Single Parenting by choice...Pro vs Con
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Starblayde
5pointboy
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if most/all of the child's financial needs are met by the ex, then there's not much i can see 'wrong' with it.
I think this way it would be better than an acrimonious split in the future which could/would affect the child's wellbeing.
I think this way it would be better than an acrimonious split in the future which could/would affect the child's wellbeing.
Fly_On_Wall
Looking for the way
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Nothing wrong with haveing only one parent so long as the child has a role modle of both sexes. No that's not a sexist remark.
I think man or women as a single parent there is no problem but that daughter or son will need both a male and female influance in their life, be it a grand parent an aunt or uncle cousins. somthing.
I see no problem with what your freind is doing, she wanted a child and is getting on in her years she wanted to act now before it's too late.
so long as there is a man around to help the child when it needs a man she should do okay.
I think man or women as a single parent there is no problem but that daughter or son will need both a male and female influance in their life, be it a grand parent an aunt or uncle cousins. somthing.
I see no problem with what your freind is doing, she wanted a child and is getting on in her years she wanted to act now before it's too late.
so long as there is a man around to help the child when it needs a man she should do okay.
Texan
'nuf said
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This is my own personal opinion, nothing more, but certainly nothing less.
Single parenting is never as good as a stable loving two parent family. Notice I did not say just any old two parent family, but a stable and loving family.
If is very difficult for two parents to provide all the love and support for children. It has to be at least twice as difficult for one person to fill the roles of both parents. One loving parent is better than two terrible parents, but never as good as two good parents.
If you were talking about a death or divorce as the reason for a child having only one parent, I would be supportive of that parent. But if you are talking about a person intentionally choosing to become a single parent, I say they are being very selfish.
There are plenty of kids who need the love and affection of an adult. I have a close friend who has been married for many years, without children. He and his wife are wonderful influences in the lives of my kids and countless others. You don't have to have your own children to enjoy kids, or to be a positive influence in the life of a child.
One other thing. In the example you gave, that woman seems unable to take care of the child herself from the start. She is already depending on someone else for support for the child. I hope I'm wrong, but I foresee tough times ahead for that child.
Single parenting is never as good as a stable loving two parent family. Notice I did not say just any old two parent family, but a stable and loving family.
If is very difficult for two parents to provide all the love and support for children. It has to be at least twice as difficult for one person to fill the roles of both parents. One loving parent is better than two terrible parents, but never as good as two good parents.
If you were talking about a death or divorce as the reason for a child having only one parent, I would be supportive of that parent. But if you are talking about a person intentionally choosing to become a single parent, I say they are being very selfish.
There are plenty of kids who need the love and affection of an adult. I have a close friend who has been married for many years, without children. He and his wife are wonderful influences in the lives of my kids and countless others. You don't have to have your own children to enjoy kids, or to be a positive influence in the life of a child.
One other thing. In the example you gave, that woman seems unable to take care of the child herself from the start. She is already depending on someone else for support for the child. I hope I'm wrong, but I foresee tough times ahead for that child.
Lady_Sam
Troublemaking Wench
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As a single parent, I hope your friend is ready for the responsibilities. Yes I understand she is nearing 40 and I can understand her desire for one. I'm not sure on the mixed messages they're sending though, the father willing to support the child but doesn't want it admitted to right away. Why?
Make sure that child has a male rolemodel. My son's father up and left his life last summer, since that time my son has become very close to my stepfather. But I can also see he yearns for a more active role from a male. Anytime my friends who have kids come over or cousins bring their kids, my son desperately wants the attention of the male.
But the most important thing, whether this is by choice, by accident or by circumstance, is for the child to know and feel that they are wanted and loved, no matter the circumstances around their conception.
Just a weary single mother (by circumstance) two cents.
Make sure that child has a male rolemodel. My son's father up and left his life last summer, since that time my son has become very close to my stepfather. But I can also see he yearns for a more active role from a male. Anytime my friends who have kids come over or cousins bring their kids, my son desperately wants the attention of the male.
But the most important thing, whether this is by choice, by accident or by circumstance, is for the child to know and feel that they are wanted and loved, no matter the circumstances around their conception.
Just a weary single mother (by circumstance) two cents.
morninggirl5
Secret Dream Machine
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I've witnessed both situations, a mother who chose to have her child alone and a mother who became a single-mother after a divorce. From the age of 8, my mother was a single parent.
