So Confused...

[LaOrca]

So, I really, really need some input on the sexual problems in my relationship. I have never been so confused and the hardest part is not having concrete answers/reasons. I am 33 and my partner is 58. We have been together for a year and a little over three months. This man is hands down the love of my life but we have MAJOR problems in the sex department. I will say that he has had very limited to almost no sexual experience. He lost his virginity when he was in his mid-30's in the back of his van to a friend of a friend. It lasted about 30 seconds and it was very impersonal. His friend then disclosed to him that she had said he "wasn't very good." As far as I am concerned, his buddy should not have shared that with him. No one wants to hear at that age when they lose their virginity that they basically suck at it. He had intercourse one other time with a friend and that he said was quite impersonal too. However, at least they had a bed this time. As for his other experience, it was a few blow jobs. Hell, one blow job happened when he won the raffle for one from the stripper at his friend's bachelor party. So, as this shows, he hasn't had a whole hell of a lot of experience that was built on any intimacy. I can naturally see how this would create some problems for the poor man.
Now, flash forward to our relationship. I will be honest, I haven't been around the block either. I lost my virginity at 26 and after that relationship of a few years I have had my share of women problems due to the after effects of birth control usage etc...However, my desire for my partner is ridiculously strong. I mean, for the first time in my life I just want to give the very best of myself both emotionally and physically to someone. I have tried just about everything to get him aroused. I've done lingerie, we've visited sex shops, watched porno together, I used a sex toy in front of him, I've filmed myself masturbating for his birthday, we did phone sex and I've written erotic stories for him, given him oral in a parking lot, a hand job in a movie theater, oral in the woods at a public hiking trail etc...I have done just about everything in my power to make this man sexually satisfied and go crazy with desire.
So, after all of this time, we have probably been intimate about 15 times. He loves getting oral and has no problem telling me how he likes his oral sex and how his nipples are sensitive and that a prostate massage in the future even interests him. Clearly, the problem isn't repression. He has erectile problems which I would really like him to look into and finally he is going to but it goes deeper than that (no pun intended). It's almost like he can't grasp the concept of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. He knows that sexually we have major problems but he doesn't really do anything to help remedy them. Even if we could never have intercourse (which I am sure we can with a little help...), I just want him to want me. Now, he does have serious sleep apnea and he is going to have a sleep study next week. He was diagnosed years ago but didn't treat it properly so I am sure that doesn't help. He also had kidney disease but that is under control currently and his thyroid condition is regulated too.
I have asked him many times what the problem is in the most loving way that I can. I tell him that I have never wanted a man as I do him. He is going to a therapist and I am starting to join him too for couples therapy. I asked him if it is a lack of chemistry and he says that isn't it and I asked him in a non-joking or judgmental way if he were possibly in denial about being gay but he swears that is not the issue. He says he is upset we have our problems but cannot understand why we do either. It has taken a huge toll on my self esteem in our relationship. It's sad because though I am not a beauty queen, I do get a lot of attention from other men and it is very difficult when the one that you want and love isn't able to grasp why we have problems in the bedroom. He was considering seeking a hypnotherapist. I have even told him that I have come to the chats here and have had other men pretend to be him in role play so that I can imagine he is typing to me and that still hasn't lit the fire under his ass. Hell, he has even seen other men hit on me.
He is a good man and it really seems like he wants a sex life but something is holding him back from taking charge of things. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? I truly don't know what to make of it. It could partially be libido but I'm not even clear that it's really that. I have tried to build his confidence in the bedroom as much as I can on the rare occasions that we have been there. After all, he is still a man and I can safely say that he is not getting his needs met elsewhere.

 

[John Blackhawk]

Well if im reading what you say correctly i think it sounds as if something is screwing with his self confidence. Now i admit i don't claim to be any sort of psychology expert. It could be the incident you described or something else. I also can't rule out a physical problem either. The thing i think needs to be done is break it down and figure out where things start losing the magic for your guy.

 

[LaOrca]

I think there is a definite self esteem issue but I have trouble believing that after all of this time and the love and support I have tried to show him that he can even contain himself sexually anymore. The problem is that he is very closed off at times and I can't get a clear answer on if he feels like his libido is truly down or not. I get mixed messages sometimes.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[Ivan_Dragooo]

bus driver
While having sex doggy style, the left thumb is inserted into the recieveer's rectum and turned from side to side essentially driving the bus. The right hand reaches around and squeezes the right breast honking the horn to alert patrons the bus is coming. Don't forget to wave to the people waiting for the bus.

 

[John Blackhawk]

The fact he's closing himself off i think is suggestive there was something more traumatic happening. Because while im not an expert on relationships if i had a girlfriend go through the hoops you described i'd consider myself lucky and i'd try to fight agressively through my issues.

 

[LaOrca]

I think that in a sense he is avoiding the intimacy aspect. He said to me the other day when we were discussing the entirety of our relationship issues (sex being clearly one of the big ones) that so much in his life has failed no matter how hard he tried. I told him to basically stop taking that out on me because we all have had situations where no matter what he did we it didn't work in our favor. I have given him no reason to doubt me. I honestly just don't think he comprehends that fact that sexuality isn't just an impersonal event.

