PrincessErin
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Story Discussion - August 28th, 2009 - The Red Velvet Cloak
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poppy_cock
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I’ll bite. I read your post the other day and thought I’d wait for someone else to go first, but no one has just yet. So here goes. I’ll try hard to stick to the issues you’d like addressing… 
Just because it’s a short story, it doesn’t mean you should limit character development. If anything, there needs to be more. You need the reader to buy in immediately to what they’re reading – cos there’ll be no chapter 2 coming along to answer any questions that pop up. So the first thing I have to say is that here, I don’t know the characters well enough to find the story as hot as it could be.
Part of the problem is that you keep dropping into an omniscient point of view. Why? Every time you do it, you distance the reader from the action. As I was reading lines like
I have issues with the ‘stern and practical’ thing anyway. There she is, all ‘stern and practical’ scurrying into a stranger’s lap. Hmm. I don’t think so, no matter how bewitching his baby blue eyes (how could she see what color they were in the dark, anyway?). (And while I’m on the pernickety things, I’ve never seen anyone amble in high heels. No way. Totter, maybe. But not amble.)
Ah yes, stranger’s lap. I know hardly anything at all about Sebastian. You don’t need to, Poppy, I can hear you saying. Er, yes I do. I need to know what it is about him that Katie’s finding attractive. Cos at the moment, all I’ve got to go on are his baby blue eyes, a sexy voice and the fact that he’s wearing black and red. Not enough for me, I’m afraid. I need to know how he’s making her feel. I need to read about her confusion about how he’s making her feel. Her inner “Oh my God, what am I doing?” turmoil. You refer at one point to her having ‘naughty thoughts’. Tell me what those naughty thoughts were! Tell me how having them surprised her – how she didn’t normally think things like that.
For any sex scene to work though, it has to be believable. There were moments I could believe. For all I wanted to know what those naughty thoughts were, this bit worked
I didn't like the ‘scurried’ line that followed though – because I can’t see that she would. She might feel compelled to move. She might move very slowly. But scurried? I seriously doubt it. Again, I need evidence of her inner battle with herself, with her usual ‘good girl’ nature.
But the bit where it lost quite a lot credibility for me was when she suddenly discovered that
Now that’s cheating! To me, that’s you as the author reading back over your work and thinking, “Damn, I forgot to say how her panties came off. I’ll just put this line in here.” It’s a bit lazy, dare I say? Tell me how they came off, damn it – or if you’re set on her not knowing how – then again, describe her inner “Fuck, how the hell did that happen?” moment.
I know that you want this to be a stroke story but that doesn’t mean it has to be riddled with clichés. And
For this to work as well as it could, I feel you need to up the intensity. First of all, the physical intensity. Try to use all five senses in your descriptions. You refer to how Sebastian smells at one point – how does he smell? What is about the aroma that’s so alluring? Describe sounds as well as sights. Textures. You don’t need to go overboard with descriptions, just enough to set the scene, just enough to draw the reader in to put their own spin on what you’re describing.
I think with sex scenes, there can be a tendency to concentrate on the simple physical act – cock enters pussy, it feels good, etc. But there’s so much more to great sex than cocks moving in and out of pussies. There’s the feel of skin against skin, the sound of crumpling clothing, breathing, moaning. You’ve got some of these, don’t get me wrong. But there needs to be more. If you were to take out all mention of cocks, pussies and ‘members’, would the reader still be able to figure out that your couple were having sex? Because if not, then it’s not described as well as it could be.
But I feel you also need to up the emotional intensity. It’s fine that we don’t hear anything from Sebastian’s point of view, but I need to know how Katie’s feeling. And in my experience, the best way of connecting with a character is to write the whole thing in character.
Re-write the whole thing in first person.
You don’t have to keep it in first person when you’re done – you can go back and swap every ‘I’ for ‘she’, and ‘my’ for ‘her’. But what it’ll do is help you get inside Katie’s head. You’ll be able to ask yourself what you’d feel if x y and z happened to you – and then you’ll be able to write that down.
I think that's probably enough for now. You’ve got the elements here for a great short story, it just needs a little more work. Incidentally, I had no problem with the characters’ names at all.
