was coming in the holes below the ceiling.
Perhaps what caused me to wonder about the passage of time was the brevity of the descriptions for the last handful of pictures. As short as these descriptions are, I'm surprised they bored anyone. Reading it again, I think it works as is, although it could perhaps be a little clearer. The two references to dawn confused me more than the passage of the day, but now that I read this part again, I think this more a case of poor reading on my part than any problem with the text.

Take Care,
Penny
 
I've only had time to read and remark on half of this story so far, BT. I apologize. I like what I have read to this point. I've made comments as I went, and I'll finish it later, I promise, but I wanted to go ahead and post what I have. Suggestions in blue, edit in red.

Keep up the good work, you have one hell of an imagination! :kiss:


Egyptian dreams - Chapter 1

It was still early in the morning but the sun was already hot, bleaching the stones of the temple and the walkways in the glare, making them uncomfortable to the touch. At the same time, the clear light seemed to magnify all life, etching everything with clear, sharp lines.

Jahi stood for a moment, looking out over the valley below the temple, seeing the blue ribbon of the Nile winding its way to the north. As always, he was amazed at the contrast between the stark emptiness of the mountains and the valley of the river, teeming with life.

Small fishing boats crowded each other in the shallow waters near the banks while bigger, slower moving barges and the occasional yacht speeding along on the Pharaoh's business used the middle of the river. Near the riverbanks, he could see the fields with crops, further away the oxcarts rumbled towards the market and he could detect a group of little boys approaching a lesser temple.

Jahi shook his head as he noticed a slim figure climbing the steps to the top tier of the temple where he stood. Sanura, 'kitten' in English. Might be a better way to incorporate this information. He allowed himself a small smile because she was so aptly named; Sanura, in English, meant ‘kitten’ (maybe?). With her black hair and green eyes she looked like the human embodiment of the elegant temple cats, and just as wayward.

How many times had he chided her for not wearing a cape or shawl? And remove and? today was no exception. The simple linen kalisiris left her arms bare to the sun, hugging and hugged? her slender form with the pleated material, cinched around the waist with a simple belt of leather. For a moment he was glad she had again forgotten to cover herself properly again (remove again) as he watched her climb up, enjoying the movement of her limbs beneath the thin white dress.

"Sanura, you disobeyed again."

His stern voice made her stop short of the top step and she bowed her head. Her arms folded around her waist, as if she needed to hold herself against his anger. His stern voice made her stop short of the top step. She bowed her head, her arms folded around her waist, as if she needed to hold herself against his anger. He knew he had been harsh with her on a number of occasions, but he had his reasons. In his mind he recited the justification, he had his reasons. Unless I missed a crucial point, I would suggest removing the first “he had his reasons”

"Come." Jahi turned without waiting to see if the young priestess would obey him. She would.

The top level of the temple consisted of a colonnade running the breadth of the temple, giving shade to those who managed to climb all the way to the top. On either side the arcade swept back into a walkway carved out into the rock, embracing an open space behind the shaded entrance. The sun beat down directly into the potted garden, doing his best to burn the swaying fronds off of the date palms, and dry up the poppies planted around the small basin in the middle.

Jahi entered the walkway to the right, glanced for a moment at the beautiful small garden and continued on. Following the marble steps that led down into the mountain he brought Sanura to a little cubicle at the foot of the steps.

"This will be your sleeping place for the next cycles. Since you have been chosen as initiate I expect you to behave properly."

"I will, dignified one." Sanura's voice was soft and full of remorse, but her eyes sparkled with the excitement of being the chosen one.

Jahi allowed her a few moments to take in her new home for the next turning of the moon or more. The rock kept out the heat but in winter it could be cold and unforgiving, as the walls were bare. Since the girl was supposed to be devoting herself to learning and honing her awareness nothing inside should detract from it. The sole furnishing was a pallet with a straw mattress, covered with plain unbleached cloth.

"I'll show you the way."

Jahi knew he was being harsh again, but he couldn't help it. Apart from wanting the girl to succeed as the new high priestess, he was desperate to keep himself apart from her. She was highly intuitive, an obvious choice to be initiated into the secrets of the cards. It wouldn't do to confuse her training with intimate knowledge of his mature body. He sighed. How he wished things were different. Her smooth, golden skin would be beautiful against his darker, tougher hide. His tall, lean frame embracing her softer, rounder form.

