So what do ya do if your relationship changes?

[lovetoread]

Just a hypothetical question...mind you.

What do you do if in the course of your relationship,your partner...be it a sub or a dom, decides that they like the d/s side a lot more than the s/m part?

Or maybe they like the s/m part more than the d/s?

Or maybe they have decided to be a switch?

Or heaven forbid,they have decided to stop any form of bdsm altogether?

Do you adjust to it?

Leave?

Try to talk it out? (Which leads to the question as to what to do if your partner wont talk about it.)

Are there counselors for this type of relationship?

I am just curious,because I have read alot of threads on the How To board asking how to "make" someone a dom/sub.

Nobody has ever asked about what to do when your partner doesnt want to live that way anymore.

 

[Ebonyfire]

This is interesting, LTR

There has been two divorces on one of the lists I post to.

Divorce #1: The man discovers he wants to pursue D/s in his vanilla marriage, and he little by little talks hi swife into trying it.

Over the course of a year, she not only embraces it, but finds she has surpassed his needs to the point that he cannot submit to her fully.

She cannot go back, so they divorce.

Divorce #2:

She refuses to have anything with it, and does not want him to go outside the relationship to get his kink satisfied.

Result? They divorce.

Sometimes things cannot be fixed.

Ebony

 

[artful]

LTR

Don't put this in the bank, but I think when those situations develope, (and they do), it is most often a case of one not looking inside, with depth and honesty, BEFORE entering into a relationship, that HAS committments involved.

They have presented an IMAGE of themselves that is NOT "truth". Mostly unintentional, but sometimes it IS done in a deceiptful manner.

When one is honest with themself, only THEN, can they present that honesty and *truth* to another.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[WillowPuss]

Just a hypothetical question...mind you.

What do you do if in the course of your relationship,your partner...be it a sub or a dom, decides that they like the d/s side a lot more than the s/m part?

Or maybe they like the s/m part more than the d/s?

Or maybe they have decided to be a switch?

Or heaven forbid,they have decided to stop any form of bdsm altogether?

Do you adjust to it?

Leave?

Try to talk it out? (Which leads to the question as to what to do if your partner wont talk about it.)

Are there counselors for this type of relationship?

I am just curious,because I have read alot of threads on the How To board asking how to "make" someone a dom/sub.

Nobody has ever asked about what to do when your partner doesnt want to live that way anymore.

Heavens - this is a toughie.

I suppose it would depend on the relationship and what went before it.

Was it a relationship that began as a BDSM one, or maybe one that had long standing before both parties embraced BDSM.


Possibly dealing with the former is easier than dealing with the latter. It would signal a time for re-negotiation. For lots ofs talk in a neutral setting. For this to achieve anything, both parties would need to be open and honest.

But then you say - one will not discuss it.

I fear that disineterst would set in where one party was really striving to make things work and the other appeared not to care. Eventually the relationship would dwindle and die.

If the relationship was one of long standing before the BDSM was embraced ... then I suppose it would boil down to just how solid the relationship was. Would it survive a huge jolt like you have described. Some do ... many don't and eventually the relationship would dwindle and die.


It is my belief that to make any relationship work requires just that .. work. Along with honesty and commitment.

 

[A Desert Rose]

No bird in the hand here

You have to have a relationship before it can change......LMAO, so I can't address this.

But it's an interesting thread and I will be reading it.

Rose

 

[Desdemona]

LTR, over time, people grow and change. Sometimes only one of the partners grows or changes while the other remains unchanged. It is inevitable that these changes impact the relationship.

When changes like you have described occur, there is a need for honest discussion and individual soul searching followed by more honest discussion. Both partners have to listen and hear what is being said. Otherwise, the relationship will fail, IMO.

 

[lovetoread]

I have to be honest.

My first relationship (I was with him since I was 16 till I was 29) was not at all based on this.

He didnt want to change. I did

He told me I was too freaky for him,so he went out and found him a teenager that was more "normal" sexually as he liked to tell me.

Unfortunately we were still married at the time,so it wasnt a pleasant situation.

I just have been thinking,there has to be counselors that specialize in this.

Was I wrong to leave? Just because as he tells it, I am a freak?

 

[Shadowsdream]

Just a hypothetical question...mind you.

What do you do if in the course of your relationship,your partner...be it a sub or a dom, decides that they like the d/s side a lot more than the s/m part?

Or maybe they like the s/m part more than the d/s?

Or maybe they have decided to be a switch?

Or heaven forbid,they have decided to stop any form of bdsm altogether?

Do you adjust to it?

Leave?

Try to talk it out? (Which leads to the question as to what to do if your partner wont talk about it.)

Are there counselors for this type of relationship?

I am just curious,because I have read alot of threads on the How To board asking how to "make" someone a dom/sub.

Nobody has ever asked about what to do when your partner doesnt want to live that way anymore.

I am well balanced in all the BDSM lifestyle so a shift in My partners interest MAY be negotiable...or MAY not be.

If My partner wished to also Dominate Me and take turns with submission I would look him in the eye and ask if he was kidding..if not he knows it is time to find a new partner. I don't have a submissive bone in Me and could not in honesty change this part of My personality.

Stop BDSM...Cya! It is My lifesyle..My lovestyle...

It appears I am the counselar in this lifestyle...

 

[Desdemona]

I have to be honest.

My first relationship (I was with him since I was 16 till I was 29) was not at all based on this.

He didnt want to change. I did

He told me I was too freaky for him,so he went out and found him a teenager that was more "normal" sexually as he liked to tell me.