Just because it’s a short story, it doesn’t mean you should limit character development. If anything, there needs to be more. You need the reader to buy in immediately to what they’re reading – cos there’ll be no chapter 2 coming along to answer any questions that pop up. So the first thing I have to say is that here, I don’t know the characters well enough to find the story as hot as it could be.
Part of the problem is that you keep dropping into an omniscient point of view. Why? Every time you do it, you distance the reader from the action. As I was reading lines like
and
I immediately thought, “Who said that?” It jarred me right out of the story –which if you’re trying to build tension, isn’t a great thing to happen. There are ways of showing me that Kate looked gorgeous and that she was a stern and practical woman. Now I write too, so I know damn well it’s a lot easier just to tell me so you can hurry along to the good stuff. But the good stuff would’ve packed one hell of a lot more punch if you’d stayed in Katie’s POV and showed me, not told me.
I have issues with the ‘stern and practical’ thing anyway. There she is, all ‘stern and practical’ scurrying into a stranger’s lap. Hmm. I don’t think so, no matter how bewitching his baby blue eyes (how could she see what color they were in the dark, anyway?
). (And while I’m on the pernickety things, I’ve never seen anyone amble in high heels. No way. Totter, maybe. But not amble.)Ah yes, stranger’s lap. I know hardly anything at all about Sebastian. You don’t need to, Poppy, I can hear you saying. Er, yes I do. I need to know what it is about him that Katie’s finding attractive. Cos at the moment, all I’ve got to go on are his baby blue eyes, a sexy voice and the fact that he’s wearing black and red. Not enough for me, I’m afraid. I need to know how he’s making her feel. I need to read about her confusion about how he’s making her feel. Her inner “Oh my God, what am I doing?” turmoil. You refer at one point to her having ‘naughty thoughts’. Tell me what those naughty thoughts were! Tell me how having them surprised her – how she didn’t normally think things like that.
For any sex scene to work though, it has to be believable. There were moments I could believe. For all I wanted to know what those naughty thoughts were, this bit worked
I didn't like the ‘scurried’ line that followed though – because I can’t see that she would. She might feel compelled to move. She might move very slowly. But scurried? I seriously doubt it. Again, I need evidence of her inner battle with herself, with her usual ‘good girl’ nature.
But the bit where it lost quite a lot credibility for me was when she suddenly discovered that
Now that’s cheating! To me, that’s you as the author reading back over your work and thinking, “Damn, I forgot to say how her panties came off. I’ll just put this line in here.” It’s a bit lazy, dare I say? Tell me how they came off, damn it – or if you’re set on her not knowing how – then again, describe her inner “Fuck, how the hell did that happen?” moment.I know that you want this to be a stroke story but that doesn’t mean it has to be riddled with clichés. And
is um, a bit grim... For a start, how does she know it was fertile? It strikes me as being a line that you think should be in a stroke story – and maybe less discerning readers would appreciate it. But it just cheapens the tale for me.
For this to work as well as it could, I feel you need to up the intensity. First of all, the physical intensity. Try to use all five senses in your descriptions. You refer to how Sebastian smells at one point – how does he smell? What is about the aroma that’s so alluring? Describe sounds as well as sights. Textures. You don’t need to go overboard with descriptions, just enough to set the scene, just enough to draw the reader in to put their own spin on what you’re describing.
I think with sex scenes, there can be a tendency to concentrate on the simple physical act – cock enters pussy, it feels good, etc. But there’s so much more to great sex than cocks moving in and out of pussies. There’s the feel of skin against skin, the sound of crumpling clothing, breathing, moaning. You’ve got some of these, don’t get me wrong. But there needs to be more. If you were to take out all mention of cocks, pussies and ‘members’, would the reader still be able to figure out that your couple were having sex? Because if not, then it’s not described as well as it could be.
But I feel you also need to up the emotional intensity. It’s fine that we don’t hear anything from Sebastian’s point of view, but I need to know how Katie’s feeling. And in my experience, the best way of connecting with a character is to write the whole thing in character.
Re-write the whole thing in first person.
