Some thoughts if anyone has time<g>

[Remec]

I was going to leave this on the thread annaswirls started about putting back the erotica, but I feel this might not be complete yet and wanted to throw it out for some thoughts and comments/suggestions...

Basically, I took what she said and ran with it...opening a new folder and typing until thoughts said stop, then coming in this evening and typing, retyping, and amending what I did yesterday until the momentum slowed once more...

So, anyways, here we go....there's no title yet...




Cool breeze,
dog tugging on her leash,
my eyes lose their focus
as I listen
to words both uninvited
and
unexpected.

She spoke of us.
Until then,
I'd not thought there was an us.
But,
as I listened,
I felt myself revealed
in the questions
she had
of me.

We began as friends,
no...names
just names on a screen
typing words
(trivialities, really)
between us
that spoke of what we liked and disliked,
wanted, feared, and, even,
desired.
Nonsense strings of fleeting thoughts
became implied needs
that grew longer and longer
over the days
until weeks had become months,
and idle phrase sentences
that swelled into
dreams.

She was my own muse.
But only while I slept
or wrote.

In time, we were friends.
More than friends,
the way I caressed her round hips,
held her to me and kissed her open mouth
while she sat upon me
riding me
nails scarring my back...
virtually, anyways.

What was that first thought?
When we finally met?
Did I know
even then
how much I wanted her?
To muss her striving to be perfect hair,
Undo the zipper on the warmup jacket
revealing the curves
my thoughts had drawn hands over so many times
wondering why she hid them
reveling in how they felt beneath my real fingers
against my palms,
To kneel before those wondrous orbs and take them into my mouth,
savoring the mix of salt and perfume,
breathing in the blend of flowers and sweat,
curl my tongue about the hard tips of pink flesh
that had sprung up on hearing my name
as I was introduced from across the room,

I think I had wanted her long before that,
but I missed when wanting became needing.

 

[WickedEve]

Usually, any poem about online romance makes me cringe. I read your poem and didn't cringe, so that's a good sign. Oh, I did cringe over the wondrous orbs, though. I mean, how you feel if I said "glorious globes swinging between his manly legs"? Other than that, you have some good material to work with.

 

[Angeline]

Usually, any poem about online romance makes me cringe. I read your poem and didn't cringe, so that's a good sign. Oh, I did cringe over the wondrous orbs, though. I mean, how you feel if I said "glorious globes swinging between his manly legs"? Other than that, you have some good material to work with.

I thought it was sexy. I would not think that about "glorious globes swinging..." That would make me snicker. Ok, I snickered. But the orbs part was not bad. What else can you call them? (I mean i know, lotsa things, but...).

Oh man. Tath is gonna come in this thread and ridicule me, lol.

Anyway Remec, I liked it a lot though what do I know? Maybe Eve is right about the orbs.

I don't like the last two lines though. I think it ends a lot stronger on "room."

 

[average gina]

I sent my two cents to you privately.

"Orbs" is the best one that can tactfully, descriptively work without being crass or saying "breasts". But then, "breasts" could have been used. "The whopping twins" or the "Kentucky bootleg jugs" could not have been used.

If you want it to hang, cut the two lines off. If you want it to reflect, leave them on.

Oh yeah, your short poems in "the perfect ten" thread and your haikus simply rock!

 

[WickedEve]

I thought it was sexy. I would not think that about "glorious globes swinging..." That would make me snicker. Ok, I snickered. But the orbs part was not bad. What else can you call them? (I mean i know, lotsa things, but...).

Oh man. Tath is gonna come in this thread and ridicule me, lol.

Anyway Remec, I liked it a lot though what do I know? Maybe Eve is right about the orbs.

I don't like the last two lines though. I think it ends a lot stronger on "room."

I know it's difficult to name body parts, and you don't want to say hooters, but something about orbs... Maybe it's because I watched a movie, with mystical, glowing orbs. I think I had that image in my mind. Glowing orbs inside a bra. lol

 

[Angeline]

I know it's difficult to name body parts, and you don't want to say hooters, but something about orbs... Maybe it's because I watched a movie, with mystical, glowing orbs. I think I had that image in my mind. Glowing orbs inside a bra. lol

I just checked. My hooters um orbs aren't glowing. Maybe after the exercises...

(God. I'm afraid the trainer is going to make them bench press 70 pounds this morning. Tell me again this is good for me...)

 

[WickedEve]

I just checked. My hooters um orbs aren't glowing. Maybe after the exercises...

(God. I'm afraid the trainer is going to make them bench press 70 pounds this morning. Tell me again this is good for me...)

