Something Stars Something Summer

I have felt unbearably restless lately. Part of me thinks it’s depression settling in again - ok, most of me, but then there’s a part of me that’s not just listless and bored and unmotivated it’s that everything at my disposal seems lacks the ability to light any sort of fire in me. I’m so used to hyper focusing on things to distract myself. There’s always been something. If not something new, something old I would fall back into. But everything just seems so mind numbingly boring and unrewarding. When I first got into app dating it was addicting. But I’ve quickly lost my taste for making those connections that fizzle and go no where. I’m so tired of getting some banter and real conversation going with someone and feel the hope of something real only to have it putter out, or worse, upon meeting them just feel absolutely nothing. I hate having to give the ‘thanks, I had a nice time but really don’t feel anything talk. It comes from my deep seated aversion to disappointing people. But I am absolutely over living to make others happy. I am at capacity for doing so. But I still absolutely loathe the idea of bumming out some perfectly nice fellow because of my unreasonable(?) or fucked up(?) standards. I want someone intelligent and deep, not broken, but scarred, animated and witty, complicated and honest and someone who will unabashedly adore me but can also live without me. Someone kind and compassionate but not afraid of poking me and getting dark.

I don’t know how this turned into a personal ad. Not my intention. Honestly, probably because no matter how over it I feel he is always on my mind and I am desperately looking for a bandage to cover that wound. Always is a stretch. There are times I think of him and get a little shocked at how long it’s been since the last time I thought of him. But fuck. It still fucking hurts and I’m tired of it.

Annnnyway. In case you all thought I was just some sexy tease who had my shit together...a rant worthy of any high schooler’s Tumblr (or whatever the kids are using these days) seemed due. Welcome to the show.

What a interesting door 🚪 you opened to share with , using the written word. It suits you , honesty and standards.

:devil:
 
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