single parenting problemo

[lickerish]

Are there any single (or not so single anymore) parents out there? I have an issue....

 

[shyybabe]

Single mom of one 11 going on 16 year old boy. Issues...creep up every day it seems.

 

[Georgia Girl]

Single mom of one 4 yr old boy who is going on 36.

To borrow a line from Lord Kronos -- I don't have issues I have a full subscription.

Whats up?

Dawn

 

[calypso_21]

Soon to be single mom of two, a girl 5 (going on 18) and a boy 2. Am curious as to the question and the responses.

 

[lickerish]

I've been a single mom for the majority of 8 years.. I have a soon-to-be 7 and 8 year old daughters. Their dad really isn't in the picture but more than twice a year, for 5 minutes at a time. So, basically they've had only me for the long haul... and they're not keen on sharing me with anyone. I've had two 3 month relationships in the last 5 years... and I have to admit that they (my girls) have done their best at sabotaging them. They prefer me to be all theirs and theirs alone.

So, like, I've met this totally amazing guy .. it's like he stepped out of my dreams and just *poof* was there in my life. We really would like this to be long term, but my kidlets are not some happy campers. They like *him*, they just don't like him *with* mom. It makes hand holding, sitting next to each other watching tv, and other stuff, very difficult. It helps that we've both agreed that we're not going to let my girls jealousy get to us, but I've never had this be successful.. I need advice, ideas, (etc..) so...

Single parents (or not so single anymore) that have been there done that, how did you get around jealous kids and make it work?

 

[Guest]

Seriously, therapy to address a lack of a dad and a transition period like this might help. Dads that are ass holes or out of the picture have a huge impact on kids... I run an inpatient psychiatric unit for kids up to 18, and 80% of the time this is a root cause for the problems.

Hang in there, and good luck.

 

[Guru]

 

[dreamer]

Find time alone with him. I'm currently going through this in a long distance relationship. She has two 12's an 11 and two 10s. For reasons other than the kids it's been REALLY tough.

The best advice I can give you from MY perspective is take the time AWAY from the kids to build a relationship between the two of you.

If the kids accept him...damn they love me...I think the hardest battle has been won with regards to them. Just beware making this a relationship about the kids and not the two of you.

From the kids perspective, both my parents remaried when I was 13 so I remember going through a lot of this. I felt comfortable with them but was amazed at the progression of the relationships. I give credit to them having a life outside of my involvement.

Good luck. If the relationship evolves to really serious some sort of group consoling may be nice but I agree with Guru some of these things are just facts of having kids.

 

[amelia]

my mom and dad divorced when i was 3..and i lived with my dad..i barely spent any time with my mom and when i did see her, she always had a new boyfriend...

my sister and i did everything we could to get rid of those losers..

and then one day a wonderful guy came into my mom's life...we weren't happy about it at first, but...they just kept on hangin out...he didn't pay any attention to our negativity and he tried to include us in stuff..and after a while we saw how happy he made our mom..and he won us over...he was the best thing that ever happened to my mom..they married and were married for a long time..when he died last year..i realized what a role he played in my mom's life and i was so happy that they had gotten to be together and that he totally ignored the bitchyness that is an 11 year old girl

hang in there..and good luck

 

[Bindii]

I've been a single mom for the majority of 8 years.. I have a soon-to-be 7 and 8 year old daughters. Their dad really isn't in the picture but more than twice a year, for 5 minutes at a time. So, basically they've had only me for the long haul... and they're not keen on sharing me with anyone. I've had two 3 month relationships in the last 5 years... and I have to admit that they (my girls) have done their best at sabotaging them. They prefer me to be all theirs and theirs alone.

So, like, I've met this totally amazing guy .. it's like he stepped out of my dreams and just *poof* was there in my life. We really would like this to be long term, but my kidlets are not some happy campers. They like *him*, they just don't like him *with* mom. It makes hand holding, sitting next to each other watching tv, and other stuff, very difficult. It helps that we've both agreed that we're not going to let my girls jealousy get to us, but I've never had this be successful.. I need advice, ideas, (etc..) so...

Single parents (or not so single anymore) that have been there done that, how did you get around jealous kids and make it work?

Ah been there and done that. I tried to include the kids in the majority of our activities - any man that didn't want to do that was quickly shown the door...after all if he was to join our family he had to love the kids as well as me. But I also made it clear to the kids that sometimes my Bf and I needed time alone....as adults, just as they needed time alone ....as kids with their friends.
They weren't happy to start - and lets face it sharing is not fun. But after a while when they saw that no matter what they threw at us nothing was going to change, he was still going to be a part of our life they came around. (its been 7 years now, and as far as we are concerned he is thier father).


