Start having sex again

[wxstang2]

I'll try and keep things short, but here's the deal with my current situation:

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years, and I would say it's been a good relationship. However our one weakness is in the bedroom, I'm not sure exactly how or why it happened but over the last few years my wife felt pressure to have sex. Some of this pressure was admittedly my fault... I would sulk, pout and make her feel bad if we didnt have sex. I know that was wrong and immature and I'm doing by best to make sure I NEVER make her feel that way again. About 18 months ago, I found some emails between my wife and one of our neighbors/friends. They went well beyond the bounds of "just friends". It was at this point that we entered counseling, and it seemed to be a little help but not too much. It took about 6 months, but my wife swears that this "thing" with the neighbor/friend is over. She claims that she never slept with him, but that she did cross some lines. She says over and over that she wants to stay in our marriage, and this is where she wants to be. The problem is that we get along great, we have fun together, we laugh and play but there is no sex. It's been 18 months since we had sex and probably close to 2 years since we had meaningful sex. I feel like a total heel for even asking for advice, but I'm on my last straw.

Now just to give you an idea, here are some of the things I have tried doing to get things going:
1) Vacations/Getaways
2) Romantic Dinners
3) Planned weekend activities together
4) Try to keep the house clean and make her feel comfortable
5) Massage and touching without demanding or expecting sex.

I feel like I'm trapped, If I come on to her too strong she shuts down. If I do nothing, she seems happy to just continue with the way things are. Our relationship at least in a sexual sense was not ALWAYS this way. In the beginning we had sex frequently. I'm confused and depressed and one step away from packing all of my stuff up and leaving. Any help or thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Thanks

 

[ms_sub_liminal]

i'm assuming the no sex thing came up in your counseling sessions, if not i think it's about time to throw that in there. you can call your counseling and tell them the situation (basically what you just said here) and they can either give you advice on how to bring it up yourself or bring it up for you in one of your sessions. if you aren't in counseling anymore, i'd probably still call and ask for the advice.

really all i can say is that you should somehow sit down and talk with your wife in an open, non-threatening situation. ask her how she thinks things have been going lately, what needs to be worked on, what you can do to help, and work your way around to the fact that you miss being intimate with her and what would make her comfortable to start taking those baby steps toward that again. it's possible that she thinks you're "happy to continue the way things are" too. i mean, you say you have a great relationship outside the bedroom. sex just isn't that important for everyone also i don't know her age, but people's sex drive does decrease as they get older or due to certain medications.

however you end up approaching the matter make sure of three things.
1) do not place blame on anyone. that includes yourself, her, the neighbor, cable tv, nada.
2) be sure you have your side clearly figured out beforehand. you say you're a step away from leaving. are you? if you do/don't want to stay in the marriage then you need to know. also how much are you willing to work/how far are you willing to go to make things work. if she wants to start all over are you ok with that? if she wants to join a sex workshop is that ok? etc.
3) don't place ultimatum dates. it's good to have an idea of 'if things are the same or worse around a year from now i need to take action', but it's bad to set exact guidelines like 'if i'm not having sex by August 1st i'm leaving'. that's not going to help either of you.

i'm sure you already know this, but it just bears repeating. i wish you the best of luck.

 

[SweetErika]

You'd do well to listen to ms_sub_liminal's advice.

How old are you two?

Are there kids in the picture?

Are there any physical, mental or emotional issues, like depression, hormonal changes, medications, a history of abuse, assault or a sexually repressive upbringing?

Have you asked your wife how SHE would like you to approach her when you'd like intimacy?

 

[kimbernee]

Dude, just get out of it. She made you beg for sex, didn't give you any, somehow made you feel like that was your fault, handed it out to someone else (only, kinda, sorta) and is STILL not giving you any. Get out. Please. For your self respect.

 

[wxstang2]

Thanks for all of the advice, I do appreciate it. Just to answer a few questions,

No kids
No history of abuse (that I know of)

I do love this woman and I do want things to work, but when I say I'm ready to leave...well, I mean it. I am at my wits end. If anybody has any kind of suggestions, I hoping that maybe there is something I haven't thought of, or haven't tried. Tell me what works for you in your relationship.