You don’t have to keep it in first person when you’re done – you can go back and swap every ‘I’ for ‘she’, and ‘my’ for ‘her’. But what it’ll do is help you get inside Katie’s head. You’ll be able to ask yourself what you’d feel if x y and z happened to you – and then you’ll be able to write that down.
I think that's probably enough for now. You’ve got the elements here for a great short story, it just needs a little more work. Incidentally, I had no problem with the characters’ names at all.
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G
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I'm going to focus more on structure than on prose if that's okay.
To start I'd like to mention my own personal pet peeve: dialogue. Nothing jars me personally from a story more than dialogue that sounds forced or unnatural, and I struggled here a bit trying to imagine the words your characters spoke coming from an actual person.
Now, a fifty-year-old doctor is going to speak differently than a thirty-year-old construction worker who will in turn speak differently than a fifteen year old skatboarder, but in the end, all those people rarely speak in complete, detailed, contraction-free sentences. They omit words, use contractions, summarize situations, etc.
“My name is Sebastian. I just live down the street. I do not think your shoe can be fixed but my sister can lend you a pair so you can continue on your way.”
vs.
"I'm Sebastian, and I live just down the street. I don't think your shoe can be fixed, but my sister can led you a pair so you can continue."
Myself I'd probably just write it as:
"I'm Sebastian. I live just down the street, and if you want I can lend you one of my sister's shoes."
99% of writers I read would be well served to do the following exercise: take a laptop computer down to the local coffee shop, and sit in a table or booth near two people having a conversation and transcribe what they say, verbatim. Look at it and study it to understand how people actually talk and converse.
Now, that's not to say there isn't a time and a place for stylized dialogue. After all, nobody really talks like David Mamet characters in real life, and he's a master of written dialogue. Or you may be writing a particular character who talks a particular way as part of his/her individual style. But there's a difference between sylized and false, and a lot of your dialoge rings more false than it does as a deliberate sylistic choice.
The next structural issue that was a bit out of place was the main male being named Sebastian Black. This is a fine line, as there's a lot to be said for giving your characters meaningful names. But you have to be careful, because meaningful can very easily become cliched. It's a fine line. Captain Jack Sparrow works perfectly. Jack is a very masculine and traditional name, and when coupled with Sparrow, a small, unimposing, harmless bird the contrast meshes perfectly. It's not trying to hard to be cool. Jack Eagle, Jack Hawk, Jack Raven, Jack Falcon on the other hand? Using a "cool" bird makes the name Rob Leifeld-level cheesy. IMO coupling a mysterious, exotic name like Sebastian with Black is moving into cliched Bella Swan territory.
Sorry for focusing on little details, but I tend to look more at these nuts and bolts more than I do the structure/quality of the prose. I did rather like the Red Riding Hood motif, and I thought you handled some of the descriptions rather well.
To start I'd like to mention my own personal pet peeve: dialogue. Nothing jars me personally from a story more than dialogue that sounds forced or unnatural, and I struggled here a bit trying to imagine the words your characters spoke coming from an actual person.
Now, a fifty-year-old doctor is going to speak differently than a thirty-year-old construction worker who will in turn speak differently than a fifteen year old skatboarder, but in the end, all those people rarely speak in complete, detailed, contraction-free sentences. They omit words, use contractions, summarize situations, etc.
“My name is Sebastian. I just live down the street. I do not think your shoe can be fixed but my sister can lend you a pair so you can continue on your way.”
vs.
"I'm Sebastian, and I live just down the street. I don't think your shoe can be fixed, but my sister can led you a pair so you can continue."
Myself I'd probably just write it as:
"I'm Sebastian. I live just down the street, and if you want I can lend you one of my sister's shoes."
99% of writers I read would be well served to do the following exercise: take a laptop computer down to the local coffee shop, and sit in a table or booth near two people having a conversation and transcribe what they say, verbatim. Look at it and study it to understand how people actually talk and converse.
Now, that's not to say there isn't a time and a place for stylized dialogue. After all, nobody really talks like David Mamet characters in real life, and he's a master of written dialogue. Or you may be writing a particular character who talks a particular way as part of his/her individual style. But there's a difference between sylized and false, and a lot of your dialoge rings more false than it does as a deliberate sylistic choice.
