Something I'm working on

[Guest]

lady bathes alone
a curve of sweetened cream
adorned golden, curled.
parted lips betray hidden
scorned petals yearn, scent denied

wander wolf prowls
Ronin - insatiable
towers, silvered, spare
master in sinew, bone, in lust
eyes burn through thin skin veneer

honeyed growl purrs
parchment from behind the screen
her face, stained crimson

a thousand tiny bells ring
when she laughs - one dissonant
when she sings - a note
discontent, sobbing, throbbing
ear cocked for a wild breath

subtle seduction
proud shadow upon the screen
growls night music
tales of prowess, his great need
teeth and lolling tongue displayed


hypnotized by night
claws rake secret desire
her robe falls away

Kind of wonder if this type of formatting is working, as well - I know "proper" haiku/tanka really isn't based on secular subjects, tending more towards nature/spiritualism..

Thoughts?

 

[Liar]

I have no good grasp of the formatting of haiku and tanka, but in general, your formatting works very well for me.

A good poem, but if it's haiku you're after, you are dealing way too much in direct metaphor ("a thosand tiny bells ring") and expressed emotion to be haiku. The trick to haiku is that it's only swift (as swift as possible) description of real world objects and events. If those then symbolize something bigger, so be it.

Not too versed in tanka to comment. But it seems to be freer in content.

But tanka, haiku or just free verse poetry, it's a good poem. Eloquent, compact, sexy. Kudos.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Some of the metaphors - I love "wander wolf" especially - remind me of Anglo-Saxon kennings. And I am such an entire fool for those. It's deliciously rank and supple with delicate little notes of contrast.