Some advice needed...

[Rammtuff]

I need some advice. I got married to a wonderful woman almost two years ago whom I love very much. She was only my second sex partner ever. I came from a very fundamentalist family and was taught that sex before marriage was wrong. Anyway, I love my wife but more and more lately I find myself fantasizing about men. I'm definately more open minded in my older age and I find that most of my masturbation fantasies now revolve around sex with a transgendered woman (that still has a penis) or sex with another man for the the pleasure of my wife.

I don't really look at guys the same way I do women sexually in that I can't see myself romantically involved with a man, but my wife does tease a lot verbally about male-male sex. She once had me read a series of books that involved a lot of S&M and group sex involving men being forced to perform on other men. It excited the hell out of me to think about some of the things they were doing for the viewing pleasure of my wife. To think about sucking a cock with her or her forcing my head down to suck one drives me wild.

Now my wife and I have discussed some pretty kinky stuff in the past, but I've never really let on to her other than "kidding" suggestions that it's something I'd really get off on thinking about. She's joked before like, yeah, you'd do him and I kinda played along like, yeah, I probably would.

I think she's open minded and I suspect that it may be a turn on for her to think about two guys, but we have discussed in the past no involving anyone else in our relationship no matter how good it may feel, because even the potential to harm our relationship in any way is just not worth it.

So....I guess my biggest concern is if I come clean and tell her about my bi fantasies, she'll freak out at the reality that I'm vocalizing my bi side in a real way and worry that I'll want to cheat on her. I have no intention of ever cheating on her. She had a friend though who got divorced because her husband came out and I think that may make her a little more sensitive to the whole issue in a negative way.

I know I may seem like I'm being a little overparanoid about this but I really love my wife and I don't want to damage our relationship in any way but at the same time, I would love to share it with her and have her be receptive to seeing where it goes. I feel kind of bad for hiding a part of me from her that seems to be such a dominant part of my fantasies but it's truly hard to know how she'll react.

Should I just keep it in my masturbation fantasies and not risk any potential damage to the relationship, or should I share it with her and just let the chips fall where they may?

 

[Chicklet]

First off, I have not been in the same situation as you, so I can't really give any first hand advice. Secondly, your marriage is unique. Everyone's is. So I recommend not taking the example of another marriage ending over the husband coming out as bi as a reason not to come out to your own wife... there may have been a ton of contributing factors, that just the icing on the cake, that broke that couple up. It would probably be a lot easier for a woman to use the fact that her husband came out as bisexual as a reason to break up than petty arguments, especially if they're religious... this way, she's the victim, he's the bad guy, and she gets all the sympathy and no one looks down on her for the divorce.

Anyways, it sounds like, if your wife teases and you tease back, she probably knows at least a little bit about your fantasies. I was with a man for five and a half years, and I very much doubt any fantasies he had were totally secret. Once you get to know someone, you realize where the hint of truth lies.

I believe, from what you've told us, that she will be accepting, and perhaps turned on herself. And even if it's not something you want to pursue in the flesh, it sounds like your wife might be willing to whisper you some nasty, dirty, bisexual fantasies during the 'special time' you two spend together.

 

[bi_asian_guy]

*****

 

[versatile1]

Sounds to me that communication is already in progress.

The fact that she teases you about about m2m sex and that she had you read a series of books (not just one) about males being forced to perform probably indicates more than a passing interest in this on her part.

Your "kidding" response in the affirmative (as opposed to revulsion--as would probably be more common) has communicated something to her that she does not mind hearing because she continues to elicit the same response.

You could move the abstract more to concrete--gradually. Its not like you have to go from this "kidding" to dropping to your knees and going at it. Talk more about specifics like: Who does what to who? What would you do if? Who could you see doing this with? Pose "hypothetical" questions about scenarios that seem more and more plausible. Mention a weird dream that you had that surprised you, but turned you on. I don't see any need to come clean out of the blue. Things are not so black and white.

Just because you are bi (or curious) does not mean that you are a cheat. Two years into a relationship might make her more insecure. I think that my wife of over 20 years still has some deep seated insecurities about my bisexuality, even though I told her when we were dating that I was very curious and felt I was bisexual.

We have had only one experience--a mmf threesome with a friend of mine. I'd only do so with her as part of situation--unless she explicitly told me she WANTED me to do otherwise. Even then, I doubt I would do it.

 

[human_male]

I certainly hope it works out for you. It would be wonderful to share that side of yourself with your wife. I know from reading other posts on Lit that women can be terribly insecure about this. "I found out my husband likes gay porn. Is he gay? Is he going to leave me?"

But as everyone else has said if she brings it up and teases you about it, it might mean she's as into the idea as you are. I guess if you did tell her about it you'd have to try and make it clear that you're not about to run out and actually do anything.

I don't know what the best things to do is, but I wish you well.

 

[dirtmonger0]

your fucked

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[KokopelliRises]

My only advice would be to open the lines of communication with your wife about your bisexual desires, which it appears that you have begun doing already. Good for you. Best of luck to y'all.

 

[alaskabibear]

Just a word of encouragement. My wife and I have been married over thirty years. She loves the turn-on of male/male sex, and we share many fun fantasies together with it. If you spend much time here, you'll see that a lot of women are like this.

From your description of your relationship, I would say you are one of the lucky ones because your wife obviously is at least a little turned-on by this as well. Just as some of the others have said, just play into the fantasy with her more and more. You can let her know your into men without coming right out first thing and saying it. In other words, grow into it. Rent some bi/gay movies, buy some toys, let her dildo your butt, etc. Trust me, you can have a lot of fun with a woman who is willing to share this part of your life with you.

And by the way, it is really important that you feel okay about your feelings and desires too. If you haven't already, you should read some info on bisexuality (look up the Kinsey study- not sure of spelling). Anyway, you will find that you're normal. That goes a long way toward being open with your wife. Because if you are still confused or repressed about your bisexuality (which it sounds like you are from your post), that will come across to her and you will be signaling to her that this is wrong or bad. Trust me again when I say, you will feel so good when you can be honest with both yourself and your wife about this.

Wishing you and her the best.

 

[nowitzki41]

think with your dick and youll be a happy man

 

[doorman1227]

I hada similar situation but but decided to go for it. The wife agreed and it was wild. We have only done it once but it has added to our sex greatly.

 

[robertreams]

buy or rent a video that shows some of the activities you fantasize about. Ask her if she will watch it with you. look for and ask her reaction. If she isn't totally turned off, tell her everything. Make sure you tell her you haven't done anything, that you have held back because of your respect and promises to her. Then go by her response.