Some Constructive Criticism On My Stories
- Thread starter LordRunes
- Start date
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2005
- Posts
- 4,778
I read "Every Man's Fantasy".
At 856 words, it's really much too short to be classified as a story.
First, it could have stood an edit...
Feeling a stirring with in , holding back from approaching her. Just watching for the moment. The line moving forward she slips inside and I loose her in the crowd. Smiling I buys my ticket, heading off to see the latest in some new series of horror.
With in, should be within. Smiling I buys should be, Smiling, I buy...
This paragraph needs to be broken up due to the dialog, and the middle paragraph rewritten (as I did here).
Waiting as the theater darkens I hear the late arrivals coming in, ignoring them as usual until, one sits next to me. It's her.
Smiling nervously, "Is this seat taken?" her whisper barely audible above the previews and commercials.
I shake my head no, moving my coat. As she sits down I get a better look at her, dark skinned, eyes almost black, Hair the color of jet. Looking back to screen before she catches me looking.
This paragraph is hard to understand, and a grammatical nightmare.
Movie starting with a young woman running through the woods at night, recap of the end of the last movie. Except the monster catches her ripping her into bloody pieces on the screen. Usual beginning, if a bit more graphic than most, it is at this point I notice she has grabbed my arm. Looking down she smiles and blushes, mouthing sorry to me. I just smile nodding its ok.
The rest of the story is just more of the same. poorly written paragraphs. In one, you switch from first person to third person, very hard to follow, and uncomfortable to read.
You need to read some of the "How To" articles available at Lit, and enlist the help of a volunteer editor.
I think the premise of your story was okay, just very poorly executed.
At 856 words, it's really much too short to be classified as a story.
First, it could have stood an edit...
Feeling a stirring with in , holding back from approaching her. Just watching for the moment. The line moving forward she slips inside and I loose her in the crowd. Smiling I buys my ticket, heading off to see the latest in some new series of horror.
With in, should be within. Smiling I buys should be, Smiling, I buy...
This paragraph needs to be broken up due to the dialog, and the middle paragraph rewritten (as I did here).
Waiting as the theater darkens I hear the late arrivals coming in, ignoring them as usual until, one sits next to me. It's her.
Smiling nervously, "Is this seat taken?" her whisper barely audible above the previews and commercials.
I shake my head no, moving my coat. As she sits down I get a better look at her, dark skinned, eyes almost black, Hair the color of jet. Looking back to screen before she catches me looking.
This paragraph is hard to understand, and a grammatical nightmare.
Movie starting with a young woman running through the woods at night, recap of the end of the last movie. Except the monster catches her ripping her into bloody pieces on the screen. Usual beginning, if a bit more graphic than most, it is at this point I notice she has grabbed my arm. Looking down she smiles and blushes, mouthing sorry to me. I just smile nodding its ok.
The rest of the story is just more of the same. poorly written paragraphs. In one, you switch from first person to third person, very hard to follow, and uncomfortable to read.
You need to read some of the "How To" articles available at Lit, and enlist the help of a volunteer editor.
I think the premise of your story was okay, just very poorly executed.
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2006
- Posts
- 17,732
You really need to work on punctuation, sentence structure, and maintaining your 'voice.' There were several times in which you skipped from first to third, or second to third person.
Learn how to use punctuation. It appears you have a fear of it. By breaking up your paragraphs, you could make them more readable and not quite as meandering as they are.
There are several good editors available in the Editor's Forum. I would strongly suggest you enlist their aid.
Learn how to use punctuation. It appears you have a fear of it. By breaking up your paragraphs, you could make them more readable and not quite as meandering as they are.
There are several good editors available in the Editor's Forum. I would strongly suggest you enlist their aid.
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
Well, Runes... you have some problems you need to work on. I read The Scene and found it symptomatic of the problems you have in your attempts.
Sentences ALWAYS begin with a capital letter. How could she "almost" hear in her mind? That's very odd. It can happen, but it has to be set up. This just left me flat.
I believe the semicolon is inappropriate here since the intent and the POV of the sentence changes - "they" then "she". The last sentence is just ass-backwards making it awkward.
This is just logically impossible. She doesn't think being tied is "unpleasant" but the ropes bite uncomfortably into her skin?
This entire "story" is what I call a "Dream Piece". It's not a story. There is no character development, no plot and, frankly, little interest. This is about some unidentified terrorized woman being abused by some faceless character. And you wonder why you don't get the Vote Scores you think you deserve?
Look, dude. Stories are made up of characters with personality and voices who speak for themselves, plots that begin with a premis and move along to a conclusion. You are missing both elements. That brings you story down to the lowest level of slasher fiction and not really very either readable or interesting.
Does this answer your question?
Sentences ALWAYS begin with a capital letter. How could she "almost" hear in her mind? That's very odd. It can happen, but it has to be set up. This just left me flat.
I believe the semicolon is inappropriate here since the intent and the POV of the sentence changes - "they" then "she". The last sentence is just ass-backwards making it awkward.
This is just logically impossible. She doesn't think being tied is "unpleasant" but the ropes bite uncomfortably into her skin?
This entire "story" is what I call a "Dream Piece". It's not a story. There is no character development, no plot and, frankly, little interest. This is about some unidentified terrorized woman being abused by some faceless character. And you wonder why you don't get the Vote Scores you think you deserve?
Look, dude. Stories are made up of characters with personality and voices who speak for themselves, plots that begin with a premis and move along to a conclusion. You are missing both elements. That brings you story down to the lowest level of slasher fiction and not really very either readable or interesting.
Does this answer your question?
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