Stay strong
Good luck

 

[lickerish]

I figured as much

It's hard to create time alone for us.. I don't have the 'babysitting resources' like I did before. And besides, spending 'alone' time with him is going to a problem in itself.. my kids already give me the 'you spend more time with him than us' 'you like him more than us' etc... when I don't. I've seen Juspar for like 3 days every 2 weeks for the last (what?) month and a 1/2? and they've had me all their lives. I've been trying to reassure them that even though J makes me happy.. I love them very much and nobody will ever replace them. J's been great, he doesn't mind the attitude problems they have, and he gives great hug for when they stress me out

He think I'm too much of a pushover with them and allow them to walk all over me. Which he's mostly right.. but still. They know how to push my buttons emotionally, and I don't have the guts to stand up to them, and hurt them, because I don't want them to hate me in the long run. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be single until they are 18 and out of the house.. gah..

I think councelling is going to have to be the answer.

Damn.

I screwed up my kids

 

[freakygirl]

Licky

We already discussed this... so I don't need to post anything....

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and I miss you

*hugs*

 

[Guest]

This is a tough issue, but the secret is time, persistance and patience.

To begin with, find things you haven't done (or done much of) the girls enjoy, of course including the new bf. Encourage the bf to do special things with the girls without you. (make an excuse you have something to do, and you're gonna have to get a babysitter for them, then have the bf suggest something special he could do with them instead of a boring babysitter.)

They need to learn trust to this new factor in their life. It will take time, so be patient, but be persistant if you are serious. They have to be hurt their father doesn't see much of them.

Though my ex and I had some horrible fights after divorce, one thing he didn't do was abondon his child. My son had no problems with me dating and I think the abondonment issue is whats rearing it's ugly head here. They don't trust men. They don't want their mommy hurt by another untrustworthy man. They are being protective, out of love.

It comes out like jealousy, cause it's also that. They are used to having you all to themselves. Once they grow an attachment to him, they will enjoy seeing the two of you together.

That's my advise.

Moon

 

[Bindii]

He think I'm too much of a pushover with them and allow them to walk all over me. Which he's mostly right.. but still. They know how to push my buttons emotionally, and I don't have the guts to stand up to them, and hurt them, because I don't want them to hate me in the long run. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be single until they are 18 and out of the house.. gah..

I think councelling is going to have to be the answer.

Damn.

I screwed up my kids

The absolute worst thing you can do is allow your kids to walk all over you. I know its hard, but you are the adult in the relationship and they are the children...don't let them dictate to you.

Kids are smart, they know exactly what to say to make your heart melt and your resolve soften....you need to harden yourself to this kind of tactic. Stand up to them, they won't hate you they will respect you. Stick to your guns, if you say something then it stands even though you may really want to change your mind, try to be strong.

 

[calypso_21]

my mom and dad divorced when i was 3..and i lived with my dad..i barely spent any time with my mom and when i did see her, she always had a new boyfriend...

my sister and i did everything we could to get rid of those losers..

and then one day a wonderful guy came into my mom's life...we weren't happy about it at first, but...they just kept on hangin out...he didn't pay any attention to our negativity and he tried to include us in stuff..and after a while we saw how happy he made our mom..and he won us over...he was the best thing that ever happened to my mom..they married and were married for a long time..when he died last year..i realized what a role he played in my mom's life and i was so happy that they had gotten to be together and that he totally ignored the bitchyness that is an 11 year old girl

hang in there..and good luck

I'm in a similar situation as Amelia. My parents divorced when I was 2, my mother remarried immediately and this man became my father. She married him for security and not for love. So, eight years into the marriage, she got a divorce from the only dad I knew. Long story short...I hated her.

The reason I hated her even more moved in with us three months later. I did some awful things to this guy. But he stuck and he treated my mother great, so eventually he won me over too. Though never fully.

One thing tho, on the therapy bit...it is good for a child, but a suggestion, if you can find a therapist that makes it comfortable for them, not a stuffy office type setting maybe a therapist who works out of their home (there are a number of these) but I would also suggest you go too, so that they don't think it is a bad thing that they are dealing with. It shows that you are working this out with them. You won't go to all if any sessions with them, but talking with the therapist may be healing for you too.

