So he's on a personals site

[skizbees]

Gah. The pic he uses on there is what he looked like a few months ago. I should know because I took the picture with HIS phone. He's highly sexual, and at the moment I am not, due to adjusting to being on Nuva Ring. I don't like getting pressured for sex either. It's a vagina with a woman attached to it, not a breathing sex toy. So the deal for looking for group sex and women in his local area code through his computer, and mine? We live together and thankfully don't share passwords. He's asked for or mentioned wanting to "make sexy time" (I really, really hate that movie) with me up to six times a day. I'm on the smaller side and haven't seen an orgasm from myself or from him since late November 2005. Good sex doesn't always equal an orgasm for the woman. He claims he's been patient, wonders why I'm not in his dreams though I'm next to him in bed every night, yet in the back of his mind wants to screw every MILF that walks. I feel like I've turned into his personal cook, dresser, and secretary. This could explain why I sleep so much, besides not being employed at a level I like. As a Saggitarius...doormat is not like me but that's what it is.

 

[rthnck]

six times a day?

You're in the most common relationship conundrum that confronts the human species. Different levels of libido. Six times a day is definitely out of line except for two equally matched partners. And you are correct that if you're being treated like a piece of warm meat you are within your rights not to be turned on.

To my mind you have two options:
1. Give up on the relationship
2. Open the lines of communication and come to a compromise.

Both are equally hard. One requires nothing on his part and two requires a lot on his part. If he's not willing to listen and he's not willing to make changes to strengthen your relationship then nothing else will matter.

If he is willing to make changes the results are usually positive in the sexual arena. I've gone through something similar and we both made changes that brought us closer together. When that happened the sexual side came along for the ride and got much better for both of us.

Good luck.

 

[skizbees]

to be textually brief...

Turns out he's got profiles on two. He hasn't mentioned being done with those sites. Some other things have come up that we'll be discussing further. He initially gave up on getting sex from me, and assumed (wrongly) that I don't want it. If he's not getting laid by me, I'm not getting laid by him. So it can't always be about (him) "I haven't gotten enough sex. When am I going to get some, huh?" x6 a day-cause-I'm-that-confident. The more you ask, the less I want. Where's the room for *me* to request and get sex when *I'm* in the mood for it when you don't touch me or aren't even in the room lately? So I would like to work through it. ::sigh::

 

[SweetErika]

I'm sorry you're being treated so poorly and hurting.

If I were you, I'd not work through it at all, I'd simply kick him to the curb for cheating on me and being a selfish asshole. Even if he hadn't gone out and fucked others, the intent is fully there, and I couldn't trust his word on whether he had or hadn't, which means he could have STIs. Plus, I wouldn't trust him to not go out looking again or be able to work through our problems, waiting until I was ready to have sex.

There's nothing wrong with nonmonogamy in my book, and if my partner needed something they weren't getting, their only choices are to work with me, get permission to go outside of the relationship or end it. Anything else is irresponsible and an excellent demonstration of how little they care about me and wrong we are for each other.

 

[Tollo]

Overly long and drawn out: read at your own risk

This is a tough situation. An issue like this could definitely rise to level of a deal breaker, i.e. time to walk away, or else it could all blow over. A lot depends on your situation. Basically it just comes down to how committed and involved you are.

Here's my take for what it's worth: There are two issues. First, the current feelings of distance and incompatibility, second the issue of his placing of one or more personals. These are both major issues, but clearly the first one is fundamental to the second. My parents divorced over infidelity, and it was not pretty, but in my own relationship, (knock on wood) it hasn't happened yet (nor even gotten to the stage where you are) so I won't try to advise you on regaining trust and all that stuff that Erika was talking about.

What I may be able to talk about is the distance issue and where your partner's head is at. You said that you are on BC, and if this is a hormonally based contraceptive then you both have my sympathy. In my case my partner was on the pill for five or six years and I think that totally screwed things up for her in terms of loss of libido (and even depression) that I would not discount how significantly this may be playing a part in your situation.

It sounds like you two are caught in the cycle of no sex => frustration (him) => defensiveness (you) => even less interest in sex (you) => even greater anger and general unpleasant to be around attitudes (him) => no sex => no sex, and on and on it goes. It sounds like you two have been going at this for awhile, didn't you say something about last October??? (and I have to ask how that date relates to when you started your current BC) Really in my case we never go for more than a couple of weeks like this, but when we were first living together, maybe after a year or two, I do remember a period when we went through some really hard times with this kind of stuff. I guess what I am trying to tell you is that these issues can come and go, and that at least in my case, I do think it has gotten easier over time, though it is still there to be sure.

This may surprise you, but I would be willing to bet that your partner's favorite part of sex is when you come. I think a lot of people are like this. Just check out the g spot thread here and I think you will see what I am talking about. Maybe you are like this too, but it seemed like you mentioned something about good sex dose not mean having an orgasm every time, so I tend to doubt it. If I am correct, then for your partner sex is best when you both have an orgasm. If after a while you are not orgasming regularly then he may start to feel some dissatisfaction and over time more frustration, anger, etc. Why should he care so much about your orgasms? probably for reasons of all sorts of insecurities on his part. What it all boils down to though, is that for him, when you want sex then he feels wanted which is a major ego boost and turn on. If you just don't have a strong want or need for sex, then for him this quickly starts to mean that you do not want or need him.

Can you accept a partner who thinks like this? Not that you have to agree to always try for an orgasm when you two are being intimate, but simply can you accept the idea that this is how he thinks; that his partner coming is what he probably fantasizes about. When you were having better times, did you usually come first, and then him? If you think about it, does he (or did he used to) really try to get you to come? These questions are probably too personal to ask, but you might think about them.

Of course I could be way off base with all this. I just thought I would throw out my two cents.

Tollo

 

[skizbees]

Well, I've been on hormonal BC since October 06' (the Pill, then Depo) and as of about 10 days ago, Nuva ring. I can't orgasm from sex or masturbation still. It's hard to enjoy it with him constantly wishing I could orgasm. The last time we had sex (yesterday, just to satisfy him, though he knew I wasn't into it, I wouldn't even look at him during), he had to finish himself off. It was painful after about 20 minutes. Just glad blood doesn't phase me. Porn should flash onscreen "Jackhammering doesn't make her feel *that* vocal. You would not want the same thing happening to you."

It just feels like he's suddenly much nicer and normal since I know what he had been attempting to look for. All of what you said was pretty right on, Tollo. I'm stll trying to figure out why I disconnect from sex so easily though.

 

[cordite]

(Oops -- please ignore)

 

[vanelane]

You don't mention your respective ages, but you might consider getting him snipped instead of taking the birth control if it's such a problem. However, anorgasmia is not caused by the hormones used in birth control. You mention some things that indicate you may be depressed. Lack of desire and inability to enjoy things you used to like are symptoms of depression. Also, some antidepressant medications can cause anorgasmia, so be careful.