Silverluna
That's Professor to You!
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2001
- Posts
- 8,195
hilarious...but sadly its not accurate....so don't be surprised...
"Master, are you done shaving yet?" Obi-Wan
complained for the hundredth time as he sat, arms and
legs crossed, outside the bathroom door, his brown
Jedi robe pooling beneath him.
"Patience, young Padawan," came Qui-Gon's voice.
There was the quiet tap of a razor on porcelain and
Obi-Wan let out a groan.
"Master, you've been in there for three hours!" he
cried.
"Well, there's two hours left in the flight," Qui-Gon
shot back through the bathroom door.
"Yes, and I don't want to smell like a Hutt when we
get back to Coruscant!"
"Why? You have some date waiting for you on
Coruscant?" Qui-Gon laughed. Obi-Wan crossed his arms.
"As a matter of fact," he began to mutter. He was cut
off by a loud, blood-curdling scream from...the
bathroom?
"OBI-WAN! SOMETHING GOT IN HERE! QUICK!" came
Qui-Gon's shouts. Summoning his lightsaber to his hand
through the Force and activating it, he kicked down
the door and stormed in.
Qui-Gon was standing on top of the refresher
unit, kicking wildly at a teenage girl in bizarre
clothing.
"KILL IT OBI-WAN! KILL IT!" the Jedi Master screamed.
"But Master, whatever happened to that whole 'do not
unnecessarily spill blood' deal?"
"DAMMIT OBI-WAN, KILL IT!"
"Okay." Obi-Wan raised his saber high over his head
for a killing blow.
Then the little creature retreated to a corner and
began whimpering. Obi-Wan pointed his saber at it to
keep it from going anywhere.
"What IS this thing, Master?" he asked in disgust.
Qui-Gon peered closely at it for a moment before he
began to pale and shake. "Are you having another
spastic attack of indigestion, Master?" Obi-Wan asked
impatiently.
"Obi-Wan, this is a soldier of the Fangirl Imperium,"
Qui-Gon said in a melodramatically grave voice.
"Okay, should I be scared or what?" the
Padawan asked. Qui-Gon let out a gasp.
"Obi-Wan, the Fangirl Imperium is a ruthless,
bloodthirsty, sardonic, malicious, malevolent, evil,
vile, wicked, sadistic, sinful, immoral, wrathful,
sinister-"
"Okay, so it's evil, what's so ruthless,
bloodthirsty, etcetera about it?" Obi-Wan groaned,
cutting his master off from his listing of synonyms
for evil.
"They capture men like us and drag us there for the
sole purpose of torturing us," Qui-Gon said quietly.
Obi-Wan made a face.
"Ewwww."
"One Jedi Knight, I think his name was Bob or Dave or
something, actually escaped the Fangirl Imperium.
Republic medics encountered on his body strange,
unknown, wet, red marks. Master Windu even had a brush
with the Fangirl Imperium, although he was never
actually captured. And I had to land a ship on top of
a platoon of Fangirls so I could save my master, Count
Dooku." Qui-Gon paused. "Maybe I should've left him
with the Fangirls. Anyways, these Fangirls are
dangerous."
"Um, exactly how do they torture those they
capture?" Obi-Wan asked, expecting to hear about
sadistic chemical injections, bodily carving, and
sonic assaults.
"I have heard that they tie their captives up by the
hands and feet and do horrible things to...Oh, just
think about it." Qui-Gon picked his fallen razor back
up. "Now then, I have some shaving to continue doing."
Obi-Wan put his hands on his hips.
"Master, if you don't hurry up, I'll disassemble your
lightsaber and hide all the pieces again! And what're
we going to do about this Fangirl that's cowering in
the corner?"
"Throw it out the airlock. Fangirls are
indestructible." Obi-Wan picked the Fangirl up by the
scruff of her neck and took it over to the airlock,
tossing it out into space.
"Now hurry up or you'll have to play Scavenger Hunt
to reassemble your lightsaber!" Obi-Wan complained.
"Why don't you meditate on some deep, troubling
question?" Qui-Gon suggested. Obi-Wan scowled.
"Very well Master, I'll meditate on the best
way to disassemble your lightsaber for this. Should I
just throw it against a wall until it breaks or drop
big rocks on it?"