Unfortunately we were still married at the time,so it wasnt a pleasant situation.

I just have been thinking,there has to be counselors that specialize in this.

Was I wrong to leave? Just because as he tells it, I am a freak?

I think you already know the answer to your question lies within you, my friend. When relationships end, it is natural to ask : Was I wrong? What could I have done differently?
At this stage, perhaps you could ask yourself: Did I feel loved, nurtured and respected within this relationship? Is my life better or worse without this person?
Additionally, I would suggest that these questions about a past relationship are really separate issues from your current relationship.
Yes, I'm sure you could find a counselor who would help with discussing these issues in a couples setting.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: So what do ya do if your relationship changes?

I am well balanced in all the BDSM lifestyle so a shift in My partners interest MAY be negotiable...or MAY not be.

If My partner wished to also Dominate Me and take turns with submission I would look him in the eye and ask if he was kidding..if not he knows it is time to find a new partner. I don't have a submissive bone in Me and could not in honesty change this part of My personality.

Stop BDSM...Cya! It is My lifesyle..My lovestyle...

It appears I am the counselar in this lifestyle...

I am with you all the way. I am not submissive at all. That I know from painful experience. I make no bones about it to my subs. I - dominant; they - submissive. No switching here.

Eb

 

[Desdemona]

Re: Re: Re: So what do ya do if your relationship changes?

I am with you all the way. I am not submissive at all. That I know from painful experience. I make no bones about it to my subs. I - dominant; they - submissive. No switching here.

Eb

I am the other side of the coin. I - submissive; they - dominant. No switching here either.

(why does this sound like an old Tarzan movie?)

 

[WillowPuss]

Re: Re: Re: Re: So what do ya do if your relationship changes?

I am the other side of the coin. I - submissive; they - dominant. No switching here either.

(why does this sound like an old Tarzan movie?)

Aghhhhhhhh a ahhhhhhhh

(sorry - never was much good at sound effects)

Des - I am with you -
I submissive You Dominant

and for ever it will be so!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: So what do ya do if your relationship changes?

I am the other side of the coin. I - submissive; they - dominant. No switching here either.

(why does this sound like an old Tarzan movie?)

I love it when my jokes are "gotten".

You have made my day.

 

[Desdemona]

Eb, I am happy to oblige.

 

[Detton]

*thumps his chest* Aaaaaeeeeee! Me boss, you serve!

I couldn't help it...

More seriously, though, sexuality is important in a relationship. If it's one sided, then eventually the person who wants it more is going to get more and more frustrated in that department.

Since I dont know so much about the situation you were in exactly, dont take my words too seriously, but i'd imagine it is better that you aren't with him. Tension would just have grown more and more over time.

I can't help you with couples help, though. Someone else (anyone, really) is much better suited.

~Detton, professional library troll

 

[iam4Her]

i have a clear opinion here, from the bdsm view

If the first partner is completly clear about his/her sexuality, Dom/me or sub, and the other matching partner wants to change...well..it just wont work..good bye relationship.

if a sub will know his/her Master/Mistress suddenly wants to submit..how will he/she be able to believe Her/His Domination, or the oposit.......and bang, all magic gone.

i think it would be the same with a vanilla partner and a second partner that suddenly wants to freak out more into the advanced sexulity, it wont work in the long run.

iam4Her

proud property of
Mistress Marlene

 

[Persephone36]

LTR,

In looking for a counselor for this kind of situation -- it's no different from any kind of couple who are having problems sexually relating to each other. Sometimes it's peoples kinks, sometimes it's as I believe Des said above -- people grow and change, or one person learns more about themselves and it's not a place the other partner wants to go with them.

In any situation -- a trained Social Worker, Psychologist or Psychiatrist who specializes in couples counseling would be the place to go. I don't think one needs to try to search out someone who specifically counsels bdsm couples. Particularly if it's a situation where one partner is vanilla and the other isn't. You want neutral territory.

The thing you or anyone would most want in a couples therapist is an open accepting attitude. You don't have to be in the scene to understand the broad continuum of sexuality. Believe me on this. Therapists are trained professionals. And good ones are there to help, not to render judgment.

Of course, you don't necessarily find the right chemistry with a therapist or counselor right away. It can take seeing a few people to find the right one. And they'd want a good therapist that both members of the relationship felt they could trust and be open with.

The issue is probably more getting to the point of even reaching counseling. Because more likely than not, one partner may feel doing something or not is *their* hard boundary. And that they may feel it is pointless being negotiated.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. To me it seems as if you're asking more about how to approach solving a split. And in that case, I would always say to any couple who wants to work it out for any reason. Go to counseling.


Perse

 

[Lancecastor]

A married man in his late twenties takes up with a teenager....and calls his lovely, kinky wife a "freak"?

Sounds to me like he wasn't particularly secure, but that's a guess.

I personally think it should be illegal to marry before the age of 35.

I'm not sure if there are D/s counsellors in your town...but I'll bet there are in Cali.(he googles)

Summary:

* Husband is the freak, not you.

* 16-29 is a Starter Marriage...your real partner is still out there;

* Here's a link for kink-friendly counselling: http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/psych.html

Cheers;
Lance

I have to be honest.

My first relationship (I was with him since I was 16 till I was 29) was not at all based on this.

He didnt want to change. I did

He told me I was too freaky for him,so he went out and found him a teenager that was more "normal" sexually as he liked to tell me.

Unfortunately we were still married at the time,so it wasnt a pleasant situation.

I just have been thinking,there has to be counselors that specialize in this.

Was I wrong to leave? Just because as he tells it, I am a freak?