The next structural issue that was a bit out of place was the main male being named Sebastian Black. This is a fine line, as there's a lot to be said for giving your characters meaningful names. But you have to be careful, because meaningful can very easily become cliched. It's a fine line. Captain Jack Sparrow works perfectly. Jack is a very masculine and traditional name, and when coupled with Sparrow, a small, unimposing, harmless bird the contrast meshes perfectly. It's not trying to hard to be cool. Jack Eagle, Jack Hawk, Jack Raven, Jack Falcon on the other hand? Using a "cool" bird makes the name Rob Leifeld-level cheesy. IMO coupling a mysterious, exotic name like Sebastian with Black is moving into cliched Bella Swan territory.
Sorry for focusing on little details, but I tend to look more at these nuts and bolts more than I do the structure/quality of the prose. I did rather like the Red Riding Hood motif, and I thought you handled some of the descriptions rather well.
driphoney
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I haven't sat and focused on your story yet, but when seeing the previous comments by shel_ashling I remembered this very good How To by Satyricon21.
Dialogue: The Eternal Problem
There are a couple more How To's on dialogue sitting there begging for readers, too.
But if this thread ends up bumming you out, check out this How To for a pick-me-up. Even while teaching you something, The Earl has a way of encouraging:
The 10 Commandments
Dialogue: The Eternal Problem
There are a couple more How To's on dialogue sitting there begging for readers, too.
But if this thread ends up bumming you out, check out this How To for a pick-me-up. Even while teaching you something, The Earl has a way of encouraging:
The 10 Commandments
jacks4u
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What an intriguing little story! Thanks for sharing it with us, and for giving us the opportunity to comment on it.
I did enjoy it, even though there are a couple rough spots, which, for me do not significantly detract from the story.
In all, I think this is a nice short story, and definitely would fit in around Halloween. Perhaps there will be a Halloween contest?...
Jacks
I did enjoy it, even though there are a couple rough spots, which, for me do not significantly detract from the story.
How can I improve on making the story hotter, sexier, more of a stroke story?
I had to think on this a little. I get the impression that Katie is simply a fuck toy - only a little better than one of those plastic vaginas in the erotic toys store. No, that's not exactly right. She has almost no free will, no ability to respond, other than to get wetter. This is a mind control story, so some of the restriction on free will is expected, but I would expect that hot, steamy sex is a two way street - some give and take by each character. Perhaps instead of the unspoken directive "fuck me", the directive were "pleasure me" this would give her the freedom to give him head. His restriction against her climaxing first is also a real limiting factor - many women have the capacity to climax multiple times, often with each more intense than the last. Instead of having intercourse only once, her needs could have drove her to take his softening cock into her mouth, and 'sucked him back up' or something like that, this would lend it's self towards him eating her out, or similar. Perhaps he, as well, can come multipal times? in this fashion, they could fuck until the sun comes up, or almost (giving the vampire time to deposit her in the park, and get back to his lair, before dawn...What do you think about the names of the characters, both primary and secondary characters?
Your choice of character names is fine, except that I paused with "Sebastion Black" - and inventoried my mind for common devil and vampire names, then shrugged and went back to reading your story. Im not sure that's even worth considering, it was just my reaction, and I don't have any suggestions there - my apologies.In all, I think this is a nice short story, and definitely would fit in around Halloween. Perhaps there will be a Halloween contest?...
Jacks
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PrincessErin
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Penelope Street
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Hi Erin,
From an outside perspective, this scene was quite strange and concerning.
The above line highlights a major issue I see with this story: Too much of it is told from an outside perspective. There's too much subjective commentary from the narrator and not enough of what the heroine actually feels and why she behaves the way she does.
She needed to release her juices and she needed it now. Katie shut her eyes tight, trying to will herself to orgasm. He had control over every part of her body, including her sexual needs. He fucked her now, hard and rough. Her body jostled around like a rag doll and the speed at which he fucked her hurt her raw pussy. She did not say a word. Nothing would help. She began to pray for him to cum, so that the torture and pleasure would end.
Notice the lack of sensory details in the above paragraph? We're told she's aroused and how she needs to climax, but little about how it physically feels to be so stirred and denied.
