Story Discussion 1/12/2011 "Her Hunger" by soflabbwlvr

[soflabbwlvr]

Her Hunger Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

I wanted to put up something new, but progress on my latest has been slower than anticipated. I put a great deal of effort into this story, but the reception has been underwhelming. Some of the questions that follow this post will address the specific causes of the story's performance to date.

The length is 31,000 words, and I realize for some that will be duanting. I appreciate the perserverance of anyone who makes it to the end.

The story is filed under the group sex category. It is the story of a young woman who suffers random, episodic bouts of nymphomania. There is a lot of sex in the story--and it is rather explicit. I recommend wearing a rain coat, because you will get wet.

I also realize that I am a day early, but tomorrow looks like it will be rather busy, so I decided to show up a little early rather than late.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Questions

I have written several multi-chapter stories already, so I expected a drop-off in the number of views and votes with each successive chapter. Nonetheless, I am shocked at the rate of decline that this story encountered. So my first question is:

1. Does chapter one (and chapter two, if you read it) fail to capture your interest?

When writing a story, it is important to me that the situation and the characters seem believable. I am not interested in writing about pure fantasy or wholly implausible situations. My second question is:

2. Are the characters believable?

What I find to be the most satisfying part of writing a story is the creation of dialogue. My earliest stories had almost none at all, but my later efforts have increasing amounts of conversation between the characters. That being said, I hate to read stories where the conversations feel stilted, or where the voices are not all that different. My third question is:

3. Does the dialogue in the story work? Can you imagine these conversations taking place?

I did not intend to write such a long story when I started this project. My fourth question is:

4. Is the story too long for the amount of acutal story that is being told?

Now, I realize that the endings of the chapters are not at all uplifting. My fifth question is:

5. Are the endings to chapters one and two a turn off? Are they too extreme? Are they offensive to women?

In chapter one, I struggled for hours with the introduction of Sean. I wanted to include a brief character sketch, as well as a description of how he ended up in the bathroom with Lisette. I am not completely happy with how it turned out. My sixth question is:

6. Was Sean's entrance confusing (with the flashback)? Was there a better way to describe who he was and how he got there at that moment?

Jasmine's entrance was intended as the climax to chapter one. My seventh question is:

7. Was that part of the story rushed? Should it have played out with more dialogue? Or was it enough to simply describe the action and the aftermath?

In chapter two, I wanted Lisette to seem more in control, until the moment she lost control. I wanted her to seem as though she had moved on with her life after chapter one, and had come to terms with her sexuality. In other words, she was not afraid of sex despite what happened in chapter one. The act of losing control was intended to be an even greater loss than it was in chapter one. My eighth question is:

8. Was this successful?

I try to surprise the audience with the endings to my stories. I considered two other endings before I chose the one that I ultimately used. My ninth question is:

9. Was the ending satisfying?

Most of my stories are geared toward a rather discreet audience that shares a common interest with me. This story was an attempt to break out of the mold, so to speak, and expand my audience. No one has written to me yet and complained, yet I cannot help but wonder if I lost some of my audience when I tried to reach out to a new audience. My tenth and final question is:

10. Was this story a sell-out?

 

[Auden James]

On your story

Well, I've read the whole 1st chapter: and I think there are grave problems that I want to explain in the following.

First of all, I have absolutely no intention to insult you in any way imaginable – I mean, I don't know a bit about you, apart from your story "Her Hunger Ch.1": and it is only that story that I judge, not you! Just for the record. Now we'll face the problems.

Unfortunately, in contrast to the real problems of your text your questions are just nit-picking on the surface; that’s why I won’t go into them. In short, the fundamental problem is that:

# Your story is unoriginal and uninteresting #

And there are several reasons for this:

It's unoriginal because it holds no merits that could set it apart from thousands of flat stroke stories available on the net. In fact, it appears to lack any content that could be of any significance to any sensible reader. Only things that hold certain significance are interesting to us. Your story does not. Thus it's uninteresting. And that you probably didn’t want to write a different thing than a simple stroke story doesn’t help this a bit, for due to its uninterestingness your story gets lost in the shuffle of stroke stories available on the net.

