Story Discussion: April 10, 2007 "Cheechako" by drksideofthemoon

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi,

I'm drksideofthemoon, and I've been writing at Lit for about two years now. "Cheechako" is a fictional story set in the Klondike gold rush of 1898. This is my first attempt at writing something non-erotic.

Most of the facts are correct in the story, with this exception. The NWMP (Northwest Mounted Police) did not get the designation of Royal until 1904.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

And now, the story...

Here is the link to Cheechako

All comments are welcome, and I hope you find the story enjoyable.

Okay, I'm ready to take my whippin' now...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

My Goals...

My goals for this story were to write something that was completely non-erotic.

I lived in the Yukon for a time, and have been to Dyea and Skagway. I hiked the Chilcoot in the summer with a small pack. My admiration for the people that hiked up that trail in the late winter/early spring of 1898 grew immensely. I have a love of the area, and the history surrounding it.

I tried to capture the thirst for gold that would have made men, and women, leave their homes and attempt the journey to the creeks around Dawson City.

I should point out that I didn't use an editor for this story.

I guess what I want to know is what worked, and what didn't.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read Cheechako and for taking the time to leave comments and suggestions.

 

[Penelope Street]

My goals for this story were to write something that was completely non-erotic.

Well you certainly succeeded- it is completely non-erotic!

I lived in the Yukon for a time, and have been to Dyea and Skagway. I hiked the Chilcoot in the summer with a small pack. My admiration for the people that hiked up that trail in the late winter/early spring of 1898 grew immensely. I have a love of the area, and the history surrounding it.

Oh, fun! I'm jealous.

I tried to capture the thirst for gold that would have made men, and women, leave their homes and attempt the journey to the creeks around Dawson City.

The moment after he's lost his gold when he's delirious and still imagines he will be rich is a good one- and so is the scene where he finds his cabin ransacked.

You did a fine job of portraying this madness, though I still couldn't quite feel it, if that makes sense. Sure, I've bought a few lottery tickets, but I didn't have to spend my life savings, climb a frozen mountain fifty times, and go six months without a bath to get one!

I should point out that I didn't use an editor for this story.

Not as if you really need an editor. I only noticed one error I didn't think was intentional.

I guess what I want to know is what worked, and what didn't.

It's a good little story. And that voice- it sounds so authentic. I'd love to be able to do such a voice! I had no trouble at all believing a miner was really telling me his story and I had little trouble following his tale- although he used a few terms I had to look up, but he would have said it that way, so that's perfect. Even the mistakes with things like verb tense added to the realism.

A downside to the realistic narration style is that it's a little dry here and there, especially the beginning. Did you consider starting the story when the narrator meets Swede? I could have gotten to know both men and their situation while they got to know one another. It might have made for a livelier read- though probably with a less realistic air about it. Regardless, it certainly works the way it is.

Another downside to the realism issue is that I never really got that close to the narrator- I mean, he's not really the best company, is he? Then again, maybe not getting close to him is an upside after all.

Once the men get to their creek, I thought the story really flowed. Great pacing- you got your points across without belaboring them. One thing I didn't quit get was why the men build two cabins and work independently. It seems to me it would make so much more sense to build one shelter and work the best spot together, but I'm sure that's just me not understanding something about their situation rather than a shortcoming of the story. I certainly don’t think it would have been a good idea for him to explain why they did everything the way they did it.

A tiny quibble: At the time he's telling the story, does he still not know what happened to Two-Gun Tess? I think he does. While I'm quibbling, on the way to the creek, it might have been a good idea to have Swede mention the hot springs then so we'd know about them sooner.

The ending is perfect.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read Cheechako and for taking the time to leave comments and suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you missed it amid all the quibbles, I think it's a good little story with a great voice.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Well you certainly succeeded- it is completely non-erotic!


Oh, fun! I'm jealous.


The moment after he's lost his gold when he's delirious and still imagines he will be rich is a good one- and so is the scene where he finds his cabin ransacked.

You did a fine job of portraying this madness, though I still couldn't quite feel it, if that makes sense. Sure, I've bought a few lottery tickets, but I didn't have to spend my life savings, climb a frozen mountain fifty times, and go six months without a bath to get one!


Not as if you really need an editor. I only noticed one error I didn't think was intentional.


