So the sex therapist said...

[redelicious]

That's right. We've been going to a sex therapist. Well ok, we started seeing him (as a regular ole' therapist) because of my husband's OCD/panic attacks. Anyway, the guy does systems therapy and is especially interested in sexual relationships, so we knew the day would come when D/s would come up. That day was today.

I'm still digesting the session and sort of waiting to see what will happen next. A couple of things stand out in my mind. One, he made a comment about how sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex (which is probably a thread in its own right). Two, my husband was really, really NOT enjoying therapy tonight. And three, I think the therapist would really get a kick out of Lit. Hell, he may be lurking here already.

So yeah, interesting night. Thought I'd share.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I will just say that there is a massive pervy element in "therapy".

 

[sincerely_helene]

I will just say that there is a massive pervy element in "therapy".

I just came here to post that very same comment.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I just came here to post that very same comment.

Back to the ether with you.

 

[sincerely_helene]

Back to the ether with you.

You don't have to ask me twice.

We're in Bat Country now.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Wicked Grin

... One, he made a comment about how sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex (which is probably a thread in its own right).

So yeah, interesting night. Thought I'd share.

Woo hoo!

i can't wait until the warrior subs get wind of this one, much less the analysts.

 

[Vixandra]

Okay, not a warrior sub but heck, I'll give a reply anyway.

Both men and women occasionally need control taken away during sex- its called variety and in a relationship, be it 'nilla or BDSM, lack of variety is going to lead to boredom and a lack of sex eventually.
Not saying the variety has to come from power exchanges but simply from something different then the normal "we always do it this way" routine.

So- I don't think the therapist was wrong in what he said.

 

[redelicious]

I *think* that particular comment was made to make the discussion more palitable to my husband by way of normalizing my desires.

I gotta say, I'm a little conflicted right now. On one hand it's exciting to have this out on the table in therapy. At the same time I know this isn't hubby's kink at all and I'm not really interested in converting him, assuming that's even possible.

 

[shy slave]

One, he made a comment about how sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex

Ok I'll bite

I wonder what fantasies the therapist has to make him come out with such an interesting comment.

Prior to discovering I was a pyl. I was always in control during sex and I was fairly uninhibited, most vanilla men were amazed/terrified/shocked (pick your own label lol). Some never came back and some could not wait to come back all in all in was non-orgasmic and bloody dull for me.

Its not inhibition that makes me want to hand over control but the space it gives in my mind to be without responsibilities and thus have a mind blowing orgasm.

I guess his 'get out clause' is the use of the word "sometimes."

Its not an ideal way to 'normalise' someones' desires.
If the reasoning behind your desire is not a wish to be more uninhibited then there are a range of issues that arise from his comment:

• You have never analysed why you have the wish to be this way and now your more confused.
• You feel even less normal than you did before.
• You no longer trust the therapist.
• You or your husband may not be ready to face the 'why' you have this need.
• Your husband may feel unable to fufil you and see no way out of the situation, causing him emotional issues

I would be sitting trying to analyse the therapist at the next session!!

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

Its not inhibition that makes me want to hand over control but the space it gives in my mind to be without responsibilities and thus have a mind blowing orgasm.

I have never thought of it that way, but it makes sense.

• Your husband may feel unable to fufil you and see no way out of the situation, causing him emotional issues

Yes, though this was true before we sought therapy. Of course it's harder now because he(we) has to deal with it.

I'm not exactly offended by what was said, though at the very least it was fairly steriotypical (I wouldn't describe myself as sexually inhibited, either).

 

[dame d'honneur]

Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

Its not inhibition that makes me want to hand over control but the space it gives in my mind to be without responsibilities and thus have a mind blowing orgasm.
[/B]

I'm not sure that I understand this...

"mind to be without responsibilities" ??

I may be a bit confused. I'm a sub (or whatever it is being called these days). I'm not allowed to cum until and unless I'm told to. If I reach that point and I've not been given permission, I tell myself "No" and I remind myself that it's not about me, it's about Him and His pleasure not mine, sometimes repeatedly, until I'm given permission. And if I'm not given permission, then I don't get an orgasm.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: So the sex therapist said...

I'm not sure that I understand this...

"mind to be without responsibilities" ??

I may be a bit confused.

Think choice to have an orgasm taken away.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[Aeroil]

Re: Wicked Grin

Woo hoo!

i can't wait until the warrior subs get wind of this one, much less the analysts.

warrior subs? never heard that term before
if it just means subs that happen to like fighting then, wow, I didn't know there was a name for us, I know a lot about fighting unarmed, with knives, light bladed weapons, and light firearms of course. hehe, I'm only 130 lbs too, don't look like a fighter at all.
of course if it's just some other wierd term then I think I just embarassed myself

 

[redelicious]

I would question the therapist if he is coming here to Lit while he was seeing you and your husband. He doesnt need to read your posts unless there is a blow out that he needs to understand.

The session should be between you and your husband with him analyzing the interactions.

You said you were glad to have this out in therapy? I gather you hubby didnt know about lit?

I know I said the therapist could be lurking here. I don't really think he is. I do think he would fit right in. He is (to use Rosco's word) a pervy guy.

And to clarify, my husband has known about Lit almost from day one. Up until now he's been able to avoid having to deal with the reasons for my being here. I've posted about my husband before, and took it for granted that certain details were common knowledge (because people have nothing better to do then read my 12000+ posts ).

Sorry for the confusion.