"You're a disrespectful little piece of bantha
fodder, aren't you?" Qui-Gon grumbled. But little did
Qui-Gon know that Obi-Wan was branded a bishonen, and
therefore had higher-than-human senses (among other
things).
"I heard that!" Obi-Wan shouted. "Well, your life is
one big identity crisis! You drive a convertible
speeder with sunglasses! You play games in the arcade,
not to mention you suck horribly at them, and you
always try to pick up on girls half your age!"
"I DO NOT! OW!" Qui-Gon roared, right before nicking
himself with the razor.
This is why Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan went on their
missions alone.
As the cruiser containing two bickering Jedi
roared through space, a Trade Federation battleship
followed. It projected a tractor beam, drawing the
Jedi cruiser into one of the hangars, and a phalanx of
toughened Battle Droids marched in.
They had to kick the two bickering Jedi in the shins
to get their attention. After thankfully letting
Qui-Gon dress, the two prisoners were taken to the
bridge.
"You really are cowards," Obi-Wan sneered when he was
brought before the Viceroy of the Trade Federation,
Nute Gunray. Gunray shrank back as a rather imposing
shadow was cast upon him...
...By a five-foot-three teenage girl with long brown
hair and brown eyes. She laughed. Qui-Gon paled.
"Obi-Wan, it's the Empress of the Fangirl Imperium!"
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow.
"You'd think she'd be...taller."
"We have brought them before you, Empress Chelsea,"
Gunray began slowly. "May we discuss my payment now?"
"Go to my quarters. We'll talk there," the Empress
said, waving her hand. Two previously unseen Fangirls
led him away. The Empress returned her attention to
the captive Jedi. She slowly walked across the bridge
deck towards them...
...And promptly latched onto Obi-Wan.
"OH GOODY IT'S YOU OBI-WAN I LOVE YOU YOU'RE SO COOL
AND CUTE AND HOT AND CUTE AND CUTE AND CUTE AND CUTE
AND CUTE I LOVE YOU WILL YOU MARRY ME OH PLEASE OH
PLEASE OH PLEASE!"
"Master, is this that sonic torture thing you were
talking about?" Obi-Wan groaned.
The Battle Droids and Destroyer Droids lining the
bridge all looked at each other as if to say "What the
hell?" in only the way Battle Droids and Destroyer
Droids can.
This went on for a while, until one of the Fangirls
came in and said something quickly and incoherently to
the Fangirl Empress. Then they both bounced off,
confusing the two captive Jedi even more.
"So what will happen to us?" Obi-Wan asked one of his
Droid captors as they were taken along the long route
to the cellblocks.
"You will become slaves to two young members of the
Fangirl Imperium."
"WHAT!" Qui-Gon screamed.
"I am not programmed to feel any more sorry for you,"
the Battle Droid responded. Obi-Wan groaned and his
head drooped.
"If we have Battle Droids feeling sorry for us, we
really are screwed.
"Crazy are you?" Master Yoda screamed when
Mace Windu suggested trying to rescue Qui-Gon and
Obi-Wan. "Not going there is I! Sooner I would watch
children's programming! Sooner grocery shopping with
that Binks character I would go!" the diminutive Jedi
Master sputtered. Windu cringed: he had done that
once. And did not want to do it again.
"But Master Yoda, we have to find them! I mean, you
can't just leave two Jedi Knights in the hands of the
Fangirl Imperium!" Ki-Adi-Mundi sputtered.
"A damn, watch me give!" Yoda snapped. Ki-Adi decided
to shut up.
"Master, at the very least, they have a lot of
credits on them! If we rescue them they owe us big!"
Windu reasoned. Yoda stroked his wrinkly green chin.
"Hmmm, a valid point you have...truckloads of money
they do possess. Mount a rescue mission we shall," the
diminutive Master concurred.
"That's the spirit!" Windu added encouragingly.
"But recover their wallets, top priority it is!" Yoda
added.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had a bizarre cell: it had
two very nice beds, a bathroom, and a closet. They
both concluded one thing upon seeing these amenities.
"They wish to truly torture us."
They decided to catch what few moments of rest they
could before they tried their escape.
Meanwhile, their new dooms were approaching.
"These are our dooms?" Obi-Wan snorted.
"That's what they look like," Qui-Gon groaned. "Is
this where we collapse and beg for mercy?"
"I think I'm going to just because they're grating my
eardrums..."
