squeezing the sun into poems

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm not too sure about this one. Can anyone give me some feedback on this? Thank you



Nereid Layers

I squeeze the sun into a poem, and sip its juice.
How mighty is human fantasy!
Navigating onwards, holding my course,
Until,
The monsoon
Deviates illusion from my sail,
Sticks me in the mire of still waters.
Still I resist, get inebriated on solitude,
And wait for the rebirth of the gale.

 

[JUDO]

I love the sailing metaphor for the last five lines, but how do the first two lines fit the metaphor or set it up?

My thoughts.
- Judo

 

[Ancient117331]

Thinking

A lot is implied between the lines - perhaps too much?
I didn't feel 'lost' while reading this one - just a little cheated.
There were too many possibilities without definition and I was
left filling in the blank with personal understandings - not yours.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[Byron In Exile]

. . .

 

[Byron In Exile]

. . .

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you all for the great feedback.

First let me tell you that these words just poured out of me as they were, and I did little or no edit before presenting them to you. This wasn't one of those well thought works where all fits together and if it did I'd be more surprised than you. A posterior, though I can almost see what I was intuitively trying to do, so here goes...

JUDO, honey...
It's not the first time I mix up my metaphors, is it? hehehe
Well, this time I was aware of what I was doing, no formal excuses there. I was deliberately using two different metaphors, because this really is a two-in-one type of poem. The first line should be a stanza all by itself. That is THE poem. The rest is merely a footnote, but not as much a comment about that line directly, as it was about the way it was written. In this context I don't see a reason to homogenize the imagery within the piece. Still, (see below) I altered the beginning, trying to make the transition between the two less jagged and more like a shimmering fade. Please let me know if you still think that way, you know I value your opinion above almost anyone else in this board, don't you?

Chris--
You have read some of my work. I can truthfully say that, I can't remember a single one of my poems, except I Do (not) Haiku, less cryptic and without personal resonance than this one. I can assure you that your interpretation of Under a Fusillade of Popping Kernel, Comfortably Numb or I'm In My Shadow are as far from my own as possible, and still people are capable of gaining something from them. From the moment an author releases his/hers work for others to see, he/she no longer controls it and can't expect that everyone will understand it. Quite the contrary, I marvel when I listen to all the different interpretation one can extract from the same piece. You wouldn't believe how many different images Ko-Imari has evoked, most of which didn't even cross my mind, and if they did, they didn't linger. Tell me what possibilities have you found undefined and maybe we can fill in the gaps, together.

Byron--
I am so honoured that you chose me, not only once, but twice, for your first two posts. And with such well thought-out critique and suggestions. I really can't thank you enough. Considering all your trouble and thoughts on this piece, I've tried re-writing it a bit, correcting some of the rough edges of the original version. I seem to be the absolute master of edges needing to be softened up, but English is only my second language and I've never even had the chance to use it in a daily basis. I don't expect to be fluent in the near future, at least...


Nereid Layers

I squeeze the sun into a poem,
And feel its light upon my face:

How excellent is human fantasy!
I hold my course, navigate onward,
Until
The monsoon
Deviates illusion from my sail.
Stranded in a mire of stagnant waters,
Yet I resist, inebriate on solitude,
Yet I await the rebirth of the gale.


I welcome any additional feedback on either version. Thank you all.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Storm Warning

This is going to take awhile, but I promise to be brief. If I wretch don’t worry I don’t have me sea legs yet!

Nereid Layers

I squeeze the sun into a poem,
And feel its light upon my face:

How excellent is human fantasy!
I hold my course, navigate onward,
Until
The monsoon
Deviates illusion from my sail.
Stranded in a mire of stagnant waters,
Yet I resist, inebriate on solitude,
Yet I await the rebirth of the gale.


Set the mainsails! Shiver me timbers! And batten down the hatches. Thar be rough seas ahead.
Aye but we have a patch of clear blue on the horizon:

The Good lines are:

“I squeeze the sun into a poem,”
“Deviates illusion from my sail.”
“inebriate on solitude”
“rebirth of the gale”

Arg! Just lost me first mate, startling how when you heave the crap overboard, the good lines can often sail alone. Now Lauren.Hynde, you’re me new first mate. I know you can write. String these beautiful images and abstracts together with adequate bridges.

The Bad: (Bridges between imagery and abstractions)
“And feel its light upon my face:”

Boring! No need to be so literal. Don’t go overboard on the poetic verse either.

”I hold my course, navigate onward”

I know the metaphor but really we are never gonna leave dry dock with this. I have read most of your work do this with a gentle southern breeze not with a hurricane.


And The Ugly:

How excellent is human fantasy!

What is this? From the movie Bill and Ted’s… I can just imagine Keanu saying this. Or perhaps this is from “Wayne’s World” String these two from the yardarm and we'll spilt their booty between us!

I mean that in the most proper way of course.

U.P.

 

[Camille]

Trabalhos para mim

Lauren.Hynde, não pagam nenhuma atenção a U.P. Seu que a poesia é bonita. Eu frequentemente achado eu mesmo carreguei afastado com suas palavras. Meu português é completamente rudimentary. Eu espero que você não esteja rindo a duramente.

Cam

P.S.
Última vez eu tento escrever em uma língua que eu não sei bem.

 

[JUDO]

Camille -

As much affinity as I have for the latin languages, I have yet to learn them well enough to appreciate the written dialogues. Would you mind translating your post for me? En anglais, sil vous plait?

Thanks.

- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

UP--
Thank you for your comments. You helped me understand exactly what I wasn't sure about in Nereid Layers (other than the title, I'm still not sure about that) so I tried getting rid of all the crap and stay true to my original intent for this piece. How about:

Nereid Layers

squeezing the sun into poems
I navigate
amidst tantalizing words
until the monsoon
deviates illusion from my sail

stranded in the mire of stagnant waters
yet I resist
inebriate on solitude
yet I await
the rebirth of the gale.


And Cam!

Not bad at all! Does this mean that my private poem isn't that private anymore?

 

[JUDO]

Nereid Layers

squeezing the sun into poems
I navigate
amidst tantalizing words
until the monsoon
deviates illusion from my sail

stranded in the mire of stagnant waters
yet I resist
inebriate on solitude
yet I await
the rebirth of the gale.

Lose the "yets." And I like punctuation (as you well know).
How about:

Squeezing the sun into poems,
I navigate
Amidst tantilizing words
Until the monsoon
Deviates illusion from my sail.

Stranded in the mire of stagnant waters,
I resist
Inedbriate on solitude
As my jib luffs
Awaiting the rebirth of the gale.

---------------------------------

I added the one line in the second stanza and condensed the other two lines to one. Now the two stanzas seem to have a more parallel structure.


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you all for the great feedback.

Nereid Layers is now posted. But please, I still appreciate further discussion, so if you have anything to add, do it.



PS: there is a typo, I accidentally submited re-birth instead of rebirth, but I'll edit it today