Stones of Incienda Ch1. pt. 2 up

[Zodia195]

Hey guys the next part of my Stones of Incienda is up now. It's a continuation of the Masked ball and we meet rest of the main cast- https://www.literotica.com/s/stones-of-incienda-ch-01-pt-02

To read the first part, check out the link in my signature.

 

[myindeeds]

Stones of Incienda Ch. 01 Pt. 01

- I really don't like this opening:

"Cyrus was highly distracted by his own thoughts. So much so that he accidentally bumped into someone."

For starters, there is one thought expressed which has been split by a full stop. And how can I imagine this distraction; why are you concealing the distracton? Don't tell me, make the effort to show me. You say the distraction is "highly" then you say it is "so much so", OK I get it, Cyrus is distracted (although the how and why is ignored). The one thing I do like about this opening is that it says something about the main character.

- "He completely lost all thought though when he saw her. The young lady took his breath away!" Far too much telling, for something important to the introduction you can show me this happening.

- The dialogue is OK, sometimes even good although it is lacking in drama, but it is also occasionally awful:

King Tsung, noticing the look, turned to his eldest daughter and said, "You're up to something daughter."

"Indeed I am father." Mao admitted.

That second line is my problem:
- the punctuation is wrong. I'm a Grammar Nazi, so sue me.
- "Mao said", not "Mao admitted", which is telling not showing
- Mao is directly revealing her thoughts which is on the nose. If everyone is going to be upfront with their wants & desires then there really isn't much of a story to tell.
- Most of your dialogue is neatly paired: a 6 six word question is met by an answer which is about as long. It's like all the character are on the same wavelength, and that is dull. Trying using silence and other asynchronous responses to questions (the response to a snippy question is a long rant, or vice-versa)