Sorry to bother you, but...

jon_jones

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May 27, 2003
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Would it be possible to get some feedback on my first story (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=94136) I posted it a while ago, expecting the feedback to come flooding into my inbox, and it hasn't happened, I've been thinking of writing a "Part 2" but I was wondering if my original was any good. It could be better, I know but I didn't think it was bad for a first shot... any comments would be welcome.
 
get ti out of the "mature" story heading

make the transition from friendly hello to steamy sex much longer. her swift action to sex doesn't seem to be justified at all.

the real thrill sex (at least stories of sex) is the thrill of anticipation. prolong that anticipation to make it hotter.

requerdos
 
I when I posted the story I put it forward for the "Erotic Couplings" section, but one of the Literotica Gods obviously decided it would be better placed in the "Mature" section or something. (Is 28 considered "Mature"?)

And as for the quick transition, when I write I tend to get ahead of myself quickly and get things down fast, in the cold light of day it does go a bit too quickly into the sex, though this is partly explained later by Sarah saying she's had a thing for him for a while. That's my excuse anyway.
 
"There is more to life than increasing its speed" - Ghandi

Congrats on your first story. Now,where's chapter two?

requerdos
 
Nice work!

I agree with requerdos, that it goes too fast into the sex.

It's not just the speed, I've seen stories that moved into the sex faster. The problem for me is that the sex starts implausibly, with just a short paragraph from when she slumps, to him eating her out. I think a paragraph or two of her explaining the problem and then having him realize how much she is hurting, and then have him hold her, stroking her hair etc. The stage of them kissing could also be stretched out.

In my opinion, you could also make the story more plausible (if you want to. Plausibility isn't the be-all end-all of a story) by recalling their shakespeare experience before they get together.

This is a good first draft though. Nice work.
 
Brace Yourself...

Here's some constructive criticism that I hope you can use for your next story.

Starting at the top of your story, let's point out some things:

I had a few unexpected days off from college, and after fixing my car up, buying some new clothes I was at a loss at what to do with my time when I was driving past my old school and decided that with nothing else to do I'd go and say hello to my old teachers.

This introductory paragraph was boring and confusing. It was hard for me to read it, to understand it, and harder for me to go on with the story. Your style in the story isn't as boring, so this paragraph really doesn't do its job. You need an introductory paragraph that's going to grab the reader and practically force them to keep with the story. Even the Cliched "I never thought I'd be fucking my teacher in the ass" introduction does that job. Your job as the writer is not only to write the story, but to keep it interesting so that the reader won't give up on you.

This paragraph is put together wrong, as well. It should read more like this:

I had a few unexpected days off from college, and after fixing up my car and buying some new clothes I was at a loss of what to do with my time. I drove past my old school and decided that with nothing else to do I'd go and say hello to my old teachers.

The changes have been put in bold. Check it out: Instead of having one long run-on sentence, the paragraph has been cut into two sentences.

Next!

God knows why I was doing it, I hated school. It just seemed so phony and I spent the last year counting the days until I could leave. I spent some time talking to the few teachers I liked, and some I didn't. Letting them know I was doing more than fine without them.

The red represents what I think you should change specifically. I would like to see something more like:

It just seemed so phony and I'd spent most of the last year counting down until the day that I could leave.


I changed these things because it makes more sense to me. My re-written paragraph describes the same thing, but with a few additional words it seems to flow better imho.

Overall, your paragraphs just need a little re-working to make them more interesting. The last part of this paragraph, when you say that the character talks to some of the teachers...this opens up ideas for amusing chatter. I would go back and maybe add a paragraph or two about those conversations, use your sense of humor or irony to flesh out your character. There's nothing like good dialogue to give the reader an idea of what kind of person they're reading about. If you did this, then when we the readers got to the sex we'd be more interested in what happens to Neil.

NEXT!

Your dialogue has very simple, very common mistakes.

"I'm not a teacher, I'm a friend".

"Okay, Sarah" I said and smiled at her.

"It's really good to see you, Neil"

These three sentences all have a common mistake: the first sentence has the comma in the wrong place. It should be before the quotation mark, rather than after it. The other two sentences don't even have commas. When you wrote questions, you did just fine:

"Oh, what's up Miss?" I asked.

The question mark is in just the right place, and consistantly. You just need to make sure that when there isn't a question you're still using some sort of puctuation mark, a period, a comma, an exclaimation mark, anything.

Overall, you have a classic story: young man, older woman, teacher/student. One that is a very popular genre. All you need is a little tweaking here and there to make an excellent story. Good luck!

-Chicklet
 
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