Thank you John, for the kind words. I know if the problems were mine I would most definitely work hard to get through them. There may be something traumatic that happened that he is repressing and the idea of hypnotherapy may not be a bad idea.

I don't expect him to be an all night stud at 58 but I need a lover that is connecting with me and actually does desire being with me. I am so tired of being sexually frustrated. He says that he does desire a sex life with me but after all of this time, something serious has to be holding him back. I just can't make heads or tails of it.

 

[John Blackhawk]

That may be the key there where you said "so much in his life has failed no matter how hard he tried." He may be afraid of failing with you and he's keeping from making any emotional connections.

 

[LaOrca]

Well, I certainly hope that our therapist can really recommend other avenues for us. Maybe him just seeing a sex therapist alone is a good idea too. I like the hypnotherapy because it can potentially unlock the subconscious mind. I just can't wait on this process forever. Like I said, he truly is the love of my life and I would work with him on anything but our sex life is at a serious standstill. I can't take having all of this desire for him all of this time and really not being able to fulfill it. I mean, how can that video not have done the trick or my erotic stories? I am a halfway decent writer and even my raunchy text messages...
I'll just be honest here too. There are so many moments where I just want to take raunchy pictures and send them off to him but even that I know will probably not amount to much. How depressing... *L*

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[LaOrca]

Well, I will say this. In any relationship that I deemed unhealthy in the past, I had no problem letting go. I hated to hurt anyone but I knew enough that I wasn't happy and to get out. I also have no problem being single.
As for this relationship, it's just a totally different scenario with a little bit of history because we knew each other in the past for a few years and were actually supposed to date but timing wasn't right and I met someone else. We reconnected two Decembers ago and things were quite different. He and I have some very similar interests, similar senses of humor and we are both very involved with our families. We share some experiences that not everyone can relate to and that some would judge and that is a real plus.

 

[LaOrca]

I've asked him if he just wasn't feeling "it" on more than one occasion and he says that he definitely is. His family also says that they have never seen him happier. I have told him to please let me know if he just isn't into this and I will move on. I am not one of those assholes that will pull the "you ruined my life" routine that so many do. I prefer honesty to being led on. That is all that I ever ask.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[LaOrca]

Good to note that, thank you. It may be more of a sexual therapist that he needs. The couples one is good but we may need one more specialized in deep rooted sexual problems. Also, thanks for the vote of luck. Only time will tell. I hate to have to give this one up but eventually, that may be the only solution...

 

[extreme_hetro_sex]

Is he on some medicines due to his kidney problems? The reason why I am asking this is, there are some drugs that can reduce the hormonal activities.

I think god has a sense of humor. He likes diversity. Maybe your guy just built that way. Men (most of them) don't like to share there problems. I hope your guy is a sharing kind of guy. I think he has a low self-esteem. Help him fight his demons. I wish both of you best of luck for the therapy.

 

[Primalex]

You are trying to fix his insecurity by telling him that you think he is gay and that you are having sex chats with other men?

Way to go, girl.

 

[Nezhul]

As far as I am concerned, his buddy should not have shared that with him. No one wants to hear at that age when they lose their virginity that they basically suck at it.

well, if 30 seconds of sex didn't give him a clue, then it's totally fine and well for somebody to break those news to him.
I mean, yea, it suck to hear that. But if this was a surprise - then that means he was completely clueless and needed that talk to improve.

So, after all of this time, we have probably been intimate about 15 times.

Look. He's old. I mean, there's no denying that.
Men at that age start to lose libido rapidly. That's the fact that you need to accept.
Depending on his health conditions as well a his innate force, this may happen sooner or later or not happen at all.
That's the c ore of your problems. Not you, but him. To some extent this may be remedied if he wants to make that change for himself or for your sake. If he doesn't - well, then just accept that he's not a very good lover.

now I'll be a mood-breaker perhaps, but you gotta understand that as years go by this will only get worse, because he's getting old. He's 25 years older than you. Chances are he will die WAY before you, and what you will be left with is a wasted youth with no satisfaction from sex and no opportunity to turn things around.

Yea, you say he's a love of your life, but from what I can tell - you are not very experienced. Naturally he's very good to you because you are so much younger than him and basically a golden nugget in his hands. And naturally you feel fondly towards him because you are just love-bombed by his affection and care.
But is this Love with a big L? I'm not convinced.

Perhaps. It's very hard to give any advice to you, because there's always a chance that I'm wrong and you are made for each other so everything's worth it.

But I would try and get a partner who's not twice as old as you. Get married to him and have children.

