Song Lyrics...any feedback?

[cremebrulee]

I do not consider myself to be a poet or for that matter
even a good writer at all! LOL

BUT~ I do write songs. I have written several that are often requested and wondered if anyone else here has had experience with writing lyrics or would be interestd in looking at mine for feedback. I could use some constructive criticism, etc........

Thanks for your time,
~Creme

 

[Angeline]

Hi Creme

Love the name--and the dessert, lol. Welcome to the poetry board. I wrote some lyrics with a musician pal years ago. I think for the most part lyrics and poetry--Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen, and a few others notwithstanding--are different breeds. I don't expect lyrics to feel poetic, but I love it when they do. If you'd like to post the lyrics for a song here, I'd be glad to review and give you feedback.

If you'd rather email them, that's fine too.

Angeline
eos_d@hotmail.com

 

[Lauren Hynde]

There's a Britcom called League of Gentlemen, where one of the characters' sole purpose in life seemed to be to invoke the good old times when he was in his youth band, called "crème brûlée". I think they once played at Eurovision, in the 70's.

We've had some threads with song lyrics that very much belong in a poetry forum. I'm looking forward to see some of your lyrics, Creme.

 

[cremebrulee]

Thanks for the responses. I was actually a little unseasy, considering that this is a poetry board and all. Some folks get pretty particular about their art, understandably so at times...

Here is one of my songs. I undertand that it loses some things in the translation from a musical piece to simply written word, but I will be happy to take al the constructive criticism I can get.
Thanks.


MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION

I’ve got this Magnificent Obsession with the way you look at me
The way it makes me feel all tied up and the way that sets me free
And the color of your eyes, oh they’re blue like the skies
And they’re green like the sea, yeah
I’ve got this Magnificent Obsession with the way you
Look at me

I’ve got this Magnificent Obsession with the way you talk to me
About life about death about the taste of my breath as you give it back to me
And the sound of your voice, oh it gives me no choice
It brings me down to my knees, yeah
I’ve got this Magnificent Obsession with the way you
Talk to me

~Chorus~
Don’t leave me knocking on your front door
Or throwing rocks at your window or stealing around
Your back stairs for more
Take me in, pin me down
Feel the thunder, hold me under , fill me up
Until I drown

I’ve got this Magnificent Obsession with the way you make me feel
Like a poet, like an angel , so smoothe and so strange
It’s like satin on cold hard steel
Make me weak, make me strong, I can’t take it too long
You’re like a drug ~ this seems so surrealistic
This Magnificent Obsession with the way you
Make me feel

~Chorus~

I’ve got this Magnificent Obsession,
Magnificent Obsession, Magnificent Obsession
With you…

 

[cremebrulee]

And most recently THE JOURNEY, a song witten after months of writers block. I had a friend mention that it was a tad morbid and that he hoped it was NOT about suicide. I think it is more about the old me dying, my letting go of who I was so I could move on still knowing I would be a different person after I did. See, I had this back injury and I live with chronic pain (two years now...) and my carreer has been at the very least put on hold.

Nuffa that....
This one REALLY loses some in the translation as there is lot of "oooh"s and soft Iroquois chanting betweeen the verses.
Thanks for taking the time to lok at it.



THE JOURNEY

On the wings of the Hawk I am soaring
To a place far away from this pain
With my voice like an ocean I’m roaring
I rejoice in my freedom again


On the wings of the Hawk I am leaving
I don’t know when I will return
I must pray for the souls who are grieving
For the ashes of those who have burned


I am flying tonight to the Heavens
Now the Hawk and my Spirit are one
Do not weep , my love, for my parting
My Journey has only begun

 

[Maria2394]

magnificent obsession

I liked your song... I could almost hear Dan Fogelburg singing it

 

[cremebrulee]

Wow, Dan Fogelberg? Thanks!

I just figured out that (DUH, Me) you could actually LISTEN to the song if you wanted to see how the words fit the music. Magnificent Obsession is at the HEAR ME SING link in my sig. The other one has not been recorded yet, tho...

