Story Discussion angelicminx 3-20-2005 Main Queue

[angelicminx]

Ok y'all, here goes. If you don't want to know my questions yet, skip this part and go on to the second part. This story is currently 5, 865 words long. I am considering writing another chapter in front of this one to clear up a few issues that arose in this chapter.


I want to know:
1. Are the characters clear?
2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?
3. Does the story itself flow?
4. Believability issues...
Probably lots more questions, I just can't think of them right off hand, lol.


Edit: Suggestions for a title? I keep coming up blank... SIGH...


Happy reading (I hope!)

 

[angelicminx]

Michele is in the kitchen when her husband comes home from work. She hears the front door slam and his footsteps as he approaches the kitchen. She is just turning off the stove when Brock steps up behind her. He slides his hands around her waist and pulls her back against his body. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail and he kisses the back of her exposed neck, making her moan softly.

“Mmm, I love you darling,” he whispers.

“I love you too, sweetheart.” She turns her head to look at him. Seeing his mischievous grin, she laughs. “Oh dear, I’m in trouble aren’t I. What are you up to, Brock?”

“Honey, you were asking last night what I wanted to do this weekend and I think I have the perfect idea!” His grin widens. “You have to agree with whatever I ask you to do. Promise me you will do what I ask? I swear it won’t be anything unreasonable.”

“Brock?” Michele turns away from the stove and into his arms. She locks her gaze on his bright blue eyes as she slides her hands over his abdomen and up his chest. “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“If you don’t agree to the terms,” he kisses her mouth quickly, “I’m not going to tell you what I’m thinking.”

“Honey, please? I can’t agree to do as you ask without knowing what you have in mind!”

“If you don’t trust me then never mind, just forget about it.” Brock releases her and saunters away, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m going to take a shower!”

“Brock!” He keeps walking, but she can hear him chuckle. “Arrr!”

Oh, that man! She smacks the counter with the palm of her hand. He just loves peaking my curiosity! He knows I can’t stand not knowing. Michele stares after him, biting her lower lip. He’s practically begging me to follow him.She begins pacing the floor, wringing her hands. I’m not going to do it! I’m not giving in, damn it! He’ll just have to tell me when he’s ready to. She sighs heavily and stops pacing. Unconsciously, she rubs the back of her neck. I do trust him not to hurt me. He has had some great ideas in the past...why should it be any different now? She throws her hands in the air. Oh, forget it! I give up! She follows Brock into the bathroom.

“Ok, honey,” Michele says warily, “I agree to your terms. Now, what is on your mind?”

Brock peeks around the shower curtain. “I want you to be my slave for the weekend.”

“Slave?” Michele looks around the bathroom and out the open door, to the pile of laundry waiting by the washer. She chuckles. “I’m not already?”

Brock laughs. “You will enjoy it, I promise!”

Michele raises her eyebrows. “Enjoy what, Brock? What, exactly, do you have in mind?”

“You know,” Brock says, “I do love the way your beautiful green eyes sparkle when you’re curious.” He stares into her eyes for a moment, his dancing with pent up laughter, then closes the shower curtain.

“Brock! C’mon!”