"OHMYGODTHEY'RELIKESOHOTWHICHONEAREYOUGONNACHOOSEOOHTHEY'RESOCUTEWHAT'REYOUGONNADOWITHYOURS?"
sums up what the rather excited Megan and Samantha
cried to each other, hopping up and down and squealing
incoherently in their frenzy.
"In the words of a famous droid, we're doomed,"
Qui-Gon moaned.
Samantha lunged for Obi-Wan and Megan dove for
Qui-Gon. The cramped confines of the cell offered
little chance of escape, and soon the two Jedi were
each pinned to a bed by an "excited" Fangirl.
"Gimme some sugar," Samantha cooed into a frightened
Obi-Wan's ear.
"Um, I'm sorry, I don't think I have any sugar left
to spare!" Obi-Wan responded quickly. Samantha
laughed.
"I'll find it myself then," she said with a wink.
The Battle Droids standing guard at the cell,
who at one point were busy with a copy of Playdroid
and shouting things like "Wow, look at the restraining
bolt on THAT one!", were now bored and listening to
the rhythmic pounding and screaming coming from the
cell.
"What are they doing in there?" one of the Battle
Droids asked. The other Battle Droid simply buried its
face in one mechanized hand.
"What do they appear to be doing?" that Droid asked.
"I think they're making a mess," a third Droid
answered.
"Then be thankful we're not the janitorial crew," the
first snapped.
All three Droids shuddered at the thought of THAT. A
Janitorial Battle Droid, with pink markings on it
(thus bringing lots of disgrace and shame, and little
honor, to the Janitorial Battle Droids), passed by
that moment, and the three guards all looked down on
it with pity.
"What?" it asked.
"Do you know what they're doing in there?" the
first Droid asked. The Janitor paused.
"No, do I want to know what they're doing in there?"
it asked.
"Only if you're assigned to clean it all up," the
second Droid remarked, having finished cleaning the
stuff from its face.
They were all interrupted when one of the captives,
the one with the braid, threw himself against the door
begging for mercy. A clearly female's arm snaked out
to grab his shoulder, and he screamed like a dying man
and begged for the Battle Droids to save him.
The Droids watched with pity as he disappeared back
beneath the veil of one of the beds. A frightening
silhouette could still be seen. The Droids turned away
lest their memories be corrupted forever.
Obi-Wan felt as if hell had just stomped on
top of him repeatedly. He groaned and looked down at
the psychotic, perverted Fangirl sprawled across him.
Hmmm, hell HAD just stomped on top of him repeatedly.
He shifted his position and pulled away the bed's veil
(the Battle Droids insisted that these be installed
lest their memories be corrupted) just enough to poke
out his head. Qui-Gon was already halfway out of the
bed, and not daring to go any farther. He was now
halfway sprawled on the floor, blowing spit bubbles on
his tongue.
"Was it that bad?" Obi-Wan tried to chuckle, but
instead letting out a hiss of pain. Qui-Gon muttered a
few Corellian curses under his breath. "I tried to get
the Battle Droids to help us, but they just gave us
these pitying looks." Qui-Gon groaned and resumed
blowing spit bubbles on his tongue.
Obi-Wan decided to join him. A remarkably large
bubble rose onto his tongue and he laughed.
"Ey! Ook at LAT!" he taunted. Qui-Gon scowled and
crawled back behind the veil.
Morning apparently broke, because the Fangirls
stirred and dragged their new toys up too. After
dressing them and making one of the Battle Droids get
breakfast, they decided to wake themselves up fully by
taking a shower.
"You mean you wanna take a shower at one time, all
four of us?" Qui-Gon choked. Megan and Samantha nodded
deviously.
"Oh hell no!" Obi-Wan shouted, backing away to the
corner. "I already had hell stomping all over me last
night!" Qui-Gon broke into a cold sweat.
Trapped in a shower with two psychotic Fangirls and a
terrified Padawan did not sound fun.
"You'll never get me in there with anyone! NEVER!"
Obi-Wan screamed defiantly, shaking his fist.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE! IT'S COLD! IT'S WET! IT'S
SO GODDAMN DRAFTY! I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY OF THIS! I
ALREADY HAD TO SEE TOO MUCH LAST NIGHT!" came
Obi-Wan's outraged cries. Qui-Gon groaned and
repeatedly hit his head against the tiled shower wall.
