Speak to me of your Void

[Nirvanadragones]

Do you also feel the void? Please tell me about yours. Mine changes constantly. Right now, it is that feeling of waking up at 4 am on a cold, rainy winters morning, and needing to be held. And I know, that nothing will take away that longing right now. Through the years I have learnt to sit with the feeling, experience it in every part of my being, accept it, and live it.

What is your void? Is it about having a sense of purpose in life? And if so, is that it? Is it about finding significance in the rather empty world we live in?

Do you think that if we understood our void better we would be able to still it? Can the void be stilled? " Filled" would be the wrong term, because I suppose it could be filled with anything - but it will probably not make it go away.

Or perhaps the void is always there, and whatever our current yearning is, moves towards it and that specific need becomes the void? I certainly have met people who go through life with not a care in the world - no yearning, no anguished thoughts. Do they also have a void, but simply choose not to recognise it?

Artists feel it strongly - the yearning for something not quite within reach. It inspires them to create and be passionate about their way of expression.

Is it an age thing? The intensity of my void has not diminished over time. It varies, yes, but the intense consistency does not change while my body is getting older and my soul wiser.

There are ways of numbing the void, and there are elements like drinking, music, sex and drugs that help us " escape" Escape what exactly?

One of the best descriptions I have heard is"I miss people I do not know, and will never know" Is it a yearning towards the unknown? A need for something that is undefinable?

Is it always unpleasant? My void forces me to create. At times the message is so clear to pick up a pencil and start designing. Pick up a pen and start scribbling.

Is it a need to get back to what is basic? Sometimes I yearn for the safeness of the womb - I need warm, soft water to wash over me gently, soft whispers, and gentle touch. I need to be " home".

Some people are materialistic and say that it is money and earthly possessions. For others it is more spiritual. I have heard many people comment that once they have " found God" they were convinced that that is what they were looking for all along.

Is it a search for our soul-mate? Is it a yearning for self? To understand better what motivates us as humans? Or is it merely a " tool" we possess to help us achieve what we are capable of. A measurement in terms of what we need?

It's not all bad. Through the pain, there sure is sweet blissfulness when that void is temporarily identified and satisfied.

Is it all of what I have described, or more, or less?

And sometimes for me the void is a clear reminder that I am human - that I feel deeply, and that there are dimensions and angles to me that I am yet to discover.

 

[S-Des]

For me, the void has become more livable as I've grown older. Understanding it, and that it's of my own creation, has helped me to deal with the times it feels overwhelming. Like you, I create. I write (most of my stories are quite painful) and play (guitar, bass, or piano). The birth of my daughter helped very much, because I learned that her happiness was far more important than my misery. So I push my feelings away and gain strength from her joy at experiencing life. Now I have a wonderful woman in my life who is helping me push back even harder against the void.

We all face it, the trick (like with nightmares) is to learn that it can only control you if you let it. That said, I'm sure I'll fail at dealing with it often in the future. But I do think it gets better.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

For me, the void has become more livable as I've grown older. Understanding it, and that it's of my own creation, has helped me to deal with the times it feels overwhelming. Like you, I create. I write (most of my stories are quite painful) and play (guitar, bass, or piano). The birth of my daughter helped very much, because I learned that her happiness was far more important than my misery. So I push my feelings away and gain strength from her joy at experiencing life. Now I have a wonderful woman in my life who is helping me push back even harder against the void.

We all face it, the trick (like with nightmares) is to learn that it can only control you if you let it. That said, I'm sure I'll fail at dealing with it often in the future. But I do think it gets better.

I agree with your feeling about your daughter. I think when we are so needed - like when we have children, it forces us to look so much further than our own needs and wants.

Do you think the void is something we should "push back against"? Why?

Is it your own creation? How? Is it not something more unspecific that just " is" for us as humans? Or is it the specifics of your void that is your own creation?

 

[English Lady]

My void does exist, it comes and swallows me up sometimes, it makes me doubt myself and is usually brought on by worry and doubt.

