Single by choice, single mom by choice

[Patryn]

I was reading an article in Time magazine yesterday about women who choose not to marry. There was also a related article about women who choose to have a child when single. This got me to thinking....

I'll never be one to say what anyone should do with their bodies or their lives, so I don't think choosing to be a single mom is wrong at all, but neither do I think it's entirely right for most people. They called it an empowering decision (you all know how much I hate that term)...I think it's asking for trouble. It's one thing to, by circumstance, end up being a single mom...it's another thing to choose it.

For one thing, you're asking for stress. Lots of stress. There's also a better chance the child will be raised by sitters and day care a great percentage of the time. It will, obviously, be harder financially for most people.

I'm sure it works for some people, and I do realize it's everyone's decision to make, but what about when the child starts asking about "why the other kids have daddies"? Also, why do many more women choose to adopt without a partner or spouse than men do?

 

[Svedish_Chef]

I cannot understand being a single mother by choice... but maybe you cant go out and hook the guy you are after while bub is hanging off a teat. Where does the point come where a father figure missing is so detrimental that a bad one could be better than none at all? Just a thought...

Da chef

 

[CreamyLady]

I am a single mom. I will admit it happened by divorce, but the divorce was my choice. My daughter's father chose not to be an adult or a father, and I couldn't carry two children, only one of whom was developing on schedule.

She's 23 now, and looking back, I would do it again, only I wouldn't get married at all. Yes, it is hard, and yes, one is "on" 24 hours a day.

We have a good relationship. I did not force her to be my adult companion, and managed to recover a great deal of my childhood while being her mother.

I tend to discount day care and sitting as "single mom" issues since so many married women are working and have the same dilemma. The fact is that parenthood is seen in contradictory ways. I think most employers think of it as an unfortunate byproduct of sex; others see children as the future and parents as the caretakers of that future; corporate and government interests see them as future consumers and citizens.

Everyone has input on how parents are to rear the child, all of it contradictory, and it will make a person crazy if they really listen to it.

If women think it through, and really choose, I see no problem at all with single motherhood. If a man chooses to be a single parent, I see no problem there, either. But one has to be flexible, have stamina, and good laundry equipment. Those bouts of stomach flu in the middle of the night can really do a number on the linens . . .

 

[teresafannin]

I also became a single mother when the father of my son decided he didn't want any part of us. Before the flames start, I was on the pill, never missed one & still got pregnant. I never regretted my decision to raise my son by myself, he was a wonderful kid. I never received any child support, I never received any kind of welfare, I went back to work when he was 6 days old & sent the hospital 100.00 a month until the bill was paid. My son was my life & I don't regret any of the sacrifices I made. I was very much a part of all of his activities & the closeness we had was something I will always cherish. I remarried when he was 5 & his stepdad was great. The marriage didn't last, but he always did the best he could for my son, as did my dad & my brother. I never felt my son suffered by my being a single mom. As he grew older, he asked questions about his birth father, but never wanted to contact him. So many of his friends came to our house to get away from the fighting between their parents. My son was killed in a mass shooting last year & I miss him so badly. Every situation is different. To show that I was correct in not forcing his birth father to be a part of our lives, the son of a bitch has never called to say he is sorry for my loss. My son was the best part of me & I was one the best moms I know. Even as a working mom, I spent more time with him than many of the stay-at-home moms I know.

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

Single Parents & Life Attitude

Things change. Societal acceptance "of things" changes. (Not fast enough for me but…) Societal rules change. The actual ultimate truth (if there is an ultimate truth regarding anything) is that "whatever works for your time" is best now - for that time, your time. Right here, right now.

You should feel comfortable with all your decisions - big and small. To marry, not to marry, to accept a failed marriage, to have a child, to abort a child, to have sex, to not have sex. It's all about you, your life, what's best for you and confidence in yourself.

This is not being selfish. This is not being a mistake'less egotist.

This is about self-confidence and a positively driven mental health. If you are happy with who you are, if you are positive about who you are, if your are satisfied with your decisions as relative to the time you made them - then the fruit of that life attitude is what serves your loved ones (whoever they may be) best.

And that's not selfish at all.

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

I am single by choice because I don't want to settle for second best. And I haven't found the right one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. That doesn't mean my front door is revolving either. I am a single mom by choice too because her father was abusive and immature and I didn't think it was right for her to be brought up in that enviroment. I left him when I was 1 month pregnant.
I have never regreted my choice nor ever thought could things be different if I wasn't a single mom.