Secondly, your characters cannot be called genuine characters because they simply have no characteristics. Everyone's beautiful, everyone's popular, everyone's horny and they all appear to be equally mindless: no one ever thinks an intelligible or coherent thought. I think this absence of genuine thought in your characters is reflected in a problematic way throughout the rest of your narrative. I want to make these points, the absence of significant content, thought and its consequences, clear with the help of some examples:

A) "Fuck! This can't be happening again!" Surprised to hear her thoughts given voice (...).
B) The juices coating his cock were like an aphrodisiac to her, pushing all sane thoughts out of her mind.
C) He pushed all thoughts out of his mind (...).
D) But the thought of getting caught and losing her was the last thing on his mind (...)
E) Chris had never been with a white girl before, but he had thought about it many times.
F) Lisette had never been interested in a black cock before, but that idea was suddenly dominating her thoughts.
G) Chris' thoughts swirled in a thousand directions.

Now let’s take a closer look which will be quiet revealing.

A) might not be too obvious, but ‘Fuck! This can’t be happening again’ doesn’t really classify as thoughts (plural!), for if anything it’s merely two contextless crumbs of consciousness. Her so-called thoughts are neither coherent nor intelligible or at least they’re not shown to us in that way because you give them no further (contextual) meaning. Your following lines in italics – btw: setting alleged thoughts in italics is a personal no-go of mine; I’ve got enough brains to figure out when a character’s thinking and when he/she is not; striking the reader with italics gives you to my mind too much presence within the text because it reminds me that the writer wants to make dead certain that I understand – add nothing to contextualize those thoughts that start off your story. They seem to be tossed into the strangely dissociated enumerations of her masturbatory actions for no particular reason. Hence, the whole start is, in effect, a false start.

B), C) and D) speak for themselves: pushing all thoughts out of your characters’ minds doesn’t help them out of their zero-dimensionality: their remaining/subsequent acts are solely thoughtless coital (re-)actions that lack any motivation by your characters and thus also don’t give the reader indirectly any significant information about them.

E) is another example for the problem of contextless, just alleged thought: Why ought it to be conclusive at all that he had thought of fucking a white girl many times before? Because he’s black? That’d be too much cliché for any sensible reader.

F) The ‘sudden’ thoughts you mention, without reasonably backing them up, don’t make your characters more believable, quiet to the contrary. It makes the reader feel as if you’re cheating because your characters hold no inherent motives but instead think (and in consequence act) at random without any cohesive explanation. Hence, their action themselves appear mechanical, together with your attitude of passively enumerating what who does when they degenerate into lifeless descriptions.

G) Well, the point should be clear by now: it is okay to not always ‘show’ each and every thought, but this line is another example of a missed opportunity to do so.

Furthermore E-G are prime examples, showing how the mindlessness and zero-dimensionality of your characters reflect in mechanical expositions of their coital acts. You write in the 3rd paragraph that your protagonist Lisette “developed a routine of pleasuring herself”: by denying your characters genuine thoughts and therefore inherent motives your story itself becomes a routine, the trite, formulaic narrative of the majority of uninteresting stroke texts on the web. The reader grows weary of your predictable and empty depictions of tab A put into slot B. It’s empty because of your lifeless figures: there’re no characters to interact. And that, together with the resulting lifeless description, prevents the reader from immersing in your story, being genuinely aroused or titillated and finding relieve. Hence, your intended stroke piece fails to sufficiently accomplish its genuine goal.