Abruptly Jahi cleared his throat, dispelling the enticing images from his mind. He stepped aside and gestured Sanura inside the proper temple quarters, showing her the place for eating, for cleaning her body and for praying. Finally he led her out again, continuing along the curve around the inner garden till they came to the back of it. There, hacked out from the sheer face of the mountain stood a sturdy wooden door, which was adorned with the Eye of Horus.

"Sanura, observe the symbol. Can you explain why this hall - and no other - is guarded with such a door?" Jahi's voice was a bit less cold as he looked at the young woman.

* * *

Sanura looked at the large painting in gold and blue and nodded her head. She glanced at Jahi for a moment, biting her lip as she saw his dark eyes resting squarely on her face. Waiting for her words. She knew the right explanation would gain her entrance, give her the right to study what was behind the door, striving to become the new high priestess, to turn into Sameref.

"The Eye is not only the symbol of Horus, son of Isis and Osiris, it's also the reminder of the way the heqat is made up of fractions. It helps us remember the fractions. The six elements of the symbol are also the representation of the six senses. It shows us touch, taste, hearing, thought, sight and smell. And lastly the Eye guards us against evil, watching our spiritual growth."

"Yes, it does all that." Jahi's answer was a soft breath as he pushed the door open. "Enter Sanura."

Behind the door was a large rectangular hall, the floor a smooth marble. White with faint purple and pink veins, but all attention was drawn toward the paintings that decorated the walls. Each wall was divided into seven panels, beautiful images that depicted the Major Arcana, the sacred cards of the Tarot. The long wall to the left carried the first seven paintings, the ones devoted to life on earth. Opposite, on the wall to the right of the door were the next seven panels, the ones dealing with the judgement after death, and on the short wall, face-to-face with the door were the last seven panels, the images that showed life after death.

With a small frown between the elegant line of her dark eyebrows, Sanura counted the panels. She turned to ask Jahi why there were only twenty-one panels when she noticed the backside of the door. There, painted on the polished wood, was the twenty-second card, Hotep; the fool of the deck who insured peace and happiness. The beginning and the end. How befitting that he adorned the door. Beneath his feet were painted the four suits.

Sanura walked back and reached out. With reverent fingers she traced the golden Ankh, sign of life, symbolizing confirmation. Next to it was a vibrant blue and black beetle, the Scarab, the sustaining force of the spirit. Almost in trance, Sanura's fingers traced the symbols below these two; the purple club, Ded; the spine of Osiris for physical strength; and, finally, the ocher and red cup of Heset, symbol for transformation.

A small sigh escaped her lips as she turned back to look at the high priest. She knew he wanted her to succeed, but she wished he would be a little less aloof, a bit more human. Inwardly she smiled as she thought of the possibility he had molded himself to resemble his name. Jahi, the dignified one.

Answering his gesture she reached his side as he led her around the hall. Showing her the paintings, explaining their significance, telling her she would need to absorb all, learn to use all her senses in dealing with the cards, getting in touch with all aspects of their meaning in order to become a true high priestess. Casting the cards and guarding the people from mistaken actions, guiding them in their troubles, she would shoulder a heavy burden once she was installed.

Sanura nodded her understanding. Of course she knew all that. Just as she was familiar with the broad outline of the Tarot. But this was the first time she was permitted to see it all, to take in the beautiful colors, the precise and clear lines of the images.

She was aware how Jahi told her she would have at least one moon cycle to prepare herself. If necessary she could apply for more time, but one cycle would be best. She also heard Jahi leave her, the door closing behind him with a soft thud. But all the while her attention was focussed (focused) on the images of gods and goddesses, some there to guide and help, others to test and devour.

Although the door shut out the sun, the hall was lighted(lit) from small holes above it, providing fresh air as well as illumination. Looking around, Sanura decided to light the oil lamps to give her a clearer sight. (I know what you mean by “to give her a clearer sight”, but I think it needs to be reworded.) Then she made another tour. Jahi had left it to her how to proceed in her studying, clearly expecting her to get guidance from the gods if she really were worthy. Slowly Sanura walked from one panel to the next. Starting at the left side of the door she came face to face with the first of the seven cards, the ones portraying life on earth.