Maybe he would get lucky and crack his skull,
therefore being put out of his misery. Megan dragged
him away from the tiles and back into her arms to
smother him with wet kisses. Qui-Gon let out a squeak
of terror.
Wait, Obi-Wan should've been bitching up a storm, but
he wasn't. Then Qui-Gon saw why; Samantha had found an
unorthodox way to silence him. He repressed the urge
to hurl.
Of course, he still had yet to figure out what he had
done to deserve this in the first place.
After the mortifying shower, the two Jedi were
redressed and dragged out of their cell for some
exercise. At least, that's what Megan and Samantha
called it. Obi-Wan didn't want to leave the cell,
saying that if he was gonna die, he should at least
die in peace. Of course, the perverted Samantha
wouldn't have it and dragged him out by the belt.
However, since the Battle Droids had failed to
do any cavity searches, Qui-Gon had one last trick up
his big, roomy sleeve. He pulled out of his pocket a
Popsicle stick! Megan watched the small piece of wood
with interest.
"Ooh," she cooed happily, reaching for the wooden
creation. Qui-Gon motioned to Obi-Wan, who drew his
Popsicle stick, and they both threw the Popsicle
sticks as far down the hall as they could. The two
Fangirls could not resist and lunged after the flying
pieces of wood.
The window of opportunity had never been left
so wide open. The two Jedi took off headlong down the
hall in the opposite direction. However, the two
Fangirls soon realized that their prey had escaped,
and within minutes, the alarm was sounded.
"Attention all crew: two totally hot Jedi are on the
loose! If you see 'em, do what you want with 'em,
hehehe! Just don't damage 'em, over and out! Hehehe!"
A large Republic battlecruiser roared
through space to intercept the Trade Federation
battleship on its way to the Fangirl Empire. The
battlecruiser pulled alongside the battleship and a
swarm of fighters streamed out. The battlecruiser
opened fire on the Trade Federation ship, punching
large holes in the hull.
A small docking shuttle put down in the landing bay.
Out stormed a complement of Clone Troopers and a group
of Jedi Knights.
"We have to find Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon!" Windu shouted
to the Clone Troopers, who began to fan out among the
hangar.
"And their wallets bring me back, or all of your
asses kick I shall!" Yoda added irritably. Windu
sighed.
"Yes Master Yoda, we'll find their wallets too." He
ignited his girly purple lightsaber and ran off into
the ship.
The two Jedi now hid in one of the shower
rooms.
"We can use the steam from the showers to our
advantage," Qui-Gon whispered, ducking behind a locker
row as a towel-clad Fangirl passed by. "You know how
long girls take in the shower."
"Yeah, as long as you," Obi-Wan agreed. Qui-Gon
scowled.
"I'll ignore that. But come on, when the showers go
on we can make a move for the ventilation system. And
whatever you do, don't stop to grope any Fangirls."
"Are you kidding? They'd grope back!" Obi-Wan hissed.
The steam rolled out over them, and they dove
forward, weaving between Fangirls and diving through
the steam.
Eventually, after leaping through several showers in
progress, they came across the vents and dove in
before the Fangirls realized that the two Jedi they
wanted had just gone through their mist. (Hahaha funny
word plays laugh dammit!)
Windu had searched all the areas of the ship
except the Showers, as he dared not go there and
several Clone Troopers had been lost there, and he had
found only Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's Jedi Popsicle Sticks
and wallets, which were promptly delivered to Yoda.
While Yoda counted how many credits richer he now was,
Windu slumped down on the shuttle ramp and sighted,
blowing spit bubbles on his tongue in depression.
Then he heard two Jedi gracefully collapse out of an
air duct. He rushed over to them.
"Qui-Gon! Obi-Wan!" he cried happily. The two Jedi
threw themselves at his feet and cried.
"Get us out of here!" they both wailed. Windu
unlatched them from his legs and led them to the
shuttle. Once everyone was aboard, the shuttle lifted
off and made tracks in space.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon did not recover from
their traumatic ordeal on that ship, although they
both did go on to marry some random hot female Jedi.
Because they were so powerful and destructive to a
Jedi's psyche, Master Skywalker of Yavin IV's Jedi
Academy soon decided to try to annihilate this threat.
Of course, we all know Luke is a few starships short
of a fleet.
