Story Discussion 9/22/10: A Rhythm That Only She Can Hear

[AmberMoore]

Hi, I wanted to get some constructive feedback on my story A Rhythm That Only She Can Hear. It’s relatively short, only a single Literotica page, and is a vignette between two women at a Lesbian bar.

For this story I knew that it was going to be short, just really the pickup, so I wanted to establish the sexual tension quickly and keep it high throughout. I tried to do this through the narrating characters point of view and with quick, straight to the point dialogue, and trying to keep the descriptions somewhat visceral. I would like some feedback about whether or not I did this right. Does it keep the tension high throughout? Are there any particular spots where it lags? Do you have any suggestions about how I could make it better?

Also, there are no out and out sex scenes in the story. I’ve gotten plenty of anonymous feedback regarding that. It seems that people want sex in their smut, I should’ve known that from the get go… There is sexual contact in the story though I mean I wanted to write the dancing in itself as a sexually intimate act. The time that the women spend at the table, talking and teasing, that conversation was intended to be a kind of sexual release. Or at least that’s how I intended it to work while I was writing it. Did it work for you? If not can you make some suggestions?

 

[Dual_Triode]

Nice

Hi Amber.

I enjoyed reading your vignette about Chrystal. It was short and fast-paced; well matched to the overall feeling in the club. I certainly felt the tension between the characters throughout the whole piece.

I would have probably delayed any dialog until they returned to the table. The dance floor scene was strong enough without the brief introduction and dance request. Your desire to dance and her willingness are easily signaled with body language.

Rather than describe where you touched her and how you danced, I would have liked to learn what she felt like. Was her skin temperature hot or cold? Was her skin moist from exertion? How did the lights of the disco reflect off her hair? You know, all the sensual stuff rather than the mechanics of dancing.

I thought it was brilliant when Chrystal embarrassed you for being the ‘older woman’. That was a definite turning point when her power was revealed. As an aside, I also wondered what constitutes a ‘baby dyke’ for a 23 year old woman. That question is rhetorical, I’m just a curious geezer.

The spanking scene was hot enough to substitute for any graphic sex. You mentioned the other patrons in the bar stopping to watch. I would have enjoyed learning about their facial expressions during the erotic punishment. Were they shocked? Probably not in that club. I’ll bet they were turned on wishing they could participate.

The only thing that put me off a little was the length of the sentences; they seemed to run on. It’s not a show stopper for me because your prose is very descriptive and well constructed.

Overall, you did a great job.

~Dual

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Amber,

Thanks for braving the SDC. You've got moxie and I hope what follows doesn't beat you up too much.

To be honest, Rhythm wasn't hot for me despite the fact that I'm a junkie for the lezzie stuff. I'll willingly concede that my g-g leanings are decidedly in the lipstick direction, but that's probably true for most fellas like me who were weaned on a steady diet of Hollywood femme scenes. I blame films like Higher Learning.

As to your specific questions:

Does it keep the tension high throughout? Are there any particular spots where it lags? Do you have any suggestions about how I could make it better?

There was no tension on my read. It struck me as a self-centered fantasy. The fact that it's narrated from first person and the narrator's name matches yours was a preliminary red flag. The first two sentences of the story made me expect an homage to Chrystal along the lines of our last SDC thread. The trouble is that Chrystal wasn't the focus at all. Right from the beginning, the emphasis swings to Amber. She's "shrugging off baby dykes" and "not even feeling the burn" of her gin. Her not terribly clever advance on Chrystal is immediately well-received for reasons never made clear. Is it because Amber herself is a stunner? Is it because Chrystal is that lonely?

Even the descriptions of Chrystal are made in relation to Amber. Her "body fits into [Amber's] like a custom made glove." She's an "absinthe haired femme goddess before me." As best I can tell, Chrystal is little more than a "gorgeous creature" for Amber to pull "against me" and "into me." When Chrystal flirts, Amber is "practically speechless" because Chrystal "actually made me blush." Why wouldn't another woman be able to make her blush? In short, the initial dynamic felt like a giant me-fest that, intentionally or not, takes every opportunity to elevate Amber above Chrystal.

