Silent Treatment? Do you belive in it ?

[SubKekiLee]

I have a question for everyone here.. Do you think that the silent treatment when your PYL/pyl < insert your term here> =0) Is the proper way to discipline them? As a sub perspective we are already hard enough on ourselves firstly that we do not need this but can someone give me some insight as to why some Dom's choose this route?

 

[the captians wench]

I know why some choose to use it on me, because I'm an attention whore and a pain slut. You can beat me, spit on me, piss on me and other wise totally abuse me, and it won't really faze me. But ignore me and I'm hurt beyond tears.

So I had one simi long term relationship where he would punish me by not contacting me for a day or two or week. At first I cried, and begged for his attention. But after a few times, I found other people who would pay attention to me and I lost interest in him. *shrug* He with held a lot of things like that, and with holding one is fine, two is pushing it, but when I'm not getting any of my needs met, so long buddy it's time for you to go.

So over all I don't think the scilent treatment is effective for me, but conor time with him in the room and me having to be in the room but ignored for a period, now that's punishment, and effective as long as he comunicates with me and we come to an understanding of why I was punished and what actions I need to take in the future, along with some reasurance that he still cares for me and wants me.

 

[Softouch911]

I have a question for everyone here.. Do you think that the silent treatment when your PYL/pyl < insert your term here> =0) Is the proper way to discipline them? As a sub perspective we are already hard enough on ourselves firstly that we do not need this but can someone give me some insight as to why some Dom's choose this route?

The actual idea of silence can work perhaps in a 24/7 as a substitute for thoughtless chatter.

But I think you mean "silence" as in the bitter, passive aggressive crap that passes for "I'm mad at you. Don't talk to me." Someone needs to grow up, imo.

Either that, or you mean the withdrawal of attention as described by Capt's Wench ... and as she so clearly points out the difficulty with withdrawal by the d type. The dominant promises to control in return for the promise of the submissive to accept. All that happens if the d type disappears is that the s type is left without anyone to control, feels abandoned, loses trust, and wanders out to find something better to occupy attention.

I know a lot of folk think it's a good punishment as the submissive truly regrets the disappointment that's been created and has no way to deal with atonement or forgiveness. The only withdrawal of attention that makes sense to me is release, but I'm willing to stand corrected if I'm wrong.

ST

 

[CutieMouse]

Silence as in "I'm really pissed off and need some space so we can talk about this later" is totally different from dropping off the planet/ignoring just to play games with your head.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I think the only time "silent treatment" should be used is when it is necessary as a timeout to cool down anger before actions. JMHO

 

[SubKekiLee]

Well I guess I need to expound more. I made my D mad at me this am by doing something thoughtless.. He did call me and tell me he was upset at me I guess the word would be displeased. with me, He said he would call me later after he cooled off that was like 8 hours ago.. Now he hasnt called or texted or emailed so I am just wondering what the effect of it is supposed to be ,I know I am hard enough on myself for letting him down. and he knows this.

 

[saw_man1]

You poor man

The actual idea of silence can work perhaps in a 24/7 as a substitute for thoughtless chatter.ST

With a teenager and a PITA in the house you don't get much silence, do you?

 

[littleone77]

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Hopefully he contacts you soon. He might be trying to prove a point to you, as in a punishment or perhaps somethings has come up. If you really become concerned you could always contact him first and ask what is going on. When he does contact you again, perhaps you should tell him how you felt on the silent treatment and go from there.

My take on your question...El_C and I had a discussion in the beginning of our relationship on what would be a punishment for us and the silent treatment was on the top of the No list. He knows what that does to me. The "idiot" did that to me...He would disappear for whatever reason for days on end. I was a mess, physically and emotionally, when that happened.

Perhaps it is just He and I, but in the past when we've had disagreements or if I displeased him, we work things out then. Of course we are in a LDR. Things have a tendency to fester and what is the last thing you say to your partner, maybe the last thing you said.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Well I guess I need to expound more. I made my D mad at me this am by doing something thoughtless.. He did call me and tell me he was upset at me I guess the word would be displeased. with me, He said he would call me later after he cooled off that was like 8 hours ago.. Now he hasnt called or texted or emailed so I am just wondering what the effect of it is supposed to be ,I know I am hard enough on myself for letting him down. and he knows this.

Some people take a while to cool off. Once 9and fortunately only once0 my DOm was very angry with me and emailed me and said he would contact me again in 3 days. Those three days were verydifficult for the both of us really but I would rather he take the time he needs then to yell and scream or whatever when he is too angry. After the three days we discussed the issue quickly, it was resolved and all was well.

 

[HottieMama]

i don't understand the use of the "silent treatment" as punishment. What exactly is it teaching? And..if a D/s relationship is mutually satisfying and rewarding isn't it also punishing the Dom as well? My previous "dom" attempted this with me, all it did was erode away at the trust we already built up in our relationship...which was fragile to begin with. It didn't teach me anything, but it did reinforce my already abundant abandonment issues. Not real good for when he did choose to have contact with me again.

To use the silent treatment as punishment seems to be an "easy" way of the Dom getting out of putting effort into the training and molding of his sub. Luckily LC agrees with me because i truly do not think i could tolerate that type of treatment from him and then live up to his other expectations. (Complete honesty, absolute trust...etc...)

