Spousal Starter-Kit

[AnnieLit]

Any recommendations on where to purchase such items like cuffs, etc. here comes my politics but I would love to support a feminist owned shop.

You probably meant female owned shops, not feminist?

Good Vibrations was founded by a woman and I think still owned and operated by few. They have a reasonable under-the-mattress set. It is three times more expensive than what Amazon has, but it is American made and sold by women.

https://www.goodvibes.com/s/sex-toys/p/1-8-EL-0601/sportsheets/under-the-bed-restraint-system?lref=Srch|bdsm|a|4|c|0|-relevance|search_page|0

 

[cookiecat]

Good questions. Though I wasn’t meaning to approach this from purely a self serving mindset. I guess I was/am hoping it would be enjoyable for her. But perhaps not.

I didn't think you were approaching it in a self serving way. I was trying to look at it from her point of view. I've been talked in to things I felt uncomfortable doing because I saw it in a new way - usually with someone's fingers on my clit, whispering in my ear how wet I was. So maybe binding her wrists to the bedpost or behind her back while you slowly pleasure her would give her some context to why you want to lose control.

As to porn - I wasn't thinking you needed to jump on pornhub and view pegging as a first step. I WAS thinking that sometimes pictures / a good video convey feelings that are hard to put in to words. Nothing outrageous or cliche. Whatever moves you. If you aren't moved by images, then never mind!

As to talking to her about it, you gotta find a way. She can't read your mind. For me, there's nothing worse than thinking my sex life is great and then finding out it's not. It's only fair for you both to find out if this is even a possibility.

 

[gracie920101]

 

[AnnieLit]

I rarely make comments of any substance because of overbearing personalities- not pointing any fingers. I stated what I feel is solid advice for anyone regardless of the type of relationship - without judging or making assumptions about theirs.

We all explore the lifestyle at our own pace and don't need anyone ramming their means and methods down our throats. But he doesn't deserve your rancor because he isn't on your perceived timetable.

Yes, he asked for advice but give him some breathing space too.

Not sure if I need to answer this at all, but let's try...

We have very different goals here - you are trying to show the right way. And I totally agree that in a perfect world all kinks should be discussed in the open with words. But we do not live in that perfect world. So what I am doing, is trying to show that it is not the only possible way and there is no need to feel bad about yourself if you can't do it.

High horses are great, just try not to fall.

 

[cookiecat]

Ha-ha, very funny. Do you really think they CAN talk about it? If they could possibly do it, he wouldn't need to have this discussion with strangers. And would have done it years ago, not now.

Your response here was pretty harsh. An opinion was offered, just as you offered yours. No need to mock or worse, say it's flat out wrong. That's not your call.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

I actually did mean feminist. I try to spend my money with people that align with my politics, as best as I can.

But I am liking the idea of a more DIY to start. Now to find a good set of instructions.

 

[cookiecat]

I hope you'll keep us posted!! Good luck!

 

[Stilllearning2b]

I hope you'll keep us posted!! Good luck!

Of course

 

[AnnieLit]

I actually did mean feminist. I try to spend my money with people that align with my politics, as best as I can.

But I am liking the idea of a more DIY to start. Now to find a good set of instructions.

This might be a good starting point:
https://www.lovense.com/bdsm-blog/bdsm-equipment

And for the cuffs out of double sided velcro there was my comment somewhere on this thread with a picture attached. If you can't tie anything to your headboard, just run a rope under the mattress. Look up bed restraints kit on amazon, they have detailed pictures of how it looks from all sides.

Good luck!

 

[Stilllearning2b]

I hope you'll keep us posted!! Good luck!

Well... not sure this is going to happen. I mentioned to her maybe she could find something different to pinch my nipples with, that I liked it harder and that I would like for her to tie me up. That the thought of her in control was exhilarating.

And... it went nowhere. She didn’t seem interested. And wasn’t going to do it. I apologized for bringing it up, she said I didn’t need to apologize. She did fuck me on top when I asked. But that’s it.

I was thinking about getting us this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Dom...MD0RA32MQEG&psc=1&refRID=MHNXMQNTJMD0RA32MQEG


But now I am not too sure. My desire for her to be my Domme probably just went out the window.

 

[seela]

Did she say she wasn't interested and wasn't ever going to do it or is that your interpretation of what happened?

If it's new territory for you and especially for her, she might need time to get comfortable with the thought. Just because it didn't happen now doesn't mean it can't happen in a few months when she's had time to mull it over. Maybe it isn't something she's ever fantasized of and it's only now starting to sink in that yeah, that's something you two could do. It can be overwhelming.

To you might seem like just dipping a toe in a pool to ask her to be rougher, more in control and tie you up, because you've been thinking about all that and probably about many other things for a while. But if she's only now starting to think about these things, she might need time. So give her some time and talk about it in a non-pressuring way in a few weeks. And ask about her fantasies, too.