As for the Fangirl Imperium, it lies in wait in the
shadows, just waiting for the perfect chance to strike
and abduct more Jedi...
"Master, are you done shaving yet?" Obi-Wan
complained for the hundredth time as he sat, arms and
legs crossed, outside the bathroom door, his brown
Jedi robe pooling beneath him.
"Patience, young Padawan," came Qui-Gon's voice.
There was the quiet tap of a razor on porcelain and
Obi-Wan let out a groan.
"Master, you've been in there for three hours!" he
cried.
"Well, there's two hours left in the flight," Qui-Gon
shot back through the bathroom door.
"Yes, and I don't want to smell like a Hutt when we
get back to Coruscant!"
"Why? You have some date waiting for you on
Coruscant?" Qui-Gon laughed. Obi-Wan crossed his arms.
"As a matter of fact," he began to mutter. He was cut
off by a loud, blood-curdling scream from...the
bathroom?
"OBI-WAN! SOMETHING GOT IN HERE! QUICK!" came
Qui-Gon's shouts. Summoning his lightsaber to his hand
through the Force and activating it, he kicked down
the door and stormed in.
Qui-Gon was standing on top of the refresher
unit, kicking wildly at a teenage girl in bizarre
clothing.
"KILL IT OBI-WAN! KILL IT!" the Jedi Master screamed.
"But Master, whatever happened to that whole 'do not
unnecessarily spill blood' deal?"
"DAMMIT OBI-WAN, KILL IT!"
"Okay." Obi-Wan raised his saber high over his head
for a killing blow.
Then the little creature retreated to a corner and
began whimpering. Obi-Wan pointed his saber at it to
keep it from going anywhere.
"What IS this thing, Master?" he asked in disgust.
Qui-Gon peered closely at it for a moment before he
began to pale and shake. "Are you having another
spastic attack of indigestion, Master?" Obi-Wan asked
impatiently.
"Obi-Wan, this is a soldier of the Fangirl Imperium,"
Qui-Gon said in a melodramatically grave voice.
"Okay, should I be scared or what?" the
Padawan asked. Qui-Gon let out a gasp.
"Obi-Wan, the Fangirl Imperium is a ruthless,
bloodthirsty, sardonic, malicious, malevolent, evil,
vile, wicked, sadistic, sinful, immoral, wrathful,
sinister-"
"Okay, so it's evil, what's so ruthless,
bloodthirsty, etcetera about it?" Obi-Wan groaned,
cutting his master off from his listing of synonyms
for evil.
"They capture men like us and drag us there for the
sole purpose of torturing us," Qui-Gon said quietly.
Obi-Wan made a face.
"Ewwww."
"One Jedi Knight, I think his name was Bob or Dave or
something, actually escaped the Fangirl Imperium.
Republic medics encountered on his body strange,
unknown, wet, red marks. Master Windu even had a brush
with the Fangirl Imperium, although he was never
actually captured. And I had to land a ship on top of
a platoon of Fangirls so I could save my master, Count
Dooku." Qui-Gon paused. "Maybe I should've left him
with the Fangirls. Anyways, these Fangirls are
dangerous."
"Um, exactly how do they torture those they
capture?" Obi-Wan asked, expecting to hear about
sadistic chemical injections, bodily carving, and
sonic assaults.
"I have heard that they tie their captives up by the
hands and feet and do horrible things to...Oh, just
think about it." Qui-Gon picked his fallen razor back
up. "Now then, I have some shaving to continue doing."
Obi-Wan put his hands on his hips.
"Master, if you don't hurry up, I'll disassemble your
lightsaber and hide all the pieces again! And what're
we going to do about this Fangirl that's cowering in
the corner?"
"Throw it out the airlock. Fangirls are
indestructible." Obi-Wan picked the Fangirl up by the
scruff of her neck and took it over to the airlock,
tossing it out into space.
"Now hurry up or you'll have to play Scavenger Hunt
to reassemble your lightsaber!" Obi-Wan complained.
"Why don't you meditate on some deep, troubling
question?" Qui-Gon suggested. Obi-Wan scowled.
"Very well Master, I'll meditate on the best
way to disassemble your lightsaber for this. Should I
just throw it against a wall until it breaks or drop
big rocks on it?"
"You're a disrespectful little piece of bantha
fodder, aren't you?" Qui-Gon grumbled. But little did
Qui-Gon know that Obi-Wan was branded a bishonen, and
therefore had higher-than-human senses (among other
things).