With her head to the side she looked at Bes, god of the home and travelers. Bes loved music and jokes. He was the embodiment of the prankster. At first sight Sanura saw an ugly dwarf; a small, sturdy man with a broad mouth and slightly bowed legs. His dark hair was streaked with white and sported a colorful feather. Around his shoulders was a leopard skin, the only clothing on his body, leaving his impressive male attributes uncovered. (might consider rephrasing)

Sanura studied Bes for a long time. Trying to take in all that he symbolized, striving to use all the senses. Somehow she came back to touch, every time she tried to think of smell or hearing or any other sense. (I’m not sure about this sentence, I’ve read it 3 or 4 times and it just doesn’t flow.) No matter his grotesque appearance, the god was still able to kindle a small spark in her belly. Shaking her head, Sanura finally walked away, chiding herself for getting aroused by the thought of Bes using his big, fat cock on her.

The second image represented Sameref, the high priestess. Sanura absorbed the image of the slim woman, her dark hair unbound, clad in a thin dress that did nothing to disguise her body. It only enhanced her small, perky breasts and soft, smooth mound. The thought that she herself could become that woman was faintly disturbing, but it did nothing to dispel the effect Bes had on her.

With a sigh, Sanura stepped to the next panel. The high priestess would have to wait for a while. She knew it was supposed to symbolize the connection between humans and gods. It reflected her own task after all. Aiding in communicating with the gods. She merely wished it could be done in a less revealing dress. I’m confused here. Sanura has stepped to the next panel, it’s suppose to symbolize the connection between humans and gods? After rereading it several times, I believe that Sanura is thinking of the previous panel. Right? I’d suggest rephrasing the whole paragraph if the intention is that the second panel, of the high priestess, symbolizes the connection between humans and gods. That point isn’t clear, you could mean that the third panel does, except for the next paragraph. Combining this paragraph with the prior paragraph would be an excellent way to go, ending with the statement of the high priestess having to wait, the sigh and stepping to the next panel.

The third image evoked an immediate awe. Sanura had no trouble recognizing Isis, a beautiful woman who faced to the right as befitted a queen. She was kneeling, her hands held up as if warding off evil or supplicating to another. Expand on this? IMO, it’s too short and has too little information.

Next was Osiris, the ultimate pharaoh. Just like his sister facing to the right, the god was seated on a carved throne, carrying the symbols of his rulership. On his head the double crown of Upper and Lower Egypt. Do you mean that Osiris is Isis’s brother? If so, how could he be seated on a carved throne “just like his sister” when his sister is kneeling? Clarification and expansion is my suggestion

Number five was Joemtef, the high priest. With a slight frown Sanura gazed at the panel. Joemtef was represented by a tall man, lean with a dark skin. Suggest: “Joemtef was represented by a tall, lean man with dark skin.” He wore a simple white kalisiris, the white cloth draped around his hips, with a leopard skin across his shoulders. The skin reminded her of Bes. Odd, to her mind, that a priest should wear the same adornments as a god. Joemtef held a knocker in the form of an ibis in his hand. His means to attract the attention of the gods. (suggest combining these sentences: “Joemtef held a knocker in the form of an ibis in his hand, his means of attracting the attention of the gods.” He was supposed to provide entrance to their realm.

The next panel was a little less clear. She remembered Jahi telling her it was called Hathor. But a first glance showed her two persons with a pole between them. The only thing to indicate Hathor was the head of a cow on top of the pole. Hathor, the nurturing mother, the symbol of love. How these two lovers symbolized the goddess eluded her and she moved to the last of the panels for life on earth.

Nesjmet. The boat was a beautiful image of a barge, ready to carry the soul of the dead across the gulf of nothingness between life and afterlife. Leaning a bit forward she could see tiny figures of shabti, the servants for afterlife, depicted inside the boat, ready to execute tasks for the mummy who rested at the bottom. Nesjmet, change in every meaning of the word.

Sanura took a step back and rubbed a hand across her forehead. A look at the light from the holes above the door told her she had been studying the panels for a long time. Reluctantly she left the rest of them for the next day.

After dousing the lamps she closed the door behind her. There was no need for a lock, who would transgress beneath the Eye of Horus? With a shy gesture Sanura touched the symbol, following the lines with her fingers, telling herself it was all right to touch. After all, that was one of the senses she was supposed to use, wasn't it?

Suddenly very tired, Sanura slipped into her little cubicle after washing and eating. A very quick prayer to Bes, asking for a restorative sleep, was all before she curled up on her austere bed. Soon the only sound was her breathing and the occasional rustling of the straw beneath the sheets when she turned.

