Starting over after Eight Years

[Stenn]

Me and my wife have been together ten and married eight this year. Looking back there are very few years that I would say were "full of joy" not all bad but certainly the first three years were absolutely brutal and I'd say it took us five years to even figure out who we are as a couple and what we want out of our life. Even then we fought more than we wanted to, I was constantly unhappy and looking everywhere but my wife for happiness. She was unhappy and looking at television books and even food as ways to find her happiness. After eight years she came to me this week with with a life altering idea.

So a little less than a week ago my wife of eight years came to me and asked me what I thought of a D/s relationship. I blew her off because although she's submissive in some areas when it comes right down to it she can't stand it when I make a decision she disagrees with and it always lead to an argument.

After several proddings from her to think about it after sex one time we laid down and read several different articles on the D/s lifestyle outside of the bedroom.

We came to the conclusion that we already do a lot of the things. She always asks my permission before doing almost anything and at the end of the day even if we fought about it for three hours I always make the decision. She would ask me where do I want to go to dinner or what do I want to do or how do I feel about this or that. I would always respond with "whatever you want". We still wound up arguing about it and I could never understand why telling a woman "do whatever you want" and honestly meaning it could upset her. Together we discovered because she didn't want to do whatever she wanted. She wanted ME to tell her what she wanted. She didn't want to be stressed with the decision making and wanted to submit to my wills. So when I would pass it back to her it would upset her.

We're doing a trial run throughout the summer. The reason for this post is to get an idea of married couples that live this lifestyle in and out of the bedroom. How structured and detailed are the rules what range of punishments are hannded out? What are some helpful tips from Doms in regards to not 'abusing your power". I still want to hear her opinion on things I still want her to think for herself.

Its very evident for me what a sub gets out of this. What about the Doms though? If I do something that is not very dominant if I break my own rules am I to go without consequence to do whatever I want? Any feedback would be great. I'm not looking for advice per say because part of this process is discovering what it is for you. However I am the type that learns from hearing of others experiences. Ideally I would cherry pick and choose from dozens of sources and people in molding this lifestyle as our own.

 

[CutieMouse]

<snippage>

While I'm no longer married, I do view my D/s relationship as more than "in the bedroom".

How structured and detailed are the rules what range of punishments are hannded out?

My only big "rules" are

1) communicate honestly
2) own my own shit
3) respect the friendship

We don't do punishment. At all. If either of us screws something up, we discuss it like adults, figure out what led to the issue, and work together to find a solution.

What are some helpful tips from Doms in regards to not 'abusing your power". I still want to hear her opinion on things I still want her to think for herself.

Ummm... treat it like a relationship? The Men™ don't do dickish things, because ) they aren't dicks and B) they both love and care for me. That doesn't mean that they don't make difficult decisions, or that everything is unicorns and rainbows, but [so far] our respect for one another prevents any abuse of power.

Its very evident for me what a sub gets out of this. What about the Doms though?

I get my needs met by being allowed to cater to them. They get their needs met by being catered to. One of The Men™ likens it to being a CEO or overseeing a construction crew - he gets the pleasure of knowing the tasks he delegates are being taken care of (by someone who genuinely enjoys and takes pride in accomplishing the things he asks), allowing him the freedom to take care of other things. Win/win.

If I do something that is not very dominant if I break my own rules am I to go without consequence to do whatever I want?

Give me an example of something that "is not very dominant", please.

The last time J was in town, after we were ummm... finished being intimate, he told me to lie still, straightened the bed, got me a drink of water, and snuggled me to sleep. I tried to get up and do all those things (get us a drink, fluff pillows, etc), but he wouldn't allow it. He wanted me to fall asleep, so dammit I was going to fall asleep. LOL

I'd suggest doing your best to avoid stupidity, and on the occasions you fail... proceed with humility.

<snippage>

 

[Ldy_Sea]

I agree communication is key. Complete honesty is a must especially in a D/s relationship. If something is not working for one of you and you lie about it or hide it resentments will grow, and may kill the relationship.