Don't let anyone kid you, a male role model is NOT a father. I witnessed first hand the confusion my friends son felt when fathers were mentioned. His mother never told him the circumstances of his birth. He had a male role model, his uncle lived in the family home until he was 3 and remained close after he married.
My nephew has grown up without his father. My sister's ex has never even seen his son and probably never will. My nephew has had a male role model in his life from the day he was born. They live with my grandparents. Does that make up for the lack of a father in his life? NO. Hearing him ask my grandfather to be his "for real Dad" broke my heart.
Choosing to deny a child his father is a selfishness i cannot fathom. The situation you describe makes me furious at the adults who aren't thinking of anyone but themselves and breaks my heart for the child.
Parents should consider the needs of their children before their own, even before those children are born or even conceived. If that means we don't have the child we desperately ache for because it would be unfair, then we have to be adult enough to accept that. Children are a gift, not an accesory.
Don't let anyone kid you, a male role model is NOT a father. I witnessed first hand the confusion my friends son felt when fathers were mentioned. His mother never told him the circumstances of his birth. He had a male role model, his uncle lived in the family home until he was 3 and remained close after he married.
My nephew has grown up without his father. My sister's ex has never even seen his son and probably never will. My nephew has had a male role model in his life from the day he was born. They live with my grandparents. Does that make up for the lack of a father in his life? NO. Hearing him ask my grandfather to be his "for real Dad" broke my heart.
Choosing to deny a child his father is a selfishness i cannot fathom. The situation you describe makes me furious at the adults who aren't thinking of anyone but themselves and breaks my heart for the child.
Parents should consider the needs of their children before their own, even before those children are born or even conceived. If that means we don't have the child we desperately ache for because it would be unfair, then we have to be adult enough to accept that. Children are a gift, not an accesory.
RavenStorm
Really Really Experienced
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I am a single parent. When I had my first child I was married. By the time I had my second my husband and I had been divorced for a month. He has visitation rights to our children although they do not want to go see him the majority of the time. I would love to have a 2 parent household, but prefer to be a single parent. The children understand why their dad is not living with them anymore. My daughter was 2 when we split up so both children are used to the situation. As long as the children get the love and attention they need I see no problem with being a single parent.
morninggirl5
Secret Dream Machine
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Thanks, Texan. I have to keep it very clear and forceful in my own mind. The need for a child of my own never really goes away and i have to keep the realities of choosing to be a single parent completely clear and focused. Otherwise, i know i would really be tempted to use those same rationalizations.
RhumbRunner13
No alts, no "Iggy"
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Choice.
I had to go away and think about the answer, for me, to this topic.
The situation as you present it seems fairly reasonable. The "father" volunteered to be a biological father and apparently is willing and able to provide some, most or all support for the child. Very clean and legal. Not too much love involved here, but very clean and legal!!
The mother is approaching the end of her ability to "produce progeny", so decides that her desires outway the obvious needs, over the next two decades, of a child! Well calculated, but not a "selfless" act.
So, a child will be brought to this world with a father and a mother who............well, never mind.
There are some questions and situations that are not black and white issues, and only the future can determine what is right or wrong! My concern would lie with the track record of all such situations.
Maybe all children should have two stable, balanced, loving, selfless parents dedicated to the idea that their children are the most important aspect of their being.
But, that's black or white!
RhumbRunner
I had to go away and think about the answer, for me, to this topic.
The situation as you present it seems fairly reasonable. The "father" volunteered to be a biological father and apparently is willing and able to provide some, most or all support for the child. Very clean and legal. Not too much love involved here, but very clean and legal!!
The mother is approaching the end of her ability to "produce progeny", so decides that her desires outway the obvious needs, over the next two decades, of a child! Well calculated, but not a "selfless" act.
So, a child will be brought to this world with a father and a mother who............well, never mind.
There are some questions and situations that are not black and white issues, and only the future can determine what is right or wrong! My concern would lie with the track record of all such situations.
Maybe all children should have two stable, balanced, loving, selfless parents dedicated to the idea that their children are the most important aspect of their being.
But, that's black or white!