The initial me-fest dynamic expands into the public spanking scene in which Amber is, no surprise, dominant. The description of the spanking scene is focused almost exclusively on what Amber is doing. There's zero description of Chrystal's reactions beyond her dutiful "thank you ma'am." No prosaic descriptions of the way Chrystal shudders or whimpers, sighs or yelps, waggles her rump or arches her back. She gets a pinkish spot. And, um, counts. Not good BDsM.

IMHO, for this thing to gather any heat, the story needs to rotate off Amber and towards Chrystal. Make us want Chrystal vicariously through Amber. Spend more time describing Chrystal and the impact she has on Amber.

There is sexual contact in the story though I mean I wanted to write the dancing in itself as a sexually intimate act. The time that the women spend at the table, talking and teasing, that conversation was intended to be a kind of sexual release. Or at least that’s how I intended it to work while I was writing it. Did it work for you? If not can you make some suggestions?

Sorry, didn't work for me so much. Yes, dancing is generally intimate. I didn't think the dancing as it was described in the story was especially intimate.

[I just saw Dual's post and agree with his/her (? Sorry Dual ) assessment. Yes, describe the sensations.]

Kudos to you, Amber, for the poignant line re: dancing to a rhythm that only Chrystal could hear, but you double-dipped it and it lost emphasis the second time around. On the whole, the description of the dancing was too short to achieve your aims for me as a reader; it lasted for a hair over one paragraph.

The conversation struck me more as a mini-contest of wills/coolness than a sexual release.

For the dancing and the conversation to work as sexual proxies, I think there needs to be an aftful intimacy to both acts and a strong emotional connection needs to be forged between the two women. I'd start here.

G'luck,

-PF

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Someone removed my original post so I'll repeat the gist of it.

The tale didnt work for me.

You have talent but what you write is like 99% of the others. Nothing in your writing is new or different.

Tension? Nope. Tension requires uncertainty and suspense; your characters act more like sailors on liberty.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Amber,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

For this story I knew that it was going to be short, just really the pickup, so I wanted to establish the sexual tension quickly and keep it high throughout.

It really is just a pickup scene and if that's your goal, I think you succeeded.

I tried to do this through the narrating character's point of view...

Overall, Amber's narrative is precise, but there may be a few places where her viewpoint wavers:

She could barely contain her smile at this, having to bite her lip instead of breaking out in a fit of giggles at my expense.
Are we in Crystal's head a bit here? All Amber really sees is that Crystal smile and bite her lip.

She flipped it open and quickly hit the button that sent it to voicemail...
Amber sees Crystal press a button; I had a hard time believing Amber even knows which button, let alone it's purpose.

While Crystal's vibrating ass was a fine, funny moment, I had a hard time imagining why Amber hadn't noticed the cellphone before when ogling Crystal's too tight low cut jeans or when Crystal's lithe body fit into mine like it was a custom made glove.

Also, Amber's metaphors were a little jarring to me; maybe they're a little overdone?

Does it keep the tension high throughout? Are there any particular spots where it lags?

I thought it was highest when the characters first began to chat, especially when Crystal teases a bit, but then ebbed away when they again made physical contact. I'd have enjoyed a little more flirting. When the characters danced, I think the tension might have increased had Crystal not been so immediately receptive.

Do you have any suggestions about how I could make it better?

There's some vagueness in the opening: a club that I like to visit, a popular pop song and another almost identical techno tune. I'd have preferred she named the club and the songs.

Absinthe is an excellent hair-color choice, not just because it's an unusual hue, but it hints at the forbidden- but it's a hint you didn't do much with afterward, so I was a little disappointed.

I noticed you alluded to the title twice in successive paragraphs; this felt forced and awkward, especially since this prior moment is so exquisite: She was left standing alone, her body still moving slowly to the long departed rhythm of the last song.

Amber's response here may be a little soft:
[Crystal] hesitated before she straddled my lap facing me. "I was right, I'm all alone tonight."

"Really?" I purred into her ear.
I expected something more assertive, like "No, you're not." That's a bit of a nit, but it is the conclusion and I wanted something sharper.

Several key descriptions are more telling than showing:
... looking a little scared but also more than a little turned on.

