Stephanie's Revenge

[phantome71]

I have just posted "Stephanie's Revenge". http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=227916
Would be pleased to get some feedback. Thanks

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Needs trimmed

You need to trim it. I would start the story with the paragraph that says "They knew the English woman was pissed." Everything before that can be eliminated. Every line in your story must do one of two things: Reveal character or advance the action.

You also cheat the readers by not describing the full gangbang. You build up to it, and then cheat the reader with "and then they fucked her every way they could think of."

 

[ETanker7]

It was a good story but most people would leave it from the start. You need to get a better AGD or cut the beginning out a bit. But I did like it. lol Personally, if I was her I would have invited them to my place and let my husband catch use in the act. Serves him right; at least I was strait forward about it instead of hiding it away with secrets and lies right?

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Phamtome,

I liked the opening; grabbing the wrong cell phone is one of those ordinary things that might happen to any of us, thus I could instantly relate. This is a perfect little message to: 'if you must know they're pink with lace trimming!'- it shows me so much of the state of the relationship between the husband and the secretary. Well done.

That said, a few questions come to mind:

If her husband took the wrong phone in the morning, one would presume she would have taken the phone with her to the charity event. So why hasn't she noticed it's the wrong phone until just before it's time to pick him up? He must have noticed since he later calls the number.

Perhaps a little more important, at least to me, why does she idly scroll through to see if he had any text messages. Is she simply checking to see if he left a message for her? Or is she just curious? Does she consider it spying? Would it not have been more interesting if she thought it was her phone until she read the message?

In general, I would have preferred a slower pace with additional details. For example: Her husband was explaining that he would be very late due to pressure of work and would she please leave the car in the car park and get a taxi home. I'd like to hear exactly what he said. I'd like to see her face as she hears it. Plus, why have the battery go dead? How she would have responded, knowing why he's really staying late, would have said so much about her.

Also, what details there are seem to be off. Why does she have to push past three men to get into the pub? Were they standing outside, or just inside, or neither? If it's during the evening rush, why is the pub almost empty? Later, she's crossing the road amid the hustle and bustle of traffic, yet she can hear the pub door open?

Lastly, there's some tellyness to the tale. A few examples:

She ... had a fiery temper when she turned it on.

The three American boys sat fascinated.

... her general demeanour was that of a well-educated young woman.

Stephanie ... was now hopping mad.

Her self-imposed predicament made her frightened and despite herself the feeling of helplessness was causing her to become aroused.

If you don't know what I mean by 'tellyness', please consider having a look here:
http://www.customline.com/wordware/showing.html

In spite of the above reservations/suggestions, I still found Stephanie to be an interesting and sympathetic character- she has a problem I can identify with. This makes all the difference; a character without a problem is a boring character. While Stephanie was of interest to me, the sex wasn't and I skimmed it. That she had chosen to cheat was enough for me, I didn't particularly care what she did. That the men were essentially stud #1, stud #2, and stud #3 certainly did not increase my interest.

The ending, while it did tie things up, left me with questions I wanted answered, most important- how did the couple make up? Does each know about the other's infedelity? This, again to me, would have been the most interesting part of the story, what happens after they've both cheated.

In general, there seem to be two types of 'stories' on this site: quick sex scenes with minimal development and real stories that attempt to have plot, characters, conflict, and resolution. I'm still not sure which type this particular story was meant to be.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[kbate]

I had some difficulty reading this story.

I agree with flashlight7.5 that it could be chopped by 20 to 30%. Far more words than necessary to describe things.

I spent about 5 minutes thinking and came up with this as a possible opening sequence. Still not completely happy and a little verbose, but I like it better.
-------------------------------------
Stephanie sat in a pub, awaiting her husband’s train and sipping a gin and tonic. The mobile rang and she fished it out of her handbag; listened to her husband explaining that he would be very late, due to pressure of work and would she please leave the car in the car park and take a taxi home. She was about to reply but he had already broken the connection.

“Interesting,” she thought, “this is his phone, he must have mine.”

Curious, Stephanie scrolled through his text messages, glancing at the headers. Soon she found a message reading ‘if you must know they're pink with lace trimming.' It was from his secretary.

Stephanie went white. If his secretary was teasing him about her underwear, it would not be long before he was fucking her. “The cheating bastard!”

"Blast," she said out loud, “I bet she is sitting on his lap with his hand in her panties.”

“What can I do to get even with him,” she thought, finishing her drink and rising to leave.

"Hey, just a minute," said a voice, “what are you mad about girl?"

Stephanie was about to ask what the hell business was it of his, but thought better of it. "Oh, my husband; he's having it off with his secretary if you really want to know," she said.
------

and off into introductions and sex.......