It's a good little story. And that voice- it sounds so authentic. I'd love to be able to do such a voice! I had no trouble at all believing a miner was really telling me his story and I had little trouble following his tale- although he used a few terms I had to look up, but he would have said it that way, so that's perfect. Even the mistakes with things like verb tense added to the realism.

A downside to the realistic narration style is that it's a little dry here and there, especially the beginning. Did you consider starting the story when the narrator meets Swede? I could have gotten to know both men and their situation while they got to know one another. It might have made for a livelier read- though probably with a less realistic air about it. Regardless, it certainly works the way it is.

Another downside to the realism issue is that I never really got that close to the narrator- I mean, he's not really the best company, is he? Then again, maybe not getting close to him is an upside after all.

Once the men get to their creek, I thought the story really flowed. Great pacing- you got your points across without belaboring them. One thing I didn't quit get was why the men build two cabins and work independently. It seems to me it would make so much more sense to build one shelter and work the best spot together, but I'm sure that's just me not understanding something about their situation rather than a shortcoming of the story. I certainly don’t think it would have been a good idea for him to explain why they did everything the way they did it.

A tiny quibble: At the time he's telling the story, does he still not know what happened to Two-Gun Tess? I think he does. While I'm quibbling, on the way to the creek, it might have been a good idea to have Swede mention the hot springs then so we'd know about them sooner.

The ending is perfect.


Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you missed it amid all the quibbles, I think it's a good little story with a great voice.

Thanks Penelope, I appreciate your comments.

I tried to research the "rules" for staking a claim in 1898, but I was unable to find anything, so I had to go with what I knew about claims when I lived up there. Each claim had to have a dwelling built on it, and so many cubic yards of 'dirt' have to be moved to keep the claim in good working order.

So, to maximise their chances I had both miners stake a claim on the creek.

I toyed with a bit more dialog, but I found that it watered down the story, so in the end, I abandoned it.

I guess I should have found a better way to make the reader feel his thirst for gold.

In the first rough draft, Swede does mention the stink of the sulfur, but somehow on rewriting, the line hit the floor...

Thanks again for your time and comments, I do appreciate them

 

[Verdad]

Hi, Darkside. Thanks for sharing such a lovely piece.

I noticed some of the same things Penny did (do I say that every time?) but I felt a bit more critical about them.

For me, the opening was rather weak, enough so that you'd have probably lost me if I had been reading for pleasure only. It was only around the time of the rafts starting on their way that the story began engaging me, and though it got better and better from there, the insecure opening, for me, cast a shadow on the entire experience.

My first instinct was to suggest that you start it with the narrator meeting Swede, but that would only apply if the focus of the story was supposed to be the relationship that developed between the two men. In that case, I would have loved to see Swede right there in the first sentence, but then I would have also loved to see both their characters flashed out more intimately.

If the story was supposed to be an atmospheric piece above all, one that would immerse us in the harsh life conditions of the gold diggers, an opening plunging us right in that son of a bitch cold would seem more in order—but if that was the case, I missed more descriptions throughout the piece, concrete details that would make us feel these conditions in a visceral way, perhaps even turning the nature and the weather into characters in their own right.

If it was supposed to be about greed, as your opening kind of suggests, I'd expect some seriously conflicting episode to take central place in the story (like whether to whack the other and run away with the gold) or at least for the greed to throb in the background ceaselessly like an insistent toothache.

As it were, I didn't see the narrator do anything particularly unreasonable in the name of greed—his very setting out on the quest for gold could have been such, but for all I know, it could have been a perfectly sane decision too, motivated by poverty and lack of choice. Likewise, his mistrust of Swede could have been a sign of personality altered by greed, but also just a sane amount of caution under the circumstances.

So the connection between my problem with the opening and what came to bother me about the story as a whole is that I couldn't identify the central thread. The three I just mentioned certainly aren't mutually exclusive, but for the story to have a clear focus and development, I believe you should have chosen to play up one over the others, allowing the reader to follow one clear line and relegate the rest to lateral vision.

Sometimes, of course, the thing being observed with lateral vision is the real theme of the story, but it's presenting everything with equal importance that created a sense of monotony for me, sort of like a music track with little dynamics, where all the parts appear equally loud throughout.

I can't say which ones you should turn up—that depends on where you want to place the emphasis (and not all my observations apply at the same time)—but I do believe a stronger opening, a bit of trimming of the less important parts, and an injection of vividness into the key ones is all the story needs to gain power and become easy to follow.

