Step-parent/child relationships.

[modest mouse]

This trickled into my mind over Thanksgiving. My stepfather and I made dinner and had a good time doing so.

I actually get along with my stepfather better than anyone else in my family. Our personalities are total opposites (he is extroverted, I'm introverted, etc, etc) but we get along like brothers really. From the moment he met my mother (11 years ago), we got along well. He treated me with respect and didn't try to be anything more than my friend. Since that time we have grown very close and I consider him to be as much a part of my family as my mother or sister.

He took on the responsibilities of helping support my mother, sister, and myself without any hesitation. I'm not sure what the latter half of my childhood would have been without his presence, it is safe to say it would have been as wacked as the first half if not more so. He stabilized my family in a way that I will never forget. There is an unsaid respect between the two of us that means a great deal to me.

Sometimes I find myself in the position of trying to describe or explain the relationship between my stepfather and myself(and my sister and mother). Its often rather difficult to do so to people who have not been in that situation or had negative relationships with a stepparent.

I'm wondering what other people's feeling are about stepparents or stepchildren, good or bad. Every situation is obviously unique but its something that isn't discussed very often.

The perspective of a stepparent would be more than welcomed.

 

[Elizabeth]

I hope I can add to this topic that I am very familiar with. I am a step mother of a son and daughter. They are not grown, still kids. I will always believe it is the most difficult relationship there is , harder than parenting your bio kids. In a nutshell, their bio mom took off when they were infants, 3 mos and 18 mos old. I have been the only mom they have ever had. They do see her from time to time but only when she is more,or less forced to. (i.e Xmas, birthdays) I hear such sadness in their voices when they return from an encounter with their mom, makes me wonder if we do the right thing my letting them see her at all.

I think that if you had a stepparent and you are grown and can have a relationship, you are in the minority. Seems this there is so much annnamosity between, step parent and child, life can be difficult later on. The observation of your stepfather taking on the responsibility of raising a family is the core of this. My husband is the stepdad of my two sons. Bio dad not into parenting. He has never once gave me any indication that he resents them or the weight he bears to support this family. He has always said "those boys are a extention of you. I love them because of that".


I hope that when all of our kids are grown, they will understand that all we did was try to make their lives as good as possible and raise them as best we could. But it is so very hard, sometimes.

 

[Gilly Bean]

My parents divorced when I was 2, with my mother walking out on us. When I was 5 my father remarried. My stepmother, Mona, I love, but she is an alcoholic, and a frequent drug user, and has since we were kids. When she is drunk, she is very verbally abusive, and when she is high, she is very argumenitive, seeking to start fights, and what not.

I learned at an early age to keep my mouth shut when she was in either state of mind. It was far easier to just let her rant then it was to fight back. That just got her more mad.

My father never really saw that side of her, or if he did, he ignored it.

When I was 17, I got pregnant with my oldest. One night, right before Thanksgiving, (I was around 4 months along) I got home from work, and she was both high, and drunk, or more accuretly, coming down from both. At the time, I was working part time at 2 jobs, and going to school, plus taking dance classes and teaching dance classes 4 days a week. I was rarely home. Anyway, she came out of her bedroom, and was spitting mad about what ever it is her mind makes up. That time I think it was that I stopped and rented a movie after work, instead of coming straight home.

She was yelling, as she always did, and I was quietly taking it, as I always did. Something happened differently along the way, and she got even more mad because I wasn't talking back. The fight lasted with her just ranting and yelling for close to an hour, then deciding to leave to "go to the bar where her real friends are".

My parents have a bar they go to almost every day. Well, my father happened to stop after work there, and found Mona there bitching to the bar friends about how horrible I am, and what not. My dad didn't know anything else about it, but he came home mad about what I supposedly did to Mona (which I still don't know what it was). We fought, and I finally got fed up with it, and told him there was no way I was going to raise my baby in the same house as Mona. He said fine, then you can leave. I did.

I drove around all night crying, and finally ended up at my Grandma's at 5am. I ended up living there for the rest of my pregnancy. Mona left me alone alot more after that, but I still would get phone calls in the middle of the night from her, when she was drunk, and get reemed for no reason. One thing she didn't like was that my dad would baby sit my daughter once in a while after she was born. Mona hated that.

That stopped when I moved in with my husband, and things have mellowed out alot since. Hubby was talking with her one night, a few years back, and she told him that she has no recollection of what happened that night I was kicked out. She says that she thinks my dad and I got into a fight, but she's not sure. She is one of the number one reasons why I am so adament about what parents do around kids with drinking and drugs, and smoking.