It is a different situation from yours, but no matter what, I wish you happiness, you, your man, and your children.

 

[freakygirl]

Licky

YOU didn't ruin your children.

We discussed this.. you allow them to push you around. You know that.. you admitted here at my house and again here on this thread.

YOU need to show them who the boss is. Don't let them push you around. If you allow them to ruin this relationship.. then Yes YOU have ruined your kids. A parent needs to show the children the right way to act. They need to learn from YOU. If you allow them to do as they please (getting in between you and J, for example) they are going to continue to do it with everyone you come in contact with. This isn't just between you and a man.. this is also between you and your friends. You seen how they were here. They demanded YOUR attention... and they were doing anything to get it (fighting with each other..) Once you started getting after them they started to actually listen to you.

You need to toughen up hon.. I told you that. You will never be happy if you don't nip this in the bud.

Remember your girls are not going to hate you forever..

call me if you need to talk more

 

[lickerish]

I know freaky, I know. The talk you, me, and your mom had hit home and I get what y'all mean.. but it's still hard.

The girls and I went up to see J last weekend and they made it absolutely miserable for us In the end, my older daughter basically had a break down... she was bawling like I've never seen her before. Hands over her eyes, rocking back and forth, begging/asking what she is doing wrong.. 'because she's the one who is supposed to take care of me'. I don't know where she picked this up, but she seems convinced that it's her duty to 'take care of me'.. love me, make me happy. When I had told her J makes me happy (earlier in the day) she assumed I thought she was doing a bad job and now it's his job. The girl was in hysterics, I was bawling my head off, and J was in his room listening to the whole thing.. he said it made him emotional too.

Ever since we left Canada she's been fine.. but he's going to be in here in about 4 hours and I'm a little worried.

I know I let them push me around.. but where do I draw the line? Time outs don't work anymore, spankings don't work, I don't want to yell at.. or beat my kids.. They take the 'punishment' and ignore it 5 minutes after... it's a cycle that won't break. And I don' want to punish them because they think I'm neglecting them anyways.. it will just add to the 'mommy doesn't love me anymore' crap.


Oh.. and I miss you guys over there freak. You'll have to keep me updated on the gossip with J and C and his daughter.

 

[YourSweetOne]

I just wanna agree with Moonwolf

I was in a bit of a different situation as my dad died on my 7th birthday so I didnt have to go thru a divorce. But seeing my mom start to date in what I still think was too short a time(was remarried to the step dad within a year or so but whatever makes her happy is what matters) was hard non the less. The way I think they handled it now that I look back on it as an adult. They did exactly what Moonwolf suggested. He did stuff with my brother and I without her. My whole life my brothers and I had gone on "dates" with mom or dad taking turns with each parent till dad died. My mother contined that after he died and started it with step dad. Remebering of course to not call them "dates" with him cause that would of been putting him in my dads place which was not right and not the goal. God he used to take me for an ice cream cone(at McDonalds a whole quarter back then lol) and I fell head over for him. Anyway guy who treats mom nice and buys me ice cream is alright with me. I suppose it is a form of bribery but 50 cents a week hardly buts anyones wallter behind and doesnt exactly spoil a child in my opinion. Our time with him away from mom really helped us develope a relationship where we didnt resent her time with him a great deal unless of course she broke plans with us to be with him. He died also about 4 years later and one of my brothers cried harder at his funeral then he had at our fathers. Not because he loved him more but because they had developed such a great relationship and it took a lot of work whereas with a natural parent you normally have at least the basis for a great relationship. So I think along with the couselling(cause I am a firm beleiver in shrinks!) a little time with the bf will help a great deal. Especially when the girls come home and can brag to mommy about what a great day they had.(and bragging about a good day is not letting them walk all over you unless they get out of hand which can be curtailed with a little mommy talk) Best of luck im sure itll all work out in the end. He sounds great and wonderfully patient and thats what is important to you now I think. Congrats on finding a man who loves you so totally!

Muah! Take care of you!

 

[freakygirl]

Licky

I know it's hard. But it's something that can be worked out. You have two beautiful intelligent girls.. They know exactly how to push your buttons. And hon, be honest, you allow them to push those buttons. You need to set some ground rules and stick to them.

It's not going to be easy, and I don't envy you. Time, patience and lots of talking to them is the only thing that is going to change this.

There are no easy answers.. I wish there was. You will figure this out.. be patient with you and the girls.. and it will all work out. I promise you that.