God helps me with my void, though. When I get into that place where I feel so lonely, so ful of doubt and insecurity, when the world looks black, dark and shadowy I can't see anything but pain and stress, He stills me.

In the stillness I talk to him. I ask for help, I cry out for it and plead. I sometimes feel like that pleading is being gobbled up by the void. But by staying within that stillness, I am prompted to thank and to praise. It's as if a switch is flicked and I begin to remember what I have, what I should be thankful for. I start to Thank God for the many, manywonderful blessings in my life, and the void begins to look less void like. As I take the focus away from me and my insecurities, problems and worries my heart lifts and I think of more things to be thankful for, the blessings start to rush out until I am overwhelmed by all the good stuff I've got.

The void does not motivate me, it scares me, sucks out my energy and leaves me listless and leaves me empty. The blessings are what motivate me. I have so much and so many have so little, I want to pass them some blessings or help them to count the blessings they have so they can fight back the void and feel the sunshine on their face as they smile up to the sky, knowing they are blessed.

 

[sophia jane]

Years ago, I remember I would often say "I love you" out loud to nothing, not to myself for sure because I've never really loved myself. But to an unknown entity. Maybe that's part of my void- not having anyone to love or to love me.
During the "good" years of my marriage my husband and I said "I love you" to each other often, and I stopped saying it out loud to nothing. But I didn't love him, not in that way that I wanted to. Again, part of my void, I think.

These days my void is like this big empty space in me and in my life that seems very much unbreachable. Like there's a bubble all around me that makes me untouchable, makes it impossible to connect with me or impossible for me to connect with others. In some ways, I kinda feel like I have a big void in me that makes me feel that way.
I know my void has not always been this way. I know I've had connections in the past, and I know I've not always felt so disconnected from people. So, I guess it does fluctuate, depending on circumstances/mates/stress/family, etc. For me, the best way to deal with it is simply to accept it.

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[thothr1]

The Void

deleted

 

[S-Des]

I agree with your feeling about your daughter. I think when we are so needed - like when we have children, it forces us to look so much further than our own needs and wants.

Do you think the void is something we should "push back against"? Why?

Is it your own creation? How? Is it not something more unspecific that just " is" for us as humans? Or is it the specifics of your void that is your own creation?

I think we should push back. If we don't, we're giving in to our own self-absorbtion. It's not that thinking about yourself is bad, we need to take care of ourselves. But just like an alcoholic drinking alone, it's easy to go down a bad road if you indulge in it. The void is definitely my fear and anxiety rolled up into an all-consuming ball. It's the bad things that happened to me growing up, my lack of acceptance by peers, fear of being alone, of ridicule, of failure, etc...

Some of that is good for keeping me from repeating mistakes. It also helps me by fueling my creative juices. Other parts are bad because I'm not nearly as pathetic as I think I am (especially while depressed). Not too long ago, I was having a bad couple of days. I knew it was coming; I know the signs. After it started pushing me past where I could be sociable, I told my friends I'd be OK in a couple of days and did things to kill time until it was past. I knew that the world wasn't ending, that I wasn't unloved, that there was hope for me. The doubts were easier to keep away because I knew the feelings were a byproduct of my own uncertainty...not reality. It made the void pass quicker and I could center myself, and then move on with my life.

Everyone's void is different. It affects them in ways that they are uniquely vulnerable. Therefore I can't tell you if mine is easier, harder, or the same as yours (or anyone else's). I just know that as I've grown, I've learned to cope. My daughter (and now my girlfriend) help me face it without giving in to the fear. If something happens and I lose Kiten, I think I'd still be OK (although I'd prefer not to find out for a while ). For those who feel overwhelmed by the emptiness, all we can do is give them a hug and tell them that they are important to us. We all face the void, and I think one of the most important things we can teach our children is how to deal with it. At least that's what I tell myself. My opinion and a dollar will get you a small cup of coffee (in some places).

