Story: Alien Alterations (help?!)

[Fizzbangboom]

I've got a loooooooooong post to put up... but... well I'm not sure if it's too long.
I really have no freakin' idea how much I can put into a single posting/thread.
Also wondering if I could, should break it up into individual posts/threads.

Anyone willing to take a lookee and lemme know whatcha think?

FBB

 

[jakelyon]

I've got a loooooooooong post to put up... but... well I'm not sure if it's too long.
I really have no freakin' idea how much I can put into a single posting/thread.
Also wondering if I could, should break it up into individual posts/threads.

Anyone willing to take a lookee and lemme know whatcha think?

FBB

I would be happy to look at it, but I would really recommend that you break it into pieces of no more than a thousand words. The problem with an overlong introduction is that you develop so much of the story that it is hard for anyone else to join in. It is better, in my opinion, to break out at good spots to give other authors a good spot to join in.

If you really want it in once piece submit it to Lit.

 

[amalgam]

ooh i'm interested

 

[amalgam]

Hi, FBB. I just read the intro to Alterations. You definately have to break up that puppy. I recommend splitting it when Eric gets the gift, and adding a bit of polish to that portion to make everything connect a little better. I know that Eric isn't spoze to remember much, but as it stands, it's a little too "from way out in left field."

There are a few awkward sentences as well as a few good ones. Overall it's written well.

Do you really think it's necessary to spell out the kids' ages? I mean, Banana!

 

[Fizzbangboom]

Do you really think it's necessary to spell out the kids' ages? I mean, Banana!

as I'm eternally paranoid and dont want someone to think I'm writing about underage kids and so on yeah I have done that in the past and prolly will in the future.

Ok, on the above suggestions I'm gonna run it all through the spell check now and add multiple posts.

Manythanks to all and comments/ideas/suggestions and so forth are most welcome and appreciated.

FBB

 

[amalgam]

omg did you just add like 50 threads??

 

[Fizzbangboom]

omg did you just add like 50 threads??

LMAO!

to the story? not quite 50... it now stretches off to 15.
Told ya I'd writen some. I'd REALLY like some feed back. I'm concerned about how it reads in the chyoo format.

I hope all enjoy too.

FBB

 

[amalgam]

You know, it's really funny how much the intro reads like Spiderman, after Peter Parker wakes up with his amazing powers.

 

[Fizzbangboom]

Do you really think so?! I'd never have made that connection myself! LOL

It certainly wasn't intentional.

 

[Fizzbangboom]

Hi, FBB. I just read the intro to Alterations. You definately have to break up that puppy. I recommend splitting it when Eric gets the gift, and adding a bit of polish to that portion to make everything connect a little better. I know that Eric isn't spoze to remember much, but as it stands, it's a little too "from way out in left field."

There are a few awkward sentences as well as a few good ones. Overall it's written well.

Hrm... well first of all thanks for the kind words. Right now I really dont know if I could go back and split it all up and for it to all make sense in the string that it's in now. re-linking the threads is something I really dont know how to do or it's broken.

I would be more than willing to add you on as an editor (I think I can do that cant I?) if you'd feel up to the task?

 

[Fizzbangboom]

new thread for Kimber - comments plz

I'd apprecaite hearing your thoughts on this and how to set it up to be continued. It has not been proof read or anything like that so errors are sure to be in there.

thanks in advanced for comments, suggestions and ideas. Hoping to see your additions to it all soon. -FBB

Kimber woke from her deep sleep, struggeling to hold onto her dream as long as possible, slowly and stretched. The feeling of her two sizes too smal t-shirt stretching taught against her nipples which were already rock hard. She couldn't help but groan in pleausre at the sensation and began to rub her hands over them and then the rest of her body.

As usual she woke up horny as hell, her tight little pussy leaking. Cupping her mound she found her panties soaked with her juices. She brought her fingers up to her mouth, they were easily coated ith her cunny nectar, and tasted herself. Her tounge snaked out and invited her finger tips into her mouth, it wrapped around her digits as she savored her own taste.

Kimber was a horny girl. She knew it, but she was sure that no one else did. She put on a pretty good show of being a wild or party girl.She looked and ddressed the part, she'd paid a good deal of attention to her older sister Tera. She wore the high heels, the short short skirts, the tight tops, makeup just right. Like Tera, Kimber had perfected the look that almost screamed jailbait.

