Something a bit different
- Thread starter Serathi
- Start date
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
- Joined
- May 20, 2007
- Posts
- 15,794
You could take out the 'as' s and the 'like' after 'kisses' also a good many of the 'the's especially here
'the leaves grow red
the air grows cold'
Hope this makes sense!
'the leaves grow red
the air grows cold'
Hope this makes sense!
poetedge5455
Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2009
- Posts
- 83
I agree with UYS. The articles (as the) make it read in a gray zone for me. If you eliminate them as she said, it makes the line breaks more powerful and mor logical, if that makes sense. With the articles, I feel the line breaks are jarring. But if the lines are less prose-y, (sans as, the) then the line breaks ADD to the piece.
Other than that, I think it is perfect. Very nice pastiche.
Other than that, I think it is perfect. Very nice pastiche.