 

[lethal_heartbreaker]

ok my question to you is
You think there would be less stress if a man was in your life. Come on now!
I say too any of you single mothers or women who want to do it alone. all the power to you.

 

[CreamyLady]

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying, lethal_heartbreaker. Are you saying that we all think there'd be less stess with a man in our lives?

I can't speak for the others, but as far as I'm concerned, the answer is a resounding no. I find men are an excellent source of stress, particularly if one doesn't want any more stress in her life.

 

[Laurel]

I was raised by a single parent (my dad) and I turned out all right...lol... However, I really believe that a child having two parents - whatever their sexes may be - is the optimum. With my dad always working, I grew up in daycares and as a latchkey kid. As the oldest, I shouldered part of the parenting of my younger siblings, which kept me from going out and playing as much as the other kids my age. Though it made more responsible, I'd gladly have traded the maturity for a little fun.

Also, having two parents means that you're not subjected to the incomprehensible (to children) adult mood swings. When my dad was married (for two years) and he'd come home in a bad mood, my step-mom would act as a buffer. She'd take care of dinner, getting us bathed and putting us in bed. After the divorce, he'd come home in a bad mood and have no shelter. He'd HAVE to feed us, parent us, put us to bed (especially my sister, but that's another story)...there were no other options. It was hard on him, and hard on us.

There's also the financial factor. We barely squeaked by - we're talking spaghetti with hot dogs, fish sticks, and four pairs of pants & five shirts to wear to school for the whole year. A second working adult would really made a difference.

Single parents are bound to happen, and I think it's better to divorce than to raise your kid in a marriage without love. However, I think opting to raise children solo on purpose is not a good idea unless you're financially secure enough to give the kids the time and standard of living that they deserve. I'm not talking about designer clothes and fancy cars - I'm saying that it's hard on a kid to live paycheck to paycheck, to be afraid to ask your dad for lunch money. I didn't even get a CAT till I knew I could be home most of the day. But that's just my $0.02. Flame away!

 

[Sammyjo]

Laurel, I had the exact life you had...but with TWO parents.

It is becoming increasingly difficult for dual-income families to get on reasonably. We had no money, ate mac and cheese and hot dogs for dinner every night...guess who had to do EVERYTHING??? Watch kids, cook, clean...surprisingly I made it through high school.

I'm not going to debate this issue because there are pros and cons to both sides.

What I will say is this: I am a single mother. I was on welfare. I "used" the system to help me get through school (medical care, lawyers to get child support out of that scum sucking prick who decided to deny his daughter anything and everything to spite me, etc). I took out every dime in student loans that were offered to me so that I could give my daughter things she normally would not have had. I did not sit on my ass watching TV all day. I studied my ass off to get my two college degrees. I am thankful that I could spend her first 4 years as a stay at home mother. I didn't miss a thing. I started her in daycare to get her acclimated to other children and the "structure" of a schooling system.

Where we are at now: I am working full-time as an accountant. I am going for my CPA exam relatively soon. She is starting 1st grade in a week. I volunteer with the PTA, the Girl Scouts, classroom parties, etc. I never would have had the self-confidence to do all these new things if I hadn't done the previous things.

Why? Before I had my daughter, I was in serious trouble. I may have ended up dead from alcohol, drugs, or suicide. I was on a downward spiral. As soon as I knew I was pregnant, amazingly all this stopped. No more smoking, no more alcohol, hell, I even drank milk (I can't stand the stuff), took my vitamins, and went to appointments. Knowing that I would have to provide for this child, I enrolled for classes in the local community college. When she was 9 months old, I started classes. I carried a 4.0 GPA for two years. I made the Dean's List. I was enrolled in Phi Theta Kappa. I realized I could do this. I was smart. I was also taking care of my daughter by myself. I developed this sense of self-esteem that I never had before. I was always negative. Suddenly, I had a positive outlook. I continued on to get my accounting degree, then my computer degree. I got a job at a company that I never thought I would have a chance at. I am making lots of money.

It is because of her that I am the person I am. One of the few blessings (or miracles) that I have been given. She saved my life. She may never know how bad things were for me, or that if not for her I would not be here. But I do know. And because I know that, I will continue to do anything in my power to be the best parent I can be.