Near dawn, another sound added itself. Soft footsteps halted beside the simple resting-place. Although there was no other sound, it was obvious someone was watching the sleeping priestess. To Jahi she had seemed like a girl, she was after all almost twenty years younger, but the one watching her now merely saw a woman, young and alluring.

Dark eyes studied the slender limbs with the golden skin, the eyebrows that looked as if painted on her triangular face with the lightly slanted eyes. He knew they were green, he had seen her looking at him today. A grin split the broad face as he touched himself. She had been looking all right. Oh, yes, she had.

He was not sure why, but her scrutiny or maybe her involuntary reaction to his image had evoked him. And when she prayed for sleep to restore her for another day of studying and scrutinizing, he could not resist his urge to play a trick on her. Well, on his fellow deities as well. They could be so stuffy at times, so full of themselves. It was not as if he would disrupt anything important. He knew as well as the rest of them, this young woman were was? destined to be the new Sameref, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that. Just a small prank, no more.

A quick gesture of his large hands as they traced the form of her, no more than inches above her body. The air sparkled for a moment, faint white pinpoints settling in the lush black hair, sinking below the smooth skin of her brow. Anticipating a lot of entertainment over the next few days, Bes skipped out of the room again. His sturdy legs carrying him silently back to the hall behind the Eye of Horus.

Refreshed Sanura got up with the dawn, rising with the sun, mighty Ra himself. With a small smile she reminded herself that Ra was number nineteen, part of the last seven, the cards devoted to the afterlife. Donning a simple dress in pale green, she looked like reeds of papyrus as she drifted through the arcade, on her way to the kitchens to take away some bread. Together with a few chunks of cheese and a pitcher of barley beer it would serve as an ample breakfast, enough to sustain her for most of the day.

Eager to continue her perusal in the Hall of Cards, Sanura hurried down the arcade, the pitcher of beer balancing on her shoulder, the bread and cheese in a cloth bundle dangling from her hand. She was already near the door when the whip of a voice halted her.

"Sanura! Are you a servant now? Trying to feel like a slave, perhaps?" Jahi was furious.

With something like despair he raked his hands through his hair. How was she ever to become a dignified, respected high priestess if she kept behaving like a commoner or, worse, like a slave? His lips tightened into an angry scowl.

"You know perfectly well there are enough servants to do your bidding. I've told you before, it's not seemly for a priestess of your stature to carry things." After a short pause he continued. "If I see you doing this one more time, I swear I'll make you regret it."

Obviously still fuming, Jahi turned on his heels and stamped back down the arcade. Never even saying why he was there in the first place. His task probably forgotten in the anger over Sanura's behavior.

Heaving a massive sigh, Sanura opened the door and slipped inside the hall. For a moment she hesitated and then she decided to close the door behind her. She would have liked to let the sunshine in, but she didn't think it wise to anger Jahi any further. The pitcher of beer was still cool and she closed her eyes as she took a long draught, enjoying the flow of the liquid down her throat. Next she nibbled from the bread and cheese while her eyes took in the first seven panels.

Quickly she skimmed over the image of Bes; a sudden blush coloring her cheeks a warm pink. A vague memory stirred in the back of her mind. Had she been dreaming of Bes? She wasn't sure, but the picture made her uncomfortable for some reason.

After she finished her breakfast Sanura climbed to her feet and started to walk along the wall to the right of the door. Looking at the seven panels depicting the judgement after life on earth was done. Like the ones on the left wall, all were done in vibrant colors and with obvious skill.

Number eight, across from Bes, was Toth. combine these two sentences.The god who supervised the measuring of the dead, carried his pen and ink for writing down the judgements. Sanura shivered as she gazed upon the stern image, even though his face was the head of an ibis.

Ma'at was next, number nine. The goddess symbolized the order of the world, representing the measure stick of eternal values. She was painted as an introvert woman, wrapped in a blue cloak, sitting in one of the scales used in the final judgement. As Toth faced to the left and Ma'at faced to the right, both deities faced each other.

With a frown Sanura turned around; of the first seven panels only Sameref, the high priestess looked to the left. It made her look at Bes, who faced straight ahead. Quickly Sanura turned back to the panels at her back. The grotesque image was very unsettling for some reason.

