Sooo frustrated

[flowerpetals]

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[shykittyme]

I need advice please
I have just hit my sexual peak and it is all I can think about. My partner on the other hand is just not interested. I believe that a medication he was put on is the reason. He used to have his hands all over me to the point I would have to swat him away because that was all he wanted to do (we've been together for 10 years). I've tried pretty much everything I can think of to get him really aroused including hopping in the shower with him and sucking his cock, to sending him dirty text messages, to dressing up naughty for him etc... I sure hope it isn't me that's turning him off I like to think of myself as attractive. I run 3 days a week, am a vegatarian and occasionaly catch men looking at me.
Is it possible his body will eventually acclimate to the medication and this will become a non-issue or am I doomed to getting myself off alone for the rest of my life

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts I posted here

I think that will depend on what or what type of medication he is on, and if that's what is creating the issue with him. If you have talked about this with him and he also is at a loss, then he should definitely speak with his doctor about it. There may be an easy and simple solution to the problem. If you haven't discussed this with him, I would approach the topic with a little caution and gentleness. Males and their fragile egos and all, you know...

Good luck, hon.

 

[flowerpetals]

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[SweetErika]

What medication is it? Maybe someone here has had a similar experience and even found a different medication w/o that side effect.

How have you approached the subject in the past (and how long has this been going on)?

If you really can't get anywhere with generally effective communication techniques, I'd suggest talking to a good therapist. Perhaps s/he will be able to help you work any underlying problems out or at least give you some advice on communicating with him.

 

[manim]

I remember when i hit my peak between 18 and 21. Sex was all I could think about - I resented my wife for this but then as time went on, I realized that this was only destructive thinking.

I'm sure your looks aren't the cause of his disinterest - it could be the way you treat him (as shykittyme pointed out men have fragile egos) if he might be harboring some resentment. Perhaps your desire is the reason he is resisting.

Have you ever noticed that in almost every human interaction there is an aggressor and one who is either running away or just being subordinate?

 

[shykittyme]

I remember when i hit my peak between 18 and 21. Sex was all I could think about - I resented my wife for this but then as time went on, I realized that this was only destructive thinking.

I'm sure your looks aren't the cause of his disinterest - it could be the way you treat him (as shykittyme pointed out men have fragile egos) if he might be harboring some resentment. Perhaps your desire is the reason he is resisting.

Have you ever noticed that in almost every human interaction there is an aggressor and one who is either running away or just being subordinate?

I think it's great to get a male perspective on this issue for flowerpetals. However, I'm a little puzzled by the fact that you 'resented' your wife for your high sex drive when you were 18 to 21 yrs old? I don't understand the logic behind that, although I realize that logic doesn't always play a role in male/female interactions, lol.

Also, could you explain, from the male point of view, how her desire could be causing her partner to resist? I'm not saying that you are wrong, just that it was an unexpected response.

 

[FantaSeaGirl]

Shykitty & manim...

I can understand this. When I firt meet my husband he was very sexual. His hyper drive would make me resits. I felt that if "gave in" that he would expect it as often as he wanted it. The problem was that when I did give in he was so eager to have sex that it became all bout instant satisfaction for him & I was left feeling ... well, unsatisfied. Not to say he wasn't good ... just that I was looking for more connection, different sensations etc. It seemed that all the sex we had was a quicky.

Now I have reached my sexual peak and his is on the decline for now. I think it may just be his work at the moment distracting him, and we have pretty good communication so I am sure we'll work through it. But I do admit that part of me resents him because he won't play with me as often or how I like nearly as much as I desire. This of course turns him away because when he doesn't feel like it but is doing it for me I still end up being unsatisfied because while tab B went into slot A so to speak I was looking for more. And when he really does make an effort I end up feeling guilty for "making" him do something he wasn't that into.

All this can be solved with communicaion.

However, and I hate to be the voice of doom here, I have also been on medication that hinders my sex drive. It was an anti-depressant. You don't mention what meds your partenr is on but that is something to take into account.

THe biggest issue here may not be your sex drives and how thay are incompatible or even teh meds but his depression. If this is a factpr it is a hrd line to walk. For me if I am pressured to much to achieve someting (be it sexually satisfying him or grocery shopping) then I feel that I will never live up to expectations so I just give up without trying. On the other hand, if I feel there are no expectations on me then why should I even bother trying at all. I am alreday expected to "not achieve" so why try & fail. Even harder is the fact that the amount of expection I need each day/week to keep me motivated without pressuring me can change.

It is tough I know, I don't have a straight answer for you. Humans and relationships are difficult. Just look at all the factors (age, mens reach sexual peak sooner than women, meds, mental health, outside influences & stresses, even what time you go to bed) and keep the lines of communication open without the expectation that every discussion should result in an little light bulb of complete understanding going off in your head. Communicate for communications sake, look for glimmers of clarity after each littel talk and even if you aren't both in the mood for sex remember that you love each other & that is easy to show with just a special meal for dinner, new sheets on the bed or a foot rub.

~

PS.(And if he is depressed, feeling pressure to have sex that just because he relaxes after a foot rum & gives you an extra specal hug this is not an invitation to jump his bones otherwise he may see your loving ministrations as something you are justdoing to get laid instead of a demonstration of your love for him)

 

[wehstar]

I think it's great to get a male perspective on this issue for flowerpetals. However, I'm a little puzzled by the fact that you 'resented' your wife for your high sex drive when you were 18 to 21 yrs old? I don't understand the logic behind that, although I realize that logic doesn't always play a role in male/female interactions, lol.

Also, could you explain, from the male point of view, how her desire could be causing her partner to resist? I'm not saying that you are wrong, just that it was an unexpected response.