Life is good. I think single parenting is what you make of it. Not all of us are crabby, depressed, wound tight, whatever...all families have stresses, whether dual or single, we all have problems, and we all deal with them differently. It is how we deal with things as a family that will make our family succeed or fail.

Ok...that's my story...and my opinions.

 

[teresafannin]

Hi Sammyjo, I also changed my life for my son, quit smoking & drugging, etc. I admire you tremendously. Too many women sit home, collect welfare & never make a life for themselves or their children. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who is willing to fight for her & to show her what a strong woman can accomplish.You are an excellent role model for any young girl. I hope things go well for you, I have thought of you often in the last few weeks. Take care.

 

[Sammyjo]

Thanks...I think that's one of the nicest things anyone has said about me.

Yes, it was fabulous (well...that's not the exact word I'm searching for...) when this guy told me I was incredibly sexy...but when someone tells me I'm a good mother and a good role model...that is waaaaaaaaay more meaningful.

You've been thinking about me? Good thoughts I hope

You made my day!!! Thank you.

 

[Whispersecret]

Get ready for the sermon.

I guess I live in a fairly affluent area, because the dual income families I see around me don't have it hard at all. Most of them sport brand-new Urban Assault Vehicles, have palm pilots, cell phones, you name it. That's what burns me. The kids are growing up in afterschool daycare (which NO kid likes. Believe me, I was a teacher and saw them there until six at night.) BOTH parents are exhausted from working all day. The kids' homework is done under the "supervision" of the daycare people, which is usually just a teenager sitting there making sure it gets done. God forbid someone needs real help with it.

What bothers me is that people seem to be caught up in their own high standard of living and are unwilling to sacrifice a little in order to really and truly raise their kids. Kids need more than that harried hour before school, and the irritable three hours after their parents pick them up from daycare. They need someone who will show an active interest in their school life--and I'm not just talking about checking if their homework is finished. They need that emotional, almost tangible security of knowing that someone is home for them if they need them. That if they get sick at school, it won't be an hour or so before Mommy or Daddy can come get them because they're in an important meeting. It has to make a difference in a kid's soul when they know that one of their parents' sole job is to TAKE CARE OF THEM.

Now, there are plenty of families out there where both parents must work to make ends meet. That is fine. But more and more often people aren't questioning whether they really need that extra income. When they add up all the expenses--daycare, dry cleaning, lunch expenses, gas/wear and tear on the car, ordering in (because they're too tired to cook), the extra "guilt" stuff they buy the kids, etc.--sometimes they find that your life wouldn't be that pathetic if they scaled down.

Will it be worth it more in the end to have owned five new cars and every electronic gadget that comes down the pike, or to have invested valuable time with your children during years that can never be recovered?

 

[Whispersecret]

Okay, I realize that I never addressed the issue of single-parenting. Heh heh.

I agree with Laurel. Two parents is optimal. My parents divorced with I was thirteen. I believe that one of the reasons my marriage has been so difficult is that I didn't really have decent example to look at and learn from. While they were married, my dad was hardly ever home. After they divorced...well, obviously there was no example then. My husband's dad died when he was five, and his mother never remarried.

Being married takes work, and it doesn't come naturally. If a child is raised in a one parent family, he/she might find herself in the same predicament as I. Not scarred, per se, but handicapped in a way.

I don't understand those women who get to a certain age and decide they want a child, even if they're not married. They make a withdrawal from the sperm bank, and voila, instant kid. That, I think, is a selfish choice. I'm sure there are many people who disagree with me, but that's the way I look at it, right or wrong.

<puts on her flame-resistant teddy> Flame away.

 

[Sammyjo]

I don't think it is selfish per se. Ugh!! Here I go again. Obviously, my pregnancy was not planned. I didn't go to a sperm bank. (And yes, I do know WS was NOT attacking ME, for the record...again, this is my opinion)

Women have so many options these days. I think women are very capable of raising children alone. A lot of our "role models" were raised by single parents...usually the mother. I think these TV people who go on adopting children or having children, as publicity stunts are definitely selfish. I don't care if they have money, can do it, will do it, have been doing it...anyone that goes on national TV describing the absolute joy of "raising" 3 or 4 children alone...ugh!! they are raised by nannies and babysitters....who's watching them now while you are at your press conference? Who watches them during taping of your TV show or movie? Who watches them while you are at all your awards banquets? Who watches them while you are shopping? do you even do your own shopping? grrrrrrr....Blah, blah, blah...