 

[Nirvanadragones]

The blessings are what motivate me. I have so much and so many have so little, I want to pass them some blessings or help them to count the blessings they have so they can fight back the void and feel the sunshine on their face as they smile up to the sky, knowing they are blessed.

You're such a beautiful person, EL I love this image.

I'm not sure if I can make my blessings " work against" this void. I don't perceive the void as a negative only. I agree that it could become negative, though.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

These days my void is like this big empty space in me and in my life that seems very much unbreachable. Like there's a bubble all around me that makes me untouchable, makes it impossible to connect with me or impossible for me to connect with others.

What you describe here, is something that I did (and sometimes still do) as a defence mechanism against intimacy. I craved it, yet made it difficult for others and myself to connect in an intimate way.

I am fascinated by your " I love you" 's to an unknown entity. For years I have written to an unknown entity. Until I came to know her.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Now I sense that this experience we think of as life is a void in itself

Indeed. I feel it too.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I am in love with another now, but still my heart calls out for her. What is so sad is that I am not sure if she ever knew at all.

This makes me so sad. It is an intimate loss - loss of opportunity, and the loss of a dream.

I am glad you were able to find love again

 

[Nirvanadragones]

and I think one of the most important things we can teach our children is how to deal with it.

I agree that the void is different for each of us, although there will be similarities, yet I am not sure that we can teach our children how to deal with it. Or teach anyone how to deal with it. Is it not such a unique experience that it can only be dealt with individually? Is it not part of our life's journey, and if we teach someone how to deal with it, it will take away some of their process of self discovery?

I think the most " help" we can give is to acknowledge that it exists, and to talk about it, as we are now.

 

[S-Des]

I agree that the void is different for each of us, although there will be similarities, yet I am not sure that we can teach our children how to deal with it. Or teach anyone how to deal with it. Is it not such a unique experience that it can only be dealt with individually? Is it not part of our life's journey, and if we teach someone how to deal with it, it will take away some of their process of self discovery?

I think the most " help" we can give is to acknowledge that it exists, and to talk about it, as we are now.

Yet understanding it and talking about it does help. While you can't protect your child from pain, helping them learn to cope is incredibly important. My parents acted like depression was irrelevant and I had to learn to cope on my own. It took a long time to come to grips with it. There are some things you can help your children with, and I believe this is one.

 

[672]

too many voids, so little time. i must be emo.

 

[scheherazade_79]

I've been through my void, and turned my back on it once and for all.

It's a dark and ugly place, where I'm unable to experience the millions of small pleasures that constitute life, because my time is taken up with something pointless.

I've had outbreaks of it in the past, and then the Big One came earlier on this year.

Imagine halving the amount of sleep you need, spending your working hours being screamed at and sworn at, feeling like throwing up every hour of the day, getting home and carrying on working until around 1am, and all the time just holding out for the one highlight of your day, which involves smoking a spliff in the rain in a deserted park. Then the nightmares start and suddenly your alarm clock is screaming out the start of your next day on the treadmill.

Now my life mission has become keeping that at bay. At the moment it's a million miles away, but I've decided I quite like being a hedonist so I'm keeping up the quest.

Creating is part of keeping the void at bay. But on that one occasion when the void was all around me, I couldn't create a damn thing.

I don't think all the usual fears of being alone, being broke, not ending up with a fantastic career form any part of my void. It's more of a spiritual thing, involving not having enough time to chill out and enjoy life - the sense of a clock ticking against you, deadlines waiting to be met, and your life not really being your own.

These days? Fuck the void!

 

[672]

These days? Fuck the void!

isn't that, like, fisting?

 

[rgraham666]

My void has two major parts.

One, a lack of connectivity to the world. And a wanting for that connection. I often feel like a hungry person, standing outside a restaurant looking in. I can see the people inside eating, but I can't find the way in.

The other is a lack of sense of usefulness to other people. I want to be able to do things that make other people's lives better.