On the technical side, I was a little torn about your sentence structure. I did enjoy the narrator's voice for its dryness and I'm not suggesting he should have been writing poetry, but even so, the waste majority of sentences being of the I did/we did kind prevented a development of a smooth flow.

Transitioning through time wasn't always ideal, either, especially in the opening, which could be an additional reason why I disliked it. At places I had trouble deciding whether something was happening 'now' or through a period of time. A couple of well-placed markers could solve that with ease.

As a final little nit, I too noticed the thing about two cabins, only, I didn't notice it till the narrator went to look for Swede in his cabin. Till that very moment, I assumed they were sharing one, and so it caused me some confusion. I'm not sure whether you established it previously and it slipped my attention (I only recall Swede "moving up the river", but I took that to mean he only worked up the river), but if you didn't, you might want to state it clearly.

Hope some of this helps—overall, a really nice story.

Best of luck,

Verdad

 

[Penelope Street]

I tried to research the "rules" for staking a claim in 1898, but I was unable to find anything, so I had to go with what I knew about claims when I lived up there. Each claim had to have a dwelling built on it, and so many cubic yards of 'dirt' have to be moved to keep the claim in good working order.

So it was something I didn't understand about their situation. Unlike Verdad, I thought it was quite clear that the men live and work some distance from one another. But would they really have been so isolated from everyone else? With all the miners and most of the area already claimed, it seems like they'd have had few, uh, 'neighbors'.

My first instinct was to suggest that you start it with the narrator meeting Swede, but that would only apply if the focus of the story was supposed to be the relationship that developed between the two men.

I wonder if that's why I wanted the story to start there too.

I guess I should have found a better way to make the reader feel his thirst for gold.

... I didn't see the narrator do anything particularly unreasonable in the name of greed—his very setting out on the quest for gold could have been such, but for all I know, it could have been a perfectly sane decision too, motivated by poverty and lack of choice. Likewise, his mistrust of Swede could have been a sign of personality altered by greed, but also just a sane amount of caution under the circumstances.

I didn't see the narrator do anything immoral- but unreasonable? By my definition, the narrator's not sane and that's a big part of what the story's about. I can understand taking risks for family or because one has to simply in order to survive, but this man doesn't appear to have a family and he has the means to buy a year's worth of food. How many living in the late nineteenth century could do that? So to me his behavior isn't reasonable and while I understand men do this kind of thing, I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why.

Transitioning through time wasn't always ideal, either, especially in the opening, which could be an additional reason why I disliked it. At places I had trouble deciding whether something was happening 'now' or through a period of time. A couple of well-placed markers could solve that with ease.

This is kinda what I meant by issues with verb tense- the narration starts in past perfect, then switches to past tense, then switches back and forth a few times after that. At first I found it confusing, but then I decided this was part of the charm, as if the narrator was rambling- and after that I kinda liked it.

On the subject of time, I was curious how long it takes him to make all these trips up the mountain. I know he says he lost track of the days, but surely he has an idea if it was a week or a month? And there's this line of men going up and down all day and all night? Is this Tess sitting at the top the whole time guarding everyone's stuff? Then there's this lake at the top that they all gather around, waiting for it to thaw? And when the ice breaks up on the lake, it's like they go to sleep in late May and the lake is frozen, then they wake up, and all the ice is gone. The lakes near me don't thaw like that, so it struck me as odd for the ice simply to vanish. I had a little trouble picturing it all- though that wasn't a major issue.

If it was supposed to be about greed, as your opening kind of suggests, I'd expect some seriously conflicting episode to take central place in the story (like whether to whack the other and run away with the gold) or at least for the greed to throb in the background ceaselessly like an insistent toothache.

I suppose it's probably been written before, (what hasn't?) but if he'd killed Swede because of his paranoia- only to discover he was wrong, that could have been powerful. Swede sneaking away with all the gold could have been an interesting twist too, but I still like it the way it is.

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, drksideofthemoon.

I'm commenting before reading how others have responded, so please pardon/make note of any redundancies, as you see fit.

At the core, I think Cheechako is a lovely story. The ending is poignant, and in some ways, it's poignant throughout. The narrator seems such a solitary character, and the setting and story convey a sense of isolation. Thematically, that's pretty powerful. And it seems well-researched, with lots of little details to set the scene.

