soon to be divorced question

[gmtech1980]

Im sorry if this sounds stupid, but I've been out of the "game" for 14 years. So in a month or so, I will be single. Im wanting to date, and would enjoy some "fooling around" at some point. But, I personally feel intercourse should wait untill we establish a good relationship. I waited 6 years for my current wife, and I didn't mind doing that, we also had a lot of fun too. So my question, mainly for the ladies. How do I approach the subject, without making you mad(thinking there is something wrong with you) or making it seem Im not into girls? Or should I scrap my idea of waiting and just go with the flow? I really enjoy everything about sex, just not sure how this subject is approached from a date stand point? Keep in mind, I started dating my wife when I was 15, so Im sure things change when your 30. Any advice would be helpfull!
james

 

[Athalia]

Or should I scrap my idea of waiting and go with the flow?

Well, you could ask her. Be honest with her, say what you want to do, listen to her response, and respect what she says. Don't ask for too much all at once, just a little at a time. ("May I kiss you?" is a good start.) Let the slow discovery be part of the game.

Definitely, sex should wait until the lab report comes back.

 

[VelvetSin]

It's a personal choice of yours and if that's what feels right to you, then that's the way you should go. I don't think it's as unusual as you may think. Others make the same decision for all sorts of reasons. You may not be in the majority but that doesn't make it wrong.

I was celibate for a period of time while working through some personal business, and I'm not sure how different it is for men versus women but it wasn't a problem. I usually mentioned it before accepting the invitation so there were no expectations of something physical, and was never told "oh well, never mind." There was no shortage willing to go out without that possibility. You would be surprised how many respectful, reasonable people there are in the world. (I think a fairly small handful of pigs make us far more cynical than is really needed.)

The reason I mention a difference between women and men is that I think some of those men said they were fine with it while thinking either I was just being coy, or they would be the one to "break the dry spell" as they saw it. I think most women would be more respectful so long as you are up front and make it known early that's how you work. In fact, I think many women would find it refreshing. Try to mention it early, hopefully before the date so there's no thought that she did something wrong and is being rejected, but only if you can work it in comfortably. It's much easier to do if you're the one being asked out.

 

[SweetErika]

It's a personal choice of yours and if that's what feels right to you, then that's the way you should go. I don't think it's as unusual as you may think. Others make the same decision for all sorts of reasons. You may not be in the majority but that doesn't make it wrong.

I was celibate for a period of time while working through some personal business, and I'm not sure how different it is for men versus women but it wasn't a problem. I usually mentioned it before accepting the invitation so there were no expectations of something physical, and was never told "oh well, never mind." There was no shortage willing to go out without that possibility. You would be surprised how many respectful, reasonable people there are in the world. (I think a fairly small handful of pigs make us far more cynical than is really needed.)

The reason I mention a difference between women and men is that I think some of those men said they were fine with it while thinking either I was just being coy, or they would be the one to "break the dry spell" as they saw it. I think most women would be more respectful so long as you are up front and make it known early that's how you work. In fact, I think many women would find it refreshing. Try to mention it early, hopefully before the date so there's no thought that she did something wrong and is being rejected, but only if you can work it in comfortably. It's much easier to do if you're the one being asked out.

Well said!

I'd definitely find it refreshing and a very welcome change to the man pushing for sex (even when he swears he's happy to wait ). I don't know if I'd wait for years, but I'd prefer to wait until a truly solid, caring relationship--and even love--develops.

Put it out there at a relevant time early on, and look for women who have similar goals.

Best of luck!

 

[infinity706]

Well said!

I'd definitely find it refreshing and a very welcome change to the man pushing for sex (even when he swears he's happy to wait ). I don't know if I'd wait for years, but I'd prefer to wait until a truly solid, caring relationship--and even love--develops.

Put it out there at a relevant time early on, and look for women who have similar goals.

Best of luck!

Well, I've still been waiting on a special friend of mine and it's been close to 4 years. I finally decided to take a hint and ask her out on a date back in March, since she's the "good girl" type that would never, ever lay a finger on a guy without him making the first move. We've gone out on 16 dates and I actually asked for a kiss on the second one. She told me that there wasn't going to be any sex unless she changed her mind, because I'm too young. I just told her that's perfectly fine and when she's ready, she can seduce me herself. It's not like I'm going to say no.

 

[MsGoodBody]

.....

 

[cf23430]

I am curious - how does one bring up the subject of testing and the results? Seems very awkward but then again I've been in a relationship for 20 years so all of it would be new to me now.

THat is a good question. I am heading out in the unknown relatively pretty quickly...kind of unsure of myself at the moment.

 

[NomadLady]

THat is a good question. I am heading out in the unknown relatively pretty quickly...kind of unsure of myself at the moment.

