Snake Bite

[R E THEGN]

SNAKE BITE - NEW AUTHOR

MY FIRST STORY WAS APPROVED TODAY, 1/24/04.

I WRITE FOR ME...FOR MY ENJOYMENT. EROTICA EXISTS IN ONE'S MIND. WHAT IS EROTIC TO ONE MIGHT BE BORING TO ANOTHER, BUT I AM INTERESTED IN YOUR FEEDBACK.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE CHARACTERS, THE THEME, SEX, HUMOR, ETC...

I'VE STARTED THE OUTLINE FOR THE CONTINUATION OF SNAKE BITE, THIS TIME WITH A MORE HUMOROUS, BUT STILL SEXY BENT.

YOUR FEEDBACK CAN PLAY A ROLE IN THE STORY.

YOU'LL FIND THE FIRST EDITION AT:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=125230

YOU CAN ALSO E-MAIL ME: landowner8

 

[R E THEGN]

HEY R E
REALLY LICKED YOUR STORY. WATCHED WITH MY LADY LAST NIGHT.
TRIED THAT BIT WITH THE DENTAL FLOS. SHE LUVED IT!

COURSE LATER I GOT HAIR IN MY TEETH SO I HAD TO TAKE IT OFF ONE NIP

SHE REALLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NEXT CHAPTER IN NY

 

[R E THEGN]

sorry to hear that your lady has hair on her chest!

only kidding....it doesn't take much imagination to figure how you got hair in your teeth.

a word of caution! practice safe sex...please don't tie those nipples too tightly.

Respectfully, Lord Thegn

 

[Omni]

Well by the way you posted with ALL caps and the, I write for myself and no one else part, I excepted your story not to be very good.

But surprise! This is a very good story. I liked your characters, especially the man. His humor was engaging. Your writing flows. And, the sex was interesting and arousing with the whole story moving well around the conversation.

My only nit pick point was during the first little part I did not realize this was a man in the lead, until "he" got the phone call.

This is a little jewel amongst.......


Omni

 

[R E THEGN]

reply to omni

My Dear Ms. Omni,

Thank you for your "criticism" and your kind words. I am flattered!

I have to explain my "I write for me"......comment. I had just read another writer's post which said, in effect, if you don't like my story, f...y.., I won't write another. My reaction...what pomposity!

I do write for my enjoyment and I do seek approval, but my "retort" was kinda immature, huh? I agree with you that I may have turned readers "off".

I've completed the outline and started drafting Snake Bite II, the continuing story....Bill gets "younger", Mercy gets "older"....with humor and sex, all the way through.

I look forward to your critique!

Your humble and obedient servant,
Lord Thegn

 

[Guest]

I enjoyed you story very much.

Very well written, I believe you will be a big hit here on lit.


Peace, Jmt

 

[carmelize2]

I really liked your story although I thought the language was a liitle rough in the sex parts. I'm not a prude but I think other words would have been just as good.

I am 22 years old and in the same position as Mercy. My boyfriend and her boyfriend could be the same guy. The only climax I get is when my own fingers walk through the pink pages.

Maybe I should look for an older man, maybe 28-32, not 47. No way.

When will the New York part be available?

Carmel Eyes

 

[Guest]

I'm almost 47 and my wife is 33, she doesn't have any complaints.

LOL!

The older the violin, the sweeter the music.

Jmt

 

[R E THEGN]

Hey, JMT

I see that Carmel eyes got your neck hair rising!

She doesn't realize that time, with proper nurturing, improves not only wine, but people also.

I didn't mind her comments about what she thought were "rough" words in Snake Bite or her comparison to Marcy's boyfriend. Her rough words comment is something to be considered for the future.

What really got to me was her treading on my fantasy. Them thar's fightin' words. I'm referring to her "maybe 28-32, not 47. No way".

What can I say, JMT. We're both old enough to know that love and lust is wasted on the young.

Notice that she wants to know when the NY part will be available.
Ha! Ha! Dream on girl!

 

[Guest]

I think having a "younger woman" is a fantasy for most men, at least all of them I have talked to.

Check out "Adventures in Photography Ch. 1" on my story link.

LOL, anyway we can always dream, can't we?

Jmt

 

[CelticFrog]

Well, I'm reading as I post this. So it may look a little jagged. Then again, my mind seems to be jagged today...

First comment -- I'll have to agree that unless I had read the previous comments, it would have taken a while for me to realize the sex of the lead character. Then again, I don't know that it would have mattered except to my own curiosity.

Second comment -- I can't help it, I love the fact that the lead character's son is in the Air Force. Even casual mention like this of the military automatically gets more attention from me.

Third (why am I numbering these???) -- " My tongue traced a line from her clit, down hers lips and up to her asshole."
This sentence almost confused me. I had to go back and reread the previous paragraphs to make sure I knew whether she was on her back or stomach. The down and up didn't make a lot of sense. Personally, I would have used "up her lips and past them to her asshole" or something to that effect. Nothing hugely painful, but one small thing I noticed. You'll get a lot of that from me, I'm afraid!

