Snippets

[Serafina1210]

Sure

Oh fuck please can I use this!

If you're talking about mine, feel free. Abandoned story. Oh fuck, but I liked that paragraph, though.

 

[patientlee]

Upon the table lay three items: a handkerchief, a book, and a knife.

 

[BSBorgess]

If you're talking about mine, feel free. Abandoned story. Oh fuck, but I liked that paragraph, though.

Yes... it's perfect!

 

[slyc_willie]

Upon the table lay three items: a handkerchief, a book, and a knife.

Something about that sounds familiar . . . .

 

[Serafina1210]

Mm

Upon the table lay three items: a handkerchief, a book, and a knife.

Wonderful tease.

 

[patientlee]

Wonderful tease.

That's the common first line for the FAWC 5 challenge. All the stories in the challenge will start with that sentence. Slyc wrote it.

 

[49greg]

I've been trying to work a short conversation into a story for some time, so far it never felt right. Actually I stole it, or plan to steal it, from an old "Dr. Kildare" movie I saw on TCM.

Dr K asks the sexy patient for a favor.

Sexy Patient answers: "I always give one favor for free"

Dr. K: "Don't worry, I'll never ask for another."

Sexy: "Don't be too sure, of course you'll have to pay for another."

The entire movie was schlock, just had TCM on in the background and was doing something else, those lines sprang out at me. I thought there was a lot of sexual fire there.

 

[BSBorgess]

How about going here to read my snippet

http://eroticastoriesbss.wordpress.com/2014/05/22/new-cover-for-valeries-dreams/

 

[glynndah]

“Is that expensive?”
“Not too bad, a hundred dollars or thereabouts. But it's gonna cost you a pretty penny to have one shipped clear out here."
The few pennies Barbara had left weren't very pretty, probably because they'd been sharing that center console with a scratched pair of sunglasses and a few extra packets of ketchup.

 

[LaRascasse]

Okay, here's one from an ongoing effort I hope to submit this week.

“We're alike, Rebecca. We're both puppets, dancing for the amusement of those who can afford it. The only difference is, I can see the strings and I know the script. It doesn't mean I can change it.”

EDIT - If you want something more sexual from the same story, here is another excerpt.

The tipsy doctor clambered up to her and they kissed. The kiss was hungry and passionate, exemplifying an unfed need in both women. Rebecca kissed down her neck and shoulder blade, allowing herself the liberty of a sharp nip at the skin every now and again. Heather moaned at the bites, her fingers enmeshed in her lover's hair, directing the movements.

Rebecca dipped lower, bringing her attentions to Heather's torso. The lawyer disentangled her fingers and lit up a fresh Marlboro. She took a pull, feeling the cocktail of nicotine flow through her and out of her mouth in a brief puff. Her brain was shaken back to the moment when she felt her nipple pinched and tweaked again. The doctor sucked her right nub into her mouth and sent recently familiar feelings tingling through her nervous system.

Heather groaned, feeling a desperate ache within her finally sated. She took another long drag and let her cigarette dangle off her hand. The doctor zigzagged across the length and breadth of her torso in a series of tortuously slow licks. Her tongue went lower with every passing sweep of her lover's body. Heather let out a low moan, deciding to sit back and be a spectator to the deconstruction of her own body.

 

[slyc_willie]

“Is that expensive?”
“Not too bad, a hundred dollars or thereabouts. But it's gonna cost you a pretty penny to have one shipped clear out here."
The few pennies Barbara had left weren't very pretty, probably because they'd been sharing that center console with a scratched pair of sunglasses and a few extra packets of ketchup.

Glynndah! A for the witch from the good little Willie

Okay, here's one from an ongoing effort I hope to submit this week.

Honestly, I liked the first one better. It made me think of all sorts of things . . . none of which resembled the second part.

 

[litmlove]

“I suppose I would.” But she didn’t, and we couldn’t, so to say I was disappointed was a massive understatement.

After our conversation I couldn’t pay attention to the movie, I was dreaming of what could have been and what did happen. It must have been about midway through the movie when I said, “You know, I have been fantasizing about that night ever since.”

She quipped, “Heh, me too!”

[Past-tense 1st-person] FWIW, I am a new writer and I haven't had any editorial help yet.

I am writing a story to put a character in as many awkward situation as possible.

 

[oggbashan]

from yet another incomplete story...

“Heather,” she blurted, “you know that I have been doing some research into potions witches used…”

“Yes,” I replied cautiously.

“I’ve found one that is easy to make and it works!”