He begins to sing, “Whatever I want… mm hmm… whatever I want…” With a huff of exasperation and rolling her eyes at his song, she leaves the bathroom.

~~~~~

After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. The vision in her mind is making her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.

As the evening wanes, Michele refuses to surrender hope that Brock would again bring up the subject of what he had in mind for her enslavement. Even as they retire for the night, Brock doesn’t mention it again. Standing in their bedroom, Michele takes off her clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor. She climbs into the oversized, four-poster bed and sits cross-legged, pulling the covers over her lap. “Brock, please tell me what your intentions are?”


“Darling, you must know whatever I have in mind will bring you…” his tone changes to the ‘voice of God’ “…Great Sexual Pleasure.” Brock removes his clothes and places them in the hamper.

Michele pounds her hands on the bed. “C’mon, Brock!” Michele continues pleading with him.

“It’s Thursday night, my love… not Friday, there is no need for you to know just yet.” Brock chuckles as he turns out the light. He slips into bed next to Michele, pulls her into his arms and kisses her lips. He lays his head on the pillow and closes his eyes.

Michele curls into Brock’s body and heaves a deep sigh. She slides her hand down his naked body and grasps his flaccid cock. She strokes it into hardness and hears him moan. She kisses his neck and the hollow of his throat. Trailing lower down Brock’s torso, Michele flicks her tongue out in various places and licks him gently. Her hand continues to stroke his cock as she kisses his abdomen, making his skin jump with every brush of her lips. He lightly strokes her hair with one hand and her shoulder with the other. She hears Brock’s breathing change to small gasps and hides a smirk with her next kiss on his warm skin. He groans as her mouth closes over his cock, her tongue dancing around the head. Inch by slow inch, she sucks him into her mouth. As she slides her mouth to the top of his cock, she releases it with a popping sound.

“Brock?”

“Yes, Michele?”

Moving to lay beside him once more, she places one hand on his chest. “Please tell me…” Michele begs. “…It’s driving me crazy!”

“Will it make you happy if I tell you…” he pauses a moment and she tenses in anticipation, “…that I will be telling you what to do sexually this weekend?”

“No, I need to know more than that!”

“NO! I have told you enough for now.”

“Then I’m not going to finish what I started.”

“Fine, Michele. If you agree to begin tonight, I’ll tell you.”

“Yes, okay, whatever Brock!” she says with exasperation in her voice. “Just tell me for God’s sake!”

“Ok…” Brock rolls over on top of Michele and kisses her quickly on the mouth, “…from this moment, until 7 o’clock Sunday night, if I tell you to do something, you do it. Right then, right there, no matter what I tell you to do. No arguments.”

“Anything?”

“Trust me?”

“Yes!”

“Then yes, anything…nothing that’s too much for you to handle or too far for you to go, I promise.” Brock kisses her again and rolls back over.

“Ok,” Michele sighs in resignation and sits up. Clearly he isn’t going to tell her the details until he deems it time for her to know.

“Also, you can’t treat me like your husband,” Brock tells her. Michele frowns and tries to read the expression on his face. The light streaming through the window from the streetlight outside is too dim to see him clearly. “You are to treat me like I’m your master…” Brock’s voice turns dark, “…I am your master, and you are my slave. You will do what you are told or there will be repercussions.”

“What!” Michele is incredulous. Repercussions? What the hell does he mean by ‘repercussions’? We never talked about punishment! Who does he think he is? “Brock? What the hell…?”

He continues in the dark, masterful voice, “Shh, shh…none of that. You will only do what I tell you. You don’t talk, or ask about anything, unless you are told to, is that understood?” He grabs her head and pushes it to his cock, her hands fly out to catch her fall. “Suck it, slave!” Michele doesn’t move, somewhat put off by his behavior, but oddly aroused by it at the same time. Brock just lies there, holding her head to his cock, “I told you to suck it slave, make me cum!”

“What about me…” Michele starts to ask, but stops short when he shoves his cock in her mouth.

“Do not ask questions!” Brock repeats in the same dark tone.

Michele untangles her legs from each other and begins sucking Brock’s cock, a little resentful, but also aroused by his demands. Grasping his cock with one hand, she strokes him as she sucks. Mouth and hand move in opposite directions, meeting in the middle. Using her free hand she cups his balls and digs her nails into his skin, scratching in an upward motion. Michele hears his loud groan and grins. She slides his cock out of her mouth, still stroking him with her hand, and teases the head with her tongue, drawing circles around it. Nibbling and teasing, she brings him to the brink of ejaculation more than once.

“Enough! I’m going to cum on your face, baby.”

Michele isn’t thrilled by the idea, but knows that it’s a long-standing fantasy of his. Willing to give him anything he wants, to please him, she sucks his cock with determination. As his balls tighten in her hand, Brock grasps her hair and pulls on it just hard enough to make her cry out in pain. When her mouth opens, he pulls her head up. His body tenses and jets of semen splatter on her face, coating it from hairline to chin.

“Wellll…that’s the hardest you’ve cum in a long time…” Michele says in wonder, wiping her face with her hand and licking his cum off her fingers. “Mmm…tastes good, babe, as it always does.”

“Oh, my lovely little slave, that’s not all we’re going to do tonight,” Brock says as he reaches into the nightstand and pulls out her dildo. “You are going to use this and masturbate until you cum, while I watch you.” He winks at her in the dim light. “Better yet, I want you to put it in your ass and sit on my face.” Having her dildo in her ass is something that she loves and he knows it. Anal play was one of his best ideas, in her opinion.

Michele takes the dildo and leans across him to the nightstand, grabbing the tube of KY out of the drawer. Once she has the dildo well lubed she straddles his face. Facing his feet, she places one hand on the bed and uses the other to slide the dildo inside her ass. Brock holds her cheeks open for her. “Ohhh…” she moans as the well-lubed toy slips all the way in.

“Oh, God, baby! What an exciting sight!” Brock moans. Wetness gushes to the surface of her pussy. Having her dildo in her ass always makes her pussy extremely juicy. She pumps the fake cock in and out of her puckered hole, slow and steady. Moaning, she feels her clit swell. Aroused to the point of pain now, she pumps the dildo faster.

Brock watches the toy slide in and out of his wife’s ass. Her pussy glistens with moisture. Moving his hands down to her pussy lips, he spreads them wide. He lifts his head and flicks her clit with his tongue. With a squeak of surprise, she bucks her hips, forcing her clit against his tongue. He slides a finger into her dripping hole. Pumping the dildo faster still, she moans louder.

Nearing orgasm she gasps, “Lick my clit, Brock! Oh, oh… yes!” Brock’s tongue presses hard on her clit and he slides a second finger inside her pussy. “Yes! Yes! Ohhhh!” she screams as her orgasm crashes through her body. Her pussy walls contract on Brock’s fingers. Body trembling, arm weak, she collapses on Brock’s torso, gasping for breath.

Brock strokes her body as the trembling eases. She rolls off him, removes the dildo from her ass and makes a note to clean it thoroughly in a little while.

“It’s 9:45,” Brock states as he gets out of bed and turns on the light, “the night is young. We still have some work to do.” Michele slides off the bed and reaches for her clothes. Brock puts his hands on her shoulders, pushing her back down onto the bed. “One more thing, Michele, you must stay naked while we are inside the house this weekend, unless I tell you otherwise.”

“But…” Michele starts to object, but relents quickly when Brock gives her a hard look. Not knowing what is to come, she reluctantly agrees to wear no clothing while they are home. Brock pulls her over to the closet and picks out a dress with a flower pattern. It’s a beautiful dress, nothing flashy about it.

“Put this on and let me see how it looks, babe.”

“To go where?” Michele asks curiously.

Brock gives her bare ass a gentle smack. “Just put it on, like I told you to,” he says in a firm voice. Michele hurries to comply. “No, not quite right. Try this one,” holding up a new red dress, made mostly of spandex.

“You want me to do what! Put this on?”

Brock lets the question slide and just nods. Michele warily puts it on. It’s a short, form-fitting dress, with a built in bra and it accents her supple figure quite well. Tight enough to lift her breasts, and reveal every curve of her body in a sexy, seductive way. She reaches inside her dresser drawer for panties.

Brock puts his hand on Michele’s, stopping her from picking up a pair, “No panties!”

“But Brock!”

He wags his finger at her and chides, “Uh, uh, uh… No arguments!”

Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh. What the hell have I gotten myself into? She slips into her black, lace topped stockings and red high-heeled shoes. When she finishes, he tells her to go put on some make-up and fix her hair. Taking the dildo into the bathroom with her to clean it, she does as he commands. Brock dresses in black slacks and a grey golf shirt while she finishes. Michele returns the dildo to her nightstand. A few minutes later they are ready to go. Michele’s purse is by the door and she picks it up on her way to the car. Brock carefully locks the front door and follows a few seconds later.

Before Brock starts the car he turns to her and says, “I love you, Michele.”

“I love you too, Brock!”

He gives her a soft kiss, “Now, on with the game!” He chuckles as he starts the car.

“Where are we going, darling?”

“You’ll know when get there.” A short drive later, they arrive at a bar they haven’t been to in months. Brock parks the car and comes around to open Michele’s door. He takes her by the hand and helps her out of the car. “We may end up calling in sick to work tomorrow, but we will follow through with whatever happens tonight.”
Michele looks at him nervously, wondering what he has in mind. They enter the bar together and walk toward the pool tables. Fortunately for Brock there is one available.

Brock tosses a dollar down on the table and says, “Go pick a cue and get ready to break.” He gets quarters, inserts them in the table and racks the balls. With cue in hand, Michele bends over the table and starts to break.

“Pull the top of your dress down a little,” Brock interrupts Michele’s break in mid-stroke, “I can’t see.”

Michele looks at Brock with pleading eyes. He just stares back at her. In exasperation, feeling more than a little embarrassed, she pulls the already low cut neckline of her dress down just a little further, leaving her nipples barely covered. She bends back over to make another attempt at breaking, glances at Brock and sees his gaze focused behind her. Curiosity peaks and she looks over her shoulder. A group of men are sitting at the table behind her, staring avidly at her ass as she is bent over the pool table. Springing suddenly to mind is the fact that she is not wearing panties and her dress is Very short.

A deep blush of embarrassment floods her face. Michele stands straight up, effectively covering her naked pussy from view. Pushing on her shoulder, Brock makes her bend back over the table and starts rubbing her ass with the palm of his hand. Suddenly he pulls the hem of her dress up over her cheeks. Bolting upright, she tries to pull it back down and cover herself.

“Bitch, bend back over!” Being called ‘bitch’ sends a small thrill racing through her body. “You’re to do as you are told!” Mark exclaims with as much authority as he can muster. Michele looks at him in shock but bends back over, her face a deep red. I can’t believe he’s exposing me to strangers! He could have at least warned me! They had talked about how arousing the thought of being an exhibitionist was for her.

“Do you guys like what you see?” Brock asks them with a smile. The men at the table nod their heads in unison, huge grins splitting their faces. Brock meets Michele’s stare. The flush on her face and the dangerous glitter in her eyes makes it obvious that she is upset with him. He pulls her dress back down, covering her nakedness from view once more. Brock takes her by the elbow and leads her to the dance floor. A slow song is playing and he takes her in his arms, holding her stiff body close to his.

“Sweetheart, don’t be upset, you’ll like what happens. I promise!” Brock whispers soothingly in her ear.

They continue to dance together and Brock feels Michele finally relax against him. He has been watching the men over her shoulder, taking note of the interest she is generating among them. One gentleman nods at him and he nods back. The song they are dancing to ends and they go sit at a table in the center of the room.

“Pick a man to dance with.”

“I don’t think I want to.”

“It wasn’t a request.”

Michele looks around a few minutes. A man sitting at the bar grabs her attention and she approaches him. “My husband would like for you to dance with me, if you are willing.” The man’s eyebrows raise and he glances quickly at Brock, who smiles at him, nods and waves him toward the dance floor. The man shrugs and takes Michele’s hand. He pulls her tight against his body and Michele looks at Brock in fear. Brock smiles. A reassuring smile which tells her that she will be fine, he’s there if things get out of hand. Soon after that dance ends another man asks her to dance. She dances with three or four different men, each one growing bolder. Her ass is subjected to a periodic grope. She doesn’t realize that the bottoms of her cheeks are hanging out.

When she returns to the table Brock says, “It’s time to go, but first I have a question.”

“What’s that?”

“If you had the choice of any man, except me, for a last fuck who would you pick?”

Knowing he is going to make her answer the question anyway, Michele sees no point in trying to get out of it. She looks around the room. Her eyes come to rest on a man appearing to be in his mid-twenties. If her guess is right he is about twenty years younger than Brock, ten years younger than herself. From the way his t-shirt clings to his chest and his jeans bulge on his thighs she can tell he is athletic. He runs his long fingers through his wavy brown hair and turns to speak to the man sitting next to him at the bar. As he laughs at something the other man says, his whole face lights up and his dimples show. Oooh! Now isn’t he an interesting specimen. Michele’s heart starts to pound a little harder as she looks at the younger man’s chiseled features.

“Him,” Michele subtly points to the man at the bar.

“Nice guy! Here’s the key, go warm up the car,” Brock commands her and he hands her his keys. “I’m going to the restroom, I’ll be right there.”
Like that’s not obvious! Michele laughs inwardly. Ok, Brock, I’ll play your game. Michele goes out to the car and sits there as it warms up. Brock comes out alone several minutes later. Ok…Now I’m confused. Where’s the guy? Maybe he did just go use the restroom. She doesn’t say a word about it aloud and they drive the short distance home.

As they pull in the driveway Michele notices the neighbors standing on their porch. Brock opens Michele’s door and offers her his hand. She takes it and steps out of the car. Brock leans over and whispers in her ear, “Take your dress off, now!” Michele glances at the neighbors and flushes at his request. She darts at Brock in frustration but takes her dress off and hands it to him. Running to the house to avoid prolonged exposure, she doesn’t recall, until she gets to the door, that her keys are in her purse. Brock is carrying it, along with her dress. He strolls up to Michele and opens the door with a grin. He smacks her on her naked ass and tells her to shower and get ready for bed. She looks at the clock on the wall, 12:30, humph, so much for not going to work tomorrow!

As Michele showers, she thinks she hears noises, but can’t be sure. She certainly can’t identify them, but she wonders what Brock’s up to now. She finishes her shower and walks out of the bathroom, toweling her hair dry, still naked.

“Brock? Where are…” Michele starts to ask but stops mid-question as she walks into the living room and sees the man from the bar, the one she told Brock she would fuck if she couldn’t have him, sitting on the sofa. She uses the towel she is drying her hair with to try and cover her naked body. Brock rips the towel out of her hand and snaps her ass with it.

“I told you not to wear anything when we are at home, that includes towels,” Brock admonishes. Michele glances at the man and notices the growing bulge in his jeans. She looks back at Brock with barely concealed irritation.

“Come here, Michele,” Brock demands, holding his hand out to her. Michele steps into Brock’s waiting arm with wariness. “Joe, this is my wife, Michele,” Brock says. “She has been bad and she is being punished, she will do everything she is told. Treat her with respect and not violence.” Michele looks up at Brock and thinks, Oh, my God, Brock! How corny can you get? Brock looks at Joe. Joe nods his head in agreement. “You must be enjoying the view, am I correct?”

“Yes sir, she is very beautiful!”

“She’s a good fuck too, Joe,” Brock boasts, “and she gives one hell of a blowjob.”

Michele looks at Brock, incredulous. She whispers furiously in his ear, “You shouldn’t tell a total stranger that, Brock!”

“Give Joe a blowjob Michelle,” Brock commands.

“Brock! We don’t know him! I don’t think…” Michele starts to argue with him and he smacks her on the ass, making it sting.

He wags his finger at her and reminds her, “You are my slave and you will do as you are told! You know you want to see it, feel it, and touch it. I told you to do it, so get your ass over there and obey me!”

Michele hurries over to comply. The role-playing is doing exactly what she thought it would, allowing her to do things she has thought about, but wouldn’t do without Brock pushing her. She can feel the dampness between her thighs. She unfastens Joe’s jeans and her eyes widen in shock when she sees his enormous cock. My God! It has to be every bit of 9 inches! She looks at Brock in wonder. He winks at her as if to say, ‘You can handle it baby!’ She works Joe’s jeans off and his hard cock springs forward and pops her on the chin. Joe hurries to remove his shirt.

Michele tosses the jeans to the side and kneels between Joe’s legs. She grasps his cock in her hand. Joe’s cock is quite a bit longer and thicker than Brock’s. Michele looks up at Brock with desire filling her eyes. The look in his eyes is pure lust.

“Don’t look at me, Michele, look at Joe!” Brock says with a smile. Michele lowers her mouth and touches the head of Joe’s cock with the tip of her tongue. It twitches with the initial contact and, incredibly enough, seems to grow even larger. She can barely get her hand around it as she strokes him, taking the head into her mouth, barely. She has to use a lot of effort to work it deeper into her mouth, only able to get a third of it in, filling her mouth completely.

Joe leans back and sighs, “Mmm… that feels so good…”

Michele’s mouth meeting her hand’s upward stroke, she sucks Joe’s cock with delight, making loud, slurping noises. She fondles his balls with her free hand, squeezing gently. She can feel his quickened heartbeat through the ridges on his cock. Joe puts his hand on her head and begins thrusting his hips upward toward her face, trying to drive himself deeper into her mouth.

Brock steps up behind Michele, intrigued by watching his wife sucking another man’s cock. Brock waits until he hears Joe’s breathing becoming staggered and sees his balls tighten before he stops her. “Stop, baby,” he says, placing his hand on the back of her head. Joe looks at Brock with a ‘What the fuck!’ expression. “Love, I want you to fuck him,” Brock requests as he strokes Michele’s hair, “right here, right now.”

Michele looks at him with her heart in her eyes, “Are you sure?”

“Don’t question me baby, I told you to,” Brock reassures her with a loving stroke across her shoulders. Michele stands up and straddles Joe’s legs. She starts to reach between her legs to help guide Joe’s slightly curved cock into her pussy and Brock smacks her hand. He reaches between her legs and grasps Joe’s cock himself.

Brock speaks in a breathless whisper. “Hey, baby, just slide back.” As Joe’s cock slides in, Michele starts to feel full, her pussy being stretched wide to accommodate his girth. She sinks slowly down on Joe until she has him all the way in. She looks up at Brock with lust-filled eyes as her clit finally comes to rest on Joe’s pubic bone.

“I want to watch you fuck him and see you cum hard,” Brock groans, holding on to Michele’s shoulders with a light touch. She looks at Brock with a sultry expression and gives him the show he has requested. She rides Joe’s cock with abandon, stroking him in and out of her pussy, teasing him, then bucking against him. Her breaths become gasps and moans. Michele digs her fingers into Joe’s shoulders. A gush of moisture follows every upward stroke, coating his cock in wetness.