Despite popular belief, both sister's where actually little more than cock teases. Sure Tera had had her cherry popped years ago, but niether of them put out nearly as much or as often as was rumored. Well, at least Kimber didn't.

She finally rolled out of bed, her hand slipping into her underwear. With a handfull of wet pussy hair Kimber wiggeled her mouse and woke up her computer. The image that popped up was the smae from when she'd gone to bed. A pic of Chrissy Moran on her knees and legs spread wide, cupping her big ol' titties. Kimber's eyes trailed down the mega-models image, stopping on at the reason she loved the pic so much. It was on of a rare set in chich Chrissy had her box shaved bare.

"God damn that's sexy!" she thought, followed by, "I wish I had the guts to do that."

A wicked thought ran through her mind. She thought of going down and stealing Eric's razor and then returning it full clumped full hair from her pussy. She began to giggle as she bit on her pinky while staring at Chrissy's cunny and thumbing her on clit at the same time.

Then something hit her. It was like a wave that sent her staggering backward till she eneded up sitting on the the very edge of her bed again. She sat there for a few moments as her mind seemed to readjust itself. Finally a thought emerged, "That'd be pretty fucked up, huh?" she asked no one at all. She began to realize that she'd been pretty mean and bitchy over the years to the guy. He really wasn't so bad was he?

Sure she teased him all the time prancing around in hardly anything, bending over at the waist, and all that... but she was pretty sure he liked that. Didn't he?

Kimber fetly something hard and stiff poking her right between the cheeks. She reached down behind her, "There you are!" and pulled her favorite vibrator, the one that looked like it was gold plated, out from under herself and placed it in the ngiht stand drawer next to the chrome one.

She thought she heard either her mom or Tera stomp off down the stairs to the kitchen. That meant that coffee would soon be ready, she loved her coffee. Then again, that meant that at least one of the showers, and all that wonderful hot water, would be open.

What to do, get coffee, take a shower, something else?

 

[amalgam]

Hello! Hope you had as nice a holiday as I had.

Aside from the obvious spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors, some of the imagery is problematic:

"Cupping her mound she found her panties soaked with her juices." Unless I'm mistaken, "mound" is usually used for breasts. Reading this sentence, I'm led to believe that Kimberly cups her breasts, but feels her soaked panties. I think I know what you mean, but you give the impression that she tactilely feels her wetness by groping her tits. It doesn't make sense.

"With a handfull of wet pussy hair Kimber wiggeled her mouse and woke up her computer." Are you telling me that she yanked out her pubes and then wiggled the mouse with the same hand? That's how this sentence reads.

I'd be happy to help you by sub-editing if you'd like me to.

 

[Torg]

"Cupping her mound she found her panties soaked with her juices." Unless I'm mistaken, "mound" is usually used for breasts.

'Mound' can refer either to a breast or the pubic mound, so it all depends on the context.

"With a handfull of wet pussy hair Kimber wiggeled her mouse and woke up her computer." Are you telling me that she yanked out her pubes and then wiggled the mouse with the same hand?

I think she just had numerous pubes sticking to her hand. I can see that being a handful.

 

[Fizzbangboom]

Hello! Hope you had as nice a holiday as I had.

Aside from the obvious spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors, some of the imagery is problematic:

"Cupping her mound she found her panties soaked with her juices." Unless I'm mistaken, "mound" is usually used for breasts. Reading this sentence, I'm led to believe that Kimberly cups her breasts, but feels her soaked panties. I think I know what you mean, but you give the impression that she tactilely feels her wetness by groping her tits. It doesn't make sense.

"With a handfull of wet pussy hair Kimber wiggeled her mouse and woke up her computer." Are you telling me that she yanked out her pubes and then wiggled the mouse with the same hand? That's how this sentence reads.

I'd be happy to help you by sub-editing if you'd like me to.

PLEASE! Go forth and edit! I did run thru a spell checker here on my end heh.

Aint Vicodin a pain in the ass when you're trying to be creative?

 

[Fizzbangboom]

'Mound' can refer either to a breast or the pubic mound, so it all depends on the context.



I think she just had numerous pubes sticking to her hand. I can see that being a handful.

As T said, I was refering to her pubic mound. for boobs I would think that the plural would be used, i.e. "Kimber cupped her mounds..."


In the second sentence I was trying to say that one hand was down her pants and the other was on the computer mouse.

 

[Fizzbangboom]

amalgam, I was just trying to add you as a co-editor but cant figure out how to do that till you post something to a thread. hrmmm....