Or it could be that she truly doesn't want to dominate you or get rough with you any more than she now does. It's a possibility as well, and if that's the case, her tastes, wants and needs in sex are equally valid as yours. The only way forward is to find a compromise that keeps you both happy.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

I suspect you are correct. Over 18 years of marriage I have hinted before at it, but we had religious constraints.

This for her is a very new idea without the religious constraints. In other words I think it was easy to dismiss ideas because it was an outside force rejecting the idea. So the possibility of entertaining the idea wasn’t even a consideration.

So, yes I can see where this is new unfamiliar territory. And so the “no” was more for that moment in time, and not a “never”.

I’m not good with patience. It’s probably why I have missed out on a lot of things, just not patient enough to get there.

 

[AnnieLit]

Well... not sure this is going to happen. I mentioned to her maybe she could find something different to pinch my nipples with, that I liked it harder and that I would like for her to tie me up. That the thought of her in control was exhilarating.

And... it went nowhere. She didn’t seem interested. And wasn’t going to do it. I apologized for bringing it up, she said I didn’t need to apologize. She did fuck me on top when I asked. But that’s it.

I was thinking about getting us this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Dom...MD0RA32MQEG&psc=1&refRID=MHNXMQNTJMD0RA32MQEG


But now I am not too sure. My desire for her to be my Domme probably just went out the window.

Your desire went out the window or the chances of this desire to be ever realized? Not exactly the same thing...

 

[AnnieLit]

What Seela said - don't press too hard. A hint here, a question tbere. And give her TIME.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Your desire went out the window or the chances of this desire to be ever realized? Not exactly the same thing...

Probably an over dramatic sentence on my part.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

I hope you'll keep us posted!! Good luck!

After yesterday, I don’t think there will be anything more to update.

Thank you all for being kind. Time to lock somethings up in a box and bury them deep.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

The report of my own demise might have been exaggerated.

Received word from my spouse that she is willing to revisit it in the future.

 

[AnnieLit]

The report of my own demise might have been exaggerated.

Received word from my spouse that she is willing to revisit it in the future.

 

[cookiecat]

After yesterday, I don’t think there will be anything more to update.

Thank you all for being kind. Time to lock somethings up in a box and bury them deep.

The report of my own demise might have been exaggerated.

Received word from my spouse that she is willing to revisit it in the future.

What a difference 7 hours makes. Good for you guys. And good luck!!

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Well... this was a huge ass fiasco. I knew better and should have stayed in my pessimistic self.

I envy you all able to live out your desires. Mine will be buried in the backyard, services at noon.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Last Update

Honestly, I am not sure where things stand.

What I do know is that what I would like to happen, isn’t in the hand that has been presently dealt. Perhaps it is in the cards somewhere in the deck. At least the little optimism I have says so.

But I do believe it is time for me to excuse myself from the table. This isn’t meant to be one of those “I’m leaving Lit” posts because no one likes me or oh poorest me.

Rather it is meant as a thank you for those that I have interacted with and those that have shared their experiences with me. I have learned. And that is always a good thing. I’ve never been one to find escape. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, maybe it’s because I’m afraid to be happy..

Deep down I want to share this life and lifestyle with my SO. And if there is any chance of her catching up to me, then I need to stop at a rest stop and wait. Maybe she will catch up, maybe not.

Either way, it’s a journey we have set out together, and I need to get back to where she is.

Again, thank you. Thank you for indulging me, answering silly questions, and putting up with my shit.

 

[LibraStud]

As a switch, I have experienced many things and I fantasize many more. PM if you want to exchange ideas or are just wanting to talk about it.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

As a switch, I have experienced many things and I fantasize many more. PM if you want to exchange ideas or are just wanting to talk about it.

Not sure what I wrote in my last post gave you the idea that I was seeking to exchange ideas, or to talk to someone about it?

 

[cookiecat]

Last Update

Honestly, I am not sure where things stand.

What I do know is that what I would like to happen, isn’t in the hand that has been presently dealt. Perhaps it is in the cards somewhere in the deck. At least the little optimism I have says so.

But I do believe it is time for me to excuse myself from the table. This isn’t meant to be one of those “I’m leaving Lit” posts because no one likes me or oh poorest me.

Rather it is meant as a thank you for those that I have interacted with and those that have shared their experiences with me. I have learned. And that is always a good thing. I’ve never been one to find escape. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, maybe it’s because I’m afraid to be happy..

Deep down I want to share this life and lifestyle with my SO. And if there is any chance of her catching up to me, then I need to stop at a rest stop and wait. Maybe she will catch up, maybe not.

Either way, it’s a journey we have set out together, and I need to get back to where she is.

Again, thank you. Thank you for indulging me, answering silly questions, and putting up with my shit.

I wish you the best. I'm always curious about other folks journeys / relationships. The fact you let us in and shared is pretty cool. Hopefully your story will help someone else.

Stop back and let us know how things go. To mentioned stopping for a bit and letting your wife catch up and that seems really admirable.

Fingers crossed you get to experience what you desire with the person you desire.