I’ve talked mainly about your deficient characters and the resulting problems. Finally, I want to clear up what I meant when I stated at the beginning that your story lacks interestingness. Just let’s take a brief look at what possibly ought to make a story interesting: (i) multi-faceted characters, (ii) a (believable and thrilling) plot, (iii) a creative (plausible) premise, (iv) atmosphere, (v) meaningful assertions about the (non-)fictional world, and so forth. I don’t want to go into any farther detail about this. It’s your own story and therefore it’s up to you to alter the text: as a critic it’s not my function to impose a new picture of the story upon you which, in fact, would only be good for turning your story into a merely purported better projection of a story of mine (not even written yet). It’s not my right to want you to do anything (for me, even if indirectly). As a critic my genuine function is to judge what is written and to judge that on its own. Thus I think, when you re-read your story you’ll detect by yourself where you’ve got opportunities to make it more interesting: my critique indicates that a promising start could be to work on your characters, to give them unique traits, looks, social roles and mores, etcetera.

Now that the problems are clear, I’d further recommend you to work on the ‘basics of fiction writing’ to get a grip on writing a story (since, for example, characters and such are fundamental parts of any literature – not just erotica) that’s an original an interesting read. I think Google can find you some advice on that but as far as I know there may be some experts here on the board who can recommend you some useful how-to books that aren’t written by the usual suspects (Frey and peers). A potential point to improve that I didn’t mention before is your grasp of language that’s part of the basis of fiction writing, too. (A short example relating to your text is the invariant use of ‘fast’ and ‘quick’ in the first part of the text). But I didn’t stress this point before because without the framework even the most sublime style won’t be of much benefit to a text.

So, I wish you only the best and that you won’t lose track of your aim to write better stories.

–AJ

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Soffie,

I’ll swing back for your questions at some point. For now, I couldn't resist responding to some of Auden’s comments -- playing a bit of good cop since he covered bad so... thoroughly.

# Your story is unoriginal and uninteresting #

And there are several reasons for this:

It's unoriginal because it holds no merits that could set it apart from thousands of flat stroke stories available on the net. In fact, it appears to lack any content that could be of any significance to any sensible reader. Only things that hold certain significance are interesting to us. Your story does not. Thus it's uninteresting. And that you probably didn’t want to write a different thing than a simple stroke story doesn’t help this a bit, for due to its uninterestingness your story gets lost in the shuffle of stroke stories available on the net.

Ouch, Molotov cocktails from the cheap seats.

Soffie, my interpretation of your story is wholly mine and may be far afield of what you were shooting for, but I got the feeling that, you might have been attempting a smutty variation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Poor Dr. Jekyll/Lisette is periodically subject to the urges of Mr. Hyde/The Nymphomaniac. After these little fits take over, poor Lisette is the one who’s left to pick up the pieces and attempt to resume a normal life. There’s merit to a premise like this, but doing it justice is a daunting task.

[several paragraphs commenting on lack of character depth]A) might not be too obvious, but ‘Fuck! This can’t be happening again’ doesn’t really classify as thoughts (plural!), for if anything it’s merely two contextless crumbs of consciousness. Her so-called thoughts are neither coherent nor intelligible or at least they’re not shown to us in that way because you give them no further (contextual) meaning. Your following lines in italics – btw: setting alleged thoughts in italics is a personal no-go of mine; I’ve got enough brains to figure out when a character’s thinking and when he/she is not; striking the reader with italics gives you to my mind too much presence within the text because it reminds me that the writer wants to make dead certain that I understand – add nothing to contextualize those thoughts that start off your story. They seem to be tossed into the strangely dissociated enumerations of her masturbatory actions for no particular reason. Hence, the whole start is, in effect, a false start.

I disagree with Auden’s above assessment on every front.

For starters, “Fuck.” and “This can’t be happening again.” constitute two statements. They’re related but different. This story would get off to a very different start if it opened with “How odd. This can’t be happening again.” wouldn’t it? I’m not sure what Auden means by “contextless crumbs of consciousness” but I suspect he doesn’t either. It sounds nifty though and to some that’s what’s important.