The panel for number ten depicted Sjai, the wheel of fortune. The god, who represented the forces of change and growth, was shown as a big yellow circle, filled with all life had to offer. Animals, plants, humans, it was all there. For good or for evil, everything had to change on a regular basis.
 
dr_mabeuse said:
...
One thing jumped out at me immediately, though. This statement about her name: Sanura, 'kitten' in English. It immediately yanks us out of the mood. Who’s speaking English back then? How about just something like “Sanura—“kitten” in their tongue—etc.” Minor point but it was glaring...
I agree. It's annoying. I will rephrase it, along with contemplating Penny's suggestion to have something about the kitten (in Egyptian) in the title.

Now, I’ve got to be careful here, because I’ve done a couple of ancient Egypt stories too, and in fact one of them involves possession of a priestess by a goddess, although it’s a non-Egyptian goddess. I dealt with the same problem of how an innocent girl would become a sexual temptress under a goddess’s spell, and I must say I handled it quite differently. [shameless plug: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=143193]).
I read that.

First of all, the tarot is also a subject of deep fascination for me, and I’m familiar with the idea that the tarot deck was originally developed by the ancient Egyptians. It’s an idea that’s supported by a lot of devotees, but generally rejected by serious historians (and me too), who tend to place the origins of the Tarot in Italy in the middle of the fifteenth century. So I’ve got to say that the idea of the Egyptians having these playing cards (made of papyrus, presumably) was hard for me to swallow...
Can women be pompous asses too? I'll be one for a minute. LOL
The way I see it, the Tarot is not a deck of playing cards but of divination cards. Images to meditate on the transitions humans have to go through in the course of their life. From there is not such a big step to transport the idea to the Egyptian pantheon. And I rather like to imagine them as carved on ivory.

I was also surprised to read about Jahi runing his hands through his hair. I’m pretty sure that all priests—and all noble Egyptians, for that matter—kept their bodies (and especially their heads) shaved, and wore wigs. The problem was lice.
Damn, you got me there. I'll take steps to correct that.

I was a little confused as to the purpose of this temple. I got a very vivid sence of its setting and feeling, but I couldn’t really understand what the temple was for or how it was used. I assume it was an oracle? A place people would come to get their futures divined by the cards? If so, I wonder if that’s all her training would consist of, just staring at pictures. I also wonder how they could have a new priestess every month. Oracles were usually “staffed” by a gifted psychic (or charlatan, depending on your beliefs). But I’m picking nits again.
It's not nitpicking, it shows where my thoughts jumped ahead of my writing. The oracle is only part of the temple and Sanura is supposed to be the new priestess. There is none at the moment. She already is a gifted priestess. This studying of the cards is the last step in her training. I'll see about clarifying this.

I liked the bit about men constantly bringing water to replenish the pool, but other than that, the temple seemed quite deserted except for Sanura and Jahi. When he chastised her for carrying her own breakfast, I had to wonder who else was there to carry it for her. At the end there is a mention of other girls there studying for the priesthood, but if there was a mention of them earlier, I must have missed it.
You're not the only one with this complaint. LOL

There were two main problem in the story for me: (1) was the seduction believable? (2) Bes.

(1) For a priest, Jahi didn’t seem to put up much resistance to having sex with an acolyte in the holiest spot in the temple. I think you could have made this more believable just by seeding a few words about his attraction to her at the start, The opening, where he’s watching her approach the temple, would have been perfect. Just a few words about him noticing her curves and then forcing down his impure thoughts. That also might have added some depth and nuance to their realtionship, and explained his testiness towards her, because he was trying to control his lust.
I thought I had done that, perhaps too understated.

(2) I’m a little concerned that Bes’ entire motivation here was just to have some fun. I confess that I don’t know much about him and I had to look him up (I thought you were talking about Bast at first), and he just strikes me as very un-Egyptian in temperament, more like a Greek god that Egyptian. I guess I would have liked it better if he’d enchanted both Sanura and Jahi as a way of mocking them for their seriousness and Jahi’s self-importance, but that’s really no big deal. I just wonder, though, that if this is going to be the start of a multi-chapter work, whether him just having fun will be suitable motivation for other adventures. Maybe she could have angered him at first or something?

I guess my essential uneasiness is the tension I feel between the majesty of the Tarot and the Egyptian pantheon and the idea of a mischevious god yanking Sanura’s sexual chian just for the sake of some giggles. I just don’t know how you’re going to pull that off as a series.
Well, Bes is actually using Sanura and her psychic gift to yank the chains of his fellow gods and goddesses.