“It works? What do you mean, Jill?”

“I’ve tried it. It works.”

“So what’s to get excited about. Some of the old wives’ remedies do work. Most don’t. What’s so special that it has got you excited?”

Jill looked around the almost empty shop. She picked up her coffee and sipped. She bent forward to whisper in my ear.

“It’s a way to make sex more enjoyable.”

“What is it? Viagra?”

 

[litmlove]

“Heather,” she blurted, “you know that I have been doing some research into potions witches used…”

“Yes,” I replied cautiously.

“I’ve found one that is easy to make and it works!”

“It works? What do you mean, Jill?”

“I’ve tried it. It works.”

“So what’s to get excited about. Some of the old wives’ remedies do work. Most don’t. What’s so special that it has got you excited?”

Jill looked around the almost empty shop. She picked up her coffee and sipped. She bent forward to whisper in my ear.

“It’s a way to make sex more enjoyable.”

“What is it? Viagra?”

Interesting, I like how you can tell how one character is skeptical (as a realist), and the potion might challenge their belief in the fantasy.

I am not saying anything is wrong - but I think you will benefit from actually reading the dialogue ALOUD. The sentences will subtly change as the characters use natural language & expression to emphasize.

- [“I’ve found one that is easy to make and it works!”] then might change to [“I’ve found one that is easy to make... and it works!”]

- [“It’s a way to make sex more enjoyable.”] to ["It make sex more awesome."] or something stupid like that. I don't know - I don't know your characters personalities and I am no master writer.

 

[oggbashan]

Interesting, I like how you can tell how one character is skeptical (as a realist), and the potion might challenge their belief in the fantasy.

I am not saying anything is wrong - but I think you will benefit from actually reading the dialogue ALOUD. The sentences will subtly change as the characters use natural language & expression to emphasize.

...

Thank you for this. I appreciate the analysis. Your comments might have helped in the Dialog thread but that has turned into a slanging match.

It is a snippet - from a story that has so far gone nowhere. When completed and edited the dialogue could be revised, and probably should be.

But I disagree slightly with your suggestion that dialogue on Literotica should be read aloud. It is intended to be read, on a screen, not aloud. Although I agree that that snippet needs cleaning up and the dialogue needs work, what reads as dialogue is not like real recorded conversation. There should be hints of contractions, of hesitations, and certainly interrupted sentences - but only hints, not the real thing.

It's like showing dialect and foreigners speaking English - too much can be irritating and distracting. A flavour of the dialect or difficulty with English is enough to give the reader the idea.

Kipling's early writing using Indian Army slang is a dreadful example of 'How Not To Do It'. He was trying to show how soldiers actually talk, but he took it too far. No soldier ever spoke Kipling's dialogue, and he was severely criticised for it. He was much better in his later children's books Puck of Pook's Hill and Rewards and Fairies. He gives a slight flavour of how historic characters might have talked, but in a way that then modern readers could understand clearly.

 

[slyc_willie]

From something I just started . . . .

There's something about staring down a barrel of a gun that makes me a little bit ornery. Maybe I'm funny that way, but when some urban punk's got a gun pointed at my head, I'm not exactly inclined to be cordial.

 

[robertreams]

I thought this might be a fun little way for us all to share little bits of our writing. The rules are simple:

1. Post a line or small parcel (say, two to three lines at most) from something you're currently writing, or, failing that, something you've recently written.

2. Don't explain the background, the nature of the story, or anything leading up to the line. Indicating that it's the opening line or last line of a story is fine, however. Just put it out there. If anyone asks about it, feel free to expound in subsequent posts.

3. No bashing.

I'll start with the next post.

In his own room, slipping into his shorts, Neal looked at himself in the full length mirror, saw himself in a whole new way, saw himself as a person who inspired love in another. Did he, could he, love Jeff in return. Was he turning down a new road in life and if so, where would it lead? Would he find truth, love, fulfillment. Or perdition, dissolution and ruin?

 

[robertreams]

some people will find any excuse to start a fight

 

[robertreams]

ick! and double ick!

 

[robertreams]

limlove: what you have suggested is an improper use of an ellipsis. The passage was fine the way it is written. Not everyone is as hesitant as you might think, some people speak very fluently. And I agree also that dialogue in fiction should suggest actual conversation, not duplicate it exactly, just as the fiction itself should be 'true to life' rather than strictly true. The southern cracker doesn't exactly say: "Y'all cum see us naow heah.", but the way I have written the sentence suggests how one individual I have created Might speak.