SparxXx Story Feedback

[SparxXx]

Hey,

I sent in my first lit submission and as of today I have a submission within the 'Great Lit Archive'. I'm looking for some feedback for my prologue to a novellas called "Blue".

I like to give respects to the Lit community for helping me bring back some writing skills which I had lost for the past couple of years. I'm not saying I was a good writer before, so don't think it that way. I also appreciate the work done by a couple of editors I sent my story to.

My first ever submission can be found below. Hope you'll find it interesting and encourage me to continue the novellas, so I guess I'm looking forward for more positive feedback rather than negatives *fingers-crossed* but don't be afraid to just blurt out(type) whatever is on your mind.

Blue: Prologue http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=315306

 

[tickledkitty]

Your writing is decent, but the story was really confusing. You need a better hook. The opening paragraphs didn't grab my attention at all. I only read about halfway down the page and didn't continue because I was confused, and there wasn't really anything to compel me to keep going.

If you want more feedback, you should put a link to the story in the text of your post rather in your sig line. Others have sigs turned off and won't bother to search for it.

ETA: Dude, even your tag line is not attention grabbing. What does it say? "The corporation I work for" or something similar? Does that seem interesting to you? Readers are looking for erotic stories. The last thing they want to read about is work.

You said you were looking for positive feedback and encouragement. Here it is. Your writing is okay, and I think you should definitely continue. But for heaven's sake, try to spice it up a bit. Make it something people want to read. You can do this.

 

[SparxXx]

Thanks for the reply kitty..

lol that's a bummer. I thought I had an interesting plot going. I tried to fix the confusing bits of the story but I guess it wasn't enough. At least I have some decent writing going around but just need to work on grabbing readers interest.

 

[SparxXx]

Anymore Feedbacks?

 

[slyc_willie]

Well, the opening paragraphs read like a continuation of a personal thought of yours to which we, as readers, were not privy. By that I mean that we really did not know exactly what you were telling us about the secretary. Add to that the fact that some of your paragraphs are too long, and therefore difficult to read, and I had trouble reading more than half of the first page.

You need to learn to use punctuation, as well. There were many commas and periods missing throughout the story. That made some parts difficult to follow.

The story itself had a pretty good mood to it, that of wondering and discovery, which you managed to maintain for the most part. All you really need to work on are the points I described above.

 

[SparxXx]

Well, the opening paragraphs read like a continuation of a personal thought of yours to which we, as readers, were not privy. By that I mean that we really did not know exactly what you were telling us about the secretary. Add to that the fact that some of your paragraphs are too long, and therefore difficult to read, and I had trouble reading more than half of the first page.

You need to learn to use punctuation, as well. There were many commas and periods missing throughout the story. That made some parts difficult to follow.

The story itself had a pretty good mood to it, that of wondering and discovery, which you managed to maintain for the most part. All you really need to work on are the points I described above.

So I have a good plot going and good character development but my grammar is bad? I did send this to one of our volunteer editors at Lit. I feel like scraping this series. I kind of lost interest in it But lets see where this...if readers like the plot and characters then I guess I can just improve on grammar, vocabulary and detail.

 

[SparxXx]

Any more feedback?

 

[_Lynn_]

I find it to be very confusing as I am reading it now.

For the first several paragraphs his thoughts seem to be rambling. You could set that scene up in a much smoother way by cutting them down.

Punctuation and grammar needs work. Some of the paragraphs are too long for online reading. There are many errors that a good computor program would catch. Many authors use an editor to help them as well.

I think you could clean this up and build if you are willing to work at it.

Add to the depth of your character--let them tell the story not you. The reader will feel the difference.

My opinion only. ML

 

[SparxXx]

Thanks mistresslynn for the feedback...


anymore feedbacks??

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well, beyond fairly disinteresting there isn't a lot to say. The writing is fair, but the plot is confused and just leaves me asking, "Where the hell is this going?" You start with six paragraphs of expostulation about Shawn doing some illegal activity, then shift the entire point in the direction of Melissa.

The idea that Melissa would give the "secret" card to Shawn then blackmail him into sex just doesn't work with my belief system.

It seems to me there are way too many things going on an unexplained in this piece.

Sparxx, unless this improves dramaticlly in chapter on, I really don''t think you are really quite ready for a Novella yet.

 

[tickledkitty]

Hope you'll find it interesting and encourage me to continue the novellas, so I guess I'm looking forward for more positive feedback rather than negatives *fingers-crossed* but don't be afraid to just blurt out(type) whatever is on your mind.

He's still looking for that elusive positive feedback. In spite of the fact that everyone is telling him the same things, he's still asking for more.

 

[_Lynn_]

He's still looking for that elusive positive feedback. In spite of the fact that everyone is telling him the same things, he's still asking for more.

I agree with you there. If someone doesn't want our real thoughts, then I wish they would just say that, so we could use the time for someone that does.