I feel like the effectiveness of the storytelling wavered, though. For probably the first third of the story, I didn't feel pulled into the narrator's experience. There were exceptions, here and there, but for the most part, instead of feeling like I was getting a glimpse of a very different world, or empathizing with the desires and trials of your main character, I felt more like I was reading a pleasant, digestible history chapter.

At the very opening of the story, in the first couple of paragraphs we learn that the narrator is driven to find gold. The first mention, “that damned bitch called Gold” sort of leapt out and demanded consideration, because it's the first phrase that's not in fairly formal or proper-sounding prose. At that point I felt pretty aware that you're deliberately creating a character's voice, the voice of someone who can't be just any person, but only that of a gold miner. I think it jarred me precisely because it contrasted so starkly with the language that preceded it (this was a consistent inconsistency, I think—most of the prose is standard, proper sounding prose, so the colorful phrases and moments of improper grammar stick out as different).

I think the opening of the story would be stronger, and the character's unique voice would be established immediately, if the opening line was something like,

“That damned bitch called Gold held me in her grip, like a sickness...”

and then you went on to tell how he'd journeyed north from Seattle.

Also, gold is a bitch, a sickness, and addiction, and a siren, all inside three consecutive sentences. Instead of helping me to identify with how/why the narrator is compelled to walk away from his life to go after gold, I'm distracted by my awareness of all these rather vague and abstract metaphors. Here, at the opening of the story, I'd rather hear one carefully chosen metaphor which tells me something about this particular man (has he read the classics? If not, is he likely to draw on the metaphor of the siren's song?) and why he was so desperate to strike gold.

He tells us that he sold everything and left his life behind, but I have no idea what that life was—was he a school teacher? A coal miner? Did he abandon a wife and children? Is he twenty? Forty? I don't need a five paragraph life history, but in one sentence you could paint a picture that would help me understand who this guy is.

When your narrator is climbing up the Chilkoot trail, the one image which really struck me and made me identify with how agonizing it must have been was the line about the pack tearing at his shoulders. At that moment, I feel his pain. More concrete details like that—a nagging blister, an aching knee—would keep me with your narrator, keep me in the story.

This passage jarred in a similar way to the string of metaphors:
How I cursed that bitch named Gold with every step I took. I screamed in agony for my release from her. I had sworn no oath, nor had I signed any pledge, but still, she held me like none other. She came to me in my dreams, making promises I knew she would not keep.

Those laments just sound so abstract, and to my ear sound like echoes of stock phrases rather than the thoughts of this one particular man.

But you have some lovely details that make the story vivid at times, such as the ice creaking and groaning, and the lake being covered with “home-built craft of every size and manner.”

For me, the story grew much more compelling once your narrator starts accumulating lots of gold; his general paranoia that his gold would be stolen, his suspicion of Swede was much more tangible than the gold lust was, at the story's opening. By the time the two men go into town and start gambling, I was involved enough to feel anxious he'd get himself into debt or do something terribly foolish, and you had me doubting Swede, too, and the tension and dread stuck with me from then until the end of the story. Really well-done, there.

You do a lovely job with imagery, creating a mood of isolation once the narrator is snowed in—him hearing people calling his name, the snow feeling like shards of glass—those are very evocative, visceral moments.

The ending, I thought, was wonderful, both in conception and execution. Him thinking to himself, “All I need to do now was to rest for a bit...” is a beautiful, torturous bit of dramatic irony. I felt there was a moral to the story, but the ending made me feel, even more than it made me think. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your story—it was fun reading something so different!

I'm off to read what the others say, now.

-Varian

 

[Verdad]

I didn't see the narrator do anything immoral- but unreasonable? By my definition, the narrator's not sane and that's a big part of what the story's about. I can understand taking risks for family or because one has to simply in order to survive, but this man doesn't appear to have a family and he has the means to buy a year's worth of food. How many living in the late nineteenth century could do that? So to me his behavior isn't reasonable and while I understand men do this kind of thing, I'm not sure I'll ever really understand why.

I guess the thing is that we don't know what led him there and what kind of life he'd left behind. To say that it was gold seems to me a superficial explanation—that's something that drew all gold diggers, but every individual has their unique set of motivations too. What was this guy's story?

I didn't get to learn that, so I kind of projected. (Surely he was in dire need to commit himself to such life!) Possibly you projected in a different way, and more along the lines of what Darkside intended. (Surely no one sane would do this!)