*haven't heard from J or C yet.. he was supposed to pick up Chelsea a couple of hours ago, but they didn't stop here. I might not know anything for two more weeks.

 

[Guest]

 

[freakygirl]

I disagree..

I think the children need to be taught that hugging.. kissing and cuddling is a normal part of a relationship. And it doesn't all happen behind closed doors.

I know these kids.. I spent 4 days with them.. from Monday until Thursday. I've seen them and Licky in action. They are very smart girls. They know exactly what they are doing.. and Licky is allowing it. (hon, I'm not putting you down. You know that.. right? I'm just stating a fact here)

We talked for hours about this very subject. There is no easy answer. Just that those girls need to learn.. Mom has a life too.

Licky.. alot of this stems from the passing of Grandma.. and the lack of Dad being around.

Maybe those girls are trying to push J away.. because everyone else that was important to them have "walked out" on them. Maybe they fear.. you or J will leave them to. It very well could be an attatchment problem.

Talk to a counselor. See what needs to be done. You know I'm here to help.. right?

 

[Devilish1]

Thank you Emerald_Eyed

In that parenting class, I learned that you can not let your kids choose your mate. They only are there until they are 18, your mates there forever(hopefully). As long as the man treats your children great, they shouldnt have a say.

Emerald_eyed,
Im glad to see your posting. I have been a single parent for the last 3 years, my son is a 6 year old who thinks hes 21 and knows it all....LOL

The guy i have been dating for the last 6 months or so has been so good to my son. He will take him to the movies, Mc_Donald's when we want to go some where else that DOESNT serve a hamburger....lol He bought him a HUGE over the ground pool for his birthday. Something i sure couldnt had bought him on my own.
Hes a firefighter and hes has given him a ride on the Big red truck( what my son calls it ) and has given him things that his dad has not given. He talks to him, taught him to throw a rock across a lake, hes even taught him to throw a foot ball. He talks to him. Hes what a good dad should be.... BUT... im not in love with him.
There are alot of things that is going on in our realtionship that would take me FOREVER to fill everyone in.
Im wanting to end this realtionship with him and i just cant. Hes been so good to me and my son its hard too. But its not doing either of any good to be in this realtionship when only one of us is in love with the other.
I have talked to my son like hes a big boy, Ive told him what im wanting to do,( yes ive taken a big chance of my son telling on me. but i want him to know whats going on).
Ive told him Mama's not happy with him, im not in love with him, Ive told him i know he likes him, and wants us together, Hes even maded the mistake in the past calling him daddy.
Hes not happy with the thought of not seeing my boyfriend anymore but i think he understands that mama wants to be happy, to be in love with him as much as he is with me.

Its so hard to be with someone and NOT love them when your kids love them almost as much as they love their parents.

I think there is a part of me that cant let the boyfriend go because of my son. I dont want to see him unhappy. But i have come to a place in my life where i cant stay with him and "pretend" im happy.
So thank you Emerald for your posting... it made me feel so much better about what i know i have to do.

My son ALWAYS comes first in my life about alot of things... But when it comes to my happiness, i have to come first.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

Re: Thank you Emerald_Eyed

 

[Calamity Jane]

I disagree..

I think the children need to be taught that hugging.. kissing and cuddling is a normal part of a relationship. And it doesn't all happen behind closed doors.

Totally agree with you Freaks. They need to know that affection is completely normal. No, I don't think a parent should sit on the couch making out with a boyfriend while the kids are up. But holding hands and kissing and touching? The kids should absolutely know that all of that is ok.

I know these kids.. I spent 4 days with them.. from Monday until Thursday. I've seen them and Licky in action. They are very smart girls. They know exactly what they are doing.. and Licky is allowing it. (hon, I'm not putting you down. You know that.. right? I'm just stating a fact here)

We talked for hours about this very subject. There is no easy answer. Just that those girls need to learn.. Mom has a life too.

Licky.. alot of this stems from the passing of Grandma.. and the lack of Dad being around.

I don't know your kids Licky, but I have to agree on this point too. You oldest watched you taking care of your mom. She learned that it's the daughter's job to take care of the mother. I'm guessing she feels replaced by J. You need to let her know that your love for her is seperate and complete, not hinging on what she can give you, or what you feel for J. Please take them to counseling. Alone and with you. There's been a massive amount of emotional upheaval in their lives recently, and like it or not, a new relationship just adds more.

If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.