some feedback, please...

[LdyOnyx]

I've had 921 people read my first posted story. I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong. I would, however, approciate some feedback...I'm new, so it would help to have some support...even if its possitive critizism... let me know...

LdyOnyx

Story:
By Chance

 

[sirhugs]

please post a link to the story

 

[LdyOnyx]

Like I said, I'm new...sorry

By Chance

 

[PaulX35]

You're new, I know

But the link doesn't work, sorry

Paul

 

[weed]

Try this:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69369

 

[LdyOnyx]

thanks Weed....

LdyOnyx

 

[weed]

Hello, LdyOnyx.

The passion you describe comes through in the fuck scene and you manage to set the situation for the narrator pretty well for a fast moving story. If a little more background on the guy came out it would bring my interest in more.

While not my preferential story type I wouldn't consider this a bad read. I would suggest using something like spellcheck and checking for typos carefully. There's a volunteer editors program here if you're interested.

 

[LdyOnyx]

that's what I'm talking about...I need this kind of feedback. Thanks for the imput..I'll have to try harder next time.
Again, thanks..

LdyOnyx

 

[PaulX35]

You're new, I know

But the link doesn't work, sorry

Paul

 

[BigTexan]

LdyOnyx;

Here is what I think, take it or leave it.

You are a very good writer. I enjoyed the story and felt like I got to know the character by the end. That is what makes a story good.

Places for improvement?

Well, your first paragraph is an intrusion into the story. It really isn't necessary to tell me what kind of story you are going to tell me. I'll figure it out on my own as I read it. And the little blurb of character detail, well you should have shown that to me instead of telling me.

Now for the second paragraph. The sentence:

I let the water cascade over my nicely shaped C-cupped breasts.


Honestly I don't know what a "C-cupped" breast looks like. Oh I get it, she's not too big and not too small, but I hate this kind of description, and so do most readers. It would be better to leave the "C-cupped" out. Also, because this story is told in first person, having her describe herself as "nicely shaped" feels distastefull to me somehow. It would be better to have someone else describe her or better yet, just react to her in a way that would give the reader the image.

Now about dialog:
You do dialog very well. It wasn't forced or unnatural sounding at all. Good job. The one place I had a little trouble with it was:


"I was distracted myself." His face blushed slightly. I let a giggle escape from my lips.

"I was wondering if you didn't have anyplace to go soon that you'd join me for lunch? I know this wonderful place we could sit down and try to sort out exactly who's fault it was." He flashed another smile and again extended his hand to me.

"My name is Daniel. My friends call me J.D. And yours?"

"Avae. What does the J stand for?" I joked.


Here I wasn't sure who was asking who out until later in the story where I sorted out that it was the guy asking her out.

Second problem with this part. His ask out attempt seems clumsy, yet everything else about him seems smooth. They don't "fit".

Third problem: "I joked", but it wasn't a joke. She asked. And unless he is truly ashamed of his first name he would normally not say "My first name" instead he would say "Jack" or whatever his first name was.

Overall this was a good, well written story. You have a lot of talent and developed the story and the characters well. Good luck in your writing. I look forward to your next submission.

BigTexan

 

[LdyOnyx]

perhaps I should have had your suggestions before I submitted my story...I was a little unsure about that line as well. (Him asking her out...basically the entire dialect that was exchanged between the characters). I guess you can say I was reaching a little.. I was a little nervous, so please excuse me if I seem a little green. As for the "C-cuped" line, I was attempting to be discriptive. i can see how that would be tasteless, even a bit conceided. I've never posted erotica before, so I was trying to capture an audience. (I'd be the last person to speak that highly of my breast... ) I do thank you for your critizism and look forward to more feedback in the future. You've been a BIG TEXAN help to me!!!

Ldy Onyx

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Ldyonyx,
I'm with BigTexan on this and the parts of the story that were confusing. I tend not to use specific sizes of body parts in a story, that way a reader can put themselves and/or whome ever they want into it a lot easier. I can't comment on whether or not it should have more dialogue because I just finished a story that has absolutely none. Some people prefer a lot and others not so much, so this is basicly up to the readers taste. I'm sure with some editing for punctuation, grammer and spell checking you could resubmit this story. The story idea is a good one maybe you could do some revising and expand on it a bit more. Also practice can only make you better so keep at it. Good first submission!
Wicked

My Stories

 

[damppanties]

Impressions...

Hi LdyOnyx, (nice nick!)

Most of everything's been said by Big Texan but I'll give my opinion anyway.

Your story has a nice conversational tone. I like that.

There are a lot of spelling mistakes and grammar problems though. I think you need to get your story through an editor. There's a volunteer editor facility in Lit. but I don't think it works too well, the best way to find an editor would be to go down to the Editor's Forum and put in a request there, or find someone on the boards whose work you like and ask them politely. Most times they'd be glad to go over your story - pretty nice people here.

From your story:

I've always had this thing about shoulders and backs.
Hehehe... me too! This got me smiling as that's the first thing I look for in a guy. Doesn't everybody?

The sex started a little abruptly. I would like some indication like perhaps you could let us know that she was fantasizing about him all through the meal or he was looking at her and she was getting aroused or something. Build up to the sex instead of just plunging us into it.

This story is a nice start and I hope you find the suggestions useful for improvement. Keep writing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

feedback

A spell-checker isn't enough. It won't catch wrong words or sudden shifts from past tense to present tense. You've just got to proof read.