I was an adult, and I made the decision to go on with the pregnancy alone. My best friend called me selfish. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't understand how making the decision and knowing the sacrifices I would have to make in the future was selfish, but I ignored him and carried on. My uncle, upon finding out I was pregnant, by now I think I was 6 months along, questioned my MOTHER, not me, about my feelings, and my decision. He initially tried to get me to go the adoption route. I would have none of it. I knew what I was in for.

If I could change one thing, it would be that I were married. Not just for her "proper upbringing" as most people refer to it...but so that I could be home. My ultimate reality is to send my darling husband off to work while I stay home baking cookies, possibly taking some consulting work, or doing books from home, and being home for the children. I do NOT like taking my daughter to the school at 6:30 a.m. so that I can be to work by 7:00, so I can be home by 4:30. I swore I wouldn't do it, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult do keep her OUT of the before school program. I absolutely adore the idea of possibly having another child and staying home to keep house and raise the kids.

The only problem with this plan is money. See, not everyone is willing to live like I am. I would prefer a small little (redundant as that is) house, home made cooking (love the beef stew), and very little of what people refer to these days as necessities. I could do without the damn TV, the nice cars, designer clothing, meals at restaurants, etc.

I am a simple girl. I don't need to be impressed by extravagant things. I don't need a lot of money to live on. Three and possibly four people could well live on my income. That being said, I know that my "dream" isn't too far fetched...I just need to find the man...LOL

 

[teresafannin]

I agree with Sammyjo. I would have loved to have been married. Many people questioned my decision, but I knew I could raise him. I was 23 & had been told I probably couldn't have children, so my son was the greatest gift I could imagine. I loved being a mom & was willing to make the sacrifices necessary. A lot of people out there DO neglect their children for their careeers, etc. I gave up many chances at promotion so I could be close to my son. We had a wonderful relationship, even when the teen-age trauma started, thank goodness he was a better teen than I was. I was a major brat. One good parent is better than 2 crappy ones & I was a good parent. I see parents now who don't appreciate their kids, who don't spend time with them, who give them things instead of love. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anyone, but where is the justice in my child being taken away from me? Every situation is different & everyone has to make the decision for themselves. I would do it all again in a heartbeat if somehow my son could come back to me. Thanks for letting me vent.
Whispersecret-I agree with you about the celebrities, etc. I think of them as collectors of children. In a perfect world, every child would have 2 parents that love them & care for them. Unfortunately it is not a perfect world & we have to do the best we can with the decisions we make.

Sammyjo-always good thoughts. I admire you tremendously. The hardest job in the world is to be a good parent.

 

[Cheyenne]

I am going for my CPA exam relatively soon.

But that means we really won't see you around here much for awhile if you're sitting in November, or even next May. You need to STUDY! But you're smart, you'll make it through I have no doubt. And the day you get the letter telling you that you DID pass will be a day you never ever forget for the rest of your life. My day was more than 20 years ago, and I remember every single detail like it was yesterday. Good luck to you!
Cheyenne, CPA


Oh yeah, the single mom question. I'm one of those single woman who could easily afford to raise a child on my own. (See above CPA discussion. ) I actually considered the sperm bank approach when I was in my early 30's and saw no prospect of being married with kids in the near future. That biological clock was ticking, you know? About the same time, my sister-in-law got pregnant and I decided to postpone a decision until after I had exposure to a niece or a nephew for awhile to see if a real live baby was something I thought I could handle on my own. No way. I saw how hard it was for two parents, and decided I would be nuts to purposely choose having a baby on my own. Passing along my genes to the next generation wasn't as important to me as I had thought it was. For me, it would have been a selfish choice and I decided against that sperm bank in the end, even if I could afford to. The ones who benefit the most from that decision now are my 5 nieces and nephews. They have an Auntie Cheyenne who loves them to death and would do anything for them. They know it, too, and attack me with hugs and kisses every time they see me. I spend time with them that their parents don't always have time to give, and I like to think that makes me special in their lives.

 

[Skitten]

I think most women who do choose to be single isn't always by choice. But more by circumstances in their lives. But I do agree there would be a lot more stress on the mom.

And I believe that a child needs both parents for the strong influence and the building of that child. It is very important to have a mom and dad in your kids lives. Whether or not you live in the same house.

If you choose to have a child on your own, You need to have a strong male influence to help that child develop. And understand no matter how good of a mom you are they need that male influence on them whether a girl or a boy it is very important for their development.