Story; could use some advice...!

[LilyMelb]

Hi,

I posted this one up a few weeks ago, but am revisiting it with a redraft of some parts in mind at the moment, so I would love it if anybody has time to have a read of the current version up online and let me know what you think.

The story is "Lost Souls" and it's in the SciFi/Fantasy section, but just so you're aware, the sex is primarily BDSM in content...

Here is the link:
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=140538

One of the points I'm concerned about is whether the community (for want of a better word) this story is about actually makes sense to the reader - these characters have been in my head a long time, so it's hard for me to tell if a reader who hasn't been thinking about them for so long actually knows what's going on.

I guess my other concern is whether the emotional motivations of the characters, especially towards the end, makes sense...

Anyway, let me know what you think, and thanks heaps in advance to anybody who has a moment to read & comment..!

Ta... Lily

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I love your writing, and I love places like that inn. I was bowled over by the first two sentences: powerful, monosyllabic, and fluent. It actually made me draw in my breath with pleasure to read such exemplars of prose; and by then I was sure I remembered your name. Yes, I confirmed you were on my private list, and back last July I recommended your 'Proper Place' with the same feelings I have for this one: literate, sinewy, and subtle.

Well, as to character and motivation here, yes I think you convey them very well. The nature of the place and community are clearly laid out, and the travellers' motivations follow easily from them. The build-up towards the end is intriguing, as we know the kind of thing it's going to be, but not the details of the resolution. In the end it's frustrating that you don't give the full resolution, but I presume given the subject matter this is an entirely intentional frustration.

As to anything that might benefit from a redraft, I can't say I saw any of it that was specifially weaker or less clear than the rest, whether in terms of style or plot or explanation. This is not to say it's perfect and you shouldn't touch it; but I can't find any weak spots where I could advise a writer with less of a sure touch.

 

[LilyMelb]

Thanks so much Rainbow...!


It helps to know that the story and character motivations make sense, it's one of those cases where as the author I'm so close to it, I can no longer tell...

The redraft I'm planning is just a general one... I think I need to get rid of several of the one-line paragraphs, which are something of a conceit, especially in this piece where I've got so many of them.

I did not realise you had reccomended 'Proper Place'..! Thank you for that as well..

Anyway, just wanted to let you know your feedback is very appreciated..!!

Thanks again.... Lily

 

[MaxSebastian]

Hi Lily. I really like your story's concept, it's really interesting and quite original, with much potential.

You can certainly write well enough, but I do have some thoughts.

The first thing that really struck me as a reader was that it's seriously dense stuff. You've used particularly long paragraphs - making it hard to read, especially on the internet - and it's these you should tackle first rather than worrying about the one-line paragraphs.

Long paragraphs slow down the reader's eye, but so too does your tendency to use complex sentence structures (too many clauses in many places, particularly early on). Keep it simple - it doesn't take away any of the meaning, it just makes it easier for the reader.

Your description is good, but sometimes you use too many adjectives, you repeat yourself through the use of synonyms - again, I realise you just want to emphasise your vision, but when you use two adjectives to do the job of one, you effectively cancel out the first adjective. It all adds up to slow the reader's eye - again.

So, I think if you could up the pace a little bit more on the whole, it would really help to make it easier to read.

Other thoughts I've had: I think there isn't as much sensuality in this writing as there could (should) be.

While I have said you tend to use too many adjectives in places, I didn't think there was enough real sensuality coming through in the story. You haven't touched very much on the feelings of the characters, their responses to each other, their hopes and desires. Think about all five senses as you go through, particularly in a love scene.

A lot of the build-up in this story seems to be between characters that have little in the way of chemistry between them. They tend to talk to each other like a bunch of pissed-off psychotherapists, talking about sex but not seeming very interested or excited. Sure, you've got that whole dominant thing going, but with all the characters trying to be dominant, they all seem disinterested.

Get some flirting in there! A little to-and-fro between characters. Have them notice little things about each other, they should react physically to each other - attracted, dispelled - they should respond to each other, they should tease, snub, anything to get some life in there. At the moment, your characters sound like academics at a conference. I mean, if anyone came up to me and said sex was "nihilistic", I think I would nod and smile and go get another drink. Think passion, emotion!

The build-up should be the perfect way to get the reader interested in the characters and desperate for some explicit action. Drop more sexual words into the flirtation between characters, tease the reader with hints at what is to come.

I think you're right when you say you have some concerns about your characters' motivations. It doesn't seem entirely clear why an apparently hard-hearted heroine with an inclination to dominate (or at least take no BS from anyone) suddenly turns to mush.

In many respects, though, you often tell us things rather than show us. Although I've agreed with you that some of the motivation is not clear, I felt there was a little too much inner monologue in this story - another thing making your writing quite dense. Show us, don't tell us.

Have the characters react to each other, hint at what they are thinking. If you have characters thinking-to-themselves the whole time, it comes across as though they are talking to themselves, which we all know is the first sign of insanity. Some things don't even need to be explained, there are some points you make that are quite obvious.

I think you're a really good writer - in particular you have a good concept here, interesting characters (if you use them properly) and an interesting plot. But you do yourself no justice by "over-writing" it, slowing down the reader's eye and dispensing with the real sensuality that should be there.

Cut out the chaff, it will be easy to follow, and far more effective in my opinion.

All the best with the revision,

Max