Thanks again for taking a look.

If anyone wants to cantact me via email for the feedback part, feel free. It's mewzikm@aol.com

~Creme

 

[Evangeline]

Wow, Dan Fogelberg? Thanks!

I just figured out that (DUH, Me) you could actually LISTEN to the song if you wanted to see how the words fit the music. Magnificent Obsession is at the HEAR ME SING link in my sig. The other one has not been recorded yet, tho...

Thanks again for taking a look.

If anyone wants to cantact me via email for the feedback part, feel free. It's mewzikm@aol.com

~Creme

well, first I read the lyrics and then I went and listened to it.

When I read it, in my mind I heard Matchbox 20 and it was faster and much more of a rock song.

I really like the lyrics. After hearing the song, I think it would work as a slow, smoky jazz number with a piano, think Norah Jones, or still faster as a rock song like Matchbox 20.

good luck!
E-

 

[cremebrulee]

Originally posted by Evangeline
well, first I read the lyrics and then I went and listened to it.

I really like the lyrics. After hearing the song, I think it would work as a slow, smoky jazz number with a piano, think Norah Jones, or still faster as a rock song like Matchbox 20.

good luck!
E-

Thanks for the input, E...
I am going to be re-recording this song in a few weeks and was actually thinking about making it a bit slower and adding a bit of a jazz sound to it. You have just confirmed that for me! I have a bass player and soft acoustic lead guitar as well as a woman who plays the most REMARKABLE jazz/classical/rock violin joining me. I'll be recording it live with friends this time, the way I like it best. Studio messes with the reality of a person's sound too much. The original CD was just me playing, this one will be different to say the least!

~Creme

 

[cremebrulee]

WHAT IF?

Here are some lyrics that have been touted as being a bit contrived. I have no idea how to fix them. LOL, again, I am a musician not a poet or a magician....
Also, the song itself is at the link in my sig. This one will be re-recorded with a band. I can share the story if anyone is interested....



WHAT IF


What if the sky was fallin and a little piece of it fell on you,
Would you stop and shout, oh think about it, what would you do,
what would you do

What if all the time on your hands started slippin on through the cracks
Would you seize the day, kneel and pray, when there’s no turning back,
no there’s no turning back


~CHORUS~
What if you‘ve already got (what if you got what you’re looking for)

What if it’s a dream and you scream (without a sound)

What if it’s possible to fall with both feet planted on the ground



What if all the dreams you had already had come true
Would you recognize it, analyze it, what would you do,
what would you do

What if the love you were looking for was staring you right in the face
Would you caution yourself, put her on a shelf, try to run without a trace
Yeah, run without a trace


~CHORUS 2X~

 

[cremebrulee]

*BUMPING*

Next CD project is coming up soon...looking to refine or redo some of these lyrics. Thanks
~Creme

 

[cremebrulee]

BUMPING

Hullo?

 

[Maria2394]

lyrics

hmmm... I cant seem to get my computer to link up with your, um, link. Anyway, I met a guy a while back, read something of mine, ( i dont know what it was) but he asked me to write some lyrics for him. We have since lost touch...( Robert from Tampa, e-mail me!!!)

But, I digress, sorry, I started a poem last night and when I am done, maybe you could use it and put some music to it. I used to play guitar... (quit for personal reasons). If you are interested, let me know....

till later, M

 

[Rybka]

I do not know anything about converting poetry to song, however I suspect you can get away with "weaker" verse (or more contrivance) in a song. If I were writing a poem and wanted to keep as much of your current work as I could, I might make some changes as below. Words I would change are blue in parentheses, replacements are in red brackets. I really do not like the last stanza, but this is the best I could do at the moment.
I hope at least some of this gives you an idea or two.