Fourth -- I loved how you ended this one. The segue into what I tend to call 'old fashioned pet names' was a tiny bit abrupt for me but very well put nonetheless. "Will you bring the serpent and the thermometer?" I LOVED THIS SENTENCE. Especially at the end of the page. Whether it just 'fell' there or was intentional, it was perfectly placed.

Good job -- I'll admit I was also a little leery of reading it at first. I'm glad I did now.

One other thing -- the age difference? I can say nothing other than I have known more perfect relationships built despite the age difference than I have relationships amongst those with little age difference.

Good job.
Ang

 

[R E THEGN]

CELTIC FROG (ANG)

Thanks for your comments. As you probably are aware this is my first venture in writing, although that certainly doesn't excuse my anatomical goof. Good catch!

My story Snake Bite, chapter 2 was just approved

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=128721

and I welcome whatever comments or criticism you share with me.

After your catch of my goof I re-read SB 2 and I may have done it again! For a man of my age, that's frightening, but it just shows that I have probably forgotten more than most people know...at least I hope so!

Awaiting your critique,

Respectfully,

Lord Thegn

 

[CelticFrog]

First....

CHANGE YER LINK!!!
I got to the bottom of that page, totally and utterly confused, and realized your link was to the final page of Chapter 2.

Now that I'm reading it from START to finish...

"Here I was, a chick just out of its shell. Would I like what I found and adjust to it or want to live it? Bill told me not to worry; I'd be as happy as a pig in...something or other. I asked him if that was a proper comment to make to a young lady! He laughed. Well, he does have a way with words, doesn't he?"

Hm. Odd paragraph. I'm having a hard time deciding which 'version' of chick you're using here. Are you saying "a chick just out of HER shell" as in female woman, or are you saying "a small newborn chicken just out of ITS shell"? Just a perfectly confusing use of terminology there. Not bad, but I noticed. Then again, I notice things.

"...the third life adjustment" -- I just checked back through the preceding paragraphs and couldn't find any other references to life adjustments.

"The leather was as soft as a baby's bottom, even my bottom."
Just me being nitpicky. Like I've told others, disregard me if I get too picky. It's my... uh.... WAY.
So......... me? I think that sentence is just fine without the 'even my bottom' part.

"Then he asked, "First to trip to New York?""
A McDonald's Happy Meal if you can tell me what's wrong with this one. *snicker*
""Yes, its overwhelming!"" this one's just missing an apostrophe. (sorry, I'm evil!!!)

---side note--- I'm having WAY too much fun with this. Forgive me if I get belligerent. *snort*

"Me too you, Bill" -- I would just switch around the too and you. I like this sort of sentence phrasing, by the way.

--"Me too you, Bill. Uhmmm, the sign at the airport was kinda embarrassing."

"Oh, the receptionist must have misunderstood!"

"A conspiracy, huh?" He laughed.
-- who said the middle sentence?

prepare yourself... nitpick coming...
""My posslq...person of opposite sex sharing living quarters!""
heh... don'tcha mean poOsslq? heh heh... sorry.

"She's staring at me; she knows my brain is lop-sided! I never thought I'd have the guts to say the things I did and I'm the most outspoken SOB in New York. Shit...shit...shit."
If you change character perspectives, even if it's obvious as hell, maybe putting that one paragraph in italics would be spiffy, since it's isolated.

Yep. The change of character almost throws me.

"*snip*we were ready to eat I had started to *snip*"
I think you may have forgotten a period between eat and I.

Am I evil, or what? Seriously, if I'm offending you, just imagine bitch-slapping the frog on your screen and blow raspberries in the general direction of Idaho.

I'm not sure the genital size conversation had to happen. Just me. It almost felt like the incredibly sexy literature turned to flat out porn.

All in all, a nice story. Got a little dizzy with the character switches. Course, I started out with a headache.

Hope that satisfies your... uh... desire...? for comments.


Ang

 

[R E THEGN]

Celticfrog (Ang)

Just returned from a business trip so I need a little time to digest your full critique, not just your nitpicking.

I did, however, change the link on Snake Bite, Chapter 2 to the first page. They don't call us virgins for nothin'!

I appreciate your help.

Lord R E Thegn

You'll find my work at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=301476

 

[R E THEGN]

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE RESPONDED BY E-MAIL TO MY EARLIER SUBMISSIONS.

YES, I AM WORKING ON ANOTHER STORY, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT VERY DILIGENTLY. THERE ARE MAJOR PULLS ON MY FREE TIME. I AM TARGETING NEXT MONTH TO COMPLETE THIS PIECE.

A SPECIAL NOTE TO PENNY J. YOUR COMMENTS SWELLED MY HEAD, AMONG OTHER THINGS, AT LEAST TWO SIZES. MY NEW STORY DOES, IN FACT, INCLUDE SOME OF YOUR "PREFERENCES".

R E THEGN