Substantively speaking, as an opening line, “Fuck. This can’t be happening again.” didn't strike me as all that bad. It sounded like a natural reaction and it had me immediately wondering what it was that was happening and let me know that this wasn’t the first time, which is a sort of appetizer for the character’s backstory.

Moving on, my understanding is that italicizing unspoken discourse like Lisette’s observation about the bathroom door is common and done as a matter of clarity because, for that observation, the story shifts from third person narrative to first person. It’s traditional to signal that shift for a reader with either italics or by enclosing it in quotes with a tag like “she thought” or “she wondered.” The U.S.-preferred Chicago Manual of Style sanctioned italicized unspoken discourse until its most recent editions (abandoned for the 15th I think, I don’t have a 14th and haven’t splurged for a 16th yet.)

[several paragraphs railing against a lack of character depth]

Here’s where Auden and I find a bit of common ground, although I certainly a bit more sympathetic to your plight, Soffie, because I think it may have been a result of you trying to do justice to your story. Seems to me that one of the horrors of Lisette’s problem is that she’s condemned to live the same nyphomanic episodes over and over and feels powerless to stop them. Their repetition may be one of the things she’s struggling with most - she's stuck in a nyphomanic circle.

I think you can make a reader feel Lisette’s agony over the repetition without subjecting the reader to that repetition. You can vary the sex and even vary the dialogue during the sex. (The latter bothered me more than the former; I skipped large sections of dialogue because they seemed to be variations of “Fuck me” then “Okay” then “Fuck me more” then “I can’t” then “Go find someone else to fuck me.”). Just make sure to sprinkle enough defeatist actions and dialogue from Lisette so we feel her pain.

Maybe I’m biased because I think I’m onto something here, but I really think that an afternoon reading Stevenson’s Dr. Jekyll (the sucker's darn short) could give you some serious grist for your mill. With only a few tweaks, you could be poking fun at the unfairness of the Puritan double standard still applied to woman today as opposed to Stevenson's digs against the uptight culture of Victorian England. You might parallel Jekyll’s character arc too, i.e., while Lisette may be appalled at the outset by the sorts of acts she commits but eventually come to revel in them as her darker self blends with her everyday personality.

Most tantalizing from my point of view would be the opportunity to describe in detail the process of Lisette’s transformations. Consider sharpening your pen and waxing on about the dark hunger that wells up in Lisette as she slides into one of her nymphomanic fits. The way it bubbles and hisses and fills her with sordid cravings for acts she'd otherwise not commit. Likewise, describe the shame and revulsion that I’d think would sweep in when it’s all over and she’s left naked, bruised, battered and… err… sticky.

As I said, I’ll swing by to pick up your actual questions. In the meantime, chin-up, none of us, including Auden, are writing the Great American Novel. You know, yet.

Cheers,

-Paco

 

[_Lynn_]

To mix things up a bit, I opened chapter three.

Lisette sat on the toilet, counted to sixty, then flushed. She stood up, walked to the door, cracked it open, and peeked out. Seeing no one, she stepped out and pushed the down button for the elevator.

In the selected text, your character does too many things in a short time. Do I have to know she counted to sixty? Why start on the toilet? Why not leaving the bathroom? Considering the first sentences are supposed to hook the reader, this one did the opposite for me.

My next complaint is the overuse of her name in the beginning paragraphs. She is the only person at that point so we know anything happening is with Lisette.

I don’t know the publishing rules on this and I don’t have my CMS next to me to check. Her thoughts, which you have in italics, should go in separate paragraphs I believe. Or that's how I would do them anyway. Now they get lost in the narrative.

The only men's room with a lock was on the first floor.

Does this sentence matter in the context of the story? If not, delete it. All it does is add clutter. There were others I questioned too. If a detail doesn't move the story along or isn't used again later, then why have it there. You want the readers to stay focused on the story, not have odd bits and pieces confusing them.

Unghhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Unghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

This is just wrong in every way. Describe the sounds. Your way is typical of a new writer.

This chapter is far too predictable. The men come off as having no brains, only a cock. None of them hesitate when she tells them to fuck her. Not one has any hint of a personality.

I apologize for not reading more or offering you more suggestions. However, I have homework yet tonight.

 

[PacoFear]

I don’t know the publishing rules on this and I don’t have my CMS next to me to check. Her thoughts, which you have in italics, should go in separate paragraphs I believe. Or that's how I would do them anyway. Now they get lost in the narrative.

I think the CMS is silent on this, ML. Section 11.47 on unspoken discourse says bupkis on paragraphing and 11.43, on paragraphing direct discourse, arguably applicable, only suggests breaking paragraphs for a change in speaker.

In the absence of guidance, I think the decision to break paragraphs could/should depend on how the unspoken dialogue is used. If it's a quick little side thought, a short and fleeting one brought on by something happening around the character, it might make more sense to keep it with the narration. If the thought is a conclusion or used more as a punchline, I'd think it would make more sense to set it off in a separate paragraph.

Just guessin' though.

 

[_Lynn_]

I think the CMS is silent on this, ML. Section 11.47 on unspoken discourse says bupkis on paragraphing and 11.43, on paragraphing direct discourse, arguably applicable, only suggests breaking paragraphs for a change in speaker.

In the absence of guidance, I think the decision to break paragraphs could/should depend on how the unspoken dialogue is used. If it's a quick little side thought, a short and fleeting one brought on by something happening around the character, it might make more sense to keep it with the narration. If the thought is a conclusion or used more as a punchline, I'd think it would make more sense to set it off in a separate paragraph.

Just guessin' though.

This is one of the paragraphs where the italics/thoughts seemed lost to me.

Oh my god! It's stopping on every floor. I'll never get out of here. Lisette watched the panel as the numbers flashed on then off, each number indicating that the elevator was one floor closer to her. A lock of blonde hair was hanging in front of her eyes. As she brushed it away, her hand passed under her nose. Wow, is that my pussy? I smell like a bitch in heat. What the hell, I am a bitch in heat. I wonder if anyone else can smell me? I'll never hear the end of this. Why is this happening? I haven't had a drink in over three years! Oh god, I need some cock.

If separated, then it would be like this.

Oh my god! It's stopping on every floor. I'll never get out of here.

Lisette watched the panel as the numbers flashed on then off, each number indicating that the elevator was one floor closer to her. A lock of blonde hair was hanging in front of her eyes. As she brushed it away, her hand passed under her nose.

Wow, is that my pussy? I smell like a bitch in heat. What the hell, I am a bitch in heat. I wonder if anyone else can smell me? I'll never hear the end of this. Why is this happening? I haven't had a drink in over three years! Oh god, I need some cock.

 

[PacoFear]

Well, yeah, except you used a clear, concrete example rather than babbling on like I did. Way to suck all the fun out of this, ML.

 

[Lalochezia]

1. Does chapter one (and chapter two, if you read it) fail to capture your interest?

When writing a story, it is important to me that the situation and the characters seem believable. I am not interested in writing about pure fantasy or wholly implausible situations.

The earlier chapters held my interest relatively well. Chapter 1 had a few problems (which I'll get to) but nothing that would totally put me off of it, either. I liked the opening line a lot, I think it does a good job of catching the reader. The whole opening scene was good.

2. Are the characters believable?

What I find to be the most satisfying part of writing a story is the creation of dialogue. My earliest stories had almost none at all, but my later efforts have increasing amounts of conversation between the characters. That being said, I hate to read stories where the conversations feel stilted, or where the voices are not all that different.