Joe’s hands grip her hips and his eyes close. Michele lifts off of his cock, until the only part inside her pussy is the head. She bounces up and down, only allowing the head inside, making Joe groan and pull her hips downward. She resists his efforts. Michele bounces on the head of his cock a couple more times, then in one smooth motion, she thrusts him all the way inside. Joe lets out a loud grunt and buries his face in her breasts. Grinding her clit against his body, Michele’s orgasm builds. It begins with a tingle in her toes and moves with rapid speed up her legs. She fucks Joe faster, searching for release.

“The sound of your voice as you cum is music to my ears, baby!” All of a sudden, she explodes, crying out in pleasure as she reaches her peak. The reminder of Brock’s presence sends her over the edge. Joe looks at Brock with glazed eyes. “Fuck him and make him cum, baby. Let him cum deep inside you, my love,” Brock says in a hoarse whisper. “You do want to cum inside her don’t you Joe?” Joe groans and nods his head yes.

Michele can feel Joe’s cock throbbing inside her pussy, telling her how close he is to cumming. She squeezes her pussy muscles, tightening her grip on his cock as she moves up and down his length, sending Joe over the edge. He shoots his load deep inside her pussy and, as it smacks against her cervix, Michele experiences another intense orgasm. She clings to Joe’s shoulders, her breasts pressing against his hard chest, her breathing labored.

The trembling within her body subsides and Michele climbs off Joe’s lap. “Thanks,” he says. “Maybe we can do this again sometime.”

“Ok, Joe,” Brock says, “Get dressed. It’s time for you to go.” Michele looks at Brock, crestfallen. “What?” Brock asks. Michele says nothing, just continues to look at him. “Ok, Joe… maybe there is something else we can do tonight. Michele, come here baby.” Michele walks over to Brock, with Joe’s cum running down her legs. Brock pulls his hard cock out of his slacks and commands, “Suck it, slut! Suck it hard!”

After a few moments of delicious slurping he bends Michele over the arm of the sofa and slams his hard cock into her pussy a few times as Joe stands there watching and stroking his own semi-hard cock.

Smacking Michele on the ass and slipping out of her pussy, Brock lies down on the floor, “Ride me, baby!” he demands. Michele mounts him, sliding his cock into her pussy. He feels Joe’s cum sloshing around deep inside her and it intensifies his arousal. “Suck Joe’s cock while you ride mine, Michele, make him hard again!”
Joe steps over to them and Michele grasps his cock in her hand, guiding him into her mouth once more. Brock sees Joe’s shaft disappear into Michele’s mouth, one inch at a time, and hardens that much more. He grabs Michele’s hips and lifts his, thrusting into her. She keeps sucking, licking and teasing Joe until he is fully hard again.

“Too fast, baby. I’m going to cum too fast. Stand up, Michele.” Brock looks at Joe. “Take my place on the floor, please?”

“Sure, Brock!” Joe says with enthusiasm. Michele straddles Joe when he lies on the floor and Brock kneels between Joe’s legs. He holds Joe’s cock in his hand, watching and guiding as it slips between the folds of Michele’s pussy. As she takes him fully into her depths, Brock stands and walks over to the end table, getting the KY that he keeps in the drawer. He returns to his kneeling position and rubs Michele’s puckered anus with a well-lubed finger. He continues playing with it, spreading her cheeks wide and expanding the hole with his fingers as Joe begins to buck wildly under her. Brock watches Joe’s cock and balls intently, waiting until Joe is nearly ready to cum again and then stops him.

He slathers KY all over his cock and says breathlessly, “Tonight you get what you have always wanted Michele.”

“Oh, yes…” Michele sighs in ecstasy, another fantasy fulfilled. Sitting fully on Joe’s cock, she leans forward and braces her body with her hands on either side of Joe’s head, not moving for the moment.

Brock positions his cock at Michele’s empty hole and, in one slow, gentle stroke, pushes into it. She feels the initial pain upon entry, but she feels all of the love Brock has for her as well. He slides easily into her and stops to let her body adjust to his invasion.

As Brock pushes into her, the sensations created by both cocks being inside her are too intense for Michele and she cums quickly, moaning out her pleasure. The men begin moving in a rhythm, holding Michele’s hips to keep her still and give themselves leverage. Her pussy and rectum squeeze their cocks as they pump into her. She can feel them throbbing, both ready to cum. Joe’s eyes close and Brock tightens his hands on Michele’s hips as both men release their loads, sending Michele into an final orgasm of such intensity that she nearly passes out.

When the three of them regain their senses, Brock slides out of Michele and helps her to stand. They clean themselves up and Brock turns to Joe as he dresses, “Joe, it’s time for you to leave, thanks for playing with us!”

Joe looks at Brock with a sheepish grin, “Thank you, Brock!” He turns to Michele and says, “And thank you, lovely Michele, it was certainly a pleasure to meet you!”

Brock walks Joe to the door, Michele following close behind them. “See you at work Monday, Joe,” Brock says. Michele gasps, but Joe just grins and walks out the door. So many thoughts run through Michele’s mind that she can’t speak. “Honey, I know your physical type, I knew you would pick Joe. I had to make sure you would be safe. I had him get tested for STDs a little over a week ago.”

“Oh, Brock…” Michele whispers.

Brock locks the door, takes Michele by the hand and leads her upstairs to the bathroom. He turns the water on and adjusts the temperature. He steps under the spray and holds his hand out for Michele to join him. She takes his hand and steps carefully into the shower with him. He washes her body, taking special care with her now swollen pussy. As they finish washing one another he takes her into his arms and kisses her deeply. He turns off the water and they step out of the shower to towel dry.

They go into the bedroom, climb into bed and lay stroking each other’s skin, completely spent, holding each other close.

“Remember, we have until Sunday night at 7 o’clock. Prepare yourself Michele, the whole weekend will be like this for you,” Brock says, kissing the top of her head, “I want to fulfill your fantasies, sweetheart.”

Michele looks at him in surprise, “This is what you had in mind all along? Incredible!”

 

[msboy8]

A good read Minxy. let's see:

1. Are the characters clear? Yes they are very clear. They were very real, especially her thoughts.

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short? Yes, They worked very well, I thought.

3. Does the story itself flow? I liked the flow of the story. It eased into the roleplay very well.

4. Believability issues... Yes, the beginning made it very, very believeable. It made the people real. The only issue I had was the husband taking Joe's cock in his hands. There was nothing in the story to indicate that the husband would want to touch Joe's cock or that Joe would allow it. It would seem to me that since she was the sub, he wouldn't do that unless he had a reason. Also, the possibility of her getting pregnant, but she might be on the pill.

The only idea I have for a title is "My Weekend in Servitude". A very good story, it was a comfortable read, very enjoyable.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi Angel, your enthusiasm and happiness shines through in your writing, which is a joy to see. There is nothing worse than seeing an author tackling the subject of sex/fantasy too seriously!

I’m going to take a guess that this is going in the group-sex category?

I haven’t attempted to answer all of your questions. I’m new to the critique thing, and I’m more of a shower than a teller, so here goes:

Characters

You mention that you need to do a chapter before this. I don’t think you have to, more that you lead up to where the story actually takes off. I know nothing about her before you are already introducing the hubby. Let me into her head a little, set the stage a bit - this need not take more than a few paragraphs if you want. An example of one of things you might want to tell me is what is their relationship like - the sex a bit stale, so they are trying to spice things up with sharing fantasies? - or is he a sex god and can’t keep his hands off of her, yet she has trouble orgasming?

Tied up with this is that a lot is assumed to be known by the reader. Example:

but knows that it’s a long-standing fantasy of his / Anal play was one of his best ideas, in her opinion. / They had talked about how arousing the thought of being an exhibitionist was for her.

But I don’t want to be told, I want you to show me.

She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. The vision in her mind is making her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.

- how did he react to her fantasy?
- how did she feel when she told him? Did telling him turn her on?
- how did this fantasy come about? Had she seen an image in a naughty magazine where the woman dressed scantily in black studded leather was…and raced home and masturbated?

Believability

His masterful-ability

Everything just seems too easy, too polite, too nice. Examples: “Take my place on the floor, please?” I’m finding it difficult to believe that this person could command her masterfully in the way she [or the reader] craves. This point is brought home by: “Mark exclaims with as much authority as he can muster.”

I think you have to remove the safety net she feels she has. It doesn’t seem as if she experiences any twinges of fear or taboo - and I would think this would be at the core of her fantasy.

Example:

Michele looks at Brock in fear. Brock smiles. A reassuring smile which tells her that she will be fine, he’s there if things get out of hand.

Give him a bit of an edge. What if he merely gazes back at her, daring her to do something wicked, doubting whether she could do it. Would this challenge / thrill her / force the exhibitionist in her to rise to the occasion?

Her reactions

Eg. "Take your dress off, now!” Michele glances at the neighbors and flushes at his request. She darts at Brock in frustration but takes her dress off and hands it to him.

I wouldn’t be giving him a look of frustration, but rather a simple ‘fuck off’. These are her neighbours [and who are they - does she see them most days / have them around for dinner often / kids are in the same class / hate them as their dog digs up the lawn?]. This is a prime opportunity to build up the tension by showing his dominance over her by making her do something she secretly wants to do, and showing her arousal at his dominance mixed with uncertainty.

“I told you not to wear anything when we are at home, that includes towels,” Brock admonishes. Michele glances at the man and notices the growing bulge in his jeans. She looks back at Brock with barely concealed irritation.

> for this being someone’s fantasy, she doesn’t seem to be getting into it Why is she irritated and not shocked / curious / intrigued / licking her lips / quivering with desire? Hubby just bought her home a new toy to play with ;-)

Another example is: Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh.
Why not a mixture of shock / dread / excitement / anticipation. Would he really force her to leave the house without panties on? And where did he intend on taking her? The dress was so tight fitting that it would be plain for all to see that she was not wearing knickers. Excitement curled in her belly as she imagined the looks that she would get…

The Story

I want more details. You’ve intrigued me, now I want to be satisfied
Example:
- It’s a beautiful dress, nothing flashy about it. - what makes it beautiful to her?
- Michele looks around a few minutes. A man sitting at the bar grabs her attention and she approaches him. - tell me about the men in the bar, why she [and the reader] would chose Joe over the others.
- new red dress - she bought it on impulse and never had the guts to wear it ’new’, or he picked it up on the way home from work ‘new’?

The weekend
- there is a lot of build-up about her being his slave for the weekend. I was kinda disappointed when it never eventuated. I might have preferred it if Joe was a surprise taster and THEN Mark reveals his plans for her slavehood, and she reacts…

I know this would involve a lot of re-writing eg when he comes home, he has a secret that drives her mad, all through dinner and watching TV. This keeps her on edge, frustrated, pouty etc. But the secret is that he plans to surprise her with a threesome. Ok, ok, not my story! I hope I’m not overstepping the bounds of critiquing here.

Nit-picky things:

*Earth - the unintentional emphasis of the capital E sort of threw me off
* wringing hands - it seems like something my grandma would do
* Italics for her thoughts - like the idea, and it works, but you would have to really bring it to the attention of Lit as the [I*] and [/I*] doesn’t automatically work in my experience. I think it is a manual thing. But others might prove me wrong. Added: same with bold.
* Eg.She rolls off him, removes the dildo from her ass and makes a note to clean it thoroughly in a little while.
She then cleans it a bit later - unless it comes up again, maybe forget the practicalities?
* the voice of god - I‘ve never heard of this saying, is it similar to a news presenter?

You have the makings of a great story here, with lots of chapters. There is so much potential in the story line. You haven’t limited or boxed yourself at all, and with each chapter you can explore a new fetish / fantasy. If you were in the survivor contest I would be patting you on the back right now, as this enables you to explore different categories as the story unfolds.

 

[angelicminx]

msboy8:
4. Believability issues... Yes, the beginning made it very, very believeable. It made the people real. The only issue I had was the husband taking Joe's cock in his hands. There was nothing in the story to indicate that the husband would want to touch Joe's cock or that Joe would allow it. It would seem to me that since she was the sub, he wouldn't do that unless he had a reason.

Good point... The idea behind him doing it is giving his permission, so to speak. I was thinking it might be appropriate, since neither have played a role like this, for Brock to show Michele in this way that he was: 1. Open to the idea of touching another man, and 2. Fine with her fucking another man (faced with the reality, not just fantasty)
Thinking about it now, I suppose that Brock and Joe would have discussed it at work. I just have to figure out how to make that point.

Also, the possibility of her getting pregnant, but she might be on the pill.
Or the depo-provera shot... or had a tubal ligation. The question I have is: How do I clear this up?

The only idea I have for a title is "My Weekend in Servitude".
Thank you. Made a note of it.

A very good story, it was a comfortable read, very enjoyable.
Pleased you liked it! I have been so worried about it's reception. I guess that's normal...

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Minx,

Just another dull evening in the hum-drum life of a typical shy young married couple, right? A fun read.

IMHO, there’s one big overall problem with the story. It sounds more like a vignette, a recounting of a wild evening, than a story with a beginning, middle, and end. You set up a possible change in Michele’s character early in the story, mentioning how she’s a bit inhibited and likes having Brock coax her into trying new things.

But at the end, the only change is that she finally figures out what he was talking about when he came home.

I did a fair amount of line-edit type stuff early in the story but relatively little toward the end. In part because I spotted fewer potential problems and didn’t see any reason to beat a dead horse about the types I’d already mentioned.

Remember, all of my comments are strictly subjective and IMHO type bilge. Do with them as ye see fit and concentrate on the good crits.

Rumple Foreskin

1. Are the characters clear?
RF: Yes

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?
RF: Yes. About right

3. Does the story itself flow?
RF: IMHO, there's a tendency to drag in the beginning

4. Believability issues...
RF: The "B" factor might be higher (the dialogue felt stilted in spots which didn't help) but then almost all Lit stories are a type of fantasy. And not unlike Romance stories, they damn well better not have a downer ending. If you don't believe that, try writing a Non-Consent in which the woman suffers a nervous breakdown from the experience. Then sit back and wait for a new, all-time low score.

--

Michele is in the kitchen when her husband comes home from work. She hears the front door slam and his footsteps as he approaches the kitchen(OMIT “THE KITCHEN”). She is just turning off the stove when Brock steps up behind her. He slides his hands around her waist and pulls her back against his body. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) he kisses the back of her exposed neck, making her moan softly.

“Mmm, I love you darling,” he whispers. (JAS: THE READER CAN’T BE SURE WHO IS SPEAKING UNTIL THE TAG. MOVE IT TO THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE. YOU MIGHT WANT TO “SHOW” HIS VOICE INSTEAD OF JUST “TELLING” THE READER HE’S WHISPERING.)

“I love you too, sweetheart.” She turns her head to look at him. Seeing his mischievous grin, she laughs. “Oh dear, I’m in trouble aren’t I.(?) What are you up to, Brock?”

“Honey, you were asking last night what I wanted to do this weekend and I think(OMIT “AND I THINK” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE, MAYBE WITH “WELL”) I have the perfect idea!” His grin widens. “You have to(JUST USED “HAVE” THAT’S NOT A CRIME BUT CAN CREATE A “SING-SONG” DISTRACTION FOR SOME READERS. MAYBE REPLACE “HAVE TO” WITH “MUST”) agree with whatever I ask you to do. Promise me you will do what I ask? I swear it won’t be anything unreasonable.”

“Brock?” Michele turns away from the stove and into his arms. She locks her gaze on his bright blue eyes as she slides her hands over his abdomen and up his chest. “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“If you don’t agree to the terms,” he kisses her mouth quickly, “I’m not going to tell you what I’m thinking.”

“Honey, please? I can’t agree to do as you ask(OMIT “TO DO AS YOU ASK) without knowing what you have in mind!”

“If you don’t trust me then never mind, just forget about it.” Brock releases her and saunters away, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m going to take a shower!”

“Brock!” He keeps walking, but she can hear him chuckle. “Arrr!” (JAS: MOVE “ARRR” TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. AS IS, SOME READERS MIGHT WONDER WHY HE’S MAKING THAT SOUND WHILE CHUCKLING.)

(IF YOU BUY INTO THAT LAST SUGGESTION, THEN CONSIDER SWAPPING “OH, THAT MAN” WITH THE SECOND SENTENCE.) Oh, that man! She smacks the counter with the palm of her hand. He just loves peaking my curiosity! He knows I can’t stand not knowing. Michele stares after him, biting her lower lip. He’s practically begging me to follow him. She begins pacing the floor, wringing her hands. I’m not going to do it! I’m not giving in, damn it! He’ll just have to tell me when he’s ready to. She sighs heavily and stops pacing. Unconsciously, she rubs the back of her neck. I do trust him not to hurt me. He has had some great ideas in the past...why should it be any different now? She throws her hands in the air. Oh, forget it! I give up! She follows Brock into the bathroom.

(IN THE FIRST 44 SENTENCES YOU’VE USED 7 EXCLAMATION MARKS. THAT ALONE EXCEEDS A WRITER’S MAXIMUM RECOMMENDED USAGE BY ABOUT 5, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW. AND ACCORDING TO THE OLD MS WORD SEARCH FEATURE, YOU USED 65 MORE IN THE REST OF THE STORY. IMHO, BOTH ARE WAY TOO MUCH.

IN OTHER WORDS, LET YOUR WORDS TELL THE STORY, NOT PUNCTUATION MARKS. SAVE ‘EM FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS. BANGING A DRUM ONCE OR TWICE CAN GET ATTENTION. DOING IT 72 TIMES CAN GET TEDIOUS.)

“Ok(NO BIG DEAL, JUST FYI, EDITORS SEEM TO PREFER “OKAY.”), honey,” Michele says warily, “I agree to your terms. Now, what is (“WHAT’S”? IMHO AND TO MY EAR, “WHAT IS” SOUNDS A TAD FORMAL, ESPECIALLY BETWEEN A YOUNG COUPLE) on your mind?”

Brock peeks around the shower curtain.(GOOD SPOT TO SLIP IN A LITTLE DESCRIPTION OF HIS HAIR AND FACIAL FEATURES) “I want you to be my slave for the weekend.”

“Slave?” Michele looks around (USED “AROUND” IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH) the bathroom and out the open door, to the pile of laundry waiting by the washer. She chuckles. “I’m not already?” (GOOD LINE)

Brock laughs. “You will enjoy it, I promise!”

Michele raises her eyebrows. “Enjoy what, Brock? What, exactly, do you have in mind?”

“You know,” Brock says,(OMIT TAG) “I do love the way your beautiful green eyes sparkle when you’re curious.” He stares into her eyes for a moment, his (OWN) dancing with pent(-)up laughter, then closes the shower curtain.

“Brock! C’mon!”

He begins to sing,(PERIOD) “Whatever I want… mm hmm… whatever I want…” With a huff of exasperation and rolling her eyes at his song, she leaves the bathroom.

