Sneak Peek of Amanda's Gift

[WraithXIII]

I am working on my first story submission and I'd like some constructive criticism. Here is a small excerpt of what I have done....


"Thanks," she whispered. I nodded, reveling in the touch of her skin, the scent of her hair. I felt my loins become aroused and I immediately thought of ways to cool the flaring flames within. But as if she could sense my arousal and wanted to make it more difficult on me, she laid her head on my shoulder, now so close that her right breast pushed against my ribs. I closed my eyes, trying to picture how it looked from a distance, her so close to me, me trying to hide my desire for her as she absently finished her cigarette.
Then in an instant, she was extracting herself from my hold, standing up and moving to the door. She whispered something, but so angry was I with myself, I mumbled an affirmative. Then she was gone, the door had closed and I sat alone again. I cursed myself, not because I had just made a move on my good friend's wife, but because I didn't enjoy it. I tried to see it from outside of myself, and now I couldn't even remember how she felt against me. Her heat was gone and the cold wind embraced me now, its silent hiss sounding like mocking laughter of an evil temptress, teasing me with its embrace. Frowning to myself, I moved to go back in when I caught her scent, quick and very faint, but I inhaled quickly, as if to pull her very essence into myself. Then with that shred of her to hold onto, I went to my room, thought of pleasuring myself, but instead fell asleep with Amanda my last thought....


So what do you think, any and all replies will be appreciated. Thanks Much!

 

[WraithXIII]

Hey Thanks!

Thanks for all the constructive criticism. It'll go to a good cause.

 

[Gray Lord]

I am working on my first story submission and I'd like some constructive criticism. Here is a small excerpt of what I have done....


"Thanks," she whispered. I nodded, reveling in the touch of her skin, the scent of her hair. I felt my loins become aroused and I immediately thought of ways to cool the flaring flames within. But as if she could sense my arousal and wanted to make it more difficult on me, she laid her head on my shoulder, now so close that her right breast pushed against my ribs. I closed my eyes, trying to picture how it looked from a distance, her so close to me, me trying to hide my desire for her as she absently finished her cigarette.
Then in an instant, she was extracting herself from my hold, standing up and moving to the door. She whispered something, but so angry was I with myself, I mumbled an affirmative. Then she was gone, the door had closed and I sat alone again. I cursed myself, not because I had just made a move on my good friend's wife, but because I didn't enjoy it. I tried to see it from outside of myself, and now I couldn't even remember how she felt against me. Her heat was gone and the cold wind embraced me now, its silent hiss sounding like mocking laughter of an evil temptress, teasing me with its embrace. Frowning to myself, I moved to go back in when I caught her scent, quick and very faint, but I inhaled quickly, as if to pull her very essence into myself. Then with that shred of her to hold onto, I went to my room, thought of pleasuring myself, but instead fell asleep with Amanda my last thought....

"Thanks," she whispered. (seperate your Dialogue from your text)

I nodded, reveling in the touch of her skin, the scent of her hair. I felt my loins become aroused and I immediately thought of ways to cool the (flaring flames)(rather odd adj here) within. But as if she could sense my arousal and wanted to make it more difficult on me, she laid her head on my shoulder, now so close that her right breast pushed against my ribs. I closed my eyes, trying to picture how it looked from a distance, her so close to me, me trying to hide my desire for her as she absently finished her cigarette.

(break up your text, it makes it easier to read)

Then in an instant, she was extracting herself from my hold, standing up and moving to the door. She whispered something, but so angry was I with myself, I mumbled an affirmative. Then she was gone, the door had closed and I sat alone again. I cursed myself, not because I had just made a move on my good friend's wife, but because I didn't enjoy it.

(another good place for a break)
I tried to see it from outside of myself, and now I couldn't even remember how she felt against me. Her heat was gone and the cold wind embraced me now, its silent hiss sounding like mocking laughter of an evil temptress, teasing me with its embrace. (Frowning to myself)(don't need the 'myself' here, just say frowning), I moved to go back in when I caught her scent, quick and very faint, but I inhaled quickly, as if to pull her very essence into myself. Then with that shred of her to hold onto, I went to my room, thought of pleasuring myself, but instead fell asleep with Amanda my last thought....

(Sounds like you have a good story started though. Keep it going.)


So what do you think, any and all replies will be appreciated. Thanks Much!