The problem too is that I tend to trust what I'm being shown over what I'm being told, so I ended up pretty much dismissing the element of obsession. I was told of the obsession, but observing the character I could only see a man living an extremely bare and hard life, harboring an occasional ugly thought, but no different from what would go through any of our heads. Alone in wilderness with a stash of gold and someone you struck a quick friendship with, who wouldn't feel vulnerable and experience a moment of doubt?

One of the places in the story where I stopped and thought, wait a minute; this is worth more than a casual remark—I want to see this dramatized through concrete behaviors, was when the narrator said "I even became suspicious of Swede". I wanted to see how suspicious; what triggered the suspicion and how it manifested itself. Only then could we judge whether it was just an uncomfortable thought or a sign of clouded judgment, or better yet, something in between.

Later, however, I was wary of suggesting this should be elaborated, at least until Darkside tells us more of what he wanted to achieve, because it seemed just as likely that the suspicion wasn't meant to be more than a fleeting thought and was deliberately not given more attention.

This kind of ties in with what I wondered about as to the focus of the story. It seems like at least two tendencies are battling. On one side, there's the story, such as it is, on the other, author's commentary seems to be coming through narrator's mouth. The story only presents a slice of life; the commentary seems to suggest something more sinister than what we're observing.

If it were up to my tastes, I'd lose the commentary (all the references to the bitch gold) and let the story speak for itself; good or bad is up for the reader to ponder. If, however, Darkside wanted to emphasize the ugly note, I'd still be in favor of losing the commentary, but would like to see this ugly nuance flashed out better through concrete thoughts and actions. There's a lot of delicious currently unexplored space there, so I really like both possibilities.

I suppose it's probably been written before, (what hasn't?) but if he'd killed Swede because of his paranoia- only to discover he was wrong, that could have been powerful. Swede sneaking away with all the gold could have been an interesting twist too, but I still like it the way it is.

I too loved the ending, so it didn't even occur to me to think of alternatives, but for the ugly version, I definitely would have liked to see the narrator consider killing Swede or go through some similar kind of struggle, or perhaps for the two of them to have a falling out the last time they speak. (The problem with this, though, is that the tension surrounding the mistrust had already been resolved—upon their return from the city, the narrator said he never mistrusted Swede again.)

 

[Varian P]

I suppose it's probably been written before, (what hasn't?) but if he'd killed Swede because of his paranoia- only to discover he was wrong, that could have been powerful. Swede sneaking away with all the gold could have been an interesting twist too, but I still like it the way it is.

Actually, the story could go one of these directions, but retain its current ending.

Swede could steal the narrator's gold, and the narrator could either catch him or not, but suffer the same final fate.

Alternatively, the narrator could go mad while snowed in at his cabin, then go after Swede with the intention of killing him, then discover him dead (as he does in the story), perhaps also discovering a will leaving him Swede's share of the gold, and with the ending playing out as it does.

I personally don't care for the idea of Swede stealing the gold--the story is nicely devoid of any melodrama, and I'd be sorry to see that change.

I also wouldn't want to see the narrator actually kill Swede--again, it's the melodrama factor. But having him want to kill Swede and be on the verge of really doing it, only to find the poor old guy frozen to death in his little cabin, would, I think, only serve to emphasize the deranged state of the narrator's mind, without any extraordinary action undermining the quiet realism of the story.

 

[Penelope Street]

I guess the thing is that we don't know what led him there and what kind of life he'd left behind. To say that it was gold seems to me a superficial explanation—that's something that drew all gold diggers, but every individual has their unique set of motivations too. What was this guy's story?

I didn't get to learn that, so I kind of projected. (Surely he was in dire need to commit himself to such life!) Possibly you projected in a different way, and more along the lines of what Darkside intended. (Surely no one sane would do this!)

You're right, we had to fill in the blanks and I think this is one of those less-is-more things. Did you really imagine he was in dire need before setting off to the Yukon? I didn't!

I had sold everything I had and left my life behind.

If he has left his life behind, then he at least had a life, right? We may not know what 'everything' was, but it was enough to buy a year's supplies- so maybe he wasn't super rich, but he wasn't starving either. Of course, if he had had a family and abandoned them, then he would've been met by something other than an angel - so I think we can conclude he never had a family.

I am curious what drkside had in mind for the narrator's past.