"I heard that!" Obi-Wan shouted. "Well, your life is
one big identity crisis! You drive a convertible
speeder with sunglasses! You play games in the arcade,
not to mention you suck horribly at them, and you
always try to pick up on girls half your age!"
"I DO NOT! OW!" Qui-Gon roared, right before nicking
himself with the razor.
This is why Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan went on their
missions alone.
As the cruiser containing two bickering Jedi
roared through space, a Trade Federation battleship
followed. It projected a tractor beam, drawing the
Jedi cruiser into one of the hangars, and a phalanx of
toughened Battle Droids marched in.
They had to kick the two bickering Jedi in the shins
to get their attention. After thankfully letting
Qui-Gon dress, the two prisoners were taken to the
bridge.
"You really are cowards," Obi-Wan sneered when he was
brought before the Viceroy of the Trade Federation,
Nute Gunray. Gunray shrank back as a rather imposing
shadow was cast upon him...
...By a five-foot-three teenage girl with long brown
hair and brown eyes. She laughed. Qui-Gon paled.
"Obi-Wan, it's the Empress of the Fangirl Imperium!"
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow.
"You'd think she'd be...taller."
"We have brought them before you, Empress Chelsea,"
Gunray began slowly. "May we discuss my payment now?"
"Go to my quarters. We'll talk there," the Empress
said, waving her hand. Two previously unseen Fangirls
led him away. The Empress returned her attention to
the captive Jedi. She slowly walked across the bridge
deck towards them...
...And promptly latched onto Obi-Wan.
"OH GOODY IT'S YOU OBI-WAN I LOVE YOU YOU'RE SO COOL
AND CUTE AND HOT AND CUTE AND CUTE AND CUTE AND CUTE
AND CUTE I LOVE YOU WILL YOU MARRY ME OH PLEASE OH
PLEASE OH PLEASE!"
"Master, is this that sonic torture thing you were
talking about?" Obi-Wan groaned.
The Battle Droids and Destroyer Droids lining the
bridge all looked at each other as if to say "What the
hell?" in only the way Battle Droids and Destroyer
Droids can.
This went on for a while, until one of the Fangirls
came in and said something quickly and incoherently to
the Fangirl Empress. Then they both bounced off,
confusing the two captive Jedi even more.
"So what will happen to us?" Obi-Wan asked one of his
Droid captors as they were taken along the long route
to the cellblocks.
"You will become slaves to two young members of the
Fangirl Imperium."
"WHAT!" Qui-Gon screamed.
"I am not programmed to feel any more sorry for you,"
the Battle Droid responded. Obi-Wan groaned and his
head drooped.
"If we have Battle Droids feeling sorry for us, we
really are screwed.
"Crazy are you?" Master Yoda screamed when
Mace Windu suggested trying to rescue Qui-Gon and
Obi-Wan. "Not going there is I! Sooner I would watch
children's programming! Sooner grocery shopping with
that Binks character I would go!" the diminutive Jedi
Master sputtered. Windu cringed: he had done that
once. And did not want to do it again.
"But Master Yoda, we have to find them! I mean, you
can't just leave two Jedi Knights in the hands of the
Fangirl Imperium!" Ki-Adi-Mundi sputtered.
"A damn, watch me give!" Yoda snapped. Ki-Adi decided
to shut up.
"Master, at the very least, they have a lot of
credits on them! If we rescue them they owe us big!"
Windu reasoned. Yoda stroked his wrinkly green chin.
"Hmmm, a valid point you have...truckloads of money
they do possess. Mount a rescue mission we shall," the
diminutive Master concurred.
"That's the spirit!" Windu added encouragingly.
"But recover their wallets, top priority it is!" Yoda
added.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had a bizarre cell: it had
two very nice beds, a bathroom, and a closet. They
both concluded one thing upon seeing these amenities.
"They wish to truly torture us."
They decided to catch what few moments of rest they
could before they tried their escape.
Meanwhile, their new dooms were approaching.
"These are our dooms?" Obi-Wan snorted.
"That's what they look like," Qui-Gon groaned. "Is
this where we collapse and beg for mercy?"
"I think I'm going to just because they're grating my
eardrums..."