~~~~~

After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. (WHAT QUESTIONS?) She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of (A) slave she thinks (OMIT “SHE THINKS” THIS IS HER THOUGHTS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO ID HER AGAIN) she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him.(OMIT “IN ORDER TO PLEASE HIM” IMHO, IT ISN’T THE LETTING GO THAT WOULD PLEASE HIM, IT’S THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT ACT. AND IT MIGHT PLEASE THEM BOTH) The vision in her mind is making (SHOULDN’T THIS SENTENCE FOLLOW THE VISION? AND LIKE EARLIER, THIS IS HER THOUGHTS SO YOU DON’T NEED TO ID THEM. MIGHT COMBINE WITH THE SENTENCE ABOUT IT MAKING HER SQUIRM AND MENTION HOW IT DOES BOTH THINGS) her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.

As the evening wanes, Michele refuses to surrender hope that Brock would (YOUR IN PRESENT TENSE, OMIT “WOULD AGAIN BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF WHAT HE HAD” ADD “WILL”) again bring up the subject of what he had(SAME REASON AS ABOVE, OMIT “HAD” ADD “HAS”) in mind for her enslavement. Even as they retire for the night,(JAS: OMIT “EVEN…NIGHT” ADD “BUT”) Brock doesn’t mention it again. (NEW PARA,) Standing (OMIT “STANDING” ADD “LATER”) in their bedroom, Michele takes off her clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor. She climbs into the oversized, four-poster bed and sits cross-legged, pulling the covers over her lap. “Brock, please tell me what your intentions are?”

“Darling, you must know whatever I have in mind will bring you…” his tone changes to the ‘voice of God’ “…Great Sexual Pleasure.” Brock removes his clothes and places them in the hamper.

Michele pounds her hands on the bed. (ADD “AND CONTINUES TO BEG, HERE) “C’mon, Brock!” (OMIT THE LAST SENTENCE) Michele continues pleading with him.