Every time she dreams about the meaning of some of the cards she turns the legends or myths into sexual encounters and by her dreams the gods are forced to live them. That is the fun Bes is getting out of it.

I'm glad you thought it was a nice read.

:D
 
Boxlicker101 said:
...
I noticed sentence fragments in several places in the narration...
For proper sentence structure, these two examples should each have been combined in one sentence. I don’t know if this is a deliberate part of your writing style or not but if it is, it is not effective...
It seems to be one of my flaws. My editor is always harping on about them too.

Since the sun has no gender, the neuter “its” should replace “his”. I have added the conjunction and deleted the comma that was there.
I already confessed to the mistake being a matter of language confusion, but I will keep it this way because the sun is personified by Ra, who is male.

You mention Tarot Cards. Are they really that old?
LOL Read the discussion on that with Doc.

Where did she get the change of clothing. Would she have brought it with her the previous day? Since she had not been aware of the change of her sleeping quarters, why would she have brought a change of clothing?.
The only thing sparse is her cell for the coming moons. It's deliberate to keep from distracting her gifted thoughts from the images of the cards. The temple itself is not sparse at all. They never were in ancient Egypt. They were well stocked by the believers. And Sanura knew what she was heading into. It was no surprise to her.

How can an ibis have a stern image?
I wish I could show you what the card looks like. LOL

"How I treat a slave? I'll show you." His voice was almost savage.

The omitted word is probably a typo.
I don't understand what you mean here. Can you explain, please?

At first she had the wood of the door at her back, then suddenly it was the opening. What happened to the door? “Bellybutton” is a child’s word. “Navel” would be more appropriate.
I will have to check, but it seems you're right. :cool:

All in all, I really enjoyed the story and I would definitely continue with it. The last sentence gives a hint of what is to transpire, without giving it away.

The main focus is clear. Sanura and Jahi will continue their sexual relationship, under the influence of Bes. Where that will lead to remains to be seen.

LOL You'll be in for a surprise if you think that's the way the story will be going.

Thank you for the time and effort. I only responded to a few of the major issues you mentioned. But that does not mean all your other comments will be ignored.

:D
 
Penelope Street said:
This isn't meant as a dig or a slam, but is being bothered by POV-switching a 'guy thing'? When I'm reading strictly for pleasure, and I did find this story a most pleasant read, I don't even notice changes in POV. I get the impression Tulip didn't notice when she wrote it either. One of my primary editors has a similar complaint when I swap POVs; he has a hard time following the action. So, seriously, is this something that bothers men much more than women?
LOL I don't know, Penny. You are right that I seldom notice it when writing. I do try to fix it afterwards, though.
Because "they" make me do it. :D

Perhaps what caused me to wonder about the passage of time was the brevity of the descriptions for the last handful of pictures. As short as these descriptions are, I'm surprised they bored anyone. Reading it again, I think it works as is, although it could perhaps be a little clearer. The two references to dawn confused me more than the passage of the day, but now that I read this part again, I think this more a case of poor reading on my part than any problem with the text.

Take Care,
Penny
Damn! Now what am I to do? You're confusing the issue here.
Seriously though, I think I will try to avoid full descriptions of all 22 cards. I mean, in chapter three I came as far as number 18. :eek:

Your suggestion about using kitten in the title is a good one. I'll think it over. Feel free to come up with more. LOL

:rose:
 
I guess, from reading other comments about the cards, that I am a strange one. I didn't think there was enough description of the cards. Tarot fascinates me and I could get lost in this story easily because of that. Sanura is to become Sameref.
I want to mentally hold those cards in my hand and ponder the signifigance of each to Sanura. They seem to be a central part of the story and as such deserve a bit more focus. JMO...

:kiss:
Minx
 
I said in my comments:
"How I treat a slave? I'll show you." His voice was almost savage.

The omitted word is probably a typo.


Black Tulip asked:
I don't understand what you mean here. Can you explain, please?


This was the dialogue in question. I am omitting the narration that came between the two lines.

Sanura says: "I don't know, Jahi. How would you treat a slave?"

And Jahi responds: "How WOULD I treat a slave? I'll show you."

Since he is responding to her taunting question by repeating it, he would probably repeat it more exactly than you had him doing.


Edited to add: This is a very minor question. I want to reiterate that this has been, so far,m a very enjoyable story.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top