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Thanks for all of the advice, I do appreciate it. Just to answer a few questions,

No kids
No history of abuse (that I know of)

I do love this woman and I do want things to work, but when I say I'm ready to leave...well, I mean it. I am at my wits end. If anybody has any kind of suggestions, I hoping that maybe there is something I haven't thought of, or haven't tried. Tell me what works for you in your relationship.

She doesn't respect you, she's not willing to be flexible to meet your basic needs, she's shady with the neighbor, and it doesn't sound like things are working. Beyond emotional attachment, why are you still in the relationship? It doesn't sound like much else is working.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for all of the advice, I do appreciate it. Just to answer a few questions,

No kids
No history of abuse (that I know of)

I do love this woman and I do want things to work, but when I say I'm ready to leave...well, I mean it. I am at my wits end. If anybody has any kind of suggestions, I hoping that maybe there is something I haven't thought of, or haven't tried. Tell me what works for you in your relationship.

It's hard to give you meaningful suggestions when we have so little information to work with.

Dinners, vacations, massages, etc., are all very superficial bandaids - if the deep communication, understanding and desire to change aren't there for both of you, nothing else will help.

Have you communicated your feelings about being at a loss to your wife? Asked where she is and how she believes you can work on your relationship? Are her needs being fulfilled sexually and otherwise, or does she need something different?

Have you considered talking to a therapist (on your own or together) to figure out whether you can problem-solve or you'd be better off ending your marriage? I know you said therapy didn't help that much with the affair situation, but perhaps the right therapist could help you work through this situation. Even if you decide divorce is your best option in the end, at least you'll be able to feel good about having explored every reasonable option.

 

[thesophist2005]

I'll try and keep things short, but here's the deal with my current situation:

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years, and I would say it's been a good relationship. However our one weakness is in the bedroom, I'm not sure exactly how or why it happened but over the last few years my wife felt pressure to have sex. Some of this pressure was admittedly my fault... I would sulk, pout and make her feel bad if we didnt have sex. I know that was wrong and immature and I'm doing by best to make sure I NEVER make her feel that way again. About 18 months ago, I found some emails between my wife and one of our neighbors/friends. They went well beyond the bounds of "just friends". It was at this point that we entered counseling, and it seemed to be a little help but not too much. It took about 6 months, but my wife swears that this "thing" with the neighbor/friend is over. She claims that she never slept with him, but that she did cross some lines. She says over and over that she wants to stay in our marriage, and this is where she wants to be. The problem is that we get along great, we have fun together, we laugh and play but there is no sex. It's been 18 months since we had sex and probably close to 2 years since we had meaningful sex. I feel like a total heel for even asking for advice, but I'm on my last straw.

Now just to give you an idea, here are some of the things I have tried doing to get things going:
1) Vacations/Getaways
2) Romantic Dinners
3) Planned weekend activities together
4) Try to keep the house clean and make her feel comfortable
5) Massage and touching without demanding or expecting sex.

I feel like I'm trapped, If I come on to her too strong she shuts down. If I do nothing, she seems happy to just continue with the way things are. Our relationship at least in a sexual sense was not ALWAYS this way. In the beginning we had sex frequently. I'm confused and depressed and one step away from packing all of my stuff up and leaving. Any help or thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Man, if she cheated on you with the neighbor you should seriously consider leaving. Even if she didn't sleep with him but just "crossed some boundaries" that is not cool. It depends on what she exactly did. I think if she wants to work on things she's got to step upto the plate and make a serious effort since she was the one flirting with cheating. Tell her what you honestly feel but just say what you have to say. Don't yell or get emotional, just say what you honestly feel. Thats all you can do. If you need a break from the relationship to think things through it might help clarify things in your mind.

You can also consider getting a key logger program and installing it on your computer to check if she is still sending him emails/IM's. Alternatively you can consider hiring a private investigator to see if she is really being honest with you by having her follwed for a few days when you are out of town. I don't think these are good options but if you don't find any evidence that she is continuing to cheat it might give you pause when considering leaving. On the other hand if she is contacting him then your answer is simple.

I don't think anyone here can tell you what the right answer is. I hope you find the right answer on your own and I wish you good luck.

p.s. I know some people are going to jump on me for the last paragraph but please keep in mind she was the one who broke the trust in the relationship.

 

[tisen]

if you forgive her fast she will do it again, if u love her just do a little revenge.. break up for some weeks and cheat her .. then .. maybe u can be with her safely probably ..