Regards, Rybka

**************************************

WHAT IF


What if the sky was fallin and a little piece (of it) fell on you,
Would you stop and shout, oh think about (it), what would you do,
what would you do

What if all the time on your hands started slippin on through the cracks
Would you seize the day, [or] kneel and pray, when there’s no turning back,
(no) [Oh,] there’s no turning back


~CHORUS~
What if you‘ve already got (what if you got what you’re looking for)
[What if you've already got (whatever it is that you're looking for)]

What if it’s a dream and you scream (without a sound)
[What if it's all a dream and you scream (and there's no sound)]

What if it’s possible to fall with both feet planted on the ground



What if all the dreams you ['ve] had already (had) [have] come true
Would you (recognize) [know] it, [even show] (analyze) it, what would you do,
what would you do

What if the love you were (looking)[searching] for was (staring) (looking) you right in the (face) (eye)
Would you (caution) [restrain] yourself, put (her)[love] on a shelf, (try to run without a trace)[run away and cry]
Yeah, (try to run without a trace)[run away and cry]


~CHORUS 2X~

 

[cremebrulee]

Re: lyrics

Originally posted by Maria2394
hmmm... I cant seem to get my computer to link up with your, um, link. Anyway, I met a guy a while back, read something of mine, ( i dont know what it was) but he asked me to write some lyrics for him. We have since lost touch...( Robert from Tampa, e-mail me!!!)

But, I digress, sorry, I started a poem last night and when I am done, maybe you could use it and put some music to it. I used to play guitar... (quit for personal reasons). If you are interested, let me know....

till later, M

Sometimes the blody link is so slooooooowwwwwww. Sorry.

I'd love to take a look at your poem when it's ready. Keep me posted~
my email is mewzikm@aol.com

Ciao
~Creme

 

[cremebrulee]

Originally posted by Rybka
I do not know anything about converting poetry to song, however I suspect you can get away with "weaker" verse (or more contrivance) in a song. If I were writing a poem and wanted to keep as much of your current work as I could, I might make some changes as below. Words I would change are blue in parentheses, replacements are in red brackets. I really do not like the last stanza, but this is the best I could do at the moment.
I hope at least some of this gives you an idea or two.

Regards, Rybka

Lots of ideas here , Rybka~
I understand that translation between what would be poetically correct and what flows musically are two different things at times.
You brought several things to my attention that I will look into.
I sincerely appreciate the help.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

 

[cremebrulee]

I will be recording my next CD project on the 15th of July (tentatively) and really have appreciated the help I have gotten here at Lit.
Thanks again to all who have listened to my songs and read the lyrics as well as given great feedback. I truly appreciate it!

~K

 

[cremebrulee]

Revving it back up again

Just trying to get this bumped up as the new CD is finished and I need a bit of feedback. One of the tunes is up on the link below, can only post two tunes there since I am not a paid subscriber anymore. I'll post more lyrics as soon as I can get enough time together


Thanks,
~Creme

 

[Icingsugar]

Re: Revving it back up again

Just trying to get this bumped up as the new CD is finished and I need a bit of feedback. One of the tunes is up on the link below, can only post two tunes there since I am not a paid subscriber anymore. I'll post more lyrics as soon as I can get enough time together


Thanks,
~Creme

Howdy,

I wasn't around last time this was brought up, but I went in and took a peek at your songs. Good stuff.

With that voice, you know what I'd love to hear? There's a powerful theatrical range in the voice on those two songs that were up for grabs, and a powerful lyrics to match them. The best parts of the songs IMO are those short seconds here and there where it ups the energy a bit and gets a little, you know, gritty.

I haven't got the fist clue of how the rest of the album sounds like. But if here are louder, less held back elements on there, I'd love to hear them.


Huh, was that about the song lyrics? Well, naah, but I'm first and foremost a music freak.

cheers and best of luck,
/Ice

 

[eagleyez]

Re: Re: Revving it back up again

Howdy,

I wasn't around last time this was brought up, but I went in and took a peek at your songs. Good stuff.

With that voice, you know what I'd love to hear? There's a powerful theatrical range in the voice on those two songs that were up for grabs, and a powerful lyrics to match them. The best parts of the songs IMO are those short seconds here and there where it ups the energy a bit and gets a little, you know, gritty.