 

[littleone77]

i don't understand the use of the "silent treatment" as punishment. What exactly is it teaching? And..if a D/s relationship is mutually satisfying and rewarding isn't it also punishing the Dom as well? My previous "dom" attempted this with me, all it did was erode away at the trust we already built up in our relationship...which was fragile to begin with. It didn't teach me anything, but it did reinforce my already abundant abandonment issues. Not real good for when he did choose to have contact with me again.

To use the silent treatment as punishment seems to be an "easy" way of the Dom getting out of putting effort into the training and molding of his sub. Luckily LC agrees with me because i truly do not think i could tolerate that type of treatment from him and then live up to his other expectations. (Complete honesty, absolute trust...etc...)

HM

Once again we were victims of the idiotic teachings, lol.

One caveman to another...*grunt* Ignore her for a few days *grunt, groan* She'd appreciate you then.

 

[Netzach]

The person who is the source of my angst is not always the person who's going to help me get through it. I think intepreting a genuine "cooling off" period as cruelty is a way of trying to control other people's reactions, and it usually drives me off further. That said, I don't really stew much.

Different people will handle conflict differently. Sometimes I just need to go be mad, I don't want to sit and process it, because it's just going to get worse.

 

[HottieMama]

HM

Once again we were victims of the idiotic teachings, lol.

One caveman to another...*grunt* Ignore her for a few days *grunt, groan* She'd appreciate you then.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v650/DuchsLove/geicocavemen.jpg


**grunt** And be sure to post pics of your hairy ass... **grunt..groan...picks off flies**

 

[littleone77]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v650/DuchsLove/geicocavemen.jpg


**grunt** And be sure to post pics of your hairy ass... **grunt..groan...picks off flies**

We are evil

*ug* Don't forget to treat her like shit when you do come around *grunt*

Btw, you all...These comments of ours has nothing to do with SubKekiLee at all. They are merely the experience's we have had with "cavemen"

 

[HottieMama]

We are evil

*ug* Don't forget to treat her like shit when you do come around *grunt*

Btw, you all...These comments of ours has nothing to do with SubKekiLee at all. They are merely the experience's we have had with "cavemen"

We are evil, sick, and twisted...but that's ok.


**ug...ug...ug...**

 

[Sprinkles22]

I don't think the silent treatment as 'punishment' is D/s at all ... I think it's cruel . Punishment and discipline are ultimately intended for positive correction; there is nothing positive about being emotionally abandoned by the silent treatment.

On a side note, I don't think the safe 'cooling off' period is the same as a silent treatment when tempers have gotten high. I think the backing away until emotions calm down is the best option.

 

[His_pita]

With a teenager and a PITA in the house you don't get much silence, do you?

Hey!! I resemble that remark!

 

[vffan]

It is used with me. Luckily it has only been used a few times and it was only used when i fucked up royally. It was explained what was being done and why and i accepted it. On only one occasion did i have a problem and we discussed it.

It was not easy on him, either. i know because we discussed that aspect of it too.

 

[sister76]

I don't think the silent treatment as 'punishment' is D/s at all ... I think it's cruel . Punishment and discipline are ultimately intended for positive correction; there is nothing positive about being emotionally abandoned by the silent treatment.

I don't think it is always cruel, as long as it isn't for an extended period of time. It all depends on the people involved. For some subs, especially for those who other types of punishment are not an option or even effective, the silent treatment is pretty effective. If it happened for a long period of time I would definitely be questioning our relationship, but a day or two wouldn't make me think I was abandoned.

I am guessing the no contact thing would only fall into emotional abandonment if the sub really couldn't deal with life on her own for a few days. And I don't think that is really related to D/s, but her own emotional health in general.

 

[myinnerslut]

for me, while the silent treatment gets the fact that hes upset accross rather quickly, it does far more harm then good. far far more harm then good.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I appriciate all your input alot of things have been learned here I wouldnt neccesarly call it "emotional abandonment" cause I think it was more of a "cooling off" is the way Ive taken it and Im sure we will talk tommorrow but if not I am purely capable of taking care of myself Ive done it for years.. I may not like it but I can do it.. I am a very capable human being.. but thanks to everyone who gave me thier insight it is very much appriciated..

 

[Bandit58]

My emotionally abusive ex husband used to do this - he would sometimes not speak to me for days. However all it did over many years was make me feel resentful and angry, made my self esteem hit rock bottom, and I ended up miserable and depressed.

Communication is one of the cornerstones of any relationship, let alone BDSM ones. Cutting that off undermines a sub's confidence and plants doubts and exacerbates any self esteem issues. Especially in online relationships, where the written and spoken word is all there is.

IMO it's an immature way of dealing with issues. people need to talk about problems not shut them away.

 

[intothewoods]

I think the silent treatment is childish. That said, 8 hours isn't THAT long, and he did say he needed to cool off. That's not so unreasonable. There's a difference between, I need to cool off, and I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU HMPH!

 

[BiBunny]

"I need to cool off" is a couple of days or so. I'm one of those people who takes awhile to cool off. (I'm a master grudge-holder.) If someone's calling me, texting me, emailing me, whatever, begging me to talk to them during my cooling-off period, it's just going to piss me off more and extend my cooling-off period even longer.

The silent treatment is of longer duration than a few days. B.'s a master of the silent treatment, but I think that comes from a lack of knowing how to deal with problems as they arise as opposed to a need to be malicious. I give him space when he gets in those moods; he eventually snaps out of it.

Eight hours ain't that long, and I don't think it's going to do irreparable damage to anybody's trust. Take the silent treatment for over a month, and then come talk to me. We're still working on the trust-rebuilding thing after that.

 

[saw_man1]

I'm not talking to any of you