 

[subwannabe]

Counseling and communication are your only hope. You're wasting your time trying to come up with romantic getaway ideas, etc. She is in a switched off mode and you're fooling yourself if you think you can just come up with romantic ideas to turn her switch back on and live happily ever after. There is a deep seated something wrong and if you don't find out what it is and fix it all the ideas in the world won't help. Good luck. Don't be afraid to take the obvious step of leaving if that's the only road open to you. You may only have one life to live and then you turn into dust.

 

[satindesire]

if you forgive her fast she will do it again, if u love her just do a little revenge.. break up for some weeks and cheat her .. then .. maybe u can be with her safely probably ..

Right, because being a passive aggressive liar and cheat is a totally healthy and safe way to show your partner you love her and want your marriage to work.

And two wrongs ALWAYS make a right, RIGHT?!

Am I right here? Yeah?

ETA: This is probably why you're still a virgin, pal. Perhaps you should try and rethink how you deal with tough situations in a relationship and perhaps you can get a girlfriend for once.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=30547103&postcount=2863

 

[naxalite0906]

From my past experiences, sometimes these things are hard to fix. By this I dont just mean the sex thing, I mean the stuff she has done in the past and how that affects both you and her. It won't be something you will forget about easily.

I don't want to sound harsh, but you really need to know if it is worth fighting for, and be totally blunt with her about it. But it will not get any easier before it gets better.

 

[hypnopup]

Sorry to hear your story

Sounds like you guys aren't making much headway. I know you want to blame yourself for her actions, but you might not necessarily be to blame. Still, there are a few things you can work on before committing to a getaway vacation.

1. What kind of shape are you in? If you're overweight or have poor hygiene, that could be a large reason that she isn't that into you anymore. I suggest that you start working out regularly, it'll help your marriage and if that still falls apart, it'll help when you get around to dating again.

2. Woman are attracted to confidence. Right now, you're blaming yourself and it sounds like she's emasculated you in several ways. Start to try and regain your confidence. When you catch yourself putting yourself down, stop yourself in mid-thought. Make a conscious effort to think of yourself in positive ways.

3. Take control, not of her... but of the situation. You can control your own actions, but you cannot truly control hers. If she is not communicating with you and not providing you with physical affection, then you cannot force her to do those things. However, you can recognize the situation and make conscious choices. Tell her your problems and what you need in the relationship. If she is unable to provide that, then you have to make a choice - do you stay in the relationship or do you go?

 

[Pinkneonsocks]

I hate to jump to conclusions and assume that she has cheated. Perhaps there are personal issues she's facing that don't allow her to be intimate.

Perhaps things that may have happened to her as a child. Things she may have forgotten and are now resurfacing.

Maybe suggest not only couples therapy but therapy for her. There's obviously something going on and she may need to work through it without you.

However, if she's unwilling to address these issues and work on the marriage (sex is a very important part of marriage in my opinion) then you must address the issue that the marriage is not meant to be between you two.

I'm sorry you're being put through this and wish you luck.

 

[wxstang2]

Thanks for all of the help, your comments are helpful and it's nice to get a variety of different opinions. Over the last few weeks I've had a few discussions with my wife and most of them seem to be good. The one thing that she keeps saying is that she feels like I am waiting for her to decide that everything is OK, and then we'll have sex again. What she wants is for me to "turn her on", ie: make her want to have sex with me, rather than just having sex because she feels like she has to. I understand that feeling, but I dont have the slightest clue on how to do that... I mean all I can be is myself right? Either she's attracted to me or she isn't right? I'm willing to try anything in the bedroom, and I've asked her if she could give me an idea of things that I should try or things that turn her on. All she told me was that she thought I should know what to do.... that turning her on is "my job".

Part of me thinks that she's just playing with me, lying to me and cheating on me behind my back. The other part of me wants to figure out how to turn her on.

 

[irishwoody]

wxstang2; Im Sorry to hear your situation. In your situation I would advise that you both need to have a long (none threatening) talk about the issues you have. I cant see how anyone could stay long term in a sexless marriage and think that a lack of physical tenderness etc. is a sign of something wrong. There is an issue underneath which needs addressing or bringing out into the light. I would advise appraoching your wife to discuss what it is that you both want and need from your relationship and to see if it can be put back on the tracks. If your wife is honest she will tell you - and you must be honest too. Only then can you either solve the issue to your mutual satisfaction. good luck