“It’s Thursday night, my love…(COMMA) not Friday,(PERIOD BEGIN NEW SENTENCE)) there is no need for you to know just yet.” Brock chuckles as he turns out the light. (JUST FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, I BELIEVE MOST FOLKS DO IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, THAT IS, GET IN BED AND THEN TURN OUT THE LIGHT.) He slips into bed next to Michele, (NOT IF IT’S AN OVERSIZED BED, UNLESS HE GETS IN ON HER SIDE) pulls her into his arms and kisses her lips. He lays his head on the pillow and closes his eyes.

Michele curls into Brock’s body and heaves a deep sigh. She slides her hand down his naked body(USE “BODY” IN THE LAST SENTENCE) and grasps his flaccid cock. She strokes it into hardness and hears him moan. She kisses his neck and the hollow of his throat. Trailing lower down Brock’s torso, Michele flicks her tongue out in various places and licks him gently.(NEED TO REWORK THAT SENTENCE. MOST FOLKS ONLY STICK THEIR TONGUES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH) Her hand continues to stroke his cock as she kisses his abdomen, making his skin jump with every brush of her lips. (NEW PARA) He lightly strokes her hair with one hand and her shoulder with the other. She hears Brock’s breathing change to small gasps and hides a smirk with her next kiss on his warm skin. (NEW PARA) He groans as her mouth closes over his cock, her tongue dancing around the head. Inch by slow inch, she sucks him into her mouth. As she slides her mouth to the top of his cock, she releases it with a popping sound.

“Brock?”

“Yes, Michele?” (USE NAMES IN DIALOGUE SPARINGLY. FOLKS SELDOM ID ONE ANOTHER IT TWO-WAY CONVERSATIONS. ALSO, IF OLD BROCK IS AT THE “SMALL GASPS” STAGE AND SHE’S JUST STOPPED, ODDS ARE A SIMPLE, “Yes, Michele? MIGHT NOT ACCURATELY REFLECT HIS STATE OF MIND.)

Moving (UP?) to lay beside him once more, she places one hand on his chest. “Please tell me…(OMIT ELLIPSIS” Michele begs. “…(OMIT THE ELLIPSIS) It’s driving me crazy!”

“Will it make you happy if I tell you…” he pauses a moment and she tenses in anticipation, “…that I will be telling you what to do sexually this weekend?” (OMIT BOTH ELLIPSES AND REPLACE THE FIRST WITH A COMMA. THE RULES ON USING ELLIPSIS CAN BE CONFUSING, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE THEY INDICATE A PAUSE. AND IN THIS CASE, YOU SAY HE PAUSES. WHY BOTH SHOW AND TELL?)

“No, I need to know more than that!”

“NO! I have(I’VE? LESS FORMAL) told you enough for now.”

“Then I’m not going to finish what I started.”

“Fine, Michele. If you agree to begin tonight, I’ll tell you.”

“Yes, okay, whatever Brock!” she says with(JAS: OMIT “SHE SAYS WITH” BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE WITH “THERE’S”) exasperation in her voice. “Just tell me for God’s sake!”

--

“Also, you can’t treat me like your husband,” Brock tells her.(OMIT THE TAG) Michele frowns and tries to read the expression on his face. The light streaming through the window from the streetlight outside is too dim to see him clearly. “You are to treat me like I’m your master…” Brock’s voice turns dark, “…I am your master, and you are my slave. You will do what you are told or there will be repercussions.”

“What!” (PROBABLY SHOULD BE A QUESTION MARK) Michele is incredulous. Repercussions? What the hell does he mean by ‘repercussions’? We never talked about punishment! Who does he think he is? “Brock? What the hell…?”

--

(UNLESS ESSENTIAL TO THE STORY, IT’S USUALLY BEST NOT TO GIVE PRECISE MEASUREMENTS (TIME, DISTANCE, BREAST SIZE, ETC). READERS TEND TO STOP READING AND START COMPUTING THE TIME. FOR INSTANCE, LIKE ME, SOME MIGHT BE WONDERING WHAT TYPE OF YOUNG COUPLE GO TO BED THAT EARLY? I’D SUGGEST OMITTING EVERYTHING PRIOR TO “HE GETS” THEN CHANGE THAT “HE” TO “BROCK.”)

“It’s 9:45,” Brock states as he gets out of bed and turns on the light, “the night is young. We still have some work to do.” Michele slides off the bed and reaches for her clothes. Brock puts his hands on her shoulders, pushing her back down onto the bed. “One more thing, Michele, you must stay naked while we are inside the house this weekend, unless I tell you otherwise.”

“But…” Michele starts to object, but relents quickly when Brock gives her a hard look. Not knowing what is to come, she reluctantly agrees to wear no clothing while they are home. Brock pulls her over to the closet and picks out a dress with a flower pattern. It’s a beautiful dress, nothing flashy about it.

“Put this on and let me see how it looks, babe.”

“To go where?” Michele asks curiously.(OMIT TAG)

Brock gives her bare ass a gentle smack. “Just put it on, like I told you to,” he says in a firm voice. Michele hurries to comply. “No, not quite right. Try this one,” holding up a new red dress, made mostly of spandex.

“You want me to do what! Put this(“THAT” HE’S HOLDING THE DRESS) on?”

--

Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh. What the hell have I gotten myself into? She slips into her black, lace topped stockings and red high-heeled shoes. (IMHO, THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH ADDS NOTHING TO THE STORY.) When she finishes, he tells her to go put on some make-up and fix her hair. Taking the dildo into the bathroom with her to clean it, she does as he commands. Brock dresses in black slacks and a grey golf shirt while she finishes. Michele returns the dildo to her nightstand. A few minutes later they are ready to go. Michele’s purse is by the door and she picks it up on her way to the car. Brock carefully locks the front door and follows a few seconds later.

 

[angelicminx]

wishfulthinking

Hi Angel, your enthusiasm and happiness shines through in your writing, which is a joy to see. There is nothing worse than seeing an author tackling the subject of sex/fantasy too seriously!
That's a relief! I'm still so unsure of what I am doing that I'm afraid my stories will seem stiff. (no pun intended, lol)

I’m going to take a guess that this is going in the group-sex category?
I had NO idea where I was going to put it. Thanks!

I haven’t attempted to answer all of your questions. I’m new to the critique thing, and I’m more of a shower than a teller, so here goes:

Characters

You mention that you need to do a chapter before this. I don’t think you have to, more that you lead up to where the story actually takes off. I know nothing about her before you are already introducing the hubby. Let me into her head a little, set the stage a bit - this need not take more than a few paragraphs if you want. An example of one of things you might want to tell me is what is their relationship like - the sex a bit stale, so they are trying to spice things up with sharing fantasies? - or is he a sex god and can’t keep his hands off of her, yet she has trouble orgasming?
Okay. Any suggestions on how to do this?

Tied up with this is that a lot is assumed to be known by the reader. Example:

but knows that it’s a long-standing fantasy of his / Anal play was one of his best ideas, in her opinion. / They had talked about how arousing the thought of being an exhibitionist was for her.

But I don’t want to be told, I want you to show me.
Will expand and see what happens.


- how did he react to her fantasy?
- how did she feel when she told him? Did telling him turn her on?
- how did this fantasy come about? Had she seen an image in a naughty magazine where the woman dressed scantily in black studded leather was…and raced home and masturbated?

Good questions! Will do my best to answer them.

Believability

His masterful-ability

Everything just seems too easy, too polite, too nice. Examples: “Take my place on the floor, please?”Thought, at the time, making the request of Joe more in Brock's nature. However, it's a good point. He does need to be a bit more commanding.

I’m finding it difficult to believe that this person could command her masterfully in the way she [or the reader] craves. This point is brought home by: “Mark exclaims with as much authority as he can muster.”
First: Oh, shit! I can't believe I missed that one! Should not say "Mark" should say "Brock". I changed the name so that the couple didn't have names that started with the same letter... SIGH. Second: Will remove that line. They are just playing a game, but I see your point. I'll go back through once or twice and see what I can do to make him a bit more believable. Thanks!

I think you have to remove the safety net she feels she has. It doesn’t seem as if she experiences any twinges of fear or taboo - and I would think this would be at the core of her fantasy.

Example:
Give him a bit of an edge. What if he merely gazes back at her, daring her to do something wicked, doubting whether she could do it. Would this challenge / thrill her / force the exhibitionist in her to rise to the occasion?
I will delve a little deeper into her mind and emotions. I don't think I sank myself deep enough into the character.

Her reactions

Eg. "Take your dress off, now!” Michele glances at the neighbors and flushes at his request. She darts at Brock in frustration but takes her dress off and hands it to him.

I wouldn’t be giving him a look of frustration, but rather a simple ‘fuck off’. These are her neighbours [and who are they - does she see them most days / have them around for dinner often / kids are in the same class / hate them as their dog digs up the lawn?]. This is a prime opportunity to build up the tension by showing his dominance over her by making her do something she secretly wants to do, and showing her arousal at his dominance mixed with uncertainty.
I'm jumping up and down in excitement, lol. (inside of course ) I missed this opportunity, rushing to get her into the house. Thanks!

“I told you not to wear anything when we are at home, that includes towels,” Brock admonishes. Michele glances at the man and notices the growing bulge in his jeans. She looks back at Brock with barely concealed irritation.

> for this being someone’s fantasy, she doesn’t seem to be getting into it. Why is she irritated and not shocked / curious / intrigued / licking her lips / quivering with desire? Hubby just bought her home a new toy to play with

Another example is: Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh.
Why not a mixture of shock / dread / excitement / anticipation. Would he really force her to leave the house without panties on? And where did he intend on taking her? The dress was so tight fitting that it would be plain for all to see that she was not wearing knickers. Excitement curled in her belly as she imagined the looks that she would get…
Wonderful! Can't wait to get started...

The Story

I want more details. You’ve intrigued me, now I want to be satisfied
Example:
- It’s a beautiful dress, nothing flashy about it. - what makes it beautiful to her?
- Michele looks around a few minutes. A man sitting at the bar grabs her attention and she approaches him. - tell me about the men in the bar, why she [and the reader] would chose Joe over the others.
- new red dress - she bought it on impulse and never had the guts to wear it ’new’, or he picked it up on the way home from work ‘new’?
Terrific questions! This is what I like about SDC, you have raised so many points that I was just too close to see.

The weekend
- there is a lot of build-up about her being his slave for the weekend. I was kinda disappointed when it never eventuated. I might have preferred it if Joe was a surprise taster and THEN Mark reveals his plans for her slavehood, and she reacts…

I know this would involve a lot of re-writing eg when he comes home, he has a secret that drives her mad, all through dinner and watching TV. This keeps her on edge, frustrated, pouty etc. But the secret is that he plans to surprise her with a threesome. Ok, ok, not my story! I hope I’m not overstepping the bounds of critiquing here.
I don't think you overstepped the bounds at all! I am wondering if I should just continue to write it until the weekend is over, and not break it into chapters. Chapters were my original intention. I will keep that idea in mind. I have rewritten this story enough times now that a couple more aren't going to hurt me, lol. I have so much to learn. Every rewrite teaches me something new.

Nit-picky things:

*Earth - the unintentional emphasis of the capital E sort of threw me off
Hmm... figured I needed to capitalize because it's a proper noun.

* wringing hands - it seems like something my grandma would do
You have the image that I wanted... can you suggest a better way to say it so she doesn't portray the "grandma" image? I REALLY don't want that, lol.

* Italics for her thoughts - like the idea, and it works, but you would have to really bring it to the attention of Lit as the [I*] and [/I*] doesn’t automatically work in my experience. I think it is a manual thing. But others might prove me wrong. Added: same with bold.
Thanks for the info! I will make sure it's in the notes when I do finally submit.

* Eg.She rolls off him, removes the dildo from her ass and makes a note to clean it thoroughly in a little while.
She then cleans it a bit later - unless it comes up again, maybe forget the practicalities?
Yes, I hated putting that in there, but I figured that someone would question not cleaning it, lol. I will take it out.

* the voice of god - I‘ve never heard of this saying, is it similar to a news presenter?
The tone I was trying to convey was a deep, booming "voice from the sky" (almost). Hell, I don't even know how to get that across here, LMAO. I can hear it in my head, now to figure out how to get it down in type...

You have the makings of a great story here, with lots of chapters. There is so much potential in the story line. You haven’t limited or boxed yourself at all, and with each chapter you can explore a new fetish / fantasy. If you were in the survivor contest I would be patting you on the back right now, as this enables you to explore different categories as the story unfolds.

Thanks! I thought about entering the survivor contest and chickened out, lol. I might try my hand at it next year, when I know more about writing... Thank you so much for taking the time to critique! You raised so many valid points. I am itching to begin the rewrites.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Hi there Angelicminx. Glad to see another story from you coming up! I will comment on it blow-by-blow as I read, then sum up and hit the general questions at the end. Thank you for submitting to the SDC - it's always a pleasure to get a peep at a work in progress.

Michele is in the kitchen when her husband comes home from work. She hears the front door slam and his footsteps as he approaches the kitchen. She is just turning off the stove when Brock steps up behind her. He slides his hands around her waist and pulls her back against his body. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail and he kisses the back of her exposed neck, making her moan softly.

Acknowledgement of personal preferences - not a big fan of present tense. That said, it has its place. I'm curious about your choice. Were you aiming for a sense of immediacy?

One thought ... you might consider giving this a little more lead-up. Now take that advice with a grain of salt (or several handfuls); we all know that the horse can have a little trouble, ah ... getting to the point. But my thought here is, OK, here's Michele probably about to have sex. But who is she? It doesn't have to be grandiose, but a little set-up would make her a lot more interesting to me. What's she doing in the kitchen? Baking fruitcake? Making triple-chocolate marshmallow fudge? Trying to broomstick the cat out from behind the stove where it's trapped? What she's doing needn't take more a few sentences to describe, but would help me get some idea of who she is and what mood she is in. If she starts miserable and eating Ben and Jerry's Superfudge Chunk straight from the carton while standing at the open freezer, I'll have a different impression of her than if she's singing along to "Walk Like an Egyptian" while cooking a haphazard and rather spattery spaghetti sauce into which she's throwing anything that strikes her eye. Giving her a few lines of introduction here could make her appealing and human.

“I love you too, sweetheart.” She turns her head to look at him. Seeing his mischievous grin, she laughs. “Oh dear, I’m in trouble aren’t I. What are you up to, Brock?”