.... while she snuck lustful glances behind her, ...

... her half smile a heady mix of innocence and all knowing lust...

Also, there are no out and out sex scenes in the story. I’ve gotten plenty of anonymous feedback regarding that. It seems that people want sex in their smut, I should’ve known that from the get go…

Well, it is the "Lesbian Sex" and not the "Lesbian Pickup" category, isn't it?

I like it the way it is and probably wouldn't have continued reading an extra explicit scene anyway, but since this is a site featuring sexual stories that often continue past their literary climax for gratuitous purposes, I wouldn't have considered it inappropriate for this story to do just that.

Overall, I enjoyed your work; it's a fun and sexy little scene.

Take Care,
Penny


P.S.

I would have probably delayed any dialog until they returned to the table.

I like this idea!

I would have liked to learn what she felt like. Was her skin temperature hot or cold? Was her skin moist from exertion? How did the lights of the disco reflect off her hair? You know, all the sensual stuff rather than the mechanics of dancing.

Excellent point. Concrete sensory details are how we really experience the world, yet it's easy to forget their literary impact.

I would have enjoyed learning about their facial expressions during the erotic punishment.

Me too.

The only thing that put me off a little was the length of the sentences; they seemed to run on.

Sentence length wasn't an issue for me.

There was no tension on my read. It struck me as a self-centered fantasy. The fact that it's narrated from first person and the narrator's name matches yours was a preliminary red flag. The first two sentences of the story made me expect an homage to Chrystal along the lines of our last SDC thread.

I didn't have any issue with the author and narrator sharing a name, but I don't seen anything to be gained by it either. While I didn't expect this tale to be anything like our previous story, now that I think about it, those first two sentences imply that this scene is the beginning of a significant relationship for Amber, and this does reduce the tension possibilities. Sure, it's a story on an erotic site and even if it wasn't, we'd still expect the characters to get together, but how can it increase tension if we don't know they will?

The initial me-fest dynamic expands into the public spanking scene in which Amber is, no surprise, dominant.

Amber didn't seem paricularly confident to me, so I didn't see her being truly dominant and I never got the impression she's meant to be in a serious way.

And, um, counts.

Yeah. For me, counting swats has become cliché.

...I wanted to write the dancing in itself as a sexually intimate act.

I didn't think the dancing as it was described in the story was especially intimate.

I didn't find it especially intimate either, not because of the description, but because the characters really don't know one another yet; so while they can be aroused by one another, how can they be truly intimate?

 

[CeliaisAliena]

I really enjoy this

I take this story as a kind of "wish fulfillment" tale, and as such I'm very happy with it.

Realistically speaking, Crystal is such an obvious hottie that her real-life equivalent would be basking in attention in a club-- unless the patrons were all weirdly conservative.

But for the purposes of the story, she's a pearl of great price regarded by only one pair of eyes. And that goes to the way there's this fantasy connection btw. Amber and Crystal that comes together almost telepathically. At a certain level this means there's not going to be great dramatic tension, even if they're meant to be Brontean soulmates. On the other hand, it means they can instantly gel together in a pot of sensual sweetness. I enjoy the way they sort of melt into each other, even if from a certain point of view it might seem saccharine or indulgent.

The point about adding in some visual details-- the flicker of strobes on her hair and so on-- is certainly advisable, but I like the 'mechanics of the dancing' as someone put it, and personally I got plenty of vicarious sensory stimulation from the details that were there.

I think it's probably best not to specify too much about the club, or the tracks playing, unless you want to be very culturally specific-- either because there's a song you love so much you insist on it being "their song" or because you want to make some nod to timeliness or something. I mean, saying it has to be (insert song) could get dated very quickly, and what some people's idea of a sexy jam might be could be someone else's hated muzak at the drugstore!

Sometimes I do go for specific musical/whatever references, but usually because I want to make a point about the character, or just be sarcastic about some piece of cultural detritis. I don't think AROSCH needs this tho.

That Crystal keeps dancing during the lull marks her as a bit kooky (and the club must not be terribly fashionable if there's no seamless mix!) but all of this endears me to the story. I just find it very sweet and sexy, and I can relate. I just like it very much!