Single motherhood...

[MissTaken]

So, how do you do it? How do you juggle the job, the kids and dealing with the ex?

And what if, I mean to say, when do you find a social life?

What do you do to unwind, to take care of your psyche? Then, how do you find time to do it?




BTW, I had an "I hate my life" day. Please, inspire me.

 

[Silverlily]

You do it one day at a time.

My youngest was born three months after I divorced my first husband. My oldest child was 22 months old at the time. I was active duty, stationed thousands of miles from any family. My supervisors cut me no slack and my ex sent nothing.

I made friends with other moms and traded afternoons of babysitting. I swallowed my pride and made use of the programs offered to me. I refused to allow myself more than five minutes of self-pity each day and I did not let myself dwell on the problems I couldn't change. As my girls grew, they were expected to help with household tasks and what self-maintainance they could (my oldest could make breakfast when she was three).

It wasn't easy, I got very close to deep depression and suicidal thoughts. My girls kept me off that ledge. Humility was the hardest lesson of my life.

When I left the military, I busted my ass to get promotions, skipped out on a social life for a long time. Just before I met my current husband, I had resigned myself to living alone. Fortunately, he was persistant.

I'm not as easy going as I once was, but in exchange I have drive and focus - give them the best life I can. I also have two very capable little girls.

Hang in there, you got this far, you can make it all the way.

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, Kitten Eyes!

I actually didn't mean to sound too whiney. Your words did not fall on deaf ears, though. A solid reminder helps from time to time. Oh! You mean there really is life after divorce?

In fact, for me, i was a single mom long before I left my husb. Some days are diamonds and some days are crap.

Now, the oldest little monster is nearly asleep and the youngest little monster is in the refrigerator. Not a big surprise LOL

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

MissTaken I can't answer your questions but i've seen many do it.

and all I have to say is I respect thouse single mothers and single fathers, who put their lifes on hold just for their kids.

 

[MissTaken]

Awwww Hugs Fly!

Thanks! And ya know what?

I do too. Respect single parents as well as married parents who sacrifice for their children.

*MUAH*

 

[Silverlily]

I actually didn't mean to sound too whiney.

You didn't. I, on the other hand, often come across as harsh. (My last preformance review had "develop nurturing skills" as an area of "opportunity".


Let me impart this one mothering tip - don't store the kiddies in the fridge, they tend to get smelly.

 

[MissTaken]

ROFL

Damn! Spoil my fun!

It is so quiet when they are in there!

Shoot! There goes my down time!

 

[Gilly Bean]

Well, when my oldest was born, I had just (by a day) turned 18.

I lived with my grandparents, because I was kicked out of my house when I was pregnant. Not for being pregnant, but because my step-mother was an alcoholic drug addict who was very verbally abusive, and we no longer got along.

Anyway, while pregnant, I went to school full time, worked two jobs on nights and weekends, and kept up with my dance classes until I was around 7 months along. Not fun, but the dance kept me in shape, and took away alot of stress.

I broke up with the sperm donor when I was only around 3 months along. He was a dead beat, no job, no home, no school, etc. I kept him kicked to the curb. He refused to help out in anyway unless he had full visitations when ever the fuck he pleased. I told him to go to hell. The sad thing was, the only reason he wanted the visits was to be around me. He never asked about Rae, never paid attention to her on the two occasions he saw her. So, it wasn't like he missed out on anything. His name never went on the birth certificate, so I don't have to worry about him coming back around.

After she was born, I was out of school for a while. I decided when I was pregnant to take the last semester off, since the baby was due in the middle of it, and then it was summer. So, I went back to school in the fall. My one job was only while I was pregnant, and the other fell through after the baby was born. My grandparents, and family helped out with baby costs, and I had some money saved up from the two jobs. They let me take the summer off from work so I could be around Rae.

In the fall, I went back to school to finish. There was a day care there, so I didn't need to worry about Rae during the day, and I could see her anytime I wanted, and if she needed me, they could come get me.