 

[modest mouse]

Elizabeth and Gilly Bean,

Thank you for the replies. As I said every experience is different which is illustrated by two informative posts. Thank you both for sharing.

 

[Mellon Collie]

Well I've had three stepfathers and my Mom is now living with fiancee and soon to be husband number 4;

Stepdad # 1 - I hated him. He was brought into my life when I was 4 and was there till I was 13. The only good thing he did for me was give me my little sister but I'm sure I'm jaded by sexual abuse.

Stepdad # 2 - I hated him also but it was my mother's doing. As I Shortly mentioned before, Stepdad # 1 molested me and I had a severe distrust for men after him, she started dating this guy two months after everything happened with # 1 so of course I was weary about him and devastated when he moved in. Luckily they broke up a few months after they got married.

Stepdad # 3 - This one I actually liked. I went to therapy so I was over the whole men are the devil thing and this guy was totally respectful, I don't think that he even stepped foot in my bedroom the entire time I was living with my Mom. I actually started seeing him as a father figure before I moved out and headed off for college. Unfortunately they broke up my freshman year.

As for my soon to be Stepdad # 4, I don't know him to well since I don't live at home but he seems like an ok guy. We'll see how long this one lasts since my mom goes through men like water.

 

[Debbie]

I am a stepparent to four kids, 20, 18, 12 and 8.

The 18 yr old (boy) has lived with us since he was 14. The 12 yr old (boy) moved in with us 2 months ago. The 20 yr old (girl) has lived with us off and on.

I love all the kids and right from the beginning treated the kids the same way. (I have two boys of my own from previous marriage 13 and 8)
I am only 12 years older than the 20 year old daughter. She is the only one I have a hard time with. Not because we don't like each other but because she is very good at pitting people against one another. There is distance between us due to all the lies and nastiness. It took five years for us to find out that she is bi polar. This helped me to understand a little better but there will always be that guardedness. Especially becuase she had a little baby and neglected her. The baby lived with us from four months till she was nearly 10 months. She now lives with her Dad and her mother has moved 8 hours away wanting to only see her at Christmas. Mia is only 15 months. She thinks I am her Mum.

No matter what I still love her. I just wish she would take her medication.

My stepson (18) is a fantastic kid. I am so proud of him. He could hardly read or write when he came to us and his stepdad had been incredible abusive to him. (We didn't know this was going on. We asked the kids but they always covered up)
He has grown into a strong, hardworking responsible young man. I love being a stepparent.

 

[morninggirl5]

My parents split up right before my 8th birthday. My father was having an affair. He married her the day after the divorce was final. For the twenty years they were married, I saw my father probably 10-15 times. She hated my sister, but actually treated me pretty decently. If I ever see her again, I hope there is someone to restrain me. I've learned since the divorce of the way she treated my grandfather. If there is any justice, there's a special of corner of hell reserved just for her.

My mother remarried about a year later. I don't remember how long I had a step-father. I'd prefer to be able to forget he ever existed. If he's not there already, he'll be joining my stepmother in that corner of hell.

My father's third wife is technically my stepmother, but I don't view her that way. She's two years older than me and we have a mutual tolerance of each other.

 

[modest mouse]

Mellon Collie, my friend, you bared your soul. Thank you for sharing and you cannot be all that jaded considering your ridiculous love of chipmunks.

Debbiexxx, an example of how dynamic the definiton of family is and a parental POV.

Morninggirl, yours is close to the flip side of my experience. My situation improved with the introduction of my stepfather.

 

[cymbidia]

I have a 13 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.
MS has a 12 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.

Within 2 months, he and i will be living together, permanently.
Within six months both our divorces will be final.
Within a year, he and i will be married.

Both of us will have joint custody of our kids with our former spouses. We'll see my kids daily; he's still working out the custody arrangements but we'll see his very often, too.

At this point, none of those kids know about each other. Heck, my kids don't even know about him, yet - and his don't know about me.

Think we have a rocky road in front of us? Worrying about how the kids will take to each of us and each other makes the whole decision to divorce and the time since then seem mild and pleasant.

I've hesitantly broched the subject of a stepfather and step-siblings to my daughter and she responded with an enthusiastic, "I've always wanted a sister!" However, when faced with one, her reaction may be a bit more mild. MS doesn't have a clue how kids will feel about it all.

We're both prepared to accept some resistance and hostility in the beginning but feel sure that our kids will see how incredibly happy we are with each other and, so, relax in the face of that.

Is that unrealistic?