Keep an eye out for redundancy.
Katie dug her red fingernails into his back and struggled to control herself. She could not. She had no control over whatever effect he had on her body.
Notice how three consecutive sentences more or less tell us that she is not in control? Also, 'whatever effect' is vague- especially if this effect is crucial to the story.
His thick accented voice, deep and sexy, made her mind race with naughty thoughts.
The term 'naughty thoughts' occurs at least twice in the tale. Worse than being redundant, it's indistinct. I think you're missing a great opportunity here, especially in a short erotic story, by not showing us what exactly these naughty thoughts are. So what exactly does she imagine? I'm not suggesting an extended dream-like scene or anything like that, but a few lines about exactly what she envisions could be ever so steamy.
This line is a textbook example of telling rather than showing:
Katie looked gorgeous.
Consider how the above line might have a different result if we were told that Katie felt gorgeous? I think it could work, though I'd still like to know why she felt so.
I agree with Poppy regarding the awkward use of omniscient perspective and I like his suggestion to do a rewrite using first person, even if you later twitch back to third person for your final draft.
Sebastian's name is a little corny. It's not a big thing, but I'd still change it. How much interaction does Sebastian have with normal humans? If not much, then making his dialog a bit stilted and formal could subtly add to his character.
I get the impression there's some form of mind control at work here. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's so difficult to convey. What does one experience when another takes charge of that person's psyche? And if Katie can't resist, what is the source of tension in this tale? If you are going with a mind-control theme, did you consider having Katie's speech pattern change once Sebastian assumes control?
Last and least, there are at least two instances of a than/then confusion. If it was just one, I'd have thought it a typo, but since there are a pair, I had to wonder if you have some issue with these two?
You're a gracious hostess, but there's no need to be reticent about discussing your story! You can explain your work without having to feel like you're arguing or defending it.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Take Care,
Penny
From an outside perspective, this scene was quite strange and concerning.
The above line highlights a major issue I see with this story: Too much of it is told from an outside perspective. There's too much subjective commentary from the narrator and not enough of what the heroine actually feels and why she behaves the way she does.
She needed to release her juices and she needed it now. Katie shut her eyes tight, trying to will herself to orgasm. He had control over every part of her body, including her sexual needs. He fucked her now, hard and rough. Her body jostled around like a rag doll and the speed at which he fucked her hurt her raw pussy. She did not say a word. Nothing would help. She began to pray for him to cum, so that the torture and pleasure would end.
Notice the lack of sensory details in the above paragraph? We're told she's aroused and how she needs to climax, but little about how it physically feels to be so stirred and denied.
Keep an eye out for redundancy.
Katie dug her red fingernails into his back and struggled to control herself. She could not. She had no control over whatever effect he had on her body.
Notice how three consecutive sentences more or less tell us that she is not in control? Also, 'whatever effect' is vague- especially if this effect is crucial to the story.
His thick accented voice, deep and sexy, made her mind race with naughty thoughts.
The term 'naughty thoughts' occurs at least twice in the tale. Worse than being redundant, it's indistinct. I think you're missing a great opportunity here, especially in a short erotic story, by not showing us what exactly these naughty thoughts are. So what exactly does she imagine? I'm not suggesting an extended dream-like scene or anything like that, but a few lines about exactly what she envisions could be ever so steamy.
This line is a textbook example of telling rather than showing:
Katie looked gorgeous.
Consider how the above line might have a different result if we were told that Katie felt gorgeous? I think it could work, though I'd still like to know why she felt so.
I agree with Poppy regarding the awkward use of omniscient perspective and I like his suggestion to do a rewrite using first person, even if you later twitch back to third person for your final draft.
Sebastian's name is a little corny. It's not a big thing, but I'd still change it. How much interaction does Sebastian have with normal humans? If not much, then making his dialog a bit stilted and formal could subtly add to his character.
I get the impression there's some form of mind control at work here. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's so difficult to convey. What does one experience when another takes charge of that person's psyche? And if Katie can't resist, what is the source of tension in this tale? If you are going with a mind-control theme, did you consider having Katie's speech pattern change once Sebastian assumes control?