Right after Christmas, I got a job as a secretary, and a job as a 3rd shift waitress. I didn't handle both real well, and cut back to just the aitressing one, since I got more money that way. Since Rae slept while I was gone, she didn't need an actual sitter, cause we were still at my grandparents. I would get home around 7am, and sleep for about 4 hours, get up with her, then when she took a nap, so did I. We did that all the way through most the summer.

I got to be around her for almost all of her growing up, mostly because of working around her schedual. I had a steady boyfriend for a while after she was born, but that fizzled out when I told him I refused to date a guy who smoked or did drugs. The smoking wasn't even that big of a deal. He lied to me, and told me he was done with drugs, and he wasn't. Not by a long shot. Oh, and that whole VD he ended up with nearly a year after being with just me. I didn't have it. It was one that trhe nurse said showed up in guys within 3 months. His story? Musta beena toilet seat. -rolls eyes-

It wasn't to long after that when I met Hubby. I moved up here almost right away. Rae was around 16 months old then. He worked and went to school, and I had a job for a bit, but not a real long time. Since then, we have one more lil one, and one that is about 4 weeks from popping out. He adopted Rae, and we have never heard from Sperm donor. To me, single parent-hood wasn't hard, but I was also in a very close family, with tons of support. I had almost all the help I ever could have wanted right there.

 

[MissTaken]

Wow, Gilly!

Hat's off to ya!


Be well, and enjoy the new little one.



My mother was also single with four of us. She worked two, sometimes three jobs and still managed to raise us well.

I remember lots of times when things were difficult. I also remember sticking together and accepting what we couldn't repair in our lives. We are emotionally a close knit family, but are strewn across the country.

LOL In fact, she and my brother stopped by today and cleaned my house while I did the shopping. *hugs to mom and bro.*

The economy here couldn't support all four of us!

 

[Debbie]

Being a single parent is hard especially if you don't have close family around you. I was a single mum for about three years (could count when I was married too because he never even changed a nappy or anything else for that matter. He was a strange man. He only held his kids about twice when they were babies, always making some excuse or another when I tried to get him to hold them.)
I coped by starting a support group/ playgroup for single parents.We exchanged recipes, laughter, clothes, budgeting tips, went on outings together and helped each other as much as we could. Using the skills we had we did different things. One parent (male) was able to supply cheap firewood in exchange for babysitting, hand knitted wollen jerseys, slippers etc. Another parent showed us how to make Christmas presents using what we had in our own home, dried flower arrangements, growing small flowering plants, kids toys etc.
We also had each others phone numbers and could call if we need a laugh or just a shoulder.
Doing things with the kids kept me going. Interacting with school and going along to as many school functions as possible.
Relax when you can. Tell yourself you are doing the best you can.

As for the ex? Grrrrrr. That can be so frustrating, depending what they are doing. Take a deep breath and imagine him in the most embarrassing situation then laugh out loud and let the tension go. Do this loudly and often everytime you see him and he may think you are nuts and leave you alone!

 

[MissTaken]

Ahhh yes....

the ex. His life hasn't changed much since I left except for the fact that he MUST contribute financially to the family.


Oh well. I know too many people with wonderful second marraiges to give up now!

 

[Debbie]

Don't give up!
Im on my second marriage and he is lovely!
And sexy, and funny and kind. Best of all, he lets me be me. No controlling or violence.

 

[MissTaken]

Don't give up!
Im on my second marriage and he is lovely!
And sexy, and funny and kind. Best of all, he lets me be me. No controlling or violence.

It sounds like a dream come true!

I am glad that you are free to be you. YOU are pretty special.


~hugs~

 

[u2slow13]

Ladies, I commend you for what you have had to go through as each and every one of you seem and need to be strong to accomplish this. But there is also the man that has had to accomplish the same role as you and I don't think they would change a thing in their lives. Hey sometimes commitment does suck but I wouldn't change a thing as far as my boys are concerned. Would much rather do this alone than the way it was

 

[MissTaken]

Yes. It is wonderful that you have chosen to raise your children.

