Stars and Stripes

[Slut_boy]

Okay, just a little while ago I played my hand at being and "anti-american" troll. It wasn't very funny - mostly because the majority of readers were American. But if you thought that joke (ironically a 'not so subtle one') was bad - then check out e-mail that someone in London sent to me this morning .........



Are You American?

1.You decide that the relationship with your partner
is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a)Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b)Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c)Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.


2.You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.What do you need to take?
(a)A ball
(b)A ball and 2 coats
(c)A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.


3.You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a)Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b)Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not,that it died quickly
(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive
home hollering,whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.


4.You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after
sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a)Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b)Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c)Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.


5.What do you have for breakfast?
(a)A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b)Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c)A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten
waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.


6.You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a)A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b)A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c)A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed
as Elvis.


7.Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do
you do?
(a)Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b)Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c)Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.


8.You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a)A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b)A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c)A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.


9.Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a)Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b)Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c)Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.


10.There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a)Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
(b)Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
(c)Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take
over the talks.


11.There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
(a)Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b)Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c)Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.


13.You're on holiday abroad, do you:
(a)Enjoy the local culture and food
(b)Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c)Complain and whinge that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home.

Answers...
If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well balanced individual. If you answered mostly ©'s then sorry, you are an American.

 

[Slut_boy]

Oh, yes, and if there are any complaints about the humurous quality of that post then all Monty Python fans will understand me asking that they be addressed to:

British Airways
Ingrams Drive
Greenwich

 

[Silverlily]

(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering,whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

Americans don't have bonnets, we have hoods. Only a girl would say bonnet.

And you whoop before you holler.

 

[Unclebill]

Good Shots!

Hi, SB. With the exception of 8 (which went completely over my head), somebody has definitely done their homework as far as watching American TV and following some of the worst representatives of our nation.

However, as Kitten Eyes noted, they should endeavor to at least use the correct American jargon. It does lose some of the effect if it has to be translated back into Americanese!

I appreciate sarcastic humor when it has a point and the point here is well honed, indeed!

P. S. I keep telling myself those who appear on Jerry Springer, Jenny jones, etc. must have immigrated just to be on TV. They couldn't have been born and raised here. Oh, well, hope springs eternal. Maybe one day I'll convince myself.

 

[Softly]

We are nasty

We subject people to nasty things like the Marshall Plan, too. Oh, and shall we forget Lend lease.Nasty us, we mind everybody's business, like South Korea.

 

[Magic Merlin]

LOL

Touche' Slutboy...

 

[BrainyBeauty]

Eat my panties you little slut_girl.

Oh wait. That isn't a very nice way of introducing myself is it?

Take two...ahem...Monsieur, le Slut_Boy, I am pleased to meet you. While I am newly registered and just started making posts this week, I have been a long time..shall we say 'browser' or 'window shopper' (lurker sounds too much like a stalker and all the negative connotations associated with that) I have enjoyed reading not only your silly little flirty threads but your engaging, thoughtful and articulate discourses as well.

And you ain't half bad as a joke teller either!

 

[Slut_boy]

Hey BrainyBeauty,

Thanks for the personal note - any girl that can say "slut_boy" and "panties" in one breath is a friend of mine. And so, from my side - welcome baby *kiss*

 

[Oliver Clozoff]

Yep, Softly. Definitely nasty.

We subject people to nasty things like the Marshall Plan, too. Oh, and shall we forget Lend lease.Nasty us, we mind everybody's business, like South Korea.

We truly should be ashamed of ourselves. It's a good thing we have the South Africans to lecture us on the proper way for a nation to conduct itself. After all, weren't they the last in the world in to hold out against the terrible trend of instiutionalized desegregation? Decades after the rest of the world! That's the resolve we need to emulate!

And their public health system is truly a wonder to behold. Boldly resisting the trend throughout the world of actually saving lives, they've got a fantastic plan to prevent overpopulation by allowing people to die of AIDS faster than people are born to replace them! That's right, they're one of the elite handful of countries since the Plague in the 13th century to actually be losing population. This is not an easy task, since they have one of the highest birth rates in the industrialized world. If things continue this way, they may not be around much longer to tell us how superior they are.

And what we would do then?

I'd go on, but I have to go finish my 100% triglyceride breakfast, whoop, holler, litter, and beat my girlfriend with a chair.



[Edited by Oliver Clozoff on 10-07-2000 at 11:08 AM]

 

[Cheri]

Vaguely resembling that remark....

Oh Slut_boy, you hang out with the snobby jealous countries. Check out India, most of Africa, Canada, Mexico, most of Asia and a whole raft of little Islands cause there we're gods baby!

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Yep, Softly. Definitely nasty.

We truly should be ashamed of ourselves. It's a good thing we have the South Africans to lecture us on the proper way for a nation to conduct itself.

[/B]

Hey, Oliver. I think Slut-boy said it was a "bad" joke when he introduced it, and that it came from someone in London. I don't think he was seriously insulting America compared to South Africa.

And you have to admit, some of the answers rang true for the lowest level of American behaviour. Granted, most of us would answer "a" and "b" but there are a few Americans who would answer "c" and be perfectly serious!

 

[forgetunome]

Joke from London, eh...

...Figures they're still sore for losing the war way back when. LOL! And why did they lose? Because they fought like sissies lined up in their pretty red jackets all in a neat straight row. Easy targets.

 

[Nogard]

I am curious. The only thing that Americans have ever done is to try and help all people of the world. Actually to the detriment of our own citizens. We have people, including children, starving in America but reguardless we try to help other countries. We ask no thanks, we send our military to die and be maimed and wounded only to help others. We send obsene amounts of cash so others may hire their relatives and steal from their citizens. We ask for nothing. No thank you, no nothing. However everyone thinks we should be ashamed for helping. My greatest wish is we never send one penny of our money or risk one more of our young peoples life to protect others. Let's see how the world does on its own. Slut Boy, I am ashamed of you. Try it own your own for awhile.

 

[Slut_boy]

No, no, no Nogard and Oliver. I wasn't trying at all to insult any of you. Cheyenne has given my reason for the post.

Oliver,I think that it is sometimes helpful to recognize our own limitations and shortcomings - until we recognize them we can't overcome them. I know how patriotic most Americans are and I am sensitive to that. You are also right about my own country Oliver - it is full of mistakes and has the notorious reputation for fucking up time and time again. But if we weren't able to recognize those mistakes then we would be repeating them all over again (in ignorant bliss). We see them, we deal with them if we can, and we even laugh at them (and at ourselves) if our mistakes are funny.

That takes a certain amount of maturity and confidence though. Thanks Bill for your comments, its good to see you again.