Some Engineer Identification Tests

[DannyBoyUK]

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You

Straighten it.
Ignore it.
Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

SOCIAL SKILLS.
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation;
Important social contacts;
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects

 

[DannyBoyUK]

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS.
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
things that need to be fixed, and
things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

FASHION AND APPEARANCE.
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE.
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates
MacGyver
Etcetera
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

HONESTY.
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

FRUGALITY.
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION.
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

RISK. Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
Hindenberg
Space Shuttle Challenger
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope
Apollo 13
Titanic
Ford Pinto
Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

EGO.
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal... a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex-and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

 

[enjoyingitall]

These were great! My husband is an engineer. I gotta save these for him .

 

[DannyBoyUK]

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

[Azwed]

Help I am a Poli Sci/Journalism Major stuck in and engineers body.

err or is it the other way around Bah I don't know I gave up on engineering after two years.

 

[Azwed]

I got one for you.

Two engineers are at a bar and one of them starts telling the other a story.

I was walking down the street when this Brand new Ninja Superbike motorcycle drives up. The bike stops and the rider gets off. The rider turns out to be a gorgeous 5 foot 9 blonde with long curly hair. She looks extremely mad and she starts throwing her riding gear to the ground. First she throws the helmet down then strips off her leather riding suit. She seems really pissed off and is all red faced finaly she throws all her clothes off and stands naked in front of the engineer. She finally speaks to him with her hands on her hips, her back arched and her large, firm, perky breasts thrusted forward, "Go ahead take anything you want."

I run over get on the bike and drive off.

The other engineer replies with, "Good choice the clothes probably would not have fit you."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Good one

 

[zantac666]

A lot of those remind me of my brother.

He is always trying to make someting work better then i have to go over and make it work.

He thinks he is smarter then me a high school grad. until we sit down and watch jeopardy and i answer more questions then him and sme he should know because it is in his field.

His mouth drops to the floor and i just laugh because he spent all that money but he does have a good job.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Hand on heart - I dont really have anything against engineers

<s>

 

[sacremento]

Those were so funny My dad is an engineer and fits most of the above!

 

[fgarvb1]

I get a lot of phone calls and vists from engineers at work that goes somthing like this; Do you have anything that will?, Know where i can find something that can be used to or what would you reconmmend to...most of the time i can help them.

I remind peple a lot that i'm Not an engineer and that they should run this stuff by one just to make sure no one gets hurt or any thing gets tore up.

Hell, i'm just a industrial parts man. A damn good one yes, But i am not an engineer!

 

[navarre]

Ouch.
Can we somehow hide this thread so someone I know doesn't see it?

lol

 

[DéjàNu]

BUMP



for week crew