The pack weighed heavy on my back. It was a weight that I enjoyed the feel of. It was the fruits of our labors. It was my future. A future of not having to work, or to struggle. It meant respect.

This was the biggest glimpse I got of his motivation. I think it must have been some kind of mid-life crisis, like he imagined he wasn't winning at life if he wasn't filthy rich.

Alone in wilderness with a stash of gold and someone you struck a quick friendship with, who wouldn't feel vulnerable and experience a moment of doubt?

I'd have felt vulnerable, sure- and probably suspicious too. It's the decision to go to the Yukon in the first place that I find questionable, not his behavior once he gets there.

If it were up to my tastes, I'd lose the commentary (all the references to the bitch gold) and let the story speak for itself; good or bad is up for the reader to ponder.

Ooo- I see what you mean (less is more, right?), but ...

I think the opening of the story would be stronger, and the character's unique voice would be established immediately, if the opening line was something like,

“That damned bitch called Gold held me in her grip, like a sickness...”

... I like this idea too!

I suppose it's probably been written before, (what hasn't?) but if he'd killed Swede because of his paranoia- only to discover he was wrong, that could have been powerful. Swede sneaking away with all the gold could have been an interesting twist too, but I still like it the way it is.

Actually, the story could go one of these directions, but retain its current ending.
I personally don't care for the idea of Swede stealing the gold--the story is nicely devoid of any melodrama, and I'd be sorry to see that change.


I also wouldn't want to see the narrator actually kill Swede--again, it's the melodrama factor. But having him want to kill Swede and be on the verge of really doing it, only to find the poor old guy frozen to death in his little cabin, would, I think, only serve to emphasize the deranged state of the narrator's mind, without any extraordinary action undermining the quiet realism of the story.

These ideas were kinda the forum equivalent of me thinking out loud. In no way did I mean to suggest the current plot was inadequate and I certainly didn't *want* Swede to turn out to be a thief or for the narrator to kill him. When I think 'melodrama', I imagine a character behaving in a manner that doesn't make sense in order to advance the plot- is that what you mean too? I agree about the quiet realism being a real plus to this story.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I'm quite overwhelmed at the responses.

The story was written in two parts. The first bit, up to Lake Bennett was written about a year ago, just out of the blue.

Then a few months ago I decided to do something with it.

First the narrator. No, I never saw him having a family. I'm not sure what he did, whatever it was, there would have been little hope for advancement. The year's worth of supplies wouldn't have been very exotic. Staples to keep a man alive for a year.

His motive? Gold rushes of the 19th century were the lotteries of their times, the only difference was you could go and strike it rich. Imagine standing at the dock in Seattle and watching these men walking down the gangplank with more than enough gold to live the rest of their lives in relative luxury. There was gold in the Klondike, nuggets as big as a man's hand sitting there, ripe for the picking.

Money meant success, it meant respect. No more taking orders from another man.

Why did he go? The lure of easy money, the adventure...100,000 people set off for a place that they had never heard of before, and must have sounded like the end of the earth...

I could never see Swede stealing the narrator's gold. I think the gold was secondary to Swede. He had spent most of his life in the search for gold, so I think for him, the thrill of the chase was his motivation.

The narrator's paranoia never gets to the point where he wanted to do Swede in. Time and time again Swede came to his aid, or gave sage advice. So near the end, the paranoia had pretty much subsided.

After the blizzard he yearned for the sound of another man's voice, he had spent more than a week cooped up alone in his cabin, his mind playing tricks on him. Hearing his name being called by the wind.

I liked a lot of suggestions that have been made. I may have to revisit this story and do a rewrite for it.

One of my goals was to make the voice authentic, to make it sound like a voice from 1898. I was trying to convey the physical struggle to get from Dyea to the creeks of Dawson.

Penelope asked a question, how long would it have taken him to haul his supplies up the Chilkoot and on to Lake Bennett. Probably around four to six weeks.

A couple of random notes. The gold rush around Dawson only lasted a couple of years, gold was discovered around Nome, Alaska, and thats where a lot of the gold-seekers headed. Gold is still mined around Dawson to this day.

If you go to Google Images, and google Dyea Cemetery, you will some pictures of the graves of miners that were killed in an avalanche in March of 1898. I've been there, and it's quite a moving experience.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Here's a picture of miners climbing to the summit of the Chilkoot...

http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/images/Canada/factfile/Miners_climb_Chilkoot.jpg

 

[Penelope Street]

Here's a picture of miners climbing to the summit of the Chilkoot...

http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/images/Canada/factfile/Miners_climb_Chilkoot.jpg

Oh, wow! That's even worse than I'd imagined. And these men spent four to six weeks just going up and down that mountain?