It's good for you but you'll end up with big bulging muscles and you'll frighten ee when the airplane spin gets out of hand.

 

[Remec]

I know it's difficult to name body parts, and you don't want to say hooters, but something about orbs... Maybe it's because I watched a movie, with mystical, glowing orbs. I think I had that image in my mind. Glowing orbs inside a bra. lol

hehehe
Well, not glowing, per se, but certainly a mystical feeling the first time I opened her shirt and saw then sitting...straining...against her bra. <g>

But, I think I'm going to change that word anyways...poetically, for me anyways, orbs are more likely to be eyes than tits (not sure why the word came out like that, but it scans wrong on rereading this morning)...and her eyes were always so lovely.

(I'm sure they still are, but we ended badly and the last several times I've run across her they were furrowed and full of a glare of blame and recrimination. <sigh>)

 

[Remec]

I sent my two cents to you privately.

"Orbs" is the best one that can tactfully, descriptively work without being crass or saying "breasts". But then, "breasts" could have been used. "The whopping twins" or the "Kentucky bootleg jugs" could not have been used.

If you want it to hang, cut the two lines off. If you want it to reflect, leave them on.

Oh yeah, your short poems in "the perfect ten" thread and your haikus simply rock!

So I saw...lots of nice thoughts and ideas, thanks...was a wonderful thing to come across first thing in the morning.

I'm not sure what I want it to do, actually...the original idea was to go from where she first mentions that she might have feelings for me and we begin out affair with shadowing of how it ended, but prolly not going into that part of it...we'll see what spills out and trim it back from there...<g>

<smile>
<short bow>
Thanks...certainly something fun to do and play with...I used to have a bunch of haikus (mostly standard 5-7-5, but some variants I made up too) around somewhere, but wasn't sure about putting them up here...

 

[Angeline]

It's good for you but you'll end up with big bulging muscles and you'll frighten ee when the airplane spin gets out of hand.

I'm pretty sure I scare him already, mainly because of the muscle in my head, which gets too much damn exercise.

 

[average gina]

So I saw...lots of nice thoughts and ideas, thanks...was a wonderful thing to come across first thing in the morning.

I'm not sure what I want it to do, actually...the original idea was to go from where she first mentions that she might have feelings for me and we begin out affair with shadowing of how it ended, but prolly not going into that part of it...we'll see what spills out and trim it back from there...<g>

I think that is why I didn't mention anything about the last two lines in my private message. I got the sense that the bulk of the poem was a memory and the last two lines were a current reflection. Maybe if in the last line, you put 'missed' in the present tense, it might make the reflection stronger.

But I'm still a peon poetry-wise.

When you gonna put out? Uhmmm, the edited version that is...

 

[Remec]

I think that is why I didn't mention anything about the last two lines in my private message. I got the sense that the bulk of the poem was a memory and the last two lines were a current reflection. Maybe if in the last line, you put 'missed' in the present tense, it might make the reflection stronger.

But I'm still a peon poetry-wise.

When you gonna put out? Uhmmm, the edited version that is...

hehehe Well, how about now? Version 1.3 (so I didn't put out the intervening ones...<g>)



A cool breeze blew
across us both,
while Ruby tug at her leash,
and my eyes lost their focus
as I listened
to her words
uninvited,
unexpected,
by me.

We sat on a bench,
simple,
wooden,
and the light wind carried
what she said,
complex,
golden,
to me.

She spoke of us.
Until then,
I'd not thought there was an us.
But,
as I listened,
I felt myself revealed
in the questions
she had
for me.

It wasn't your usual friendship,
We were simply names on a screen,
typing trivialities 'tween one another;
likes,
dislikes,
fears,
desires.

But the seeming nonsense
became real thoughts,
harboring implied needs,
that grew
until weeks had become months,
and phrases,
dreams.

She was my own muse.
But only while I slept
or wrote.
And, even then,
she was someone else's.

In time, we were friends.
More than friends.
The way I caressed her round hips,
held her to me and kissed her open mouth
while she sat upon me
riding me
nails scarring my back...
virtually, anyways.

What did I think
when we finally met?
Did I know right then
how much I wanted her?
To muss her striving-to-be-perfect hair,
to undo the zipper on the warmup jacket
and reveal the curves I had handled,
so many times.
in my thoughts.
Wondering why she hid them,
reveling in how they felt
to real fingers,
pressed against actual palms.
To kneel before her,
opening my mouth to each breast in turn,
savoring the mix of salt and perfume,
breathing in the blend of flowers and sweat,
curling my tongue about the hard tips of pink flesh
that had awoke on hearing my name
from across the room.