Soft heart or soft head?

[CreamyLady]

I divorced my ex-husband when our daughter was two. Since then, he's seen her infrequently. He never paid a dime of child support, but I never refused him permission to see her. He left the state, didn't call, didn't write -- in short, disappeared.

When she was in her late teens, he reappeared. He tried to establish a "fatherly" relationship, but crashed and burned; she was highly offended by his attempts at humor and rapport, and told him she wanted nothing to do with him.

He has kept in touch with me. In the beginning, it was ostensibly to find out how she was doing, and what she was doing.

My question, if I have one at all in this venting, is now that she's an adult, and has made it clear she wants nothing to do with him, do I have to keep in touch? I'd rather not, really. We had nothing in common aside from our daughter, and he has shown his lack of regard for us many, many times.

However, I feel a little sorry for him, and wonder if I should stay in touch in case our daughter relents, or if something happens. Since he wasn't there for her at all during her childhood, or during the very rough times of her late teens, am I soft in the head for thinking that any contact is better than none?

 

[April]

He wasn't there to help you before, and I really doubt that he would help if something were to happen in the future. Cut him loose. If your daughter wants to contact him, that's up to her. No reason for you to keep in touch with someone that you don't particularly like.

Simplify.

 

[Todd]

My suggestion drop him, if she doesn't want him and and you have no need of him and i think you don't drop him like cold moldy used underware. But feel free to do what ever you like.

 

[Xander]

I'll have to say ditto to that one April.

if your daughter wants to have contact with him in the future, he cant be that hard to track down. he made the call earlu in her life. She made one now. She's an adult. Leave it up to her.

 

[CreamyLady]

Thanks, April, Todd, Xander. I'm blocking him as this is posted (it was another of his stupid emails that made me ask).

 

[Kuddles]

CreamyLady...

You owe him nothing! If your daughter is an adult then she can make the moves if she wants a relationship with him. It is up to her at this point and it sounds like she has made her decision.

 

[Dionysus]

Forget him. HE made it clear what kind of relationship he wanted and now he feels guilty about his choice. Go find someone who will really love you.

 

[CreamyLady]

I have, Dionysus. It took 20 years, but I found him!

 

[Laurel]

How is your lovebug doing? Would he get offended if I referred to him as your lovebug?

 

[CreamyLady]

He's doing fine. He moved, and got a cobbled together computer. We're still planning on his move this July.

Watch for fireworks.

 

[Gingersnap]

Creamy Lady I think the fact that you have kept in touch with him all these years is admirable. You have fulfilled the Mom thing and now it is time to let that particular responsiblity drop and do not look back. I wish you every happiness with SB. I think your daughter made a wise decision.

 

[Silverlily]

This I can talk about.

I am in the same boat, not once, but twice. Neither "donor" (Thank you, Sam) pays much attention to their daughters.

My ex, I divorced because he was a drunk. He had had no contact with our daughter for nearly eight years. Then, one day, out of the blue, he called. We talked a bit and I did let him talk to our daughter. Bottom line, she enjoyed talking to him, but it wasn't something she needs. She has not asked to call or visit. He, however, is upset because I don't call. Except for a few harsh words, I have nothing to say. I don't badmouth him, but we are NOT friends.

The youngest's father was nothing more than a moment of weakness. He sends birthday and Christmas gifts, but couldn't tell you thing one about our daughter. Yet he likes to call himself dad. Again, phone calls, etc., she is also not really interested. Her attitude is if he wants to see her, he knows where we live. And again, we are not friends, I have no obligation to him whatsoever.

Sometimes it saddens me to think my girls do not have the Norman Rockwell version of a father-daughter relationship, but such is life. There are never any guarantees.

As for you, take care of you. This man not only left you on your own, but with an huge responsibility as well. He wasn't there when you needed him, and now that you don't need him, why weigh yourself down with the baggage? (It sucks sometimes, being a mom. They never tell you about the guilt part at the hospital.)

Bless your soft heart, it has probably gotten you through a lot, and it doesn't mean you have a soft head.

 

[Skibum]

How is your lovebug doing? Would he get offended if I referred to him as your lovebug?

Thanks for asking, Laurel, and no, I will not be offended. I am back online and back on the BB, maybe not as activily as I once was, but back.

 

[Laurel]

Thanks for asking, Laurel, and no, I will not be offended. I am back online and back on the BB, maybe not as activily as I once was, but back.

...and writing stories I hope... *HINT HINT* hehe

 

[WitchsKat]

Well I for one am glad that Mom blocked him from her email. As I have said over the years since he came back to CA, I don't want to talk to or hear from him. And to put Mom in the middle is unfair to her.

I don't mind not having the traditional father-daughter relationship. I have a stronger relationship with my mother because of it. As far as I'm concerned, life is great.

 

[alexander tzara]

I agree with what people are saying above, CL, but at the same time I think it'd be good for you to know how to get hold of your ex- just in case your daughter changes her mind and decides she wants to meet her father again, even if it's only to decide that he really IS an ass and that she definitely, finally never wants anything to do with him again. She obviously must have been very angry when she met him in her teens - he left her and gave her no support while she was growing up, financial or emotional. But maybe when she is older and calmer she'll regret not having the choice to decide again whether she wants him in her life, even if he IS an ass.

Do you think their last meeting together turned out badly because she was still so angry about how little love he'd given her growing up, or do you think it definitely was their final moment together and that now she should accept that he's not part of her life, and move on?

My Dad had his final moment with his father, and he was glad that he did. He and his sister were brought up by my Grandmother from the age of 7 after she and her husband split (this was quite unusual in the late '40s / early '50s). My Dad eventually tracked his father down at 17 and realised that he just didn't like him. He was glad he'd had that final meeting with him so he could find that out and move on with his life. They never saw each other again.

Do you think your daughter has had that final cathartic meeting, or do you think there's a chance she'll carry on feeling like there's a hole in her life? I suppose what you decide to do depends on that, really.


BTW - did you notice there's a new non-erotic category, CL? I remember you saying you'd started writing non-erotic material.

[Edited by alexander tzara on 04-16-2001 at 04:50 AM]

 

[Skibum]

...and writing stories I hope... *HINT HINT* hehe

I am working on one, but I have to find a way to retrieve parts of it from my old comuter, which I don't really have access to. And It's not the sort of thing I feel comfortable asking my 18 year old son to save for me!

 

[CreamyLady]

I think that WitchsKat (the daughter in question) has had her final say on the subject. She's 24 now, and I respect her judgment on this, as well as other, matters.

I did notice the Nonerotic category, but have some stringent editing to do on the story I want to submit. I think it will be awhile before it's posted.

 

[alexander tzara]

Ah. I wondered after I'd posted that if WitchsKat was your daughter. Welcome Creamy Jnr.

 

[OUTSIDER]

I'd have to say cut him lose, but try to do it with grace and understanding.