 

[Penelope Street]

Imagine standing at the dock in Seattle and watching these men walking down the gangplank with more than enough gold to live the rest of their lives in relative luxury.

Maybe this is what I can't get past, and it's not a problem with the story at all. I'd have thought, Good for them, and went on with my day.

I could never see Swede stealing the narrator's gold. I think the gold was secondary to Swede. He had spent most of his life in the search for gold, so I think for him, the thrill of the chase was his motivation.

The narrator's paranoia never gets to the point where he wanted to do Swede in. Time and time again Swede came to his aid, or gave sage advice. So near the end, the paranoia had pretty much subsided.

After the blizzard he yearned for the sound of another man's voice, he had spent more than a week cooped up alone in his cabin, his mind playing tricks on him. Hearing his name being called by the wind.

I think we all interpreted these aspects of your story the way you intended. Suggestions about alternatives were, at least in my case, just ideas on what might have worked if you had wanted to take the story a different direction.

I liked a lot of suggestions that have been made. I may have to revisit this story and do a rewrite for it.

Oh, don't change too much! It's really good the way it is.

One of my goals was to make the voice authentic, to make it sound like a voice from 1898. I was trying to convey the physical struggle to get from Dyea to the creeks of Dawson.

In these goals, I think you clearly succeeded.

 

[Verdad]

A stunning picture. Now I definitely wish there was an occasional piece of description more. Perhaps (just a thought) it could have been given simultaneously with some bit of the narrator's history? As in, how much the landscape differed from what he was used to.

Similarly, a comparison between the level of physical strain he was accustomed to and this climb could have been employed to tell us another bit about him, while simultaneously covering this point of Varian's:

When your narrator is climbing up the Chilkoot trail, the one image which really struck me and made me identify with how agonizing it must have been was the line about the pack tearing at his shoulders. At that moment, I feel his pain. More concrete details like that—a nagging blister, an aching knee—would keep me with your narrator, keep me in the story.

On the other hand:

I'm not sure what he did, whatever it was, there would have been little hope for advancement.

This I did perceive just as you meant it, so maybe the personal history remarks really aren't of that much importance. The immediacy of the experience, however, is. Seeing the picture, I have a better understanding of why you wanted to include the climb in the story. It deserves a rewrite that would make it as a powerful as the rest of it.

Penelope asked a question, how long would it have taken him to haul his supplies up the Chilkoot and on to Lake Bennett. Probably around four to six weeks.

Perhaps—just another thought—you could open with something like, "We were in the fourth week of our climb up the Chilkoot when [I first met Sweede, or when something else of interest happened]," proceeding to fill us in from there.

I could never see Swede stealing the narrator's gold. I think the gold was secondary to Swede. He had spent most of his life in the search for gold, so I think for him, the thrill of the chase was his motivation.

I couldn't see it either, not outside that well-played moment of doubt. I did wonder about his motivation, though, and how it differed from the narrator's. I guess that's another place where you could have chosen to give us a bit more (a few revelatory lines of dialogue, perhaps), although it worked well just as it is, too.

Alternatively, the narrator could go mad while snowed in at his cabin, then go after Swede with the intention of killing him, then discover him dead (as he does in the story), perhaps also discovering a will leaving him Swede's share of the gold, and with the ending playing out as it does. (…)

I also wouldn't want to see the narrator actually kill Swede--again, it's the melodrama factor. But having him want to kill Swede and be on the verge of really doing it, only to find the poor old guy frozen to death in his little cabin, would, I think, only serve to emphasize the deranged state of the narrator's mind, without any extraordinary action undermining the quiet realism of the story.

Just what I meant when I said I would have liked to see him consider killing Swede, only put more eloquently. An actual murder would cheapen the story for me, but my mind couldn't help straying in that fascinating space where otherwise reasonably sane and moral people find the boundaries shifting, and I wished to see it explored. The isolation and vulnerability fascinated me too—but all that may well be another story, or maybe just a proof that Darkside has already done quite an involving job.

These ideas were kinda the forum equivalent of me thinking out loud.