RhumbRunner
Laurel
Kitty Mama
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I think there are single parents who do a very good job. However, as a kid raised in a single-parent household, I have to say that I would've really appreciated having another parent there. My dad worked 8-12 hours a day, 6 days a week, leaving us with sitters or at the Boys & Girls club. When we were old enough, we would sit at home alone watching TV till he came home. He'd be exhausted and in a bad mood. We'd be tiptoeing around him, alternately angry with him for being grumpy and guilt-ridden that he had to work so hard for us.
Having another parent - or parents, or whoever, another adult - gives the parent a buffer, so they can hide away from the kids when they're in a bad mood and not inflict it on their children. Single kids who are exposed to their parent's moods learn too much about grown-up problems earlier than is fair to them. Plus, I don't think it hurts for a kid to be exposed from an early age to more than one grown-up perspective - be from a mother/father, or mother/mother, or father/father, or mother/grandmother, etc.
Props to all the single parents out their doing what they can to raise their kids right. However, I don't think it's the optimum situation - for the parents or the kids.
Having another parent - or parents, or whoever, another adult - gives the parent a buffer, so they can hide away from the kids when they're in a bad mood and not inflict it on their children. Single kids who are exposed to their parent's moods learn too much about grown-up problems earlier than is fair to them. Plus, I don't think it hurts for a kid to be exposed from an early age to more than one grown-up perspective - be from a mother/father, or mother/mother, or father/father, or mother/grandmother, etc.
Props to all the single parents out their doing what they can to raise their kids right. However, I don't think it's the optimum situation - for the parents or the kids.
BlondGirl
Aim for the Bullseye ; )
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It is my intention to have another child. Not yet, I am still preparing, and am well aware that the possibilities of future events can change this or alter my palns in ways I cannot now imagine.
I do not see the difference between a couple where one decides to or begs the other to have a child and a single person preparing and going for it. A quality environment is really not as insurmountable for a single person as many would have you to believe. I would bet that a parent who makes many efforts to prepare for a child and then have one alone is more likely to be capable and willing to provide the best environment than your average-headed-for-divorce-in-less-than-5-years young couple.
There are no guarentees in life. None. Nada. Zilch. I know that having my son was one of the best things I have ever done. I know that having my daughter was the other of the best things I have ever done. Mistakes were made in both situations and mistakes continue to be made on my part with my son (the nature of parenting as well as all relationships!).
Here is the link to a thread from the past concerning this topic. When reading responses here and there, keep in mind that most of the respondants have most likely never given any real thought to this issue and are simply saying the first thing that comes to mind. (Not unlike people who would agree that if most inhalation deaths occur from the inhalation of one particular substance that it should be banned or severely regulated. Of course, that substance would be water--but the average human wouldn't bother to really think about the topic before voicing an opinion.)Single parenting? Intentionally?
I do not see the difference between a couple where one decides to or begs the other to have a child and a single person preparing and going for it. A quality environment is really not as insurmountable for a single person as many would have you to believe. I would bet that a parent who makes many efforts to prepare for a child and then have one alone is more likely to be capable and willing to provide the best environment than your average-headed-for-divorce-in-less-than-5-years young couple.
There are no guarentees in life. None. Nada. Zilch. I know that having my son was one of the best things I have ever done. I know that having my daughter was the other of the best things I have ever done. Mistakes were made in both situations and mistakes continue to be made on my part with my son (the nature of parenting as well as all relationships!).
Here is the link to a thread from the past concerning this topic. When reading responses here and there, keep in mind that most of the respondants have most likely never given any real thought to this issue and are simply saying the first thing that comes to mind. (Not unlike people who would agree that if most inhalation deaths occur from the inhalation of one particular substance that it should be banned or severely regulated. Of course, that substance would be water--but the average human wouldn't bother to really think about the topic before voicing an opinion.)Single parenting? Intentionally?
Juspar Emvan
Literotica Guru
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I've seen alsorts. In essence I agree with Texans comments. But I've seen similar situations turn out totally different depending on the people involved. Who can really say how it will work, people aren't mathematical equations.
It's not black and white, there are no rights or wrongs, I just wish her well.
It's not black and white, there are no rights or wrongs, I just wish her well.
plasticman33
Tight Jeans
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- Jun 22, 2001
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Being a sperm donor does not make you a father. I have step daughters that hate their biological parent, and have honored me with the title of dad. I've been there for them for the last sixteen years. He disappeared from their lives and never even paid a dime in child support. Before he left he had been an abuser and they have never forgotten nor forgiven that!
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