 

[LaOrca]

After a year and three months, I don't think it's totally unreasonable to question in an empathetic way if there is a possibility of sexual confusion. It happens on occassion and I wanted him to feel it was safe to disclose that to me and I would be supportive of him if that were the case. It certainly wouldn't be a positive for me but if he could be happy, that is what matters. No one really wants to live a lie.
As for talking to other men in chat (which happened only a few times), I clearly stated that I wanted those men to type to me as if they were him. I just wanted to type out fantasies as opposed to totally living in my head.
Listen, I get that he's older but he's certainly not at the twilight of his life yet. Many men continue to have a healthy (though in many cases less frequent) sex life. It's not just about intercourse but about intimately connecting in the bedroom. John not having had those experiences just may struggle putting that into action though he said he wants to. I foolishly assumed that having been starved of that, he would go wild with me. He even told me he was sexually frustrated prior to me but now look who's frustrated?
I am not into the whole marriage and children deal. Well, possibly marriage but even then I need my space.

 

[SeanBurns1975]

Do you know why he waited so long to lose his virginity? Remember, there are more colours to the rainbow than just gay and straight; he might have an extremely low sex drive (been there done that... well did very little of it actually but I can understand your position) or be asexual. Mental illnesses like depression and anxiety can have serious effects on sex drive as well as many medications (as another poster suggested). The most heartening ting is that he seems willing to explore the issue and take positive steps to a resolution. I wish you nothing but happiness!!

 

[Nzerxx]

Hey there I just caught up on this post....

Not to freak you out at all but could it be that he has some degree of high functioning Autism?

I have a background in the disability sector and sometimes people it's autism can find it hard to connect on an intimate level or understand that it is a 2 way street and you need your needs met as well

Just an idea for consideration. It sounds like you guys are doing the right thing by seeing a therapist, and they will be much more knowledgable then me but I'm sure you can get something better then the status quo

Feel free to pm me if you want to char

 

[SweetCupcake]

I really feel for you. He is a very lucky man to have such a patient, concerned and loving partner.

It would seem appropriate to have a very, very thorough physical examination to rule out purely physical issues that may be dealt with in a straightforward manner. Someone mentioned maybe he is on certain medication that could definitely impact his libido -- be sure to disclose any meds or even vitamins, etc. A physical could also disclose just plain low testosterone or other hormonal issues.

Perhaps you have already done this; you might consider something more thorough than just a standard physical check up.

I wish you the best. You both deserve a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

Some people place a higher importance on sex than others. And some people just have a lower sex drive. While it's nice when two people match up in that department, and less frustrating, I don't think it's as important as general compatibility or the ability to connect on a deeper level. But the question is, how important is it to you? If you need more sexual activity to be fulfilled in the relationship, then you are going to have a difficult time making it work with someone who isn't built that way.

Also, the demands of daily life and the pressure of sexual expectations can be huge stresses that are counterproductive to a healthy sex life. My advice would be to find other ways to share that type of intimacy as a starting point. First, realize that his lack of sexual desire doesn't reflect how he feels about you, the same as an insatiable appetite doesn't validate someone's love for you. You've obviously made it clear to him that you want/need a little more from him in this department. I would try simpler things to get things flowing. Set aside slots of time where just being together is the goal...a romantic dinner at home, dress up nice - not overly sexy, but pretty - engage in stimulating conversation, get to know each other in a deeper but non sexual way ( I realize you've already been together for a while and probably think you've already done this, but a lot of times it's the little things that get overlooked). Have a specific date night each week. Try to incorporate basic daily things into your showing of affection towards each other...sharing a shower or taking a bath together, washing or caring for each other can be a very intimate thing. Cuddling on the couch to watch a movie, holding hands, a sensual body massage, sleeping nude, more touching/petting. Basically, creating a relaxed environment where affection and intimacy are normal and natural. Then you toss in random sexual acts...oral, mutual masturbation, and intercourse. Get comfortable with self pleasure too, alone or in front of him, to relieve some of the built up tension. Less emphasis on him actually performing might have a more positive affect in the long run. Beyond that...a physical with his doctor. Medication might be needed. A proper diet and routine exercise also help.

Maybe you've already tried all this and your patience is running out. Maybe you'll have to reevaluate and decide if your needs can or can't be met and if this relationship is a good fit for you. Good luck. I hope things work out.

 

[LaOrca]

Thank you for the kind words and support, everyone. I really, really do appreciate it. As for the possibility of a very high functioning Autism, I definately considered that but many signs don't point to that either. I definitely believe there is anxiety and some depression at play, There was also a turning point several months into our relationship where I think it may be possible now that both a psychological and medical event took place. I am extremely patient but I won't lie and say that I have moments where I struggle with that patience. Our therapist is trying to get him to open up a lot more, which would really help.
Listen, I'm not a nympho here (I know...boring...*L*) but sexual contact would be nice here and there. I do agree that sex certainly isn't the basis for a successful relationship. If I loved someone and they were truly medically unable to make love but emotionally we connected wonderfully and I knew they desired me in their mind and heart, we would make our relationship work. No doubt.
Well, he had the sleep study and in a week or so he and the specialist will plan the best way to tackle his apnea. I know that will definitely help him feel a lot better, if nothing else. He will see a neurologist soon too and that may eliminate some other possibilities or not. I think hormone imbalance is certainly possible too.
I'm not pushing anything sexually on my end for the time being. At the moment, I'm a bit cooled off...*L* Again, thanks for the support and kindness.