Last and least, there are at least two instances of a than/then confusion. If it was just one, I'd have thought it a typo, but since there are a pair, I had to wonder if you have some issue with these two?
You're a gracious hostess, but there's no need to be reticent about discussing your story! You can explain your work without having to feel like you're arguing or defending it.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Take Care,
Penny
driphoney
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Hey Erin!
Thanks for being so willing to put your story out for us to appreciate and maybe even learn by. As you probably know, 'cause I say it ad nauseam, I don't really have any writing experience and my ability is weak, so take it for what it's worth! Looking at your writing, I do see my own reflected there occasionally, so this is really an opportunity for me to learn--probably more than you!
I have trouble describing what is alluring about a male, so I can't really give any pointers, but what is mesmerizing about him? What causes arousal to consume her when she knows she should be worried?
Also, I would probably be okay with his stilted, un-condensed English, which might demonstrate his 'other worldliness' as is mentioned in the story, if Katie had had more dialogue and it contrasted with his speaking style. As it stands, it's all a bit stiff to me. Hard to get down and dirty when you're all starched up and buttoned down!
The name Katie seems so sweet and perky for someone described as sober and practical. I didn't blink over the name Sabastian Black, but I don't read vampire books. As for the other names, they were fine. Also, I really like the Little Red Riding Hood aspect of it, and didn't think it was cheesy at all!
One thing did strike me as I was reading. I counted the word 'she' 97 times in this short piece and many of them began the sentence. I'm not sure of the deeper, technical ins and outs of it, but for some reason, it really struck me:
She shivered
She squeezed
She felt uncomfortable
She knew she
She wished
She hated
...she had agreed ...she could be ...
... she continued her ...she decided that ... she usually wore ...
She wanted to
She no longer
She cried out ... she sat on
The last seven come from one paragraph. I do the same thing, so no finger pointing coming from me, for sure! When (if) I catch myself doing this, I try to either mix the sentence up, or decide if I should be 'showing' and not 'telling', sort of stretch the scene out and show the activity.
Again, thanks for sharing. If I repeated, sorry, tonight I just looked at it without reading through the other posters, so whatever craziness struck me, it wouldn't be influenced by the others!
Thanks for being so willing to put your story out for us to appreciate and maybe even learn by. As you probably know, 'cause I say it ad nauseam, I don't really have any writing experience and my ability is weak, so take it for what it's worth! Looking at your writing, I do see my own reflected there occasionally, so this is really an opportunity for me to learn--probably more than you!
Wow! If I could figure that one out, I'd write me one! However, changing this up might raise the heat a little:
I have trouble describing what is alluring about a male, so I can't really give any pointers, but what is mesmerizing about him? What causes arousal to consume her when she knows she should be worried?
Also, I would probably be okay with his stilted, un-condensed English, which might demonstrate his 'other worldliness' as is mentioned in the story, if Katie had had more dialogue and it contrasted with his speaking style. As it stands, it's all a bit stiff to me. Hard to get down and dirty when you're all starched up and buttoned down!
The name Katie seems so sweet and perky for someone described as sober and practical. I didn't blink over the name Sabastian Black, but I don't read vampire books. As for the other names, they were fine. Also, I really like the Little Red Riding Hood aspect of it, and didn't think it was cheesy at all!
One thing did strike me as I was reading. I counted the word 'she' 97 times in this short piece and many of them began the sentence. I'm not sure of the deeper, technical ins and outs of it, but for some reason, it really struck me:
She shivered
She squeezed
She felt uncomfortable
She knew she
She wished
She hated
...she had agreed ...she could be ...
... she continued her ...she decided that ... she usually wore ...
She wanted to
She no longer
She cried out ... she sat on
The last seven come from one paragraph. I do the same thing, so no finger pointing coming from me, for sure! When (if) I catch myself doing this, I try to either mix the sentence up, or decide if I should be 'showing' and not 'telling', sort of stretch the scene out and show the activity.
Again, thanks for sharing.
If I repeated, sorry, tonight I just looked at it without reading through the other posters, so whatever craziness struck me, it wouldn't be influenced by the others!