A criticism I've been using on myself lately is this: what makes this story different or better from any other story describing the same thing? There's got to be something that's new or novel or said better or something that makes the story worth reading. There's a lot of bump-into stories. I'd ask myself: what makes this one different and worth reading?

I'd also like to see more concrete detail, how things felt, smelled, tasted; what you thought, the sounds you two made. The place in the park: was it dark and shadowy or dappled with sunlight? Was there trash around or was it pristine? Were you making love within possible earshot of passersby? Could you hear traffic? Give us the details and we'll be there with you.

And how did he know you lived alone? Because you accepted his invitation? And would his compliments and his back and chest really be enough of a turn-on for you to screw him in the park?

Finally, i didn't get the last sentence. What was how you started the day? Crossing to the park?

---dr.M.

 

[LdyOnyx]

This is usually what happens...I proof read, and there are more misstakes than I first thought..

When she caught herself lettting her mind wonder, she realized that that's what she was doing when she "bumped" into him....

That is what I was getting at. She decided to let her mind wonder more often.

If you have any suggestions, let me have them..It was my first, so thanks for being gentle...



LdyOnyx

 

[the_bragis]

Hello LdyOnyx,

Yes, it is wonderfully exciting posting your first story isn't it? Congats, and may you write many more.

Certainly you have a good feel for erotica. The excellent advice you have been given here doesn't really need adding too. Although I have to say, like Dr. M, a couple of words sounded out of place to me also, ie. sharply toned could have perhaps read better as well toned. my face burning with heat should have perhaps been just my face burning, or burning with embarrassement. Things like that don't seem like a big deal, but they will jar your readers.

I noticed you type 'than' instead of 'then' a number of times, I bet that's your accent. Oh boy I'm a sucker for an American accent.

As I read your story I remembered something I meant to ask someone who would know. You shortened a number of sentences, like - Woke up, dragged myself to the bathroom; Stepping in the shower, ... I'm not certain by I think when a word is omitted like that it should be replaced with an apostrophe. Well, I'm no absolutely sure, so I'm checking with someone who will know, Whispersecret.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem).

 

[the_bragis]

I have checked with WS. She is almost certain, an apostrophe is not used when a sentence is shortened like that. And that 's good enough for me.

Alex.

 

[PaulX35]

A few impressions

Your Ladyship

Finally had the time to read your story. You have a rich imagination, and it serves you well in this pretty sexy and hot first story, my compliments.

Since this is a feedback forum, I will also take the liberty to give you some.

You elected to write a story with relatively limited length. That means you need to pick your words very carefully, because you mustn't miss even one chance to draw the reader into your erotic ideas. Some parts of your story could do better there; they appear a tad rushed, maybe because you maybe wanted to add in quite a few things that thrilled you to write about, and they could do with a little more variation. An example, with suggestions of mine in italics:

He laid me down on his shirt. He than proceeded to let his tongue explore my body stopping briefly at my tender nipples. He glided his body slowly down mine until he reached my swollen clit. His tongue flickered across it making my body jerk with ever movement. He continued to eat me out this way until i reached another explosive orgasm.

5 sentences here, 4 beginning with "he", the other with "his".
Apart from grammatical errors like "than" in stead of "then", I would have liked to have seen more build up here. Make your words work for you. Use variation in sentence-building to arouse your reader. Your choice to take just 5 lines to make her cum. Use them to the fullest Here's a try to explain what I meant to say:

I watched him lay me down on his shirt.
Simple change of perspective creating variation, and drawing the reader in, as it's "you" who is going to be cumming four lines later...
His tongue explored me [we know it is your body he explores, Px], stopping briefly at my tender nipples.
The "proceeded" sounded a bit emotionless to me, otherwise "exploring" paints the atmosphere well for me: I'm now with body contact, with a tongue exciting, teasing, not yet arousing though...
Slowly, he glided down, body touching body, untill he reached my swollen clit.
This is the tension builder....we go from merely erotic to strongly sexual here. Start with the "slowly", that shows the reader what the woman must be feeling. Slow and swollen work together here.
But you have only two more lines to convince the reader your character needs no more to cum...so you need a banging line now to create that credibility!
His tongue flickered across it making my body jerk with ever movement.
Apart from grammatical details (comma after it, every), you may want to try really pulling the reader into what's happening here. Change of perspective comes in handy maybe. Crawl into the one whose clit is being teased. Something like:
Ugh! Jerks, oh God, every flicker of his tongue made me spasm, jolt.
The final line now...
He continued to eat me out this way until i reached another explosive orgasm.
This is a bit of a dead duck when you look close enough, isn't it?
Words like "this way" are not exciting, and more importantly, they dont make the reader imagine, and you want that. And feel-wise, "another explosive orgasm" is not pulling me into the state of excitement you're envisioning your character to be in.
So we need more imagination here maybe.
He was eating me out, just wouldn't stop, and I couldn't control, jerked, gasped, until he licked me into another hot explosion.

Not trying to do your writing here, but I wanted to give an example of how you can let words create the drive you're looking for when describing an orgasm.

This was of course a much too detailed dissection of your writing, but I see from your writing that you have the imagination to make things work for a reader. Pay attention to details like these, and you're bound to get even better

Good luck!

Paul