Set definite boundaries, what are her and your limits that cannot be crossed.

Look up the submssives bill of rights.

Decide how much this will carry on outside of the bedroom. Will she call you Master/Sir in front of friends/family and are you ready to explain when asked.

 

[njlauren]

There are no hard and fast rules, which is what makes it a lot of fun (please, if you read these sites with 'the rules of d/s relationships', "a dominant must do x", etc, get the hell away from them, they are written by people who probably never had been in one or are some jerk out to make themselves out as an authority. If a dominant likes to cook and makes great meals to share with his sub, so what? That pleases him or her, which is the point of this..if a dominant likes to bring his sub flowers, or tuck her in at night, (talking male dom here since OP is one), so? I know a particularly dominant guy with a sub wife who writes her love poems (okay, you could argue that is torture since they are likely more like vogon poetry then Elizabeth Barret Browning, but what the heck *lol*).

The key is communications and there are a ton of ways to do this. Some people have the sub write a diary/journal that the dominant reads and perhaps comments on; others set aside time each week where they talk freely (others have totally open communication at any point). Things like what works, what doesn't, places either would like to go, peeves with how things work, new boundaries, all can be discussed here. D/s relationships IMO take a lot more work and communication than vanilla ones do. The key thing here is shaping the relationship the way you want it to, and yes, it is shaped by both people, even if for example you choose to make it that you have the final say (some subs on the other hand get to the point where they don't want input, but that is pretty out there on the scale of things).

The structure comes out of those communications. One of the great tools IMO is the contract, it forces both parties to think about what they want and write it down. I recommend starting out doing the contracts over a short term (week, month, couple of months) to force you to rethink things regularly, over time that would probably stretch out. Some dominants want total control, where subs make few decisions, some take it to the extremes of things like when the sub can go to the bathroom and the like, or decide what they wear (or don't wear). Other doms find that too much and cede a lot more to the sub, there is no magic formula.

As far as what the dominant gets, they tend to get made the focus of things, the sub focuses on them first, which in some cases, especially with *ahem* men, means the dominant actually feels appreciated (said partly with tongue in cheek) and my observation is it also kind of is living into a fantasy world (I was in it as the sub, but my wife agreed), it was kind of neat to have our own rules, and quite frankly it was also a mindfuck to see how the subtle and not so subtle things played out in public (for example, being mindful of my spouse was always kind of interesting, what was the sub doing their duty to outsiders looked like the dutiful husband taking care of his wife...when in out reality, it was me focusing on her, taking care of 'my lady' or whatever.... Or seeing the reaction when she forbade me to speak when we were out at dinner, where i looked to her for everything (fortunately for the restaurant, she didn't order me liver, since that tends to lead me to , well, get sick..).....it is like living a fantasy in the middle of 'real life' and it was great for both of us, because it is so different then typical dynamics. It is funny, I had a friend comment that she couldn't understand a female sub with a dom male, because the power dynamics to her weren't far from what male/female marriage often was like, what she didn't see was that in a sense they were going back a long ways to recreate in the 20th/21st century a kind of anachronism recreating way old modes, which made it exciting for the couple, being this 21st century couple living in the burbs with two jobs and kids and such, and living like Lord and Liege with his serving girl or whatever..Difference of course is they both are getting something out of it.

BTW, I highly recommend a book called "Different Loving' by Gloria Brame, Amazon and the rest have it, it talks about the gamut of bd/sm relationships including d/s ones, worth the read.