Nice dialogue there - sweet, unaffected and pleasant. I get a hint of a playful personality, and that makes Michele likable to me.

Oh, that man! She smacks the counter with the palm of her hand. He just loves peaking my curiosity!

I like the inner monologue. Quick spelling note - it's usually "piquing" when used that way.

She begins pacing the floor, wringing her hands. I’m not going to do it! I’m not giving in, damn it! He’ll just have to tell me when he’s ready to. She sighs heavily and stops pacing. Unconsciously, she rubs the back of her neck. I do trust him not to hurt me. He has had some great ideas in the past...why should it be any different now? She throws her hands in the air. Oh, forget it! I give up! She follows Brock into the bathroom.

Here, I wondered if you might offer a little hint on what he'd done before. The phrase "He has had some great ideas in the past" leaves me without an image. On the other hand, "Well ... there was that time in Reno when he'd coaxed her into wriggling out of her panties in a restaurant. She still felt hot and wet every time she thought about it" also tells me that he's had some good ideas in the past, but lets me see one of the ideas and feel her reaction to it. I'm longing to know more about Brock's inventive mind

“Slave?” Michele looks around the bathroom and out the open door, to the pile of laundry waiting by the washer. She chuckles. “I’m not already?”

I like that little note of realism. I also loved the ending of this, with him teasing her and then singing away in the shower. This is nice work - I feel that they are real people with real lives, and the humor and teasing is appealing. Similarly, I love the image of them watching television with Brock just letting her squirm. That's nice work that helps build tension while making the characters appealing.

“Darling, you must know whatever I have in mind will bring you…” his tone changes to the ‘voice of God’ “…Great Sexual Pleasure.”

Laughed. Like it

Sex scene starts well. I like the tease during her oral and her determination to worm his secret out of him. I'm a little torn on her reaction to Brock's claim that there will be punishment. It seemed perhaps a little too negative to me. Is she possibly a little excited by it as well? Just a thought. Through that and the oral she performs on Brock, I felt like I would have enjoyed just a bit of a sense of her enjoying it - whether the physical sensations, or simply the delicious kink of being placed in the "slave" position she has desired. Could you give us a bit more of a sense of the eroticism of the position?

(Felt the same way with the dressing scene. I enjoy the power-play involved in his dictation of her dress; I'd just get more of a sense of it if I could see that she enjoyed it too. Sometimes her reactions come off somewhat more like annoyance.)

Before Brock starts the car he turns to her and says, “I love you, Michele.”

“I love you too, Brock!”

He gives her a soft kiss, “Now, on with the game!” He chuckles as he starts the car.

I liked this little "frame." On the whole I like the way they swing in and out of "character," sometimes playing at master and slave, sometimes laughing and recognizing that they are playing. Good combination.

Bar ... again, good setting and good ideas ... I'd just like to see some more of Michele's reactions to these things. Is she getting excited about being out in public dressed provocatively? Is she torn between embarassment and arousal? Enquiring minds want to know.

“Bitch, bend back over!” Being called ‘bitch’ sends a small thrill racing through her body. “You’re to do as you are told!”

This I like. I get some sense that this is, indeed, arousing to her.

I can’t believe he’s exposing me to strangers! He could have at least warned me!

That sounds a bit more like annoyance, which I think is not precisely what you were aiming for?

“I told you not to wear anything when we are at home, that includes towels,” Brock admonishes. Michele glances at the man and notices the growing bulge in his jeans. She looks back at Brock with barely concealed irritation.

OK, maybe you were going for annoyance. But I'd suggest thinking carefully about how often you go there. I'm not getting much sense that she's enjoying this; she seems more harried or hassled than excited in some of the scenes. All of the actions feel right to me - liked the scene at the bar - but her reactions are putting a damper on it for me. The story started with her saying that she wanted to try acting as a slave, but she seems to find it more of a chore than a pleasure. There's a little reference to her recognizing that she's now getting the freedom she wanted through the control, but more consistant emotion responses throughout would be more convincing to me.

Same thing with the sex really. The physical end is all there, down her wetness when she straddles him. It's great. I would just like some sense of her emotional reactions and excitement.

Dialogue gets just a little stilted during the sex - but then, most people are not at their most eloquent in those circumstances I'd think about loosening it up just a bit. You're great on physical detail - hot and delightfully kinky. I like the intimate sense of bodily presence here.


“Too fast, baby. I’m going to cum too fast. Stand up, Michele.” Brock looks at Joe. “Take my place on the floor, please?”

Joe gets stopped from cumming a fair bit here, and he seems an awfully good sport about it. I'm wondering if you can give him just a bit more development; he's rather colorless at the moment. I know he's just there for his cock, but it would be good to see a little personality in his voice and/or actions.

Hah. I like the comments as Joe departs. I did have a hunch that Brock knew him.

Michele looks at him in surprise, “This is what you had in mind all along? Incredible!”

I'm a little baffled by her surprise here. Surely she's aware that he planned all of this?

In a quick summary, I'd say that the actions, events, and settings are all clear, well-described, exciting, and interesting. The main change I would suggest would be more of Michele's internal reactions to the events and people around her. They would give more power to those events and more depth to Brock (if she thought a little more about him).

And now your questions:

1. Are the characters clear?

Generally they are. I think that Joe could use a little tweaking to give him some color, and as above on Michele's reactions. But I do like the feel of a loving, playful couple coming through. The only thing that undercuts this is what appears at times to be irritation on Michele's part; you might want to cut that back a little.

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?

Seemed about the right length to me and worked veyr well physically. Add in the emotional / personal reaction and they will sizzle nicely.

3. Does the story itself flow?

Structure looked fine; events flow naturally enough.

4. Believability issues...

I did have some qualms with the guys in the bar. Brock's pushing her to be a major tease, and I wondered if in real life men would be so calmly accepting of that. Joe's a bit complacent as well. Other than that, it seemed OK to me.

Edit: Suggestions for a title? I keep coming up blank... SIGH...

Ugh, I am awful with titles. Ummm ... "Releasing the Inner Slut." No, probably too comic. "Trust Me." "Unleashed."

I really am crap at titles. But hope the rest helped -

Shanglan

 

[Black Tulip]

Hi Angel,

I read your story but I will need some time to let it sink in. I will get back to it tomorrow. Not sure what exactly, but there's something I'm not happy with.

Overall I liked it however.



More to follow.

 

[angelicminx]

Wonderful Rumple and Shanglan! I'll do a more indepth response ASAP. I just wanted to let you know that I had read your comments. Loving the SDC process!

BT, thanks hon! Whenever you get the time.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to read and critique for me. I knew there was quite a bit "wrong" with the story, but I couldn't seem to pinpoint what. I am pleased to know that there is so much "right" about it as well.

This particular story has been rewritten at least three times. Each time it just seems to get better. IMO. Rewrites are hard, but fulfilling!

 

[neonlyte]

angelic

I'm away from base and may not be able to do a crit. I have read the story and will send you a PM later if I don't have the opportunity to reply on the thread this week.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Wonderful Rumple and Shanglan! I'll do a more indepth response ASAP. I just wanted to let you know that I had read your comments. Loving the SDC process!

BT, thanks hon! Whenever you get the time.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to read and critique for me. I knew there was quite a bit "wrong" with the story, but I couldn't seem to pinpoint what. I am pleased to know that there is so much "right" about it as well.

This particular story has been rewritten at least three times. Each time it just seems to get better. IMO. Rewrites are hard, but fulfilling!

You're a dear, and I love your cheerful spirit. I meant to add, btw, that I did think this story a great reach on some audience issues we'd talked about with earlier stories. This is an immense and very impressive change from your previous focus and I think bodes very well for your development.

Shanglan

 

[angelicminx]

Rumple:
Minx,

Just another dull evening in the hum-drum life of a typical shy young married couple, right? A fun read.

Thanks!

IMHO, there’s one big overall problem with the story. It sounds more like a vignette, a recounting of a wild evening, than a story with a beginning, middle, and end. You set up a possible change in Michele’s character early in the story, mentioning how she’s a bit inhibited and likes having Brock coax her into trying new things.

But at the end, the only change is that she finally figures out what he was talking about when he came home.

Okay, I will develop it further.

I did a fair amount of line-edit type stuff early in the story but relatively little toward the end. In part because I spotted fewer potential problems and didn’t see any reason to beat a dead horse about the types I’d already mentioned.

Remember, all of my comments are strictly subjective and IMHO type bilge. Do with them as ye see fit and concentrate on the good crits.

I respect your opinion, Rumple. Thanks for taking the time.
Rumple Foreskin

1. Are the characters clear?
RF: Yes

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?
RF: Yes. About right

3. Does the story itself flow?
RF: IMHO, there's a tendency to drag in the beginning

4. Believability issues...
RF: The "B" factor might be higher (the dialogue felt stilted in spots which didn't help) but then almost all Lit stories are a type of fantasy. And not unlike Romance stories, they damn well better not have a downer ending. If you don't believe that, try writing a Non-Consent in which the woman suffers a nervous breakdown from the experience. Then sit back and wait for a new, all-time low score.

Hmm, I might do that. Just for kicks you understand. Hehehe
--

Michele is in the kitchen when her husband comes home from work. She hears the front door slam and his footsteps as he approaches the kitchen(OMIT “THE KITCHEN”). She is just turning off the stove when Brock steps up behind her. He slides his hands around her waist and pulls her back against his body. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) he kisses the back of her exposed neck, making her moan softly.

“Mmm, I love you darling,” he whispers. (JAS: THE READER CAN’T BE SURE WHO IS SPEAKING UNTIL THE TAG. MOVE IT TO THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE. YOU MIGHT WANT TO “SHOW” HIS VOICE INSTEAD OF JUST “TELLING” THE READER HE’S WHISPERING.)

I believe I can do that.

“I love you too, sweetheart.” She turns her head to look at him. Seeing his mischievous grin, she laughs. “Oh dear, I’m in trouble aren’t I.(?) What are you up to, Brock?”

I guess I'm not clear on the use of question marks. My understanding, from what I have read, is: When a question is more of a statement, use a period instead of a question mark. I have been torn about it since I first wrote the line. I have put it in and taken it out so many times that I lost count, lol. Would like to hear other opinions about this.

“Honey, you were asking last night what I wanted to do this weekend and I think(OMIT “AND I THINK” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE, MAYBE WITH “WELL”) I have the perfect idea!” His grin widens. “You have to(JUST USED “HAVE” THAT’S NOT A CRIME BUT CAN CREATE A “SING-SONG” DISTRACTION FOR SOME READERS. MAYBE REPLACE “HAVE TO” WITH “MUST”) agree with whatever I ask you to do. Promise me you will do what I ask? I swear it won’t be anything unreasonable.”

I like the change.

“Brock?” Michele turns away from the stove and into his arms. She locks her gaze on his bright blue eyes as she slides her hands over his abdomen and up his chest. “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“If you don’t agree to the terms,” he kisses her mouth quickly, “I’m not going to tell you what I’m thinking.”

“Honey, please? I can’t agree to do as you ask(OMIT “TO DO AS YOU ASK) without knowing what you have in mind!”

“If you don’t trust me then never mind, just forget about it.” Brock releases her and saunters away, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m going to take a shower!”

“Brock!” He keeps walking, but she can hear him chuckle. “Arrr!” (JAS: MOVE “ARRR” TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. AS IS, SOME READERS MIGHT WONDER WHY HE’S MAKING THAT SOUND WHILE CHUCKLING.)

LOL-Good observation!

(IF YOU BUY INTO THAT LAST SUGGESTION, THEN CONSIDER SWAPPING “OH, THAT MAN” WITH THE SECOND SENTENCE.) Oh, that man! She smacks the counter with the palm of her hand. He just loves peaking my curiosity! He knows I can’t stand not knowing. Michele stares after him, biting her lower lip. He’s practically begging me to follow him. She begins pacing the floor, wringing her hands. I’m not going to do it! I’m not giving in, damn it! He’ll just have to tell me when he’s ready to. She sighs heavily and stops pacing. Unconsciously, she rubs the back of her neck. I do trust him not to hurt me. He has had some great ideas in the past...why should it be any different now? She throws her hands in the air. Oh, forget it! I give up! She follows Brock into the bathroom.

I like the suggestion. I had thought about doing the same thing, then changed my mind.

(IN THE FIRST 44 SENTENCES YOU’VE USED 7 EXCLAMATION MARKS. THAT ALONE EXCEEDS A WRITER’S MAXIMUM RECOMMENDED USAGE BY ABOUT 5, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW. AND ACCORDING TO THE OLD MS WORD SEARCH FEATURE, YOU USED 65 MORE IN THE REST OF THE STORY. IMHO, BOTH ARE WAY TOO MUCH.

IN OTHER WORDS, LET YOUR WORDS TELL THE STORY, NOT PUNCTUATION MARKS. SAVE ‘EM FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS. BANGING A DRUM ONCE OR TWICE CAN GET ATTENTION. DOING IT 72 TIMES CAN GET TEDIOUS.)

I never paid attention to it, obviously, lol. I never knew there was a "rule", so to speak. Thanks, I'll fix it post haste.

“Ok(NO BIG DEAL, JUST FYI, EDITORS SEEM TO PREFER “OKAY.”), honey,” Michele says warily, “I agree to your terms. Now, what is (“WHAT’S”? IMHO AND TO MY EAR, “WHAT IS” SOUNDS A TAD FORMAL, ESPECIALLY BETWEEN A YOUNG COUPLE) on your mind?”

Gotcha. Did mean to change to okay. <grin> I do tend to type things "properly". I did try to correct the dialogue, but obviously missed a few, lol.

Brock peeks around the shower curtain.(GOOD SPOT TO SLIP IN A LITTLE DESCRIPTION OF HIS HAIR AND FACIAL FEATURES) “I want you to be my slave for the weekend.”

Hmm, will work on it. I agree, it is a good spot. I'm glad you pointed it out.

“Slave?” Michele looks around (USED “AROUND” IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH)

Time for the Thesaurus, lol.

the bathroom and out the open door, to the pile of laundry waiting by the washer. She chuckles. “I’m not already?” (GOOD LINE)



Brock laughs. “You will enjoy it, I promise!”

Michele raises her eyebrows. “Enjoy what, Brock? What, exactly, do you have in mind?”