I once had both parts of that void hit me at the same time. It wasn't pleasant.

 

[Amarok0682]

OK, I have been drinking a bit but......

I understand what it's like to feel a void. For me it's that feeling of wanting to experience new things with someone and currently that someone jsut isn't available. I mean seriously, sometimes you just want to do something or go somewhere you've never been before and you want to it with someone your just a bit more intament with than your friends. I don't know, I could be crazy, or just ramballing.

 

[cloudy]

I've noticed in the last few years that I'm looking back at the choices I've made, and wondering how things would be different for me now if I'd just taken what was behind Door #2 instead of Door #1. (for instance: what if I'd studied Anthropology in college - which I loved - instead of listening to the sensible advice of my mother, and studied business) You can never really know, though...things might have been a lot worse, or much better.

And after I thoroughly dissect my choices, then the chilling thoughts:

"Is this all there is?"
"Is what I am now all I'll ever be, all I'll ever have?"

....because if it is, then what a waste of time this ride called life has been.

 

[Nosferatuness]

For me the void is finding someone to share my perverted and frowned upon life with. It's a lonely ride.

The pain can be enjoyable too sometimes

 

[Guest]

it changes with life situations. for now, the void is this card board bridge and i have to cross it every month when i pay the bills. sometimes it holds up, sometimes i fall a level or two. last year, i fell all the way to the bottom.

before this, it was death. what really amazes me is that i have learned how to deal with death in such a way that i truly believe i HAD to experience profound loss in order to understand. it was a void for me that wading through it was a turning point in my life.

before this, it was emotional abuse by an ex husband for nearly 17 years.

so, i see voids as stepping stones. from each void, i have learned deep and moving lessons. from each void, i tossed myself into a craft where i created tangibles, i have expressed myself without saying a word.

this is the way i have to see it, or i would never come out of the plethora of voids.

 

[English Lady]

You're such a beautiful person, EL I love this image.

I'm not sure if I can make my blessings " work against" this void. I don't perceive the void as a negative only. I agree that it could become negative, though.

I think my void is a negative. I can see how others can see it differently, but for my personality I can't make my void work for me. It doesn't creae creativity for me, it doesn't push me on to acheivement - it pulls me down. My void drags me deeper and deeper till I'm cowering in a corner afraid to move.

My blessings motivate me,so I choose to concentrate on them and hopefully avoid the void

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

"Can the void ever be stilled, filled or made to go away?"

I think it can be crowded back and made to take up a smaller space. What crowds it are blessings - the positive people, places, things, and situations that are the real stuff of our lives. In the ordinary course of our lives these occupy much more space. These can be summoned forth to gang up on the cruel void, telling it "We can't make you disappear, but our 'territory' is much bigger than yours, so now that you've had your hurtful moment get back into your little room!"

I am not one for allowing the void to take up any more space than I capable of holding it to. I see no benefit to inviting it out frequently, exploring it, and hanging out with it. It's there, and though I don't think about it the awareness of that never disappears. I know it will enjoy the ultimate victory at the very end, but in the meanwhile this is my time, and my purpose in life is my own happiness.

What is my void? It's the fear that I've "missed it," as expressed in this poem that I've cited before here:

"George Gray" by Edgar Lee Masters. (The context is a person speaking from the grave.)

I HAVE studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me—
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one’s life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire—
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

The "void" you describe is basically a fear of death, as I understand you. As you get older, you get better at dealing with it. Trust me, I'm old, and nowhere near as afraid as I once was.

It doesn't really make you a better, kinder or more interesting person to think about death unduly. My advice is to get a really enjoyable hobby.


Some people on this thread are talking about a different "void" than death:

a. An unfertilized ovum
b. A lost childhood
c. An ideal life partner

which might be filled with

d. Tasty and fattening food
e. Addictive Drugs
f. Pets

The best thing you can do about these voids is to be Sad. Sadness is okay, and while not exactly enjoyable, is certainly a healthy emotion.