"OHMYGODTHEY'RELIKESOHOTWHICHONEAREYOUGONNACHOOSEOOHTHEY'RESOCUTEWHAT'REYOUGONNADOWITHYOURS?"
sums up what the rather excited Megan and Samantha
cried to each other, hopping up and down and squealing
incoherently in their frenzy.
"In the words of a famous droid, we're doomed,"
Qui-Gon moaned.
Samantha lunged for Obi-Wan and Megan dove for
Qui-Gon. The cramped confines of the cell offered
little chance of escape, and soon the two Jedi were
each pinned to a bed by an "excited" Fangirl.
"Gimme some sugar," Samantha cooed into a frightened
Obi-Wan's ear.
"Um, I'm sorry, I don't think I have any sugar left
to spare!" Obi-Wan responded quickly. Samantha
laughed.
"I'll find it myself then," she said with a wink.
The Battle Droids standing guard at the cell,
who at one point were busy with a copy of Playdroid
and shouting things like "Wow, look at the restraining
bolt on THAT one!", were now bored and listening to
the rhythmic pounding and screaming coming from the
cell.
"What are they doing in there?" one of the Battle
Droids asked. The other Battle Droid simply buried its
face in one mechanized hand.
"What do they appear to be doing?" that Droid asked.
"I think they're making a mess," a third Droid
answered.
"Then be thankful we're not the janitorial crew," the
first snapped.
All three Droids shuddered at the thought of THAT. A
Janitorial Battle Droid, with pink markings on it
(thus bringing lots of disgrace and shame, and little
honor, to the Janitorial Battle Droids), passed by
that moment, and the three guards all looked down on
it with pity.
"What?" it asked.
"Do you know what they're doing in there?" the
first Droid asked. The Janitor paused.
"No, do I want to know what they're doing in there?"
it asked.
"Only if you're assigned to clean it all up," the
second Droid remarked, having finished cleaning the
stuff from its face.
They were all interrupted when one of the captives,
the one with the braid, threw himself against the door
begging for mercy. A clearly female's arm snaked out
to grab his shoulder, and he screamed like a dying man
and begged for the Battle Droids to save him.
The Droids watched with pity as he disappeared back
beneath the veil of one of the beds. A frightening
silhouette could still be seen. The Droids turned away
lest their memories be corrupted forever.
Obi-Wan felt as if hell had just stomped on
top of him repeatedly. He groaned and looked down at
the psychotic, perverted Fangirl sprawled across him.
Hmmm, hell HAD just stomped on top of him repeatedly.
He shifted his position and pulled away the bed's veil
(the Battle Droids insisted that these be installed
lest their memories be corrupted) just enough to poke
out his head. Qui-Gon was already halfway out of the
bed, and not daring to go any farther. He was now
halfway sprawled on the floor, blowing spit bubbles on
his tongue.
"Was it that bad?" Obi-Wan tried to chuckle, but
instead letting out a hiss of pain. Qui-Gon muttered a
few Corellian curses under his breath. "I tried to get
the Battle Droids to help us, but they just gave us
these pitying looks." Qui-Gon groaned and resumed
blowing spit bubbles on his tongue.
Obi-Wan decided to join him. A remarkably large
bubble rose onto his tongue and he laughed.
"Ey! Ook at LAT!" he taunted. Qui-Gon scowled and
crawled back behind the veil.
Morning apparently broke, because the Fangirls
stirred and dragged their new toys up too. After
dressing them and making one of the Battle Droids get
breakfast, they decided to wake themselves up fully by
taking a shower.
"You mean you wanna take a shower at one time, all
four of us?" Qui-Gon choked. Megan and Samantha nodded
deviously.
"Oh hell no!" Obi-Wan shouted, backing away to the
corner. "I already had hell stomping all over me last
night!" Qui-Gon broke into a cold sweat.
Trapped in a shower with two psychotic Fangirls and a
terrified Padawan did not sound fun.
"You'll never get me in there with anyone! NEVER!"
Obi-Wan screamed defiantly, shaking his fist.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE! IT'S COLD! IT'S WET! IT'S
SO GODDAMN DRAFTY! I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY OF THIS! I
ALREADY HAD TO SEE TOO MUCH LAST NIGHT!" came
Obi-Wan's outraged cries. Qui-Gon groaned and
repeatedly hit his head against the tiled shower wall.