“You know,” Brock says,(OMIT TAG) “I do love the way your beautiful green eyes sparkle when you’re curious.” He stares into her eyes for a moment, his (OWN) dancing with pent(-)up laughter, then closes the shower curtain.

“Brock! C’mon!”

He begins to sing,(PERIOD) “Whatever I want… mm hmm… whatever I want…” With a huff of exasperation and rolling her eyes at his song, she leaves the bathroom.

~~~~~

After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. (WHAT QUESTIONS?) She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of (A) slave she thinks (OMIT “SHE THINKS” THIS IS HER THOUGHTS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO ID HER AGAIN) she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him.(OMIT “IN ORDER TO PLEASE HIM” IMHO, IT ISN’T THE LETTING GO THAT WOULD PLEASE HIM, IT’S THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT ACT. AND IT MIGHT PLEASE THEM BOTH) The vision in her mind is making (SHOULDN’T THIS SENTENCE FOLLOW THE VISION? AND LIKE EARLIER, THIS IS HER THOUGHTS SO YOU DON’T NEED TO ID THEM. MIGHT COMBINE WITH THE SENTENCE ABOUT IT MAKING HER SQUIRM AND MENTION HOW IT DOES BOTH THINGS) her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.

I struggled with this section, as well as the one that follows. I think it still needs to be rewritten. I changed it completely from the original and I think I need to bring some of it back.

As the evening wanes, Michele refuses to surrender hope that Brock would (YOUR IN PRESENT TENSE, OMIT “WOULD AGAIN BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF WHAT HE HAD” ADD “WILL”) again bring up the subject of what he had(SAME REASON AS ABOVE, OMIT “HAD” ADD “HAS”) in mind for her enslavement. Even as they retire for the night,(JAS: OMIT “EVEN…NIGHT” ADD “BUT”) Brock doesn’t mention it again. (NEW PARA,) Standing (OMIT “STANDING” ADD “LATER”) in their bedroom, Michele takes off her clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor. She climbs into the oversized, four-poster bed and sits cross-legged, pulling the covers over her lap. “Brock, please tell me what your intentions are?”

“Darling, you must know whatever I have in mind will bring you…” his tone changes to the ‘voice of God’ “…Great Sexual Pleasure.” Brock removes his clothes and places them in the hamper.

Michele pounds her hands on the bed. (ADD “AND CONTINUES TO BEG, HERE) “C’mon, Brock!” (OMIT THE LAST SENTENCE) Michele continues pleading with him.

Most likely going to cut the sentence entirely.

“It’s Thursday night, my love…(COMMA) not Friday,(PERIOD BEGIN NEW SENTENCE)) there is no need for you to know just yet.” Brock chuckles as he turns out the light. (JUST FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, I BELIEVE MOST FOLKS DO IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, THAT IS, GET IN BED AND THEN TURN OUT THE LIGHT.) He slips into bed next to Michele, (NOT IF IT’S AN OVERSIZED BED, UNLESS HE GETS IN ON HER SIDE) pulls her into his arms and kisses her lips. He lays his head on the pillow and closes his eyes.

My own experience: I have to turn out the light first. It's a wall switch, lol. Good point about the bed. I don't own one, can you tell? LOL.

Michele curls into Brock’s body and heaves a deep sigh. She slides her hand down his naked body(USE “BODY” IN THE LAST SENTENCE) and grasps his flaccid cock. She strokes it into hardness and hears him moan. She kisses his neck and the hollow of his throat. Trailing lower down Brock’s torso, Michele flicks her tongue out in various places and licks him gently.(NEED TO REWORK THAT SENTENCE. MOST FOLKS ONLY STICK THEIR TONGUES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH) Her hand continues to stroke his cock as she kisses his abdomen, making his skin jump with every brush of her lips. (NEW PARA) He lightly strokes her hair with one hand and her shoulder with the other. She hears Brock’s breathing change to small gasps and hides a smirk with her next kiss on his warm skin. (NEW PARA) He groans as her mouth closes over his cock, her tongue dancing around the head. Inch by slow inch, she sucks him into her mouth. As she slides her mouth to the top of his cock, she releases it with a popping sound.

I laughed. I'll definately rework it, lol.

“Brock?”

“Yes, Michele?” (USE NAMES IN DIALOGUE SPARINGLY. FOLKS SELDOM ID ONE ANOTHER IT TWO-WAY CONVERSATIONS. ALSO, IF OLD BROCK IS AT THE “SMALL GASPS” STAGE AND SHE’S JUST STOPPED, ODDS ARE A SIMPLE, “Yes, Michele? MIGHT NOT ACCURATELY REFLECT HIS STATE OF MIND.)

Gotcha. I use names a lot in type, but not verbal conversation. Absolutely right, he's not likely to be so "calm".

Moving (UP?) to lay beside him once more, she places one hand on his chest. “Please tell me…(OMIT ELLIPSIS” Michele begs. “…(OMIT THE ELLIPSIS) It’s driving me crazy!”

“Will it make you happy if I tell you…” he pauses a moment and she tenses in anticipation, “…that I will be telling you what to do sexually this weekend?” (OMIT BOTH ELLIPSES AND REPLACE THE FIRST WITH A COMMA. THE RULES ON USING ELLIPSIS CAN BE CONFUSING, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE THEY INDICATE A PAUSE. AND IN THIS CASE, YOU SAY HE PAUSES. WHY BOTH SHOW AND TELL?)

Done. I admit, I love using them. From what I understood about them, they were used to indicate a pause that's a few beats longer than a comma.

“No, I need to know more than that!”

“NO! I have(I’VE? LESS FORMAL) told you enough for now.”

“Then I’m not going to finish what I started.”

“Fine, Michele. If you agree to begin tonight, I’ll tell you.”

“Yes, okay, whatever Brock!” she says with(JAS: OMIT “SHE SAYS WITH” BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE WITH “THERE’S”) exasperation in her voice. “Just tell me for God’s sake!”

--

“Also, you can’t treat me like your husband,” Brock tells her.(OMIT THE TAG) Michele frowns and tries to read the expression on his face. The light streaming through the window from the streetlight outside is too dim to see him clearly. “You are to treat me like I’m your master…” Brock’s voice turns dark, “…I am your master, and you are my slave. You will do what you are told or there will be repercussions.”

“What!” (PROBABLY SHOULD BE A QUESTION MARK) Michele is incredulous. Repercussions? What the hell does he mean by ‘repercussions’? We never talked about punishment! Who does he think he is? “Brock? What the hell…?”

--

(UNLESS ESSENTIAL TO THE STORY, IT’S USUALLY BEST NOT TO GIVE PRECISE MEASUREMENTS (TIME, DISTANCE, BREAST SIZE, ETC). READERS TEND TO STOP READING AND START COMPUTING THE TIME. FOR INSTANCE, LIKE ME, SOME MIGHT BE WONDERING WHAT TYPE OF YOUNG COUPLE GO TO BED THAT EARLY? I’D SUGGEST OMITTING EVERYTHING PRIOR TO “HE GETS” THEN CHANGE THAT “HE” TO “BROCK.”)

Good suggestion. I do know a couple that go to bed that early, (of course, they get up at 4:30 am too, lol) but most don't. I was afraid that readers would have difficulty with the time frame without an exact number.

“It’s 9:45,” Brock states as he gets out of bed and turns on the light, “the night is young. We still have some work to do.” Michele slides off the bed and reaches for her clothes. Brock puts his hands on her shoulders, pushing her back down onto the bed. “One more thing, Michele, you must stay naked while we are inside the house this weekend, unless I tell you otherwise.”

“But…” Michele starts to object, but relents quickly when Brock gives her a hard look. Not knowing what is to come, she reluctantly agrees to wear no clothing while they are home. Brock pulls her over to the closet and picks out a dress with a flower pattern. It’s a beautiful dress, nothing flashy about it.

“Put this on and let me see how it looks, babe.”

“To go where?” Michele asks curiously.(OMIT TAG)

Brock gives her bare ass a gentle smack. “Just put it on, like I told you to,” he says in a firm voice. Michele hurries to comply. “No, not quite right. Try this one,” holding up a new red dress, made mostly of spandex.

“You want me to do what! Put this(“THAT” HE’S HOLDING THE DRESS) on?”

Oops, lol.
--

Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh. What the hell have I gotten myself into? She slips into her black, lace topped stockings and red high-heeled shoes. (IMHO, THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH ADDS NOTHING TO THE STORY.) When she finishes, he tells her to go put on some make-up and fix her hair. Taking the dildo into the bathroom with her to clean it, she does as he commands. Brock dresses in black slacks and a grey golf shirt while she finishes. Michele returns the dildo to her nightstand. A few minutes later they are ready to go. Michele’s purse is by the door and she picks it up on her way to the car. Brock carefully locks the front door and follows a few seconds later.

I agree, it was filler, lol. I will either delete it entirely or rewrite it to serve a purpose.

Thanks, Rumple. Marvelous suggestions. I'll be taking most of them when I do my rewrite, provided they still fit after following other suggestions. If it's appropriate, I'll post the rewrite here before I submit.

 

[angelicminx]

Shanglan:

Hi there Angelicminx. Glad to see another story from you coming up! I will comment on it blow-by-blow as I read, then sum up and hit the general questions at the end. Thank you for submitting to the SDC - it's always a pleasure to get a peep at a work in progress.

I'm glad to be doing one. (Actually, I have 4 in process.) I have enjoyed the SDC so far. It's everything I had hoped it would be.

Thanks, Rumple, for the post on AH that got me here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelicminx
Michele is in the kitchen when her husband comes home from work. She hears the front door slam and his footsteps as he approaches the kitchen. She is just turning off the stove when Brock steps up behind her. He slides his hands around her waist and pulls her back against his body. Her long brown hair is in a ponytail and he kisses the back of her exposed neck, making her moan softly.



Acknowledgement of personal preferences - not a big fan of present tense. That said, it has its place. I'm curious about your choice. Were you aiming for a sense of immediacy?

Actually, I never thought about it. It seems to be the tense that I write in the most. I guess, for me, it's kind of like watching a movie unfold. I'll have to work on using past tense a little and see what happens.

One thought ... you might consider giving this a little more lead-up. Now take that advice with a grain of salt (or several handfuls); we all know that the horse can have a little trouble, ah ... getting to the point. But my thought here is, OK, here's Michele probably about to have sex. But who is she? It doesn't have to be grandiose, but a little set-up would make her a lot more interesting to me. What's she doing in the kitchen? Baking fruitcake? Making triple-chocolate marshmallow fudge? Trying to broomstick the cat out from behind the stove where it's trapped? What she's doing needn't take more a few sentences to describe, but would help me get some idea of who she is and what mood she is in. If she starts miserable and eating Ben and Jerry's Superfudge Chunk straight from the carton while standing at the open freezer, I'll have a different impression of her than if she's singing along to "Walk Like an Egyptian" while cooking a haphazard and rather spattery spaghetti sauce into which she's throwing anything that strikes her eye. Giving her a few lines of introduction here could make her appealing and human.

You aren't alone in wanting more lead in. Honestly, I had those details written in before this last rewrite. I smiled at the "Walk Like an Egyptian" reference. I just might use something like that, with your permission or course.

Quote:
“I love you too, sweetheart.” She turns her head to look at him. Seeing his mischievous grin, she laughs. “Oh dear, I’m in trouble aren’t I. What are you up to, Brock?”

Would love to have your opinion on the question as a statement "issue". I'm just not sure about it.


Nice dialogue there - sweet, unaffected and pleasant. I get a hint of a playful personality, and that makes Michele likable to me.



Quote:
Oh, that man! She smacks the counter with the palm of her hand. He just loves peaking my curiosity!



I like the inner monologue. Quick spelling note - it's usually "piquing" when used that way.

Thanks! I'm quite fond of that part. On the spelling note: I can't believe I did that! How embarrassing.

Quote:
She begins pacing the floor, wringing her hands. I’m not going to do it! I’m not giving in, damn it! He’ll just have to tell me when he’s ready to. She sighs heavily and stops pacing. Unconsciously, she rubs the back of her neck. I do trust him not to hurt me. He has had some great ideas in the past...why should it be any different now? She throws her hands in the air. Oh, forget it! I give up! She follows Brock into the bathroom.



Here, I wondered if you might offer a little hint on what he'd done before. The phrase "He has had some great ideas in the past" leaves me without an image. On the other hand, "Well ... there was that time in Reno when he'd coaxed her into wriggling out of her panties in a restaurant. She still felt hot and wet every time she thought about it" also tells me that he's had some good ideas in the past, but lets me see one of the ideas and feel her reaction to it. I'm longing to know more about Brock's inventive mind

Great idea! It incorporates the information I was considering writing a preceding chapter for, making it unnecessary to write it. Thanks.

Quote:
“Slave?” Michele looks around the bathroom and out the open door, to the pile of laundry waiting by the washer. She chuckles. “I’m not already?”



I like that little note of realism. I also loved the ending of this, with him teasing her and then singing away in the shower. This is nice work - I feel that they are real people with real lives, and the humor and teasing is appealing. Similarly, I love the image of them watching television with Brock just letting her squirm. That's nice work that helps build tension while making the characters appealing.

Thank you, Shanglan. I'll keep the basic idea intact when I rewrite the scene following the shower.

Quote:
“Darling, you must know whatever I have in mind will bring you…” his tone changes to the ‘voice of God’ “…Great Sexual Pleasure.”

Laughed. Like it

Good, that was the point.

Sex scene starts well. I like the tease during her oral and her determination to worm his secret out of him. I'm a little torn on her reaction to Brock's claim that there will be punishment. It seemed perhaps a little too negative to me. Is she possibly a little excited by it as well? Just a thought. Through that and the oral she performs on Brock, I felt like I would have enjoyed just a bit of a sense of her enjoying it - whether the physical sensations, or simply the delicious kink of being placed in the "slave" position she has desired. Could you give us a bit more of a sense of the eroticism of the position?

(Felt the same way with the dressing scene. I enjoy the power-play involved in his dictation of her dress; I'd just get more of a sense of it if I could see that she enjoyed it too. Sometimes her reactions come off somewhat more like annoyance.)

Yes, her reactions are a problem. The reluctance comes through, but I didn't do a very good job with the appeal, why she wants it, etc.

Quote:
Before Brock starts the car he turns to her and says, “I love you, Michele.”

“I love you too, Brock!”

He gives her a soft kiss, “Now, on with the game!” He chuckles as he starts the car.



I liked this little "frame." On the whole I like the way they swing in and out of "character," sometimes playing at master and slave, sometimes laughing and recognizing that they are playing. Good combination.

Oh, I'm so glad you got it! I need to make it a little more clear, I think.

Bar ... again, good setting and good ideas ... I'd just like to see some more of Michele's reactions to these things. Is she getting excited about being out in public dressed provocatively? Is she torn between embarassment and arousal? Enquiring minds want to know.

Enquiring minds will be satiated, lol. Complete rewrite will commence as soon as possible.

Quote:

“Bitch, bend back over!” Being called ‘bitch’ sends a small thrill racing through her body. “You’re to do as you are told!”



This I like. I get some sense that this is, indeed, arousing to her.


Quote:
I can’t believe he’s exposing me to strangers! He could have at least warned me!



That sounds a bit more like annoyance, which I think is not precisely what you were aiming for?

Not quite, no. I just meant to indicate he should have prepared her for it, not that it pissed her off.

Quote:

“I told you not to wear anything when we are at home, that includes towels,” Brock admonishes. Michele glances at the man and notices the growing bulge in his jeans. She looks back at Brock with barely concealed irritation.



OK, maybe you were going for annoyance. But I'd suggest thinking carefully about how often you go there. I'm not getting much sense that she's enjoying this; she seems more harried or hassled than excited in some of the scenes. All of the actions feel right to me - liked the scene at the bar - but her reactions are putting a damper on it for me. The story started with her saying that she wanted to try acting as a slave, but she seems to find it more of a chore than a pleasure. There's a little reference to her recognizing that she's now getting the freedom she wanted through the control, but more consistant emotion responses throughout would be more convincing to me.

I agree, now that I have seen it through other people's yes.

Same thing with the sex really. The physical end is all there, down her wetness when she straddles him. It's great. I would just like some sense of her emotional reactions and excitement.

Dialogue gets just a little stilted during the sex - but then, most people are not at their most eloquent in those circumstances I'd think about loosening it up just a bit. You're great on physical detail - hot and delightfully kinky. I like the intimate sense of bodily presence here.

Definately will loosen it up. Thank you. I was afraid it wasn't enough and I didn't know how to add more.

“Too fast, baby. I’m going to cum too fast. Stand up, Michele.” Brock looks at Joe. “Take my place on the floor, please?”

Joe gets stopped from cumming a fair bit here, and he seems an awfully good sport about it. I'm wondering if you can give him just a bit more development; he's rather colorless at the moment. I know he's just there for his cock, but it would be good to see a little personality in his voice and/or actions.

Good point. I spent no time on Joe. I just kind of dropped him in like a puppet. I will color him and hopefully make him three dimensional.

Hah. I like the comments as Joe departs. I did have a hunch that Brock knew him.

<Smiling> I enjoyed writing that part and couldn't wait to see reaction.

Quote:
Michele looks at him in surprise, “This is what you had in mind all along? Incredible!”

I'm a little baffled by her surprise here. Surely she's aware that he planned all of this?

That should have been changed. In my rush to finish the last rewrite, I forgot to fix it, lol.

In a quick summary, I'd say that the actions, events, and settings are all clear, well-described, exciting, and interesting. The main change I would suggest would be more of Michele's internal reactions to the events and people around her. They would give more power to those events and more depth to Brock (if she thought a little more about him).

And now your questions:


Quote:
1. Are the characters clear?



Generally they are. I think that Joe could use a little tweaking to give him some color, and as above on Michele's reactions. But I do like the feel of a loving, playful couple coming through. The only thing that undercuts this is what appears at times to be irritation on Michele's part; you might want to cut that back a little.

I will.

Quote:
2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?



Seemed about the right length to me and worked veyr well physically. Add in the emotional / personal reaction and they will sizzle nicely.

I like sizzle, hehehe.

Quote:
3. Does the story itself flow?



Structure looked fine; events flow naturally enough.


Quote:
4. Believability issues...




I did have some qualms with the guys in the bar. Brock's pushing her to be a major tease, and I wondered if in real life men would be so calmly accepting of that. Joe's a bit complacent as well. Other than that, it seemed OK to me.

I do know a few men who are like that, believe it or not. Like Brock and the men in the bar.

Quote:
Edit: Suggestions for a title? I keep coming up blank... SIGH...



Ugh, I am awful with titles. Ummm ... "Releasing the Inner Slut." No, probably too comic. "Trust Me." "Unleashed."

I like "Unleashed". Unless I get a better suggestion, I'd like to use it.

I really am crap at titles. But hope the rest helped -

Shanglan

Very helpful Shanglan. IMO, you are a brilliant writer. I am honored to have your opinion. I intend to make the most of your suggestions. It took more than 30 hours to do the last rewrite, so don't expect fast results, lol.

 

[angelicminx]

You're a dear, and I love your cheerful spirit. I meant to add, btw, that I did think this story a great reach on some audience issues we'd talked about with earlier stories. This is an immense and very impressive change from your previous focus and I think bodes very well for your development.

Shanglan

Aww... thank you, Shanglan! You have taught me so much.

 

[angelicminx]

angelic

I'm away from base and may not be able to do a crit. I have read the story and will send you a PM later if I don't have the opportunity to reply on the thread this week.

Thanks, Neon. I appreciate it.

 

[Penelope Street]

Oh. Drat. Now that Rumple and Shanglan have posted, there's nothing left to say.

1. Are the characters clear?
For the length, I think they are adequate, but not stellar. There are some nice touches, but then there are some places that left me shaking my head, mostly near the end where I thought the characterization wandered some to suit the plot.

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?
They didn't do anything for me, but I usually need a longer buildup so this is no surprise.

3. Does the story itself flow?
Not bad. There are a few slow parts where I found the focus was a little too detailed regarding mundane things that really don't matter.

4. Believability issues...
I thought the events of the evening were a little much for a weeknight when the woman wasn't expecting anything. As the story appears to be intended as more fun than serious, I'm don't believe this is a major problem. I'd have believed it a bit more if she only agreed to the game after stewing about it all day Friday.

I loved this line, especially that he sings it:
He begins to sing, “Whatever I want… mm hmm… whatever I want…”

I think that Brock is an oafish dom is realistic and that you had Michele notice this at least twice clarified that it was an intentional decision on your part. That said, this might be a good time to sacrifice a little in the realism department. Because of how many times Michele is insubordinate without repercussions, I never got the impression that she believes she's really a slave, that she's fully "into it." That she issues instructions that he follows during the anal dildo scene underscores this. And this ponytail in the first paragraph, did I miss where he uses it as a leash?

Part of the thrill of any kind of kinky game like this is the novelty, so I think it works best if Brock takes her someplace she has never been.

The bit about the co-worker is clever enough, but that Brock would be sure she'd pick Joe, that's a bit of a stretch. What if Brock knows all four men at that table because they are all acquaintances (ok, a different stretch perhaps) and he tells her to dance with each of them and then lets he pick one? If that's the case, it seems that Brock did more planning and left less to chance- thus it's more romantic in my opinion. Plus, if the men know one of them gets to fuck her, well, they'd be awfully nice to her, now wouldn't they? That could be cute too. Speaking of planned, how is it Brock knows Michele is going to agree to this on Thursday instead of Friday?

This is a bit jarring.
“Bitch, bend back over!” Being called ‘bitch’ sends a small thrill racing through her body.
That we are told afterward that Michele likes it softens the jolt a bit, but some type of foreshadowing might work much better.

Brock and Joe's dialogue seems stiff. Is that an intentional reflection of the awkward situation they, as co-workers, find themselves in?

I didn't care for the light-hearted tone at first, but considering the finished piece, I think the style lends a nice air to a fun little story.

As for a title, Black Shanglan is such a prevaricator. "Trust Me" is a most clever suggestion.

Take Care,
Penny


P.S.

* wringing hands - it seems like something my grandma would do

I hope this doesn't mean my daughter is pregnant!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Just a quick post for one or two things that seemed to ask for answers -