Yeah, they're relatively believable. I think the random bouts of nymphomania and some of the antics that follow could be classified as harder to believe, but it is fantasy. The characters themselves seem believable enough. Once I can accept that Lisette has random episodes of chronic nymphomania, I can see teenage boys being unable to resist and unable to satisfy her. I can see Jasmine beating her ass, etc.

However, the dialogue during the sex does need some work. It is a bit repetitive, and I am never a fan of when the noises the characters are making are spelled out, "ohhh," and, "ahhh," that sort of thing. I would rather them be described.

3. Does the dialogue in the story work? Can you imagine these conversations taking place?

I did not intend to write such a long story when I started this project. My fourth question is:

See my answer to number two. I can see the conversations taking place, but they need to be a little more varied. Give each character more of a different voice.

4. Is the story too long for the amount of acutal story that is being told?

Now, I realize that the endings of the chapters are not at all uplifting. My fifth question is:

That's a hard question. There's quite a bit of sex, and I think that's really what it's about. It's a stroke story. Nothing wrong with that.

5. Are the endings to chapters one and two a turn off? Are they too extreme? Are they offensive to women?

Nope.

That's really all I have. No problems here, for me.

6. Was Sean's entrance confusing (with the flashback)? Was there a better way to describe who he was and how he got there at that moment?

Jasmine's entrance was intended as the climax to chapter one. My seventh question is:

Yes.

I did not like Sean's entrance at all. You took the reader out of the story with a flashback, switched perspectives, and then flashed back to something that had just happened. Maybe try switching perspectives before Lisette is done with her boyfriend, like right before she starts riding him. Have it from Sean's perspective at that point and have him follow her into the bathroom from there, so he doesn't just appear and then flashback.

7. Was that part of the story rushed? Should it have played out with more dialogue? Or was it enough to simply describe the action and the aftermath?

The action and aftermath worked for me, simply because of the age of the characters.

The girl is overcome with uncontrollable nymphomania and the boy...is a teenage boy. You don't need much dialogue to make that sex believable. I was fine with it.


I'll answer the last few questions a bit later, I'm a little pressed for time, but I just wanted to comment on one thing:

How often you switched perspectives bothered me a little bit. I'm not entirely sure if this is technically correct in any particular kind of style. I know with third person omniscient stories switching perspectives is perfectly fine, however I'm used to having a new chapter or some sort of large, visual break whenever perspective changes. I'm not used to it changing from one paragraph to the next. Maybe that's ok, I'm not really familiar with most of the finer points of writing, but it's my opinion.

Anyway, thanks for posting. I enjoyed it.

 

[Pure]

notes on 'her hunger'

hi sofla,
thanks for contributing your story. your questions distract me a little from what i want to say, but i'll deal with some of them, then give overall comments.

I have written several multi-chapter stories already, so I expected a drop-off in the number of views and votes with each successive chapter. Nonetheless, I am shocked at the rate of decline that this story encountered. So my first question is:

1. Does chapter one (and chapter two, if you read it) fail to capture your interest?

Chapter one only mildly captured my interest. The nympho-on -he-loose plot can only go so far.



When writing a story, it is important to me that the situation and the characters seem believable. I am not interested in writing about pure fantasy or wholly implausible situations. My second question is:

2. Are the characters believable?

well, i guess they're shallow college kids out to drink and fuck. maybe you did them justice. they are not robust or 3-d, however.


What I find to be the most satisfying part of writing a story is the creation of dialogue. My earliest stories had almost none at all, but my later efforts have increasing amounts of conversation between the characters. That being said, I hate to read stories where the conversations feel stilted, or where the voices are not all that different. My third question is:

3. Does the dialogue in the story work? Can you imagine these conversations taking place?

It is often ok, as talk between two people bent on fucking. It does not really reveal their depths, since, first, that doesn't occur in fuck-convos, and they don't have a lot of depth, themselves.