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jacks4u
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Erin,
I'm just following up on a point that kinda stuck in my mind -
Was it your intention to base your character after this real person? A man skilled in hypnosis and 'Psychic' things? If so, then then your story makes more sense to me now...
Some other thoughts: Like some of the other responders, I liked the Little Red Ridinghood theme, complete with a basket of goodies...
Best regards,
Jacks
I'm just following up on a point that kinda stuck in my mind -
... except that I paused with "Sebastion Black" - and inventoried my mind for common devil and vampire names, then shrugged and went back to reading your story.
Your story seems to attach some significance to that name. My knowledge of vampire and horror is quite lacking, I'm not terribly literate in either genre, so, I did a quick google of the name, and came up with a "Mentalist and Psychic entertainer" in New York, NY, with the same name Was it your intention to base your character after this real person? A man skilled in hypnosis and 'Psychic' things? If so, then then your story makes more sense to me now...
Some other thoughts: Like some of the other responders, I liked the Little Red Ridinghood theme, complete with a basket of goodies...
Best regards,
Jacks
PrincessErin
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driphoney
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Sorry. By craziness I mean MY OWN CRAZINESS! I came back to check the thread and saw how that probably sounded. I was talking only about myself. Truly sorry. Also, I really didn't emphasize enough how much I liked the Red Riding Hood theme. I really liked how it was subtle, but there building in the background.
I very new at writing and really don’t feel comfortable critiquing someone else but I feel I should at least try.
First let me say that it isn’t a kind of story that I would normally read so I really can’t get into it and understand it.
Stern and practical to me doesn’t make sense when she is wearing seven in heels and walking on cobblestone. It’s later in the story that I discover that she is in costume and that is not her normal dress.
How did the dress flair up when she was wearing a cape?
She was looking for the proper house but was lost in a bad area of town? Why didn’t she call rather than wander around an undesirable area of town? Did she forget her phone?
She’s a practical woman in a bad part of town and a stranger offers to take her home and she goes with him. It seems a bit out of character.
He takes her to his home then makes her walk to him.
Katie’s prudent nature only to flirt when she became comfortable with the person demonstrated her practical behavior. Sitting in his lap, Katie’s body begged for the sexual gratification that it had been missing for months.
She’s prudent and practical but she has know the guy for probably ten minutes and is in his lap wanting to fuck him. Now if she were wild and whorish I could understand it a bit better. If fact for me it might make it a sexier story.
John
First let me say that it isn’t a kind of story that I would normally read so I really can’t get into it and understand it.
Stern and practical to me doesn’t make sense when she is wearing seven in heels and walking on cobblestone. It’s later in the story that I discover that she is in costume and that is not her normal dress.
How did the dress flair up when she was wearing a cape?
She was looking for the proper house but was lost in a bad area of town? Why didn’t she call rather than wander around an undesirable area of town? Did she forget her phone?
She’s a practical woman in a bad part of town and a stranger offers to take her home and she goes with him. It seems a bit out of character.
He takes her to his home then makes her walk to him.
Katie’s prudent nature only to flirt when she became comfortable with the person demonstrated her practical behavior. Sitting in his lap, Katie’s body begged for the sexual gratification that it had been missing for months.
She’s prudent and practical but she has know the guy for probably ten minutes and is in his lap wanting to fuck him. Now if she were wild and whorish I could understand it a bit better. If fact for me it might make it a sexier story.
John
Penelope Street
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I'm still curious what level of mind control Erin had in mind with this one.
jacks4u
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As am I. It just occurred to me, that If the reader knew or suspected this aspect of Sebastian early in the story, she or he would be able to suspend our normal, shared reality. Erin, would then be free to explore, in more depth, that aspect of this story, and build more eroticism into it.
Jacks
PrincessErin
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Penelope Street
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If there's no mind control involved, then I'd need to understand better why the heroine doesn't remain frightened. I don't know about anyone else, but I can't imagine being aroused in her situation.
poppy_cock
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Oh - I missed this somehow. No, I agree with Penelope, without some element of mind control (which I assumed there must be), Katie's motivation for not just getting the hell out of there doesn't make sense. I figured he must be exhibiting some kind of magnetizing effect.
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