That's what we all do. Especially when a story gets you thinking, and this story kinda grows on you, doesn't it? I'm already seeing how it could grow into a lovely novella, which is probably the time when the author should tell us all to piss off.

 

[Varian P]

When I think 'melodrama', I imagine a character behaving in a manner that doesn't make sense in order to advance the plot- is that what you mean too?

By melodrama, I just mean extraordinary events, like murder and betrayal, which are relatively unusual in the course of day to day life, but which are common elements of stories, because they're almost inherently exciting, so they are useful for manipulating the emotions of the reader.

 

[Penelope Street]

By melodrama, I just mean extraordinary events, like murder and betrayal, which are relatively unusual in the course of day to day life, but which are common elements of stories, because they're almost inherently exciting, so they are useful for manipulating the emotions of the reader.

Ok. That makes sense.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I've been surprised at some of the comments and ideas. It's been interesting seeing the story through other people's eyes.

I wish now that I would have included a paragraph or two providing a little detail on the narrator's life, and his motivation for heading to the Klondike. I would have also provided a bit more detail on the struggle climbing the Chilkoot.

Originally in the first draft I had the narrator contemplating killing Swede. After I read it, it just seemed too over the top.

Verdad, I take it as a compliment that you think this tale could be turned into a Novella.

 

[Varian P]

I wish now that I would have included a paragraph or two providing a little detail on the narrator's life, and his motivation for heading to the Klondike. I would have also provided a bit more detail on the struggle climbing the Chilkoot.

If you're planning on working some of this into a rewrite, if you draft a few paragraphs and work them into your opening and post them in this thread, I'd be happy to have a look, and bet others would, too.

Originally in the first draft I had the narrator contemplating killing Swede. After I read it, it just seemed too over the top.

Even though I think watching the narrator's mind go down such a dark path could be interesting, and could show what the gold lust and isolation had done to him, I certainly don't think the story needs that. And one of the things I love about this story is what I would describe as an atmospheric and emotional quietness, and I think some of that might be lost if the narrator starts plotting a murder, even if that murder never happens.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

If you're planning on working some of this into a rewrite, if you draft a few paragraphs and work them into your opening and post them in this thread, I'd be happy to have a look, and bet others would, too.

I might have to do that...

Even though I think watching the narrator's mind go down such a dark path could be interesting, and could show what the gold lust and isolation had done to him, I certainly don't think the story needs that. And one of the things I love about this story is what I would describe as an atmospheric and emotional quietness, and I think some of that might be lost if the narrator starts plotting a murder, even if that murder never happens.

I'll keep that in mind. That might work in another story, watching the slow decline of a character. Make the reader wonder if he is going to go through with it. A sort of Hitchcockian kind of story.

 

[Penelope Street]

If you're planning on working some of this into a rewrite, if you draft a few paragraphs and work them into your opening and post them in this thread, I'd be happy to have a look, and bet others would too.

Absolutely!

I wish now that I would have included a paragraph or two providing a little detail on the narrator's life, and his motivation for heading to the Klondike. I would have also provided a bit more detail on the struggle climbing the Chilkoot.

I think more detail on the climb would be good. I'm less certain about addressing his past- it may be one of those cases where letting the reader fill in the blanks works best.

 

[Verdad]

Verdad, I take it as a compliment that you think this tale could be turned into a Novella.

That's how I meant it.

I'd be happy to have another look, too, but I agree--don't let us influence you too much, not when it comes to content.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to read Cheechako and for the interesting discussion that followed. I may try it again in the future with another piece.

 

[Penelope Street]

I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to read Cheechako and for the interesting discussion that followed. I may try it again in the future with another piece.

Thank you!

Aren't the best stories are the ones that stay with us for a while?

I just watched a show about the gold rush. It was mostly about the train that follows the other trail, but it started in Skagway and had some video of Dyea and more at Bennett. I don't know how many times I thought, "Hey, that's in the story too!"

The tourist train goes to Bennett and picks up those who have made the trek up the trail in the story and there's a separate car for the hikers who've been only a few days without a bath. That's all I need to know to decide if we ever visit, we'll be taking the train all the way! I don't want to even imagine what Swede and the narrator smelled like before those precious baths! Is there an emoticon for "Ewwwww"?

It was a fun little show and I'd probably have skipped it if not for the story. Thanks bunches for sparking my interest in a little piece of history I'd probably not have known much about otherwise.

Take Care,
Penny