The thing again is to make it your own, and take it as it comes. It is obvious your wife likes the idea, now see if

 

[njlauren]

There are no hard and fast rules, which is what makes it a lot of fun (please, if you read these sites with 'the rules of d/s relationships', "a dominant must do x", etc, get the hell away from them, they are written by people who probably never had been in one or are some jerk out to make themselves out as an authority. If a dominant likes to cook and makes great meals to share with his sub, so what? That pleases him or her, which is the point of this..if a dominant likes to bring his sub flowers, or tuck her in at night, (talking male dom here since OP is one), so? I know a particularly dominant guy with a sub wife who writes her love poems (okay, you could argue that is torture since they are likely more like vogon poetry then Elizabeth Barret Browning, but what the heck *lol*).

The key is communications and there are a ton of ways to do this. Some people have the sub write a diary/journal that the dominant reads and perhaps comments on; others set aside time each week where they talk freely (others have totally open communication at any point). Things like what works, what doesn't, places either would like to go, peeves with how things work, new boundaries, all can be discussed here. D/s relationships IMO take a lot more work and communication than vanilla ones do. The key thing here is shaping the relationship the way you want it to, and yes, it is shaped by both people, even if for example you choose to make it that you have the final say (some subs on the other hand get to the point where they don't want input, but that is pretty out there on the scale of things).

The structure comes out of those communications. One of the great tools IMO is the contract, it forces both parties to think about what they want and write it down. I recommend starting out doing the contracts over a short term (week, month, couple of months) to force you to rethink things regularly, over time that would probably stretch out. Some dominants want total control, where subs make few decisions, some take it to the extremes of things like when the sub can go to the bathroom and the like, or decide what they wear (or don't wear). Other doms find that too much and cede a lot more to the sub, there is no magic formula.

As far as what the dominant gets, they tend to get made the focus of things, the sub focuses on them first, which in some cases, especially with *ahem* men, means the dominant actually feels appreciated (said partly with tongue in cheek) and my observation is it also kind of is living into a fantasy world (I was in it as the sub, but my wife agreed), it was kind of neat to have our own rules, and quite frankly it was also a mindfuck to see how the subtle and not so subtle things played out in public (for example, being mindful of my spouse was always kind of interesting, what was the sub doing their duty to outsiders looked like the dutiful husband taking care of his wife...when in out reality, it was me focusing on her, taking care of 'my lady' or whatever.... Or seeing the reaction when she forbade me to speak when we were out at dinner, where i looked to her for everything (fortunately for the restaurant, she didn't order me liver, since that tends to lead me to , well, get sick..).....it is like living a fantasy in the middle of 'real life' and it was great for both of us, because it is so different then typical dynamics. It is funny, I had a friend comment that she couldn't understand a female sub with a dom male, because the power dynamics to her weren't far from what male/female marriage often was like, what she didn't see was that in a sense they were going back a long ways to recreate in the 20th/21st century a kind of anachronism recreating way old modes, which made it exciting for the couple, being this 21st century couple living in the burbs with two jobs and kids and such, and living like Lord and Liege with his serving girl or whatever..Difference of course is they both are getting something out of it.

BTW, I highly recommend a book called "Different Loving' by Gloria Brame, Amazon and the rest have it, it talks about the gamut of bd/sm relationships including d/s ones, worth the read.

The thing again is to make it your own, and take it as it comes. It is obvious your wife likes the idea, now see what you need/want out of it. If for anything, you may find it ends up putting your relationship into ne w territory and one where peace is kind of kept by the strength of the d/s.

As far as punishments go, that is up to you guys. Some of the most effective ones are spur of the moment things, for having a smart mouth I once had to put gum up my butt while we were driving, another time I ended up bobbing for vegetarian bacon strips in the toilet after doing something else, lots of creativity is possible. Or you may choose to forgo that, and instead of punishment, have something like where she has to write about what she did wrong and why, then talk to you about it, and about how she is going to fix it in the future. Note that if you do punishments, if you guys also do BD/SM scene play for 'pleasure', that punishments be beyond that level, something she doesn't enjoy, otherwise you may end up with a SAM (Smart Assed Masochist, i.e someone who fucks up to get 'punished').

 

[eastern sun]

This thread is chronicling a married M/s relationship with children.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=623345