Star Whores

[Guest]

Hey everybody. I don't know how many of you here has checked out my story, but, the point of this message is this. Can someone (more than one preferably) help work on the story and storylines?

 

[jakelyon]

Love Star Wars

I gave your story a read and will try to write a thread for it. I am a huge Starwars fan so this should be fun.

Question for you on the story, the "About Star Whores" section you specify 1st person for the POV. Yet the first couple of threads seem to be third person. Which do you prefer?

I am posting this in public because it might be good for other writers to see also.

 

[Guest]

Yeah, I realized that afterwards. Just continue writing the way I have been writing it.

Oh, and thanks for taking the time to check it out and wanting to write a thread or few for it.

 

[Guest]

When are you going to do the thread?

 

[bungakawa2000]

Just a suggestion, 'Unregistered'... I think it'd be good if you'd log-in before posting. Makes it much easier to know who we're talking to.

Bunga

 

[bungakawa2000]

Hey there!

I just read your story (put a link in the message next time ), and I'm considering adding to it, but in the meantime, I thought I'd give you some general feedback on it.

All in all, it is a good start, but I think you often try to say "too much" with too little words. Here's an example...

Princess Leia decided to go to a nearby cantina. She got off her bed. She then got dressed in a black dress and high heels. Leia looked at herself in a mirror. "36 and still looking hot," Leia said to herself. With that, Leia left and started walking towards the nearby cantina.

While Leia was walking, a man slowed down and pulled next to her. "Hey, are you a streetwalker?" the man asked. Leia looked at him, and strangely, found that he was very handsome.

"A street walker?" Leia asked.

"Yeah," the man said. "You know, a hooker. I'll pay you well if you are and do everything I want."

Leia thought about her situation.

Wooha!!! Hold on! A lot of things here!

Why limit yourself at saying "she puts on a black dress and looks hot"? What is hot about it? Is it her attitude? Is the dress short, long, with a nice décolleté (dunno the word in English, sorry...)? Is it shiny or dull? Tight or ample? All in all, what does Leia look like with that dress on?

Then, on the street... Where is the "Star Wars" feeling to the city? Little details, like "While Leia was walking, a vehicle pulled next to her and slowed down, its reactors emitting a low, howling sound as it sent hot air gushing around Leia's ankles." There, you have Leia, the vehicle, and you make clear it isn't just a car or whatnot.

After that, you say she "strangely" find him attractive... Strangely? Why strangely? Does she totally ignore men usually? Has the man some kind of very strong magnetism, maybe hinting at some power over the Force?! (Sex Jedi? Hey, why not...)

Anyway, just some random thoughts that came to mind as I read... Don't be afraid to expand a little, it would greatly contribute at creating a unique feel to your story.

Bunga

 

[Guest]

About the "Star Wars" feel of the city. I can explain that one. I couldn't remember the exact wording for the things (hate it when that happens) I wanted to describe, so I had to do the best I could. I haven't seen the movies in a while and they're packed up somewhere.

The "strangely" part. Well, in the books, if you've read any of the ones from the Thrawn trilogy on, her and Han are married; which is when the story is taking place. So, in fact, I did have in mind that she doesn't usually notice other men in that manner.