I haven't got the fist clue of how the rest of the album sounds like. But if here are louder, less held back elements on there, I'd love to hear them.


Huh, was that about the song lyrics? Well, naah, but I'm first and foremost a music freak.


i agree with Ice

write frearlessly,
tenderly
music delivers the goods
cuz it make you wiggle (dance)
cheers and best of luck,
/Ice

 

[eagleyez]

Re: Re: Re: Revving it back up again

i seem to have malfunctioned

that sway will make the burn go away...

temporary like achilles...

 

[cremebrulee]

Thanks for the input, I love the gritty stuff myself...

I have a hard time holding back when it gets to the honest stuff, the rest of the album is varies and eclectic.

here's some words, PLEASE send any feedback... remembering these are lyrics and have to fit the music, but still are poetry in a sense. I really don't have a songwriters board to post on and since some of the lyrics are more sensual, this site is my favorite.
This song was written after waking from a dream. Long story, I'll share if you want........

Thanks,

~Creme


OCTOBER WIND

WHAT WOULD BE SO WRONG, IF WE LINGERED WHERE A WHILE
YOU LOOK IN MY EYES, I WON’T TURN AWAY THIS TIME
LET’S SEE WHAT WE MIGHT FIND
What would be so wrong? What would be so wrong

WOULD IT BE SO BAD, IF YOU ASKED ME IN TO STAY
NOT FOR ETERNITY, JUST FOR A MOMENT ~ SEE,
I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY…

WHAT WOULD BE SO BAD? WOULD IT BE SO BAD?


WHAT WOULD BE SO WRONG, IF WE HELD EACH OTHER NEAR
THE OCTOBER WINDS CARESSING OUR BODIES
TIL ALL OF THE PAIN FROM THE PAST DISAPPEARS

WOULD IT BE SO WRONG? WHAT WOULD BE SO WRONG

~SHORT INSTRUMENTAL~

WOULD IT BE SO BAD, IF YOUR LIPS AT LAST MET MINE
LOST IN THE MOMENT, TASTING THE FANTASY,
EMBRACING A MEMORY WE’VE NEVER HAD

WHAT WOULD BE SO BAD? WHAT WOULD BE SO BAD

~INSTRUMENTAL~

BUT YOU LOOK IN MY EYES, AND IT’S ONLY FOR A MOMENT
WHILE I HOLD YOU CLOSE IN THE OCTOBER WIND OF MY DREAMS
TIL I WAKE WITH A KISS FROM A SONG
OH, WHAT WOULD BE SO WRONG? WOULD IT BE SO WRONG
WOULD IT BE SO WRONG?

WOULD IT BE……………..?

(INSTRUMENTAL TO END)

 

[Machiavellian]

I do not consider myself to be a poet or for that matter
even a good writer at all! LOL

BUT~ I do write songs. I have written several that are often requested and wondered if anyone else here has had experience with writing lyrics or would be interestd in looking at mine for feedback. I could use some constructive criticism, etc........

Thanks for your time,
~Creme

Listening to them - they definately are good.
However, in my opinion it sounds like you are almost holding back. (not meant to be bad feedback - if you take it that way) but I am certian that your voice sounds strong but can be stronger. Fond Best wishes sent.

 

[cremebrulee]

Re: Re: Song Lyrics...any feedback?

Originally posted by Machiavellian
Listening to them - they definately are good.
However, in my opinion it sounds like you are almost holding back. (not meant to be bad feedback - if you take it that way) but I am certian that your voice sounds strong but can be stronger. Fond Best wishes sent.

Thank you, Mach.
I am happy to hear EVERYTHING, not always positive stuff as the constructive criticism is what helps me to better myself. Yes, at times I do hold back (vocally at least ), but other times I have been accused of cutting loose too much! Ironic........ I am currently doing some work with a small jazz group and they want me to hold back on the growly, belting stuff. When I work with a rock band or solo, they all want the opposite. Believe it or not I was classically trained as a soprano.
Can never have too many facets to your life, huh?

Thanks again, I will keep working on refining and so forth.


~Creme