And I agree wholeheartedly, I would rather do it alone than the way it was.

I have a lot of admiration for dads who take on the task.

You made some wonderful points. Thank you.

 

[Debbie]

Ladies, I commend you for what you have had to go through as each and every one of you seem and need to be strong to accomplish this. But there is also the man that has had to accomplish the same role as you and I don't think they would change a thing in their lives. Hey sometimes commitment does suck but I wouldn't change a thing as far as my boys are concerned. Would much rather do this alone than the way it was

I agree with you u2slow13. That is why I said single parenting. I wouldn't have changed a thing either when I was parenting alone. Away from the way things were.


To all you single parents *hug* and of course to parents of kids everywhere. You are all great people doing a damn hard job!

 

[u2slow13]

thank you, hey we all need a hug sometimes, hugs to you all

 

[Debbie]

"Real parents don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real parents know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real parents sometimes have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real parents know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real parents don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real parents sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."

Parents know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Ma-ma/Da-da to MommyDaddy to Mom?Dad."


for Miss Taken

The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked.
I want it that way.
It is not broken, I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been years and I want some privacy.

Do not ask me how long I will be, I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the bathroom!"
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. That was only funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two, that got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door,please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

Oh ... and yes, I still love you.

Mom


Sigh, this happens in my household all the time!

 

[Guest]

LMAO, there ya go MissT.....time to back out of the ladies thread, tipping my hat as I go

 

[u2slow13]

geez that was me but still leaving as I tug my skirt down

 

[PowerOfOne]

Surviving single motherhood

I am the Mom of a six month old daughter. I work full time and do everything else everyone else does. BUT my daughter comes first. I have a fabulous employer that allows me to work from home when my daughter is sick. I take her everywhere I go.

Every once in a blue moon, I do leave her with a trusted sitter to go out on a date, but not often. If the man cannot accept my daughter then he cannot accept me.

As far as handling the ex....he chose not to be part of our lives and that suits me fine. Many times I let the housekeeping go just to have time to play with my daughter. My house will be there a long time, my daughter will only be small a short while. I set priorities and go from there. So far, so good!

 

[BlondGirl]

and all I have to say is I respect thouse single mothers and single fathers, who put their lifes on hold just for their kids.

Anyone who puts his or her life on hold and uses his/her children as the excuse is a bitter, whiney asshole.

There is no such thing as putting your life on hold. If you are breathing and eating and moving, then you are living. How and what you do with that life is your choice.

I, personally, choose to live WITH my child. I do not simply exist in the same house or at the same time. I have made sacrifices and I have adjusted my dreams to include my child. (Of course, I would have likely adjusted my dreams anyway.) But I never use my child as an excuse for myself. I take joy in my responsibilities and the fact that I have the ability to be a parent to this child.

Be sure to note that children make all kinds of adjustments in their lives to cope with their crazy parents too. It is tough to be shuffled back and forth and to be the one inbetween hostilities and to be a pawn at times. My kid does not bitch about giving things up for me though--he accepts that as part of his duties as a family member--everyone contributes.

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[Guest]

Debbie: Thank you for the funnies! I love kid jokes and stories. Have you read Chicken Soup for the Parent's Soul? Great Book!

PowerofOne and Desert Amazon: Thanks for your stories. I am fairly new to this and we are still adjusting. So there are days and then, there are days . I suppose it would be the same single, married or otherwise. Fortunately, we have far more good days than difficult. It is helpful to see others who are managing successfully.

Blondgirl: I liked your post because it reinforced all the others. Also, that children are not an excuse to live in a cave. Lives move forward, with changes. I think Fly simply meant "sacrifice" when he said "hold" which is how I took it. As for me, my children have not yet learned that they have responsibilities as far as being a member of the family. LOL Well, that was one of the lessons they learned today!

It took three hours and assistance from my brother, but those damn toys were put where they belonged!

BTW, the toys weren't the only r/l issue that crapped out my day. I am not that much of a wimp! lol

 

[MissTaken]

Damn Cookies!