Man. This thread has gotten me all worried now. I was about ready to go to sleep, too.

 

[TygerEyez]

My parents divorced when I was about eight. Then, some years later after everything had settled down, my father married Cheryl. I wanted to dislike her, simply because kids are supposed to dislike step-mothers. The whole wicked thing going on...

Now, I see her differently. In some ways, she's more of a mother than my own is. She sits down and discusses things with me, instead of accusing me, and we share alot of the same interests, such as singing and piano.

I love my stepmother enough to ignore the "step" and introduce her as my other mom, and her children as my brothers and sisters. There's no difference between us, only that our parents met too late for us to be real blood-siblings. We're real family either way.

 

[kiwiwolf]

I am step-dad to three of the most amazing kids ever and father of one. My oldest is 9 and my youngest is 3. I have never differentiated between my biological baby and my step kids because to me there is no difference. I love them all equally.

My step munchkins have been with me for 5 years, so in effect I am the only real father figure these kids have had. Right from the beginning I have referred to them as my kids, and they call me Dad.

I have a much better relationship with my kids than I had with my father. He was a prick and the town drunk. He never spent time with me or my siblings, and treated my mother like shit.

I think that the fact I had a crap childhood makes me a damned good father now. I am so incredibly motivated to avoid the mistakes my father made with me, that I sometimes smother my kids and my partner has to tell me to back up a bit. I spend every spare minute I can with them, playing, reading and taking them places. All of my kids could write their names before their 4th birthday and knew the alphabet by 3 yrs. They all know that they can come to me with any problem.

My kids are all really well adjusted. My oldest is starting a holiday program for gifted children in January, and the second oldest will be doing a drama class she has been begging us for. Kids, whether they are yours biologically or by default, have only one shot at a good start. It's up to us to give it to them.

 

[Debbie]

I have a 13 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.
MS has a 12 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.

Within 2 months, he and i will be living together, permanently.
Within six months both our divorces will be final.
Within a year, he and i will be married.

Both of us will have joint custody of our kids with our former spouses. We'll see my kids daily; he's still working out the custody arrangements but we'll see his very often, too.

At this point, none of those kids know about each other. Heck, my kids don't even know about him, yet - and his don't know about me.

Think we have a rocky road in front of us? Worrying about how the kids will take to each of us and each other makes the whole decision to divorce and the time since then seem mild and pleasant.

I've hesitantly broched the subject of a stepfather and step-siblings to my daughter and she responded with an enthusiastic, "I've always wanted a sister!" However, when faced with one, her reaction may be a bit more mild. MS doesn't have a clue how kids will feel about it all.

We're both prepared to accept some resistance and hostility in the beginning but feel sure that our kids will see how incredibly happy we are with each other and, so, relax in the face of that.

Is that unrealistic?

Man. This thread has gotten me all worried now. I was about ready to go to sleep, too.

Don't be worried. LOL I remember the first time I met ONE of my husbands kids I smoked so much in nervousness that I threw up! She never said a word. I was daunted at first but right from the beginning I decided I was going to be completely natural with the kids. Quiet but very interactive first. Getting to know them and they in turn me. We spent a lot of time going places and doing things. Going to the beach, fun activities. (Not expensive, trying to give them all individual attention.
I genuinely liked them and showed it. Spending time with them is the most important thing. And honesty, kids know when you are trying to fool them! I admitted to them I was nervous about meeting them. Lots of loves. We have had ups and downs but the kids know I love them. I tell tem often enough! And show them too. I spend more (a lot more) time with them than their Mum. I listen to them. I stick up for them.
Cymbidia you are a great person. I know you will be fine!




Kiwiwolf I love the pic! A great Dad and neat kids! You are a cool guy. Thanks for being a good Dad to all your kids.

 

[JenJ]

Cymbida there may be some resisent at first but if you approach the situation right things will work out.

I'm jaded on the subject of step-parents just because mine is rotting in a corner of hell which in my oppinon is too good for him.

I'm a step-mother know to twin 10 yr olds that is a challenge because I'm only 13 yrs older then they are yet it works because we work at it. Today they shocked me because they called me mom which I wasn't expecting but knew that it was a possibitly.

I think that has to do with that I don't treat any of my kids differently because they are truely mine or adopted because I have adopted them and another older child.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Kiwiwolf I love the pic! A great Dad and neat kids! You are a cool guy. Thanks for being a good Dad to all your kids.

Thanks Debbie... that means a lot.

 

[Debbie]

Thanks Debbie... that means a lot.

You are welcome! It isn't always easy being a stepparent but well worth it!

