Story Discussion: 10/12/2009 - Learning to Quit Smoking: The Finale By Thomas_Norcom

[Tom_Norcom]

Hi Everybody,

It has been so long since writing a submission I had last made which is Learning to Quit Smoking series and that my original account being Thomas_Norcom at the time. With that being in mind, I had since forgotten the email that was bound to that account and decided to create another account for the submission.

With that out of the way, a little background about the story. Since the last submission, I've been picking up reading from other outside sources and I've come across a company known for writing interesting stories. This company is known as Key. I have since reading their stories have decided to end this series in such a fashion.

The link to the previous works:
Learning to Quit Smoking Ch. 01
Learning to Quit Smoking Ch. 02

Please do keep in mind this is an outline of the story before I begin full on writing the story based on this outline.

Perhaps it would be a good idea that I give a little explanation into the format of the outline.

- Name of the section that may or may not appear in the writing Comments
Mind set of the section
Concrete glimpse into the section

Once the story is written, the outline will be moved into this section and the story will replace where the outline once was.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I have designing it thus far,
Thomas Norcom

 

[Tom_Norcom]

- A night to forget This sets the setting for the characters.
One last night with the one who filled the void, Terry, that was once left.

It starts off with Terry and the lead character making love for the last time as the lead character takes note that something feels unique and special about that time. However, unbeknownst to the lead character it will be the last and final time that they will ever be together intimately.

- The kiss good night The action that sets the entire game in full play.
A seemingly innocuous good-bye-kiss for Terry who filled the void.

- The night comes Giving the lead character a bit more depth in character.
Even though the void was filled, the void is still there. But the longing for Terry is what consumes the energy that was once used to create the void, the girlfriend who had left him as mentioned in the first chapter.

Here, it is revealed that subconsciously the lead character knows that he is beginning to miss Terry almost in the same fashion as he did with his last girlfriend but doesn't admit it.

- The darkness of the sky brings emphasis to a distant star Now the exploration into what was once one's self before the void. Yay! Alliteration!
Terry can not return home as he's been summoned to continue their duties else where. The sacrifice made to be with him is remembered and an old time favorite from long ago is visited, it's good to be back.

In this section, it is revealed that Terry is allergic to seafood and the lead character had a thing for sushi but had to give it up.

- The light from a star closer The rebuilding of lead character's self starts with the demotion of the weakened structures which means, explosions!
A person filled with spirit and spirits, Hana, mistakes the lead character for a close friend and continues the night with the lead character. The bloom has just begun.

Hana is introduced in this section as she is seemingly drunk from all the sake and Saporo she has consumed with all the sushi and Japanese food she has consumed celebrating the end of yet another work week with her friend who is seeminglyembarrassed . Her close friend not able to take it any further leaves just as the lead character enters and sits next to her at the bar. Hana begins talking to him as if he was the best friend that had just left to his understanding and plays along.

- The genesis project a sunder The breaking of the ground of where the structure is to be built upon.
Hana really didn't make a mistake it was just a misunderstanding on the lead character's part with the mood lightening up with the crack of a smile. Bloom is at it's peak.

Days pass as he continues to encounter her at his favorite sushi bar over the time and confronts her unable to carry the charade any further of being her best friend. She passes out in the middle of being confronted and wakes up sitting next to him outside on the street. Hana then tells him that she treats whoever sits next to her as her best friend and the sushi chef on break next to them confirms. The lead character who has been almost stoic and solemn in his expression and body language break out laughing and smiling showing to her something she hasn't seen him show since first meeting him.

- Darkest hour The existential question of what was once there.
Even though Pandora's box has opened, was it a good idea?

The lead character begins questioning what he is feeling and the relationship that is beginning to develop between him and Hana. He will cast it off as friendship.

- The dawn where the sun and the moon light fill the sky The blueprints have finally come in and they look great! But it looks familiar...
Now, the tribute to Key begins as a hallway that should be familiar is starting to look familiar.

Hana convinces the lead character to meet somewhere other than the sushi bar. They spend the day and she is able to get him to open up to her as she invites him up for a night cap. It turns out to be the same building where he lives with Terry! However, there is something different about it this time around as both the lead character and Hana enter the same apartment where Terry and him live together. Memories of Terry and the lead character begin to slowly fade.

The lead character enters the place only to find out that it isn't the same place he had left earlier in the day. Looking around in the confusion that is fading with the memories, he discovers a picture of Hana and Terry with arms around each other as if they're really close friends.

- The moon leaves the sky it's familiar because its yourself but built by your hands with the support of someone giving yourself more strength than anyone else's strength alone could ever have!
The tribute to Key comes to full play as the story of how Hana, the spirited person, and the void filler, Terry, had once known each other plays out.

In this section, the long relationship between Hana and Terry has been revealed that they had been childhood friends. Furthermore, it will be revealed that Hana had made a confession of love to him even knowing that he's gay. Terry brutally rejects her confession, telling her that she knows he is gay only to end up making a promise to her that he will find someone in his stead that is much more deserving of her love. The sub-story ends with Hana revealing that on the next day when Terry was sent off by his company, he had gotten into a car accident and has since been in a coma.

Somehow, the lead character feels like he's forgotten something but the feeling of forgetting something fades and all that's left is a framed picture of both the Hana, spirited person, and a stranger, Terry, that the lead character has never met.

This section ends with a steamy love scene between Hana and the main character.

- The sun cometh The ribbon cutting of the new you with a strength renewed based from one's own strength and only accented with the strength of a loved one.
Even though the night is gone, the stars can be seen in the spirited person's eyes with the sun shining behind almost giving a halo appearance. The cherry blossom tree near the bedroom window seems to have come full bloom, hanami! It is now feeling of full bloom.