In the past I've kept a copy of my last test for any new partner that asks. If you have yours handy...half of the equation is done!!!

 

[SweetErika]

I am curious - how does one bring up the subject of testing and the results? Seems very awkward but then again I've been in a relationship for 20 years so all of it would be new to me now.

I'd say something like, "If you don't mind my asking, when was your last STI panel and what were the results? Would you be willing to have another before we're intimate?"

I've never gotten a bad reaction from asking or being asked that way.

However, I think a lot of people put way too much stock in these tests and erroneously use them as a substitute for safer sex practices. I'd like to know my partner's general health status and that s/he cares enough about him/herself to be tested regularly, but in the end, the results don't mean much unless there's a positive on something like HIV among them.

 

[Warranted]

My thoughts would be complete honesty. Tell the prospective lady you are interested in moving to the next stage, but want to ensure the safety of both of you. Suggest testing to ensure this. If she is unwilling to have this done, mutually, then you might be better off moving along as this is likely a sign of other as yet undiscovered incompatibilities.


-Warranted

 

[ivantheterrible]

my experience. i was married for 16 yrs.. i jumped into a relationship a month after i left my ex (2008) with a young lady 20 yers younger. it was all about fun, sex, and hanging out. lasted for a few months.
i told myself i'm not jumping into anything else for awhile.
met someone online this past january, finally met up in may of this year. well, we clicked mentally very well, but the sex was not the greatest. we both failed to really tell each other what we liked in sex, and it fell apart.
it's very difficult, at least from my point of view, for a divorced man to get back into a relationship. it seems that it is easy for a woman. once the blood of the marriage is in the water, the sharks come swimming for her.
just be patient, don't get into the mentality of today that it is the end of the world being alone. if you can't live with yourself, who can you live with?

 

[gmtech1980]

Im gonna be real honest. Some days Im looking forward to dating, and then sometimes it scares the living hell out of me. I see myself as a "family guy". I hate the bar scene, wont sky dive , I just want a normal hard working person to come home to. You guys have given some great advice though!
james

 

[ivantheterrible]

scares me too. i live in a remote area. and i don't go to bars, or church, and there are next to nothing in the avenues of meeting someone. i deal with it, live with it, and am becoming very comfortable with myself.
i refuse to settle ever again, or go against what i believe or feel about.

 

[gmtech1980]

I can understand that. I gave way to much in my marriage. I know both parties have to bend, but my god! For me right now, I would love to have a "hang out" friend. I just get so bored sometimes. I will get better once this divorce thing is final, which is about a month away.
james

 

[ivantheterrible]

take your time. don't rush anything. i know about boredom, do i ever. if it wasn't for the net, i'd be talking to the dogs or the trees.

 

[SweetErika]

I can understand that. I gave way to much in my marriage. I know both parties have to bend, but my god! For me right now, I would love to have a "hang out" friend. I just get so bored sometimes. I will get better once this divorce thing is final, which is about a month away.
james

Have you sought out new people and activities to fix your boredom? Like maybe you could take a class on something that's always interested you, join a book club, sports or recreation group, etc.

The rule of thumb is to wait a year after the divorce is final to get into any kind of relationship. By then, most people are sufficiently healed and not on the rebound so much. So, I'd suggest sticking that year (or more, if you need it) out, and focusing on making friends and feeding your interests in the meantime.

 

[rowseyone]

As someone single after (gulp) eighteen years, this has been a helpful thread. I am moving to a new state and will be able to explore and meeting people will be part of that. I dont plan on jumping into anything serious right off.

 

[Mz_Scarlett]

I think you've received some very wise words thus far, but thought I'd throw my two cents in as well

What's important is to make sure you're honest about what you're looking for and what you want when meeting new people. Sweet Erika has a good point about waiting for at least a year before getting into a new relationship, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't date and meet new people in the interim

Most of the dating websites (if you go that route) have an option for casual or short term relationships- that's an easy way to connect with other people of like mind. And absolutely, before you jump into something sexual, make sure you get both yourself and your partner tested- and then still use a condom.

As far as how long to wait, that's personal, but I still thinking waiting until you have a real connection and truly care about the person you're with provides for the best sex- and the amount of time that takes, or how it comes about- can vary.

I wish you the very best in having a gracious and positive ending to this chapter in your life and a beautiful beginning to the new one!

 

[nonimura65]

Just a suggestion check in your area for a singles events/activities club. Most operate with the explicit understanding that they are not a dating service. They just arrange things like horseback riding trips, tours, concerts and such for singles.

 

[rowseyone]

As stated above there singles groups/clubs. If you have kids, there are groups for single parents, not a dating service but for support and advice. Many of these groups host events for both the adults and children, so the kids can be with other who have been through similar events.