Maybe he would get lucky and crack his skull,
therefore being put out of his misery. Megan dragged
him away from the tiles and back into her arms to
smother him with wet kisses. Qui-Gon let out a squeak
of terror.
Wait, Obi-Wan should've been bitching up a storm, but
he wasn't. Then Qui-Gon saw why; Samantha had found an
unorthodox way to silence him. He repressed the urge
to hurl.
Of course, he still had yet to figure out what he had
done to deserve this in the first place.
After the mortifying shower, the two Jedi were
redressed and dragged out of their cell for some
exercise. At least, that's what Megan and Samantha
called it. Obi-Wan didn't want to leave the cell,
saying that if he was gonna die, he should at least
die in peace. Of course, the perverted Samantha
wouldn't have it and dragged him out by the belt.
However, since the Battle Droids had failed to
do any cavity searches, Qui-Gon had one last trick up
his big, roomy sleeve. He pulled out of his pocket a
Popsicle stick! Megan watched the small piece of wood
with interest.
"Ooh," she cooed happily, reaching for the wooden
creation. Qui-Gon motioned to Obi-Wan, who drew his
Popsicle stick, and they both threw the Popsicle
sticks as far down the hall as they could. The two
Fangirls could not resist and lunged after the flying
pieces of wood.
The window of opportunity had never been left
so wide open. The two Jedi took off headlong down the
hall in the opposite direction. However, the two
Fangirls soon realized that their prey had escaped,
and within minutes, the alarm was sounded.
"Attention all crew: two totally hot Jedi are on the
loose! If you see 'em, do what you want with 'em,
hehehe! Just don't damage 'em, over and out! Hehehe!"
A large Republic battlecruiser roared
through space to intercept the Trade Federation
battleship on its way to the Fangirl Empire. The
battlecruiser pulled alongside the battleship and a
swarm of fighters streamed out. The battlecruiser
opened fire on the Trade Federation ship, punching
large holes in the hull.
A small docking shuttle put down in the landing bay.
Out stormed a complement of Clone Troopers and a group
of Jedi Knights.
"We have to find Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon!" Windu shouted
to the Clone Troopers, who began to fan out among the
hangar.
"And their wallets bring me back, or all of your
asses kick I shall!" Yoda added irritably. Windu
sighed.
"Yes Master Yoda, we'll find their wallets too." He
ignited his girly purple lightsaber and ran off into
the ship.
The two Jedi now hid in one of the shower
rooms.
"We can use the steam from the showers to our
advantage," Qui-Gon whispered, ducking behind a locker
row as a towel-clad Fangirl passed by. "You know how
long girls take in the shower."
"Yeah, as long as you," Obi-Wan agreed. Qui-Gon
scowled.
"I'll ignore that. But come on, when the showers go
on we can make a move for the ventilation system. And
whatever you do, don't stop to grope any Fangirls."
"Are you kidding? They'd grope back!" Obi-Wan hissed.
The steam rolled out over them, and they dove
forward, weaving between Fangirls and diving through
the steam.
Eventually, after leaping through several showers in
progress, they came across the vents and dove in
before the Fangirls realized that the two Jedi they
wanted had just gone through their mist. (Hahaha funny
word plays laugh dammit!)
Windu had searched all the areas of the ship
except the Showers, as he dared not go there and
several Clone Troopers had been lost there, and he had
found only Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's Jedi Popsicle Sticks
and wallets, which were promptly delivered to Yoda.
While Yoda counted how many credits richer he now was,
Windu slumped down on the shuttle ramp and sighted,
blowing spit bubbles on his tongue in depression.
Then he heard two Jedi gracefully collapse out of an
air duct. He rushed over to them.
"Qui-Gon! Obi-Wan!" he cried happily. The two Jedi
threw themselves at his feet and cried.
"Get us out of here!" they both wailed. Windu
unlatched them from his legs and led them to the
shuttle. Once everyone was aboard, the shuttle lifted
off and made tracks in space.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon did not recover from
their traumatic ordeal on that ship, although they
both did go on to marry some random hot female Jedi.
Because they were so powerful and destructive to a
Jedi's psyche, Master Skywalker of Yavin IV's Jedi
Academy soon decided to try to annihilate this threat.
Of course, we all know Luke is a few starships short
of a fleet.
As for the Fangirl Imperium, it lies in wait in the
shadows, just waiting for the perfect chance to strike
and abduct more Jedi...