I think FantaSeaGirl hinted at the point I am going to make too.

I remember in a past relationship that I was in, my girfriend often had a higher sex drive than me. (The old guys need some time to recover whilst women don't kinda thing.)

One thing that I did find was that when she was overly 'pushy' for sex i.e. begging after it morning, noon, and night, and getting upset when there was a rejection, I developed a standard defensive response. Whether I was in the mood or not, my automatic answer was 'sorry not in the mood, maybe later'.

Does that make sense. I don't think it will answer your question(s) directly, but may be a factor for your relationship or others in a similar scenario.

 

[Secretchick]

Seriously

you need to sit down with him and talk about it

if it is his medication go chat with a doctor ect

you cannot just ignore this situation as ity looks like its taking its toll on the both of you

Secret

 

[shykittyme]

I think FantaSeaGirl hinted at the point I am going to make too.

I remember in a past relationship that I was in, my girfriend often had a higher sex drive than me. (The old guys need some time to recover whilst women don't kinda thing.)

One thing that I did find was that when she was overly 'pushy' for sex i.e. begging after it morning, noon, and night, and getting upset when there was a rejection, I developed a standard defensive response. Whether I was in the mood or not, my automatic answer was 'sorry not in the mood, maybe later'.

Does that make sense. I don't think it will answer your question(s) directly, but may be a factor for your relationship or others in a similar scenario.

Thanks, wehstar...Actually, that makes perfect sense, because that is exactly what many women go through, and feel, about men! Its just that its unusual, for the most part, for men to complain about this. In general, they seem to want the opposite, and when their women aren't 'in the mood', they feel deprived and pouty about it. Or, at least, this is my personal experience, and it's a long running joke about the 'I have a headache' thing that women always say. I guess I just mean that for the opposite to be true, and for men to be the ones complaining, is something you don't hear of very often.

This may or may not apply to flowerpetals case, there are a lot of unanswered questions like what medication and for what problem. Certainly factors like depression, stress, and medical issues, even erectile dysfunction, or just plain old disinterest, all could be factors. Hell, even an affair on his part might explain this, any of a dozen things could be the problem. And lack of communication only complicates things and creates a barrier for them.

To start with, I would try bringing up the subject in an understanding way, or seek counseling possibly. If it's possibly medical, or even a psychological problem, they should definitely seek medical assistance and advice. If it's something wrong in their relationship, that he's feeling and she may not be aware of, again, there should be counseling assistance sought, at the very least.

 

[flowerpetals]

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[FitfunWoman]

Thank you for the advice so far
I don't want to give too many details of the situation because he used to visit this site and I'm afraid if by chance he came across this post he will put 2 and 2 together and be angry that I would post this question. He is on a blood pressure medication and it has been running his blood pressure very low.

Also remember there is more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak. He may feel ill at ease because he cannot get or maintain an erection, and perhaps his medication interferes with him taking other ED drugs. Talking to him may help... and if he tells his Dr of this issue then maybe things can be changed. Perhaps he would appreciate more tenderness, like a massage or a bubble bath or something like that, where he can feel sensuality without feeling the need to perform.

Just thoughts.

 

[subwannabe]

I was put on a blood pressure med due to a slightly high blood pressure. I don't think it effected my sex drive but it did seem to make my dick a little less hard than it used to be. It gradually got better but I don't think I will ever be as hard as often as I used to be. Still, it doesn't stop me now and I still want more sex than my wife does. I am on a fairly small dose though. I would think that a man getting an erection is what makes him the most interested in sex and if he is on a high enough dose where he doesn't get it up like he used to then he might not be interested as much anymore. I actually talked to my doctor about this and he said if my body didn't get adjusted to the med he could try a different one. I never did as things aren't too different now than they used to be. It's possible the med has made him a little impotent for lack of a better word and he is having an emotionally hard time accepting this so it is easier to just say no. I would try my best to look at the med situation and see what you can do about it. My first wife went on antidepressants which killed her fairly low sex drive and things were very frustrating for me. It didn't actually cause our divorce but our sex life sure wasn't very good due to it.

 

[manim]

I think it's great to get a male perspective on this issue for flowerpetals. However, I'm a little puzzled by the fact that you 'resented' your wife for your high sex drive when you were 18 to 21 yrs old? I don't understand the logic behind that, although I realize that logic doesn't always play a role in male/female interactions, lol.

Also, could you explain, from the male point of view, how her desire could be causing her partner to resist? I'm not saying that you are wrong, just that it was an unexpected response.

Sorry - I wasn't clear about this - I was married two weeks before I turned 19 (yes we are still married nearly 20 years later). My comment wasn't that I resented her for my strong sex drive - it was that she couldn't satisfy me enough and we had made a committment to be sexually exclusive by getting married (I think I would have needed sex more than once a day to be satisfied but before marriage we did have sex more).

The second point I tried to make is that resenting your partner is pointless and destructive. I find other outlets (like this site) to try to lessen the pressure I put on my wife which makes it easier for me to lessen my own resentment towards her in areas where I would normally focus on my own needs.

As far as the male point of view (I don't think it matters male or female) for why the agressor in a relationship causes the other person to become the subordinate an therefore less likely to initiate sex? I could be way of base in her situation. But perhaps you can see it this way, assuming you have children, when a child asks for candy repeatedly you get annoyed and less likely to give it to him or you give in to make him stop. This cycle degenerates the parent child relationship until resentment builds.

Since I'm not a psychologist I'll stop there and say "I think" that being the agressor in a relationship causes the other partner to take the role of being pursued - for men that could be a good thing but have you women ever resisted the approaches of a man or even more likely waited for the man to make the first move because he always does?