Some feedback please?

[evesummerall]

It's my first time writing erotica and I'd like some constructive feedback on my story. I've been writing in general for a while, so feel free to go harsh on me; I want to know what to do better on in the future and write the best story possible : )

http://www.literotica.com/s/lesprit-de-lescalier

Thank you so much!

 

[ClassyGirl]

It's my first time writing erotica and I'd like some constructive feedback on my story. I've been writing in general for a while, so feel free to go harsh on me; I want to know what to do better on in the future and write the best story possible : )

http://www.literotica.com/s/lesprit-de-lescalier

Thank you so much!

I really liked it. Good writing, good dialogue (for what little dialogue there was), and the sex was good. I would have liked it to be longer, personally. And i'm always one for having a lot of build up in stories, but that's just my personal preference. It was very good!

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Eve,

I really liked this story. Your narrator is breathless and sweet and funny in an authentic way. I had a peek at your bio and it kind of made sense in that it seems you're trading on your strengths. Unless you're really a thirtysomething heterosexual married guy who gets a kick out of writing lesbian stories. Crud, wait, that's me.

As your first post, I'm doubly impressed. Thanks for the chance to visit your head, Eve. S'nice in there. I'm looking forward to another invite.

Best,

-PF

ETA: Eve, turn on your private messaging, girlie. I had another thought or two.

 

[vqfarrold]

The story sets out to be 'clever' but I don't think the components gel. The title promises an 'esprit de l'escalier' but I couldn't find one (a witty rejoinder thought of too late) in the story. The setting - a school for the deaf and dumb - is used in the first couple of paragraphs to attract our interest, but isn't taken anywhere - both girls can hear and speak. I thought the characterisation was confusing - both girls are presented as outcasts in some parts, quite comfortable and self-confident in others. We are meant to perceive a shift in power from the narrator, who sees herself as smarter, to Harriet, who is actually the smarter, but Harriet achieves this mainly through physical strength, not cleverness. The description of the sex was pretty routine - no real originality in the language or build-up of tension. Where in the action of the story does Harriet tell the narrator that A GIRL BROKE HER HEART - I couldn't see it. 'The next revelation came a second later. "WAIT, SHE JUST –" ' - what is this revelation? The fact that Harriet spoke? The narrator already knew she could talk and has been attempting for about a third of the story to get her to do just that - surely she would realise as soon as it happened. Maybe it is something else that I missed?

Sorry to be so negative - but you do promise the reader a lot in this story and don't deliver. And you did invite commenters to feel free to be harsh. I think all the components are there - just need to be worked on harder. And this is just one person's opinion. You have imagination and fluency and I hope you keep writing.

 

[PacoFear]

The story sets out to be 'clever' but I don't think the components gel. The title promises an 'esprit de l'escalier' but I couldn't find one (a witty rejoinder thought of too late) in the story.

i took the story to be the sort of clever one would expect from an eighteen-year-old girl. I took the esprit de l'escalier to be "A GIRL BROKE HER HEART!" True, it wasn't necessarily a rejoinder, but I'd award partial credit insofar as it was a late-arrived revelation of sorts.

The setting - a school for the deaf and dumb - is used in the first couple of paragraphs to attract our interest, but isn't taken anywhere - both girls can hear and speak.

The narrator suspects that Harriet can hear but I never got the feeling that she was certain that Harriet could speak.

Where in the action of the story does Harriet tell the narrator that A GIRL BROKE HER HEART - I couldn't see it.

It was foreshadowed in their exchange, below, then confirmed by Harriet's advances.

"Heartbroken?" I whispered, leaning in closer. A faint blush came to her cheeks – amusing. She turned away and nodded shortly.

"By a boy, no doubt." I said, pulling back. Blushing was a weird reaction, in retrospect. I should have seen the signs, but beyond my crazy demeanor I was honestly a sheltered little thing. She shook her head.

'The next revelation came a second later. "WAIT, SHE JUST –" ' - what is this revelation? The fact that Harriet spoke? The narrator already knew she could talk and has been attempting for about a third of the story to get her to do just that - surely she would realise as soon as it happened. Maybe it is something else that I missed?

I think readers' tolerances for filling in blanks varies. I don't think it's clear that Harriet can talk and I was comfortable inferring that the second revelation was that Harriet could in fact speak.

To be sure, it's an imperfect piece, but rendered all the more realistic for it, I thought. One hiccup in my disbelief suspension came at the narrator's threat to "kiss [the secret] out of" Harriet. That did not compute for me as either a real threat or the sort of feigned threat one teen would make to another. Now, if the narrator had instead threatened to tell her classmates that Harriet had tried to kiss her if she didn't open up, it would have rung a bit more true on my read. It also would have permitted Harriet to demonstrate a bit of cleverness in slipping out of the narrator's attempted trap by actually kissing her.

I've stared at the end of this story for about fifteen minutes trying to think of a fitting rejoinder, but it turns out that I'm not that clever. The good news is there's heaps of witty folks around. We have the luxury of waiting patiently here on the curb for their arrival.

-Paco

 

[vqfarrold]

I think the rebuttal by PacoFear of my earlier comments is fair enough. I took no account of the writer's age, but regardless of age and any weaknesses in the story it's clear that this writer has a lot of talent.

 

[PacoFear]

I think the rebuttal by PacoFear of my earlier comments is fair enough. I took no account of the writer's age, but regardless of age and any weaknesses in the story it's clear that this writer has a lot of talent.

Oops, for clarity, when I made the statement below I was referring to the age of the narrator rather than the age of the author, though they appear to be in the same ballpark.

I took the story to be the sort of clever one would expect from an eighteen-year-old girl.

 

[evesummerall]

Thank you

Thank you to everyone for the comments! I appreciate them all. : )

@ClassyGirl - I admit, I like mine longer too... in the future my stories will have more length, but this one kind of jumped out at me as a shorter piece... there wasn't much more to say.

@PacoFear - If I was a 30-something married guy, I'd announce that just as proudly as I do my real identity. : ) I also turned on my private messages for you. I didn't know they were off... oops.

@vqfarrold - I frankly agree with pretty much all of what you said. This story was fun to write, but definitely not that well planned out. I'm taking special note of the character thing, since I had no inkling of that at all.
As for what the end of the last dialog was, PacoFear is right in that the narrator's realization was that Harriet could speak. I was trying to leave it ambiguous, though. He also was right in how the narrator inferred the heartbreak was by a girl.
Overall, thank you soo much for your feedback, even if it was harsh. It was honest and brutal and I loved it.

 

[NikkiBastion]

Loved it! I genuinely did!

I am one who didn't question whether Harriet could or couldn't speak, I assumed she could - but just chose not to. She obviously wasn't deaf, either. So the end revelation did toss me for a minute wondering what "she just -" was referring to. If it was referring to her speaking, it doesn't quite convey it as clearly...and if that's not the revelation, please explain because it whooshed on by me! Also agree with Paco on the kiss threat - it really isn't something that'd come naturally in that kind of a situation and seemed more apt for a 13 year old than 18. It could work, perhaps, if we could see her using this tactic elsewhere in a manipulative manner, so it'd be 'par for the course' on Harriet, and it bites her in the ass. Otherwise, a threat of kiss seems a little contrived.

Regardless, I really liked it, loved its flow and pacing. Clever and witty, agreed! Nothing would make me vote it down, for sure.