Sleeping innocent face on their pillow
A sticky jam and peanut butter kiss
Greasy handprints on the window
Nothing could make me miss all this

Debbiexxx

PS My hubby has long red hair and a beard too!

 

[Angel]

I have a whole slew of Step Parents.

My parents seperated the summer before I began second grade.

My father wasn't really a dad. He was the guy who picked me up every other weekend and usually scared the hell out of me until I was about 14 or so.

My first stepfather entered the picture when I was 9. Him and my mom bought a house, she got pregnant and then they got married when I was 10.

He wasn't much of a father figure. He was more of the Friend trying to suck up to me so I would like him and then would turn around and discipline me for things I never even did wrong.

Then he cheated on my mom with her best friend, left us along with his infant son and married the wench.

So when I was 14 she met the crackhead. They just recently broke up. They never really got married but he was like a stepfather. My sister who was born 4 years ago is his, so at least he did something right.

Anyway, when she met the crackhead, she suddenly forgot she had a teenager. She spent my entire high school career wondering where he was, looking for him and pining over him.

He would also get coked out, leave the bags in the living room and tell my mom they were mine. She was in denial that he was a crackhead and would believe him
He would come home drunk and break everything. Doors, windows, TV, my stereo. He sold my SuperNES and VCR for a 20 back of crack.

-sigh- Okay so this is why I REALLY left school. I wanted to get out so I worked instead to do so. I've been o ut of that house since I was 17.

I've spent the past 5 years giving her money to pay rent because he cracked out all of her money. He sold all of her shit for dope. He destroyed everything she had. I am now broke and having to live with my cousin partially because of this. I no longer have any savings.


She -just- packed up my sister and left him. Too bad she couldnt have taken my step sister. She's 14 and I wish she didn't have to live alone with that piece of shit that is her father.


On the other hand, my stepmother is a wonderful woman who I love very much.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

Wow. Well I don't know that I can do the previous posts justice with my thoughts, or if I can do my thoughtts justice with my words. You folk are truley a wonderful bunch, I'm glad to be back amongst such open and diverse people.

My parents seperated when I was five. It was the best thing they ever did, for themselves, and for us. Both have gone on to have full and happy relationships. I don't get on with my Dad's girlfriend (is she still a girlfriend after 20 years?) that well, but you thake the good with the bad.

My step father on the other hand is simply the most amazing man I have known. I love him incredibly, I credit him with most of the positive things I think I have about me. He has guided and taught me to be the man I am.

In addition I am a step father, kind of. I spent six years with my ex, from the time her son was a year old. When he was four, his father was killed in an accident. I'm basically the only father he knows. Though he hung onto the memory of his father and was quite adamant about me not being his daddy, over time I have become 'Dad' and these days the person he thinks of when he needs support and love.

I love him as much as I love my daughter, though his mother makes things difficult now.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Beautiful kid mate... they change your world don't they man?

 

[Debbie]

lol now I must include my proud announcement that at the ripe old age of 32 I am a step gramma

Here is an old photo of her! (She is now 15 months old and the apple of my eye!)

 

[Debbie]

ahem cough still learning here we go

 

[kiwiwolf]

Hey Debbie she is gorgeous.... and I'll personally knuckle anyone round here that calls you Granny...OK?

 

[Juspar Emvan]

Hey Granny

Can you get you'r rear to Rotten Rua anytime around Christmas/New Year? That goes for you too Kiwiwolf, let's show those yanks that we can organise a get together, even if there are only 5 of us in the country.

 

[Debbie]

Hey Debbie she is gorgeous.... and I'll personally knuckle anyone round here that calls you Granny...OK?

It's all good People just think she's my daughter! That's what Dove moisturizing cream can do for gramma wrinkles

 

[Debbie]

Hey Granny

Can you get you'r rear to Rotten Rua anytime around Christmas/New Year? That goes for you too Kiwiwolf, let's show those yanks that we can organise a get together, even if there are only 5 of us in the country.

Hey you, damn you hummmpfff Wanna screw a gramma? NOT!!!

I would so love to but have sister coming for first time in over 17 years. Can do later in the year! Would be amazing!

 

[kiwiwolf]

Hey Granny

Can you get you'r rear to Rotten Rua anytime around Christmas/New Year? That goes for you too Kiwiwolf, let's show those yanks that we can organise a get together, even if there are only 5 of us in the country.

Rota-Vegas... Damn man one of my favourite hell holes. Might just about be able to make it. I'll have to get a note from my Mom but yeah I think we can do it... Bring on the Export!!!!