The lead character wakes up feeling refreshed with the void having been healed as he looks on to the woman he has come to fully admit that he has finally met someone he loves with all his heart.

- Spring Now, to honor the architect.
A rush to the hospital one spring brings a new life meeting the stranger from the photo with the spirited person who lays in a coma. A wedding ceremony is held in the hospital's central garden with the flurries of the cherry blossoms filling the ceremony. The words of "I do" echo through the hospital corridors as the stranger sheds a tear and smiles one last time.

Hana and the lead character rush to the hospital with her going into labor and gives birth in the same hospital that Terry is staying as he remains in a come. Shortly after the birth, Hana notices that this is the same hospital as where Terry is staying and everyone finally meets. The lead character oddly feels a sense of appreciation toward Terry but doesn't understand why as Hana talks to him introducing the son, Gen, to Terry. The lead character then leads Hana to the main garden and the wedding ceremony begins and ends with Terry passing on.

The End

 

[Tom_Norcom]

About chapter 2, you could either say that it's the push to get the chicks from the mother bird to get them to fly. You can also say that the chapter is about the person losing the crutch they have come so used to relying on.

I'm unsure right now whether or not to end the life of the stranger/void filler. It maybe unnecessarily killing of a character at the end of the series, but at the same time.... I wanted to put emphasis on the strength of a promise that has kept the spirit bound to this world, a promise that is revealed to the lead character made between Terry and Hana. The stranger wanted to fulfill the promise made so strongly they couldn't leave this world without finishing it.

With the completion of the promise, the person no longer had a reason to maintain their hold on to life and with smile, they can leave this world having known that they fulfilled it.

I think I will perhaps develop the bond between the spirited person and the stranger/void filler in chapter 9 to increase the impact. So for now, I think I will maintain that the void filler/stranger dies at the end with the time of death being called exactly as the lead character and the spirited person kiss.

So what do you think on the flow? That is my current primary concern. Another concern after reading and going through again is wondering if the symbolism might lose the reader.

 

[driphoney]

I do believe that jacks4u was next in the queue. Since he was just willing to post a story for critique since no one new has come forward, he might be willing to step aside for your story.

Go to the top of the Story Discussion Circle to the blue stickies, look at the very top one titled Story Critique Queue or just click on this link and let the moderators know you wish to join the line-up. You can also read a few posts and see the general etiquette for the thread.

Welcome.

 

[Penelope Street]

I do believe that jacks4u was next in the queue. Since he was just willing to post a story for critique since no one new has come forward, he might be willing to step aside for your story.

Go to the top of the Story Discussion Circle to the blue stickies, look at the very top one titled Story Critique Queue or just click on this link and let the moderators know you wish to join the line-up. You can also read a few posts and see the general etiquette for the thread.

Welcome.

Everything Honey says is correct, not the least of which is the welcome at the end.

Jacks and I have been in touch and he's ok with Tom's thread continuing, so Tom's discussion may proceed as if it had been approved normally through the queue.

P.S.
I'll be on holiday this week, so if there are any issues with this thread that require immediate attention, please PM Crim or Pure.

 

[jacks4u]

Hi, Tom

Again, thanks again, for posting here. I'd originally asked for a spot in the queue in mid September. That same day, I sent my story to one of .lit's volunteer editors. I figured, 3 maybe 4 weeks to get it back and make the necessary changes... But it's still not back, and I'll have to press a little bit....

I'm a fairly new author, having just one submitted story here, and a few small articles at another site. I am, however an avid reader, and know my own preferences.

Ok, on to your story, or more precisely, it's outline.

Usually, I don't write to an outline,

I don't usually write to this level of outline, instead I start with a situation or premise, create characters, then let them go where they will, or try to force them to the ends I had in mind. I find the task of critiquing your outline little daunting, and have skimmed over your other two submissions, for clues as to where you're going with this.

Am I reading that this story zips forward and backward in time? Not big deal really, as that would explain some discontinuity here:

Terry can not return home as he's been summoned to continue their duties else where.
...

It turns out to be the same building where he lives with Terry! However, there is something different about it this time around as both the lead character and Hana enter the same apartment where Terry and him live together. Memories of Terry and the lead character begin to slowly fade.

...

Hana and the lead character rush to the hospital with her going into labor and gives birth in the same hospital that Terry is staying as he remains in a come

Am I to understand that 'else where' is so remote as to make a reasonable relationship impossible? (a continent away, or perhaps from east to west coast, or similar)

I take that 'come' should actually be 'coma', at least by the context, it seems that way.

As for symbolism: Symbolism is usually completely lost on me, I'm a WYSIWYG kind of person. Paint a picture in my mind with your words, and I'll savor every 'stroke'. But if this or that brush stroke refers to paint left on the pallet...

As for flow, I can't really tell, at this stage.

And I'm lost trying to interpret this bit in your 'questions' section -

With the completion of the promise, the person no longer had a reason to maintain their hold on to life and with smile, they can leave this world having known that they fulfilled it.

I think I will perhaps develop the bond between the spirited person and the stranger/void filler in chapter 9 to increase the impact. So for now, I think I will maintain that the void filler/stranger dies at the end with the time of death being called exactly as the lead character and the spirited person kiss.

I hope my thoughts are some help, and welcome to SDC!


Jacks

 

[driphoney]

This was very interesting seeing how you outlined your story. I've only outlined one story, and it was barebones ... and I haven't written it yet!

I wish I could contribute, but I'm out of my league.

Good luck!