 

[tickledkitty]

I agree with you there. If someone doesn't want our real thoughts, then I wish they would just say that, so we could use the time for someone that does.

I think he kinda did. But since we actually look for the negatives in order to improve, we just didn't see it. It's our mind set, apparently.

 

[SparxXx]

lol i know I might be irritating some of you by asking for feedbak all the time even though everyone gives the same feedback, it's just that I want to know if my writing is decent. I agree with the plot. It has no focus and totally confusing. It would matter to the world if the writing is fair and hearing jenny say that helps a lot

Thanks

 

[_Lynn_]

lol i know I might be irritating some of you by asking for feedbak all the time even though everyone gives the same feedback,
it's just that I want to know if my writing is decent. I agree with the plot. It has no focus and totally confusing. It would matter to the world if the writing is fair and hearing jenny say that helps a lot

Thanks

My first ever submission can be found below. Hope you'll find it interesting and encourage me to continue the novellas, so I guess I'm looking forward for more positive feedback rather than negatives *fingers-crossed* but don't be afraid to just blurt out(type) whatever is on your mind.

You should have just asked in the beginning if all you wanted to know was if it was decent.
We all want positive comments, true, but I tend to learn from the negatives, as I don't want to repeat them in future work.

 

[tickledkitty]

Your writing is decent, but the story was really confusing.

You said you were looking for positive feedback and encouragement. Here it is. Your writing is okay, and I think you should definitely continue.

I'm not irritated. Just not sure what it is you really want.

 

[SparxXx]

True...I rather have negatives. I learned from dRK's postives which didn't really help at all now. He said i was doing good but he never said much negatives. Anyways its cool that your all trying to help by telling me strctly the negatives. I do want to know if my writing is good for readers to understand. I know I have to work on plot and development (show me dont tell me). I guess I'll stop with the novellas and just write short stories and see where I go.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

True...I rather have negatives. I learned from dRK's postives which didn't really help at all now. He said i was doing good but he never said much negatives. Anyways its cool that your all trying to help by telling me strctly the negatives. I do want to know if my writing is good for readers to understand. I know I have to work on plot and development (show me dont tell me). I guess I'll stop with the novellas and just write short stories and see where I go.

Oh balderdash, I gave you lots of negatives, but in a positive way. You can be told what you are doing wrong without being negative.

From the first thing you posted here, to your story, you have improved markedly. And most important is that you have shown determination, and that's something no one can teach you.

The secret for you now is to go out and find an editor who is willing to help you.

Just keep writing Sparxx, you will get better with each piece that you write. I think you're beginning to grow on us.

Good Luck, and let us know how you are doing.

 

[tickledkitty]

Oh balderdash

*snort*

 

[drksideofthemoon]

*snort*

 

[SparxXx]

My new story is up Just would like some constructive feedback on it Thanks

Who is she really? http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=341888

 

[mjl2010]

Well. I persevered and finally made it through. The story, well. Yeah I guess it's a story. I'm still not sure about what. You leave out details and then drop them on us a bit later.

For instance, when Josh wanted to kill Christina. Shawn holds down Josh's arms. A moment later, you mention he drops his weapon. Weapon? What weapon? I went back and read. Nothing about a weapon. Later we find out from Christina that in fact, the weapon was a knife. huh.

Throughout the story, I found myself wondering when I was going to click out of it.There's a ton of dialog that gets us nowhere until the very end when it appears that Christina ends up about to do something with Shawn. What that is we never get to find out.

Your sentences are difficult to read and are poorly structured. There's some forgiveness for that in dialog, but this was just hard.

Josh for a moment glared at Christina but suddenly dropped his weapon and weakened. I slowly led him to a chair. Both Maria and I looked confused as Christina ran upstairs covering her eyes and crying. Maria looked at me, furious, and chased after her.

A better way to write this would be: Josh glared at Christina for a moment, then weakened and dropped his weapon. I led him slowly to a chair. Maria looked as confused as I felt when Christina ran upstairs, hands over her eyes and crying. Maria looked at me, furious, and chased after her.

If you overlook the way the sentences are structured, you then ask yourself, "Why the hell is Maria furious with him now? And if Maria is pissed at Shawn for supposedly screwing Christina at the party, then why would she go after her?"

I had all kinds of moments like these throughout the story. Rereading things to understand them. Saying "huh" numerous times when something happened just because. And why the Mature category? There's nothing that I can remember that indicates it belongs in this category. They're all housemates? Seems like something a bunch of twenty-somethings would do.

MJL

 

[SparxXx]

So it sucks that's a bummer. I guess I'll be waiting for more of those negative feedbacks so that I can learn

 

[mjl2010]

So it sucks that's a bummer. I guess I'll be waiting for more of those negative feedbacks so that I can learn

send me a PM if you want help. - MJL