 

[cellis]

Interesting Red....

I am glad to see your realization that your husband may never embrace this lifestyle. I think therapy is important and so is knowing that the therapist is only a conduit, or sometimes a catalyst.

I understand why your husband is in therapy... is OCD/ panic attacks... and I am glad that you support him... but what are you getting out of this? I mean I wonder what you are seeking?

I wish you good luck in this...

 

[ChasingShadowsX]

I'd love to become a psychologist to study the way people work, I how ever don't think I'd touch sexual theropy because there are just too many things out there which I don't wanna know about

 

[redelicious]

Interesting Red....

I am glad to see your realization that your husband may never embrace this lifestyle. I think therapy is important and so is knowing that the therapist is only a conduit, or sometimes a catalyst.

I understand why your husband is in therapy... is OCD/ panic attacks... and I am glad that you support him... but what are you getting out of this? I mean I wonder what you are seeking?

I wish you good luck in this...

Hey Cellis.

Essentially this is my husband's therapy. I started going 1) to support him and 2) to get some better coping strategies to help me deal with him (or, because the proper response to "Honey, I think I'm dying" isn't "I'm sorry to hear that, do you think you could empty the dishwasher first?").

Honestly I had given up hope of any kind of satisfying sexual relationship with him long ago. It's not just that my sexuality makes him uncomfortable. He is uneasy with his own sexuality and really sex in general. I think if he is able to work through those issues we will both benefit. I guess the ideal would be if he were able to Top me occaisionally, but I don't want to get my hopes up. So I'm trying to be patient and see where this leads us.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[redelicious]

I just read the post above which most likely makes my suggestion null and void.

I gather you tried to slowly bring him into kink, ice, holding you firmly, etc.

Given that. I do wish you luck in this. I admire any couple that can go together to therapy and have a mate be supportive is wonderful. I am glad to hear that you feel confident in the therapist and it sounds like you have a good shot at least in coming to a compromise. I pray that things work out for you.

Thank you.

I actually bought him The Loving Dominant a few years ago, which he hated. It was too much all at once and I was niave to think it would go over well.

I made the choice awhile ago not to leave. I can live with compromise.

 

[cellis]

Hey Cellis.

Essentially this is my husband's therapy. I started going 1) to support him and 2) to get some better coping strategies to help me deal with him (or, because the proper response to "Honey, I think I'm dying" isn't "I'm sorry to hear that, do you think you could empty the dishwasher first?").

Honestly I had given up hope of any kind of satisfying sexual relationship with him long ago. It's not just that my sexuality makes him uncomfortable. He is uneasy with his own sexuality and really sex in general. I think if he is able to work through those issues we will both benefit. I guess the ideal would be if he were able to Top me occaisionally, but I don't want to get my hopes up. So I'm trying to be patient and see where this leads us.

I admire your insite and honesty. It takes a very strong person to deal with your situation...

 

[redelicious]

I admire your insite and honesty. It takes a very strong person to deal with your situation...

Thank you. ~smiles~

 

[Guest]

Thank you.

I actually bought him The Loving Dominant a few years ago, which he hated. It was too much all at once and I was niave to think it would go over well.

I made the choice awhile ago not to leave. I can live with compromise.

Ahhhh And now the Sig..Quote makes much more sense...Indeed

 

[sunfox]

Re: Wicked Grin

Woo hoo!

i can't wait until the warrior subs get wind of this one, much less the analysts.

Warrior sub, reporting for duty.

I would have honestly been kinda (read as: A lot) pissed off had my therapist tried to pass off the horse shit that 'sometimes women need control taken from them in order to be uninhibited enough to enjoy sex' on me and C... Not to mention that C might have hurt himself laughing.

If he'd said sometimes _people_ need that, that'd be okay. But the 50's wife idea that women like to 'lie back and think of England'.. to steal from the Victorian stricture about enduring sex... is ridiculous and antiquated, not to mention downright false and misleading.

I have an unapologetically lusty view of life and my personal pleasure, and always have.. and not only have I never been told that it makes me less feminine... I've frequently been complimented on my lack of hangups about getting what I need out of sex.

(Nothing towards you, redelicious.. I'm just commenting in a general sense towards the quote, not towards your personal therapy experience, which I hope is helpful for both of you. )

 

[Krinaia]

I wouldn't be angry, just sort of wondering if this thearpist is right to handle bedroom issues...

and what he says isn't totally off base.

shyslave, you said you sometimes want to be without responsibilities of control in order to have a mind blowing orgasm... isn't that just another way of saying that the bondage removes those... and let's just define inhibitions loosely as anything that acts as a obstacle... but that bondage removes those obstacles which make your mind blowing orgasms reachable?

I am a bondage fetishist... it's not just that I like having control taken away from me... I always have the control to stop it by asking for mercy, it's more I like the guise of being under control and I like the freedom, i like that being tied down removes from me the inhibitions i have that would normally stop me from thrashing about all i wanted.

the therapist probably has no real contact with BDSM people - at least not knowingly, and therefore can only draw assumptions from literature, which i think we all know... only takes you part of the way to understanding.

i think the better question is... do you want your therapist poking this buried beehive (at least for you) if you are at peace with your compromise (read sacrafice) or are you secretly glad that your therapist is forcing your husband to deal with it.

it would only be compromise if he was willing to give you some of the things you want and you were willing to give up some... but it seems you have given up everything?

i hope though, that you both come out of this the better for it.