"Spy Games" Chapter 2

[prophet007]

Now online at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99771

Hope people like it as much as the first one... A third instalment to follow next week, if you do.

 

[Chicklet]

Hey Prophet,

First, it doesn't really look like you're requesting the normal kind of feedback, and you're definitely not asking for feedback on the first chapter...but i'm going to do it anyway, just because I clicked your link and started to read, okay?

Chapter one is good, but there are a few tense changes that made me blink a few extra times. Check it out:

She would go out regularly and I would tail her shopping, or at night to various clubs and theatres, but there was nothing directly incriminating in her activities. Until that is the first weekend of my observation.

That whole second sentence really threw me off. I didn't know what to make of it...it doesn't make much sense as it is. Some rewording is in order, but seriously, maybe because it's only 6AM, I have no idea how to help with it.

I nod slightly, and she opens a wardrobe to take out a coat. Suddenly, she pulled a knife from its pocket and hurled it at me, making a darting run for the door as I moved out of its path.

The second part of this paragraph is in past tense, just like the rest of your story...but the first part is in present tense. Ugh! All you need to do is change a couple of words to get it right.

I nodded slightly and she opened a wardrobe to take out a coat.

Otherwise, your story was great! Okay, on to chapter 2.

I opened my eyes to see a large, angry-looking young Frenchman towering over me, but before I could reach for my pistol he had brought his right hand, which was holding a gun of its own, swinging down to crack me viciously across the forehead. I was stunned and, stripping me of my weapon, he put me over his shoulder and carried me down to the ground floor of the barn, where there were several other men and women, all looking equally concerned.

I'm not sure if there's anything actually wrong with this paragraph, but it was very hard for me to read. Maybe everyone will shake their heads and say "poor chicklet, she's lost it" but seriously I had to read it a few times to get it straight in my head. All I know how to suggest is that maybe you clear it up a little somehow? ugh. sorry, man.

I guess this must be the resistance group, but they would not allow me to speak, instead bringing out an old wooden chair that they tied me to.

Okay this sentence I can help you rework. First, saying "guess" is in present tense, which is a little distracting, wouldn't you say? I think the whole thought should be changed a bit though, imho. I would have written the first part as:

I guess that this was the resistance group...

See? A couple of changes and it makes a lot more sense (again my humble opinion)

In the second part the information looks like it should be shifted. They bring out an old wooden chair that they tied him to. Hmm...I would write it backwards, myself, like this:

...instead tying me to an old wooden chair.

We don't need to know that they brought the chair out. Of course they brought it out, or else it was there...that's easy information unless something else important is happening while they're bringing it out...right?

She ran a finger delicately, almost tenderly across one of the fresh scars on my face.

Personal pet peeve. Websters Online Dictionary describes a scar as "a mark left (as in the skin) by the healing of injured tissue" - healing tissue. These wounds seemed fresh in the story, so it didn't seem reasonable to me to be reading about a fresh scar that had just been inflicted. A wound, a cut, a scratch has just been inflicted, but a scar will take time to appear.

Okay, overall, another great story. I don't know about your request for feedback here, though...it feels like you're saying that you wouldn't want to write another chapter unless people like this one a lot. That's not the best attitude <tsk tsk tsk> write for yourself first. If you want to write another chapter, write it! If you're sick of this story and have new ideas bubbling over in your brain, then write those ideas! Do what you want, not what your readers want...if your readers happen to want what you want, then all the better, right?

Good luck!

-Chicklet