I did not intend to write such a long story when I started this project. My fourth question is:

4. Is the story too long for the amount of acutal story that is being told?

Yes. It seems to follow the slogan 'more is better.' Each guy is fucked similarly then discarded. I think the point, for interest sake, would be to have each fuck a bit different . IOW, to display a character, if there are similar scenes, say, at work, one chooses ones the show some roundness. if Sam is the protagonist, the actions are within the store where he works,
you don't say, "Sam the clerk yelled at customer A." and, three paragraphes later, 'the next day, sam the clerk shouted at customer B.'


Jasmine's entrance was intended as the climax to chapter one. My seventh question is:

7. Was that part of the story rushed? Should it have played out with more dialogue? Or was it enough to simply describe the action and the aftermath?

the wind-up of ch 1 seemed a bit contrived, though you did try to give some info on jasmine, earlier. the feeling was 'time to wind up. we will stop the listing for now.'

===

OVERALL:

the story and the telling are curiously flat, and it's a little hard to pin down why. of course there are some standard, lifeless adjectives (granite hard) and verbs (pounded)-- there is room for great improvement, here, however--, but that doesn't seem fully to explain the flatness.

auden james made several good points about depth of character, and that may be part of the reason for 'flat.'

mistress lynn alluded to the detail problem. that's close to what i want to say. the details are extensive, and the timing is steady, relentless, like (during the sex) every five seconds. you know, like the play-by-play of a sports anouncer, but without the drama. --she reached, she grabbed, exposing, licking; then she pushed, cupped, danced, extended, pinched, dragged, reached, pulled, stood up, turned backward.

it's very physical, like a wrestling match, and the second-by-second telling gets to be like a list. like a sports announcer who's saying, fairly calmly,

he runs, he speeds, he's grabbed, he escapes, he slips, he's grabbed again, stumbles, runs some more, darts left, darts right, slows, looks, speeds up again and tears over the finish line.

a vice of porn is the author's belief that pure detail will do the job: just zoom in. each thrust, each drip of liquid, etc. yet in serious writing, more is not always better.

---
auden has every right and justification to take you to task for some of the basics of writing, e.g. interesting characters or plot. that said, you were, as several other posters observed, writing a stroker. so then, we proceed to consider your agenda.

the ultimate question is, Is it captivating and arousing?

on 1-10 (highest). maybe 3-4, and i can't fully explain things since your avoided the grossest errors of routine porn writing. for instance,as to avoiding trite talk, i'd give you a 6 or 7. but the substance and the pacing seem to have dragged things down; the excessive length is one indicator of that problem. the substance, the 'nympho,' is just too routine a premise. it would take real effort to make the hypothesized series of fucks, interesting. she does A, she comes, he comes, she wants more, A says, can't. she says, get B. she does B, ... etc.

==
the rule for captivating and arousing is FRESH. given the millions of porn tales, some mark of freshness in writing, even where the plot is a formula. there is fresh pussy, fresh cock. these interest and arouse porn readers-- IF they are conveyed in fresh writing.

keep up the work and your prose and story telling.

thanks again for contributing your story.

pure
moderator.

 

[_Lynn_]

mistress lynn alluded to the detail problem. that's close to what i want to say. the details are extensive, and the timing is steady, relentless, like (during the sex) every five seconds. you know, like the play-by-play of a sports announcer, but without the drama. --she reached, she grabbed, exposing, licking; then she pushed, cupped, danced, extended, pinched, dragged, reached, pulled, stood up, turned backward.

it's very physical, like a wrestling match, and the second-by-second telling gets to be like a list. like a sports announcer who's saying, fairly calmly,

he runs, he speeds, he's grabbed, he escapes, he slips, he's grabbed again, stumbles, runs some more, darts left, darts right, slows, looks, speeds up again and tears over the finish line.

pure
moderator.

That's what I saw in my mind but couldn't pull out far enough to describe. The play-by-play, or blow-by-blow, radio announcer who's telling the listening audience every single piece of action.