I smiled at the "Walk Like an Egyptian" reference. I just might use something like that, with your permission or course.

Of course Not that I, um, ever do that in my kitchen ...

“I love you too, sweetheart.” She turns her head to look at him. Seeing his mischievous grin, she laughs. “Oh dear, I’m in trouble aren’t I. What are you up to, Brock?”

Would love to have your opinion on the question as a statement "issue". I'm just not sure about it.

Oh yes. Sorry, somehow missed that. I think it should be a question mark there. But then, I didn't notice it at all the first time, so for me it wasn't a big issue.

I can’t believe he’s exposing me to strangers! He could have at least warned me!


That sounds a bit more like annoyance, which I think is not precisely what you were aiming for?

Not quite, no. I just meant to indicate he should have prepared her for it, not that it pissed her off.

But should he have? Or is she on some level excited by the further pushing of her boundaries and removal of her control? Just a thought.


Shanglan

 

[wishfulthinking]

I suck at titles. I have a series called Innocent Pawn, and I got an email saying they thought I had tried to be tricky with Innocent Porn, but it seemed not.

You asked for it:

Inhibitions Unleashed Ch.01 [I like the "unleashed" mentioned above]

Michelle's Not So Secret Fantasies Ch.01

 

[Black Tulip]

Hi Angel,

I'll give you my comments as I made them while reading your story for a second time. It's possible some of it and maybe all is old news by now because I have not yet read what the others have posted.

* * *

The first paragraph has kind of short, staccato sentences. For me at least, it was a bit choppy in reading.

Oh, that man! She smacks the counter with the palm of her hand. He just loves peaking my curiosity! He knows I can’t stand not knowing. Michele stares after him, biting her lower lip. He’s practically begging me to follow him.She begins pacing the floor, wringing her hands.

I find wringing an odd choice here. It gives me the impression of despair, worry, something like that. If you mean to convey a feeling of irritation why not use something like kicking, scuffing the toe of your shoe, tapping a foot, biting your lip, frowning?

the ‘voice of God’

I don't understand what you mean by that. Or am I missing an American reference here?

Brock’s voice turns dark

Do you mean to say his voice sounds lower? Not sure about this. But again, this could be me missing a reference. LOL

“It’s 9:45,” Brock states as he gets out of bed and turns on the light

I had to scroll back up to see he had indeed turned out the light earlier on. It struck me as somewhat incongruous to put out the light before getting into a round of bedsport like they did.

“Do you guys like what you see?” Brock asks them with a smile. The men at the table nod their heads in unison, huge grins splitting their faces. Brock meets Michele’s stare. The flush on her face and the dangerous glitter in her eyes makes it obvious that she is upset with him. He pulls her dress back down, covering her nakedness from view once more. Brock takes her by the elbow and leads her to the dance floor. A slow song is playing and he takes her in his arms, holding her stiff body close to his.

“Sweetheart, don’t be upset, you’ll like what happens. I promise!” Brock whispers soothingly in her ear.

They continue to dance together and Brock feels Michele finally relax against him. He has been watching the men over her shoulder, taking note of the interest she is generating among them.

I find this a good example of the tenderness and consideration you gave Brock. It's very nice, but I am wondering if this behavior is in character with someone who can order his wife around as his sex slave. Maybe Doc. can shed his light on it.

She doesn’t realize that the bottoms of her cheeks are hanging out.

This could be me and a wrong connotation but this sentence had me frowning a bit. It painted a non-erotic picture as hanging out suggests something sloppy, unattractive here. (for me )

As they pull in the driveway Michele notices the neighbors standing on their porch. Brock opens Michele’s door and offers her his hand. She takes it and steps out of the car. Brock leans over and whispers in her ear, “Take your dress off, now!” Michele glances at the neighbors and flushes at his request. She darts ... at Brock in frustration but takes her dress off and hands it to him. Running to the house to avoid prolonged exposure, she doesn’t recall, until she gets to the door, that her keys are in her purse.

In front of the neighbors??? Ok, that could be sexy because of the dare, but I expect her to give in a little less easy. Besides, the showing off earlier in the evening was upsetting to her and he stopped it. That is inconsistent to me.

“Come here, Michele,” Brock demands, holding his hand out to her. Michele steps into Brock’s waiting arm with wariness. “Joe, this is my wife, Michele,” Brock says. “She has been bad and she is being punished, she will do everything she is told. Treat her with respect and not violence.” Michele looks up at Brock and thinks, Oh, my God, Brock! How corny can you get? Brock looks at Joe. Joe nods his head in agreement. “You must be enjoying the view, am I correct?”

Here, the sentences are staccato again. Short, choppy and a bit stilted in the conversation.

He winks at her as if to say, ‘You can handle it baby!’

I liked this. A nice touch of support. Did it make her proud?

She works Joe’s jeans off and his hard cock springs forward and pops her on the chin. Joe hurries to remove his shirt.

But why did you let his cock pop her on the chin? Please, don't! That makes it comical or embarrassing.

He shoots his load deep inside her pussy and, as it smacks against her cervix, Michele experiences another intense orgasm.

I associate smack with the sound of a flat hand hitting something. Maybe a more squishy word would be better here.

“Too fast, baby. I’m going to cum too fast. Stand up, Michele.” Brock looks at Joe. “Take my place on the floor, please?”

Please? Are you that polite in the middle of a hot fuck?

Brock locks the door, takes Michele by the hand and leads her upstairs to the bathroom. He turns the water on and adjusts the temperature. He steps under the spray and holds his hand out for Michele to join him. She takes his hand and steps carefully into the shower with him. He washes her body, taking special care with her now swollen pussy. As they finish washing one another he takes her into his arms and kisses her deeply. He turns off the water and they step out of the shower to towel dry.

Again a good example of his tender love and care.

On a general note, I think you should do something about the dialogue. I don't think people call each other by name that often.

“Brock?”

“Yes, Michele?”

Ok, that was my griping.

Please keep in mind, these are comments because you asked for them.
If this was just a story among others I was reading for fun, I doubt I would have had that much complaints.

I like the story but I think you can make it better, hotter.

1. Are the characters clear?

Michele is ok, but Brock is a but schizoid to me. He is tender and loving but on the other hand he is a dominant male, or at least trying to be one. I think you need to make a choice what character he is.

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?

I think you can make them more interesting by giving attention to the inner feelings of Michelle. Most of your story is from the outside. You let us know what she thinks sometimes, but not what she feels. What are the sensations of her body?

3. Does the story itself flow?

Apart from the occasional bit with short sentences, I think it's ok.

4. Believability issues...

For me Michelle gives in too quick. Even if it is about a long known fantasy, she has to overcome fear, embarrassment or something like that to actually do it. I don't think it's enough that he says it's ok. And you could tell us about the nervous knot in her stomach or the shiver down her spine or the goosebumps, together with getting turned on. Well, I guess you get my drift. LOL

* * *

I hope there is something here you can use and please keep in mind, this is no more than the opinion of one person. Feel free to dump all of it.

Off to read what others have said.



Edited: as for the statement issue, I would use a ?

Titles:
Loosening up, Trust me, I DO love you, Setting free Michelle
I think the last one needs another name than Michelle.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Hi, Minxie. Sorry to be coming in so late. This is Wednesday night now.

This is the kind of story I like. It seemed a bit far-fetched but these are fantasies and we can stretch our imaginations a little.

The story is written in the present tense. It actually reads like a screenplay. I find this distracting. I don’t think present tense can work when the story is spread over that long a period.

You misspelled “piquing” as in “loves piquing my curiosity”, not “loves peaking my curiosity”. Spellcheck won’t catch this one.

This paragraph doesn’t seem to read right:
After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. The vision in her mind is making her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.

It might work better more like:
[i[After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy, how there are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave, she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. She has a vision in her mind and it’s making her nervous. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.

Possibly there should be a paragraph at “She has a vision”

You said:
Trailing lower down Brock’s torso, Michele flicks her tongue out in various places and licks him gently.

You can be much more explicit that that, especially mentioning his nipples.

She kisses his abdomen

That sounds too clinical. Why not belly or stomach or possibly some description of him?

Moving to lay beside him Should be Moving to lie beside him

The first sex scene is pretty hot although, personally, I prefer to include more detail. The second part presents a problem, however. She is pumping a dildo in and out of her ass while he is licking her clit. The upper part of his face is directly under her ass. The KY Jelly would be liquefying and running out of her onto his face, which would be very messy and unpleasant. It would work better if she is lying on her back, possibly with some pillows propping her ass up.

I think he would have preferred having the light on also. There would be a much better view of her using the dildo than depending on the streetlight through the window. In fact, if the streetlight were that bright, they would have done something to block it.

You said:
Brock puts his hand on Michele’s, stopping her from picking up a pair, “No panties!”

“But Brock!”

He wags his finger at her and chides, “Uh, uh, uh… No arguments!”

Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh. What the hell have I gotten

If he prevented her from picking up the panties, she couldn’t have dropped them.

When they went to the bar, did they drink anything?

How short was that dress anyhow? Bending over to shoot pool, I can see how her ass would have been exposed but was it so short she would be hanging out on the dance floor also? If Brock were pulling the dress up, that would do it.

She doesn’t realize that the bottoms of her cheeks are hanging out.

This doesn't seem like a very erotic choice of words. Maybe it's the words "hanging out". It might be better to sasy something more like "She doesn't realize that her ass is fully in the view of everybody behind her."

I find it strange the neighbors would be up that late on a Thursday night. I also wonder about Michelle streaking them. Since she probably sees them every day, this might have been overdoing it.

When they pick up a stranger at the bar and he fucks Michelle, I can’t believe they wouldn’t use a condom. I know it would cut down on the fun but even so, I can’t believe they would do something that risky. OK, I read to the end but I still don’t believe that Michelle wouldn’t have insisted on a condom. She didn’t know Joe.

I liked the second sex scene. I tend to use a little more detail but I might overdo it.

“Thanks,” he says. “Maybe we can do this again sometime.”

This should have been a separate paragraph.

Brock had Joe waiting for them in the bar. How could he have been so sure that Michelle would be willing to go along with the idea and that she would be willing to start the weekend on Thursday night?

I suppose Joe would call in sick the next day also.

Speaking of that, they still have Friday, Saturday and Sunday ahead of them. What do they do for an encore? This seems like starting a meal with a bushel basket of salad. You wouldn’t have any room for the entrée.

The characters are clear enough except for Joe, who seems to be too much of a stereotype. He is not that important a character anyhow.

To me, the story was believable enough for fantasy, except for some things I pointed out.

The story flowed allright except that I had problems with the present tense.

All in all, I enjoyed the story. What category would it go into? Loving Wives? For a title, how about “Sex Slave for a Weekend”?

 

[angelicminx]

Penelope Street

Oh. Drat. Now that Rumple and Shanglan have posted, there's nothing left to say.

LOL.

1. Are the characters clear?
For the length, I think they are adequate, but not stellar. There are some nice touches, but then there are some places that left me shaking my head, mostly near the end where I thought the characterization wandered some to suit the plot.

Working on that.

2. Do the sex scenes work? Are they too long/ short?
They didn't do anything for me, but I usually need a longer buildup so this is no surprise.

I'm not sure how to make them longer, but I'll take a closer look at them and try.

3. Does the story itself flow?
Not bad. There are a few slow parts where I found the focus was a little too detailed regarding mundane things that really don't matter.

Hmmm... not sure what to cut, if anything. Food for thought.

4. Believability issues...
I thought the events of the evening were a little much for a weeknight when the woman wasn't expecting anything. As the story appears to be intended as more fun than serious, I'm don't believe this is a major problem. I'd have believed it a bit more if she only agreed to the game after stewing about it all day Friday.

It was intended to be fun. Neither want to live in their roles, just play with them a little. I'll find a way to convey what's on my mind with making it happen on a weeknight a little better.

I loved this line, especially that he sings it:
He begins to sing, “Whatever I want… mm hmm… whatever I want…”

Thanks.

I think that Brock is an oafish dom is realistic and that you had Michele notice this at least twice clarified that it was an intentional decision on your part. That said, this might be a good time to sacrifice a little in the realism department. Because of how many times Michele is insubordinate without repercussions, I never got the impression that she believes she's really a slave, that she's fully "into it." That she issues instructions that he follows during the anal dildo scene underscores this. And this ponytail in the first paragraph, did I miss where he uses it as a leash?

She isn't really a slave. It's more an excuse to break out of her inhibitions than anything else. It wasn't intended that she be totally dominated, just given "permission", so to speak, to fulfill her fantasies. Brock doesn't really know how to dom, any more than Michele knows how to sub, it's just a game for them to play. I'll be reworking it and trying to make these points a little more clear.

Part of the thrill of any kind of kinky game like this is the novelty, so I think it works best if Brock takes her someplace she has never been.

I'll consider this point.

The bit about the co-worker is clever enough, but that Brock would be sure she'd pick Joe, that's a bit of a stretch. What if Brock knows all four men at that table because they are all acquaintances (ok, a different stretch perhaps) and he tells her to dance with each of them and then lets he pick one? If that's the case, it seems that Brock did more planning and left less to chance- thus it's more romantic in my opinion. Plus, if the men know one of them gets to fuck her, well, they'd be awfully nice to her, now wouldn't they? That could be cute too. Speaking of planned, how is it Brock knows Michele is going to agree to this on Thursday instead of Friday?

Brock would know enough about Michele to be aware of her tastes. I will write in something about it though. Had she not picked Joe, Brock would have left at the same time Michele did and gone on to one of his other ideas when they got home.

He knows her curiosity would not let her rest until she knew. That was the point of not telling her more until she agreed to begin right then.

This is a bit jarring.
“Bitch, bend back over!” Being called ‘bitch’ sends a small thrill racing through her body.
That we are told afterward that Michele likes it softens the jolt a bit, but some type of foreshadowing might work much better.

Point noted. I'll work on it.

Brock and Joe's dialogue seems stiff. Is that an intentional reflection of the awkward situation they, as co-workers, find themselves in?

Nope, just poor writing. Will loosen them up a little bit.

I didn't care for the light-hearted tone at first, but considering the finished piece, I think the style lends a nice air to a fun little story.

Thanks. Fun was my whole point.

As for a title, Black Shanglan is such a prevaricator. "Trust Me" is a most clever suggestion.

Take Care,
Penny


P.S.
I hope this doesn't mean my daughter is pregnant!

 

[angelicminx]

Rumple:
RF: The "B" factor might be higher (the dialogue felt stilted in spots which didn't help) but then almost all Lit stories are a type of fantasy. And not unlike Romance stories, they damn well better not have a downer ending. If you don't believe that, try writing a Non-Consent in which the woman suffers a nervous breakdown from the experience. Then sit back and wait for a new, all-time low score.

Hmm, I might do that. Just for kicks you understand. Hehehe

Just wanted to thank you, Rumple, for sparking the idea for "Lustful Leeves". I used what you said as a joke on the support thread and you see where it went.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Just wanted to thank you, Rumple, for sparking the idea for "Lustful Leeves". I used what you said as a joke on the support thread and you see where it went.

You mean I did something right? Glad something I said helped. To me, that's part of the fun of SDC, sharing thoughts on writing and maybe kick starting new story ideas. "Lustful Leeves" has to be one of the more unique stories I've ever come across. It would have made a VERY interesting submission for the SDC to go over.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[angelicminx]

Black Tulip:

Hi Angel,

I'll give you my comments as I made them while reading your story for a second time. It's possible some of it and maybe all is old news by now because I have not yet read what the others have posted.

* * *

The first paragraph has kind of short, staccato sentences. For me at least, it was a bit choppy in reading.

Will revise as best I can...

I find wringing an odd choice here. It gives me the impression of despair, worry, something like that. If you mean to convey a feeling of irritation why not use something like kicking, scuffing the toe of your shoe, tapping a foot, biting your lip, frowning?

I wanted to convey her twisting her hands together, scratching the palm of one hand with the nails of the other, rubbing the palm with the opposite thumb. I don't quite know how to do that without being wordy. It's something I do when I'm torn about something.

Quote:
the ‘voice of God’

I don't understand what you mean by that. Or am I missing an American reference here?

Just meant... like a voice from above kind of thing...

Quote:
Brock’s voice turns dark

Do you mean to say his voice sounds lower? Not sure about this. But again, this could be me missing a reference. LOL

Lower, in control... not sure how else to explain it, but I reckon I should find a way, lol.

I had to scroll back up to see he had indeed turned out the light earlier on. It struck me as somewhat incongruous to put out the light before getting into a round of bedsport like they did.

Wasn't a planned round. The intention was to coax the information out of him.

I find this a good example of the tenderness and consideration you gave Brock. It's very nice, but I am wondering if this behavior is in character with someone who can order his wife around as his sex slave. Maybe Doc. can shed his light on it.

It is if it's done strictly for fun... at least that's what I was shooting for...

Quote:
She doesn’t realize that the bottoms of her cheeks are hanging out.

This could be me and a wrong connotation but this sentence had me frowning a bit. It painted a non-erotic picture as hanging out suggests something sloppy, unattractive here. (for me )

I agree. I'll either revise it or remove it altogether.

Quote:
As they pull in the driveway Michele notices the neighbors standing on their porch. Brock opens Michele’s door and offers her his hand. She takes it and steps out of the car. Brock leans over and whispers in her ear, “Take your dress off, now!” Michele glances at the neighbors and flushes at his request. She darts ... at Brock in frustration but takes her dress off and hands it to him. Running to the house to avoid prolonged exposure, she doesn’t recall, until she gets to the door, that her keys are in her purse.

In front of the neighbors??? Ok, that could be sexy because of the dare, but I expect her to give in a little less easy. Besides, the showing off earlier in the evening was upsetting to her and he stopped it. That is inconsistent to me.

Honestly, I'm not crazy about the scene myself. Though I am excited by the idea of adding tension. I'll either rewrite it as suggested earlier, or remove it.


Quote:
“Come here, Michele,” Brock demands, holding his hand out to her. Michele steps into Brock’s waiting arm with wariness. “Joe, this is my wife, Michele,” Brock says. “She has been bad and she is being punished, she will do everything she is told. Treat her with respect and not violence.” Michele looks up at Brock and thinks, Oh, my God, Brock! How corny can you get? Brock looks at Joe. Joe nods his head in agreement. “You must be enjoying the view, am I correct?”

Here, the sentences are staccato again. Short, choppy and a bit stilted in the conversation.

I will lengthen them and make them a little better, thanks.


Quote:
He winks at her as if to say, ‘You can handle it baby!’

I liked this. A nice touch of support. Did it make her proud?

Cool. Hmm... I don't know, I'll have to ask her...

Quote:
She works Joe’s jeans off and his hard cock springs forward and pops her on the chin. Joe hurries to remove his shirt.

But why did you let his cock pop her on the chin? Please, don't! That makes it comical or embarrassing.

I'll explain that part in a later post, lol. I'm going to take that particular line OUT, it was bothering me anyway... I couldn't see it happening from her position.


Quote:
He shoots his load deep inside her pussy and, as it smacks against her cervix, Michele experiences another intense orgasm.

I associate smack with the sound of a flat hand hitting something. Maybe a more squishy word would be better here.

Will do, thanks!

Quote:
“Too fast, baby. I’m going to cum too fast. Stand up, Michele.” Brock looks at Joe. “Take my place on the floor, please?”

Please? Are you that polite in the middle of a hot fuck?

Wasn't thinking about that part. I'll change it.


Quote:
Brock locks the door, takes Michele by the hand and leads her upstairs to the bathroom. He turns the water on and adjusts the temperature. He steps under the spray and holds his hand out for Michele to join him. She takes his hand and steps carefully into the shower with him. He washes her body, taking special care with her now swollen pussy. As they finish washing one another he takes her into his arms and kisses her deeply. He turns off the water and they step out of the shower to towel dry.

Again a good example of his tender love and care.

Thanks.

On a general note, I think you should do something about the dialogue. I don't think people call each other by name that often.
Quote:
“Brock?”

“Yes, Michele?”


Ok, that was my griping.

Right you are, lol. I'll rework it.

Please keep in mind, these are comments because you asked for them.
If this was just a story among others I was reading for fun, I doubt I would have had that much complaints.

Yep, and I appreciate every one of them. Awww... thanks BT!
* * *

I hope there is something here you can use and please keep in mind, this is no more than the opinion of one person. Feel free to dump all of it.

Plenty for me to use. I have learned a TON from the SDC.
Off to read what others have said.



Edited: as for the statement issue, I would use a ? Okay.

Titles:
Loosening up, Trust me, I DO love you, Setting free Michelle
I think the last one needs another name than Michelle.